I am glad that before 2011 ends, I action-ed on bringing the family together, and not planning to procrastinate it till the new year comes. I managed to do my spring cleaning even before the new year comes. I am not waiting till next December before bringing my family together for a trip, which means I am not sleeping much to make a trip happening in 3 weeks’ time.

I was thinking to myself just the other day about my most memorable moments in 2011, and there were just too many to name. Prague with the Crescent girls. London with Bedok North. Perth with NYJC. Shanghai with Temasek Polytechnic was an amazingly fun one to break me in to China for the very first time. Driving on the autobahn in Germany. Minibean going to kindergarten. The flight to Berlin from London. Sparring of wits between Minibean and I. My 30th. Dad’s 70th. Paris with Jiali and was pickpocketed. I performed on a stage. Overcoming stage fright. Though plenty of room for improvement, I insist. Got out of comfort zone and did a webisodes of Olay Project. Reacquainted with old friends and picking new ones along the way. And I mustered my courage to say what I feel instead of settling and going with the flow.

Many small things, but all very cryptic. HAHAHA.

I think 2012 as just as a crossing to yet another day, though I am a year older, but I think the next scary point will only come when I turn 40, since having a big 3 in the equation was just a matter of getting used to.

I think I can’t ask for a better end where I am away from the crowd, nursing a bad appetite (no risk of getting fat) and remnants of a stomach flu bug (or maybe just indigestion), doing some house chores, watching the free channels on cable, spending some time with Minibean, and just chilling.

I am glad to top all these, I found the spontaneity through Jiali when we strolled to Acro Polates studio to realise no one was in, and as we walked aimlessly along the streets (since we both weren’t driving!), we just made a decision to go KTV. No need for discussion. Just “Wanna sing KTV?” “Okay, let’s go.“. Like earlier this year, “Let’s go Paris” “Okay, set!”.

So 6 hours. 2 of us. I chose plenty of songs I normally wouldn’t sing in front of my friends. Think Beyonce, Christina Aguilera and the likes of chinese singers with massive lung capacity. I think it says comfort level.

We scare a staff at Kbox because we were standing up on the bench, and he stumbled a few steps back when he looked into the room. The look on his face? Priceless!

It was an incredibly sweet evening. We had Char Kuey Tiao and Kuey Zup. We had 2 desserts at Ah Chiew. The conversation we had of family in Ah Chiew was particularly memorable.

We made plans to have Lunar New Year’s Eve dinner together though I think the crowd I might bring along will scare her, HAHAHA.

Our private concert and reminiscing the songs of our era.

In fact, I am thankful for 2011. No one year is perfect, but I can say that, hey 2011, you are better than 2010. And for 2010, I could look back and see how fucking awesome it was compared to 2009. But this year, is a year of liberation.

This is the time of the year where resolutions come in.

All I can say for the year ending 2011 as we usher in the year 2012, FUCK RESOLUTIONS.

Really. If you can start on something today, why put it off next year?

More of often than not, what you set for the next year will become meaningless by the time the following year comes, or that it becomes utterly demoralising when you realise it is one of those you can’t attain, and you get silently annoyed with how you disappointed yourself.

I don’t remember setting resolutions for 2011, but just to be sure, I just checked my archives and fortunately it backed up what I just said, or it would be pretty embarrassing if I actually did set resolutions for myself and I don’t even freaking remember what they are.

I think it will be more practical for me to make a to-do list, or set a goal. Or if I am lazier, I will just pray/wish/dream/will for them to somewhat magically happen.

I think for me, what I have learnt in 2011 is, if doing something right now can make you happy or people around you happy, there is no reason to put it off, grow a pair of giant, steel balls (yes Janet and Jo, I’m looking at you both), because that is what a lot of people say they would like to do, myself included, but lack serious pair to do so.

A lot of times, when push comes to shove, we know how impossibly difficult it truly is. Especially when fear and apprehension of failure creeps up on us.

So yes, I still have minor hang-ups on certain things that I wish I had done, but didn’t get down to doing it. With time passing and moments that slipped by us.. I still hope I will be able to do that some day. When? I am not even sure. Will it make a difference? Probably not, but the what-ifs that bug me, will mean that I need to do it for myself to find the absolute closure.

I am determined to make 2012 better than 2011, because I know I probably am the deciding factor of making that happen, and pray for good things to come my way, so that whatever pleasant surprises 2012 bring, they will remain that fuzzy bonuses of memories that will be etched in words one year from now.

Have a great start to 2012 everyone, and for whatever 2012 brings, there will certainly be bad days. Don’t let the bad days rule 2012, I hope you love abundantly and make a difference to yourselves, and the people around you.

2012, I am actually looking forward to you. For the first time in my life, I am actually not dreading a new year, 2012 seems positive already, laughs.

Don’t ask me what has changed.

Admittedly, I was lost for a moment, an understatement perhaps, but at present, I seem to be heading somewhere as if in full control knowing that is exactly what I want.

It’s in the tiny details.

I breathe easier. I have some sort of routine. I speak a little more coherent, still eccentric but well, at least I try harder these days to overcome that crippling shyness and awkwardness.

Not that I should bore anyone with exact details of why, how and what is clicking in motion in my mind, and I assure you it is not all spur on by everything pretty that smells like cotton candy, but sometimes the self-inflicted mental torment of achieving the impossible could just be exactly the push-factor I need.

My room.. actually, no in fact, my house  has been in its most, how should I put it, I can’t say it is immaculate, because it is still a full marathon to go before it could be reckoned so, but hmm, it is perhaps in its most de-cluttered state, ever.

I invested in quite a bit of storage solutions, but more so in the emotions department, when the hoarder in me decided that I could let go. Of everything.

Well, almost.

I put myself through this lengthy, draining emotional process everyday recently, something I was reluctant to do so, but realise how these 3 months have gifted me some sort of courage I thought I didn’t have.

Well.. I sat through Minibean’s toys/clothes/shoes which accumulated over the past 5 years, and my stash of clothes, plenty of hands-me-down, with history dated back to decades ago.

Yes, I am a bloody hoarder.

I have refused to chuck any of Minibean’s baby stuff, and I would be telling myself, “Ooohhh look, that’s the top she wore when she first flipped over! Oh look that’s the pair of shorts she wore when she peed herself for the 647th time…” cos every, single item seems to carry a story of its own.

Everyday for the past 2 weeks since I returned from Europe, bags and bags of stuff would find its way to the rubbish chute, but somehow, much of the clutter still stay intact, until perhaps I could chill my heart to that of a cold-blooded murderer to find myself emotionally-detached from most of them.

Spring cleaning has came early and it serves as great bonding time with mum, though sometimes the friction between us makes me wonder if that is the only way she knows how to interact with me.

In a way, her sheer contempt for me has convinced me that this is the way she loves me, cos a part of me knows that she does, just that sometimes I am not sure if I have the capacity to take in all of such masochistic love.

Minibean has turned 5 on 2nd December, and this is no doubt a major milestone as she will start school as a 6 year-old barely one month into her 5th birthday in January.

Yes, my baby is no longer a baby, and her acid tongue has prompted me to see the need to integrate my wits and mind so that I can keep up with all her “creativity” these days. Yes. I shall bear in mind to record them down some time soon too.

I try to drink lotsa water these days. I didn’t normally do so back then.

I feel a little lighter these days despite the scales telling me another story.

I want to give my room a major makeover.

I am transforming from the “my room is cosy, it is in an excellent state!” to shaking my head in disgust over my previous state of denial.

I make an effort to get out of the house more often these days.

I finally have time to slow down and enjoy my National Geographic.

I even got out of my comfort zone and my great resentment of shopping.. and brought Minibean to have some girlie shopping time, because apparently, this is what she wrote for her first composition.

Yes, hear me weep you peeps. Hear my bank account bleed.

WHY MY CHILD LIKE THAT?

Whatever happened to her declaring her will to save the world? Whatever happened to expressing passion for politics and world peace? Whatever happened to finding a cure for AIDS and cancer? Whatever happened to breaking all the men’s hearts without getting hers broken???

S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G.?

I shrilled when I saw her composition and wondered where she got that from.

So over her school holidays, besides finding new places to go (after she had lamented “why you bring me come here picnic? You’re so boring mummy” when we went to Botanical Gardens. THAT INGRATE!), I decided I shall be a cool mum, and, thus, shopping shall be it.

Anyway, besides the point.

What else changed?

I realise I am actually becoming less fearful.

I find myself saying yes to things I used to say no to.

And dreadfully, saying no to things I used to say yes to.

Ok, nevermind, that’s another story altogether.

I find myself craving the high for alcohol and I haven’t been touching it for YEARS. Not forgetting I have an allergy to it.

I didn’t like taking fish. But I started to develop craving for fish and chips.

I saw a cockroach, my heart was racing and went into a mental meltdown. but I managed to fool myself enough to compose myself enough to not make a fool of myself.

You see, the point is, I managed to compose myself, doesn’t matter what goes on inside, but I actually am capable of fooling my own mind, with my.. er, own mind.

No make-up? Who cares? Glasses and naked face. I let myself go, hell ya I did, but instead of feeling sore and bad about it, I actually feel pretty fucking good. Though admittedly, the one who requires an urgent make-over is yours truly (need help here, anyone?!?!?!).

Strangely, I find my skin condition the best it has been in these couple of years, ironically, after I turned, what? Thirty.

I have to attribute my travelling life-savers for better skin, better hair… gee, I really should travel more often since skin-care regime only takes place when I am overseas because flaking and cracking of skin is an utterly painful experience.

Most importantly, in past 10 years, there were many things I wanted to do, to achieve, but was too fearful to do so.

Past couple of years, I thought of them often, but thought I’m already too old, too broke to be doing so.

And now, I feel the time is just right.

It doesn’t mean that I stop caring for a lot of things, because they’re an integral part of me I probably can’t deny, like a natural reflex, but then I could somewhat turn it the other way and comfort myself to acceptance.

Tell me this is not quarter-life crisis.

Or maybe, sometimes for you to create the happy-endings in your life, you have to invest in more new beginnings.. for that one chance for it to even happen.

A blank canvas, or perhaps endless supply of it, may be just what I need.

There is like nothing I don’t want to change at this moment. Even this space…. this restlessness is really getting to me.

Eh, why so heavy stuff huh? Fear not, will try to come back with bimbotic, mindless stuff real soon!

Like say, how I watched Mission Impossible IV yesterday and my hormones were trying to send some not-so-subtle signals to me about Jeremy Renner.

I mean, did you see that man in a suit? Oh God.

This was the scene that had me shifting uncomfortably in my seat. Hurhur.

Tom Cruise, WHO? Who’s that man in suit?

Like how today I was sent into a frenzy by Robert Downey Jr’s tweed suit and vest and sizzling eccentricity, and oh God, that English accent… and and and all those sexy, sexy, stubble. I have never kissed a man with a mustache, so watching Sherlock Holmes certainly got me thinking… unceasingly.

They should just leave the stubble on him, honestly.

See, I know something’s undoubtedly wrong with me. BAH. I need to go watch my Twilight to get my hormones in sync again. You guys should know I have always been Edward Cullen kinda girl, laughs.

Strangely how I feel like I have so much bursting out of me, yet I can’t think of anything to write in this space, and so on and on, I rambled my way through yet another meaningless post.

I also remember the reluctance I had everytime the night before departing for a trip, and the dread of packing, the unknown, and bogged by the worries of not able to keep up with the expectations of the group.

Somehow, everytime I leave the country, I will meet amazing people who show me beautiful things about the world which will ease those worries away, and leave me feeling this very sentiment I have at this very moment.

I don’t want to go home.

I just wanna stay here and soak up the gorgeous sites, the rich history, the fascinating culture and endless possibilities of adventure.

Today will be my last night in Prague, and honestly, I haven’t got the chance to revisit some places that I would like to do so, or to walk down the scenic places on my own to do some quiet reflections.

The dread of packing is actually making me a tad teary. I am not sure why, perhaps I do know why, but am too stubborn to admit.

I feel this incredible heaviness within me knowing that these 2 weeks of adventure is coming to an end… because over this period of time, I think I found a part of myself I had lost, and longed to retrieve.

Both groups of students I led had showed me so much love that it is hard for me to bid farewell, and it is a humbling experience to see how kids of their age could show me there’s so much things out there I ought to learn.

And the teachers I met on the trip.

The late night chats. The uncontrollable laughters when we had done and said things that students should never hear about. The sheer passion of these people… I am just honored to get acquainted with some of them that I can’t even begin to word my thoughts on this space.

The hugs.

I can’t even describe the sadness I have within me at this moment. I was speaking with some of these amazingly intelligent young ladies about life, and sharing about the cliche of not to leave regrets in your life by filling it up with “what ifs” and suddenly, the ‘what ifs” are eating me up at this moment, and it is pretty sad to realise what a wimp I have become.

But in the past 2 weeks, I have been myself more than I have in the past couple of years back home.

And of course, reality is waiting for me back home, and it is just sad that life’s fleeting moments are becoming much more appealing options to my dreaded reality.

I somewhat wish I am educator again. I really do. But I do realise it is a system that probably doesn’t have room for me to be myself simply cos I don’t fit in.

Sometimes, passion just ain’t enough.

I don’t wanna go home.

It was only when I touched down did I realise how much I didn’t want to come back.

The stark reality stared me back in my face, and I wish I could do a U-turn and take another flight to fly somewhere.

Anywhere.

I was too drained to find anything within me, I must have had fallen asleep while listening to A Drop in the Ocean, a song I gotten acquainted with cos someone let me listen to it in Shanghai when I had a bad day, and left me in a world of my own.

I have never quite listened to songs on my phone, but somehow this trip has changed that equation, and well, that’s another story altogether.

The trip was one to be remembered for all the brilliant spontaneous people, the extreme loads of shopping the students did which I did none, aplenty of cultural shock, the rude and nice Chinese men we met, minimal amount of sleep, I was on an eating spree almost everyday cos the guide fed me well and that someone made me cry (knn!) on the bus (murphy’s law says that right at the moment you cry, the teacher would turn to you to ask for a picture together).

I surprised myself how much I enjoyed China. I think it was the history part that charmed me aplenty. They can make do with more handsome men though. China grew on me, and I can’t wait to find out what Beijing gotta offer though I am not going to Beijing anytime soon.

How can I be a people person and such an anti-social person who is afraid of crowd and shy around people at the same time? I contradict myself all the time, but the self-questioning was an all time high this time round, and then on came the iPhone music player, and I wish I was invisible so I could be left alone to deal with all these emotions.

I think I only remember how to be a clown, and forgot how to be myself when I get nervous around crowds.. then again, we put on personas to project the strength we lack, especially when we are working. Then when the real persona slips out, it takes others by surprise and set them panic.

I came home to things I don’t want to deal with. Well, a phone call that came in when I was in Shanghai already prepped me for it, but still, when the humid air greeted me in Singapore, I was glad to see Minibean (and seeing my twitter and facebook load.. though there’s weibo but then no data plan!) but there was so much dread in me that I was wondering when was the next flight I could afford to fly myself out to somewhere.

Anywhere.

It seems like an era had passed when I finally reached home in all the delirium. This is how it feels like when adrenalin wears off, and you can’t find yourself speaking. I don’t feel like speaking, I don’t feel like talking, but just wanna channel all thoughts via social media (can you imagine how tortured I was in Shanghai?!).

I wanted to write a 2-liner, but I end up writing about nothing for very long.

I came home to realise I don’t quite have a home.

I miss the familiarity, but a relative has moved in, and I can’t walk ar0und in the nude when there is no one anymore. Hurhur.

Then, I saw the mess which I had no energy to clean up, and went into my long list of to-dos. Which includes sorting the luggage, which I always do when I touch down, but then a good sleep with my baby pillow triumphed all.

Boss then said longer hours are waiting ahead.

I wanted to walk out of the door with my luggage.. and just flee like I always do. But, I have nowhere to go.

I am not called an escapist for nothing.

I woke up at 7am, my call time for the past week, when I have allowance of couple of hours more sleep and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I have another long day of operations, story telling, and catching up. Then I have commitment I would rather not go so I can catch up with work, and also because I have no more energy within me to keep up with all the play-acting.

I think I have put on this persona for so long that when I quieten down, I may actually come across as rude.

Totally random. I realise my fear for flying is highlighted and magnified when I don’t get to see what’s happening outside the window.

My uneasiness was evident enough for the gorgeous air stewardess to ask me if I was okay when I stepped off the plane cos she noticed how uneasy I felt when taking off and landing.

I am THAT uncool.

Okie. My guide in Shanghai just told me that a student left a Blackberry behind in Shanghai… they all huh! That’s why we do earlier check-outs and what room checks are for, but they were the ones who woke up late and thus the room check was done only after we left.. thankfully, we could probably send it back with the male teacher who had deviated his flight.

Thankfully the hotel quite honest, very awesome right?

Anyway, I am not sure why I am even writing so much redundant stuff. First day return and the calls are coming in already, thankfully I am awake.

And here’s to my longer hours already.

*BIG SAD GRUMPY FACE*

Now if you would excuse me, I need to go lose that chinese accent I had brought back with me.

Everytime there’s something on my mind that I wanna pen it down here, and then, something would happen and then the “feeeeeeling” gone already.

Like as I am typing this now cos I couldn’t get in touch with the overseas friend I am supposed to host today, the moment I started on this post, tadaaaaannnnggggg, her phone call came in already.

Talk about impeccable timing.

Anyhoo.

I hope tonight is a night I gonna smile.

I am unusually jittery. It’s Barca after all and I don’t feel ‘it’… you know that feel good factor just before a match? I just don’t feel it.. like as if.. something good wouldn’t happen.

If I ever have a son, can I send him to Barca and then make him play for Manchester United? He can then speak sexy Spanish though uhm, Mancunian accent.. well I certainly can live with that hahaha.

I feel a little closeted these days.

And then, I digress.

I do not know how to phrase this is the best possible way, but finding a good and proper property agent/broker is almost a near impossible task.

I have to be extra careful the way I phrase this or else people might think I am talking about them, ahem, but then it gets quite annoying when you hear emotionless, patronising sales-y stuff from them, and as you smile politely (*keep your eyesballs in space, don’t let them spin out of positions*) you are thinking to yourself, “ya ya ya, don’t come and bullshit me.”

The thing is, if there’s one thing I cannot stand for, is people trying to take advantage of my dad and put his welfare lower down on the priority list when their commissions are at stake.

The truth is, dad is an easy target for many sales people, and that’s why I am extra protective of him.

Like, say, today.

He called me up and he told me he “chope-d” a unit of a particular development and he was thinking of committing to it at 6pm cos they said so and so to him.

A look at the clock… HOLY SHIT, it’s 4pm.

I spoke to him cautiously and slowing him down like I would to someone who is sitting precariously by the ledge, and told him don’t do anything he shouldn’t do and I would call him back.

There is only ONE person I trust with property matters and getting advice from, and that was who I called up immediately, and before I knew it, I was busy getting my teeth brushed (don’t judge me! I got a terrible bout of migraine since last night and down with flu!), and didn’t even have the time to dress properly (I would learn to regret much later at the showflat) cos I am meeting said friend and dad at the site at 5pm.

I like to observe the sales people at work and I didn’t like the eye signal the guy who was talking to my dad gave to his colleague when my dad’s back was turned to him, so that he could get a female to “bond” with me cos my dad pushed the decision making to me.

Friend who came to help was the one who raised a few concerns and I personally am superbly thankful and we all went to a nice quiet corner of The Rail Mall for a thank you dinner for said friend after dad left without making any commitment. Phew.

And during dinner, we actually unanimously agreed that if it was the mortgage loan specialist who was the property agent, we would have probably snapped up the unit.

Which reminded me. The funniest episode happened.

I am not sure if I might get sued if I write about it here, so maybe I shouldn’t.

But then again why would I get sued for something that DID happen, right?

So anyway.

Agent sat us down to speak to a mortgage specialist (I made sure I sat down to take a peek of his ID card to see which bank he is from), and wrongly introduced him from a particular bank.

My dad said he has loan from this bank, and I joked, “WHYYYY?? Why you borrow from them?“.

Then of cos said specialist is from another bank.

I asked what other banks were there?

So he named a few.

When I heard the name of that particular bank again, I joked to SBB, “hmmmm who knows maybe  Neenah Beh (name disguised to protect the not so innocent) is here.” *shudders at thought*

Said mortgage specialist registered a look of surprise, “Oh, you are her friend is it? Are you from the banking industry or you are from SMU?”

I think I might have tried hard to disguise a look of disgust when he asked if she’s my friend. I quickly denied and said I have no such friend, and that all I know about her is that…. well, uhm, hmm.. I think something along the line (well well cannot say too much!) she’s not very ethical.

My property advisor friend laughed and said I was really mean, and then I giggled and tried to justify that I wouldn’t say that if not because.. well, nevermind.

The loan specialist registered another look of surprise and looked what I thought was.. a knowing look.

And then, he said, “You are the one with the blog is it?”

Then it was my turn to look.. shell-shocked. Okay, maybe er, coincidence right?

“Scarlett?”

WHY NEVER PUT MAKE UP?! HE IS HER FRIEND IS IT? WILL HE SUE ME? WHY NEVER PUT MAKE UP? WILL HE GIVE ME HIGHER INTEREST RATE? WHY LOOK SO AUNTIE TODAY?

I swear I blushed uncomfortably cos I am usually nervous like that, and am just glad my new glasses can cover my blush.

So apparently without me saying much, the whole industry knows very well about how she works and that’s known to many people. And so what was shared by some of you are quite to the tee of what people know her personally would say.

Then if really like that ah… in the most really matter-of-factly manner and curious tone without an ounce of spite, why the company still keep her if that’s what most of her own colleagues thought of her huh? Or is it that as long as company can make moolah, they don’t question integrity?

Tsk tsk, time to build career karma.

The encounter was a pretty interesting one, and I am just glad to ask my dad to sit on it for a while.

Few days ago he spoke about test driving this car and he finds it so awesomely beautiful. “White. Audi. The roof can come up and go down one you know?” “TT is it? Uncle you how old already?!” Though I should take comfort that he chose a Prius over a WRX when he purchased a car 2 years ago, or should I be kicking myself? Then couple of days ago he said he saw this pretty Hyundai….

Papaaaaa, why you need such heavy dose of retail therapy? Lucky he was just window shopping.

But I understand how he likes the area because that was where he grew up in, and that means a lot to him, and he might want to stay there to retire (even though he is way past that age)  despite being told the location is not that ideal and quality of the development is not as ideal for the price, but I can understand why he is charmed (besides being quite a lovely catch for agents) cos the place is pretty peaceful and has a strong whiff nostalgia.

I am irrationally upset and teary whenever he jokes about his age, and I really wish he leads a long, healthy life to enjoy his golden years and to be reminded of how he is aging, is somewhat quite upsetting to a hormonal me (damn you PMS, damn you, can’t your just bleed yourself out already?!).

So anyway, today was quite enjoyable despite a terrible migraine and a flu-battered body, the rail mall was cool and quiet for a weekend, and I bumped into an old primary school mate.

Headed home, ventured out to St Regis to pick up Suki and companion since they are in town again, before heading to Prive for drinks and I downed 2 desserts at one go.

Anything lemony and tartish are on my top hormonal cravings these days.

And I bumped into my secondary school mate there.

Seriously, what’s with my past haunting me these days?

And random again.

I must do sundown next year. Maybe should just try to train for a full marathon to get myself started. First and last. Since I am no best friend with the sun, maybe only sundown will suit me fine.

And gee, this is the only piece from me for May.

And with a long and busy June looming, I hope to be back sooner than I think I might be.

What’s next?

Finally yet another trip for me to get out of the country and thankfully to escape from the unbearable heat.

If only there are more to come.

And the furious updates on twitterverse painted quite an interesting picture of what had, has, and might happen.

If you are looking for a piece with depth, I’m sorry, I’m as shallow as they come and what’s gonna be said is gonna be soooooo totally random.

That said, the day already started off with quite some vigorous exercise for my poor heart when an email to me had made me rush to Twitter to check if a friend is still tweeting cos it had sounded pretty ominous.

I can’t quite explain the exact emotions that ran through me as I read the email and then the relief when I found out it was just a case of mistaken identity to another girl who had passed away.

It suddenly dawned on me how much I fear losing this person though in a way, I probably already have.

I digress.

Ah. The elections.

It was actually quite an excitement because like some said, it is truly an election like never before, and that is something I never thought quite possible to see.. Singaporeans filled with such passion and charged with emotions that it is actually quite, dare I say, sexy.

I know I foreign worker but I suddenly remember my dad is Singaporean and he gets to vote, so go easy on me okay! I from PAP kindergarten last time one okay (dark blue dress with red tie!)! I speak Singlish okay!

Some random thoughts:

1) Why is being gay itself is deemed as having agenda? What agenda can they have? As compared to SOME foreign women here having some really serious agendas of their own, in relativity, which is the greater evil?

I mean so the former is a moral issue for you because you, as a fellow Christian feels strongly against it, but what about the foreign talents who brought that increase in adultery rates, double standard much?

Honestly I don’t really feel the need to harp on the latter cos I do have great friends from all over the world in Singapore who take pride in this land and appreciate this land for what it is (by that I don’t mean government per se in case people flame “of course they like cos they are treated preciously here!”) and it was just an example to show that c’mon, you want to say such a statement, start the discipline at home first.

I take issue with the discriminatory and unfair statement, which was use as a weapon to put down your opponent, that makes you look like a sore loser more than anything else. Where’s all the graciousness and integrity?

And it is disheartening to see the way the homeless lady’s plight was highlighted by you, selectively, so you could humiliate her publicly to justify why you did not, and should not help her after someone did a media coverage of her homeless plight.

It was defensive, and a low blow. You just wanted to defend yourself against something that made you look bad, by again, putting someone in a bad light to illuminate yourself in the darkness you created.

But sometimes, it might just turn the spotlight on your flaws, that defiant arrogance with no room for humility.

She’s still homeless, do you care?

Then again, he is running in a GRC where his “niche” and his “market” would probably endorse his views, which in my opinion, is unfortunate.

2) Oh dear. I have no issue with ruling party except for the few black sheeps, and unfortunately some of these black sheeps are shoved down our.. sorry I mean Singaporean’s throats cos they are being teamed up with some of the respected powerhouses.

It’s like c’mon, you look at some of them you go, “SERIOUSLY?! You expect them to command any respect from Singaporeans?!“, and then you realise, hong kan liao, they are paired with some of the well-respected and decent MPs, then before you know it, it’s like you found the perfect wife (or a wife you can bear with cos you reached the age of bo bian-ness and have to get married), and the mother-in-law from hell is gonna plague your life from now on by moving in to stay with you, dictating everything you do.

So like what’s seen on Twitter, good luck to you people, a certain Mr Chan has become your MP (I love natural ah bengs, not such who speak until so contrived ones. Ah bengs are not so elitist one leh..).

I am okay with Kate Spades (what’s wrong with that?!), leg stomping (quite candid what), but I take issue with hollow, shallow, robotic point of view, which serve nothing good for the nation. It’s like you know how in school got teachers’ pet who tell you what to do because teachers say so, and then yet they are nothing by their own merits?

Did anyone watch her speech after nomination day today?

I showed a PAP supporter the video, and the moment Miss Sarah Peiling spoke, he shot me a WTF face and cringed.

I felt bad for her, and whoever has to endure that forced persona, which is probably highly likely to be the mother-in-law who ends up irking you so much.

And the way some MPs just go through the motion and do not seem to have a real heart for his people?

I have read accounts of Mr Lui by those who had met him and those stories make me really feel… repulsed.

3) I have a crush on PM Lee Hsien Loong since I was 10. Judge me all you want.

You know, just a little tidbit, he isn’t of a particular religion, but when he goes jogging, he sometimes meet people from the public and some of them might banter or joke with him, and they would ask to pray over him to lead a nation well.

He would always smile and allow them to do so. If you ask, regardless of your religion, he would just smile and oblige.

So.. uh.. yah, just random.

4) Mr Hawazi is a nice man, and this coming from an opposition supporter who worked in the grassroots (I know, the irony!) and had plenty to disagree with the ruling government.

And personally, I am grateful to him for various reasons.

I have heard how nice he was to Minibean even though Minibean is like me, a Malaysian (but Minibean born in Singapore okay!). Though Minibean cried buckets when he tried to carry her, but after that he still would try to amuse her and play with her on a group trip they took some couple of years back.

5) I think Goh Chok Tong reminds me of my dad, so I am bias. I feel bad for him after seeing the boos, and his occasion awkward sense of humor rub people the wrong way.

6) I think Nicole Seah’s views she expressed so far have aced. If she could deliver all those she hope to make a difference to, I wish there are more politicians like her, regardless of race, gender, age, sexual orientation, or party. And she knows vulgarities, a girl after my own heart, I say! She has aced not because of her looks, or an agenda to make Miss Sarah Pei Ling looks bad(Miss Sarah Pei Ling doesn’t need much help there!) but because, she voiced issues that struck a chord with our generation (cough, the younger ones), and that’s really food for thought.

7) I wonder how many relationships are broken during this period with all the heated arguments, exchanges and discussions witnessed amongst friends, on facebook statuses and all.

I know I very nearly broke one, not because I voiced my political stance, but because the views shared by someone, an elder, no less, was so offensive and extreme that it was nothing to be tolerated.

I held my tongue but I can’t believe such ignorance and arrogance are so rampant in a society we live in.

Eight) Mr Chiam, you have my utmost respect and your dedication over the years leave me in awe. I wish you good health, and success.

9) “I will embrace him like a brother.” Dr Wijeysingha on what he would do when he sees Vivian Balakrishnan.

I laughed very hard cos I was just imagining how the latter might flinch and turn pale , and wonder if it was a tongue-in-cheek threat made by Dr Wijeysingha.

It’s just my initial response hor, and it’s tongue-in-cheek opinion on my end.

10) I wanna say I am very much impressed with the WP team for Aljunied. I am very, very, very impressed. I wish them the best, though I want to say George Yeo is a worthy candidate too. And it’s both a blessing, and a loss for Aljunied for whoever that wins.

Though quoting many opinions on Twitter, which I personally endorse too, we need a voice of opposition, to question, to improve, and it will be too much a loss to lose Mr Low and his team, and the opportunity cost of losing them is greater than losing George Yeo.

11) What I hope and pray for, is that whoever wins, have a heart to serve, and a passion for the nation. That everyone will still strive to want to make a difference.

And even if the PAP does win, which I predict pretty expected, I hope this elections will show the way that how people really feel and it is time to humble themselves to address the issues close to everyone’s heart. Take a look at how your oppositions capture the hearts of people, and take a leaf out of their books, and take it as a chance given to show you are capable of changing the perception of people.

People not necessarily want a change of government, they want the government to show they can, and willing to change.

It’s like.. I believe people still hope. It’s like a marriage, or a relationship, you can’t just ignore the disappointment you brought to your partner, you have to give it a shot or else 5 years down the road, they might just lose all hope and walk out, for good.

You need plenty of empathy on top of the charisma (what actually scares me is a lot of them don’t have either!) to really engage and connection with your people and I wish to see more candidates like Nicole Seah who are not trying to be politically-correct (eh, the irony!), but dare to voice and speak up for those under-represented, which comes from emotions and passion, and not just, because.

There are people in their jobs because their jobs are prestigious, and that comes to someone who is ambitious for the wrong reasons, and then there are people who wanna be someone because that is how they can make a difference.

It’s like a doctor who wants to be a doctor because “it looks good and it pays a lot” compared to someone who wants to be a pediatrician because “since young I feel for children and I want to heal every one of them to see them happy and healthy“.

At the same time, I am a person who is afraid of making decisions, so I know it would be hard for me if I were in it, but gee, am I glad I am not.

I love Singapore, and all I want, is the best for her, and if everyone is in it to do the best for her, then regardless of outcome, there is always a way to work hand-in-hand, however difficult, and not just disagreeing for the sake of doing so.

Let’s hope Singaporeans will make an informed choice, and not one just base solely on emotions (be it be the blind faith and loyalty from the past, or just pure spite to lament at everything and anything just because).

Just to be totally random again, I was talking to a bunch of people, who are from Holland-Bukit Timah GRC.

I am not sure if I am just sensitive, but I really do not like it when people lose patience with their domestic helpers and keep criticising how stupid they are in their faces, or right before their guests when the helpers are around.

I mean, I am just talking about basic human respect here.

And then it suddenly dawned on me that these are actually very nice people here, but why am I nitpicking about them?

Then I realise why.

As much as some of them are actively involved with social work and helping out the needy, there are some people who do that to make themselves look good, something for them to shout out about, or maybe for other less cynical reasons.

I was just thinking about it the day Minibean was brought to the old folks’ home (not by me, I might add but I should), and then I suddenly thought how it should be an experience to instill respect, courtesy, and a passion for people, and to KNOW people.

I know I shouldn’t but I was actually disturbed by how she was taught at the old folks’ home (see, they have nothing to eat, see they so poor thing), and I would be relieved to know if she was told why we should respect elders and share responsibilities to take care of them.

It shouldn’t be about “they are poor so they are a class lower and they so poor thing so we pity them and we help them cos you see we are so fortunate“, because there is still a class divide there. The people who help still have the “upper society” mindset with the holier-than-thou attitude. They probably do really want to do good and help, but what they lack, is truly the heart.

Instead, it should be about, these are people of our society, who needs help and can appreciate the company because they just wanted to be heard and understood, and to be remembered. They are one of us.

I think it irked me to realise that there  is a difference between “I want to help” and “I should help cos I can” or worse “I want to help so I can show off” (haha, some companies like to do that so they have something to shout about for their lack of ethics).

I hope Minibean would grow up to be the former, and have a heart to serve and to love.

I edited my post again.

No, not because I am afraid of the defamation threats thrown my way, heh, I know the laws and my rights well, thankyouverymuch. That’s quite a piece of email that requires much more for me to digest and reply, once I stop laughing this hard.

I thought it was quite low cos D had sent the email to me and cc S in it, and that’s the only reason why I did the editing, out of my own initiative.

I don’t know if she is reading it/this, but the last thing I want her to do so while having her deserved break, is to be worried/hassled wherever she is. I just want to emphasize that this is my own initiative (wah, who knows you all so powerful with twitter?!) because I had felt a personal need to highlight the plight of a friend I care for, and getting it off my chest, because she was only suffering in silence, and I wanted to voice it out.

His colleague from another division had emailed me, and I can see ruffled feathers falling all over right in my face. He was obviously panicking. The email had directly asking me to remedy the situation by indicating it was an error and correct my mistake, because he doesn’t want to be mistaken to be D after many people in the industry “called to show concern”.

Like that I got free advertising for you all, next time buy property got discount? *beams politely*

Alas, in all of these, it was every man for himself. No one shed a tinge of concern for how S is doing.

As for D’s email, the irony.

Like I said, let me stop laughing this hard and get my brain cells’ act together.

Anything, come after me, there is no need to get S involve, send email my way, you don’t have to cc her.

What’s with the subtle reminder that I had used big names of MNCs and they might come after me… Uh.. gee, I shall stop complaining of my telco next time, or blog about bad services and inconsiderate/annoying sales people of big MNCs cos I scared I might crap in my pants and all that shivers in my knees might give me arthritis.

You all huh, all those in cozycots one huh, say who and who got plastic surgery one huh, and those say who sleep with who one huh, why haven’t kenah sued yet?

Maybe I should heed Cruz Teng’s advice, seek MP’s help cos very apt time to do so (smack you if you really think I need to resort to that!).

Like I said, how I know my humble space which I have long deserted would draw the attention of you big-time people from MNCs? I not worthy..

Let’s end this with a lesson from D, one I should carve into my tiny pea brain and learn by heart, and I shall abide by.. “Be a responsible adult and think twice about the actions and its implications. Thanks and seek your cooperations. I will not hesitate to take legal actions if required.”

Whatever you all need to know, will be supplemented by the mini PIs reading this space below. Like I said, what are said in the comments are not by me, so I see no need to have any censorship. They are anonymous, then like that, how?

Then how I know TNP reporter, local singers and blog Zeus cowboyboy would grace my space (sorry people, I didn’t have time to roll out the red carpets! Pardon me!)? I don’t even know they retweeted until people tell me -gives innocent doe-eyes + sulk-, maybe you should email everyone who tweeted to take down also, I’m sure their knees will buckle at the drop of the sound of BBC, CNBC, OCBC.. ABC..

And yes, careful alright, it applies to all 4000 of you who have read it, must go to sleep tonight and “unread” and “unremember” everything I said.

Sorry I cannot handle the overwhelming responsibility to be blamed to be the one who caused you to have no more room to work your marriage out, I accept full responsibility for the collapse of your marriage. Sniff. I am officially a home-wrecker. Not you Y, don’t have to feel bad about yourself, of course.

I shall no cower under my duvet and sob my heart out, in absolute fear and guilt.

With my feathers firmly in place, no less. Hurhur.

A quick countdown to 19 days to go!

The wanderlust in me is created yet another ruckus and I feel like going on yet another impromptu trip again, though I just returned from a short one on Thursday.

Then again, is it only me or does going to Batam isn’t really considered as a real holiday?

Now, am counting down to another 19 more days nervously, and I will no longer be the privileged of driving around with a bling bling triangle plate. I feel a sense of loss, a sense of moroseness, you know how the 2 of them had consistently looked after me like angels would, giving me ample excuses to give the doe-eyed-I-am-so-sorry-look to fellow road users when I needed them to give me way…

Much things had taken place at a lightning pace, and had hit me before I even prepped myself for it, or even realised they were happening.

So far, things are looking good, and there’s a good chance the tiny businesses I am sticking my fingers into might need some sort of expansion even though it has been just less than 2 months.

The excitement and adrenalin rush are the things that are like double-edged swords, they kept me going yet they tired me out at the end of the day. I don’t like the restlessness and how every night I bring to me to bed with an overwhelming processor running at full speed.

The funny thing is, I still do not know what I am, the stuff I am doing does not seem so solid or have anything for me to boast about, and I wish I could just tell people, hey you know what, I am an entrepreneur in the fill-in-the-blank industry… and-fill-in-impressive-technical-terms that will make everyone looking at me in reverie.

I sometimes find that calling myself a freelance business owner, because, er, I don’t work the entire month, and in my free time, I dabble with other stuff I am trying to grow (nope, Marina Bay Sands isn’t one of the options, laughs), using what I earn in the business to roll.

And then, in the month to come, I will be trying to get a job (it could end up as an business venture, if it goes REALLY well), while I am letting these 2 sides kicking into momentum on their own.

Somehow, I had wished these ideas and plans come into place earlier, like say, a year ago, because it’s like, “Why didn’t I ever think of that?!” but then again, knowing that all of the above wouldn’t have taken place because of a spark of spontaneity or precious people put into my life.

Put it this way, all of the above were what people suggested to me, identifying skills I never thought I possess, and I was pushed into it by “hey, I could do that, let’s do it NOW.” and turnaround time to get everything ready was 2 weeks for each. That’s where adrenalin and a restless mind really help to get things going.

That reminds me, I have to get the damn CV going tonight, on top of another 1001 things I have to get done tonight.

But everything is going at a pace I enjoy. Fast when I need it, and slow when I need a break. And that is exactly why I am thinking of completing the tasks and taking a freaking break before my next project commerces.

I am glad things are going better than projected or what we had expected mere couple of months back, before Chinese New Year, so no complaints so far (except when you have to deal with irresponsible, incompetent, lying staff which was a story I had meant to write but eventually ranted enough offline to get it off my chest).

This post sounds boring already.

Anyway, I had a dream last night.

Of someone who means a lot to me, and in the dream, that’s what I find myself saying to you, plucking all the courage I could from my invisible nuts.

And then we broke into laughter. And we spent a great deal of time together.

I woke up realising it wasn’t real.

***

One thing is, with all the excitement, I am rearing to go, the only setback is, sometimes I find myself delivering short when being a mum to Minibean. Maybe sometimes is because there are just so many people trying to flock to her and earn her attention, and I just wanna take a step back so whatever I do won’t get criticised.

Maybe sometimes, it is also because of being too excited to build something, I wanna channel the energy to get the immediacy delivered and would put aside her need for the attention.

She has been whining and vocalising how she is lonely and she has no one to play with her, she has an unbridled, young heart, that yearns for the skies and things out there.

Honestly she has been a kiddo who has lotsa activities going to her, but then with everyone having their own views on how to parent her (my mum has her views, even my dad has his “ice-cream” views), I feel like telling all of them to fuck off (such an ingrate, I know!), cos she’s mine. And I always have to hold my tongue trying to explain how I wanna bring up my child because, hey, c’mon, that’s what I set down 5 years ago, and who are you to change it right now?

Alrighty, now I have to get away from all the things clouding my mind, and spend some quality weekend time with the family, bringing my mum and child out for a day out, before the new week of motherhood + worldly challenges awaits.

I wish all of you well, and I wish, you, who appears in my dreams ever so often, very well.

I think I pretty much can understand how Minibean feels, to be told all the time to behave a certain way expected out of her, or to do something just to keep to the norm (which varies, depending on who you are), just because.

In a way, just like how Mum doesn’t agree with many things with her ardent belief in old wives’ tales, and a deviation from how she does her stuff, means that you are wrong, or worse, justifies the craziness she heaps on us.

She is a child. She still cannot differentiate what constitutes to danger, and thus she needs to be guided. There will be a point in time that, she will be making decisions for herself, even if she is well aware of the rights and wrongs.

My point being, sometimes, just because of what we are used to, or what we had decided to get used to, we often want to mould the people around us into what we expect them to be, and I try the darnest to remind myself that one day, Minibean is to decide who she wants to be…

And the only way for someone to be so, is to be exposed to both ends of the extreme, to find a comfortable place to call your own.

I hope she sees as much of the world as possible to make a sound decision, rather than avoiding what are deemed taboo and then one day when she comes across the taboos, her curiosity would get the better of her for her to find the answers the hard way, by trying them out themselves.

The thought came when I realise how certain people who had brought up a certain way, would insist the life they judged as “right” would become the way they insist on the people around them.

The way you talk, the way you eat, the way you shop, the way you go about doing things.

I find myself going against the flow purposely, just because, hey, I’m rebellious stubborn that way.

If you think my shoes are awful, I like their comfort, and you’ll see my birkies more often than you should.

If you thinks my glasses are geek-ifying me, I will wear them more often, my eyes are dry, you see.

If you think I am auntie-ish, I tell you I am a mother of one, I need no acknowledgment from anyone. And what’s your excuse of having the fashion style of Ugly Betty but is deluded into thinking it’s matchable to Blake Lively’s?

If you think I am not polished enough to be eating Pizza with my fingers, you’ll be hearing me slurping my soup from the bowl.

It is not that I cannot, but if it is a choice I choose because I’ve been there, I like to alternate between them. But you don’t get to dictate who I wanna be for that day, because you are not me, and not what you think is often the best.

But, an important point to note, I am talking about people who talk down and put you down just because they think that way, or the ones who talk to you like when you’re not doing what they expect is almost being blasphemous, not about people who genuinely care and want the best for you with their suggestion. Even those who make casual comments, are acceptable too, because they mean no ill to put you down, nor do they try to fit you into the mould they have created.

Especially those who think they are oh-so atas, I can perhaps put up the pretense and pretend the way you want me to be, but then I chose not to, because… it is boring as hell, and I don’t see how it makes me more sophisticated than anyone else cos it certainly doesn’t make you so.

In fact, say, today at work, someone young asked me….. “how do I dispose of pad from the office toilet ah…?” I actually found it pretty incredulous, BUT, I found it endearing (not that I had to dispose of it for her! But because you see, such brutal candidness is often masked by the norm, and then they might panic and stuff it down the toilet bowl or something, right?).

You see, if you are clumsy, you are clownish, do you look sillier when you are sleekly dressed, or just be the usual clumsy self? You save yourself the embarrassment so much more!

I learnt that when I was younger, when my dad finds it embarrassing to pack the leftovers home after a dinner because people used to say how cheap he was to do that, and people, like to talk, and nitpick, that’s just the way it is (and yes, even though he paid for the birthday dinners himself). And then it came to a point, you pack, people say you cheap, you don’t people say you flaunting to say how those things don’t matter… you can never win, right?

I pack leftovers all the time. I ask for freebies if they are practical to use. I am as auntie as I can be. But I don’t pretend I don’t care and sneer at some freebie stuff and then found them snuck underneath the expensive baby blanket in your child’s branded pram (which I inevitable HAD to know because of your excessive flaunting) as you sashayed away, telling everyone how auntie I can be.

No, I’m not angry, I just find it incredibly amusing, and it can be quite hilarious to see these people trying to keep up with it.

Oh, and the name droppings. Do they really know you in the first place?

If you wanna act crisp and holier-than-thou like you’re so up there, trust me when I say, I can pull off such a pretense much better than you, but it’s too tiring for me to prove a point and it’s a choice I would rather not take.

With your noses tilt up like this, and even with the heels, you don’t really get fresher air you know?

And I would rather take my own sweet time to put on those heels when I feel like it, just so it doesn’t bore me, or hurt my poor feet or your ego in the process of doing so.

***

Having said that, no one has a perfect scale. Not you, not me. It is all about your own tolerance level, or in some cases of the more narcissistic, your own self-importance level.

Our scale depends heavily on your own set of moral values, or in some cases, the extent you love your friends. Face it, we can be rather double-standard when we condone some friends’ misgivings when they are close, but a random person out there who made the same mistakes (say, someone who doesn’t buy your act and you feel insulted that way), would make you find enough room to set a backdrop for war.

Say, if I find Felicia Chin detestable (which I do for some reasons), I will find it so irked by her fakeness that it makes no logical sense (I conveniently push it to the hormones), yet around me, there are bound to be people who are like that too which I could find it within me to pretend that I don’t see it.

Okay, that’s not my point.

But there’s not much point to what I’m trying to say anyway.

***

When was the last time when you move on from something, be it imposed or otherwise just a case of severe boredom that you end up making yourself believe that “I am better than that, I deserve better” and the past became a disgusting reminder of how low you had allowed yourself to go to be associated with something or someone?

Or maybe I blame friends who try to make you feel better by telling you such untruths.

Which makes me think, you think these friends/exes/companies are not good enough for you, but at the same time, they think the same way too, and then it goes on to be a big competition of “who is better than who” and then on goes the put-down session.

“Oh gee, why did I ever go out with someone so fat?” the girl thinks.

Somewhere else, the ex-boyfriend thinks “Oh gee, why did I ever go out with a gold-digger bimbo, good riddance!”

“Oh gee, you know how he worshipped the ground I walked on or not? Such a wimp!”

“Oh gee, you know how she manipulated me or not? Look at my present catch.. geee so much better!”

“Oh gee, did you know how fucked up the company was?” employee thinks.

And on the other side, employer says, “Oh gee, thank goodness he quit, or else we still wonder how to make a useless staff redundant!”

“I can’t feel anything inside her, like dead fish like that!” and the counter? ““His dick is so small that he wouldn’t even feel anything if he stuck it up my nostril!

And of cos the childish game of calling whoever a loser, or starting to zoom in on hi-res pictures to compare who has more pimples so who is THE loser.

I am just saying, when you try to put someone down to make yourself smell like roses from a situation, you might end up looking really bad, cos at the end of the day, the person you put down, might be actually the one walking out, with a bouquet of roses in hand, with a wide smell on his/her face, while you… gee, excuse me, but that bitter stench from jealousy is reeking too much for me to stay around.

More often than not, I believe things have a way of working out for everyone, both sides will actually have good things coming for them too, but whatever to make you feel better to tide the days over.

***

Okay busy for these 2 weeks. Fatigue is consuming me, will be back soon.

With so much hype in the media and endless tributes recently, it was not my intention to jump on the bandwagon, so this post was certainly unexpected.

But you know how sometimes you walk by the park and see a loving pair of elderly holding hands and looking out for each other and the scenario evokes such strong emotions?

I believe I don’t have to elaborate, our cockles get warmed ever so often when we witness such, because knowing how rare it is, and how it appeals to the deep yearning within us.

You remember how you kinda wept secretly when you watched the movie UP, and you think it is all fiction and unattainable in real life?

But it does.

It all started a few weeks back when I read an intimate interview report by New York Times on MM Lee Kuan Yew, and suddenly I was shown a whole new dimension to this political tough man.

I saw a glimpse of a man, who wasn’t that much of a politician, but a husband, who still adores wife and speaks fondly of her as if they were honeymooning.

This has nothing to do with anything political – though I must say that I have ample respect for this man regardless – it was just the romantic in the girlish side of me speaking.

Over the past few days, I have read a whole lot of things in the press, which roused some grumbles among people cos the expansive reporting and all was seen as too great a proportion and biased, simply because it is something to do with the family with the greatest power in this country.

We certainly didn’t see that much public grief for the demise of Mr Ong Teng Cheong, who in my opinion was yet another great man, whom I remember dearly as the man who loved his wife deeply and had an extremely good heart, and totally deserving of the same level of respect from his people. And why was he not given a state funeral again?

Anyway.

In these few days, we have suddenly learnt a great deal about the family which has been mechanicalised over the years, and perhaps send some teeth gritting, shivers down the spine out of sheer fear, or trigger the patriotism, depending who you are and how you see it.

The views of the family is one that is so framed by politics that what we see is from such a far distance that you don’t see anything beyond.

The mere mention of the Lee family, and you will see people who feel strongly very quick to jump the gun, regardless what it is about, and start going into the self-made politicians mode. Suddenly everyone becomes an expert political analyst when.. the article might just be saying that a junior Lee won a debate competition or something (ah-ha! Must be because he is a Lee!) or some other Lee got into a prestigious university (ah-ha! Must be because he is a Lee!).

I shudder at the thought that if these “politics expert” have any say in running Singapore.

And to me, I feel saddened, simply because an old man who deeply loves his wife, has lost a partner, and a great one as it is.

I can’t help but find myself ploughing through the articles, simply because one of the articles had prompted me to take on a new perspective of what this family truly is.

It could be a show, cynics might say, but as I read on, I realise how loving, and how closely-knitted they truly are. Simply because they seem so no-nonsense and have that rigid images, doesn’t mean that they are robots in real life.

I mean, I don’t think of them as robots or expect them to lead lives like robots.. but I just think that it seems inconceivable that they could be… this normal, because we forgot they are just human, like you me him her, or that they are capable of being more sentimental than people around us because they make emotions almost a taboo in politics.

Just like that, we learnt more about the tough men in the Lee family than we ever did in decades. The anecdotes were often touching and there is an element of voyeurism to a family which seems so out-of-reach, so mysterious to us, and often shrouded in so many nasty myths that you probably think it requires a great deal of effort, or an act to maintain some sort of normalcy in the household.

The news was on. The eulogies came up.

What struck me was, whenever they mentioned Mdm Kwa, Mr Lee’s name wouldn’t be too far behind, and it almost always came in a pair. And every story also sheds light on who the real MM Lee is.

I saw the smile on Xiuqi’s face as she recounted little episodes of her nainai fondly, and perhaps thinking about other memories which she couldn’t capture all in words.

I saw the little boy in Lee Hsien Yang, who perhaps is the real baby in the family.

The sentimental, sensitive one in the family, who is vocal, and have her words littered with passion and intensity – Wei Ling.

My heart broke a little when I saw PM Lee Hsien Loong’s almost crumbling to emotions, and that little pause as he laid a carnation next to his mum. I wish they all don’t have to always try to maintain the tough men persona because they think it is expected out of them, cos it is not. But I believe that is the very, very first time, that I saw a vulnerable side to him, and it shone through.

It is perhaps the wrong word to use, but it was “nice” to see them breaking out of the typecasts.

I started seeing them as individuals, and suddenly realise this family’s intelligence and academic genes pretty much know no boundaries. Their excellence was pretty much in the blood and has nothing to do with any rigging just because of who they are. Did they get to where they are because they are Lee Kuan Yew’s children? Of course, they inherited his and her braininess. I can only imagine the banters and mental sparrings they had during their 63 years together, there is an equal sign between them.

And then, there was the devastation on MM Lee’s face as he bowed his head to read his eulogy for his beloved. He just looked so fragile from grief that he was obviously not his usual self.

How do you quantify 63 years of unadulterated true love?

This family shared plenty of memories, and they have the details deeply etched deep down in their hearts, and that speaks volume. When was the last time you recounted something so close to your heart with meticulous details?

You know, I can’t help but be utterly envious of what they shared. Sunday gatherings, walks in the park to watch the stars, get acquainted with the birds and flowers, book reading, appreciating the fine home-cooked food in life, and the endless fussing and care to the children and grandchildren… from the children’s eulogies, you realise no matter what age they are, they are still very much well taken care of personally by their parents, and they share everything in the family that the parents still sort things out for them like they were mere kiddos.

I found myself taking notes on how to provide such for Minibean as she grows up. Knitting booties for her children next time (since er, I probably missed the boat to knit for her), be intuitive to her needs always, nag her subtly and exercise some wit which Mdm Kwa has plenty when I want grandchildren…

And there is also the epitome of the woman behind a very successful man. Though it is hard, because women these days have so much pride to compromise, yet knowing more about Mdm Kwa made me aware that she was one power woman who attained that balance.

She is extraordinary in her time, but she believed in love, she believed in family, she went home for lunch with her children during work days, she was well-read, knowledgeable, yet she was humble and never let it overshadow her husband. She was always presenting herself that would elevate her husband, walking 2 steps behind him.

President Nixon: “Mrs Lee, tell me, is it true that you were No. 1 in the class at Cambridge Law School and your husband was No. 2?
Mrs Lee: “Mr President, do you think he would have married me if that were the case?”

And it seems almost too hard, for a woman of her achievements and strength to actually back down for a man to make him look like the world. Especially when she was the sole breadwinner in the earlier years for the family. I know I cannot envisage myself to be that kind of women. I would have problems submitting myself with my steel-hard stubbornness.

A woman whose world just revolved around the man she married, and to the last of her days, he was still the one she couldn’t ease her heart over.

I can’t help but teared, when I saw him walk with faltering steps towards her, red rose in hand, and reached out to touch her, before planting 2 kisses on her lips. That moment, my heart broke.

They had 63 good years. That’s to be celebrated, but losing a loved one, the grief is just too much. And it is evident that it was a very dependent relationship. Even the toughest man needs to draw strength from somewhere, and has more need to draw strength.

I really thought of the movie UP.

I wonder if he has any regrets not being there for her final moments because of his own health issues.. he would love to be there, I firmly believe.

The image of him frail and weak planting kisses on her was so poignant that I couldn’t shake it off and ended up writing here.

I remember it was May 2008 when I was in Moscow.

He was due to visit Moscow with her but had called to cancel the trip because of her stroke. There was nowhere he rather be than be with her, and anything else in the world doesn’t matter. And seeing how he kept saying “That’s life” in the media, it actually made the helplessness more glaring than it masking it.

And the days to come, he personally see to everything she needed. Read to her and talk to her to keep her going. I believe she had stayed around as long as she could because she knew he needed her.

Till death do them part. That’s the level of their dedication, which I have not seen elsewhere before.

We might not have learnt nor experience true democracy, but I believe we were privileged enough to be educated on a lesson of true love.

And the essence of family.

Rest in Peace, Mdm Kwa, you led a fulfilling life.

Take care MM Lee, may you be blessed with strength now that you are on your own for the adventure ahead.