Falling Slowly

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ve made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along

I used to think what are some of the things I will really, really wanna do before my skin sags to the floor, and set out to strike them off the list. The list of things-to-do is not exactly lean, and thankfully, I am not too greedy and those that I don’t feel as strongly for, there is no urge in me to fulfil it.

Say, example, Japan. I don’t mind not visiting Japan, ever in my life. Someday maybe, but just not yet to be on the list.

Thankfully, being pushed out of my comfort zone, meant I have struck off some of those things from the list from the past couple of years… and I take some form of comfort from there.

I was wondering what I could possible do more.

And then I decided to explore the list of “Things I would never have the balls to do” and things “I will never consider or imagine myself doing”.

To complete the wants in my life is good, but it is overcoming the reluctance in my life that is going to be challenging, and brings on even more gratification, methinks.

And when I say “reluctance” it is more about like overcoming my vertigo, maybe someday take on my fear for public speaking and do a play or something…

… Just don’t expect me to don Chelsea or Liverpool gear and try out a relationship with the clubs. I am not cheap in that way.

The past week had been a clash of timing for me to really get into the swing of giving this space of mine a little CPR.

Even though I had plans to do so today, a terrible bout of cramp and migraine had imprisoned me in my bed, curled up like a shrimp, and hardly able to sit up.

I switched 1001 positions just to get a little bit more comfortable, but all I gotten out of them, were endless weird dreams after another.

But honestly, I wouldn’t say it was all bad, because, honestly, this was perhaps one of those dreams that.. played with my senses to the extent that, hey, I really wouldn’t mind existing in that world and make it my real world, however warped that sounds.

I think the human senses are mightily amazing. And the mind, is nothing short of devastatingly powerful.

I have come to the end of my hormones-tormented phase today, though it had eased off the emotional part, it didn’t ease on the physical part.

As I rolled around in bed and dozing off, I slipped into quite an amazing dream. Quite exhausting, I might add.

Much of the bits and pieces of it are pretty hazy, but I remember waking up from it because it was getting too much for me, yet when I slipped back to unconsciousness, the dream seemed to take a life of its own, and ended up continuing itself.

I think I was one of ‘em vampires in the Twilight-inspired dream. Albeit a localized version one.

I remember some usual faces of people around my life, and we were in track pants and all, hanging out.

In buildings that are perhaps those you find in US, or just unfortunately, in my imagination. Lotsa concrete building, and a sports hall.

And I remember “discovering” my gift for my speed, agility, and ability to look up a tall building, my speed would be enough to bring me up there, not unlike flying.

So yes, it was like Twilight plus Heroes, plus a tinge of Superman.

Some one was staring at me, and as I was worried about my cover being blown (it is a dangerous world out there you know?), I was apprehensive of trying.

Yet, the someone came over and taught me how to, before I realised, he too, was “one of us“, and from the look of his, it is truly a lonely world out there.

And then I managed to “fly” up the building as I tried hard to focus.

Okay, here comes the amazing part of the dream.

In the dream, I remember wondering what if I failed, but I did take off, and I was assured that nothing will happen except plenty of embarrassment, since I can’t possibly, uhm, die (in the dream, that is).

So I tried looking up the building.

And I remember that feeling very well.

You know how when you take roller coaster rides and how gravity-defying it felt?

I felt that vividly in my dream. I could feel the quickened breath, the drop of the heart (okay, fine, I know vampires heart don’t work anymore, but duh), and the wind in my hair, and that split second, I was up on the building despite my fear of heights.

I then realised I need to train to get used to my new skills and to control it.

And then from then, I started hanging out with my “group”.

I remember there was this another instance, though I was in the dream, I got hungry. And I was lamenting how sad it was cos the food I usually take no longer appeal to me.

AND THEN! Even though it was in the dream, I suddenly smelled something irresistible, and made me incredibly hungry.

Then a group of men walked by.

I held my breath, then I tried to take a strong breath in just to decipher what was that delicious, sweet smile was. I was trying to make sense of new things that appealed to my senses, and those that no longer trigger my senses.

I didn’t do anything to them cos the thought repulsed me, though some of the others of my kind ran away cos the temptation was too great.

Then there was this part some guys were trying to find trouble with us, and fight us. And having someone with bad temper in the group, we had to do all we can to control him so he does not do a “Jasper” ala New Moon.

Think one of the guy accidentally touched me, and he had a rude shock when I didn’t feel like human, and I just turned around to shoot him a stern stare before walking away.

There are many other bits I don’t remember but I remember trying to hide away from someone hostile, and I ended up doing the running onto top of the building thing again.

But cos I was so fast, no one quite saw me, and again, I felt the flying feeling in my dream.

I think my obsession with Twilight vampires had reached a whole new level, but it was the most fun dream I ever had, though I probably was annoyed with feeling the suppression of appetite throughout my dream.

And I woke up at least 5 times in between, but it just went on and on and on.

It was those dreams that felt incredibly real, and you feel as though you had really lived it.

***

And yes, it was just a dream.

***

I think the groove is back, and so be ready for the tirade of posts to come.

And the new things that will kick start a very exciting year, I believe.

And with the new opportunities knocking, I am apprehensive, but looking forward.

Life is about experiencing, and year 2010, will be one about experiences

As Andrew Lloyd Webber said, “There’s unfinished business.”

Even though it is emphasized as a standalone piece, the mass still can’t help but see it as a sequel, one that would mend the heartbreak of many when Christine didn’t end up with the Phantom.

And now, there is a reason for me to return again next year March, just to catch Love Never Dies in London, with the lustable Ramin Karimloo in action.

And tickets are already on sale. Gasp!

I watched the media launch video and my hair still stood with all the adrenaline rushing.

BREATHE, TING, BREATHE!

I am impossibly excited, for there is a good enough reason for me to plan for another trip that couldn’t quite take place this year. Really damn thrilled to read about it, like there is a chance of continuing that tale that has left a moroseness with its bittersweetness.

With that dreaminess, I certainly am hoping it will live up to the expectations, and not just banking on its predecessor’s success just to drive sales. And am looking forward to see if the new pieces are gonna be as moving as those we came to familiarise.

And I made a promise to myself, that, hopefully by then, things would be taking flight, and Claris will get her diamond spa, and we will meet to shop anywhere in the world.

And that reminded of the plan we sat through nights to talk about, and how it could finally, possibly, take place.

Impeccable timing.

I went to the pantry to grab a drink after talking with partners for a good half day, and stared out into the distant, out of the window.

Wait a minute, what distant?

I couldn’t decide if it was raining… or.. oh, ahh.. it was just, misty.

Ya, ya, I know it is HAZY, not misty, but hey, don’t argue with the romantic in the very hormonal lady, thank you very much.

Then, yearning for something smooth and soothing, I youtube-d for this, and while I breathed in the chilled, cleaner air in the office, the mist haze actually convince me enough that I am anywhere but here.

What a contrast, where I was standing under the scorching sun, hailing a cab at NUS, and dozing off from the fatigue I couldn’t quite fight, nor overcome anymore.

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD MY SPAAAACCCEEEEEEEEEE.

Wouldn’t it be nice to just leave everything behind and run, walk, stroll, crawl, or whatever at my own varied pace.

I canceled all lessons/sessions/meet ups this week, but still, I didn’t get home till 2ish for past 2 nights.

Was at NUS today and saw a series of Contiki catalogue and it is time to put actions to words.

***

Random: Was reading news about how 20% of teenagers losing their virginity at the grand, old, age of 16 (I said I was chaste and innocent, didn’t I?). Then I shuddered at the thought that the figures might well be increasing in another 13 years’ time.

If I have a son, I might just give him a pat on the back for a job well done (no, seriously, I don’t mean that), but those who have daughters will understand, hor?

***

Last night I was jolted awake and my heart raced when the storm approached out of nowhere, and created a ruckus in the middle of the night.

I remember I whimpered and then thought I was dreaming. I kinda chided myself when the 2nd roar came up to prove I wasn’t dreaming.

I think my defensiveness got mellowed last night when I was sleeping or something, I thought I am even too tired to feel scared, but apparently I was wrong.

I blame it on the hormones making me a scaredy, defenseless, whimpering wimp.

I don’t have much excuses for other times now, do I?

***

Woken up to a plenty of fuss this morning.

The new big-screen LCD TV was fixed up (Yay!) and sofa set (cos it’s free, from my dad’s friend, I shall not complain about how hard and uncomfortable antique chairs are) arrived to replace the almost 15 years-old one.

Suddenly, I can’t wait to achieve what I set out to achieve by the end of the year, so that I can finally get a place of my own.

With only 3-figure in my bank account in early 2008 (yes, I only have ONE account and not those secret savings/spending accounts people have), I know it is almost impossible to get 6-figured savings by this year end.

Still, I can try, right? There’s always roulette or something. Giggles.

Kidding!

With the frivoulous spending this year (trust me, it WAS CRAZY! Considering I don’t think I spend much, I don’t know where all the money go to), it would take some kind of miracle for me to get 1/4, or should God be really gracious and Singapore Pools to be absolutely generous, 1/2 way (I am not greedy!) or 3/4 way there.

I think it is this eagerness to try out everything and get myself out of this predicament that these days I am busy searching, trying, and many of such need mooooolah to sustain.

How to get a house like this?!

And of course… the topic of childcare and schooling for Minibean.

I shall build something.

But build something need moolah also.

Chicken and egg theory all over again.

Ohhhhh wellllll.

I wanna reverse the fact of my 2 left feet

***

Someone and I were chatting about the eerie coincidences… and strangely I just said how I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. Heh.

The world is far too fucking small for comfort.

***

I am feeling a lil dreamy today, and it feels kinda safe, kinda nice

I think this totally deserves a post of its own.

Those who know me well know that I am not a fan of watching animated movies in the theatres for various reasons, one of which is I would buy the DVD to watch with Minibean, or that I think that the television could give a more cosy watching experience as I snuggle under the duvet with her.

But after hearing all the raving reviews, and reading about this touching story couple of months ago, I decided that giving the movie a shot in the cinema was well justified.

Plus, I have a good reason to finally go for my first ever 3D movie experience (minus those from eras before in the science theatres, or theme parks)!

So off I went, for the 3D experience.

Before the movie started, there is a short 3D animation which is not to be missed. Though I am not sure if it comes with the non-3D animation or not.

And at the end of it, I was all teary-eyed, and I want a Carl..

Hereonforth… SPOILERS alert!

- The only gripe I have on wearing the special goggles is that… this is a movie which will move you to tears.. and make you weep and you have to keep adjusting it to dry your eyes.

It was such a sweet, sweet movie.

Of renewed hope, of… so many things.

I was just so devastated when they lost the baby, and when she fell on the hillslope, how he worked all his life to make her happy, and after her death, to fulfil the dreams they shared.

I know it is just animation, but it was just so awfully sweet to see them grow old together, and the way they looked at each other in the eyes…

So full of love, full of adoration.

The way he remembers her preferences. Even to the way the way she would like the ornaments to be placed.

He always remembers his promise to her, as he crosses his heart whenever he promises her.

His gentle soul.

And how he decided to live the remaining of his life to the max, just for… her.

To her, the adventure of her life, was just.. having a loving, fulfilling life, with him by her side. The moments they shared, were bigger than any of the dreams she ever had.

I love the way when he crosses his heart and the look in his eyes, and the smile he flashes.

I love the part when the little boy spoke about the rejection from his father, and then as he fell asleep, he asked Carl, “Cross you heart?”

I love the part when he reread the album they shared, and found what she had left for him.

I love the part whenever he looks at her picture.

I also love when the credits rolled, cos I thought it was so clever as they illustrated the crew with an album of Carl’s adventures from then on.

Of course, the part when the whole cinema was just shocked into silence, as we mourned together with Carl…. as he lost her. And people were busy with drying their eyes.

It just warms you up, and makes you feel again, without defenses.

I love the part when the 2 elderlies fought and I laughed hard.

I love the part when the rare bird reunited with her family.

I rethink what the movie touches me with, and I got all teary.

I love the part of the dog’s loyalty. And the part he became an alpha. Hahaha!

It is one that will make you smile, make you cry, and make you laugh.

And make you treasure whatever you have, and not leave it till it is too late.

Lovely, lovely, show.

As I busied myself and finally found some space to breathe after a disastrous presentation, I found myself reminiscing the good ol’ days when I was a pure 93.3fm junkie when I was a mere child.

Listening to Dasmond‘s smurfie goodnight song at 2am, and trying to record it, or trying to remember the lyrics and singalong to it with friends… I remember the first time I met him in person, I wanted to tell him how I always remember how he used to talk about him being Piscean(don’t ask me why I remember that of all things), and how the song (cutie voice and all) was playing in my mind.

I remember the brief conversation we had post-recording, and he gave a heartfelt, genuine point of view, before adding, “I know this is none of my business.. but if you can..” I felt the sincerity, I did. My nose that time got sour sour but shy shy to say. Hahaha.

I stayed up till almost 6am yesterday, and switched from my usual green-table companion channel (Class 95) to a dose of nostalgia.

All because? I heard Emil Chau’s Gu Zhen Nan Mian, and I suddenly remember an old friend who loved to sing Rang Wo Huan Xi Rang Wo You (NB! Don’t know why cannot read Chinese characters. -sulks-) to me, though his favourite was Bai Du Ren De Ge.

And just a coincidence that it is almost 7 years since he was gone.

I switched on the late night 93.3fm while spending my entire night rushing some work, and gee, what a walk down memory lane.

The familiar songs that made my hair stand and made me warm and fuzzy (I succumbed to switching on the aircon in the hall after spending hours baking in my own sweat).

It triggered the reminder of a once young dream of wanting to be 93.3fm DJ, and how I could read out and share others’ stories on air at night.

I think I must be getting old, the newer songs don’t appeal me that much anymore, though I heard this song twice, that managed to capture my attention.

It makes me feel like I am galloping on a vast grassland with my armpits in the air skipping in one of those country fields.. with yellow flowers (not that I like yellow flowers, but… that’s the mental image), and I smell hope and positivity. The kind that touches you, and makes you play an imaginary piano to the melody and smile resolutely to yourself with moist eyes.

See. I am young. I am emopop-sy.

And gee, what a song to listen to, on the day I finally am liberated (though the 2 hours sleep was barely enough, and I am too tired and I don’t think I can…. Okay. I just had a bimbo moment.

I digress. I just had a bimbo moment. You know how your mind disengaged from its gear for a while and you do something really stupid?

I thought I was typing in MSN and I thought I was going to tell Potato I am too tired and I don’t think I can blog even though I want to. Then I realise, DUH, I AM BLOGGING NOW WHAT!), and it makes me feel doubly liberating (oh, that was a long sentence bracket in between). I was totally unaware that I am actually blogging, which shows how autopilot I am.

Then I wanna blog about the songs that jolted my memory and emotions then I realise the blog obnoxiously ignores Chinese character I insert. Bah!

I heard Faye Wong’s Hong Dou twice last night, though the 2nd time was a male-version sang by someone else.

I have been into the theme song to The Ultimatum, and I will always wait for 9pm just to hear the song, catch a glimpse of Zoe Tay and Li Nanxing (okay, and the very woody Elvin), before the storyline will bore me enough to switch channel.

Liu Li Yang’s Ji Mo Guang Nian is awesome.

I feel like getting in touch the cheenah part of me, and I haven’t learnt my lesson well about how I have to be careful of what I wish for.

A colleague asked me if I would like to help her with translation. A part of me actually felt excited about that. The previous time I translated Chinese presentation to English, and this time, is the other way round. I feel it a great shame to let something I enjoyed and excelled in to slip away just like that.

And yeah, I love late night 93.3fm.

But ahem, of course nothing beats the chirpy morning show that has a magical way of turning a badly started morning round.

I want to go Rome.

I want to go Rome.

I want to go Rome.

I want to go Rome.

I want to go Rome.

I want to go Rome.

I don’t care I just went Rome less than 2 months ago.

I will gladly go again this time, as a Part II of my Moscow trip last year.

I will beg for leave(WOOHOO, I got one more day of off in lieu, which means I can take a decent week off should I scoot off), do anything(just not swear on my daughter’s life or anything that uses her name in vain -winks-) just to fly there in 3 weeks’ time.

This time I will prance around Rome, skip along the beautiful pavements, and leave marks of glee and giggles as I go around, slowly taking in the city again, and perhaps, recreating memories of what the city means to me.

And a trip to Venice and Florence, like finally.

Oh man. Oh man. Oh my. I can almost imagine how my trails will be made, the places I will walk to, the eateries I will sit down to enjoy my pizza(no carbonara!) and nice lemon tea(europe has lemon tea! Moscow and Rome! Praise the Lord!), and singing the swan song with the rest of the Red Devils’ fan.

If anyone, so kindly, so lovely, so magnificently has a spare ticket for me to watch Manchester United in Rome(I pai seh to ask the awesome Ming liao, and my other contact that might give me a glimpse of hope… is in London and I don’t have her contact and it is blardy complicated)…. I will love you very deep.

And I know, time to wake up from this perfect fantasy.

And oh, I don’t even need a damn visa for this!

I am just so spontaneous that, all I need, is a blardy ticket to get me in to the damn stadium.

Believe, baybeh, BELIEVE.

Someone sent me an email which brought tears to me.

About how she had walked away with the most brilliant husband who had loved her unconditionally when she was in doubt and how it ended up with a lovely marriage with 2 amazing children.

Suddenly, today, I saw my future, if I allow myself to see.

And it was so a beautiful picture that I could envision, and I actually cried when I closed my eyes and painted the scenario of Minibean, me and the amazing guy I would one day marry.

The man who will banter with me with witty remarks, who I will do my silly dance around, loves Minibean like his own, and one who is an open book of love and has a big…. heart.

I can think about the laughters we share as we watch Minibean grow, and she will be told how she is loved every single night, just after we took turns to tell her stories(we will even put up impromptu play to amuse her on her bad days) and kiss her forehead goodnight. We will have a couple of more kids so she wouldn’t grow up lonely. He will say funny jokes to crack me up as I push and heave(and highly likely cursing him and digging my nails into his hand) when I refuse epidural again for my next bundle of joy. We will be a strong family nuclei, supporting each other, and our kids through every step of their lives.

We will love each other’s quirks(he must fart louder than I do!) and complement each other, and most importantly, compromise, respect and communicate like it was our first day falling in love.

We will watch the world go back at the deep of the night, of passing traffic and dazzling lights as we talk about everything random as I lay in his arms on a lazy couch by the window/balcony when the kids are asleep.

The kids will jump onto the bed and wake us up to go for weekend trips, and calling us leaving voicemails in our phones to ask us to hurry back to spend time with them.

Daddy would send kids to school, we will kiss them as we drop them off, and head off to work. We will always put family first because no matter how much money we earn, the time spent with them will never be replenished.

There will be little notes he will find in his suitcase(or maybe kinky thongs) when he reached work after dropping me off at work with a kiss.

He will surprise me and the kids with sudden tickets to Disneyworld and we will explore overseas as an entourage, taking pictures with ice-cream stains on everyone’s face.

The little skips in our steps… the sudden piggyback of the kids and even Mummy on his back.

The first school concerts, the first falls from the bicycle(possibly at Ubin as we explore the island, getting them acquainted to nature’s beauty), when they panic as they lose their milk teeth, and how Minibean will be there as the big sister giving them love and assurance as she had been there done that with our help.

Every morning and every night will be one of sweet, genuine kisses of affections.

Our fears all laid bare.

We will sneak out for little dates with the kids over at grandparents, and he will love my parents, and my parents will love him dearly too.

We will sometimes join MY friends, because he will know how important they are to me, and they will love him anyway.

And I don’t need to have the biggest sparkle, but I will have the most beautiful proposal with my friends and family all part of it.

Okay, I selfish a bit, we will have a fabulous sex life. Hehehehe.

Daddy will help Mummy’s mind to grow and not to wither with hurt or mindfucking. Each other’s source of strength, source of love, and source of confidence.

We will have a “Do-one-new-thing-a-month” theme for the family, and we will try to keep to schedule(sometimes Daddy and Mummy will procrastinate, but…) as we try things like…. like.. like.. learning hiphop(and see Mummy fall), juggling, going to the musical, going to a play, make-your-own-cup pottery classes, going to the nursery(you know the one with flowers)…. so many things to do.

We will bake cake on some weekends, and all birthday cakes will be home-baked, a result after a few flour wars and I make the kids clean up(erm, that’s what kids are for right? Haha).

Daddy and Mummy will become art appreciators as they figure out the abstract drawings of the kids and sometimes tsk-tsking at them for not drawing Mummy to be slimmer and Daddy’s tummy to be smaller.

We give them hugs when they need some cuddles and stroke of hair, and Daddy will do that to Mummy too.

Our first drawing will be from Minibean of all 3 of us with heart shapes all around the drawing block, and the rest will replicate hers, just with more little stick people to represent the siblings.

We will be going to different volunteer organisations where they will grow up with a big heart like their Daddy with the willingness to help, and share the love(the right way hor) with those who needs help. They will learn to love and give fearlessly with no discrimination.

They will be pampered but not spoilt. The parents will spoil and pamper each other. Giggles.

Daddy and Mummy will sometimes have to look out for little sneaky tricks the kids gang up to make fun of us, and our main mission is to bust their little mischiefs.

And before we knew it, we watch Minibean and her siblings growing up a little rebellious but still with us as best friends as we deal with their teenagehood problems, me giving them silly remedies for pimples(squeeze them when they are raw!!)… and I will be glad I don’t have my boobs hanging at my waist cos I don’t have them to begin with(but he will appreciate them all the same hahaha)!

And then, they are all fine, young adults who maybe have their imperfections but greatly, deeply loved and blessed.

We will be wrinkly, and he will still tell me how beautiful I am, and I will tell him how his belly is very sexy.

There are so many, so many, more.

It isn’t even hard, though it sounds ideal.

Because the moment you find the man who truly loves you and you love dearly, the future is what you can make of.

And I saw it, if I allow myself the chance to feel that I deserve such person, and as long as I move on.

And I smiled to myself at this picture.

And the other snippets I didn’t manage to capture fast enough to blog down, as the list will go on and on and on and on and on and on…

Just like the love for the family I can see.

Of love, of dreams, of hope.