I scrolled through my phone’s namelist this early noon when I had wanted a lunch companion, who would probably be free to walk around to scout for a cot, amongst many other things with me.

I scrolled through the hundreds of names, and then I did it a second time.

It is pretty sad that I simply couldn’t find anyone whom I feel I wouldn’t impose on.

Thus, I went to Jurong Point alone on a Saturday noon, before Dad was supposed to pick me up to head back to JB.

Dad asked me what time I would be free and I told him I would be done around 6pm, right after I picked up some work stuff. Eventually, I decided I want to return to JB earlier, and I told him I am ready and was waiting for him at home.

He got back only at half past 8, and we made a trip to Jurong Point to get a new cot, which ended with me only getting some beddings for Minibean, 2 cans of Similac, and me buying Dad dinner.

Dad even did his shoe shopping.

It is no wonder it ended late and Dad would drive Minibean out tomorrow morning instead. I hope he doesn’t bail me out, cos he was supposed to drive her out THIS morning.

Anyway. So without the new cot, I had to rush home to clean the old one up, change the beddings, and try to tie up the broken side instead.

Can’t wait to see her tomorrow. Parents have been saying how much she has grown, and she had even tried to climb out of her cot and her walker already. This lady is a real adventurous one, I tell you.

***

Sorry sweets, I didn’t manage to give her a kiss on your behalf, “you must remember to do it with that grin on your face” didn’t happen either.

***

Looking at my sidebars, and there are 2 advertisers(Nikewomen & Citibank) which I personally feel, are brands that are close to my heart.

Since I was a teenager, all I had believed in, are Nike sneakers, that would survive me everywhere, and anywhere, and I even went through a crazy phase that I collect nothing but Nike shoes.

And when the ever-lovely Prestos came out, I was first to rush to the stores to look for the different colours and designs, and indeed, Nike is a brand that brings back so much old-times memories…

I still remember how a precious pair bought by my Dad at IMM(I remember it was Deepavali, and I got pissed off with my mum, and I got freaking blacked-out when we visited Dad’s friend who offered me a whole wine glass of undiluted, neat X.O.) was stolen when I wore it for the first time to head to Edward’s place.

Damn the thief. Argh.

Wheeeeeee! It’s weekend finally. I dozed off in the midst of couch potato-ing last night, and what followed was 16 hours of absolute K-O.

I was that tired.

In fact I was so tired that when it reached evening time, my mind wasn’t registering nor remembering anything, though my social self was still on full-blast(cos I had to, you see?).

***

Thursday started with me meeting up with Brian at Sim Lim, and it was a series of work-related discussion, before we met up with our supplier at 8pm.

During the meeting….

….. Messages and calls came in.

Anyone you can imagine. Colleagues from my teaching days(7 years ago!), primary school classmate, ex-schoolmate, clubbing kaki, my boss, my insurance agent, even Roy’s mother called him!

Oh even my grandma, who sleeps at 8pm everyday, was channel surfing just before she slept, and saw me too, together with my aunties.

Mum called and expressed slight displeasure, telling me never to do it again, and implied it doesn’t look good on the face. I simply couldn’t be bothered. Though she did say baby saw Mummy and Minibean was giggling as she saw me.

My confinement nanny called too.

Roy and I headed to KAP to meet up with the rest, and it was there when he told me he was there at West Coast Park on Tuesday too!

Gee, at the same time we were there, and at the right side of the park as well. And we even saw the same people there.

Coooooool.

He was THAT close to finally meeting SBB in the flesh!

I didn’t stay for long cos my curiosity really got the better of me, and I rushed home before midnight to watch the repeat telecast of the program.

***

Oh, over late lunch with Brian, he was having his dessert, when I played with his… sperm, and then, I swallowed his sperm!

Cough.

I am not sure what it is, but it is reeeaaaaallllyyy cute, and has a long tail to it.

And it was slightly hard.

So cute.

OK, gee, that was soooo totally random.

***

When I first received the call from the research writer, it was the day when Minibean was actually with me in Singapore.

She had just dozed off in the cot, and I was looking at her when the call came in.

She spoke to her producer and called me back within 5 minutes to confirm with me they would like me to go on the program, and it would be the day after I return from Bintan.

Like I had said, I was apprehensive…

Then again, as always, I just block out all external factors, and went on nonetheless.

That was the day at Tiong Bahru.

After the program, the producer came up to me, and her gesture struck me as very heart-warming though I didn’t have the chance to talk to her thereafter since she was very busy.

She came up and held my hand tightly.

Some stranger, an old uncle was walking past, and gave me the thumbs-up. I have always liked Shengjiang since I started watching this program for his quaint sense of humour. He wished me good luck just before he left. And it was as if the ‘good luck’ was weighed heavily with thoughts. Thank you.

My idol from 10 years ago was too busy, and I didn’t really dare to go up to him to ask for a picture taken. Just as the recording was cut for a break, he looked at me, and said regarding about the emotional dependency issue I raised.

I nodded, and smiled. And I could sense that it was a very genuine, sentimental comment. Thank you, too.

Hmm… and my long-time heroine, Yifeng:

What struck me most was her empathy and sensitive nature. She asked me things which I could only laugh it off cos it was too close to heart. But as a mother, she even spoke up when someone asked me(after the recording was over) wouldn’t I be angry if I see baby everyday and that baby will remind me of SBB. She said to her, “孩子生下来就是自己的，没有一个妈妈会后悔的。”

She even asked me if I was afraid when the program is aired that it might be “大好大坏” . Thankfully, everything has been positive so far.

She was even concerned how SBB’s family might recognise me, which I assured her wasn’t much of an issue.

Eventually, she did say something to the extent that what was said on a program for entertaining purposes, she knows how every story is not of absolute, and the stories behind are always far more complex than what people see, and whatever it was, she knows how it wasn’t easy, and people might not understand.

It was great meeting all these people.

And not forgetting, the person who brought forth the chance, the very sweet Jace, who gave this neurotic bitch here so much assurance through SMS thereafter.

Thank you babe. I will try to send you the picture soon since I just uploaded it. Heh.

My sole supporters, who calmed my nerves

***

Truth to be told, I hated the sight of myself on television. It was so cringeworthy that it was bad.

Honestly, it wasn’t bad, and the people weren’t nasty. Some people thought I had it hard, but it really wasn’t. I even liked the girl Jiahui whom everyone thought was anal.

***

Nonetheless watching the program had me shaking throughout.

I only managed to have an hour or 2 of sleep before I woke up early the next morning to head for a meeting.

It was drizzling and I had a bad experience with a cab driver who took 10 to fifteen minutes to reach the location 1km away.

And it took me 20 bucks when I think it would have taken me around 14 or 15.

He refused to take out the streetdirectory when he was going round and round.

It was a kilometer from Boon Keng MRT, yet he turned to Kallang Place instead of Kallang sector, then went up a short distance of expressway, turned out from Kallang MRT, then went through Geylang. I told him he was going through the wrong road, and asked him for road directory, and he refused. BUGGER!!!

Then, he went through Aljunied, Eunos, before we finally reached Kallang Sector.

He didn’t even offer to take lesser charge when I went “HUH!!” when he told me it was 20 bucks.

I took a receipt and I told myself I would lodge a complaint.

But as usual, the nincompoop here is too much of a wuss.

I told Mr Brian Lee I would claim the cab fare instead. Arghhh.

After the meeting, we rushed to Orchard in the rain, had Pepper Lunch with Wenmei. I miss the taste, somehow.

The next meeting that followed was postponed and had the location changed.

Let’s just say I wasn’t looking forward to that. The traffic was horrendous and the rain was getting heavier.

And the rider of the bike was roaring with absolute frustration. It was almost like a bark. It was scary.

It dragged and took a while before I rushed down to Meiling’s salon where I promised her I would let her do my hair.

Dad picked me up and we headed for a Gala dinner at Shangri La.

I always like to make Dad happy because I know that would be what he would truly like. Me to be a part of what he is doing, and share his efforts and passion to do go to the society. I would like to be part of it, if I can minus all the PR work, really.

The MP was very nice though, and I see the efforts they contributed to bring the community together.

It was nice, though Dad stopped me from eating most of the dishes cos of the seafood in them.

IT WAS A LONG DRAGGG.. before the event was finally over for me.

I got very hungry. I left the dinner in birkies and dinner dress. How atrocious.

So hungry that after that I went to have supper at the hawker center with Nick, Meiling, Roy, Brian and Mindy before I made my way home finally. I could hardly stay awake and stay out.

Fattening, lardy char kuey teow, oyster omelet, and hokkien mee are like, so incredibly delicious.

I stuffed them down despite them being seafood.

Good news?

Hohoho, I am still hives free today.

Though one day I shall have revenge on the guys on how they tried to wake me up.

Gr……

These couple of days feel kinda strange. They are simply, strange.

I feel… too much positivity. So much that it makes me feel jittery. So much that I started tearing my nails nervously throughout the day. I am left nail-less again.

Problem with people like me is, we don’t believe in positive stuff anymore. Once we start to do so, the fear of the world comes crashing down starts to seep in, and before you know it, it engulfs you completely.

It is… just, different.

***

Sometimes I see things, but I just choose to bury to the very deep end.

I pretend. It doesn’t mean I don’t notice, and that I don’t know.

***

I felt a great sense of accomplishment.

I slept less for the past 2 days, and the adrenalin keeps me awake… and it still is sustaining me now.

I was packed to the brim with work schedule, but amidst it all, I still had time for family(Dad and Mum), the all important Minibean, friends(a quick get-together), checked out an office space, Ghost Whisperer AND CSI: New York, a little shopping for the home and Minibean, and added a tinge of romance to it all.

It has been fulfilling. And I haven’t felt this way in a long while.

It just feels… different.

Sometimes putting a little bit more trust in myself, could go a long way.

Only is, I need to start believing. Believing that the world won’t come crashing down on me.

***

I jokingly told Roy and Brian, who were both engrossed with their own priorities in life(Grrrr…. even my work calls were like in no way superior!!), that I wanted to go on a strike.

It was early in the day, but instead of doing so, I didn’t manage to stop all the way till pretty late.

I will never get what I wish for, isn’t it?

I feel pretty alright, actually.

***

I fell asleep during an episode of CSI: New York. I tried to quit waiting by having a little me-time.

And when he finally turned up, it was a quiet, relaxing and enjoyable night ahead.

My little silly surprise that brought on so much giggles worked out pretty fine… though it made the wait to the end of the night a little too long.

We had nice little chat on the bench at my lobby, with the canned drinks bought from the vending machine(the root of all evils!). The breeze was nice.

Despite my initial hunger, I ended up not having much appetite. That brought us round and round the place we initially wanted to go for food – Fong Seng.

We ended up at a place I adore, Kent Ridge Park.

I saw ‘giraffes’ there. I want to bring Minibean there next time. Mum used to tell me those cranes at the port are giraffes. Yellow, long neck, four-legged.

It was a part of my childhood, and I always feel warm and fuzzy when I see them… cos it was one of the few better memories Mum left me with.

We sat around, took pictures, giggled, strolled a little, cuddled, kissed, and flirted.

“I like this place. The quietness of it.”

And I like how the place always never fails to make me feel starry-eyed with the lights. I like to be dazzled, and just feel that innocence within me again.

With memories. With giraffes. With stars. With lights. With peace. With… comfort.

***

No park bench adventures lah.

***

The park got a little noisy and as we tried figuring our way out, and the way actually led us to another park.

West Coast Park. And we thought of grabbing a bite at McDee’s.

I didn’t really want to eat, so we ended up taking a walk, hand in hand, down the quiet path, which winds down to one end of the park.

The park that held so much memories.

I remember we walked in this park, hand in hand, the last time too.

Though the bugger had the audacity to keep disturbing me when I try to keep my hands steady to take night shots.

We left for home as the teasing escalated.. not before we took the route that brought us to Pandan reservoir, and the place where I once spent an agonising 4 years of my life.

We took a further ride down to Jurong Lake Park.. just opposite where I grew up.

It was a stop at the petrol kiosk for food and drinks, before we finally made our way back.

It was nice.

I like things simple.

***

Breathless.

I love internet shopping.

No lah. I didn’t get myself any Brr Brr toys.

***

I always like sitting across him at a table, and we would figure life out together… and just say whatever that comes to mind.

It was nice.

***

It was a warm night, but indoors are freaking cold these nights, and I have no idea why.

Nonetheless, snuggling next to a warm body and cuddling to sleep is indeed utterly luxurious.

We wrapped up the night as we cuddled, and browsed through the pictures, and played the videos of Minibean on my camera.

All I remembered was that, we smiled, we laughed.

I wasn’t quite able to get to sleep. But I know as I hear the breathing next to my ears, I slowly drifted off…..

***

Didn’t have much sleep, cos work beckoned.

Woke up early cos he had tried pulling the blankets off me, switched off the air-conditioner just to get me up.

I sulked big time, but I knew I had to.

Rushed around to do some errands.

I made him go shopping with me, and I spent like 62 bucks on some flash cards for Minibean(like, seriously, did I spend that?!). I shopped around for a sofa too, but I didn’t quite manage to find something I fancy.

We headed to town, where I was once again, at a familiar place that brought forth so much memories.

Dad picked me up early to head in to JB.

The little one actually slept at 6am yesterday!!!!!

She stood at the side of her cot for the entire night just to get my parents to wake up to play with her.

Dad also told me how she doesn’t like to play with toys(the horror! I went back and saw a Barney! No Barney! NOOOOOOO!), and how she likes to throw her toys around, and then she would like to contort her body so she could get out of the pram, walker, to reach for other things to play.

She like challenges, like my dad puts it. Hahaha.

It wasn’t long before she heard voices and woke up.

Her hair is now in an absolute mess! Hahaha. But I think is so damn cute. They are starting to curl out at the ends.

I fed her porridge and she was smiling for every spoon of porridge! Like me, she doesn’t seem to like fish nor water. Uh oh.

Besides my intelligence, dimple and brilliance, she actually has that from me too!

We dressed her up in the Kenzo jacket I got for her, and her jeans, so that we could have a family outing to Jusco.

It was the first time, in a long, long while, since I last went out with my parents.

I love love love this picture, cos she looks like such a cutie.. though too boyish hahaha. My mum was worried she would do a split but Dad and I were jokingly saying that she would have the makings of a dancer, which will be cool.

Anyway, the trip to Jusco was the most enjoyable family outing in a long while. Seeing how my dad has trouble walking, yet insisting on carrying Minibean… it almost brought tears to my eyes, realising how much he has aged.

Dad bought icecream for Mum, me, and himself. Minibean could only watch with plenty of bewilderment.

I felt grown up.

Mum had never liked me eating ice-cream when I was younger, and to be eating ice-cream with the adults… make me feel like one, finally. I so should have asked someone to take a picture of 4 of us. I so should have.

Dad was the photographer.

It was plenty of laughs, plenty of smiles, and I even made Dad buy bed sheets for me. I feel like a daddy’s girl again.

They had forgotten to lock the boot when contemplating whether to bring the pram. We didn’t, and they forgot to close the boot!

Fortunately, this place has security guard who watched over the car(they thought it was broken into), and my pram was intact.

I never enjoyed family outings in the past, maybe when I was young, I did, but not in a long, long while. Though it was bogged down by lotsa emotional thoughts as I observed my parents. How could I possibly miss out so much.

I want to have more. I want to spend more time with the 3 people I love most.

Damn. I feel hormonal.

***

They sent me to the causeway as I fed her milk on the journey. She fell asleep in my arms and I just couldn’t stop smooching her.

I miss her so darn lots.

***

I got back, and headed straight to Ang Mo Kio to check out a potential office space.

I didn’t quite like the long distance from my place, though I suspect 2/3 of the Brats would gladly take it cos it is so near to them.

Brian and I then headed to Orchard to meet up with Tracy and Nick for a bitch-fest!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Contents have to be censored.

Brian then sent me to Thomson, where I hopped on a cab home.

It was then suddenly, the world got too silent for my comfort.

It was when the positivity took a dive… and the self-doubt crept in.

And a message came in from a dear friend, as if God’s way to remind me that I am never alone.

***

From tomorrow onwards, this month would be an utterly busy one.

In the meantime, I shall enjoy a little me-time.

A little more indulgence in my sensitivity would break the dam and I would end up looking for a good bawl.

I shall dwell in my CSI: New York.

***

I can’t wait for the shit to hit the fan.

So I can clean it up faster.

***

Meanwhile, look at what my little sweetheart is up to. Must Watch!

Have been busy.

Have been bleak.

***

I was tired today.

I shied away from phone calls, and certain messages that touched me but I know not what to reply.

It was indirectly a pressure… because how you know how high expectations people have of you.

It was just yesterday when I mentioned something like I need to balance both sides.. because my timing has been split too lavishly to the other.

Today, both sides demanded more time from me.

Yet, I don’t see myself bringing either to new heights. Maybe it really is me.

***

It is a warm Wednesday night. I didn’t join the girls in their conquests for some drunkard sex, but attended a wake in the East of Singapore.

Roy’s grandma had passed away on the 10th July, yesterday, and the gang had all went down to send our condolences, though honestly, it was like gathering there more than anything.

I went to Kembangan where Mork picked me up to head down with the rest who were in the car. Mindy, Brian, and Tracy.

You have no idea how small the world is, and how your past can haunt you so closely.

I met a biker there whom I last saw eons ago.

Nick’s friend was there too, and his girlfriend is Yong Wee’s ex. Yong Wee was the one who lost his K3 and the one Philip was pillioning when he fell from the scrambler.

And.. oh yes, Nick’s friend happened to know Philip on a personal basis too.

All these came out simply because Max was giving me a lift last night and he had dropped by said friend’s place and I saw a gixxer1000 with his girlfriend’s name on it, and it struck me as awfully familiar.

This friend then said Philip looks like RAIN, you know, the Korean star? I stared at him in disbelief and so did some others.

Uhm.

I must bite my lips down so I wouldn’t say the wrong things.

***

Nick and Boon boon dropped me off at Toa Payoh before I hopped on a cab.

Boon Boon had commented something that took me by surprise.

“Why is it that you always look sad to me?”

I had no explanations and beamed widely, “What? Do I? You must be joking!”

He asked me about getting a place of my own and such, and I felt a great sense of dejection that I am still nowhere near where I wanna be.

Not even the first step so.

***

I am still in the midst of compiling the girls for the Comex, and whee, I do have some pretty fabulous faces. My head is spinning and my back is aching. I need some form of corset support I think.

Of course… some comments… I must keep to myself.

And isn’t it funny how all these work can drain so much of self esteem out of you and you just want to break down and cry cos you know you could never be perfect?

I should never be in this line.

***

I wish she will grow up pretty and hot, so she can be who I can never be.

***

Today I was thinking.

In a relationship, there are 2 kinds of deceptions.

The best deception, is detachment.

OR

The best deception, is attachment.

Which are you?

Interesting, you hurt yourself most with the first, and you hurt the other most with the latter.

I mean, have you denied your own feelings just so you thought you wouldn’t get hurt?

And have you tried to be extremely nice, because of the guilt you have from doing something wrong?

It is not give sex for love, and give affections for sex for nothing.

***

My previous weekend was an extremely quiet one.

A shame I didn’t get to see her.

I holed up at home on Saturday night rushing some work.

Then when I woke up on Sunday, I went straight to JD’s place for a game of mahjong.

Oh mahjong. How I miss it.

It was only 3/4 round before we trooped down to Hoggies’ for dinner, and witnessed the achievement of an impossible task.

The challenge was for him to finish a kg of steak, and he had to do so, with the sides, within an hour, or else he had to pay a hundred bucks.

If he completes it, the steak is on the house.

Each standard piece of Hoggie’s steak is 300g.

I don’t really want to repeat what those who were there already blogged about, so just read about it HERE.

And he did it. That kid is amazing.

I also feel like trying, you know?

***

Uncle Roy sent me home and it stormed.

We took shelter at the nearby coffeeshop where I had my delicious bowl of hot, teochew porridge.

We had a long talk.. and it put things into perspective.

I wouldn’t want to lose a friend again.

***

Went back to office for meeting on Monday, before I made my way down to Bugis to meet up with Brian and Mindy.

Just before I was supposed to leave, Justine asked me to sit down for a drink, which led to a very enriching and very heart-warming, long talk. If all my colleagues were this brilliant.

Client didn’t turn up after few hours of wait and we just chilled at Breko’s for the evening.

Lawrence joined us and we sat around catching up before we called it a night.

It was yet another talk with Roy before I called it a night and headed up.

***

He came over for the night, and my neck had plenty of attention, that made my hair stand no end.

The sensation was awesome. I found my weak spot. Sigh.

Tingling.

***

Sidetrack a little, I think I need to get my bed a headboard. I now know what they are for.

Headboard with poles, perhaps?

***

He left for work in the day after I had troubles getting him out of bed.

In the afternoon, it was then my turn to head out for a meeting with Brian in the East area, before we went around various places.

What was interesting was that we went around by public transport cos his bike was in the workshop.

Muahahaha!

After our meeting, we headed to Kembangan, before we had to head to Toa Payoh(I am very fated with these 2 places in the past 2 days, and it ain’t exactly good news).

A very annoyed Brian, who hates public transport(spoilt brat lah!), and the peak hour traffic nearly ticked the bomb.

We didn’t catch the train when we had to change it, cos it was simply too crowded. Grr.

I no like peak hour crowd either.

We met Wenmei for dinner at HDB hub MOS burger, before we discussed some stuff(and of course, dirtied my clothes with my clumsiness) over dinner.

It was then, Max was giving Brian a lift, and I asked them to drop me off somewhere convenient.

Thank God they were heading for Sixth Avenue for coffee and I tagged along.

Sixth Avenue is a very convenient place for me to hail a cab and hop on.

***

10th July is an odd day.

Philip’s birthday.

And Philip’s ex-girlfriend messaged me that she had given birth that morning.

It was Shubin’s death anniversary too.

And then, Roy informed us that his grandma had passed on too.

***

Wrapped my Tuesday night up with a phone-conversation with you-know-who, whilst giggling distractedly by my online surfing. *Giggles*

Will be getting her out tomorrow, can’t wait!

I miss cuddling her in my arms.

I heard from my parents how she will sulk and look hurt when she is being ignored.

My Dad was heading for the showers instead of carrying her few days ago, and she had waited excitedly for him to carry her.

Dad took a dump and took a long shower.

She then curled up at a corner of her cot and then ignored everyone, keeping quiet, unlike her usual noisy self.

She gave a pitiful look throughout, and ignored my mum.

After a while, she would just look at you sulkishly, before she would flip over to her back and held her hands wide open for some ‘sayang’ when my dad finally came out of the showers.

Once you carry her up, she would be all smiles and giggles.

She now knows how to crawl, and then when she does, she would flip to her sides, so she would sit up straight.

I was trying to tell Dad to discipline her, and Dad told me that of course he wouldn’t allow us(Mum or me) to scold her.

He said wait we frighten her when we raise our voices, how? Cos she is still young.

Then, he sided her by saying she is young, she doesn’t know anything.

Then he contradicted himself by saying baby is so smart, she knows what the adults are thinking. He then commented how he thinks she will be really intelligent.

It was such a heartwarming talk as I was out with Brian and Max at 6th Avenue, especially with my Dad laughing as he recounted the things Minibean did.

I am glad, Minibean has a macho-protector in him.

***

BRATworks is gonna be RATworks for a while since the B of it wouldn’t be around.

The brat has decided to take a break in Bintan, whilst the rest of us shall slog back home.

After he comes back, he will have to bear the workload of BRAworks since it will be Ting’s turn to be away.

It can become CRABworks(Charissa!). I am so lame it is not even funny.

Alright partner, have a great time with your rightful partner in Bintan, and birthday girl, I will not be paying the $500 shall you guys bring back a “birthday present”.

Oh dear, I am really lame.

I committed 7 deadly sins all within 24 hours.

In fact, I believe there were more. Deception. Guilt. Denial. And much more others I have yet to figure out. But phew, fortunately(or rather, unfortunately) there are only 7 sins… And that clumsiness and forgetfulness are not one of them.

Yet, I rediscovered the innocence within me that almost made me cry(uhm… don’t laugh when you know what it is!) in that span, too.

It has been a roller-coaster ride for me for the past 2 days, and I am just glad to have a peaceful day of rest, tying up loose ends, and perhaps a day of housekeeping which I have been putting off for the longest time(laundry! Mopping! Bedsheets! Sink! Tub! Keep the clothes in the wardrobe!)…

It was an interesting Wednesday, of every element, and a diversion of the usual pace we had set ourselves into for the past weeks.

Here, it is.

***

Luxuria

Lust.

Gee, does this really have to be first on the list?

Might as well as it was what kickstarted the day for me.

It wasn’t quite expected, though it made the start of the day all the more sweeter, with the raging remnants of the liaison still seeping down my neck, and sending signals to every nerve in my body as I reminisce the sweet escape.

Which reminded me of the time… during World Cup, of that Italy match.

When I was… 4 months gone.

And tsk. This is only like the 2nd time, ever.. what?! Unlike most of the others I know who had rattled off different places they had did the mumbo-jumbo. It must be some sort of high to be in semi-state of undressed out in the openness that did it for most people… or for some other reasons I know not of.

But oh yes, outdoor naughtiness is my thang, and oh yes.. the thrill.. oh yes…

Okay, the mental images have been played in my minds, and thus, details shall stop here.

But a change from a ride on a park bench would be nice.

***

Damn, did I really write what I wrote? Man, I really sound lusty.

***

Ira

Wrath.

I had sensed something would be very wrong to the day, and I had dreaded the start of it.

I was one angry person yesterday. Very. I am starting to wonder if I have anger management issue.

I do not like to be misunderstood, and I didn’t stand up for myself either.

Despite assurances from people around me that told me that there shouldn’t be any problems and things will go okay, I knew right from the start that it wouldn’t.

I still harboured the slightest hopes that people could see the plain truth, and not the distorted tales.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be, and as I walked away, I felt a great deal of anger within me, not only for myself, but also for the people involved.

I didn’t even feel like speaking nor talking about them anymore because it just eats me away cos there is nothing I could do about it. Maybe there are things I could, but I chose not to.

And that would just give them the reaffirmation that I am just being a wimp and that I am guilty.

You know, hands on heart, from a person who is always uncertain, I am very certain this time that I did no wrong.

I wanted to curse, but I didn’t and couldn’t.

But what was scary was the heavy, suppressed heart, that you know is the very work of wrath, and you could just explode anytime.

I clenched my teeth, and felt that rush of blood to the head.

It was anger no doubt.

I should never allow myself to feel that angry.

So angry that the only response I could give is silence. Or an occasional wry smile, as I tried hard to swallow my pride, and tears.

I feel that is even much more dangerous than any form of anger I know of.

It made me a grouchy person whenever I was left alone to think of the episodes that led up to this.

But thankfully, yesterday jam-packedness very successfully took my mind off lotsa stuff.

Except when it was time to meet the guys for dinner, and I was mega-ly pissed off when they were late(5 minutes = 45 minutes. Fuck you, Roy! And no, you response was not funny and it made me more pissed only), and I was left to go round and round the malls by myself and being preyed by those youths who tried to ‘sweet-talk’ 30 bucks of donation out of me.

So my mood for dinner was a little screwed. And I just didn’t want to answer any of their calls.

And oh, about the donation.

It is like, hello? Screw you. Yes, I can donate that 10 bucks(oh, they told me minimum is 10 bucks only when I whipped out my wallet to take out some change), and just want to be sure it goes to an organisation(I stopped to listen because the foundation is for children) I can reckon with, and yes, I might look a little more well-dressed but that doesn’t mean I am rich cos it may well mean I am living on credit and struggling with my finances(I will be fucking glad to bring home more than 1500 a month, thank you). And so, don’t just because I decide to part with 10 bucks, you come pestering me for another 20 bucks(“Hi Miss! What is the minimum withdrawal from the ATM? 20 bucks right?” Screw you! My UOB’s minimum is 10 bucks, and sorry, I don’t have 10 bucks in my account right now anyway, if only I said it in their faces).

They would make very good salesperson really. But yet, the irritating kind that I absolutely loathe. But on normal days I would actually find them nice and funny.

I was a very, very grounchy person.

It eats away my patience too.

***

Oh gee, I really do sound angry as I recounted the episodes yesterday.

***

Had a meeting yesterday morning, and in my rush, I had forgotten my handphone.

Since it would be that busy a day, I needed my phone with me, and had sought the help of my wonderful Daddy.

He had mixed up the place, and went to River Valley instead of Blair Road.

Not only he brought me the phone and the helmet, he was so great that he sent me down to Ang Mo Kio Mediacorp Publishing(I had thought it was the Caldecott Hill one where I could go take picture with Cruz Teng, you know? Get well soon, my King), where I was supposed to go for a shoot.

I was slightly late as I couldn’t find the place, and had wanted to look for a friend I haven’t seen for a while but he was on MC.

***

Invidia

Envy.

Of course, when you step into the studio, and see pretty girls all made up and such, you would feel alittle inferior whilst sitting there with a makeup-less face.

That was Jesseaca Liu in red, and the partner of my shoot, Zarelda in tube-top.

And then, you see people do what they enjoy doing, and you see the flamboyance of people who are good at what they do, and living life every so positively… Like Jesseaca’s makeup artist, who litted up my day with the jokes he cracked, and his brilliant views on sex and men. He doesn’t look his age, really.

And then, you sat there, observing, envying.

And then you saw the wedding gown, and you sat there envying. Pretty, you thought.

You hear about others’ jobs and then you envy.

And then, the shoot location was at a pretty cafe tucked away nicely in the National Museum.

And then, you envy how the young siblings are actually doing things you have always wanted to do.

And then, you envy.

Though I know this doesn’t fit the extreme definition of “those who commit the sin of Envy desire something that someone else has which they perceive themselves as lacking. Dante defined this as ‘love of one’s own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of theirs’”, it was just a part of me wishing to get where they are, someday.

I guess to me, envy just eats away part of my self-esteem cos I know I can never be good enough.

***

Superbia

Pride.

Oh. The most original and deadly sin. *Giggles* Vanity and Narcissism are prime examples of this Sin.

Plenty of it in this entry! Whee!

When I arrived at Mediacorp Publishing, I was a plain jane until the makeup artist did her magic.

This shoot happened because of a very nice Pamela, who had asked me to do a previous swimsuit(it was for mothers, nothing like what you think!) shoot but I had a prior engagement back then.

It was the first time I met Pamela, and she is such a gregarious lady that it was infectious. There is just so much positive vibes about her and she has a pair of 6-years-old boy twins! Lovely, lovely lady.

After my make-up was done, it was then time to get my hair done.

The hair-stylist decided to give me curls and waves, and set my hair, so that she would take it off on-site.

I ended up looking totally silly with a head of curlers, which I kinda like… gives a very 60s feel, you see.

We then promptly left the studio, not before I took pictures with this fabulous, funny chap, and I know not of his name. The only thing I know is, he is of my age, that’s all! And that he was involved with Jesseaca’s shoot for I-weekly(I read that every week since I was like 5!).

There was Sandra, my wardrobe stylist and art-director for the day, who also copes with an obsession for Hello Kitty! She is French, and has a incredible sense of humour and I absolutely adore her!

We bade goodbye to the team before we left for the Museum, and this is pretty Zarelda, who is a drama-teacher, and who is brilliantly of AWARE(you go, girl).

Gee, and I reacted with ignorance when she asked if I had heard of Women for Action, and I just couldn’t remember where and when I came across it.

I think we really should give more time and attention to such meaningful social causes around us.

It was funny when Roy and Brian saw her picture, they kept saying she looked familiar, but she wasn’t anyone they know.

Mindy casually took the camera over, and then said, “Oh, she was from my JC.”. What can I say, world is indeed small.

Sandra, Zarelda, my makeup artist(oh dear, I forgot her name, though she was really nice and I love her makeup skills!) and me then took a cab ride down to Museum from Ang Mo Kio, whilst the hairstylist drove her way there.

Alas, she called to say her car had stalled due to lack of petrol and she wouldn’t be able to make it until much later.

And with nothing on us, they could only let me wait for her arrival, with the heads of curlers, no less.

When was the last time you went to the museum?

It seems like it has been a week for me to revisit those memorable, nostagic places.

The museum has changed so much.

Our wardrobe for the day.

I took the time to explore the place, and I totally adored its deco.

Novus cafe is etched in a corner of the museum, and it is a cosy place to hang out and chill. Totally love it!

With the pretty desserts littered enticingly at the display counter, it is hard not to fall in love with such an exquisite little place.

Especially the large, long table near the bar.

The PR consultant struck me as awfully familiar, and it was after she left before I remembered her as Adrenalynne, who used to be a newscaster. It wasn’t quite the first time we crossed paths, cos I believe I have seen her before when I was always lurking around Hwachong many years ago, but it is just that it is a stranger face you recognise…

Life is quaint like such, so many faces would have crossed us all, but we would never know..

Joel, our photographer, who reminded me so much of Tetanus.

Zareldo all set and ready to go!

I love her jacket. Love it!

Everyone in action.

The wait eventually got a little too long, and the makeup artist tried to get my hair done for me with the little things she had with her.

I had loud, bouncy curls, which I kinda adore, though the fringe needed a little managing.

I joked that I looked like Mamasan.

Pretty curls! It is a shame that my curls no longer stay that way!

With no hair spray, my hair didn’t quite stay up the way it should, and it went limp right after my first shot was done.

Then I had a change of makeup for the 2nd scene, which was supposed to be funky for the night.

My hairstylist finally reached, and did my hair in a different way.

No more curls.

Novus have 3 different areas to sit in, the outdoor area, the indoors, and the corridor along the museum, where it was bright and the expanse of it, is liberating.

Too bad I was in the borrowed dress so I couldn’t sit on the beanbag. Heh.

Instead of funky, I thought I look tai-tai-ish. Must be the curlers.

Heh.

I love the makeup she did for me. Not too over the top, and neither was it too bland.

Finally it was a wrap after I had climbed up to sit on the bar. And it was plenty of fun.

The best thing of all is, you could meet so many inspiring, gorgeous, and absolutely kind people all in a day.

Sandra, Zarelda, and me.

With that, I bade them goodbye, where I walked over to Swissotel, where I indulged in yet another cardinal sin.

***

Gula

Gluttony.

I know not why, but I had always liked the idea of going for a nice dinner, be dazzled by the pretty lights, and just chill.

It was something I love to do with the ex, and uppety-class food and dining experience is something I like to do once in a blue moon.

And to wind down after finishing some recent projects, and to relieve the stress from all those things that have been going on… and of course, to thank some people who had helped us along the way, I suggested to do a very nice dinner.

Which I had eliminated places like Fosters, The Scarlet Hotel, The Ember, Fort Canning, Labrador Park… before Brian’s “I don’t mind Equinox actually..” that finally did it for the lazy planner here.

So, off to Equinox we went last evening, where we didn’t manage to get a window seat.

Still, it was pretty.

It was great change of pace.

They thought I had dressed up nicely for it, until they saw the flip-flops and denim under the table.

You see, my hair was done up and I was all made up. Muahaha.

I love bread. I love bread. I love bread. I love bread. I love bread. I love bread. Don’t tell me they are nothing but carbos. It doesn’t work on me. I love bread!

In fact, I had tried every single type of bread in the bread basket. Actually.. I forgot to ask if they do refills.

I love the sweet, cheesy ones.

It was then the appetizer was served. Some crabby thingy. We had tried to convince Roy that all dishes contained prawns since he is allergic to prawns.

Roy. When the sky was still bright.

It wasn’t that it wsn’t nice, but I believe we had just spoke of work and it just got me sulking.

Sky getting darker, gradually.

Our favourite dish was served! Foie Gras!

Roy had the audacity to ask me, “Foie Gras got cholestrol one meh?”

!!!!!

Mindy with hers. Hers is heart-shaped. Unfair!
Me with mine.

I am hungry now. Gee.

The steak which was nothing to shout about.

Desserts!

Yummy!

With my credit card, we had 70 over bucks of discount.

Yes, we were all very casual. Heh. Considering the fact that I was wearing flip-flops.. the best dressed award of the night went to Brian, who even turned up in dress-shoes.

Roy and me.

The BRATS!

The two chaps in my life who look monkeyish in this picture… who can be quite lovely, when I don’t feel like stabbing them with the steak knife.

This picture reminds me of Moulin Rouge, no idea why.

After a loooonnnggg time, the lighting test could only manage this at best:

But just a shame Brian moved. Can’t you sit still for once?

We took a while to watch the night view, before we had to rush off.

And because of that rush, I only manage to take this picture, which would have been nice if given the chance to remedy.

Bleah!

Ahh…. *burp*

Nice dinner.

***

Next up, was the gala premiere of Transformers, my childhood heroes.

It kicked ass!

I totally adored it and it was just.. so amazing.

You know, I had tears welling up cos I was so excited to relive that childhood of mine.

I sat right at the front row, where there was only me and FF.

Sorry babe, I know you were really bored.

I didn’t think the movie would be my cup of tea, but thanks to Uncle Roy for the invite, and it was fantabulous.

I love it!

My childhood hero was Optimus Prime(in Roy’s words, “Whose wasnt?”), and I was just giggling like I saw some cute little puppy or baby when I saw those Autobots transforming.

It was quite a funny movie, and I don’t know why it just got me so excited.

I loved Transformers as a kid though I couldn’t understand what was really going on.

It is good to finally know, and putting stories to the ‘faces’.

We all talked animatedly and excitedly post-show, that we even thought of the possibility of our phones becoming one of them since they had asked of us to deposit our belongings prior to the show.

We were even slightly disappointed that they didn’t have bikes transforming!

Roy, Brian and I went on to Swensen’s to talk about some of the directions we are heading, and then it got a bit heavy.

But it was some long nice talks with Roy.

***

Avaritia

Greed.

Not exactly.

But when someone had offered to pay for my cab fare home, I ‘cheap-ly’ accepted the terms and conditions to sit through a long night of planning.

I went on to Jalan Kayu to sit down to vet through some sales letter, and then spent hours talking about the points and highlights I need to put down, as well as justifying the strategies which I deem are right, and a must.

All these, just for the cab fare, despite I was all tired, and defeated.

Sigh.

What can I say?

Greed.

***

Acedia

Sloth.

I only woke up at 4pm today.

And it was one of the most fulfilling sleeps I had in a long while.

9 hours of undisturbed, no toilet-breaks, no interruptions, no time-checks sleep.

It was a nice wrap.

Though now, I shall not indulge too much in Sloth, but to move my fat ass to do some cleaning up.

Thanks guys, it was a great night.

After some very embarrassing incident on Monday night(*snigger snigger*), not only did I let down someone, but I also writhed in extreme discomfort due to my tummyache, and puked my guts out right before him. Talk about grace and poise.

The night had to end early, much to his disappointment, and Potato’s Christmas gift didn’t quite maximise its potential.

Anyway, since then, my tummy hasn’t been feeling too well, it would either be churning, or that it feels extremely hollow, and as if something is pressing against my ribs, causing so much discomfort.

A negligible lingering pain could be felt somewhere, and last night’s of tossing and turning seemed to have added to the discomfort. Bleah.

Ah well.

Anyway, my favourite 2 bitches are back. I hope for good.

Oh! Mums&Babes are having a great sale(SALE!SALE!SALE!) coming up on the 29th June, next Friday, so do check out their stores at United Square.

They actually distribute Medela pumps, and with comparisons to other companies which mostly parallel import their pumps, Mums&Babes have a service centre, and all their pumps come with warranty.

Alrighty, my little one is holed up in a little corner of her crib, after she had ‘manja-ed’ a little cos she was tired(Dad’s phone call woke her up this morning, you see).

Her sleeping pattern matches mine, which is not exactly good news. Hahaha. She slept at 2am last night, and was woken up at 11am, thus she is now napping, with her body curled up like a little ball, and her butt sticking out in the air.

I shall now go get changed, and I might bring her to town after the jab whilst waiting for Dad to finish his errands, so he could bring us back to JB.

Her final jab! Hopefully she won’t get a fever, and that she will feel less discomfort this time round.

So if anyone of you is out in town and want to meet up, I am just a buzz away!

I am busy these days.

Quite busy.

I am tired these days.

Quite tired.

While I let the busy-ness drains the energy out of me, I realise how my soul is slowly slipping away too.

An old friend whom I was just thinking about last week found me online, and I am glad.

***

Some sort of devastation is slowly brewing within me, and I would reach my limit pretty soon.

I hope I would kill someone, before I would kill myself.

Uhm, no, not literally.

***

I miss you so much baby.

I saw your pictures from Genting and you have changed so much.

Sometimes, I really wonder what the fuck am I doing with my life, that I am not by your side.

I just realised how wordy I have been these days with barely a hint of pictures.

I know this is not helping, but I finally received the pictures from Nick’s birthday dinner last week.

I looked dishevelled in most of them, pimplish, pale, and auntie-ish and thus, don’t intend to put the pictures up. Muahaha.

Still, this is the group at the dinner that night, and hey! Try to spot where Minibean is!

***

It is funny how I finally concluded season 2 of Grey’s on Sunday, and it was almost instantly that I deleted 20GB of Grey’s, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York from my hard disk.

I only kept CSI Season 7, simply because the miniature killer series was intriguing enough for me to let them linger for a while more.

It’s odd that I didn’t manage to find it within me to want to watch Grey’s third season. Strangely, my favourite characters in the show are actually: Addison, Dr Burke, Cristina, and Dr Bailey. Occasionally Alex.

McWhiny(Meredith) and McDreamy and George are painful to watch. Oh for once the dirty mistresses didn’t worm their ways through my heart except for…. McSteamy.

But ah well, I finally finished it, and I think I am done with the series for a while, and I think the next on my list shall be finishing my CSI: New York Season 1, or perhaps just go ahead with Ghost Whisperer, however loserish it may seem. *Insert girly giggles here*

***

Sometimes I really awe myself with how fast my feelings for things come and go.

I was thinking about CBB and EBB on my way back to JB last night, and I remember there were times I had the ‘pom pom tiao‘ feeling back then, but it was almost like they don’t stay for long, and would dissipate in a snap of fingers.

You know, it is just something that doesn’t feel right, and the comfort level is no longer there before you knew it.

I mean, yes, I do feel comfortable with CBB conversational wise, but we know for sure that we aren’t on the same page with regards to many other things.

Maybe comfort level, is simply not enough.

And yes, I mope about how I want my heart to be set to race, how I want my eyes to be shifty with ample shyness, and the occasional stammers in my denials, but then somehow, I realise I may never feel that way again, because it has all become a game.

I allow myself to do so when I feel like getting all those reactions for a kick, but a shot is all I need, and then, wham-bam, it is back to where it started – to the state that I had refused myself to be such a mushy mess(but oh yes, I know I am still blardy one).

It is like, you are tired and exhausted and you know you need sleep. But you try to fight sleep. Yet when you finally decided you want to sleep, you are still fighting sleep, and you take a sleeping pill to aid you to sleep.

Reason being? You just want to think that you are in control.

And then, you pretend it is all a game.

Oh yes, a pretense.

***

Sometimes I really wonder why I blog the things I blog. Senseless and just.. out of nowhere.

I had wanted to blog about other things and it just got me started.

***

I am like having communications breakdown. My Outlook refuses to boot up and my pac-mail is so flooded with spam(imagine opening it with 60 over mails that try to fool you with ‘hi there’ and stupid whatnots) that it is painful to go through it.

***

I started Monday with lotsa errands.

Running around, and, oh yes, shopping.

I have decided to invest into some moisturiser, cos my skin is getting incredibly dry.

I can’t remember when was the last time I bought skin care(Wenmei and gang, not sure if you guys remember about this Estee Lauder mini-set of stuff you guys got me for my 24th birthday? Oh yes, that is still what I am using! Miniset? For 2 years?! Gee..). And then, the power of persuasion worked on me once more(I hate to be sold and closed but I always do!).

I walked around the entire Takashimaya, clueless, and even the sales people didn’t know how to help me.

If only it was as easy as how I scoot around the 4th floor, and I would easily get my hands full with the ABC VCDs, or the tempting Polo Ralph sweaters, enticing Burberry’s trench coat, seductive Guess miniskirts, and the countless cuteass toys/clothes/baby stuff which are on sale.

Anyway, I took a long while before I splurge my vouchers on some moisturiser from Elizabeth Arden. Dammit. Can’t they come up with something I can use daytime and night-time so it doesn’t involve that much hassles?

Ah well. I got some VCDs for Minibean too!

And… and.. and.. with somemore vouchers to spare, that Polo Ralph sweater and Burberry’s trench coat on sale looks really.. really tempting. She will look soooo cute in them when she goes to Genting this weekend.

Not sure if I can join them, though I am like freaking tempted to try my luck for the first time at the casino. I don’t think they have mahjong there, yuh?

***

I went to get my dress exchanged today. I don’t know why am I so embarrassed by the fact that I have to get it changed.

Anyway, I realised I forgot to blog about how funny it was the last time we were at Pull and Bear and I wore the dress the wrong way round! And the fact that I tried it OUTSIDE the dressing room with so many people watching was just funny, especially when the sales person came up to me, with JD and FF telling me the dress looks nice but a tad too tight, that I had worn it back side front.

Gee.

Oh. And when they got me a new piece yesterday, I found a bigger hole in the side of the dress. The dress and me not fated! I shy-ly informed the lady and she was pretty apologetic and gotten me 2 more pieces to choose from.

I must thank COI for the dress, cos his losings from mahjong over the weekend had meant the dress is FOC.

Whee!

***

I was browsing in the shop when I thought I saw someone who looks vaguely familiar.

Someone whom I last met, say, a year ago or something?

I was wondering if it was her, because she looked slightly meatier(not fat, cos she is skinny to begin with), and I even looked at her shoes to see if she is wearing flats cos I remember her to be slightly taller.

And of course, I wouldn’t expect to bump into her in Pull and Bear… and I was trying to look out for her late-teens daughter cos I would have a better chance of recognising her.

She took a look at me, and it didn’t register, so I thought I got the wrong person.

She went up to write her name to reserve an item, and the curiosity got the better of me as I peeked into the book for her name.

It was an English name, but the surname is unmistakeable.

It must be her.

My sister.

***

Went to meet Brian for some account matters in Orchard after his trip to the bank, and it is great that the bank account is up and running, with the cheque books coming in. So now it is making payment after payment… yadda yadda.

***

Was settling most stuff until I miss my meeting. My boss must be really pissed.

***

I had to run another errand when my supplier informed me he is back from his trip and he had the sample with him.

I had to meet him ASAP so if there is any mistakes or changes, I could rectify it before the bulk comes out.

So…. I missed the meeting with my boss though I had thought of going back later after meeting Brian.

I met up with my uncle at Chinatown People’s Park, and I started to reminisce the old times when my mum and aunt would bring us kids there on weekends, like it is the coolest place to be.

As I walked around there aimlessly, I was wondering to myself who in the world would still come to this place…

And just when the thought flashes past, I bumped into 2 familiar faces… Alvin and Denise!

I looked visibly shock because.. uhm, it’s like, Hello?! It’s not Orchard but People’s Park.

Apparently they are booking to go on a tour together, thus they were there.

After meeting uncle and taking some pictures of the product sample, it was quite a load of the chest, to finally see how the product might turn out fine after all.

Now, it is time to keep fingers crossed.

***

I got back home and felt a strong longing for Minibean.

Called up my Dad and he picked me up at around 11 to head back to JB.

Spent some time with the little one, looking at her crawling and such.

She now knows how to cry for her toys when you snatch them away from her, and, she is just so good at mindgames and emotional blackmail.

Must be from his genes.

But she is also displaying such wits and intelligence, that when she cries, she knows how to fake her cough so that no one has the heart to let her bawl any longer. Her learning curve is speeding up so fast. And the moment you give in to her, she would return a cheeky, bright smile.

So smart. Must be my genes.

It is like, even though she displays brattish demands like crying when not fed fast enough, when you snatch her toys, when she is not carried close to the chest, when she is being ignored, when you purposely taunt her to see her reactions, you would still smile because you know she is learning so fast and this little one is a smart cookie and is superb when it comes to her logical thinking.

Then, it becomes a battle of wits, and the emotional side would give in soon enough for her.

And when you try to let her be and think to yourself how you should let her cry it out till she stops… you will be surprised to learn her stubborness(from Papa) and perseverence(from Mama) is stronger than any adults.

She. Will. Not. Stop.

And the moment you give in, be it in half an hour, or an hour’s time. She would be beaming with a big, wide smile, despite having tears all over her little cutie face, and still sniffing from the intense crying.

How not to love her? Heh.