Make ‘em over

December 18th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

Don’t ask me what has changed.

Admittedly, I was lost for a moment, an understatement perhaps, but at present, I seem to be heading somewhere as if in full control knowing that is exactly what I want.

It’s in the tiny details.

I breathe easier. I have some sort of routine. I speak a little more coherent, still eccentric but well, at least I try harder these days to overcome that crippling shyness and awkwardness.

Not that I should bore anyone with exact details of why, how and what is clicking in motion in my mind, and I assure you it is not all spur on by everything pretty that smells like cotton candy, but sometimes the self-inflicted mental torment of achieving the impossible could just be exactly the push-factor I need.

My room.. actually, no in fact, my house  has been in its most, how should I put it, I can’t say it is immaculate, because it is still a full marathon to go before it could be reckoned so, but hmm, it is perhaps in its most de-cluttered state, ever.

I invested in quite a bit of storage solutions, but more so in the emotions department, when the hoarder in me decided that I could let go. Of everything.

Well, almost.

I put myself through this lengthy, draining emotional process everyday recently, something I was reluctant to do so, but realise how these 3 months have gifted me some sort of courage I thought I didn’t have.

Well.. I sat through Minibean’s toys/clothes/shoes which accumulated over the past 5 years, and my stash of clothes, plenty of hands-me-down, with history dated back to decades ago.

Yes, I am a bloody hoarder.

I have refused to chuck any of Minibean’s baby stuff, and I would be telling myself, “Ooohhh look, that’s the top she wore when she first flipped over! Oh look that’s the pair of shorts she wore when she peed herself for the 647th time…” cos every, single item seems to carry a story of its own.

Everyday for the past 2 weeks since I returned from Europe, bags and bags of stuff would find its way to the rubbish chute, but somehow, much of the clutter still stay intact, until perhaps I could chill my heart to that of a cold-blooded murderer to find myself emotionally-detached from most of them.

Spring cleaning has came early and it serves as great bonding time with mum, though sometimes the friction between us makes me wonder if that is the only way she knows how to interact with me.

In a way, her sheer contempt for me has convinced me that this is the way she loves me, cos a part of me knows that she does, just that sometimes I am not sure if I have the capacity to take in all of such masochistic love.

Minibean has turned 5 on 2nd December, and this is no doubt a major milestone as she will start school as a 6 year-old barely one month into her 5th birthday in January.

Yes, my baby is no longer a baby, and her acid tongue has prompted me to see the need to integrate my wits and mind so that I can keep up with all her “creativity” these days. Yes. I shall bear in mind to record them down some time soon too.

I try to drink lotsa water these days. I didn’t normally do so back then.

I feel a little lighter these days despite the scales telling me another story.

I want to give my room a major makeover.

I am transforming from the “my room is cosy, it is in an excellent state!” to shaking my head in disgust over my previous state of denial.

I make an effort to get out of the house more often these days.

I finally have time to slow down and enjoy my National Geographic.

I even got out of my comfort zone and my great resentment of shopping.. and brought Minibean to have some girlie shopping time, because apparently, this is what she wrote for her first composition.

Yes, hear me weep you peeps. Hear my bank account bleed.

WHY MY CHILD LIKE THAT?

Whatever happened to her declaring her will to save the world? Whatever happened to expressing passion for politics and world peace? Whatever happened to finding a cure for AIDS and cancer? Whatever happened to breaking all the men’s hearts without getting hers broken???

S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G.?

I shrilled when I saw her composition and wondered where she got that from.

So over her school holidays, besides finding new places to go (after she had lamented “why you bring me come here picnic? You’re so boring mummy” when we went to Botanical Gardens. THAT INGRATE!), I decided I shall be a cool mum, and, thus, shopping shall be it.

Anyway, besides the point.

What else changed?

I realise I am actually becoming less fearful.

I find myself saying yes to things I used to say no to.

And dreadfully, saying no to things I used to say yes to.

Ok, nevermind, that’s another story altogether.

I find myself craving the high for alcohol and I haven’t been touching it for YEARS. Not forgetting I have an allergy to it.

I didn’t like taking fish. But I started to develop craving for fish and chips.

I saw a cockroach, my heart was racing and went into a mental meltdown. but I managed to fool myself enough to compose myself enough to not make a fool of myself.

You see, the point is, I managed to compose myself, doesn’t matter what goes on inside, but I actually am capable of fooling my own mind, with my.. er, own mind.

No make-up? Who cares? Glasses and naked face. I let myself go, hell ya I did, but instead of feeling sore and bad about it, I actually feel pretty fucking good. Though admittedly, the one who requires an urgent make-over is yours truly (need help here, anyone?!?!?!).

Strangely, I find my skin condition the best it has been in these couple of years, ironically, after I turned, what? Thirty.

I have to attribute my travelling life-savers for better skin, better hair… gee, I really should travel more often since skin-care regime only takes place when I am overseas because flaking and cracking of skin is an utterly painful experience.

Most importantly, in past 10 years, there were many things I wanted to do, to achieve, but was too fearful to do so.

Past couple of years, I thought of them often, but thought I’m already too old, too broke to be doing so.

And now, I feel the time is just right.

It doesn’t mean that I stop caring for a lot of things, because they’re an integral part of me I probably can’t deny, like a natural reflex, but then I could somewhat turn it the other way and comfort myself to acceptance.

Tell me this is not quarter-life crisis.

Or maybe, sometimes for you to create the happy-endings in your life, you have to invest in more new beginnings.. for that one chance for it to even happen.

A blank canvas, or perhaps endless supply of it, may be just what I need.

There is like nothing I don’t want to change at this moment. Even this space…. this restlessness is really getting to me.

Eh, why so heavy stuff huh? Fear not, will try to come back with bimbotic, mindless stuff real soon!

Like say, how I watched Mission Impossible IV yesterday and my hormones were trying to send some not-so-subtle signals to me about Jeremy Renner.

I mean, did you see that man in a suit? Oh God.

This was the scene that had me shifting uncomfortably in my seat. Hurhur.

Tom Cruise, WHO? Who’s that man in suit?

Like how today I was sent into a frenzy by Robert Downey Jr’s tweed suit and vest and sizzling eccentricity, and oh God, that English accent… and and and all those sexy, sexy, stubble. I have never kissed a man with a mustache, so watching Sherlock Holmes certainly got me thinking… unceasingly.

They should just leave the stubble on him, honestly.

See, I know something’s undoubtedly wrong with me. BAH. I need to go watch my Twilight to get my hormones in sync again. You guys should know I have always been Edward Cullen kinda girl, laughs.

Strangely how I feel like I have so much bursting out of me, yet I can’t think of anything to write in this space, and so on and on, I rambled my way through yet another meaningless post.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | No Comments »

Not the same river

December 15th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

You may wonder, ‘How can I leave it all behind if I am just coming back to it? How can I make a new beginning if I simply return to the old?’ The answer lies in the return. You will not come back to the ‘same old thing.’ What you return to has changed because you have changed. Your perceptions will be altered. You will not incorporate into the same body, status, or world you left behind. The river has been flowing while you were gone. Now it does not look like the same river. – Steven Foster

The answer lies in the return. I did not come back the same old Ting (okay, that was pretty lame but still……..).

Especially so with my latest episode of escapades, though whatever hit me, was definitely sneakily unexpected, and at this very moment, I still try hard to make sense of it all.

It is just a shame that in the past couple of years, I had let the definitive moments slip by without giving them much thoughts or fanfare, and on hindsight, how they became a personal loss.

If you don’t already know, I do have a sadistic tendency to pause the memory button ever so often, to revisit fragments of my past, regardless of the joy or pain they brought.

Pain is good, it can bring joy when you realise that you are still alive, and how faraway the pain is. You press down hard on the cut as if to check if it was real, cos you hardly feel it anymore. Unaware to self, you rub on the scar ceremoniously to wake the demons, almost adoringly, and the undeniable victorious thrill when you realise what you thought could kill you feels no more than a needle prick these days.

It doesn’t linger. It doesn’t stain.

Joy of the past.. sometimes brings more pain. It creates the bubble of hope, a dreamland of possibilities, adding the frills to the reality, spurring on expectations of what-could-have-beens, and brewing a buzz of induced high. Like a drug.

You grow reliant on it, until it wears off and what’s left before your eyes is just the reality because don’t we already know with expectations come one hellava bitch of disappointments.

When is the high wearing off? I don’t know, but it feels like I can go on with this buzz for a while, and riding on its wave is all I wanna do right now.

I don’t remember feeling this way for a few years already. I am as glad as I am fearful to be able to feel this way again.

Just because, I was shown the world.

Gosh.  CAN SOMEONE THROW THE ALARM CLOCK IN MY FACE ALREADY?! That will definitely be some kind of merciful release for me…

… and the people around me.

***

Exploring the world out there is a very personal experience, regardless how massive a group you are travelling with. Ahem, trust me, I have been travelling with massive groups these days so I know what I am talking about, though the irony remains cos if you know me, you would know my preferred travelling size is Oh-En-Yee, unless you are cool, or hot, preferably both, and paying for my trip.

Everyone sees something different, learns something different, feels something different. There’s just too much out there for us to digest what we experienced and fit the pieces into the puzzle voids of our lives, and with each of us having different missing pieces, what we are looking for is understandably different. Unless of course we are talking about THAT Chanel 2.55… well that’s another story altogether!

I revisited some places in the past 2 years (not to mention my yearly pilgrimage to London), and had the blessing to visit some new ones which floored me with their absolute beauty.

Everytime I get to a new place, I always tell myself I NEED to, and I WANT to be back again. But then, hello? I don’t print money, and am too old to be shagging Justin Bieber (though the thought really kills my libido for good, and that says a lot since I am supposedly in my sexual prime at T-H-I-R-T-Y. Which scientist did the study by the way? I would like to make a complaint…) and claim to have a lovechild by him.

And there are simply too many new places to see.

I haven’t been to a place I hadn’t enjoyed myself in the past couple of years, because I think at the end of it, it is always up to us to find something different to spice up the trip. I am thankful I didn’t have to do much of that because the places I go, though sometimes half-heartedly and reluctantly, I ended up being pleasantly surprised.

I wish to jot down all the highlights like I used to, but with the overwhelming accumulation, it seems unlikely I would ever get started.

The moments this space had missed. Snippets is a good start, perhaps.

January 2010

The Royal Caribbean cruise to Kuala Lumpur, Langkawi and Phuket.

Langkawi, with Minibean.

We didn’t get to go off the cruise when it was docking at Kuala Lumpur cos we slept through it.

Phuket. Phuket was different for me this time as I had counted down to 2009 at Phuket over a diving trip, and land activities beckoned this time round.

The hilarious episode (and a subplot of an awfully painful incident I witnessed) at the ATV centre. Not to mention how I silent (read: not silenced, though I very much wanted to) 3 men with my, well, dare I say, superb marksmanship.

The amazing sunset I want Minibean to never forget as we cruised on the sea.

How she wailed and bawled cos she had no faith in me. Pfft.

The amazing people I had already written about on the cruise. Gosh, it was a year ago when I wrote briefly about the experience, and almost 2 from the cruise.

Minibean still has an impeccable memory to the elements of the cruise, and kiddos these days are fortunate that they have digital refreshers to keep their memories air-tight.

***

May 2010

Batam, Indonesia

A short, overnight trip to Batam to celebrate Edy’s birthday marked my virgin trip to Batam. There was nothing much about the trip to shout about, though it was the first time I travelled overseas to celebrate a friend’s birthday!

Of course, the disbelief on everyone’s face when they realised I had never been to Batam at the grand, old age of twenty-nine.

***

29 July – 1 August 2010

Sri Lanka

I cannot even begin to tell you how fabulous this place is, a truly hidden gem that is slowly gaining pace for tourism after recovering resiliently after being brutally battered by the tsunami in 2004, and concluding its civil war after 26 long years in May 2009.

There is so much more of Sri Lanka to explore, to see, and the magnificent beaches I have heard of but didn’t venture to. The folklores. The quiet beauty of it all.

Few know that majority of Sri Lankans are buddhists and the population has one of the highest literacy index in the world and majority of them speak English.

This exotic destination is shaped like a pearl, though I insist it looks like a teardrop. The people are amazing, the service staff were the sweetest thing. It is moment like this I realise how much of the trip has faded off in my memory as I try my darnest to recall everything. I remember the excitement I had when I returned, I remember raving the country to friends.. but over what?

Age is catching up on me.

Truly a shame.

***

8 – 18 November 2010

London, United Kingdom

A rainy day where the gale wind broke a couple of brollies. A sombre day at Westminster Abbey as it was Armistice Day.

This trip, we had company. This trip I was bought a lapdance. Yes, a hot young lady gyrated her nakedness before me and kissed my chest. Yes, it was a private dance. And she was incredibly hot, to the point the boys protested that I had chosen the most beautiful girl on the floor.

She was in a scarlet dress. Maybe that was what caught my eyes.

But hey, I bet I could work the pole better than most of the girls in Stringfellows.

And then, there was Jiali who had left for London for her studies.

And then the trip to Bicester and Oxfordshire.

The commuting to Canary Wharf.

Love Never Dies.

I flew alone and I love it.

***

I didn’t think I would travel much in 2011 since my savings were pretty much depleted after my sabbatical from the corporate world, though I was very fortunate to have a friend who offered me a chance to manage some projects for him.

Then, in March, the only likelihood for me to travel, was to Batam again.

30th – 31st March 2011

The company was awesome and we had combat time in the scorching afternoon sun.

But nothing beats the top of the world feeling I had.

So what if it was only Batam?

I jetski-ed for the first time. I went on a banana boat for the first time. And I parasailed for the first time.

Awesome.

And those air gun pellets? They hurt like a bitch.

***

3rd – 8th June 2011

Perth, Australia

The place didn’t charm me as much as the stories I heard, the people I met did.

It was highlighted by the 2 Keiths. My driver, and a farmer who showed us around.

I want to share the story someday, and I know I have to.

I probably didn’t realise how much it was a changing point for me, as the trip came pretty unexpected, and the commitment to it came just days before the trip.

Before I knew it, I was on my first trip to Perth, and though the city is a little too subdued for my liking, the chance for me to stretch together with the dance students in WAPAA, and to be away from the heat and humidity, I was only too thankful.

I remember the moment when the 2 teachers and I got teary-eyed because of the story shared by Keith the farmer.

I remember the students and their fabulous dance-off which made me wish I was young again, and one of them, Elizabeth, one of the nicest girls possible, went on to appear on television and Minibean became a fan of hers.

I met teachers who make me believe in the education system again. I met teachers who touched me greatly. I met teachers who made me feel the passion to want to teach again.

But seriously, which education system in the world would accommodate a non-conformist like me?

Certainly not here.

***

24 August – 6 September 2011

London, United Kingdom

British Museum.

Singapore Airlines reminded me that my air miles were expiring in September, and I had enough to fly to London.

What was I waiting for?!

Not much planning, and tickets were booked. Spontaneity yet again.

Wicked. Wizard of Oz.

Since I was starting my new work, I decided to take a holiday, well in case I don’t get to go holiday (duh, not every chance to head out of town is a holiday okay?) much in the future.

Days before I flew off, I decided to be adventurous, and thus an impromptu itinerary took form, and before I knew it…

… Amsterdam, Netherlands beckoned, biatches!

I did go to a coffeeshop, but I was a good girl.

It was early morning when I left Amsterdam, and took a sleepy train ride into Cologne, Germany.

This is where the real adventure begins because I did not check out Cologne at all. I headed straight for the airport to pick up the rented car, and we took on the autobahn.

For the uninitiated, for most stretch of autobahns in Germany, there is no fucking speed limit!

Hallelujah!!

Dare I say that I met the best drivers in Germany? They were beyond awesome. And you would think driving fast = dangerous. Nah-uh. They are probably the safest drivers I ever encountered.

You guys haven’t seen how Sri Lankans drive. *shudders at thought*

Drove to Heidelberg.

And downwards to south-west Bavaria, to Schwangau, Germany.

Real-life fairytale castle!

Though the actual highlight for me wasn’t this Neuschwanstein Castle, but the quaint village it was tucked away in.

The horror when your GPS greeted you with “Welcome to Austria” when it was all dark. I decided not to cheat to say that I have been to Austria too despite I was on its land when we lost our way, since I only flirted with its border.

The majestic alps framing the picturesque town… way too much awesomeness for me to even begin to write about.

Baby steps, baby steps.

Nuremberg. I actually really, really liked Nuremberg. It was probably the one most short-changed in the ra-ra factor department, but the short time I was there, I saw that it has lotsa gems waiting to be discovered, and it left a deep impression in me with its character.

Drove to Dresden for the train ride into one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

Didn’t see much in Dresden either, though what I saw of it on the train, on the car-ride, it was my loss that I didn’t get acquainted with it.

I want to say that Germany surprised me. I didn’t think much of Germany as a travel destination before but I can’t even begin to say how hard I fell for Germany during this trip.

The rich and dark history it carried with it… the gorgeous men it bred.

Goodbye Germany. I didn’t know how soon we would meet again.

One of the reasons why I had stepped into Germany was because I really wanted to see Prague, Czech Republic and it was the dots that I needed to connect to find myself there.

Prague was unusually hot and I felt myself toasted under the sun despite being 20 degrees (yes, I am a summer-snob, I don’t like to travel in summer), which gave rise to this utter discomfort, and I would say Prague failed to work its charm on me on our first date. It was beautiful but it felt a bit one-dimensional to me.

But I was really glad I went there because some answers, you can only find out for yourself whilst you are there.

It concluded the impulsive trip out of London, and it was where I flew back to London via EasyJet.

It took only a couple of days in London before I moved on to Paris, France via EuroStar with Brian and Jiali.

The Louvre. If only the Abercrombie and Fitch men lined up outside Singapore’s branch (I hear grand opening is in a couple of hours’ time, no wonder I am still awake!) are capable of the pose of Dying Slave.

3rd trip to Paris but it was more than 10 years since my last trip and I like Paris more than I did in the past.

It was great company though I would have liked to have more time at the Louvre.

Fall definitely agrees with Paris. The colours that clothed Paris were stunning.

I left Europe reluctantly, not sure when would be the next time I see its glory.

***

11th – 16th October 2011

Hangzhou/Shanghai, China

My first ever trip to China.

Boy, what a trip it was.

The walk down Nanjing Road on the last night in Shanghai, looking on to the mesmerising lights telling the story of China’s amazing progression.

I promised Yi Ying (the girl in the yellow sweater) I will write about her coloured socks.

It was with a bunch of crazy (I say that in the nicest possible way!) youths, and I was made to feel like a 16 year-old all over again.

I ate. And I ate. And I ate.

China felt so intimate to me. I felt right at home, and it was as though I knew it at the back of my hand, and to be there to meet her finally, was an experience I can’t even begin to put into words.

Put it simply, I love China. Quirks and all. Because it is a place where you truly see a lot. Overwhelmingly so. And sometimes you don’t need to see too much of dolled-up reality, because witnessing the survival of the fittest/meanest in its rawest form is just… life-changing I suppose.

With its rich history, folklore, myths and beautiful landscape, what they say is right, everyone needs to go to China to see it for themselves.

It’s not everyone’s cuppa tea, but I await for the day I will return to it again.

***

17th November – 29th November 2011

London, United Kingdom

The colors. I fell in love even if I was by myself.

Certainly didn’t expect that fate would bring me back to London so soon, barely 2 months into my last trip.

So yes, hello there Europe, you have lured me back again.

This trip was very much working till you are almost losing your mind, and then you check the calendar to realise you would be flying off within next couple of days, and then on the day itself, you just had to pack and leave for the airport as if you are just going to the nearby shopping mall 5 minutes away from your house.

This was one of the trip I felt most reluctant to go, but perhaps is the most important trip of all, because I had really needed the break to get away.

With Minibean going away to Israel, it seemed like the right time for me to be away as well.

Wicked. Billy Elliot. A bunch of students with lotsa heart and made me cry with the little gestures…

The nights I bunked over with Jiali and she took such good care of me that I felt like I was the luckiest person on earth.

As the group concluded, I found myself on a flight to Berlin, Germany on my own. Was really excited because a new city awaits, and I didn’t even give much thought of how I was going to navigate my way to the hotel when both my phones were running out of juice.

Amazingly, I survived the fact that Berlin airport had no train station. I took a bus to a train station which was deserted and nothing like I had seen in other parts of Germany.

With 2 pieces of luggage, no less, totalling to 35kg, perhaps (don’t judge! It’s winter!).

The lift at the train station wasn’t working.

But I managed to get to the hotel, woohoooooo, mightily proud.

Met another group, and thereby started my next adventure………..

Hell ya, I was back in Prague, Czech Republic.


I can’t believe how a change in the weather could result in such a drastic shift in perspective. I agree with what others are saying.

Prague belongs to stories of make-belief. Of fairytales. I saw Prague in the day, in the night, before sunset… and most beautifully, before sunrise.

The alone time I had to myself was therapeutic. Of course the fattening snacks helped a great deal. The cold was sobering, but did little to snap me out of the dreamy state as I pranced around the vicinity on my own, shedding behind an old me.

There was a new-found belief, and how invigorating it was.

It could be just sugar-high since I had accidentally bought a bottle of concentrate thinking it was orange juice and the first mouthful was well, soul-awakening.

I had wanted to write, but realised many functions were locked on my work station, so bummer there.

I swear there was something about the sub-zero air that made me dream again.

I had a dream one night after stuffing myself with too much snacks and with the phone in bed while whatsapping Janet halfway, which I refused to wake from.

But hello? I was working, so lazing under the duvet was definitely out of the question.

You know one of those dreams which feel so real and if it is one of those sleep-in days, you would will yourself to sleep on just to continue the dream?

Could it be the television? I am one of those who would get disturbed sleep with the television on and I remember falling asleep with the television on before I woke to switch it off.

Unlikely. But look, here I am trying to find justification for that dream I had cos it felt too real, and feeling all silly with all the morbid fascination I have for it.

When I did wake, I held on to the details dearly, refusing to let go, and thought how nice it would be should I one day write it down as a chapter to a book.

A chapter that takes place on page 77 (if one day I do remember to write about it, then it shall all become relevant).

About a stranger in my dream, it shall be.

Alas, like all dreams, details will start to become sketchy.. a lil faded and faces become a blur.

***

Someday, I will flesh out the above one by one.

I thought I would take 30 minutes for this post, but apparently, I didn’t manage to catch the end of it before sunrise.

Maybe I am indeed getting too old for this.

If just the snippets had taken me 4 hours (bloody hell, it’s 7.30am now!)…. who knows what the river would become by the time I finally start on them?

Now if you would excuse me, I shall go hit the sacks, and maybe I might just dream one of those dreams again.

It feels good, to be back here, on this space.

Posted in The vast out there | 5 Comments »

Pick up where I left off. Should I?

December 11th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

It’s the time of the year again. My favourite time of the year.

This year, the year-end season thrills me like it hadn’t for the past years.

I feel… dare I say it (for the fear of jinxing it, obviously!), hopeful.

Something feels different. Something has changed.

So much so that when I used to jot down everything on this space to mark the significance each episodes I had in my life, that I realise the most significant and life-changing couple of years had failed to make much of its mark here.

I felt a spur of impulse in me recently to try to catch up with whatever I can, before my handicapped memory bank sifts out the important elements and let everything fades away.. then I get overwhelmed by the 1001 things I want to get through with before I allow myself to calm my thoughts… and start.

I think.. I have a better idea of what I want in life after my recent trips away.

I can perhaps point out the exact moments the revelation hits me, but life has its funny way of pulling you back to the usual momentum you are used to and trap you in it.

And then this time, I realise how much I refuse to settle.

It may sound totally irrelevant, but few days back I was bantering with a sales person good-heartedly because.. well, I used to really resent pushy sales people because I can’t find it within me to say no to them and I feel terribly awkward to be stuck in that situation, and to let them know how turn-off it is.

I don’t know what came over me but I actually went into a cheeky negotiation with her and managed to get my magical “NO” across in a way that I know she bore no hard feelings to me at the end of it.

In the end, she and her colleagues asked me if I would like to join them. Point is.. it was one of the rare times I said no successfully, and walked away leaving no residue of ill feelings on both ends.

It felt.. well, fucking good.

I got back from my recent Europe trip doing things I hadn’t done in a long time, enjoying plenty of alone time before Minibean got back from her Israel trip, and when she did return, we had lotsa alone time together, and I miss all these private moments and catching up on her growth (oh man, I will have the gems she spewed forth cast in stone soon!) which slipped me by over the course of starting my new job and diving straight into the peak period before I could even get used to the momentum.

Of course, doubts do set in ever so often here and there because, c’mon, an overthinker like me to stop doing so completely? Nah-uh. Not happening.

I will say the past few months, I have met people, been to places, seen things, learnt things that are of such minute importance but yet, are probably the precise triggers to what could potentially change my life.

The goods. And the bads.

I came back trying to fix things. Things I was too fearful to fix. But then if not now, when? Earlier this year, I got inferior about my age.

Yes, turning thirty is incredibly, crazily, fucking, scary. And then when 31 is looming, you suddenly realise how fabulous this can really get.

Especially when I get carded over the counter just a week ago. Cheyenne was standing next to me as I bit my lips tight and dug deep into my wallet. She asked what I was looking for. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I was holding it ALLLLLLL INNNNN.

When she asked again, I burst out laughing and giggling (totally unglamourous and uncool I swear!).

Gone were the days that you get cheap thrills out of getting in to clubs with your doctored student ID (back when laminated hand-written ISIC was used, gee!), and now you get cheap thrills when you get your ID checks.

So back to getting things done.

Some things will take a bit longer for me to do so, but I made a mental note that I will try to do it, because I need to get over that fucking fear of failure.

I came back and chucked so much of the things I used to hoard, and the secondary school textbooks are finally gone.

I brought Minibean to IKEA, and I did some major spring cleaning which I believe is only 30% done.

All the books are now onto the shelves, though from the looks of it I might need a decent, bigger book shelves, or hold a garage sale sometimes soon. Then again, I am not sure my shallow reading list (Twilight trilogy, anyone?) would make me a few quids.

I need to write.

As in, I know on and off I do, random stuff these days, but then I don’t have to admit and everyone can see how little I am offering on this space these days, and I mean, about myself.

I miss the days when my soul can be stripped bare here. I miss the days when I can be unabashedly shameless and candid and not be judged for it. But then with a life as bland as mine… how is that even possible..

Then again. I started to dream recently. And the dreams I indulge in, may just be what I need. A fantasy world we crave so our realities get more bearable.

Now, the next project might just be getting Minibean her own room. I wanna hand paint something for her.

I wanna pick up a skill or 2. I used to tell myself I was too old to do so. Hey, not now, then what? When I am fucking forty?

Hell no.

And I wanna dig deep into the recesses of my memory.

For I have 2 years of space I need to make up for here.

Hopefully, today is a start, and not just another burst of enthusiasm that would be dampened by procrastination or fear in time to come.

Don’t you just love December?

Of hope. Of love. Of change.

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Prague, the last night.

November 27th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

I remember the last time I had this feeling was the last night I had in Shanghai.

I also remember the reluctance I had everytime the night before departing for a trip, and the dread of packing, the unknown, and bogged by the worries of not able to keep up with the expectations of the group.

Somehow, everytime I leave the country, I will meet amazing people who show me beautiful things about the world which will ease those worries away, and leave me feeling this very sentiment I have at this very moment.

I don’t want to go home.

I just wanna stay here and soak up the gorgeous sites, the rich history, the fascinating culture and endless possibilities of adventure.

Today will be my last night in Prague, and honestly, I haven’t got the chance to revisit some places that I would like to do so, or to walk down the scenic places on my own to do some quiet reflections.

The dread of packing is actually making me a tad teary. I am not sure why, perhaps I do know why, but am too stubborn to admit.

I feel this incredible heaviness within me knowing that these 2 weeks of adventure is coming to an end… because over this period of time, I think I found a part of myself I had lost, and longed to retrieve.

Both groups of students I led had showed me so much love that it is hard for me to bid farewell, and it is a humbling experience to see how kids of their age could show me there’s so much things out there I ought to learn.

And the teachers I met on the trip.

The late night chats. The uncontrollable laughters when we had done and said things that students should never hear about. The sheer passion of these people… I am just honored to get acquainted with some of them that I can’t even begin to word my thoughts on this space.

The hugs.

I can’t even describe the sadness I have within me at this moment. I was speaking with some of these amazingly intelligent young ladies about life, and sharing about the cliche of not to leave regrets in your life by filling it up with “what ifs” and suddenly, the ‘what ifs” are eating me up at this moment, and it is pretty sad to realise what a wimp I have become.

But in the past 2 weeks, I have been myself more than I have in the past couple of years back home.

And of course, reality is waiting for me back home, and it is just sad that life’s fleeting moments are becoming much more appealing options to my dreaded reality.

I somewhat wish I am educator again. I really do. But I do realise it is a system that probably doesn’t have room for me to be myself simply cos I don’t fit in.

Sometimes, passion just ain’t enough.

I don’t wanna go home.

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London to Berlin to Prague

November 16th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

I didn’t realise when packing an hour before leaving for the airport is normal, especially when I am packing for subzero climate, and realised how the bag is filled with stuff I wear just any other day.

I know I probably will need a scarf but after losing tons of them along the way in the past couple of years, I am just keeping my fingers crossed and hope for the best. Well, there’s always a legit reason to shop at H&M to prep me for the appalling weather in Berlin and Prague.

As usual, I have my pre-flight jitters, and the unbearable feeling of parting sorrows, but somehow a part of me can’t wait to get on with this trip, knowing that I will have some time to be by myself in Prague, and meeting some of my favouritest people in London.

I am indeed lucky that I am revisiting some of the most beautiful places and can catch up with what I missed 2 months ago, and then I sure am looking forward to finally visit Berlin, and getting the damn Germany chopchop on my passport!

A little apprehensive, and a little fearful, yet a little hopeful, and a lil.. dare I say, gleeful to be away.

Minibean will be away in 3 days’ time, and by the time I am back, she would still be away, and only be back on her 5th birthday.

Gee… it has been that long. I shall stop the track of my thoughts here or it might go on longer than it should.

I am praying for a safe journey for her, and one that will be fruitful, just I hope mine will be.

The little one even wrote love notes and lovely cards for me to bring with me this time round. I am so gonna miss her terribly.

Mummy loves you a lot, and the thought of being away from you again, is actually a tad more painful than any other time. I love you a lot, a lot, and I will start sending those postcards, after I didn’t manage to find any in Shanghai.

On the bright side, we will have so much time to ourselves in December, and when she is going into K2… and then the horror of registering her for primary 1 begins….

Till I get internet access. Lots of love to everyone!

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Conclusion to my clumsy episode

November 6th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

I am the most cynical person you would find, but at the same time, I irk myself with how naive I can sometimes be.

But hey I always think of it as a choice, and sometimes this naivety will bring me some pleasant surprises I would never expect, apart from the nasty ones that come bite me in the ass, of course.

So, I guess the episode of me damaging someone’s bumper has been weighing heavily on my head for the past week, and with all the work uncertainties and financial worries, plus the fact that I am a noob at such matters, I was totally in a loss.

I guess everyone had the experiences of meeting complete arseholes on the road, which explains why my lack of initiative sounded pretty appalling to them.

I have had heard horror stories how people tend to take advantage of claims and then that’s why there’s a need to take pictures and all.. and then how they will play you out and all.

Which makes the fact that I didn’t even take any pictures (a camwhore like me also can miss this out, seriously?!) a complete no-no.

And the driver actually very kindly sent me the pictures when I asked him to do so.

He actually leave the decision up to me if I want to pay through insurance or cash… when I had initially let the decision-making up to him. Yah, sounds like a typical “What should be have for dinner?” “Anything, up to you lor!“.

When I was swarmed with work and replied him a day later, he had never bugged me or anything.. and he would even message me to tell me he hadn’t got the time to head to workshop so I gotta wait another day for the quote.

I had pretty much let him choose his own workshop, get his own quote and assessment done when friends had asked me to get my mechanic down to assess it together or insisted he goes to my workshop, which would guarantee me a better price.

Somemore.. uh, I don’t know how to make this sound politically correct, but from his name, he is probably a Chinese national who’s a local citizen now, which makes all the people around me a tad uncomfortable.

I mean, I don’t have anything in particular against them or feel strongly against foreign talents as much as many out there, but I have to say that personally, I did encounter many not-so-honest, scamming, scheming, rude people of the same country (which I must again reinstate that I am not judging all of them to be the same cos I do have amazing Chinese friends too).

Gee, why the fuck am I being so politically correct. Let’s just say that the locals are more wary of the Chinese nationals. Fact. Is it justified? Sometimes!

But in this case, my gut feel, which served me well but failed me once too many times too, told me there is really nothing much to worry about.

Which is also why I didn’t even bother to think about writing letters or reporting it and blarblarblar until he makes a decision.

So he sent me the quote, and with the repair, workmanship, spray paint and car replacement, it came up to high $700s, which is much higher than the few workshop I had worked with had quoted me.

But it also holds true that if my workshop knows I am claiming from someone’s else, they will also mark it higher because I ain’t the one paying it, standard practise and I understand.

So the chap wasn’t quite willing to put his car to my workshop and I actually do believe that he is more comfortable with his workshop instead of wanting to get more of out it.. but the fact is, I really wouldn’t mind paying for his repairs and then the excess goes to his pocket for the inconveniences instead of the workshop, you know what I mean?

So eventually, he actually said he would go without the car replacement and repair his car when he goes on holiday next year, and he set the settlement closer to what my workshop has quoted. Of course that also makes me feel incredibly bad again………

And he said he will write a letter for me and sign it to discharge me of the liabilities, when I didn’t even remember to do so.

I was having quite a bad day yesterday……. when I saw his message.. I was actually getting teary eyed, because, bless his heart, seriously, a stranger can be so nice and brings more hope to this bleak, bleak world.

I think I am just very lucky to be blessed to meet with a slight accident, nothing serious, and at the same time, despite the financial strain, I am lucky I didn’t meet someone who would make this worse by taking advantage of the situation.

I can’t thank you enough, Mr Wang, cos seriously, your kindness touched me a great deal on a day where I am mopping over the uncertainties and getting discouraged by the disappointment brought forth by the people around me.

It takes a stranger’s kindness, however small it seems to you, and he probably think nothing of it, for you to find hope again.

I mean, everyone is so cynical these days, and he didn’t even doubt when I pass him my number/IC number, I miss the old days when everyone can be this trusting with strangers, and having the trust goes both ways.

I hope Minibean will one day grow up to be a lady of such fine, brilliant character who can trust, and can be trusted, and the people she meet, will not take advantage of the trusting character.

Posted in People, Perk-me-ups | No Comments »

And the winner of Olay Project 360 is…..

November 5th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

*Drumsroll*

Okay, you just gotta read on to find out who’s the winner, laughs!

It felt like just yesterday that I met plenty of cool people over the course of the project, and I actually feel a tad forlorn that the 1st season of Olay Project has came to a close.

The conclusion to the project was an elaborated one when an exclusive all-girls event was hosted at White Rabbit by Olay and Nuffnang, where we were pampered with all things girly, with invitation extended out to all the beauty-conscious ladies beyond the project.

It was a cosy night where I got to catch up with the lovely Qiuting, Amanda, Mint, Valerie, Candy, Joanna  (it’s a shame Daphne is not there as she had a prior commitment, we miss you Daphne!), not forgetting the host, Wendy, and also the incredibly fun crew behind the scenes like Melissa (who had just returned from an amazing holiday from Europe *envious*) and the production team who had came all the way down from KL.

Making an appearance was also Ming and many other Nuffnang crew.

The staff from Olay were also present to find out about our first hand experiences with the products, and shared with us the directions of Olay products, the R&D that goes on behind their products, and we even realized how some of the awesome products which are available overseas but not yet in our local market that got us all excited.

We were treated to yummy finger food, free flow of drinks, which made me real sulky since I’m allergic to alcohol but nevermind, I have a lot of orange juice to make up for it!

THEY EVEN HAD MASSAGE STATIONS! Feel so pampered and loved!!

Lihui joined me for the occasion and girls-night-out like these had never been more fun :)

Everyone was looking exceptionally lovely, especially with the girls looking all transformed and glowy, which proves how successful the project has been.

I have to sheepishly admit how I had forgotten my camera which explains how this post even lacks its bare essential of pictures…. that’s why I say must invite us again so we can take more next time!

For those who had missed the event, and the guys who didn’t have the privilege to enjoy the perks of being a lady… fret not, all the highlights of the event are now in the final episode of Olay Project 360!

Watch episode 6 of Olay Project 360 here and see for yourself how glamourous and fabulous the event was!

http://youtu.be/KPBFC6m44pE

As the night progressed, it was time for the results!

We were gathered for the announcements, and there were 2 winners, one for the Regenerist series, and another for White Radiance series.

And the winner for the White Radiance is… Valerie, this year’s Miss Universe Singapore, our beauty queen!

And the winner for the Regenerist series is… Candy!

Congrats to the winners and I still can’t believe the project is now over with all the fun and people I have met.. especially some new friends I have established and hope to keep for a long, long while.

Who knows they might have a 2nd series and we might *cough* be invited back as special guest mentors or something….. so we can have more fun and share more gossips and coo over all things girly! *shameless volunteer here!*

Special thanks for those who made it happen, and it wasn’t just a random project for me, but one that has gotten me out of my comfort zone, and not being diplomatic here, but it did change certain perspectives I had, beyond all the beauty tips, and skin care transformation.

There were many hilarious episodes that were not captured within the short episodes since we spent hours together and everything was compressed into few minutes of clips. There were stories shared by everyone that will touch you in one way or another. There were people you met whom you thought would be difficult but would end up brilliant in every single way. There were tiny episodes that people might not even realise, but that they actually made a difference through…

For that, I am thankful, and hopefully it would be the same for everyone who was involved in the project!

Hopefully someday, our paths will cross again.

Posted in People, Tried & Tested/Advertorials | No Comments »

My virgin accident

October 30th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

The picture failed to mention how it makes me broke too.

The accident couldn’t have came at a “better” time, when I was just mulling over the finances. With my new job, it brings plenty of fulfillment, but at the same time, it also means that I don’t get paid until like say, 4 months later, which means plenty of financial planning is essential to last me to my payday.

And being new at it, these coming 4 months are mostly spent picking up the ropes, which translated to tighter finances and lesser returns. Being an idealist, sometimes the job satisfaction means I am willing to compromise what I get because… well, sometimes you feel better making things happen for some of the people you meet that you forgot how to say “no”.

I am not complaining, but have to remind myself to be a tad more realistic. Then again, I trust everything happens for a reason and the Big Guy up there will be watching over me.

I have been busy, tired, and I think almost to the point I am burnt out. Public holiday was spent rushing to the airport in the wee hours of the morning, and Saturday was spent commuting between schools, and doing my virgin briefings with plenty of nerves being tugged and tied. Weekdays are just plenty of late-nights in the office to finish the neverending stuff. I am not saying I am hardworking, but because my mind is wired in the way that I am not-so-competent, I need to be doubly cautious and need more time to catch up to speed.

Put it this way, I just managed to finish all my Shanghai laundry… and it has been 2 weeks since I got home. And my luggage still sits neglectedly at a corner cos I haven’t unpack everything yet.

Damn.

I can’t remember when was the last time I have had some proper sleep, or some quality time with Minibean, which I feel terribly bad about.

This morning, I made it a point to send her to Sunday school because I feel a need to do something for her… Alas, being a full time mum is not being financial-wise, but I look forward to the lull period in December when she returns from her trip, and when I return from mine to make up for the lost time.

In time baby, in time.

I had an ominous feeling over the week with all the fatigue building up, that for the first time since I got my driving license, I was contemplating not to drive out.

Then again, I was thinking about all the costumes for the dressing up party for Crystal’s birthday and a gathering with the pole girls that… I don’t think I really should be prancing around in what I was wearing on the public transport system.

Case in point: Ahem.

I will probably die walking around in the above, or trip to my death or something. In fact, there was a point last night I was standing still on a spot without moving, and I tripped.

Yes, I am clumsy that way.

It was my first somewhat Halloween party, though it was not really a Halloween party per se cos there was no scary dress code, but it was a private gathering of the pole chicks where the theme was lace and leather.

Yes. How kinky.

We also gathered for the gorgeous Crystal’s birthday….

Okay, maybe Ella’s camera’s picture is better:

I was on my way to the dinner and I actually couldn’t remember which way to turn, which was quite rare, cos I normally know my directions awesomely well, and I was looking out for the road signs.

Obviously I missed it.

It was when I saw the traffic light was red, and there was car which stopped right before me.

Somehow, I thought I saw the car moved forward, and I loosened my brake.

I didn’t even realise my car rolled forward. In fact, I don’t think I even realised I hit the car before me, because I was that tired and stoned. My car didn’t even jerk.

So this was the damage I caused to the fellow Toyota driver before me, and I surveyed my car. Not even my number plate had a scratch nor a dent to it.

My Prius is very the sturdy, don’t you guys dare to make jokes about my lovely Prius next time.

I know it was every bit of my fault so I beat myself up pretty badly the entire night, and I can only have myself to blame.

We exchanged numbers and IC and he didn’t even look at my number or IC twice and he just took it. Must be a nice person cos he didn’t throw vulgarities my way or I might just break down and cry though I looked very steady when I got off my car.

I asked him to call my phone to verify it is a valid number and he didn’t find the need to do so. Super nice, so I feel even worse.

I wanted to message him to reassure him I will be responsible for it, then… obviously I had misplaced the paper lah! I only managed to find it under my seat when I got home late.

Anyway.

Totally regret I didn’t leave my car at home.

Oh well.

Anyway. I got more jittery as I drove off, and spent another 20 minutes getting lost around Tanjong Pagar, whether if I was still tired, or in shock, I don’t know.

This is the way to drown my sorrows at Crystal’s birthday before I made my way out. I brought along her present but didn’t have the time to wrap it, sibei pai seh, I go pretty it and pass to you on Tuesday okay?

The most amazing part of the pole journey, is the amazing people you meet, the spontaneity, and they are nowhere bitchy, and are always there to encourage you. Happy birthday resident Smurfette! HAHA, it looks like everyone’s got a pole!

The chap called me today to let me know that IDAC assessed it to be $1k, but since insurance is under my dad’s name, I just want to settle everything by myself without getting him involved.

Man. Super broke.

Me and the most gorgeous doctor ever, Li Jia, only recently then I realise she’s a Shanghai babe, I should go drink more of the water there.

Taken with Li Jia’s camera. MUAHAHAHHA I want to buy her camera, got optical illusion function!

Hottest doctors, EVER!

You know life is unfair when you meet people like them. Hot, sexy, smart and with the nicest possible characters to match.

Me and the awesomest instructor – Eunice.

With her again. If only I have her grace and creativity.. she’s such an inspiring character, I tell ya!

Saw the pole and couldn’t resist jamming a little.

The most I could do before I sat down to watch the rest perform, and they were amazing. Time for me to spare some time to head down to studio to catch up before I couldn’t even hold myself up on the pole.

I have a song in mind to do choreo to.

Actually. 3. I am very greedy but then.. I can’t do a damn choreo and wish for the day I could to come.

I think I should go binge eating before I start starving myself to save up! And then hardworking-ly work them off with more stretching.

Counting down to less than 3 weeks before next trip.

Posted in Life of a Drama Mama | No Comments »

Speak nothing. Fear everything.

October 25th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

It is one of those days where words fail me.

I wish I could put into words every minute details of the thoughts I have in me I have these days, but they pass me by so swiftly that I can’t even hold on to them.

Either that, or they are buried intentionally at the back of my head, so I do not have to over-analyse, over-think, because… I simply don’t have the privilege to do so anymore.

We all need a lil space, a lil room to run away to, to hide from the big, bad world, to sort out the real us before it can deal with the real world out there.

That needs plenty of courage… or denial. I don’t have much of the former, so I hold on to the latter with my dear life.

Someday, I might find the honesty that has eluded this space for the longest time, or maybe I have reached the age that social responsibility triumphs it all.

Someday, maybe, someday.

On another note, I might finally get down to write about Shanghai trip. Too eventful to miss.

Or maybe the beautiful V-Lynn’s wedding.

Before I get overwhelmed by the work, endless trips to Changi Airport at obscene hours, or when the next exciting thing comes up, say the leather and lace pole party this weekend. WOOHOOO!

Posted in The Dreamer Within | No Comments »

Anticipating the anticipated

October 17th, 2011 by Scarlett Ting

It was only when I touched down did I realise how much I didn’t want to come back.

The stark reality stared me back in my face, and I wish I could do a U-turn and take another flight to fly somewhere.

Anywhere.

I was too drained to find anything within me, I must have had fallen asleep while listening to A Drop in the Ocean, a song I gotten acquainted with cos someone let me listen to it in Shanghai when I had a bad day, and left me in a world of my own.

I have never quite listened to songs on my phone, but somehow this trip has changed that equation, and well, that’s another story altogether.

The trip was one to be remembered for all the brilliant spontaneous people, the extreme loads of shopping the students did which I did none, aplenty of cultural shock, the rude and nice Chinese men we met, minimal amount of sleep, I was on an eating spree almost everyday cos the guide fed me well and that someone made me cry (knn!) on the bus (murphy’s law says that right at the moment you cry, the teacher would turn to you to ask for a picture together).

I surprised myself how much I enjoyed China. I think it was the history part that charmed me aplenty. They can make do with more handsome men though. China grew on me, and I can’t wait to find out what Beijing gotta offer though I am not going to Beijing anytime soon.

How can I be a people person and such an anti-social person who is afraid of crowd and shy around people at the same time? I contradict myself all the time, but the self-questioning was an all time high this time round, and then on came the iPhone music player, and I wish I was invisible so I could be left alone to deal with all these emotions.

I think I only remember how to be a clown, and forgot how to be myself when I get nervous around crowds.. then again, we put on personas to project the strength we lack, especially when we are working. Then when the real persona slips out, it takes others by surprise and set them panic.

I came home to things I don’t want to deal with. Well, a phone call that came in when I was in Shanghai already prepped me for it, but still, when the humid air greeted me in Singapore, I was glad to see Minibean (and seeing my twitter and facebook load.. though there’s weibo but then no data plan!) but there was so much dread in me that I was wondering when was the next flight I could afford to fly myself out to somewhere.

Anywhere.

It seems like an era had passed when I finally reached home in all the delirium. This is how it feels like when adrenalin wears off, and you can’t find yourself speaking. I don’t feel like speaking, I don’t feel like talking, but just wanna channel all thoughts via social media (can you imagine how tortured I was in Shanghai?!).

I wanted to write a 2-liner, but I end up writing about nothing for very long.

I came home to realise I don’t quite have a home.

I miss the familiarity, but a relative has moved in, and I can’t walk ar0und in the nude when there is no one anymore. Hurhur.

Then, I saw the mess which I had no energy to clean up, and went into my long list of to-dos. Which includes sorting the luggage, which I always do when I touch down, but then a good sleep with my baby pillow triumphed all.

Boss then said longer hours are waiting ahead.

I wanted to walk out of the door with my luggage.. and just flee like I always do. But, I have nowhere to go.

I am not called an escapist for nothing.

I woke up at 7am, my call time for the past week, when I have allowance of couple of hours more sleep and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I have another long day of operations, story telling, and catching up. Then I have commitment I would rather not go so I can catch up with work, and also because I have no more energy within me to keep up with all the play-acting.

I think I have put on this persona for so long that when I quieten down, I may actually come across as rude.

Totally random. I realise my fear for flying is highlighted and magnified when I don’t get to see what’s happening outside the window.

My uneasiness was evident enough for the gorgeous air stewardess to ask me if I was okay when I stepped off the plane cos she noticed how uneasy I felt when taking off and landing.

I am THAT uncool.

Okie. My guide in Shanghai just told me that a student left a Blackberry behind in Shanghai… they all huh! That’s why we do earlier check-outs and what room checks are for, but they were the ones who woke up late and thus the room check was done only after we left.. thankfully, we could probably send it back with the male teacher who had deviated his flight.

Thankfully the hotel quite honest, very awesome right?

Anyway, I am not sure why I am even writing so much redundant stuff. First day return and the calls are coming in already, thankfully I am awake.

And here’s to my longer hours already.

*BIG SAD GRUMPY FACE*

Now if you would excuse me, I need to go lose that chinese accent I had brought back with me.

Posted in Making Sense of Life, The vast out there | No Comments »
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