I have no idea what went wrong with my site and I obviously hate to think that almost 9 months of history went mysteriously missing and might not come back.

And it could be the most changing 9 months I had went through.

I don’t know what to write about, obviously, but it is a rough patch at this moment with me taking absolute decisions, one after another.

Yes, I am not one who takes one step by one step, but take one drastic step after another.

The strange thing is, I am beginning to “feel” again.

Which is bad, cos it just means several bad cases of stupidity.

Can’t find it within me to write, yet.

But I feel a part of me is broken again.

I just something to fit into an equation. “x”. Random. Unknown. A placeholder.

Why do we care the most at the moments when we shouldn’t?

Where is the damn walls when I need them to block out the pain?

Poof, is what they would say.

It was just with the ladies in the office when the topic is posed to all the single ladies (cough, which means… EVERYONE!) in the office.

“Do you believe in love?”

The cynics scoffed, and then there were the those with bright-eyes.

I believed.

I think it does exist as I see the rare sparks in those couples I know. But… to me? Nah. Not possible.

I am not the kind who will be loved the way I want I guess. Selfish as it may sound, there seems to be nothing that can convince me that I am capable of loving again…

… or feel loved. Or rather, believe that I am actually lovable.

I took years before admitting to the mushy 4-lettered words that are often abused and dispensed too frivolously, and people who use them probably are none the wiser using them.

The only time it came really natural for me was when I tell it to Minibean.

Maybe it is over-rated, like my colleague Rosy said.

Maybe too often it is masked as a lie and along the way, brought too much pain.

Maybe it is always the case that what you once have, and believed in is lost, that realisation brings forth much more pain and moroseness than you ever thought possible.

So… do you believe in love?

Maybe I should, since that disappointment performance from Manchester United hurts like hell, but I am still hanging on.

Okay something more light-hearted.. I am reaching the half way mark for my corporate wear challenge and I am still in the running to complete my challenge. Am I awesome or awesome.

Tuesday was a nice, long day.

I went to a farm.

I went for a meeting.

I went for lunch.

I did a lot of work.

I went to the airport.

I had supper with colleagues.

I met friends.

I was told by a taxi-driver that I looked too young to be working (HAHAHA BLIND HUH!), though he went on to freak me out.

The relatively mundane things but it is always the tiny details and often-overlooked things that you learn the most, or get the most out of. And the tiny challenges you overcame in the midst of it when you realise you are doing something different… and getting out of your comfort zone.

And then… you wonder if this is just a fleeting moment of joy.. until it fades away, just like everything elses does.

For all the not-so-nice things, I decided I will end the day with a positive note, just to remind myself that I will always look for the one thing that will keep me going.

So here goes. Ahem.

I was dead tired by the end of the day and it took a stranger to offer a dose of perk-me-up.

It’s a little self-absorb but I was carded again, today.

Normally, I would be all gigglish and fish my ID out, but I was just in too much of a grumpy mood that I just sulked and dug deep for my ID.

Gosh. That didn’t perk me up, I wonder what could.

I passed my ID lazily over, and he gave a dramatic blink and a rude shock registered on his face with immaculate comedic timing.

I let out a chuckle at how adorable his reaction was, before I nod knowingly, “Yes, I am THAT old.”

“Uhm.. sorry, if I didn’t see your ID I really wouldn’t know.” (WHY REALLY THAT OLD HUH?!)

“Thank you,” I gave a weak smile, before registering that this was probably the only thing that brought a smile to my face for the whole of today, and I dragged my sorry ass back to the office.

I had a nice quiet time to myself in the office till late today, and I am actually thinking solitude suits me perfectly.

I headed down to have a romantic supper with the brilliant company of Scarlett and Ting, before getting my adrenalin pumped by one of the craziest cab drivers I ever encountered, while fearing for my life throughout the entire journey.

Pardon me as I need to go hide somewhere now, and hopefully I will finally get some things going tomorrow.

Maybe a much needed weekly break is what I need right now.

Do something different, by myself.

What an Easter weekend. I have no idea when did it all begin that I fear for the holidays, especially one that would put the prompt replies from my suppliers at jeopardy, and I actually look forward to weekdays when I can get things going again.

But that’s fast becoming unhealthy.

Nonetheless, a weekend which saw me working all those muscles at pole again, which caused an severe pull to the back, and even my fingers are getting stiff from the aches, is one good one.

A trip to IKEA.

Serious case of food binging. Hormones alert…..

3 laundry cycles.

House chores.

A mahjong session.

Live band session.

Repaying the sleep debt that has birthed a stubborn zit.

And holding on to what I believed in.

Hell yeah bitches, all thanks to the brilliant Arsenal who showed plenty of fight, Manchester City is now trailing behind the title race.

My sweaty armpit told a very vivid story as I held myself together till the final whistle was blown.

We are getting there.

Which reminded me of a conversation I had with a Spurs fan when I was in London. He asked if I still believe that Manchester United was still going to clinch the title after falling behind with plenty of catch up to do.

I said affirmatively, and faithfully (throw in obscene amount of conviction too, please), that I have no doubt that is going to happen.

I believe his reply was one of an unbelievable scoff, “Really?”

Yes, faith, I replied with a wry smile.

Oh gosh, the amount of stress I going to put my poor heart and soul through till May…

***

I survived the first week to my challenge.

With 2 torn pencil skirts. 50% record.

And I guess why everyone thought I couldn’t hold out for a month. Cos seriously, by then I might tear every, single piece of skirt I own (many of which hands-me-down, no less).

***

It is no secret how I tirelessly seek truths, and have this unrealistic, insatiable curiosity that annoys the living daylight out of people around me, particularly those who are closest to me.

In my irrational quest to make sense of life, oh yes, especially the pretty redundant 31-years worth of mine, I try to make sense of what the “norm” is, and perhaps could find a mold or something I could conform myself to.

Or maybe, people around me puzzle me too much. Maybe they do things that offer no logic. Okay, maybe I do draw friends who are often, a little out of the ordinary, which makes them THAT special hurhur.

Recently I have been rather reflective (read: mindfucking myself no end), which says a lot cos I am usually one who thinks too much, so when I think more… hurhur, it’s pretty much subjecting myself to the sheer torture of chasing after my own tail.

I was told I quantify too much. I was told I have a word for everything. I was told I try to carve a definition to everything to find meaning to things I can’t comprehend. I was told I am too harsh a critic towards myself that what anyone else says is deemed inconsequential, cos I can’t believe anyone anyway.

And, not everyone is like me to realise that what is important to me, cos they might not even know of its existence in the first place.

In times like this, aren’t you glad you have friends who will dish out cold, hard truths that you would rather hear?

When I cannot figure things out, my instinct tells me to.. well… sprint the hell outta here. Yes, the coward in me either slips into avoidance, or just plays the cold, hard bitch with the impenetrable fortress of frost.

To the point that when the real me slips out, it scares the shit out of the people around me, cos they wonder where did that part of me go, and it takes time for them to get used to it again.

I questioned myself if I am too ambition-less, lacking too much of a drive, or to put it bluntly the way only my mum could put it best, I’m quite utterly a good-for-nothing.

The answer I received was one that was a double-edged sword. There’s a difference between that and being contended. Contended? Ha. Really?

Materially-wise that is.

I can do without my skincare if not I was sponsored/gifted/succumbed to sheer laziness.

My compact camera has died on me for a while and I feel no real need to do anything about it.

I am curbing any shopping urges these days.

I feel that what Minibean has is much more than a lot of other kids could be blessed with, and I am thankful that she is so spoilt (sometimes, I feel it is a tad too much, and worry that she might get too comfortable!) and has so much favours and blessings in her life.

Maybe this has condemned me to a comfort zone of not wanting to venture anything further, or maybe I am just morbidly afraid to have any kind of responsibility that I will potentially screw up.

I have a destructive streak in me, if you haven’t already noticed. Paint it black. In desperate need to reach for that black crayon of mine.

Better for me to ruin it intentionally, before realising it is ruined because of me.

Alas, yet, I am not that easily contended, emotionally-wise speaking, and it posed the question of how it is something only I myself can work out, because not everyone can have that kind of emotional capacity like I do.

Maybe all these hormones in me is putting me in a position of great dissatisfaction, knowing that I could possibly never quite find what I am searching for.

***

I remember reading One Day when I was in Prague. I remember coming back and felt a great sense of loss when I got to the end of the book.

I think I even said how much I disliked it on this space.

I watched the movie and reminded myself of how much I disliked stories like these.

But I realise maybe life isn’t about fairytales and there is no happily-ever-afters, which my life reflects awesomely well.

Yet, I am still in denial. That they do exist, just not for me, cos maybe no one really thinks I deserve it.

***

***

I remember a talk with someone recently in the wake of recent events, and I was told that he once had a conversation a year ago, about what you never have, you never lose.

What if something you have, right now, is so minute that you are afraid that it would one day snowball to a greater scale that you can’t bear, nor have the freedom to let go?

That was what was on my mind when I took the plunge almost 7 years ago, and it holds true today, which probably is more apt for the latter scenario, than the former.

It sets me thinking.

The story that was shared went on to how the guy could never be there for the other party, he said. She chose to walk. She knew how during the moments of need, he wouldn’t be the one there for her.

And then I thought to myself how uncanny this was to the waiting game I used to put myself through some… so many years ago. I laughed.

But then it also made me think how sometimes it needn’t be a person you need to be by your side.

What if. Just what if. The person could never be there when you need him/her the most, even if he/she could be physically right by your side, if he/she doesn’t have that emotional capacity, how could he/she ever be there for you emotionally?

What if the em0tional connection has fizzled out? What if what I can give is no longer what I used to give. What if what I have is no longer what I want? What if I am given is not what I need. What if what I want is never there?

It is almost like, I am never here, either. Cos I can’t be here.

Because all I want, is a strong fortress, all walled up, with only I, myself residing in it.

And the only one who holds the key, is Minibean.

Cos seriously, the emo-monster in me, is better left hungry.

When the emotional gratification is lost in translation, you don’t know what will bring it back.

I even had my feet hanging off the chair in true-blue ah lian style to match, but I think it worked awesome for me cos I also had to play the role of Minibean’s mummy when she dropped by to visit her crush which is another story altogether terrorise my co-workers.

But yes, glamour and me don’t exist much in the same sentence… or at least since I passed the big three-nil.

Which explains hardly any pictures are posted on this space for a loooooooooooonnnnnnnnngggg time.

I wore contact lens the other day, and instead of the older days of “Eh, I didn’t know you wear glasses one…“, my colleague exclaimed, “EH YOU DIDN’T WEAR YOUR GLASSES TODAY AH?!”

Sigh. Changing times.

An aunt decided to buy some corporate wear for me after seeing how casual I am at work (yes, I hearrrr you!), and it was passed to me last evening, which prompted the spontaneity in me to put it on for work today.

And despite of the storm, I reached the office at an hour few ever seen me at.

All dressed up, no less. IN HEEEEEEEEEELS!

Which prompted some to ask for 4 lucky numbers for a shot at jack-pot.

I stuck to the entire ensemble despite bringing my slippers for safety measure, and I didn’t run across the road to buy myself a new outfit just because I was dying from asphyxiation from the pencil skirt.

Though the funniest thing was I was too un-demure for the skirt that it started tearing up and there was 2 holes in the seams by the end of the day.

I sew one up at work because my panty was peeking out, and it was just too hilarious to leave it there for the world to mock at me.

I proudly declare I am an awesome partner/mum/girlfriend/wife/maid to have cos I can sew too, albeit a tad… badly.

I don’t know why everyone was so shock… cos it felt like one of those days when I was in the rat race.. but then I remembered that I have since lost that part of me, and forgotten how to carry the corporate look off.

Even the kopi boys from the kopitiam were like…. “Uh, what’s wrong with you today?!”

And then they reminded how I always looked “more relaxed” on usual days.

Ahem.

The duck-rice auntie made conversation with me for the first time.

Most surprisingly of all… I DIDN’T TRIP AND FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!

Which then prompted a challenge……………..

……. IF I CAN CARRY OFF THIS LOOK FOR A MONTH… I have a not-so-surprise surprise in store for me.

So… CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

But uh, I don’t have that much corporate wear to last me that long.

I wonder which is gonna give way first. The skirts’ seams or the unfortunate, poor feet of mine.

And now, let’s see how long I can last before I throw in the towel.

Pardon me as I excuse myself to go dig deep in the closet to see if I still have any other suffocating corporate wear for me to start my challenge tomorrow.

What have I gotten myself into, really.

The frequency to my needs to go on a spontaneous hiatus is rather indicative, I believe.

Sometimes, you don’t even need to be in somewhere fancy, for all you need is just a bubbled-up world where only you reside, or sometimes, if you are lucky, in a company of a friend who is willing to try to understand.

I went away for a couple of days over the work week as I felt pretty burnt out. I am not sure if it was the wisest thing to do during this period, and the last thing I wanted to be was imposing my presence on someone else.

I still question myself what prompted the drastic step I took. Then again, I don’t usually need much reasons to want to get away from my reality.

It was a short 2 days where I didn’t want to be disturbed, where I didn’t need to make any decisions, where I can just not think about anything.

So I hid away on Tuesday night and surfaced again only on Friday.

Then again, maybe just that the only things I needed to think about are a lil too complicated for my own good.

Like, remembering how to be myself.

Like, how do I coax the words out of myself again so I could still hold on to some of the thoughts on this space, instead of letting them dissolving into the winds, taking the memories away whilst doing so.

***

I miss this space and the unbridled monologue I used to be able to indulge myself with in the past.

The bare, unadulterated honesty I shared with it.

Maybe walling a part of myself up has inevitably imprisoned that part of me as well.

***

Everyone seems to ask if I know what I want.

In the same breath, they seem to be equally clueless.

No, it isn’t a defensive dig at people who asked me what is it that I really want, but it is just pretty amusing to see how all of us are just trying to know other people’s problems just so we could forget our own.

Do I know what I want, I probably have an idea, but sometimes I am just allowing the flow to bring me along because does anyone really care about what I want? Cos what I want is what I am not allowed to have anyway.

Or maybe, I am stripped of any rights/moolah/confidence to have.

I am finding increasing comfort in self-imposed solidarity, because it seems like the world out there is somewhat too complicated for my liking.

Funny I would say that cos I was told I ain’t that simple a person either. I felt a sense of despondence washing over me when it was mentioned.. almost laced with a tinge of guilt, as if it was a curse I couldn’t shake myself off from.

A part of me knows that isn’t too far from the truth, that however much I need and crave for that simplicity, my *ahem* intelligence would be the downfall because I probably see and feel more than I should to keep that simplicity, well, simple.

And then the over-thinking takes over, and the burden of knowing too much will come into the perfect, decorated, secure land of simplicity, and take away all the innocence of it all.

It is almost incomprehensible that how I can still have that ditzy, klutzy side to help balance all these… and maybe I am thankful for that side of me, which proves vital to let the gullible instinct takes over so that I can enjoy pretty much a make-belief fluffy, believe-in-general-human-goodness world.

I am still a firm believer of fairytales, just not happening to me.

I am still a firm believer of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I am still a firm believer of the goodness of people, however malicious they are to others.

I am still a firm believer of… the simpler things. Maybe no one is in the game, and there isn’t a need to bring on the constant doubting and truth-hiding.

Maybe I am just overwhelmed. The rational part could dissect every, single element coolly, but then when I seek solace in my private space, there is only so little I can make sense and digest.

In times like this, I choose to look the other side.

***

Another important revelation as I am onto Chapter 31.

I have officially gotten over my alcohol allergy which has bugged me since 4 years ago.

Having said that, the alcohol tolerance level is still not seeing much improvement.

Still a total embarrassment there.

***

I finally have a weekend to myself which I can rest, write, nap, catch up on the house chores, and replenish the energy which was sapped up much too quickly these days.

And I am just barely a couple of weeks into 31-hood.

BUT! I got carded on Friday!

Tiny thrills like these truly make my day I tell ya!

Uncle said I look very young so he has to check. I didn’t bring my ID, so I showed him a picture of my IC I took with my iPhone, and he widened his eyes and exclaimed, “BUT YOU LOOK SO YOUNG!“.

Happy like don’t know what I tell you.

***

I certainly didn’t expect what returning to office would bring after my hiatus.

I guess it certainly means I have plenty of reflections to do after it brought forth some sort of revelation.

I am pretty drained, to be honest.

***

It was a good Saturday, when I woke up to a new day in an absolute daze. You know how your brain is on a strike after exhausting itself crazy the day before.

And a surprise that nearly reduced me to tears awaited me.

The triple Js treated me to a much needed pampering session as a belated birthday surprise.

I nearly had a head of scarlet, but it didn’t turn out that way, but at least the greys are now gone, after the whole world had pretty much commented how much I was aging with my greys sticking out.

I didn’t quite want to know what my hair would turn out, even though it was nothing drastic… still, a change was much needed.

Maybe a much drastic change is due.

But it came timely.

And I walked out of the salon just absolutely thankful that I have them in my life because I probably would be too broke stingy to do that for myself haha.

Thank you Janet. Thank you Jo. Thank you Jean.

Yes, I can get mushy like that, tsk!

***

I spent the rest of my Saturday catching up on my couch-potato-ing.

I can’t remember the last time I have watched that much television, and making every dollar that went to my cable services work for me.

I have fallen behind with all the series I leeched off the internet, and I felt a need to dip my legs into the duvet to recall the feel of my duvet on my bare skin.

Suddenly I feel like getting new beddings for the home, just to get that hotel-like softness, but I recall how it would be setting myself up for the ultimate temptation I cannot resist and as it is, I already have problems getting out of bed already.

***

Today is just a day for laziness to claim me in entirety.

After getting myself re-acquainted with the housekeeping and clearing the coat of dust that has gathered.

I embraced the afternoon storm with a nap, and I suddenly thought of how it was like a year ago when this was all that I had to cope with and how the balance is now tipped when I am spending more time at work than at motherhood.

Nonetheless, finding an ounce of self-worthiness through what I enjoy doing has been fulfilling, though a part of me wonder how could I find an ideal balance to it all.

Anyway, I am supposed to just not think before the new work week beckons.

So back to Targeting Bin Laden on History Channel, I go.

Till the next time, I find the courage within me to escape, again.

I am desperate for words. They feel like strangers again.

In a rare moment of weakness, I find myself seeking solace on this space of mine, albeit a tad reluctantly.

All because, in my attempt to ride on the momentum, I have pretty much tried to live my hermitage through work and it successfully gagged what I would have liked to say on this space, but probably shouldn’t.

Here I am, because someone suggested that I probably should take time for myself… and update this space of mine.

In a rare moment of weakness, I am conceding that I probably can’t hold it together as well as I thought I had been doing all these while.

All because tonight’s sobering silence and solitude brought on so much peace that I wish no one will intrude it for a long, long time.

Here I am, finally having the space to be myself. By myself. I remember how bliss feels like all over again. Being solo certainly agrees with me.

In a rare moment of weakness, I succumbed to the absolute sin of it all. Letting my guard down.

All because the false sense of security far away from the stifling reality was intoxicating… that I was led down the forgotten path of finding myself. The self I so wanted to retrieve, yet frightened to death when I detected it sneaking up on me when I least expected it.

Here I am, kicking myself for putting myself through the horrible, horrible works of feeling vulnerable again. Fret not, the clockwork is in motion, painstakingly constructing that fortress within. It will only be higher, and stronger this time.

In a rare moment of weakness, I let the emotions took over today. At work, no less.

All because the wall-building is sapping up all I have within.

Here I am, mocking at myself because we all know that the person who needs real manning up, is myself and no one else.

In a rare moment of weakness, I actually felt the undeniable pain of… sheer, unadulterated hurt… and guilt.

All because, I allowed myself to feel again. The flood of emotions. The memories. The friends. The disappointment. The loneliness. The harsh and angry words I said in those moments. They came back to haunt.

Here I am, questioning myself, if I could ever be that selfish and yet allowing myself to get away scot-free.

In a rare moment of weakness, I wanted to just… disappear.

All because.

Perhaps these moments aren’t as rare as I believe them to be. Perhaps I pretend to buy all the acts around me because I can somehow understand such pretense and find excuses for such hypocrisy, and if people around me don’t expect me to see through these, I try to live up to the expectations.

But yet, here I am.

Cos I know, in a rare moment of victory, I am back in control.

Or the boss would have called it, skiving.

Apparently, I don’t put myself down not without a reason. Yet sometimes when I try to verbalise why, no one ever buys it (it is not affirmation I am seeking, but it’s a benchmark I know perhaps a part of me SHOULD be able to attain, or had attained, and yet.. okay nevermind), not that some dodgy personality profiling no one believes in is gonna give myself some valid excuse to do so.

Think I mentioned before how much of an INFP I am and it hasn’t changed despite me having a conscious tendency to sway myself from it.

Unfortunately a weirdo is a weirdo is a weirdo through and through.

So anyway.

INFPs, anyone? Shouting out to the supposed less than 1%.

I have just a couple of friends who are INFPs and they scare me like I scare them, laughs.

But the profile, might not be accurate anyway. Cos I just wanna smack the person I am reading about in the back of the head.

The Idealist

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP’s value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same – the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don’t really care whether or not they’re right. They don’t want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people’s conflicts, because they intuitively understand people’s perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they’re interested in, it usually becomes a “cause” for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their “cause”.

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don’t understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it’s not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don’t give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members’ of the group. In group situations, they may have a “control” problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they’re feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they’re working towards the public good, and in which they don’t need to use hard logic.

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.

Careers for INFP Personality Types

Whether you’re a young adult trying to find your place in the world, or a not-so-young adult trying to find out if you’re moving along the right path, it’s important to understand yourself and the personality traits which will impact your likeliness to succeed or fail at various careers. It’s equally important to understand what is really important to you. When armed with an understanding of your strengths and weaknesses, and an awareness of what you truly value, you are in an excellent position to pick a career which you will find rewarding.

INFPs generally have the following traits:

* Strong value systems
* Warmly interested in people
* Service-oriented, usually putting the needs of others above their own
* Loyal and devoted to people and causes
* Future-oriented
* Growth-oriented; always want to be growing in a positive direction
* Creative and inspirational
* Flexible and laid-back, unless a ruling principle is violated
* Sensitive and complex
* Dislike dealing with details and routine work
* Original and individualistic – “out of the mainstream”
* Excellent written communication skills
* Prefer to work alone, and may have problems working on teams
* Value deep and authentic relationships
* Want to be seen and appreciated for who they are

The INFP is a special, sensitive individual who needs a career which is more than a job. The INFP needs to feel that everything they do in their lives is in accordance with their strongly-felt value systems, and is moving them and/or others in a positive, growth-oriented direction. They are driven to do something meaningful and purposeful with their lives. The INFP will be happiest in careers which allow them to live their daily lives in accordance with their values, and which work towards the greater good of humanity. It’s worth mentioning that nearly all of the truly great writers in the world have been INFPs.

The following list of professions is built on our impressions of careers which would be especially suitable for an INFP. It is meant to be a starting place, rather than an exhaustive list. There are no guarantees that any or all of the careers listed here would be appropriate for you, or that your best career match is among those listed.

Possible Career Paths for the INFP:

* Writers
* Counselors / Social Workers
* Teachers / Professors
* Psychologists
* Psychiatrists
* Musicians
* Clergy / Religious Workers

(I just wanna say, I cannot imagine myself to be religious worker…. ahem, but everything else struck as… well, my childhood ambitions which I am nowhere near now, obviously. Then again…)

INFP Relationships

INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they’re very sensitive and in-tune with people’s feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed. With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships, and hold those who understand and accept the INFP’s perspectives in especially high regard. INFPs are usually adaptable and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation.

INFP Strengths

Most INFPs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

* Warmly concerned and caring towards others
* Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
* Loyal and committed – they want lifelong relationships
* Deep capacity for love and caring
* Driven to meet other’s needs
* Strive for “win-win” situations
* Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
* Likely to recognize and appreciate other’s need for space
* Able to express themselves well
* Flexible and diverse

INFP Weaknesses

Most INFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:

* May tend to be shy and reserved
* Don’t like to have their “space” invaded
* Extreme dislike of conflict
* Extreme dislike of criticism
* Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
* May react very emotionally to stressful situations
* Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
* Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
* Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
* Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
* Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders

INFPs as Lovers

INFPs feels tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships. With the Feeling preference dominating their personality, harmony and warm feelings are central to the INFP’s being. They feel a need to be in a committed, loving relationship. If they are not involved in such a relationship, the INFP will be either actively searching for one, or creating one in their own minds.

INFPs tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a “more perfect” relationship or situation. They may also romanticize their mates into having qualities which they do not actually possess. Most INFPs have a problem with reconciling their highly idealistic and romantic views of life with the reality of their own lives, and so they are constantly somewhat unsettled with themselves and with their close personal relationships. However, the INFP’s deeply-felt, sincere love for their mates and their intense dislike of conflict keeps the INFP loyal to their relationships, in spite of their troubles achieving peace of mind.

Unlike other types who tend to hold their mates up on a pedastal, the INFP’s tendency to do so does not really turn into a negative thing in the relationship. INFPs hold tightly to their ideals, and work hard at constantly seeing their mates up on that pedastal. The frequent INFP result is a strongly affirming, proud and affectionate attitude towards their mates which stands the test of time.

INFPs are not naturally interested in administrative matters such as bill-paying and house-cleaning, but they can be very good at performing these tasks when they must. They can be really good money managers when they apply themselves.

Sexually, the INFP is likely to be initially slow to open up to their mates. Once their trust has been earned, the INFP will view sexual intimacy as an opportunity for expressing their deep-seated love and affection. More than the actual sexual act, they will value giving and receiving love and sweet words. With their tendency to enjoy serving others, they may value their mates satisfaction above their own.

One real problem area for the INFP is their intensive dislike of conflict and criticism. The INFP is quick to find a personal angle in any critical comment, whether or not anything personal was intended. They will tend to take any sort of criticism as a personal attack on their character, and will usually become irrational and emotional in such situations. This can be a real problem for INFPs who are involved with persons who have Thinking and Judging preferences. “TJ”s relate to others with a objective, decisive attitude that frequently shows an opinion on the topic of conversation. If the opinion is negative, the TJ’s attitude may be threatening to the INFP, who will tend to respond emotionally to the negativity and be vaguely but emphatically convinced that the negativity is somehow the INFP’s fault.

For INFPs with extremely dominant Feeling preferences who have not developed their Intuitive sides sufficiently to gather good data for their decision making processes, their dislike of conflict and criticism can foretell doom and gloom for intimate relationships. These INFPs will react with extreme emotional distress to conflict situations, and will not know what to do about it. Since they will have no basis for determining what action to take, they will do whatever they can to get rid of the conflict – which frequently means lashing out irrationally at others, or using guilt manipulation to get their mates to give them the positive support that they crave. This kind of behavior does not bode well for healthy, long-term relationships. Individuals who recognize this tendency in themselves should work on their ability to take criticism objectively rather than personally. They should also try to remember that conflict situations are not always their fault, and they’re definitely not the end of the world. Conflict is a fact of life, and facing it and addressing it immediately avoids having to deal with it in the future, after it has become a much larger problem.

INFPs are very aware of their own space, and the space of others. They value their personal space, and the freedom to do their own thing. They will cherish the mate who sees the INFP for who they are, and respects their unique style and perspectives. The INFP is not likely to be overly jealous or possessive, and is likely to respect their mate’s privacy and independence. In fact, the INFP is likely to not only respect their mate’s perspectives and goals, but to support them with loyal firmness.

In general, INFPs are warmly affirming and loving partners who make the health of their relationships central in their lives. Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, INFP’s natural partner is the ENFJ, or the ESFJ. INFP’s dominant function of Introverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Feeling. The INFP/ENFJ combination is ideal, because it shares the Sensing way of peceiving, but the INFP/ESFJ combination is also a good match.

INFPs as Parents

INFPs are “natural” parents. They accept and enjoy the parental role, seeing it as the natural extension of their value systems. They make use of the parental role for developing and defining their values further, and consider it their task to pass their values on to their children. They take their role quite seriously. Warm, affirming, and flexible, the INFP generally makes a gentle and easy-going parent in many respects.

INFPs do not like conflict situations, and will keep themselves flexible and diverse to promote a positive, conflict-free environment in their home. The INFP is not naturally prone to dole out punishment or discipline, and so is likely to adapt to their mate’s disciplinary policy, or to rely on their mates to administer discipline with the children. In the absence of a mating parent, the INFP will need to make a conscious effort of creating a structure for their children to live within.

Although the INFP dislikes punishing others, they hold strong values and will not tolerate the violation of a strongly-held belief. If they feel that their child has truly committed a wrong, the INFP parent will not have a problem administering discipline. They will directly confront the child, stubbornly digging in their heels and demanding recourse.

The INFP parent is likely to value their children as individuals, and to give them room for growth. They will let the children have their own voice and place in the family.

Extremely loving and devoted parents, INFPs will fiercely protect and support their children. If there is an issue involving “taking sides”, you can bet the INFP will always be loyal to their children.

INFPs are usually remembered by their children as loving, patient, devoted, and flexible parents.

INFPs as Friends

INFPs are warm and caring individuals who highly value authenticity and depth in their personal relationships. They are usually quite perceptive about other people’s feelings and motives, and are consequently able to get along with all sorts of different people. However, the INFP will keep their true selves reserved from others except for a select few, with whom they will form close and lasting friendships. With their high ideals, they are likely to be drawn to other iNtuitive Feelers for their closer friendships.

With their strong need for harmony and dislike of conflict, INFPs may feel threatened by people with strong Judging and Thinking preferences. Although they’re likely to be able to work well professionally with such individuals, they may have difficulty accepting or appreciating them on a personal level. They generally feel a kinship and affinity with other Feeling types.

INFPs will be valued by their confidantes as genuine, altruistic, deep, caring, original individuals.

]]> http://www.scarletscandals.com/2012/03/profile-of-an-unlikely-idealist/feed/ 0 http://www.scarletscandals.com/2012/03/chapter-31-foreword/ http://www.scarletscandals.com/2012/03/chapter-31-foreword/#comments Mon, 12 Mar 2012 06:53:01 +0000 admin http://www.scarletscandals.com/?p=4813 The conclusion to the big 3-0 didn’t receive much fanfare, probably due to the lull phase I subjected myself to in the recent weeks.

3 weeks of non-stop past-midnight work, where I fed my Saturdays and Sundays too, have finally taken its toll on me, I supposed.

If I thought being 30 would mean my life would swish past in a supersonic rate, I certainly didn’t expect what turning 31 would bring.

Today is my first day back in Singapore after spending the start of my 31-hood away, leaving for Ho Chi Minh city on the very day I dragged my feet into yet another horrifying stage of ageing.

I was glad to find the words that had eluded me at the end of last year, and the start of this year, but these days, the words just slip by and I find it hard to grasp onto them.

Maybe, there are things I simply don’t want to remember, maybe I have lost myself in the massive whirlpool of words that couldn’t find their place, and I just look for that make-belief safe places and hide myself behind them so I don’t have to get out to handle things I have no ability of coping with.

I have felt increasing alone… fine, lonely and vulnerable these days, and honestly, I hate feeling vulnerable.

All the need to keep what I see to myself and trying to hold it together whilst not breaking apart cos of the need to be the “strong one”, be it be a sadistic training I put myself through, or due to expectations of others.. well, maybe I am quite burnt out.

Ho Chi Minh city was a great, great trip, not a fan of the sun, but it was a trip like no others. I had a great bunch of spontaneous kiddos who offered no tantrums, and I felt an urge to cry when I saw all of them putting their hearts into every element of the trip, especially when they were at the orphanage where I could see how passionately sincere they were when they were playing with the kids.

I am now onto Chapter 31 of my life.

But certainly not at all wiser.

]]> http://www.scarletscandals.com/2012/03/chapter-31-foreword/feed/ 0