Archive for the ‘Making Sense of Life’ Category

Staying close

August 21st, 2010 by Scarlett Ting

In these months, there were days I would lament to people around me how tiring it is to be have my life revolving around Minibean and not having any adult interaction which I craved badly, or the freedom to just, do my usual stuff as and when I want to.

She had just made a short trip to Malacca, and had gotten another set of kebaya, this time, one she can call her own, and in her love-st  colour – purple.

Something in me ticked yesterday after a long day, when it was dead in the night and I was lulling myself to sleep.

Something has changed.

I realised how much I didn’t want Minibean to be not here me, even for a day, and a part of me is pretty fearful about how the next 2 weeks I probably wouldn’t get to see much of her.

I usually have separation anxiety from her, but it was something I got used to but this time, the separation anxiety seems to come in multiple dosages.

And I am just glad that I am spending this time of her growth with her, though I am wondering I might just slip into this comfortzone and not wanting to let go what we share.

You see, savings might eventually run out, and thus, I’m not being realistic about being a staying home mum.

Nonetheless, I am just enjoying this journey, and I must say, in these 8 months, I probably learn so much about everything, than I ever had in a long, long while.

Posted in Making Sense of Life, Minibeanism | No Comments »

Cervical cancer – A story to share

July 27th, 2010 by Scarlett Ting

I am uncertain where to start.

This is a story I had been meaning to write about, but never quite had enough within me to share, though the closest around me would have heard about it along the way.

I am not sure why it actually takes quite a lot out of me to be revisiting it, that I procrastinated writing this post for the longest time, and even as I am doing it now, I could feel the nerves tangling themselves up in a bundle. I swear my heart rate is increasing and my breaths are getting shallower, and I know this is what I have been avoiding to experience again, that’s why I very nearly wanted to give up writing this.

It was no big deal. It should be no biggie. But perhaps this episode in my life had had much more implications than just something that had came and went, especially when it had happened at a time when I was pretty lost, ignorant and scared.

I will be the first to admit it, I have a fear for pap smears. BIG, MASSIVE FEAR. I get all worked up and defensive whenever I have to go for my pap smears, and it is an emotional thing for me to do so that I would be on the verge of bursting into tears whenever I have to do one.

It is not painful, it is nothing scary and it has something to do with the psychological fear more than anything else which I have since learnt to deal with these couple of years.

But it has everything to do with my first pap smear. That very first one.

And I know, it is a story that has to be shared, with each and every lady out there.

***

So where do I start, really?

It was in 2003, when I was 22, and I had already started blogging, but somehow this only appeared in fragments of subtlety.

I know no one really believes in the bull about intuition, or grace of God if you don’t share the same faith as me, but I really have no other explanation than this.

It was a day when I woke up and nothing felt right. I started crying for no particular reason, and there was a nagging thought in me which I tried to wave away.

I must be mad, I thought to myself (AHEM, I know some of you already think I am, but still…!), but the tears and uneasiness didn’t stop.

I remember it was one of those time when I MSN-ed (or should I say IRC) quite a bit with Faith, and somehow I was feeling so thoroughly miserable that I decided to speak to her.

I told her I just felt something wasn’t right with me, and I wanted to see a doctor. I told her I have this incredible urge to see a gynaecologist because I am just so freaking scared. I told her I couldn’t stop crying with this nagging feeling. I told her I couldn’t understand why I feel this way especially since I had never done even a basic body check up prior to that day, and I just wanted to get my vijayjay and its neighbours checked. I told her it was my intuition and that I know I sounded pretty crazy to be over-reacting with all the tears.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHERE GOT PEOPLE WAKE UP AND FEEL THIS WAY ONE?!

Instead of assuming I was really out of my mind and close the chat window reassuring me and asking me to brush the thoughts aside, she actually told me if it was upsetting me this much, why not just go for a check up to buy myself some peace of mind?

Er… where to go for check up huh? I asked.

Then, I remembered couple of days before I was having meals at Jurong East central and remembered this clinic for women.

I then did a search and found its number.

I even asked Faith if I should really call, cos I wasn’t working and moolah had meant quite a bit to me. But then again, I didn’t know how it was going to work, so I didn’t know other channels to go through (I mean, I could have gone to a GP right?).

I was feeling a tad shy, and I called to ask if they have a female doctor, which they told me they do, but she would only be at the clinic 2 days of the week.

Since it was a specialist clinic, it would mean appointments were pretty packed and since I was pretty clueless, I just said I wanted to see a gynae.

For what? I was asked. Don’t know, just basic check up. Pregnant? No, am not.

I couldn’t possibly say I woke up crying and wanted a check up cos I scared my female bits give up on me right?!

So anyway, I said I wanted an appointment soonest possible, and a date was given.

After making the appointment, the uneasiness worn off, and I got a tad regretful for over-reacting the way I did. And I half expected that when the day passed, I would end up thinking how silly I was, and cancelled the appointment.

As the day progressed, I was ready to give the appointment a miss, and a call came in from the clinic to tell me that they have a cancellation on that very day. It was very last minute, and they have only one slot, the final slot for the day, at 6pm.

Since it was on the very day itself when I called, I actually jumped on the opportunity to say yes, instead of cancelling.

So off to the clinic I went.

When I got to see Dr Chua, she asked me what was my concern, and I just said I wanted to do a check up, and what would she suggest.

She suggested a pap smear, some blood tests and ultrasound was done to look at my ovaries, which she spotted some cysts.

I was told to open up my legs cos I was just too shy, half giggled my way through. I felt something cold, and as I was making small talk with my gynae asking what the procedure was for and if I really had to do it, and it was over before I knew it.

And that, marked my first pap smear, and perhaps the only one that was the easiest for me. I could still joke and make small talk, you know?!

Cysts were my prime concern and other than that, I was sent home pretty promptly without much stuff to be concerned about.

I didn’t have any sort of pain, didn’t have any funky discharge nor abnormal bleeding, nor did I offer any boarding space for things like cauliflowers and mushrooms.

So off I went, feeling pretty alright, and a slight pinch from the bill, booboo-ing my earlier outburst, crediting it to a bout of PMS, and everything was left long forgotten.

***

A call came in one afternoon a few days later.

The clinic. I almost forgot why they would call me.

There was a slight urgency in the caller’s voice when she identified herself, and she had called to ask if I had recently did my check up with Dr Chua.

My pap smear had turned out abnormal and I was told to return for another check up to make sure the report was accurate.

This is where my memory starts to get a little fuzzy, cos it was perhaps the point in time I tried to bury the whole episode.

I was not nervous, cos I simply didn’t understand what an abnormal pap smear meant, but thought I could speak to my gynae to ask what it was all about.

I got to speak to her, and she tried to assure me it was just further tests to eliminate possibilities, and then arranged for me to go for a biopsy (didn’t know what it was either!) with a certain A/Prof Arunachalam Ilancheran at NUH. An appointment was already set for me.

I was pretty uncomfortable with the arrangement, because I had wanted to female gynae all along, but I was told that, for the field it was related to, there was no female gynae she could refer me to.

That got me puzzled, greatly.

Still, I thought nothing of it, so reluctantly agreed.

And then, I relied greatly on the power of internet search to find out what an abnormal pap smear had meant, and what a biopsy is about.

THAT WAS WHEN INTERNET TOLD ME WHAT MY GYNAE DIDN’T WANT TO SAY.

Biopsy is done when there is a suspicion of cancerous cells, and an abnormal pap smear is a major concern.

Still, I tried to keep cool, and that it must have been some kind of mistake (tsk, denial, denial, denial!).

I still wasn’t as worried, as I was more concerned with showing my vijayjay to another male.

The alarm bells rang when I got to NUH, and realised what my gynae had meant when she said he was the ideal person in that field, gynaecology + oncology. Oncology.. wait a minute.. isn’t that.. CANCER?

WTF?!

My gynae was there too for the biopsy.

And I had such mix of emotions that I was confused, afraid, and very much in a daze.

My legs were propped up onto the stirrups, and it was the most unpleasant thing that was told to me, perhaps cos I was feeling so apprehensive and guarded. I was told they needed more sample for further tests, and the biopsy would be done pretty swiftly with little discomfort.

It was when I was told how it was done that I had great discomfort.

A colposcope with a bulb (NOT THE NORMAL LIGHT BULB OKAY, MY VIJAYJAY CANNOT FIT!), magnifier & a camera would be inserted to view the cervix and yes, I watched my you-know-where close up on the monitor next to me. Not. sexy. at. all.

Vinegar was then applied onto the walls, and the abnormal cells would then turn white. He then snipped a part of the tissue (not kleenex, my poor cervix) for sample, which would cause some bleeding, and the discomfort was cleverly masked when he asked me to cough.

Results were out in a couple of days and this time, I think my female gynae called me. Personally.

I was told my condition was actually more severe than they originally thought it was, and they would immediately slot me a date to go for treatment.

If it was mild dysplasia, CIN I, no treatment would be required and it would usually go away on its own.

I was told I had severe dysplasia, and it was CIN III (Severe dysplasia that spans more than 2/3 of the epithelium, and may involve the full thickness. This lesion may sometimes also be referred to as cervical carcinoma in situ) also considered as stage 0 cancer and surgery was needed ASAP as it would very swiftly progressed to Stage 1 cancer if not treated.

The call ended with me in a daze.

HUH?

Cancer?

WHY?!

HOW?!

Bear in mind that I had absolutely NO symptoms except for that weird hunch.

Questions I failed to ask, I got my answers via Friend Google and Friend Yahoo.

I then got acquainted with the term HPV.

I remember calling up asking my gynae why, how and all the questions that came flooding my mind.

Do I have HPV? WHY DO I HAVE HPV? The dilemma, the frustrations, the hurt, and boy, did I even feel a tad of betrayal.

And most of all, shame.

***

Everything defied logic.

And cos it is a STI, who the hell can I even relate it to, except my then boyfriend without being judged? The lack of education on the issue made me incredibly helpless, and pretty much, had no one to turn to.

Even from brochures or even the POCC sites these are the risk factors you should consider:

1) All women who have ever been sexually active

2) First sexual intercourse at young age

3) Multiple sexual partners in their lifetime

4) Smokers

5) Suffered from STDs

I was 1) of course.

But I was a late bloomer, cough.

I wasn’t a slut when I was younger (not that I am now… but that’s subjective you see. HAHAHA. JOKE, OKAY?) and I wasn’t that sexually experienced.

I was with a boyfriend whom I loved dearly, and we see each other 24/7 and I didn’t even hang out with other guys cos he didn’t like it that if HPV was airborne, I was unlikely to catch it either.

I never did smoke prior to that.

No STDs, from my earlier checkup.

So I had to get it from SOMEWHERE, right?

SO. That left me with questions for my gynae, I remember she had asked me not read too much into things.

But I was young, I was ignorant. Then the answer was supposedly clear.

You see, even if you are monogamous, or you only have ONE sexual partner, the sexual history of your partner would play a big part.

Say, your partner, only had one partner prior to you, and you are a virgin, what if the partner before you had 3 partners, and those 3 partners had had 8 partner each, and the number had just grown exponentially.

HPV does not have any symptoms for guys and neither for girls, and since it has not much effect on guys, and many ladies might have caught it which the body immune system would have overcome that.

Back then, I only felt shame, and I did feel a tad bitter that I have something like this, that I plunged badly into depression, and the relationship was dealt quite an enormous blow as well.

I couldn’t get my head around it and I just kept crying, and I was frustrated cos I had no outlet. No support.

***

When the day of the surgery came, I remember I was so fearful that I was in a daze.

That very morning, my then partner brought me to the Science Centre McDee’s for a meal, and got me one of those The Dog cushion. It was because I needed some form of cheering up from all the built up anxiety.

I felt so resentful of the whole process that I was so hostile to the doctors and nurses and just couldn’t find it within me to go through with it.

I shall shamefully admit that I even had wanted to kick the doctor away cos I didn’t want him near me.

I was trembling so much that I actually reached out for the assuring nurse (till today, I can’t thank you enough) and she held my hand throughout.

The process was relatively uncomplicated, it was the same stirrups in the same room I had my biopsy, you don’t even need an operating theatre.

This time, it was excruciating because of the psychological barrier I had.

I was trying so hard not to cry.

Local anaesthesia was administered, and then the horror played out like a movie on the screen as I smelt it happening.

Laser treatment means that the bad cells were burnt off and the sound and smell of it, still deeply etched in my mind for what was an absolutely traumatic experience for me.

When I walked out, I was pale, perhaps cos from the fright, and I actually remember walking from the building to NUH main lobby by this linkway which had these automatic doors, I just had to collapse and sit with my back to the wall to absorb whatever had happened.

In absolute dramatic fashion, I was clutching to the report which stated that I had HPV strain 16 (if I remember correctly) that had caused the lesions.

I was alone (technically I wasn’t cos I had walked out on my own in my state of trance, but still, with no one understanding it, I felt I was all alone). I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t think anyone would understand. So that actually brought on a bout of depression cos of the anxiety, fear, and like I mentioned, shame.

I was told to return back for check up to make sure all cells were removed, and I remember I was so upset that I asked does it mean if all weren’t removed, I would have to go thru it all over again.

I returned, and I was clear.

I was told to return every half a year for a pap smear, compared to the recommended once every 1 – 3 years.

But I know a part of me wasn’t the same anymore, because of the stigma of having HPV, a sexually transmitted infection, and this was 7 years ago before campaigns raised the awareness and gave us more learned information on this.

It is believed that 75% to 90% of those who are sexually active have HPV at some point of their lives.

It could easily be you, and that your immune system couldn’t cope and help you recover.

And because I had no one to turn to, or to get support from, not even my family knows about this, I was reluctant to return for my pap smears.

It was only until last year, in year 2009, 6 years after my surgery, that I had returned to do a pap smear. Only because I had wanted to get an insurance policy for Minibean.

It was not an easy task for me, for all the emotional turmoil and attachment I had associated pap smear with, and thankfully for all the great, great friends I had (whom I had to SMS throughout the entire process so they could cheer me on), whom I had opened up to and did not judge me for it, I got through it despite being so afraid of it.

It was 6 years too late, I know, but I am glad I finally got through with it, and it didn’t feel half as bad, it wasn’t even painful.

This year, I had returned to do my pap smear with polyclinic and am set to make it a yearly affair. Though the reception I had the polyclinic was a little different, cos of the history of CIN III, a doctor had to do the procedure and I was told to return within half a year.

I was so relieved and happy when the pap smear results turned out normal. But most importantly, with the recent Power Over Cervical Cancer campaigns, it has helped me to overcome my initial fear and liberate the emotional burden I had, and pushed me to be more conscientious with protecting myself, cos seriously, 6 years for my pap smear when I am high at risk? That’s stupidity for you.

***

Here are some important facts that I hope to share with ladies out there, and if you belong to the gender with hanging bits between your groins, it is crucial for you to take note and share it with people you care dearly for.

  • In Singapore, cervical cancer takes the life of one woman every 5 days.
  • About 200 new cases are diagnosed every year, with 100 of them not surviving it.
  • Cervical cancer is when the cells in the cervix change or grow abnormally, thus the need for pap smear to detect the abnormality.
  • Almost all cervical cancer is caused by HPV a virus which is very common, but not as commonly understood or heard.
  • It could take decades to develop and you need not have cancer in the family history to develop it.
  • Early stages of cervical cancer have no symptoms, and only a pap smear can detect it like it did for me.

It is evident why this is a cause I strongly support and believe in, because that ONE pap smear, saved my life, and I really would hate to see people around me have to go through with what I had went thru, or are not lucky enough to detect it as early as I did.

That’s why when the campaign had started couple of months back, I was quick to pledge my support for the cause.

With the recent campaigns, more ladies know how to protect themselves from this with regular pap smears, but there would be some who would think they do not have any need to do so because they are low at risk, but I hope my example would make you think twice, and get your pap smear done soon.

LIKE NOW! Go make your appointment ASAP. You need kaki, I can go give you moral support!

***

And if your pap smear is clear, prevention can reduce the risk of cervical cancer greatly too.

And if you are NOT sexually active, the vaccination is perfect for you cos it is aimed at those who are NOT YET sexually active (9 – 26 years old) before HPV could even sneak up on you. It may even be a good idea to vaccinate your child against HPV.

I am all for the vaccination despite already had previous history of HPV.

In fact, though I know that the vaccination would not prevent me against the strain of HPV I already had (which you might not even know you have), I made the decision to go for the vaccination as it could still help me prevent against other strains of cancer-causing HPV strains, and I might still benefit from it.

Thanks to Nadnut’s invitation, I had my vaccination done on last Saturday at Dr Leslie Tay (OMG, he is the man behind ieatishootipost! -fangirl mode on-)’s clinic.

I have to admit that I had put it off for the longest time as the cost was of issue to me and I wasn’t sure if the jab was gonna make much difference, but with the special offer and Dr Tay’s responses to my queries, I decided to go ahead.

Thus, I would like to encourage those who have had past experiences with CIN, to also consider going for the jab to protect yourself from other strains of HPV.

The jab was done at Dr Leslie Tay’s Karri Family Clinic at Tampines, and I was pretty surprised to see some fellow bloggers whom I have not seen in a long, long while there as well.

I was incredibly late (not an Easterner, lost my way and crashed lightly into the cashcard machine cos I was in too much a daze) and was the last one to have my jab.

It was over in a flash, less than a second, and I think I would have been out of the room less than 10 seconds if not of the camwhoring!

Here’s how it went:

He said if I could go through child birth (luckily detected early right, or else how such bundle of brilliance could come out of my you-know-where?!), this should be nothing.

I was sulking not because from the needle, but because I was just too sick from the long journey! The jab was painless! Only thing was, my plaster was placed on my blood mole mistaken for the jab hole… :|

And I got free stickers from the quite cute Dr Tay which I brought home for Minibean (okay, yes, they are disney princesses.. uhm.. hmm..).

We will be back in a month’s time for the 2nd dosage, and then in another 6 months for the booster.

If anyone of you are interested in getting your vaccination, do let me know and let’s see we can get a bulk discount, alright?

Suddenly getting all these off the chest is such liberation. Truthfully, even I, who had went thru a close shave with cervical cancer have so much to learn still. And if you think it couldn’t happen to you, neither did I think it could happen to me.

But, my first pap smear (and that strange intuition) did save my life. I was 22. Way below the average age of women diagnosed with cervical cancer (which is 40s). I did not appear to be in the high risk group. It hit me when I least expected it.

Well, the only certainty in life, is uncertainty, isn’t it? It boils down to how prepared you are for uncertainty.

Wah super long post, and bear in mind my cornea is scratched and I have double vision and tearing while writing this post which wasn’t as emotionally draining as I had anticipated it to be.

Well. If this could help even ONE of you, or convince ONE of you to take charge of this uncertainty, it will be all worthwhile.

***

Power Over Cervical Cancer is a campaign that aims to make Singapore the country with the lowest incidence of Cervical Cancer and they need your help to spread the word. Pledge your support for this cause and protect those you care about by telling them about Cervical Cancer. Together, we have POWER Over Cervical Cancer. Click the button below to begin!

Posted in Intimates, Making Sense of Life | 8 Comments »

I would never

July 19th, 2010 by admin

Remember how I set out to make 2010 different?

Oh boy, different it has been.

Just a tad more and I would have pretty much what I had wanted to do during this period of time, and it has been pretty awesome, though at times the doubts set in pretty promptly, but faith has pretty much tide me through and brought opportunities I didn’t think possible.

Lack of blogposts were contributed by poor hosting, a lack of motivation since I pretty much wall up quite a bit and doubt this space is still active, an inability to find words… and having major distractions like the yummy men running on the field playing the occasional fabulous games of football, or like how this post was halted in between to make milk, brush Minibean’s teeth, and washing her bum bum after she pooped.

Sometime within the next few minutes, I have to change her and then get my chauffeur duties done, before a lunch date with an old, old chum of mine.

You can say I have arrived at auntiedom, or that I am tai-let right now since there is nowhere I am near full blown taitaidom as savings are depleting faster than my energy level each day handling a toddler who is at her most active and curious stage.

Without concentration to let words flow freely and abundantly, the reflective me-time I used to spend liberally has became a luxury.

Only reminders of those things that happened in the past 7 months have taken forms in scattered drafts just to remind myself I would one day jot them down.

Like.. the many things that happened or came to mind.

Keeping fingers crossed that my ambitious target of 4 blogposts by the end of this week is not too impossible, especially since this month only saw me posting a miserable post, the lowest churn rate since this space kicked into operation 7 years ago.

Now, they say about the 7 year itch. It seems very real now.

***

Though I have not ventured onto fulfilling my bucket list during this time, but I thought what would be nice and different is to always pause to put things into another perspective whenever I make a decision.

Like, many people would wanna do what they always set out to do.

This time, I told myself I would do things that I thought I would never do.

Like, public speaking, bungee jumping blarblarblar, things like that, and NOT along the lines of “I would never do John Terry and become a Chelsea fan”.

So an impromptu trip was kicked into motion and though I had an option to go to somewhere cooler and more likely to be somewhere I would go… I immediately stopped to reconsider my other option which I had originally scoffed at.

And all it took was half an hour for me to change my mind and decide to go to a new country, new city to explore a place I never thought I would go.

The excitement and the anticipation is even greater than what I had felt when going to a place of familiarity.

I think plunging into an unknown does bring me thrills. Can’t wait for the surprises (including those that might be unpleasant) await.

Let’s just hope I survive. No land mines. No malaria. No… well, anything that would make this space permanently quiet. Heh.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 2 Comments »

Bad timing

May 4th, 2010 by admin

It has always been a case of bad timing.

Like many other things, and some people, and some events, you think to yourself: Wouldn’t it be so much more fabulous if this had taken place another time?

Even with the bad episodes. Some bad episodes would have been much more easier to deal with, should the timing slots in aptly.

And that person you know who could perhaps fit right into your life, yet timing is not on your side… and neither of you could find the right pacing to compromise.

A fleeting glance, an awkward silence to acknowledge the moment, a slight raise of lips to force a smile, and a mutual understanding that everything has to keep buried because, hey, timing is bad.

How could someone so right, appear at such a bloody wrong time, you ask. And how could someone so wrong breeze pass your life at such a right time, you ponder.

***

And that is the precise reason why I haven’t been heard or seen on this space much, or anywhere in the past couple of weeks.

My blog mojo was cruelly killed off by the unreliable of a blog server host, which contributed to a bit of down time over the past couple of weeks, 2nd time in a month.

The frustration proved too much, and I am in the midst of shifting this space, and not wanting to disrupt anything to the backup I have done, I decided to ease off writing anything here, so a friend could help with the shift.

However, knowing how busy he is and that he is doing me a favour, I am not sure when and if it is already shifted (hahaha tech idiot here, remember?).

Coupled with the fact that I have yet to solve my motherboard issue, and nagged by a backache, -insert another excuse with regards to the killer heat-, I really couldn’t find it within me to get into the familiar pace and momentum that I found just couple of weeks ago.

Okay fine, the fact that I have been watching the Taiwanese series “My Queen” in 2 days had screwed up my sleeping pattern too.

It was the first time I actually got hooked to a Taiwanese drama. And plus the fact that I liked The Proposal, and Japanese series First Love, I seriously think I have cougar syndromes well diagnosed with my obsession with the above mentioned titles.

(If you guys have not heard or watched the above titles, they are all about older, attractive women hooking up with impossibly hot, droolworthy young men. Hohoho.)

Strangely, I haven’t even found the need to go on the MSN I so couldn’t live without, and for a while, I was muted on other social media, and found life without a mobile phone such a natural thing.

This seems to be something I have always been doing, believing that if I don’t get used to it, I don’t need it. Or that if I lose it, it is easier to do so.

It is like, I have not used anything that bears a fruit logo, thus I don’t feel the need to be like in love and rave about how fabulous the fruity products are, except for an iPod like million of years ago. In fact. I didn’t even use it for a month before it got chucked aside by me. I don’t know which corner it is in right now.

It is also why I have yet to do anything to my motherboard, or even extract the information from my hard disk, though I know I will cry, wail, be devastated if I lose my information in there.

But somehow, if there is a chance that I might lose everything, isn’t it a good time for me to start to wane off my emotional attachment to it first, better than to be taken by surprise?

I know it sounds silly but sometimes I do feel and do think that if you prepare yourself for the worst, any good thing will be a good enough bonus that bring accumulated joy, and it is less likely to give us chances to blame situations, or even other people for anything.

Maybe that’s why people who are more confident or hopeful about a situation might end up to be the more bitter ones cos they can’t and they are not prepared to lose.

This thought was brought forth after a nice, long dinner with Jiali, upon discussing about the inevitable topic of competitiveness amongst female friends. Ever had friends who are just out to outdo you for everything and you don’t know how to behave normally around them cos it is that suffocating cos they take everything at literal value and because you are what they perceive for being inferior, your accidental achievement in something trivial is gonna be such big deal to them because they can’t stop dwelling on how much you don’t deserve it.

Some, just can’t afford to lose cos they were just too used to getting their ways since young. Because they lost to someone like you, whom they deem not worthy, that makes them seethe even more. And they try hard not to show, but everyone still can see it. Some mask them better. Some just can’t.

And there is a blatant difference in sharing joy and trying to steal the limelight from a bride cos even something like this is being viewed as a competition, is just ridiculous.

But, like what I was telling someone recently, and then the conclusion is, if she is your friend, end up, what else can you do but to accept, right?

***

I know this is another random thought. But I am in the mood for such randomness.

I don’t know what I did yesterday but for the first time since doing pole, I am having abs muscle ache. But I did not do anything with my abs what?!

***

Another random thought. Please preserve the Chinese Language’s importance in schools. I want my daughter to have quality Chinese education locally, and it shall be her first language, together with English that is.

I don’t agree with the suggestion to shave off the importance of Chinese as a subject in schools.

***

The weather has been unforgiving, and this lethargy and aches plastered all over me have to go.

Seems like everyone is on Hotel City. So am I, trying to decorate the rooms since I doubt I would own my own house anytime soon with the volatile housing market.

And what’s with the sound effect, always seem to have some risque, male moaning sounds?

***

Met some people who went on to prove who people once said they were, and I had optimistically thought it would be proven otherwise.

Er, unfortunately, most of them were right. And a pitifully tiny percentage was just misunderstood to begin with.

***

I have been thinking how if we segmented our lives into different chapters, there will be some we would rather skip, some would be so filled with intense actions, some would bring a tear or two to us.

I miss Chapter 16 Volume 11 and 12.

And like a good literature that sounded too bland for my liking initially, but I re-read to find new meanings to it, I actually like Chapter 17 and 18 too.

Sometimes you read back the chapters and realise how some people interlink, and would reappear at later chapters, and the familiarity of it all comes back as you revisit the old chapters.

I was happy. Chapter 21 and 22.

Chapter 25 Volume 12 was amazing.

And Chapter 26 Volume 12, a quiet indoor Christmas, and the subtle feeling, and the sweetness of it all. I remember saying I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Ho. Ho. Ho.

To be honest, Chapter 26 would have been a horror chapter if not for Minibean. And because of her, it was a glorious, glorious chapter. And because of you (s).

Chapter 27 would be one I looked back with plenty to smile about for the ones who came and go. The things I went out of my comfort zone to fulfill. The places I travelled to, and the spontaneity I sought and found. And again, because of you (s).

Sometimes we can look back the chapters and know that as more things come into our lives to fill the newer chapters, there will be plenty of other things we chew on from the past that would be unrivaled.

Sorry to say, you can never replace who that person was to me.

Rain, pretty rain. An evening of rain, brings such solace.

About time you wash those thoughts away.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 7 Comments »

Favourite

March 29th, 2010 by admin

A quarter of the year is almost coming to an end, and it is only now I seem to have the thought of blogging nagging at the back of my head.

So far, 2010 has been very, very, very kind to me. So is my favourite month of the year (it is tie between December and March), especially with the sporadic rain spells and more reasons to meet up with people I hadn’t seen in a while.

Alas, I wish I could say the same about how it could have been the same for people around me. Somehow I do feel I seem to take on the grief of others sometimes, and everything will just spiral from there.

Besides, the negativity seems to bring out some of the not-so-nice traits in other people, amplify their short-comings as a friend, and you start to wonder how far can this disappointment go. The usual tolerance for such insensitive, juvenile behaviours also came to a halt because you longer defend yourself, but someone else, someone who is vulnerable.

I brought this issue up to someone, who was there for me during one of them mornings when I felt overwhelmed by everyone’s issues and couldn’t find sleep.

It is not our stories to tell, and as with many things in life, there are things we wouldn’t know. You think you know Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? Even in AJ and BP breaks up, maybe they would remember some of their happiest time together as a couple, and will still be happy cos the way they handle it is more unconventional and had a certain kind of understanding. And even if one day we are gloating, they have passed 10 years of happy life (if they choose to be happy when they are happy and even when they are not, so doesn’t mean 10 years of togetherness) while we have yet to move on.

Seriously, it depends which camp you are on to believe they are perfect and happy together without believing in lifelong commitment, or that they are miserable and putting together an act just to declare victory for the world to see. Most of the time, we just see what we would rather believe in, no?

It does indeed, have a feel-good factor to think they are incredibly unhappy together, and everything is for a show, and BP is missing JA every moment… and BP is becoming a scruffy puppy (no, I do not agree with the others who wish upon Downs on their babies just because of this resentment) with the constant fights they are having and they are yadda yadda yadda… so it is like justice, served cold.

But others do no lead their lives for us, just like how we don’t, for them.

If not, wouldn’t it be tiring that if I grow a pimple on my forehead, and other people will think it is because I cross their paths, and I am having a pimple because of them?

I believe one thing for sure, there are bounds to be ups and downs in one’s life, but we can’t say for sure that when there is a down, say 3 years down the road, it is because it happened because he stepped on my toes during Salsa class and I bore a grudge since then.

They may be down and out, say now, or even few years later, and there will be a time you will be too, that’s just the simple logic of life.

And sometimes, depending on perception, you think they are down and out, yet they are at the happiest of their lives, cos a change is about to take place. Or you think they are getting to places they don’t deserve and you get your nerves tied cos your little insecurities and jealousy are playing up, when in fact they might not be all that happy.

I don’t have that much of my life to sit back and wait for the day to happen and gloriously claim those things happen because of me, cos I acknowledge the fact that I am not that important, and the time is better spent, say, watching How I Met Your Mother and worrying which school to send Minibean to (it is a bloody stressful task okay?) like a typical kiasu parent.

In the same breath, haven’t you seen the most tragic happening to the loveliest people around you, and the most manipulative hypocrites getting away with their class acts?

That gotta show that, suck it up biatches, life is indeed unfair.

Sometimes, there are no definite rights and wrongs, but it is all a matter of principles, of how things are handled. There were some things that some parties involved did that are obviously NOT NICE, and it goes to show character. But sometimes, there will be repentant ones, yet some others will just go on cos their egos got in the way and went on to be malicious.

It is quite low, if you ask me.

Yet, the beauty of it is also the people who shine through during this time, the beauty of their characters simply cos, you know these people would have your backs should someday something like this happen to you. And the people who would stand in the face of the verbal abuse just to shield you from them even though they know they would be at the receiving end.

I know like all things, this too, shall pass, with time.

It is a little disheartening at times to see everyone getting affected and quite eye-opening to see even the usual objective people starting to voice opinions of their own.

Through these, you really do know people on a deeper level.

***

It wasn’t my intention to start off this post with something this heavy, especially it is titled “Favourite”. Strangely enough, I have ended up writing about things that are not what I originally intended to write, which honestly, had diffused out of my mind as I went on.

So much had happened in this month, that I feel a need to start my momentum in blogging so as to not miss anything.

Maybe the most significant of all, is the little glimpse I caught of the self I had been searching for, and it gave me enough hope that anything is possible.

It is gonna be a long, long catch up, dating all the way back to 15 December 2009.

I need more quiet nights like this, that words can come effortlessly, though I have to remind myself that I did fall asleep at near midnight, halfway through Magnolia, and woke up at 3am thinking it was 7am.

I was woken up in a dream that was reflecting my reality, just that in my dream, it was 7 am and there was a hint of daylight out there.

I remember I dreamt of Potatomusmaximus, and Jenn, and Jenn was somewhere overseas, and it was a strange dream that didn’t make sense cos we were in a country that isn’t like where we belong, which even Michael Jackson made a cameo.

Strangest thing was we were exchanging adult materials online, and I ended up springing up at 3am in the morning, and having an urge to well, do some “adult research”. Instead of getting the decent, proper movie Atonement, I ended up downloading something by Jenna Jameson.

It is 6ish on a Monday morning, and I still haven’t seen anything adult-ish to get my blood running cos it is taking a long time. Bah.

Giggles, don’t judge me, you will be surprised when I mentioned it to ladies, and even the sweetie pie looking one told me she has an entire HDD she hadn’t explored. You know, I have my needs curiosity too?

It would be the 13th movie I watched in the past few weeks, and the only Blue Movie (oh yes, that’s the title). Don’t ask me why I even need plots for such things.

My blog productivity is not as strong when it is in the day, so perhaps it means more strange and awkward sleeping pattern to bring the bloggomojo back.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 2 Comments »

The quest for lost words

March 25th, 2010 by admin

“Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.”

Don Delillo

***

Words. They either cost as much as the sturdy rope that snakes into a noose, or they come free, like the air that you breathe that keeps you going.

Cheap or priceless? Your call.

Can’t wait to come to my own rescue :)

And someday I will die happy, for I get “quoted” like the great men did. Cough.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | No Comments »

Left? Right!

March 23rd, 2010 by admin

I find it hard to hold my tongue when I see injustice to people around me. I probably can keep my peace, but it irks me how people get away with just playing the perpetual victim, or simply, because they often get away with things cos people give in to them, even when they don’t deserve such privilege.

I do remember months ago, I have a friend who did something not right, and another friend said, “You know how she is, just let it be, we are her friends, what can we do but to let it go, right?”

The friend got away without even a smack on the wrist, and went on to think her righteousness was justified, cos no one disagreed. It fuelled her loud blabs on calling someone else names and stick untrue stories to make someone else look bad, when I know for a fact those things didn’t happen.

Unfortunately, someone else was someone I do know personally, and respect, just that on a personal intimacy level, my acquaintancy with someone else does not supersede a relatively long friendship.

I know of someone who would jump out and protect each and everyone of her friends, and she is like a mother hen, fiercely protecting her chicks.

I always see people around her, and I feel that people are very fortunate to have a friend like her, because of her fierce loyalty to her friends, and you know she is someone who always have your back. Even when your house needs cleaning, or when you are sprung with a bowl of homemade chicken soup, just because she thinks you need it.

Alas, not everyone would think it is a good thing, because many people have pride, and they would prefer to fend for themselves and not let someone else do the dirty job. And there will be people who will be cautious, probably because of the other people they have met along the way who acted protective not because they are truly protective friends, but because these friends wanna hog the drama to themselves and create a bigger script it already has.

But humans do take sides, that’s what it is. Sometimes it is clearer, sometimes it is just by sheer faith and blindness, sometimes it is just, friends, but sometimes it is just…. injustice that prompted words.

And regardless what it may be, I do always feel thankful for the fact that people who had came into my life, seldom mince their words around me, and always put me back in place. For that, I really, really, do appreciate.

I don’t like it when things are said about my friends. I don’t like it when things that aren’t true are said about people who are not even close friends. I don’t even like it when untruths are spun about people am neutral to.

I don’t know how to put it, call it a hunch, call it a fast dissection of characters, or call it protective instinct.

It is like if someone says something about your sister, your mum or your wife or girlfriend, you know the “qi” that flows up to you?

Sometimes some people, however sweet looking, nice and dainty they are, they can trigger such a reaction in you, just like how you can’t put a finger on what is wrong with the equation which is seemingly… nothing wrong.

Funny how this topic started today with a phone call from 6am, with a toyboy on the phone for 3 and half hours, and then we touched on topic from anything from A to Z (and even a plan to just scoot away for a week or so, but I might be charged for abducting an underaged boy hahaha), but then eventually, it went on to human nature.

In fact, it was hilarious cos the usually polished speech of his, became peppered with words I am better acquainted with (The Story of the Polished Nuts, I was told), and the wise one here and the young one were discussing about the art of nonchalance and the theory of karma (which honestly not a theory we believe in) and how all things, shall pass.

Of course, if I do say this, there is always a chance that I might risk sounding double standard about things, cos hey, c’mon, we all make mistakes along the way.

But trust me, I was just surprised when the topic was brought up, and could just giggle at the irony of it all.

You know when we see injustice, we will tend to make a comment, and then we move on after hoping to putting things in place, just that, sometimes, when people’s hearts are not open, it becomes a thorn in the flesh and people do not move on from there, because they believe people have “turn against them“.

And in the absolute rule of the book “Your world is MY world (and it shall spin and revolve around me)”, if you don’t let this species of people get their ways or be agreeable to them, you are in their book of death, probably for a long long time, even if you have long forgotten about them.

You see, me writing this, a few people might think it is about them, because that’s the secondary rule in the book (#2 – Everything is about ME!), but I am writing about a stranger and at the same time, a close friend (see above for the mention of the friend who got away), whom I think had went too far, and I might risk incurring their wrath so much that I might be cursed to become a frog because I said something they might not want to hear.

CROAKKK!

Remember, their rules are the LAW? Cos they had practically being given the luxury of getting away with almost anything, IF you not feeding their insecurities mean, uh oh, it translated to: you have committed a grave sin; because you guys have spoilt them enough that they cannot handle NOT getting their ways.

Or maybe, their acts have brought them far enough to get what they want, and when their acts fail to pull the wools over the unblinded, they panic, and fluster.

However, I am fully aware that it is measurable by our own yardstick of morals and what’s right and wrong, th0ugh sometimes there is an obvious, and some other times, people just say things for the benefits of themselves.

Like the friend who says others are riding the drama, hmm, is she ownself not? Maybe not, cos she is speaking up for a friend. That, I give it to her, cos maybe she forget other people have true friends.

And definition of gorgeous? Something I know a person who slashed someone’s Gucci bag when incensed by jealousy can never be, sniggers. And yes, Rach may be someone I do not know well, but what people around her and around you reflected about you guys, you can never be as gorgeous as Rach that way.

On a side note.

I saw something that happened today between people I do know, and I didn’t like it. Not liking it in the sense that it makes me very uncomfortable.

There are knights on horses whom I failed to see on other occasions, and I have seen broken hearted men saying words of irrationality, which are not new because there are countless girls whom have said the same thing way before his time and got away with. But here’s the difference: he is a guy, and he gets beaten up harshly for it.

I don’t see you jumping out protecting the other people when they are at the receiving end? In fact, all I saw was you trying to fuel if situation is reversal.

Careful if you fall from that horse, it is gonna be very painful from that height.

Emotions often run high, I understand. Excuses can always be found for the other people you know, especially friends. Sometimes, you need a bit of patience to extend that grace to people beyond that.

And it is base on the incident I make this comment, and nothing personal. In the same breath, even if I don’t agree with what you have said and done, I might still speak up for you if same thing happens to you.

All people need, is that bit of understanding, sometimes. Especially a friend in need.

But if you do not have the kind of sensitivity for others, no one would spare any for you either. To give you the benefit of doubt, maybe it was tough love to ask someone who is down and out to grow a pair, but no one did say anything when everyone tried to hide for you when you do not have a pair to let someone know where you were during Lunar New Year. Small things need a pair already, big things, how?

All I am saying, is the grace and leeway for people around you.

Though there will be people who acted not on emotional irrationality, but simply on manipulation and pride… who probably do not deserve any respect, yet sometimes… people will rather side the latter than former.

Okay. Just random thoughts, and my thoughts are with those who aren’t feeling too great and hope they pull thru this time soon.

Yawns.

Just an auntie here watching too much drama series and not very pleased to see my friends being treated shabbily with words and all and feeling this perpetual need to speak a word or two, just cos my weakness is not able to hold my tongue very well.

If this post does get your feathers ruffled, just to let you know I will have my mind on my fishes, my dinner, and my next blog post (wah!!!), my next read and pondering which movie to watch tonight, and you will be there stamping your feet with your breaths quicken and teeth gritted, when in fact, I may not be talking about you at all.

Be well all, be well.

*Beams SQ smile*

It is a bit out of tune for me to post this, but sometimes the tension needs to be diffused, and what better way than to present you the one with the magnetic draw…

Cheeeeeeky one wrote this by herself on Twitpic

Oh yes, that’s my name alright. :)

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 6 Comments »

Oxtail

February 13th, 2010 by admin

It is finally the last day of the year of the ox.

I think the thing with celebrations is, it always give us a chance to make-belief a new start, or perhaps, bookend and conclude something we hope to mark an end to.

But it is just another day, ya know ya know?

I know I hadn’t been updating as promised, probably with the new stuff I have been doing, and some new stuff I am trying to start, and also, I am down with a fever and getting a new bout of flu.

YES, ALL OVER AGAIN.

I had a serious bout just over the Christmas and new year season lor, and what are the chances I had to rush to the doc’s again today because I am afraid of getting the full bout of it over Lunar New Year?

Well, and I was told in the midst of my grogginess I was having a fever.

*Grumbles grumbles*

Not to mention how I was coughing my way to 6-pecs, and the constant constrictions to my head with the hardcore coughing that I developed a bad migraine last night. My nose started clogging up too.

So I had Tramadol, chlorpheniramine and codeine. TOGETHER.

I had mentioned several times how Tramadol gives me a floaty high. I have someone mentioned to me before how half a tablet of chlorpheniramine knocked him out. And we all know about codeine.

Was it surprising that I was unusually floaty and high for last night?

But what I didn’t expect was when I woke up every single time today, I was in a state of confusion and I was still feeling floaty and found myself not able to find the strength to even sit up?

So back to surreal-land I drifted off to.

I woke up and could feel as if the medicine didn’t even wear off after 15 hours.

I took a small nap and the grogginess was with me, and I was having slight shivers with the weightlessness still bugging me. Same, shallow breaths.

I ended up being a mighty infected tonight. They were right to say I might shoot better being high. I should start asking people out for L4D2 when I am having a migraine next time, and I am high on tramadol.

ROAAARRRRRRR.

Since it is the end of the year of the ox, and with me having so much backlog to clear, I didn’t have the chance to blog about my departure from my company.

Yes, I was officially unemployed on the first day of 2010 and it was quite an awesome way to start the new year with a break.

To complete what I set out to do, though some stuff are still yet to tick off.

I have already quite a bit of plans in mind as we progress into the year of the Tiger, and perhaps, this will be the point of things kicking into motion. I know I have been procrastinating, but yes, many of you already know what my plan is. Though a little hiccup and a little advice here and there are making me rethinking about my options. I am not disillusioned to think that the path I take is gonna be all rosy and glamourous, cos I know how tough it is gonna be, but nonetheless, as much as I am quite a dreamer to say this, moolah is not that important to me in exchange for invaluable experiences.

Of course a balance has to be struck.

Or if I am feeling a bit more generous with giving myself a longer break, I would see if I could postpone my plan past my 29th.

At this moment, it sure is great catching up with Minibean’s growth (sorry hun, it is time to get you onto the academic track), trying to rebuild the relationship with my mum, getting the other things sorted, put my health back on track, getting to know the world a little better, and just chill to do a bit of things at the side which I had always been wanting to do.

As much as I am still very much the melancholic person I am, I have to say I have enjoyed the simply joys and the luxury of feeling lighter.. and the improvements in all aspect I have been trying to do in this timeframe. This comfort and assurance is also perhaps why I hadn’t been blogging much, cos… sometimes too many things and revelations along the way, and the typing/blogging/thoughts can’t catch up with the changes.

Yes, I still think a lot, laughs.

Baby steps, hang on there, baby steps.

I wish that it would be a beautiful end to the year of the ox for everyone, and I don’t know whether to say HUAT AH to everyone or not, cos for all I know, people will be huat-ing from my moolah over Lunar New Year.

Still, wishing everyone plenty of prosperity (order prosperity burger when gambling!!), and ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING good Tiger year ahead.

Sounds a bit obligatory lah, but isn’t all celebrations about giving hope of a better year ahead?

Yes, hope. Keep it alive.

Someday, I shall be able to be open as I used to be, on this space, again.

I believe.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 6 Comments »

Invictus – Unconquered

January 18th, 2010 by admin

I think that explains.

Watching a movie that didn’t define us, but had described our fate.

***

The Saturday I looked forward to didn’t quite happen.

The massage which they didn’t go, and the pieces of garments which I had meant to shrunk didn’t get to the tailor’s.

I don’t quite enjoy town area, and I still don’t.

I ended up sitting outside Far East, enjoyed my bubble red tea, and get all blurry-eyed as I stared emptily into the space.

It was that moment, an hour plus into it, when I decided the clutter I no longer want, and deleted everything from my phone. Thousands of them, from various people, many people.

I must have deleted some of those with important information inside, but uhm, oh well, nevermind. But it makes me conscientiously delete those new incoming messages before they build up until it becomes such a tedious job to tidy them anymore.

Then I stood up, and walked away.

***

Met up with Siren and I thought we could utilise the 2 hours prior to the movie to well, save the world.

Alas, the walk around the area proved to be exhausting and unfruitful, and it left little time for us to save the world.

So, we piled on the carbs with some suppering. :)

Not forgetting exchanging horror stories of frightening, hair-raising nature, as well as those laughing-out-loud nature ones.

***

What’s wrong with me with all the fatigue and exhaustion, that makes me feel a perpetual need to prop my feet up or else I feel breathlessness? :(

***

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. — William Ernest Henley

What a poem.

What a movie.

***

Many emotions ran through me as I sat through the movie. For those who know me well, I don’t like to find out too much what the movies I watching are about, unless, those adapted from the books I already read.

I did know the show was good from people’s recommendations, and it was Nelson Mandela related (seriously, who can pass this up?).

And with Morgan Freeman (and that would mean the reminiscing on one of the most brilliant movies made – Shawshank redemption), Matt Damon (Talented Mr Ripley, another of my favourite), and behind-the-camera Clint Eastwood (I bawled watching Gran Torino, what do you think?!), did I hear bonus already?

I didn’t know what the movie was going to be about, nor did I know about the plot. Heck, I wasn’t even really aware it was about, rugby.

But the movie gripped me from the start, to the end. I didn’t even know that more than 2 hours had passed cos the movie was THAT compelling.

It wasn’t long into the movie that I felt moved in a way that built its way up throughout the movie. It is not exaggerated for me to say that I had tears rimming my eyes throughout the movie, which had me walking out telling Siren how I think I was being hormonal cos the emotional impact the movie had on me.

Apparently I was being “normal” cos Miss Cynical agreed with me. Phew.

The movie got us and the chaps talking for a while in the car, and it is a fantastic movie that you should NOT miss.

A message of incredible value to be told to the world, and to remind those who have forgotten.

Of peace, of equality, of…. forgiveness. And it will be one of those films I will list down for Minibean to watch in the future (yes, I do have some kind of this list tuck away somewhere).

I was particularly touched, when the soundtrack Colorblind was playing in the background, with the lyrics:

And it’s not just a game
You can’t throw me away
I put all I had on the line
And I give and you take
And I played the high stakes
I’ve won and I’ve lost
But, I’m fine

Hear me say I’ll rise up ’til the end
Hear me say I’ll stand up for my friends
And I crash to the ground
And it’s just my own sound
I drop in the blink of an eye
I’m colorblind

And your milky way fight
Won’t stop my delight
You keep me and lock me away
And it’s dark and it’s bright
It’s your colorful pride that kept me here 9000 days

Hear me say I’ll see the sky again
Hear me say I’ll drive for you my friend
There’s a noise in the crowd
But it’s just my own shout
A stumble I fall and I pray

Hear you say your eyes see green again
In the end we’ll lived up holding hands
Yes, we’ll spark in the night
We’ll be colorblind
And these are the lives we gave

Hear me say I’ll rise up ’til the end
Hear me say that I’ll stand beside my friends
I won’t stay on the floor
I will settle the score
A stumble I fall and I pray

Hear me say it’s time we stop talking
Eye to eye we see a different face
Yes we we’ve conquered the war
With love at the core
A stumble I fall, but I’ll stay
Colorblind.

The unyielding theme to the movie, and how strong the divide and tension was portrayed, and how everything melted away because of one man’s geniuses, foresight and big-heartedness… and it is beautiful to see people of different agendas from the start to have their doubts and cynicism washed away because of a leader who believes in setting an example and extended the grace of forgiveness to the Afrikaners – and convinced them with the assurances of the important roles they had to play post apartheid.

At the end of the show, I don’t think I remember any divide of colours, as if everyone is an equal, like you and me. It had perhaps helped us to see beyond that. When people unite, hearts as one with their guards down, it is a picture of beauty.

I know it is a bit off pace, but it is not unlike when you are in the stadium and you start hugging everything when your team scores. Think Manchester United V Chelsea in Moscow. -Smiles fondly at memory-

I watched the rugby match with the same sweaty pump, and had my emotions manipulated even though the story was an ending anyone could predict.

I mean, some critics say the film is predictable, but seriously! If it is a story inspired by real-life accounts, it gotta be predictable right?!

Most importantly, it shows a person with heart, who had made a difference, because of his humility, and sincerity.

Forgiveness liberates the soul, and removes fear, that is why it is such a powerful weapon.

***

So many other movies I had wanted to catch. Mother. The Blind Side. Morgans. It’s Complicated. Brothers. New York, I love you. Oh, with The Lovely Bones coming up too. Nine.

***

Yes, as I was saying, Invictus was perhaps aptly describing our fate, not defining us.

It was 3am when we finally left the cinema, and hopped down to Peninsula to realise the LAN gaming centre does not have L4D2.

SERIOUSLY?!

We headed to Prinsep, where the 4 of us took on the world of zombies, and emerged looking like one of ‘em past 7am in the morning.

We could still go on, but the uncle amongst us had decided to fly us kite like the way Siren (kudos to her, did it for the RIGHT reason) had done it the night before.

The first round went pretty ideally at the amusement park, except for the fact that they 3 of them had safely escaped, leaving me to fend for myself as I was “Raped” by those zombies.

I have to say again how much I love my melee weapons, and I seem to work the best with the katana and the axe so far.

And I have no idea why my teammates always shouting and screaming for me, asking where I am, and no matter how I tried, I could never find or keep up with them.

In a real life zombie-attack, I probably would be the first to perish, since I kept losing my way.

Is it any surprise when the credits rolled and it said, “In memory of.. Scarlett Ting“?

Pfft.

And subsequently, despite hours after hours, rounds restarting after restarting, we never did manage to conquer past the 2nd map we played, even though it was on EASY mode.

ROAR!

And us shouting NBCB turned out to be quite demure and subdued with the rest of the people behind and around us going 10 times beyond that.

We felt normal already!

Damn high can?! We walked into the sun-lit sky feeling all the energy ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!, sapped up within seconds and it did feel like I was really raped(figuratively of course) by thousands of ‘em zombies and thus the chui-ness of it all.

But I bet if you pull me back into the LAN shop and get me onto another map, I could probably spell Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious without missing a letter under 3 seconds cos my mind will be THAT sharp. Alas, didn’t happen, cos not enough kaki.

So we walked out as cowards, wimps, underachievers, who did not conquer the infected in that map, FOR MANY TIMES.

Boo!

***

I went past the overhead bridge near my place on my way back, and the movement of the figures on it made me shot up from my lazy lean and my mind just seem to go into instinctive zero-ing in on my target, and how I would aim my gun and pull the trigger.

Shudders.

I remember having the same traits during my Battlefield 2 phase.

It is not a good news that I went to sleep after HIMYM (yes, I even had the energy to continue on with that), and had several dreams about zombies and how I would go about killing zombies.

I insist that I am having such dreams cos of severe deprivation and the utter sense of failure for not conquering the map which well, we fail to overcome.

And then I dreamt about taking a boat ride with Minibean and forgotten to bring her home.

DUH.

***

Sunday was leisurely nice as we went to meet up with Suki who is in town for another visit, and we ended up having fabulous Peranakan food at PeraMakan at Keppel.

Buah Keluak (Minibean loves it!), and finally my Pulot Hitam with Gula Melaka. Plenty of yums. Ian shot me a look and gave a laugh when he saw the amount of rice on my plate. Ahem. It was no good news I finished all that carb. It was just good that the guest enjoyed her food :)

Minibean was excited, and her cough has became so phlegmy and she just manja-ed in my chest for a while before trying to tease and disturb me. She adores her jiejie Suki too.

And her favourite these days is the story of Goldilocks and the three bears, and she can recite the story to every bit of the details.

She is just so amazing.

***

I love my prosperity burger and twister fries and iced tea, nevermind that one upsized meal suddenly doesn’t feel enough. Slurps.

Burp!

Finally HIMYM Season 4 is finished and onto season 5!

Then it would be time to catch up all the fabulous movies I had missed in 2009. Gee, how about the Texas games and books I neglected?

And the plenty of updates I had put off?!

I need more time!!

And the spontaneity I promised myself in twenty ten?!

Tsk.

Oh sheesh, is today my first lesson for Pole 2 already?!

Bah.

Woohoo, happy Monday! More meeting ups this week!

Posted in Life's Fillers, Making Sense of Life | 14 Comments »

Doctors without Borders in Haiti

January 14th, 2010 by admin

No words can describe the emotions the pictures of the devastation and grim reports brought forth, and if you have read the reports (I couldn’t stop fighting back the tears while staring at the picture of the father holding his girl, she must have been Minibean’s age?), seen the pictures, you would understand.

My prayers are with the people of Haiti, as well as the trained personnels who are involved helping out with the rescue, and reconstruction work.

Haiti is a country that was already plagued by poverty prior to the earthquake, and this quake is the worst disaster it has experienced in 2 centuries, and had demolished important structures like hospitals and agencies that are crucial to rescue and humanitarian works.

Even its control tower is destroyed, which makes rescue teams from other countries finding it a challenge to rush into the city to provide relief.

And it makes me fume that while the world is trying to help, its own people are trying to rob the victims. With the flood of dangerous criminals out on street after the prisons caved in… all and all.. and the people stranded on the streets with no medical help, Haiti is looking at threats of the aftermath of the shake. Everything is reportedly to be in chaos.

Not forgetting asswipes like this, who make such disgraceful statements that remind me why shameful incidents in my motherland exist.

Many people in the world had been pouring with requests to volunteer their physical help, but the only people they require are people with expertise in the field of relief work, and that leaves people like you and me, to help in the most practical way – by donation.

There are a few organizations that are helping, and I narrowed down to a few important ones after reading on the reports.

It is just heartbreaking.

With their health care systems in ruins, and hospitals collapsed, the most important and essential thing is to provide medical aid, get them better, and eventually reconstructing their lives. The number of people who needs help, is almost equivalent to Singapore’s entire population and for a country that was already requiring help prior to the catastrophe, it isn’t going to be easy for them to cope.

We have seen South East Asia recovered from the awfully tragic Tsunami, and it wouldn’t have been possible if not for international help.

Doctors without Borders have 800 ground staff and more on the way into Haiti as emergency response to help with the rescue efforts, and several reports have cited how Doctors without Borders are trying to operate at 2 hospitals and setting up inflatables to replace the other medical facilities lost.

Doctors without Borders, or Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) is an independent humanitarian medical aid organisation. We are committed to providing medical aid where it is most needed, regardless of race, religion, politics or gender and also to raising awareness of the plight of the people we help.

They were operating in Haiti before the quake, and had clinics and hospitals set up. Unfortunately, some of them were considerably wrecked, and with some staff injured, it is also a mission they are struggling to cope with right now.

The operations need to be sustained, because they are pillar of support for the helpless people on the streets. People are just helplessly wandering around on the streets, because they could go no where, and when the staff pass by, the people will plead them to treat the injured.

They are also the hope for the people to cling onto dearly.

And with more to start from scratch for this, I believe a donation would be the best you and me can help.

You can follow their efforts with the sites of different countries, and the illustration of what they do with the money collected.

I don’t know who are still reading, but wherever you are in the world, do contribute to whatever cause you believe in to help the victims in Haiti to rebuild their lives, their homes, and their country.

DONATION CAN BE MADE HERE

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 4 Comments »
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