I don’t even know how to start to explain the rage of emotions that had overwhelmed me in the past couple of days, which kinda accounts for why this post has remained a draft for a longest time.

I can’t remember the last time I am this stress. Okay, fine, work stress, but this is a different kind of stress.

Couple of weeks back, those closest to me are aware of my desperate need to get away, yes again, but there is always a good reason to be away.

I needed to get away. For myself. On my own.

In fact, I had a booking made for my air-ticket, but was pretty hesitant as finances are usually couple of sizes too small after December.

Holding it off proved to be a pretty wise move, because I woke up on Christmas day being notified a promotion was on, and it was an incredible, incredible steal for the price I am paying, so I had no reason to hold myself back.

I needed to get away, for myself.

I can’t even begin to describe how fearful I am of the Lunar New Year buzz, and I am not sure if I still any bare ounce of energy in me to deal with the obligatory visiting and answering patronising questions patronisingly.

Seriously, I dread it enough to want to get away. But the dilemma stays that it is a tradition I wouldn’t want Minibean to miss, especially seeing how she enjoys every bit of Chinese New Year, down to the last crumbs of the pineapple tarts, so staying at home and making her a sacrifice of my anti-socialness is simply unfair.

I know I have been travelling a fair bit this year, but if there is one thing I didn’t get to do, is to travel on my own, solely, independently.

A part of me is aware that if I don’t take the chance to get away on my own over Chinese New Year, it will probably take a long while before I get to do so.

And so, started my dodgy escapism plans, and all were going on pretty smoothly, I mean Minibean will be following her both sets of grans around for visiting while I will be away…… and I was even about to book a solo ticket and single room to Barcelona from London (yes, yes, I am super not creative with my destination, since I am just back from London from a month ago, and was in London in September too, but I have friends and things to do there!) before a phone call changes everything.

Okay. I am not sure how to elaborate this without getting teary, but I am gonna try my darnest best. Don’t roll your eyes at me, you know I am a wuss like that.

I was in the office after the Christmas weekend, when Dad called, asking if Minibean was with me. It was early in the evening, and knowing Dad, he doesn’t really return home this early unless he wants to spend time with Minibean, or that he is tired, which is pretty often these days with age catching up on him.

I told him I am at work, and I asked if he is staying in as his voice was evidently laced with fatigue.

He answered his knee was giving him problems and he can’t really walk, and he will be home earlier these days to rest more cos it makes him really tired, which is… really rare.

The phone call bugged me very, very much.

For much of Tuesday evening, I was just depressed by the thought of how age is catching up on him, I mean, I think of it pretty often and had often put my emotional thoughts out in the open in this space in the past… but I just can’t help but think how an energetic man who used to be on top of everything, and the one everyone relies on, have to deal with the dent to pride age has dealt with him.

It is like there are people who are stubborn to do everything by themselves, and then there comes a point they have to concede they are not capable anymore… how painful is that?

I had a bad night on Tuesday and the sleep quality wasn’t good.

4 days after Christmas

I managed to give myself a small break today after spending two whole days doing research online, trying to loop everything together, which proves to be a mega, mega challenge.

It would have been easier if this was just work, and I could just say, “this is not possible, that is not practical…” BUT this is bigger than anything I had planned, so MAKING IT POSSIBLE is a must.

I went to town via public today, and surprisingly, my cab fare didn’t kill me.

I walked down Orchard Road after some self-pampering, and stopped by Takashimaya to pick up a Jewellery Musical Box for Minibean.

I think the brilliance of my genes scares me sometimes.

When she saw the paperbag when we were having dinner at Marina Square with her dad and paternal grandparents, she instinctively asked, “Mummy, what did you buy? Do you have a surprise for me? Let me guess.. is it a musical jewellery box?”

Now I know why the men I even been with always feel I am a dampener cos I have this ability to spoil my own surprises, however elaborated, so yeah, it is quite hard to surprise me sometimes.

So karma bites me in the ass, and though I didn’t go through hoops to plan some elaborated surprises for her, but I can now totally feel how no fun it was to have a surprise dampened, much worse one that goes through lotsa details planning.

I blame it on the fact that I haven’t dated really smart men who can pull off a brilliant heist. KIDDING! KIDDING! But, have you seen Brat Pitt and George Clooney in the Ocean series…? You know what I mean. Drop-dead-gorgeously-hot is a pre-requisite to distract intelligent people like me to fool us.

Anyway.

As I was saying. Minibean.

There was no point asking her how did she know, because she will just say matter-of-factly while doing her usual stuff, and reply with a shrug, Minibeanism #1: “Because I am intelligent, I use my brains to think. I am smart, right?”

Yes, she ALWAYS says that.

Minibean been looking longingly at those musical boxes because of the ballerina, and today the paternal grans suggested that she should be picking up some sports because with all the scholarships and blarblarblar with the emphasis on sports.. it would do her good.

That’s not the point.

The point is, Minibean got really excited, and said that she wanna be a Ballerina-footballer (?! I am trying to imagine Eric Cantona doing ballet) when she grows up.

I am 50% proud. Because, woooohooooooooooooooo my baby wanna be a footballer, is she cool or is she cool?

Sidetrack a lil, couple of weeks back, after Zachary’s birthday party on the 18th December, I nearly disowned her.

In fact I was in a state of hysteria that I whatapped some friends who agreed with my decision.

We were having dinner in Chili’s when it was showing American Football. She knows it is not the usual football, but when she saw some of the jerseys in darker shades of blue, she said, “Mummy, you know, sometimes those who wear blue, are Chelsea.”

YOU TELL ME HOW TO BE NOT PROUD OF HER?! Next time I will ask her to explain off-side rules to you all, okay?

I wonder if she knows what she is talking about, so I asked, “So what about Chelsea?”

“They are… magnificent!”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRAITOR! DISOWNNNNNNNNN (LiverpoolJanet the  and ArsenalCheyenne both at this point said the same thing!)!

I gave her a death stare and she immediately gave a grin and shifty eyes, Minibeanism #2: “BUT THEY ARE SO EMBARRASSING RIGHT, MUMMY? Manchester United is the best!”

Passable save.

Anyway.

Halfway through dinner, she came over and whispered in my ears, and before I know it, I was listening to a subtle warning from the princess of wits herself.

Minibeanism #3: “Mummy, today I was listening to the news right? There is this little boy, he very poor thing, his Papa and Mama beat him, then his arm drop off (I assume the boy’s arm was broken), then they went to jail cos they beat him. So you cannot smack me wait you go jail also!”

I very scared she gonna call the police next time I smack her hand. ROOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

***

3 days after Christmas

I woke up feeling really queasy and the onset of tummyache.

Uh-oh. No good. Plus the restless sleep I had after talking to my dad the day before, I wasn’t in that good a shape and stayed home.

Dad came home early again, and he was home by late noon, and was surprised to see me.

Did I mention that he has a newfound obsession? My iPad. Birzzle. After my mum was hooked on it, the iPad has claimed its latest fan.

To the point that when he walked into his room, first thing he asked was…. “iPad where huh?”

Did I mention that when he returned from China some weeks ago, after Minibean had returned from Israel and had her 5th birthday party (he was away), he said happy birthday to her, gave her a hug, and first thing he said to her was, “Where you put the iPad? Bring to Gong gong okay?”

So much love.

After I handed him the iPad, it was almost instinctive of me to ask if he would be free over Lunar New Year…

I told him of the brilliant air ticket prices and asked if he would want to bring mum and Minibean to join me in London.

I thought how selfish it was of me to want to be away alone.. and how I hadn’t travelled with my parents in the past… 13 years.

We had spoken about going on a holiday together for the past couple of years, but he had always been busy and there never seemed to be a good time for him to getaway.

I was surprised when he said he would try to move things around and make it for the trip, and asked me to go ahead and book the tickets for them.

He told me about how he went to every corner of London when I was studying there, and his trip to Edinburg with my mum, where they brought my Grandma, and I have not even been to Scotland, which is actually on my agenda this time round if I were to travel on my own!

He then said he had never been to other parts of Europe… and he said something that hit home. “Okay, let’s go… now I can’t walk a lot and my energy is not there, if I don’t go now, I don’t know if I can next time or not.”

He made it sounded so casual, and though he spoke exactly what is on my mind, but it was superbly painful to hear it from him.

I held back my tears and happily replied that I will go ahead and make arrangements and thus started my these 2 days of intensive research and left little time for writing down my thoughts, cos it is quite emotional for me to do so.

Dad was keen on seeing a few places, and originally put aside a week, when I mentioned over dinner that it will be too short to see much he asked me to extend it longer so he can see more, because he is getting old and he wanna do it while he still can.

You have no idea how heart breaking it was.

I told him the intensive itinerary might not be good, and I have this worry in me as well, but he is adamant to going with an intensive itinerary and he will want it that way.. and I realise we both have this unspoken understanding that this will probably be the last adventurous trip for him before he takes a slower pace for something less tiring.

Thus, started my planning. I never had quite planned much for my travels, but with 2 elderly and a vivacious child, everything has to be immaculate.

I try to fit as much as I can show them, because though we might still have the chance, I wanna make every trip counts. We have never taken much pictures together, and I wanna freeze the memories as much as I can this time round.

I figured out when my sense of wander and spontaneity comes from, and this might just be the most meaningful trip I ever planned.

I asked him if the weather is too cold, and when he realised it will be almost zero, he is as happy as I am. Now, that explains.

Still.. I have still experiencing bottlenecks when trying to fit in the places and taking some factors into considerations but I tell myself that this will be the first trip of many to come, one that starts teaching us to seize the moment because there is never a good time, and thus, make every moment counts.

I remember 3 years ago in Rome, I stood in the streets of Italy, and as I took it all in, I said, “One day, I wanna bring Minibean and my parents here.”

And that scene kept replaying in my head. I am determined to make it happen.

I pray. And I pray a lot, that this will be the most fulfilling trip for all of us, and everything will go smoothly.

This year, some friction happened between me and my dad. I was angry. Very angry. But with some health scares along the way, I don’t want to waste time being angry, I wanna spend more time loving him.

***

2 days after Christmas

Superbly happy when I was woken up by the postman who delivered my Christmas present.

Just in time for the Lunar New Year trip!

I certainly hope this is an awesome investment, and it means I have to head out of the country more often to not let money go to waste *warped theory alert*

Went to visit Eddy and Kelly’s newborn son, Noel, and I one-sidedly feel extremely bonded with him. He is such and amazing cutie!

There is something about cuddling newborns that make me feel extremely, utterly maternal to the point that I wanted to abduct Noel home. This boy will be so loved. Next time remember I was the emcee at your parents’ wedding okay?

A late dinner with Janet was on the agenda to wrap up a brilliant evening. We can’t wait to meet up with Jo. 2 seemingly factual statements but…… so cryptic. Hurhur.

***

1 day after Christmas

I slept the rainy day away.

Just what I needed.

***

Christmas day

I finally got round to watching Twilight, and it was quite goooooooooood what! *unabashedly bimbotic*

All of us woke up late on Christmas Day after a late Christmas eve party and a night of waking up to check on Minibean who had a bout of gastric flu which she eventually passed on to everyone.

She woke up in the middle of the night screaming of tummyache, and I was afraid she might throw up in her sleep, or start developing a fever or some sorts.

So. Sleep deprived.

Of course, such discomfort does not stop her from ruling the world.

We went out for Christmas Tea party!

Here is she decking out her new dress, a Christmas present she gotten a day before!

I bet you can’t see that she hadn’t been eating for 2 days.
On the bicycle she gotten from me for her 5th birthday.
Still a little girl at heart, with her Camel, Sarah, which she gotten from her trip to Jerusalem.
Haven’t posted pictures for a long time.. so expect quite a fair bit today!
And her wearing her Christmas present from me.. an angel pendant with a star. Symbolising that I will always pray she will be looked after by the angels, and there will always be hope.

I remember Wendy and Qiuting said I should put tape on her left eye. After looking at this picture, I feel like doing it NOW!
My daughter very cute huh?
Time has passed so fast… she’s already 5. And once the year crosses over, she will be considered as a 6 year-old. *wipes proudmama’s tears*

Which makes me wonder what other wonderful retorts she will come up with to make my hair grey faster than it should.

Still, she will always be my baby, and seeing her holding her baby pillow preciously brings some sort of comfort to me.

She was unusually shy when she arrived at the party and insisted to be carried. She knew very well she was unwell and her lack of appetite also steered her clear of all the Christmas goodies, which makes me feel a little bad indulging in all things sinful in front of her.

A little gift from her uncle cheered her up.

My Christmas wish for her…. is that she will STOP cutting her own hair off when her grans are not looking. It might not be my place to ask, but why does she have access to scissors huh?!

Christmas Eve

Mad rush with last minute Christmas shopping, and thank God for places like IMM which saves me from the dreadful rain and Christmas shopping crowd in town.

Dad and Mum drove almost 10 hours to get back from Genting with all the bad weather and massive jams.

Minibean was throwing up non-stop and they had to bring her to the docs as well.

She felt a little warm, and had little appetite.

So she had to miss most of these:

Chocolates and tea!

and these:

So yes, the porridge is for her. But it didn’t take long before she had the runs and right after washing her up, she threw up all her dinner.

Since she joined us right after crossing the custom, we didn’t manage to dress her up and she wasn’t quite in the mood to be dressed up either.

Minibean writing Christmas cards:

She loves Christmas tree. I am sure she doesn’t remember that when she was born in 2006, there was a Christmas tree already standing in my living room, which had been there for 4 years. Hurhurhur.

One of her with Mummy!

My babe with an attitude:

Well uhm…

Okay! Camwhore time, very long never post so many narcissistic shots already hahaha!

Was supposed to join some girlies for Christmas party, but Minibean wasn’t feeling quite well so I stayed put.

The amount of Christmas presents under the tree:

Out of these, I saw this:

The present is from a beautiful English girl called Ophelia…  it’s every mum’s worst nightmare cos you can only think of the sugar high and the chaos it brings.

And of all the presents, this much belongs to Minibean:

I can’t even begin to say how blessed she is. She is very, very loved. I think of the past 5 years of Christmas with her in my life, and how each one is amazingly special because of her, I still can’t quite grasp how she has changed my life that much, beyond what I could have ever imagined.

When midnight drew near…

And she started to unwrap her presents before midnight! I have to say that she enjoys unwrapping presents more than appreciating the presents. Tsk. I will have to start the nagging about appreciating and valuing your stuff….. but it’s Christmas, I am keeping the Mummy in me at bay.

And then there were my presents, which I honestly didn’t expect much this year, cos I just ain’t feeling much of the Christmas vibes:

Her trying on her Christmas dress and looking gorgeous!

And not this is not hers, but MINE!

Which of course she isn’t quite happy, laughs. The story behind is.. how I had always wanted Play Doh but my mum didn’t have the money to buy for me when I was younger.

Dutifully, I waited till Christmas to give Minibean a kiss and hug, and also to unwrap all the presents!

Present I got from Jenn and Ling:

Giggles. I think they think I cute, but have a wild side to me or something. Or so the gift says. Thank you babes! Love them!

LOVE THE SKIRT! I wanted to wear it together with Minibean’s new dress one day when we head out together. Thank you babes!

From Ian, I love practical stuff, and after the spring cleaning recently, I have finally decided to sort my makeup stuff out and utilise them. So something to add to the collection!

I love this:

I am a fan of Loccitane products! And in this exquisite little box of perk me ups!

I was in the office and my boss and a fellow colleague gotten us Crabtree and Evelyn hand creams which I love and now I have so many hand cream and I am super happy cos I recently started on using hand cream and find them super amazing!

A Banana Republic maxi dress which is so comfortable and pretty. I think this year everyone kinda know my style very well, laughs. I think that’s the most heartening thing, it doesn’t really matter what the gift is, but the fact that people care enough to take note?

An interesting cardigan which is perfect for workdays!

A top from H&M and Massimo Dutti!

And a gift that made me rather speechless from everyone who chipped in… cos it was really unexpected, and it was just because Jiali and I were talking about the travel wallet I had with me (which was a gift from Jiali which I carried with me whenever I travel) at Covent Garden during my recent trip to London.

I do feel a tad guilty… well cos.. it was unexpected and it was something I felt I didn’t quite deserve since this year I am quite broke and didn’t put in as much thoughts into everyone’s gifts.

But it is really, really lovely and pretty. The exact kind of wallet that I like. Like I said, it’s always when people take note of small things that really matter.

So yeah, thank you all.

When I finally got home, it was almost 2am, and I was surprised to see the lights still on in Dad’s room. I shooed Minibean into the room to wish my Dad, and when we opened the door, there he was furiously Birzzling on the iPad, which makes me wonder if I should get him one for his 71st birthday next week. HAHAHA.

Guess Dad’s first words to us?

“Wah, you all back so early today huh?”

How long have you been playing Dad?!

He looked at the clock before realising it was freaking 2am!

Minibean and Dad spent some bonding time together, and to me, that’s the most precious part of Christmas to me, even though there wasn’t any party, any buzz, the simplicity of it all, the beauty of it was beyond any gift could ever give.

Though it’s late, but I wish everyone’s Christmas is special in its own way. Filled with love, happiness, blessings and everything you wish for. Love, from both of us!

Of course what is Christmas without some kind of spoiler from Minibeanism #4 just we were prepping for bedtime after reading her a bedtime story.

Mumbling to self, “I think I am getting old… I can’t seem to remember where I put my stuff…”

She said matter-of-factly in that old-soul tone of hers, “No, it is just that you are not very smart right now.”

*Speechless*

Seriously?!

I seriously have no idea to laugh or cry cos it shows she is agreeing that 30 is nowhere near old, or her subtle dig.

Did I mention that since her return from Genting, she has picked up an English accent from nowhere?!

I shudder at the thought that she might pick up some dry, crisp humour along the way.

Fret not baby, in less than a month’s time, you will be able to hone all those skills of yours.

When I travelled for work some time back, Minibean cried at the airport when sending me off. When I got back, I was told that she asked why is it that I never brought her to London or overseas with me, and she was crying when she asked “Is it because I naughty so Mummy doesn’t want to bring me?”

I swear I nearly burst out crying upon hearing this.

When she got back from Israel in the first week of December, it was one of those days when I was bringing her out for activities, and as I was driving, I asked her where did she want to go that weekend.

She pondered hard, and said “Mummy, you bring me to London this weekend?”

…………… Nice try.

But you know what, I bet she is now having the last laugh cos her birthday/Christmas wish is coming true.