Today marks the very day Minibean got her first assignment home to do. Mathematic and Phonics.

Nope, I am not the kind of parents who seats my child on a throne of comfort channel-surfing while I try to pass off my handwriting as hers (no moolah for tutors, you see), and after today, I am dreading the days she has homework hereonforth.

I might just break down and cry now since it is foretelling the future decades to come.

***

The little one woke at 7ish, and shook me awake because she was afraid she might miss her school bus.

After I managed to get her to get more rest, she refused to get up when it was time to get ready later in the morning.

Tsk, such a contradiction at such a young age.

Breakfast beckoned after she left, and then I got into a conversation with Dad which will prove to be an attractive option, yet at the same time, my interest in his suggestion actually appalled me.

You see, he was suggesting for us to move, and the area is right in the vicinity of the popular school I would like to get Minibean in.

Oh yes freaking hell, I am actually thinking of getting Minibean into a popular school, what the hell is wrong with meeeeeeee?!

Then again, there are few schools which are more focused on character and moral  building, Chinese teachings.. and from what I heard, is not as stressful as the other popular schools, which are more results-driven. Or maybe information to me is wrong, but so far, it offers the balance I was looking for.

To me, I surprised myself to even entertain the thoughts cos I remember when the others used to try to impose their thoughts on me about not letting Minibean losing out and blarblarblar, I used to get so defensively annoyed, because, seriously, Minibean crawled out of my vijayjay, not theirs.

Just because they too are mothers, and that they assume their ways of drilling their kids at a young age to deal with stress (“they NEED to do this, I got this girlfriend from RGS who didn’t want to stress her boy, then he is a total mess when he got into ACS for Primary 1!“) are very successful cos their kids listen to them don’t mean their way is the only way.

And some like to tell the family what I should do, just because they feel it is their places to say so, because their vijayjays had been more used produced more. Then seriously, China might want to teach France how to make Louis Vuitton their way.

(Totally random, as I am typing this entry, my kindergarten 1 classmate just messaged me over MSN, and he asked me how old is Minibean now. We are squealing over the fact that she is at the age when we first met each other! KNN, this classmate snatched my “number 1″ from me! We can’t believe we were ever that young. Gee…)

What was I saying? Ah. Minibean.

So anyway, I am entertaining my dad’s suggestion and I surprise myself I even entertain such thoughts.

The chat took a while and I was late in meeting Lee and Nick for mahjong all the way in the east, and what a leisurious (leisure + luxurious) noon with good company and good weather!

Rushed back home. Getting Minibean into the showers involved me stripping and showering with her as well, and I wanted to get her homework over and done with before she left for her grans for the weekend.

She did the mathematics one without incident, and then she got totally distracted and tried to wriggle her way out of her homework.

She defiantly started doodling to show her displeasure when her pleas for me to help her out with her homework were met with me explaining to her that this is for school and I won’t do that.

I am not sure if she was bored with the curriculum cos she had done all these at home ages ago and it was too repetitive for her, or she was simply being restless.

She started staring far ahead and not concentrating and tried to run around and blanking me out, until it was more like a workout session than a homework session.

I think she enjoyed it when we used to do it for fun, but when it becomes an obligation, it is in her blood for her to go against it.

Uh oh. Sounds very much like someone I know very well. You know, the person who writes in this blog? I think that’s her.

Yah, unfortunately.

And then it was quite natural for me to feel the same turn-off feeling by the homework, since I was never a fan, and I almost wanted to let her get away with not doing it, then I realised I am not her sister, I am her mother, and then I tried to coerce her into having some feeeeelings towards her homework, like make-belief it is the most fun thing to do in the world, but she’s smart like me, so she didn’t buy any of it.

Well.. at least she finished mathematics, though not by my merits, and she was more interested in me spelling bunny, butterfly and ball for her instead of writing Bs and bs on dotted lines.

(yes, she wanted me to write the Bs for her while she colours the pictures. HELLO, YOUNG LADY! Do I look like I like homework?!)

I fear the next time we have to do homework. Chinese next Tuesday. Keeping fingers crossed. *Whines*

It will get better, ahem, I er.. believe.

***

Minibean is good at doing this rag-doll act whenever she wanna throws a tantrum.

She did it today when she  got cranky without her nap when the grandparents picked her up, as usual, she would get  a tad out of hand whenever grans are around, cos what to do, they tend to think everything is okay and would rather spoil her.

She refused to wear pants underneath a really short dress because she had gone through a growing spurt in these recent months and she didn’t want to take the dress off.

She simply just collapse onto the floor and pretend to be the cursed sleeping beauty and when you carry her, she just goes limp like a rag doll and refused to respond to us.

She never quite has any problems saying goodbye, but today she cried non-stop even though she was heading out, and maybe the new school schedule (she used to reach home at 2.45pm, but now she only gets home at 4.30pm) takes a bit of getting used to.

Nonetheless, despite her tiny episodes, she has grown to be quite a sensible, loving, darling, especially when grans are not around.

***

I am looking forward to some me-time and catching up on series and blogging tonight before the new week starts.

***

I blogged till the above when I fell into a slumber. Drools, dreams and all. This 9+pm nap thing is really getting to me, isn’t it?

I had a really vivid dream which saw me forcing myself to wake, because I got such a fright, and it felt too real.

Sounds like one of those scary dreams I used to have.

The scary part is that, in the dream, it was the exact scenario as it was when I fell asleep. I was sleeping in the same position, hearing the same background, and SBB was doing whatever he was doing. So my body and mind was fooled into thinking it was the reality, and it WAS happening.

In the dream, Minibean was watching SBB playing the Xbox 360, and it was one of those moments I opened my eyes and found her sitting there.

Too tired to realise that she was already away for the weekend, I thought it was the reality.

I remember she somewhat turned to me, gave her cheeky smile, and then cheerily announced with plenty of gusto, “KANINA CHEEB.. (well you get the drift, it just seems wrong to type that my baybeeehhh said that)!” and it stunned the both of us, and apparently she had repeated it because one of us (probably me. BUT IN THE DREAMS OKAY, NOT IN REAL LIFE) had said it without realising she was around.

I was in so much shock that she was saying it, and that I actually woke up from the fright, relieved that it was just a bloody dream. Tell me it isn’t a nightmare, freaking hell!

Did I mention the other day she started saying “SHHHHHHIIITTTTTT!” like it was such a cutie word? Oh dear me.

I should start taking the MRT instead of driving her around.

I used to wonder how would I react if I hear her pick up curse words from school (no one swears in front of her!) or the playground, I thought I would laugh it off and guide her the right path and remind her one day when she grows up, maybe I’m just PMS-sy but I am so TOTALLY FREAKING OUT right now just because of the dream.

Someone better Xanax-ed me or knock me out with a club. Tsk.

***

Did I mention this afternoon when she was doing her homework, she was picked up by a boy?

She was checking the date on the handphone to find out today’s day and date to write on her assignment.

Suddenly the phone buzzed to life with an incoming message which says, “Daddy ritchell don’t want to borrow me her calculator!”

I realised it was a wrong message and thought it was quite funny when Minibean asked me who it was and the person called back.

The person then messaged to say sorry wrong message, and when the person called back again, Minibean picked up the phone and the 2 kiddos had the funniest phonecall ever.

“Hello..  what is your name?” the boy asked.

“My name is Charissa…”

Then Minibean turned a little shy and started to giggle and reply a little softer, and the boy thought he was talking to Lisa. The boy sounded about 9 (tsk, want to cheat using the calculator already huh?), and then Minibean started saying “you messaged wrongly!”

“Yah I know!” Eh, then why he called back ah?

They started talking in kiddo terms for maybe about 5 minutes, and then the killer question came in.

“You how many years old?” he asked.

“3 become 4!” Minibean cheerily replied.

“You 4 ah?” he wasn’t quite hearing it well, so after clearing up the air, he finally got what Minibean was trying to say.

After Minibean said yes….

….. the coward hung up immediately without saying bye!

!!!!!!!!!!!! The audacity. But I think this was the first time a stranger chatted up Minibean, and I thought that was the cutest thing ever (only because he was just a little boy!). If this happens 10 years later, KNN, see what happens to the boy lah!

Boys ah, all like that one ah? But okay lah, he knows how to stay away from jailbait.

Okay, not bad for my consistency for updating about the new year for me. Let’s hope I maintain the momentum and not fall into the temptation of doing all things chillaxing without Minibean around!

I probably am emotionally-overloaded now.

This is what happens when fatigue takes over and you went to bed by 9.30pm, and your body took it as a nap and you are now up at an ungodly hour after failing to lull your body back to sleep again.

Today (okay, technically yesterday – 6th Jan) marks the first day of Minibean’s kindergarten days, and even though she had been in the same school for her nursery 2 for a good half of last year, I still couldn’t help feeling like a panicky mum.

It is also the day I retire from chauffeuring duties and she is put onto the school bus.

Her hours are longer (fees are much higher, bleargh), and something just felt different.

She is such a grown up now, I worry the day she meets her first boyfriend.

She went on the bus without incident, got up, and got strapped in, waved and didn’t even look back when the school bus turned out of the car porch.

“That’s it?” I said morosely.

Why? Do you expect the school bus to linger for like half an hour so you can sniff and wail your goodbyes?

Gee, my daughter is cooler than me when it comes to saying goodbye.

Thankfully the school bus driver was the one who left a very good impression on me when Minibean first started school, he was always sweet (not the creepily so kind), had a way with children and helped out during the assembly to soothe crying kiddos. Honestly, I was damn happy when I saw he was the one sending Minibean to school amongst all the other bus drivers. It helps that his name is Uncle Ting. Hurhur.

Quickly got back home and change and drove down to her school to see her settling in, though along the way a fellow parent who was such a rude bugger at the carpark that he actually stared at me when I let him past when he didn’t want to give me way to reverse park, even though my hazard lights were on for a very long time.

Mr No Manners, I don’t expect courtesy out of you if you don’t have the decency to give some, even when you were behind me, you came right next to me and block my way when my hazard lights were on for a while (the car behind you actually had the courtesy to stay a long way behind so I could park), but I really think when you were trapped behind the other cars and stopped next to me, you didn’t have to stare at me as if you were going to bash me up when I moved to give you way. No courtesy, it’s okay, I don’t take for granted everyone has it, but the staring? I hope your child is not in the same class as Minibean.

From the way I was waving my byes from the windows and flying kisses, the new teacher expressed surprise when she knew she was not exactly new.

Must be thinking “then why mother still so kiasu?!”

She has 2 Nixon’s as classmates, and a Korean (I hope he is cute), and what’s with some names parents give their children these days? Then again, I shan’t complain much when the paper barely had space to contain her full name, which by the way is longer than the alphabet (oh.. are they going to learn writing their names soon…? Hmm..).

I still felt the same way I did the first time I sent her to school last year.

I watched her from afar, and it was only after she settled down, and was walking behind the pack as the teachers led them to wash their hands (I was silently worried she didn’t have a partner, but she was quick to grab the hand of a young boy.. a go-getter this one. Then I immediately thought ‘how dare you hold another boy’s hands and walk away from right under our noses like we didn’t matter? Pardon me.. I’m a mum!), and her good friend from her nursery class came over to grab her away from the boy.

I left unwillingly. I might have camped there at the corridor filled with anxious parents, looking into the glassed classrooms like it was an aquarium of their baby fishes learning to swim.

Went to IMM for lunch and rushed home in the rain feeling all tired from the lack of sleep.

I am not kidding when I say I sprinted down when her school bus arrived, and wanted to carry her, but thought that might embarrass her.

She replied “Everything I like!” when I asked her what she did in school today, and I hope she keeps this up for the next 17 – 20 years to come hurhurhur.

I decided to decorate her exercise book for communication purpose a little.. and looked through the notes and timetable from the teachers, only to realise she is going to get homework twice a week.

I could have fainted right there and then. You mean my baby is old enough to do homework?! I feel a little bad that I got her into this, but I decided to get over it cos I probably will feel this way for the next 17 – 20 years.

Got her showered and fed before putting her to sleep and she was sleeping so soundly in the rainy late noon, so I could actually cook for her without much incident.

Didn’t manage to get the nap I so craved before I made my way out for pole lessons, and ended up trapped in the horrid jam in Jurong till it was time for pole.

Then with a heavy bladder, I tried to make my way back home cos I’d be too late for the lesson anyway, and I reached home at 7pm (and I stay not far from where I was caught in the jam!) when my lesson started at 6.30pm.

The moment I got back home, didn’t wanna waste time so I made steak for the family, without a recipe, and dare I say it turned out quite fine!

I actually dug out sweet beans, potatoes, eggs, and threw in some condiments which made the steak turned out rather good with my guesstimation.

Coerced Minibean to finish a large bowl of porridge, larger than one I could finish myself, and she was treated with Jaffa cakes (running low on supply so sharing with her is a big sacrifice on my part, hahaha! And now she claims it is her favourite, not mine!) and Kinder Joy (which I bought last night out of guilt that she was starting school, and my Dad must be feeling really guilty cos he actually came home with 3!) which pretty much made her day.

She pooped. She drank water. And I was actually knocked out cold from the tiredness from the day.

She went to bed on time and without fuss after her usual stories (I wish she will stop requesting for Goldilocks!), and thank you for taking over when I needed it most.

I actually really love a great day like this.

Woke up from nap with a long chat with Cheyenne, that got me excited till I can’t go back to sleep. Tsk!

***

Decided to make another trip into Jaybee on Wednesday noon with Lee and Edmund, and thought it was quite a cool and spontaneous adventure to have.

I don’t feel as much guilt as I displayed my full auntie traits before them. Haha!

It was a nice afternoon spent with friends I adore, before rushing back for dinner so I could pick Minibean up.

On our way back, Edmund and I witnessed a magnificent display of a spider web of lightning, right before our eyes, like the entire sky was cracking apart. Lee was rubbing her eyes that split second and missed ALL OF IT!

It was a noon of cheapthrills, and I enjoy being in the company of people who appreciate my quirks for cheap thrills like this!

I managed to strike off a couple of things on my to-do-list (WTF! I actually draft up one when I never ever needed one!) after doing a couple of errands, and, that made me happy.

Oh. Totally random. Was looking for my favourite white shirt dress when it went MIA on me. I resorted to praying just to find it, which really says a lot about my desperation. Magnified with PMS hormones, I actually was so elated that I nearly teared when I finally found it today!

I spent 2 hours doing ALL ironing, going through pants and a grand total of 16 shirts after putting Minibean to bed when I got home after picking her up. Funny how I would rather iron Dad’s clothes and Minibean’s uniforms than to iron my dresses.

All laundry done, and I even managed to mop the floor once everyday. I am not sure why I take joy in fussing around the house when she is sleeping but I guess it is productive and therapeutic in a way, like an outlet of me-time, yet at the same time, she motivates me to do a lot of more things out of my comfort zone.

I know days like this probably have to come to an end for practical reasons, so the more I need more days like this.

Piece of advice. Do not wear cute underwear with cartoon prints. Your child might find it very fascinating to lift your skirt to keep looking at it.

***

Remind me to talk about Minibean rapping. Okay I am reminding myself here.

***

Remind me to talk about Shangri-La.

Remind me to talk about pretty dresses.

Remind me to talk about the phone.

Remind me to talk about Dad’s birthday.

Remind me to talk about the beautiful weddings.

Actually, I probably don’t need reminders to how beautiful the start of 2011 has been.

I hope it will set the pace for a better year than the last, and though we may not constantly be happy every day which makes happy new year a tad redundant, but may this year, better the last for all you peeps.

I feel as if my world had been turned upside down by fatigue for the past week, and found it almost impossible to gather much physical nor mental strength to do almost anything.

Alas, it was a hectic week and thank goodness for auto-pilot mode that pulled me through, and in the midst, a tiny break was planned and I am just glad I could get away for a while for a spontaneous trip that is… nothing short of packed and hectic too.

Monday went by with a meeting in the afternoon, a walk in Raffles City, drinks with the chaps at Ang Mo Kio, before a dinner in.

It was also the evening where she had her first fitting for her very first experience as a flower girl at a wedding few days short of her 4th birthday.

Strict instructions were given not to pass her nor the page boy any bling to take care of, or it might set off a very distressing search during the event.

Since the church doesn’t allow any flower throwing, she would probably have to slow march (Minibean is known to NOT take things slow) prim and proper-ly, and honestly, it is a challenging task ahead, and you hear it from her mother, no less.

And coincidentally, the dress is in her favourite colour – purple.

Though it was custom-made for her a few months back, and she had since grew a little. The can-can was a little too loose, so alteration had to be done.

She was a little shy and went off to a corner to pose.

Uhm… okay…

And the smart one had brought up that she doesn’t really have a pair of shoes to pair off this, and had requested for a pair of black “kok kok” shoes (yes, she wants heels, like seriously?!).

Think this is her feeble attempt at being “high fashion“.

Will update on how her first walk down the aisle goes, so it would be a good gauge for the others who are also thinking of hiring her for the same purpose would not regret their decisions heh.

I could hardly sleep well on Monday night for so many things that were filtering in and out of my mind, and mostly leaving a bad taste in my mouth with the worries they brought.

***

Was just glad everything fell into place and went on smoothly on Tuesday after lunch with Joly in town.

Mum was then back in Singapore after a long hiatus where I had gained so much peace that her arrival was something that brought much apprehension.

I fell into a nap that robbed me of my evening, though I did manage to do some planning and all, but seriously, where did all my energy get sucked to?

***

Had a nice lunch with Oldlee at Anchorpoint, and did the usual errands. It was also the very day I actually had this urge to call up to ask about availability of tickets, cos I was aware how much I actually needed a short getaway.

There were actually tickets, and I could go on a semi-solo holiday! Hesitated for a while, but did a tentative booking.

Got back home and tried to stay awake so I could have an early night for an event on Thursday.

But fatigue took over and I fell asleep at 8pm, and woke up when it was only 10ish. Seriously?!

So supper beckons and got nostalgic on the animated discussion of the “numerological” gangs of the past making their quite epic (fail) comeback.

And suddenly, I realised in the past what I would laugh off as silly, juvenile, has overtaken by the fact that I was wondering if this was the society Minibean was gonna be growing up in, where people would just assume choppers are the solution to problems and an icepack to their bruised egos, and thinking they can get away with it.

It was pretty ridiculous what some of the murderers’ friends had said on facebook, twitter, where they think a life lost was what the victim deserved. They failed to realise it was not sympathy to the victim, who might have his own wrongdoings, that made people feel the need for the murderers to be punished severely.

It was the fact that the murderers think other lives are worthless like these people online, and can be taken away as and when they like just to make a statement. If you guys think the chap deserved to die, then I could say same thing about those who are arrested deserve the death penalty too. Pretty much eliminate the rage to show that there is no room for such violence nor pettiness, and the stupidity of youngsters who think this is the only way to show they are macho-ness, when in fact, no one really cares, except those who really want to get rid of them.

And those friends who mocked the judicial system just because of their own narrow-mindedness (which is, to comment only when such happened to their own friends, and also brought up how “Singapore is a FINE country” with stupid laws in their justification how Singapore should abort the death penalty for their friends, seriously?!), and challenged the public as to who had the last laugh (to say those who are for the death penalty and spoke out online are just dogs who are just stupid cos everyone deserves a 2nd chance and he believes his friends will be safe and he would laugh at the others’ faces when they are freed).

And their friends all fail to see how this case has a huge social impact in a different way, that a precedence is likely to be set to curb the egos of the gangs out there. Many were assured and frivolous in their exchanges on public facebook walls that it would just be a simple charge of unlawful carrying of weapons and unlawful assembly and they would be fine.

Then they took it out on the deceased. They took it out on the Singapore government and what they deem are stupid laws. They took it out on the media for trying to hide truth (seriously, the conspiracy theory is laughable, hahaha not because I don’t believe media is not capable of that, but in this case..?). They took it out on the “online dogs”. They took it out on anything.

I am not sure what to think. That everyone has downplayed using violence and hacking to solve a problem, or that the youngsters think murder is child’s play? I just think it is natural that people want to protect friends, and they are right to hope for best, but to be irrationally taking out on everyone……. that just makes everyone else thinking the only way to make an example, is to hang those youngsters.

This was taken as a screenshot without mentioning who was the one who posted this. It was from a girl, an ex-classmate of one of the accused, who doesn’t look as if she is gang-related in any way.. but it is just saddening to see that when something like this happens, for a regular youngster, it was about all the wrong things (whether the victim is handsome?! Gosh!).

And.. yes we might not know what did Darren Ng do, to “ask for it” to the point you think “it serves him right“, but if you know, do share the story, because I am not sure if any story is good enough for anyone to buy that killing someone in cold blood in a public place with families and crowd is a justifiable action.

Even paedophiles and serial murderers who did wrongs did not get such from victims’ families.. so, really?

Then going by the theory, does that mean Darren Ng’s family would be right to send a sniper to kill them off when they are released from jail, should they be acquitted? Or that it would give the exactly right reasons for the other gang to revenge, no? Then, it will be a vicious cycle that makes this country no longer a safe one for anyone.

2 wrongs don’t make one right.

But I just feel damn old, though I have few friends who mentioned how it would have been a path they would have been taken, but at least they said they were glad they were not clouded by stupidity, and how it was a phase they had eventually outgrown. Truth is, either way, no one would walk away a hero from this.

The evening was made interesting with my trolling the net looking for the chants of various numbers that made me laugh at the nostalgia of it all.

Couldn’t sleep. Even when I crawled into the bed at 5ish, the 1001 things floating in my mind in between flashes of consciousness.. it was such torture!

***

It was 7ish when I had to wake up and feel little traces of grogginess, thank goodness.

Event was early in the east and at least it was nice and fuss-free and I managed to stay alert and awake throughout.

Feeling such restlessness, I decided to confirm my trip to get away from it all.

And I immediately felt a little lighter!

Then, when the news came in the noon of the Qantas plane, Christian and I were discussing how scary it would have been for the passengers.

To think yesterday on Friday, another flight encountered the same problem, with some of the passengers from Thursday in it (cos it was heading to Sydney too)! I think I would be freaking out and thinking about Final Destination man.

Christian was saying how Qantas would be hit real hard, and I suggested the possibility of Airbus (Rolls Royce) taking the hit too, and gee, the news of Rolls Royce taking a $1b hit today was evident it took a hit larger than we expected.

Then before I knew it, A380s were halted to go through thorough checks.

And did I mention I would be flying on an A380 too? Gulp. No good for my usual flight jitters.

But am just glad everyone was safe.

Went for a relaxing facial after the event in late noon, and the therapist was awesome though her skills left little to be desired.

She was not as good as my usual therapist (in fact her skills was really bad), but she made up with her niceness, giving me a massage room where I could use the body massager as she did facial for me, and she even gave me a shoulder massage and told me not to tell her sales person, who I remember to be like an irritating shark.

Nonetheless, it was a nice, relaxing session which I had craved.

I went to studio early to find myself so drowsy that I just fell asleep on one of the mattresses and napped, only to wake up feeling so totally groggy that I could barely stay awake.

Left studio for a talk session with Oldlee, James and Edmund at Elizabeth Park, and nearly fell into the water when a darn, fat cockroach ran past me, right before me, and thankfully didn’t crawl up my butt cos I was sitting down.

Supper at Lau Pat Sat, and I was just glad to be home safe.

***

Was a pretty nice day to sleep in though it didn’t happen until I manage to make Minibean napped in late noon.

Then once I napped, I could barely get up.

Somebody got to explain this fatigue to me.

Minibean challenged parenthood on Friday, and after more than an hour of dinner-feeding, we finally managed to leave home to join Naiveguy, Barffie, Ed, Cheyenne, Oldlee, King Meng and James at Lee’s place.

Caught the Walking Dead premiere, and it looked kinda promising. I dozed off despite the lengthy nap I had, before Mythbuster even finished its introduction to its latest episode.

And I am beginning to get a little panicky for the 101 things I have set out to do.

Okay, boring recap, and you wonder why there were so little posts. I think I am still pretty high from fatigue. Ting, out.

I could barely function today and had to summon all the concentration I could find back to my soul so that I could send Minibean to school this morning.

I was kinda drained, really. And it didn’t help that I have so much random thoughts overloading my mind that it hopped from one reminder to another.

When I got home, I went round and round the estate, simply because I couldn’t remember which block I stayed at. I went past my block and then I actually took 10 seconds to mumble to myself “XX block.. XX block. I think.. eh! My block! XX block, er, right?” cos I wasn’t even sure if I got the correct block.

And those who had been to mine, would know that it is almost impossible for me to quite forget where I stay. I was just glad to get home safe eventually, and it speaks volume how drunk I was from this delirium.

Couldn’t find much within me to get things out of the way today, but I think I am doing pretty fine though getting my hands on the mop or getting myself into the showers prove to be a major challenge now.

2 more hours to squeeze in whatever I need to do before I have to come back to rush an assignment which is already due, er, this morning.

This post is a further illustration of my determination to procrastinate.

When I was all alone at home today, I was literally whimpering to myself, which was perhaps made worse for the cockroach-infested dream I had during the nap. Not funny when I saw 3 scurrying past my path when I walked to the carpark after that.

*Whines and sulks*

Nonetheless, a major surprise that I managed to not miss out anything today, and am prepared for another long, long night.

***

It was a Sunday morning.

She wrapped herself in the quilt blanket, grabbed and hugged her baby pillow and ran to the next room when the thunder suddenly struck at 5am in the morning.

The thunder came as a surprise and it didn’t help that a side lamp was on as she slept.

Basically, she woke everyone in the house up when she threw the room door open with the whimper… “thunder…”

Then she shrimped up and sulked in fright and snuggled up close to Minibean.

Minibean’s mummy is such a wuss.

Minibean even waited till I finished pee pee cos I didn’t dare to go cos of the thunder.

*Smacks head*

I slept and slept and slept and slept and retreated to the next room at 10 in the morning after getting enough kicks in the face by Minibean.

I probably only slept for an hour before thunder struck after starting on another new book. It was almost 3pm when I woke up, feeling flu-ish. When I tucked Minibean to nap at 5pm, I actually fell back into a long nap till 7pm.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that when I couldn’t sleep and ended up reading till 4am on Sunday night.

A nice little episode happened in the evening which had the little one praying for an item that was lost and cannot be found.

Strangely, this is the 3rd time she has done this when things are nowhere to be found.

And like the previous 2 times, it was found within a few minutes after her prayers. Sometimes, it is just too strange.

But her sweetness came through when she said that “Don’t worry okay? You cannot find Blueberry I buy you a Strawberry phone, I got money now!” because her new saving system allow her to buy her own stuff and she thinks her coins are a lot a lot a lot of money. As you would have guessed, it was a Blackberry phone that was misplaced.

Such a sweetheart.

***

Monday morning was a mad rush to send her to school before I made my journey to the east for a freelance job which started at noon.

It felt quite awesome to feel useful again, or rather, to reach my fingertips out to the society again.

Was speaking to a chap whose parents stopped supporting him since he turned 18, because they believe he has to work for his own moolah to study and he should be responsible for his own life.

As expected, there is no guarantee that this will train independence and as much as I think it is pretty cool for his parents to do that cos there are simply too many mummy’s boys and spoilt brats around, I can’t help but wonder can the Singaporean men survive such upbringing when they try to compare with their peers, and they fail to find a connection and the only other way they can search are those who are left to fend for their own cos they have no choice.

I was perhaps marvelling at such ideas, until I couldn’t locate nor identify any sense of maturity I am looking for that says that he has the control of the responsibility given to him.

He is still very much a boy, a nice one too and a good company, who tries too hard to grow up too fast, and yet there is an naive air in him that is impossibly childlike (read: not childish). There is still so much more besides the easy ways out and we all know Singapore is not a place for that.

When everything was over, there was 2 things I was thankful for.

My dad who helped to babysit Minibean because my mum was throwing some kind of tantrum and decided to go on a total cold war with everyone and refused to come to Singapore. No biggie. We can manage.

My dad was just happy to spend some time with Minibean alone and I just love to see the interaction between them because it reminds me so much of the childhood I shared with my dad.

My dad showered Minibean and let her pooped, put her to sleep and brought her out to town to meet us before he had a function to attend.

I was also thankful for smooth traffic so I wasn’t quite delayed.

Dinner was at Somerset 313. I had objected to Orchard Central because of the horrible carpark.

I cursed as I realised 313′s carpark was no better.

Dinner was at Marche, and we sat next to the children’s play space named Heidi Home, and Minibean was quickly taken in by the pole.

For obvious reasons.

But it was also at this place that the mystery happened.

Minibean was playing here and there was a toddler who was also playing with the pole. After he left, a much older Caucasian girl played with Minibean in this area, and there was plenty of running and excited squeals going around.

Nonetheless, Minibean looked like she was having plenty of fun, especially on the pole.

She insisted I took pictures as she twirled, swung, slided on the pole.

She was even trying to do a back arch on the pole, learn from who one I wonder.

She even hooked one leg on the pole…

The little play space is very charming, and there is even little benches inside it.

Minibean was having plenty of fun and was laughing throughout as we had dinner, and so we didn’t think anything was wrong.

This gotta be my favourite picture and I think she is almost building biceps. When she got down after hanging there for a while, she slid down and then told me how painful it is for her thighs, before I gave her the “Now you know the pain I got from pole dancing!” look.

It was great seeing her having so much fun and it was a nice evening out. And I was seriously considering how viable it is to have something like this at home for her, and I could make good use of the pole too, haha.

When we got home finally, I showered together with her and had a rude shock when I saw a red mark on her back. Initially I thought it was one of those imprinting mark from something she had leaned on, but then on close inspection, it wasn’t.

It led to a debate of if it was a bruise or a rash. Then the elders suggested us to dilute a cotton bud with water, put a bit of dettol and then dilute it. We did as told and Minibean complained of pain.

It was a mark, estimated by the doctor to be 5cm x 10 cm, covering almost a quarter of her back when it isn’t stretched.

It didn’t go away after an hour and  I started to get worried. I mean, as much as I TRY not to be those paranoid mums and sending Minibean to the doc’s anyhow-ly when the mozzy bites (sheesh, I always thought I would be one of those cool ones you know?!), it started to gnaw on me, not knowing what it was.

We brought her to the doctor and she refused to shed any light. Went to KK cos it was perhaps the cheapest alternative compared to 24 hour clinics. The staff are actually very lovely. But the shock was that it was actually packed to the brim.

When the doc finally saw us, he too was amused and perturbed by the mark and said it is certainly a bruise.

When he said it was a bruise upon impact, the words just brought a surge of sourness to the nose and I started to feel teary.

I do not know how it happened, and it felt like a terrible failure that it happened over dinner and we have no idea how it came about.

She clung on to me as the doctor got a 2nd opinion and they expressed worry that such an impact on her near the kidney, so she was prescribed an X-ray and I was prescribed the task to collect her urine.

I had to go into the radiology room together with her and she refused to let go of me, but she did listen and go through with it without fuss pretty promptly. Just that the urine collection was a tad more candid when she peed for only 1 second and I missed the collection.

Coaxed her a little more and finally got the urine sample and both are cleared.

She said the caucasian girl had pushed her and she fell, but I am not sure just a simple fall could be like this. And she did not even wince or complain about any pain after she fell.

It was 3am when we finally got back and the day took its toll on her and she fell asleep before even changing.

When changing her and wiping her down, I saw the bruise and felt the sourness surging to my nose again.

It really breaks your heart. And that’s perhaps the closest description I have for the upset feeling that weighs down so heavily and I had trouble sleeping.

May never find out why she had the bruise and so many scenarios came to mind and there is just a feeling like I fail to look after her properly. Ai yah, so complicated, don’t know how to explain. It is not the extremely depressed, beat myself up kinda way, just eh, hmm I don’t know how to explain also.

Get well soon, honey bunny.

***

Alrightly, it seems like I have successfully avoided a much needed shower and have to rush off for dinner and pole class now.

It was one of those days I managed to chill for a bit more while Minibean attended her once-a-week in-school Chinese enrichment class.

After I picked her up from her class in a breezy afternoon, scented by the rain, we did the usual routine of:  Get home take off shoes. Take of socks. Put down school bag. Take out water bottle for mummy to wash. It will then be followed by running through her communication booklet together with her, before she would sometimes share with me what she learns in school.

She was pretty eager today with her chinese enrichment reading text. She seems to love English more than Chinese, but she seems to pick up chinese must easier.

So she flipped to her text, and showed me what she learnt today.

I nearly choked on my saliva when I saw it. Cos instantaneously, I just caught…. something.

Something just seems so wrong. That I immediately MMS it to my twitter account.

Yes, this is what they are learning in nursery, and I had tried hard to stifle a snigger when I read everything.

(For those who don’t understand/read chinese, this is how it is loosely translated…)

Little Girl Han: Quick papa, quickly do it with me! Index finger, index finger, get it up!

Papa Han: Index finger, index finger, get it up!

Girl: Thumb, thumb, get it up!

Papa: Thumb, thumb, get it up!

Girl: Middle finger, middle finger, get it up!

Papa: Middle finger, middle finger, get it up!

Girl: Ring finger, ring finger, get it up!

Papa: Ring finger, ring finger… papa cannot get it up lah, I’m getting old already!

I thought I was the only one who raise my eyebrows, cos it is so wrong on so many levels! Then after I posted it.. it seems like most of my friends do have their minds deep in the gutter. Their minds also strayed!

And ah, I am glad I am no longer a chinese teacher, or else if I receive such text I would howl with laughter and probably cannot recite it to the class and lose my job for good.

So I feel better about myself now. HAHAHA.

***

Napped the late afternoon away with her after getting the laundry done. Since I had prepped her porridge earlier in the noon, I could actually take a rest together with her so I could stay awake for Gossip Girl/How I met your mother and my book later.

Got my renewal of credit cards done (which means making the calls to shamelessly ask for waiver), and received the dreaded letter…. for the annual fees of my insurance policy.

Okay, enough to propel me to want to do something. Like travel before my money all goes to bills. Hmphf.

I have since finished the first to the millennium series yesterday noon, just before I rushed to pick her up, and was so glad that I managed to sneak in other chores and did some supermarketing with her just for some us-time.

Was heading to the carpark when we saw an old man with staggered steps walking into the lift we came out of.

I looked on with admiration. It was Mr Chiam See Tong, and I almost wanted to say hi but thought it would be too intrusive. He is the only one opposition who truly impresses me and I think he is a good person with raw dedication and passion. Sometimes you just can sniff a good heart from miles away.

Totally random but he is a Piscean too.

Made dinner and I like the tomato base baked pasta better than the creamy one I made the last time round. Thankfully I made servings for 4, which turned out to be just right.

Minibean finished her massive bowl of porridge filled to the brim and asked for pasta too. It was 8.45pm when pasta and dinner was over.

And then she had 3 bottles of water.

I was pretty worried when it was barely half an hour later when she asked for a full feed of milk (200ml).

Then less than an hour later, she asked for 2nd feed of milk.

And then less than an hour later, another feed of milk.

She had one feed plus a full load of water before she went to sleep.

Is she hormonal like her mother too?! Thankfully she isn’t 14 or else I will be very worried by her sudden appetite.

But I think I should start to get very worried over food and milk powder. Tsk, high-maintenance babe I have in da house!

The consolation is, her concept of money is better these days after we have taught her how to save and she will bring her little purse out to buy “special things” to pamper herself.

The other day she got herself a carebear magazine, the first she has bought with her own savings.

I had said I wanted a bag, and she told me she has lotsa money these days and she can buy for me, and she doesn’t need me to buy her anything anymore.

But I don’t know how many 10 cents it will take, and if she would have the strength to lug the coins into Chanel. Ahem.

I have a confession.

I have a major issue with comfort zone, and find myself having the inability to fit in.

That’s not my confession.

But that inept/inapt in me is what I fear. For far too many times, I find myself at the other end of the spectrum of being who I wanna be around someone because… I just react what is expected out of me, or I am too afraid to let the real me come out. Sometimes I feel like when I am around people I am too nervous to be around, I ended up being too withdrawn, too remote, or simply too over-the-top because I was afraid of the quietness and awkwardness that might seep in.

“He must think I am such a bimbo. He must think I am so screwed up. He must think…. Isn’t it good that he thinks I am this way and he is filtered out of my life for good? His choice, not mine.” is sometimes what runs through my mind.

I am not an endearing person, never have been, and sometimes wonder if I try to, can I ever be.

I just don’t fit in.

I still have the fear of walking in crowds, as an unknown sense of shame just overwhelms me.

I can manage to break out of that once in a while and be that clown that doesn’t come across as too remote, but more often than not, I ended up recharging in my own safe haven before finding the courage to do so again.

Is that why Mr KG once commented how erratic I am? For I swing between extremes of.. who I wanna be, who I can be.. and who I can’t stop being…?

I remember once I was at a meetup with some friends and acquaintances. They were quick to judge, quick to write off, quick to assume.. someone I know in the group was quick to morph into someone that was too quick to impress, too eager to seek that attention, when he failed to take the cue as a mockery coming from them. Instead, it was thought they were really interested. And what I saw from the outside was something truly sad.

They then turned to me, since I was a common friend, and made conversations that were evident that they were talking about what they thought was a funny entertainment, and were condescendingly talking to me in the same way.

I just put on the bimbo act expected out of me and played along. They thought it was sad and was out to humiliate, they got what they want. But I just wondered who was sadder. That I knew they were like that, or that I had allowed them to think that I am what they perceived.

Okay, I know the answer. I am. Bleargh.

Anyway.

So, that’s not my confession.

My confession is. I am afraid. I am afraid that I have to make friends with fellow mums and parents outside the circle of my friends who are mums and parents.

I get nervous everytime I see someone in school who tries to strike a conversation. Be it be Minibean’s classmate’s maid, grandma.

At this moment, I probably know only a handful of familiar faces.

I get jittery and refuse to make eye contact when the teachers speak to me. I really would rather they don’t, yet when they do, I know they are trying to include me and I appreciate that.

Don’t be mistaken. My fear is not from detest nor I-think-I-am-better-than-you-way.

I am afraid that I will be judged for who I am or who they think I am or am not that a dislike for me might mount.

Which is pretty much who I already am in real life with that strange, warped fear… but I have learnt to cope with it by just.. staying within my comfort zone as and when I want it, which thankfully, people around me know me well enough to respect and understand it.

Let’s face it, there are many people out there who are out to dislike for no reason, and I just think it could be something that’s just human.

Think of a celebrity you don’t like. Why do you not like? Just a feeling? Like how I see Felicia Chin or Raymond Lam and would feel a great distaste and annoyance? And even disgust from nowhere?

But this is different.

I asked myself if I dread going to Minibean’s school because it reminded me of a difficult childhood of feeling out of place most of the time.

I realise the dread is more of if the day comes, and inevitably I have to mingle with mums for the sake of doing so (well, many mums have already told me the importance of PR-ing with other mums and the politics behind it is pretty interesting, albeit absolutely silly in my honest opinion), or that it was expected out of me, or that Minibean might run into trouble with her vivacious personality which might be overwhelming for some parents/children.

You never know what kind of funny parents are out there. I have met some really.. out of this world one in my teaching stint a decade ago. And we know how things will only get worse, not better in this past decade.

Especially when the family is having their opinions about a good, reputable primary school and blarblarblar, you know the works and all those not-so-bullshit.

I do not believe in good schools for the academic and the pressure and cookie-cutter result-pushing in cold-hearted manner. But a friend who matter once told me that what he had gained from his academic background, is the network that is precious.

I have to stop in my tracks and think beyond my resentment for those result-oriented schools (which was from my bad experience with River Valley High), and have to conceit that what he said was correct. Maybe I was lucky that most of my friends are never brats and I get very valuable friendships which are beyond what benefits they could could bring me.

And hahaha, good school less cute schoolboys with bad-boy appeal, so I can worry less. I just have to pray my liking for nerds was not passed down through DNA.

Anyhoooooooo.

The dread.

The dread of one day I would have to mingle. The dread of one day which parent might strike a conversation and decide to judge. The dread of… that judgment might lead to the ostracism of Minibean in school.

I know I am just being paranoid.

But maybe school just has such effect on me to feel so strongly about rejection and isolation.. and it was something I never want my child to go through, and is not something I could possibly control.

***

I had 4 classes of elementary pole yesterday, when I was one of those who helped out in the certification of the 4 instructors in the studio… and my idea of helping out was probably to lie there on the floor and pretend to be the CPR dummy, but apparently it was full class of pole with warm up, tricks, choreography, exercises and cool down.

Okay, the 4th lesson was actually the pole trial which I decided to sit in but good to revise the basics and tweak it to pole-fection, methinks.

And I had my 2nd jab of Cervical cancer vaccination done yesterday (I know! I was supposed to go back after one month but was too busy and whenever I wanna make my way down, the fear for Tampines drew me back!), and learnt of the difference between Gardasil and Cervarix.

I went to Dr Leslie Tay’s clinic, and this time since I was alone, fan girl nervousness just overwhelmed me and nearly wanted to ask him where can I go for lunch cos I was so hungry, and I bet he would have some pretty good recommendations. When I see him, I will automatically think of the food pictures of his ieatishootipost blog. Then I was very hungry.

He told me the arm wouldn’t ache post-jab, and it really didn’t ache as much as others had claimed it to be, which actually means I managed to survive 4 hours of pole. I shall not say how I feel a bit cheated when he coaxed me that there wouldn’t be any aches and I could feel the ache seeping in, slowly but surely.

Eunice had nagged me to listen to her and get the jab on my bum but I think I also shy to flash Dr Tay. Wait he thinks I got ulterior motive. In fact, she nearly screamt at me for not listening to her when I turned up at the studio with the jab on my arm. So die die like that also must continue, cos it was her certification test I was a trainee for!

New term starts next week and those who had emailed me with interest in Pole dancing and aerial classes, feel free to pop by www.polefessional.com.sg to have a look.

It is quite exciting to see what Acro Polates is coming up, and I can’t wait to see how things evolve in the next couple of months.

The night was adjourned to my favourite Thai massage place for some pain-relief. I feel so much better after the massage and thanks to Ming’s treat for the massage!

Dinner at Old Town, before joining the rest of the guys for drinks at United Square, where a couple of Caucasians very generously bought us drinks, just because, with no agendas or whatsoever despite our refusal.

I think maybe they just wanna shut me up after I had squealed when a couple of cockroaches roamed into my path.

Certainly didn’t expect the late night out. No time for reading but there was some time for Gossip Girl episode 2, which was such a visual treat.

CHUCK BASS’ EYES MELTED ME.

How I met your mother was back with a bang too. I missed Barney!

And I even had time for America’s Next top model so my packed Friday would be cleared of me-time debt!

More exciting times ahead. Can’t wait.