The accident couldn’t have came at a “better” time, when I was just mulling over the finances. With my new job, it brings plenty of fulfillment, but at the same time, it also means that I don’t get paid until like say, 4 months later, which means plenty of financial planning is essential to last me to my payday.

And being new at it, these coming 4 months are mostly spent picking up the ropes, which translated to tighter finances and lesser returns. Being an idealist, sometimes the job satisfaction means I am willing to compromise what I get because… well, sometimes you feel better making things happen for some of the people you meet that you forgot how to say “no”.

I am not complaining, but have to remind myself to be a tad more realistic. Then again, I trust everything happens for a reason and the Big Guy up there will be watching over me.

I have been busy, tired, and I think almost to the point I am burnt out. Public holiday was spent rushing to the airport in the wee hours of the morning, and Saturday was spent commuting between schools, and doing my virgin briefings with plenty of nerves being tugged and tied. Weekdays are just plenty of late-nights in the office to finish the neverending stuff. I am not saying I am hardworking, but because my mind is wired in the way that I am not-so-competent, I need to be doubly cautious and need more time to catch up to speed.

Put it this way, I just managed to finish all my Shanghai laundry… and it has been 2 weeks since I got home. And my luggage still sits neglectedly at a corner cos I haven’t unpack everything yet.

Damn.

I can’t remember when was the last time I have had some proper sleep, or some quality time with Minibean, which I feel terribly bad about.

This morning, I made it a point to send her to Sunday school because I feel a need to do something for her… Alas, being a full time mum is not being financial-wise, but I look forward to the lull period in December when she returns from her trip, and when I return from mine to make up for the lost time.

In time baby, in time.

I had an ominous feeling over the week with all the fatigue building up, that for the first time since I got my driving license, I was contemplating not to drive out.

Then again, I was thinking about all the costumes for the dressing up party for Crystal’s birthday and a gathering with the pole girls that… I don’t think I really should be prancing around in what I was wearing on the public transport system.

Case in point: Ahem.

I will probably die walking around in the above, or trip to my death or something. In fact, there was a point last night I was standing still on a spot without moving, and I tripped.

Yes, I am clumsy that way.

It was my first somewhat Halloween party, though it was not really a Halloween party per se cos there was no scary dress code, but it was a private gathering of the pole chicks where the theme was lace and leather.

Yes. How kinky.

We also gathered for the gorgeous Crystal’s birthday….

Okay, maybe Ella’s camera’s picture is better:

I was on my way to the dinner and I actually couldn’t remember which way to turn, which was quite rare, cos I normally know my directions awesomely well, and I was looking out for the road signs.

Obviously I missed it.

It was when I saw the traffic light was red, and there was car which stopped right before me.

Somehow, I thought I saw the car moved forward, and I loosened my brake.

I didn’t even realise my car rolled forward. In fact, I don’t think I even realised I hit the car before me, because I was that tired and stoned. My car didn’t even jerk.

So this was the damage I caused to the fellow Toyota driver before me, and I surveyed my car. Not even my number plate had a scratch nor a dent to it.

My Prius is very the sturdy, don’t you guys dare to make jokes about my lovely Prius next time.

I know it was every bit of my fault so I beat myself up pretty badly the entire night, and I can only have myself to blame.

We exchanged numbers and IC and he didn’t even look at my number or IC twice and he just took it. Must be a nice person cos he didn’t throw vulgarities my way or I might just break down and cry though I looked very steady when I got off my car.

I asked him to call my phone to verify it is a valid number and he didn’t find the need to do so. Super nice, so I feel even worse.

I wanted to message him to reassure him I will be responsible for it, then… obviously I had misplaced the paper lah! I only managed to find it under my seat when I got home late.

Anyway.

Totally regret I didn’t leave my car at home.

Oh well.

Anyway. I got more jittery as I drove off, and spent another 20 minutes getting lost around Tanjong Pagar, whether if I was still tired, or in shock, I don’t know.

This is the way to drown my sorrows at Crystal’s birthday before I made my way out. I brought along her present but didn’t have the time to wrap it, sibei pai seh, I go pretty it and pass to you on Tuesday okay?

The most amazing part of the pole journey, is the amazing people you meet, the spontaneity, and they are nowhere bitchy, and are always there to encourage you. Happy birthday resident Smurfette! HAHA, it looks like everyone’s got a pole!

The chap called me today to let me know that IDAC assessed it to be $1k, but since insurance is under my dad’s name, I just want to settle everything by myself without getting him involved.

Man. Super broke.

Me and the most gorgeous doctor ever, Li Jia, only recently then I realise she’s a Shanghai babe, I should go drink more of the water there.

Taken with Li Jia’s camera. MUAHAHAHHA I want to buy her camera, got optical illusion function!

Hottest doctors, EVER!

You know life is unfair when you meet people like them. Hot, sexy, smart and with the nicest possible characters to match.

Me and the awesomest instructor – Eunice.

With her again. If only I have her grace and creativity.. she’s such an inspiring character, I tell ya!

Saw the pole and couldn’t resist jamming a little.

The most I could do before I sat down to watch the rest perform, and they were amazing. Time for me to spare some time to head down to studio to catch up before I couldn’t even hold myself up on the pole.

I have a song in mind to do choreo to.

Actually. 3. I am very greedy but then.. I can’t do a damn choreo and wish for the day I could to come.

I think I should go binge eating before I start starving myself to save up! And then hardworking-ly work them off with more stretching.

Counting down to less than 3 weeks before next trip.

I find it almost embarrassing to be such a downer on a lovely day.

I should be dedicating my energy to garner votes for Jennifer and Ryan who are fabulous people, but at the same time, I can’t find enough energy to even will myself to. I owe them that.

You let me down. But the most hurtful of all, is to know that I let you down. Alas, not from you.

I would like to talk candidly about it.

I would like to pour out every molecule of my thoughts into this space, but suddenly, the jovial manner I had recounted the seconds that passed in the dramatic moments last night had abandoned me to deal with the raw brutality of it all.

You know, sometimes I think I write about my darkest thoughts and air the dirty laundry despite raised brows just so that as I write, it is as if I am narrating about someone else’s story, anyone else’s but mine, as if the reality doesn’t belong to me.

Make belief. You know. Though sometimes people do doubt the authenticity of the drama episodes… I do wish all these are just a figment of my imagination.

I still feel surreal, and it hasn’t really sunk in completely yet I guess, good that I still have last defense up, that I feel some kind of numbness, but the laughs and animated illustrations had ceased.

I am still stubbornly refusing any attempts to break my last line of defense.

I wish I could say the last time someone hurt me, during that difficult period of time, it hurts more.

I actually couldn’t.

I don’t judge you. I am just disappointed, and feel a great sense of betrayal of the lies you woven.

Everybody could. But you. I hung on to that hope.

I tried. Oh God, I tried so hard. When one reason failed me and wavered my determination to make everything work, you just destroyed the other half of the reason that kept me going.

The only thing I could muster was that deadly coldness. I think you killed that part of me enough to remind myself not to feel vulnerable towards anyone, anymore.

Well, besides Minibean that is.

And the last defense is down.

I really tried. I really, really tried. I have done all I could to make you guys validate my existence, I have tried so hard to stay strong. I have tried so hard to stubbornly flogging the dead horse.

I tried so hard not to break down, but as I am writing now, maybe the release I need is here to help, maybe because there is no real person in the world I can or want to turn to, and I can only cry out my desperate plea in this space, before returning to my reality as if it never happened.

If it were someone, or someone else, I don’t think it will shatter me as much. But suddenly, this fear of being utterly alone in that darkness scares me.

It didn’t have to be this way.

I tried so hard. I tried so hard you know. Don’t you guys see?

Don’t you see?

Do I even mean anything to people I truly love and care about? I have stopped finding out the answers cos I was afraid of the rejection and the hard truth slam in my face.

Now, I got the ultimate answer from you.

I know I will be okay.

This pain, like all others, shall pass, too.

I am lost. Only for a while, I know.

The curtains are drawn and the show is over.

Wasn’t supposed to turn a tidbit of life into a soap opera, but I guess,  plenty to see how people react when self-interest is involved.

An eye-opener definitely.

I have received plenty of emails which perhaps explained why the supposed one-off post left more bad tastes in the mouth, but I shan’t go there anymore cos I don’t know how to play games as well.

The blessing is, for every not-so-nice thing that happened, there are always 101 other nice things that made up for it.

I wanna say kudos to a bunch of very amazing, special people, who are from the organizations of the people involved, and are in some way affected because their hard work are and image are tainted by this episode.

For this, I wanna express my heartfelt gratitude for your understanding, as well as a big, big sorry for affecting you guys in anyway, be it be morale, be it be the constant bugging from people who kept on asking you guys about the saga, or that you feel that your hard work is never gonna be enough to catch up with underhand methods.

I have had understanding agents who against possible backlash, decided to bare their thoughts, and shared their support to S and baby in quiet way.. expressing their disgust of how some of the people react to the saga but even tough they don’t agree with it, I can see how it is something they have to live with cos afterall, their leaders are involved and they can’t possibly have a voice of their own.

And the most amazing, are the people in the banking industry, both male and female, of the same company, whose reputations are on the line because of the black sheep, yet they had NEVER, EVER put S down in any way, and they had decided to bear the pressure brought forth by the black sheep and work even harder.

They did not even complain how the blog affected them and some said they would do the same, and their graciousness is something I will remember for a long, long time, whereas many others from the other side, had proven to lack.

The most important thing is, these people with such big hearts all told me their utmost concern, is S and her baby, and that they don’t condone whatever that their fellow colleague did, and that they would like to pass their regards and love to S.

This compassion certainly holds more weight than pretty pictures of friendships painted but not granted.

So, uhm, I don’t know it helps, but do take loans from these bankers okay? They are really nice and genuine and they are level-headed enough to put their issues aside and focus on S, so I am sure they will value your interests before profitability too.

I don’t know many of you guys, but I want to thank many of you, I don’t know where you all pop out from, but then, thank you.

And freds, I think you truly caught the essence what I was trying to get across just by the first paragraph of your comment. Thank YOU. I know there were some really cool comments who spoke up for me and there were some slamming whoever and all. But this truly resonates.

I applaud your utmost effort to withhold your roaring and seething anger even whilst you were expressing your pain for abused S. At some point of your entry, I sense your erupting rage and anger, to strangle D. Well. It is often almost impossible to keep your emotions within to craft an objective piece which seeks to create awareness and garner support for one character who is apparently deeply affected.

That’s all I needed.

It’s a humbling experience. But if you were to ask me, would I do it again?

Yes I would.

With no editing.

A friend whatsapped me today. She asked, why. I told her, if it were her, I would do the same for her too, but I know she is too afraid to lose the man and that’s why I had never gotten down to doing it, because I know for sure she wants to hang on to. I just hope she doesn’t crumble. Be strong.

S is someone very different from my usual girl pals, and there is just this.. I don’t know how to explain, like if it happens to me, I probably think I deserve it, but if it happens to her, it’s like, WHAT THE…. well, you get the picture?

And I remember 12 years ago, the 3-persons BBQ, and she.. didn’t mind being a friend to a socially-awkward 18 year-old who felt immense loneliness and super lost cos she just returned from overseas and feeling that fear.. when everything wasn’t what it seemed like before.

How can I forget the funny people, yes you group there. You know they are the right person with same frequency (especially when they had to go to the roof to get reception to bzz bzz to you) when you say a joke and they don’t get offended, and you can even throw a vulgar word their ways and they don’t sensitive and will laugh with you, even though the joke is on ourselves.

Eh, KNN. Was supposed to keep it short, but guess I get a tad emotional, with all that warm and fuzzy feeling tonight.

Thank you guys who feel a need to grace here.. and with this, I will like to draw the curtain on this issue, even if it is for a while (my instinct is telling me it ain’t over yet. I never know what people might do).

So, no more show. Shoo now, get going. Move along now.

And return me this little not-so-private space of mine for all things fluffy, irrelevant, mundane, emo and crazy.

God, you really have a sense of humour.

And where do all these people come from *looks around awkwardly and twiddles fingers*?

I decided to stay underwater for a while, waiting for everything to cease itself (I know they always do), but instead of things dying down, the previous post and it’s comments had riled up responses I never expected.

How do famous bloggers deal with it I wonder, for what they get is millions times worse and I could barely deal with it, and kudos to them for standing firm (though some are just kuai lan and deluded… cough, PZ cough), and strong enough to handle all that was thrown their way.

I feel if I had wanted to write something yesterday, it would be something that would be quite emotional, cos it isn’t the fact the things D and his friends tried to question me (or some senseless bugger who had threatened to post S’s address in the comment box, who would do such a thing?), but because I feel sad to see first hand what kind of people S has to deal with in her real life.

It would also be emotional in the sense that.. I will probably sound a little vulnerable, because there were many things that came to mind naturally to an over-thinker *points to self*

There were points I wanted to cry, I know I sounded strong, rational, and all, but all I wanted to do is to scream, “WAKE UP YOUR FUCKING IDEAS“, and some responses were so delusional that it made me feel great injustice and sadness to S, and did it make me feel bad about myself?

Nada. Nope. Zilch. Don’t haaavvveeeee.

Putting emotions aside and my eyeballs firmly back in place (stop rolling, dammit!), there were a few things that came to mind.

1) Should I blog as normal, because those NPs might try to imply I bring traffic to my site so people will read my boring stuff.. especially my supposed next post before all these is about my travels, picture intensive ya know? Might be accused of shoving pictures of my old, haggard face down people’s throats. Yawns.

2) Should I blog something conclusive for whatever that transpired through the comment box and the emails cos it was what I felt, but then it might be misconstrued of this and that. I realised that if you are new to this space, you probably don’t get my wry sense of humor (or the lackthereof), and then there are more things for you to say I nasty lah, blarblarblar, cos no, you guys were never nasty, it was just verbal vomit, and integrity coming from your part.

And there is also a possibility that I might get at it really bitingly and I better sit on it and wean off that feeling of wanting to bite someone’s head off.

3) Or should I write something tongue-in-cheek which I had planned on doing 2 nights ago, and potentially having some people who see the funny side (I find it damn funny and would normally have blogged about it!) and some might lambast me for being frivolous…

4) PR and crisis management 101 for corporations. Tongue-in-cheek. “What-not-to-do-when-company-reputation-at-stake”. That one I sure kenah jia lut jia lut and people will say everything about it is nasty. Even if it was said in good fun, and I reckon it to be an really important lesson to learn.

5) Go somewhere and sit down and cry, cos catch 22 anyway for everything I do right?

6) Find somewhere and dive underwater, away from the noise and all. Go somewhere, anywhere. I was talking to Jiali last night and maybe we would make use of her groupon voucher to head to Paris! But that’s still far, far away.

And I am wishing that I had taken up the Manado dive trip Nikki suggested for us to go in April, so I can block out all the noise and turn a blind eye to whatever that had happened.

Or maybe I should just act on sheer impulse and borrow loanshark to go on the Maldives dive trip with Gills so I can see real sharks instead of hounded by those around here.

There’s just something calm and peaceful about the underwater, and a sense of liberation as I was just telling SBB when we were in Batam last week, and Maldives was somewhere I would love to head to next.. and a dive trip alone sounds perfect at this point of time.

There’s one thing I would like to say though, sorry Jacki for all the trouble I have brought you.

Cos the coward of a D had called up my host on Wednesday to look for him but Jacki wasn’t around so the staff had passed on a message that a law firm called to say want to sue me (don’t know real or not).

When D finally got to Jacki yesterday, he had ask him to block my blog and remove my entry on his end.

I think my host scared I write about him being unprofessional (kidding!) cos who still dare to host their blogs with a host who takes down posts at simple requests,  so he informed me as a courtesy..

So thank you for taking that for me, and I apologise for the trouble.. I really appreciate the heads up, and I feel bad you got dragged into this.

Don’t say don’t have, people can say whatever they want, I make up for you here, at the risk of being accused of doing it solely for traffic *sneers* HAHAHA. Anyone wanna go diving with me with Gill Divers then we can go flirt with Jacki (that might get me away with things you know, learn from Y one).

And D, You have my email address, wouldn’t it have been easier to just come after me *gives pageant smile*? I welcome your side of story if you would like to put things straight.

I shall go one corner whimper and cry.

Seriously, I don’t care what you guys throw my way, cos I stand by what I had said, and some of the comments that attempted to shut me up, had ironically fuel more reasons for me to speak.

And I think I have been quite restrained. Trying to rationalised and yet keeping my personal anger for a friend reined back.

But it seems like I ain’t the only one. Y, your “friends” don’t seem to like you that much either. I have people from the property company adding me on facebook, just to tell me how you “work”. D, good for you for such an easy catch.

I just wish people have more shame to care about someone, a person, rather than their work.

Okay side note, my crush on Steven Tyler, oh God. Imagine our baby will ook like Liv Tyler.. okay damn random… that’s me, chill everyone!

Well, it was the result of too fabulous a Saturday. As always, you take some, you give some, and the trade off would mean waking up on a Sunday, barely able to open your right eye, and when you open your left eye, the pain on your right eye automatically weighs down your left.

So. I couldn’t keep my eyes opened for more than 30 seconds, before my right eye would go into a teary mess.

The teary mess in turn creates a stinging, burning sensation in the right eye… that brings on further discomfort, and more tearing.. and you think to yourself how this is certainly not the way you expect your dysfunctional tearducts to start working again.

I tried to close each eye to survey the damage.

I know I was in pretty big trouble when my right eye’s vision was a perpetual blur, even with the glasses on. I can be pressing my nose into my handphone screen and I still cannot make out the words on my phone. That’s how bad my vision is.

When my vision was accessed, I had trouble even making out the finger numbering when the Medical Officer was just a meter from me.

But besides the bad vision, the inability to open my eyes was what I was really worried about.

I didn’t care if I was a fashion disaster, and I just grabbed whatever I could get my hands on to change and headed out.

And with daylight at its full glory, my photosensitive eyes switched on the waterworks pretty swiftly. I sat in my car and knew I probably could keep my left eye opened for only 5 seconds before I had to close them to will the discomfort and pain away.

Was sent to a nearby clinic to see a GP, one of the very few clinics opened on a Sunday (tsk! Of all days!). He said it could be contact lens infection and dispensed the usual SOP advises that if I could open my eyes when he was talking, he would probably see me rolling them.

His advice was to go down to the A & E, simply cos it was a Sunday, no eye doctors around, and my eyes were impairing my daily routines, so much so that when I alighted at the carpark, I didn’t once open my eyes as I was helped to the clinic and my eyes still didn’t stop tearing.

The blurred vision was giving me giddiness, and the sun was starting to make my photosensitive eyes too painful for me to handle. I thought I might just collapse. It didn’t make any sense to me cos I was just having a swollen, painful eye, but I didn’t understand how it was bringing me this much discomfort.

Decided to head to A & E since it was a Sunday and I didn’t wanna sit on it till Monday cos I wanna know how serious it is and make necessary arrangements for Minibean’s school tomorrow, and as I am going on a trip on Wednesday, this eye issue really sets out to be the dampener of everything.

I was dropped off at the entrance, and since it was too bright and my eyes were tearing constantly, I had to stagger a little and my hands were out in the air searching for the pillars and beams. The giddiness certainly wasn’t helping.

Before I knew it, I heard someone’s voice, and I managed to peep out of my left eye (which perhaps due to the swollenness, despite it being okay, I could only open 1/3 of it, and I felt like I was fighting sleep) to see a paramedic came to me and insisting on helping me.

I told him I was perfectly fine and it was nothing serious and he told me sternly to let him do his job, which perhaps involves him not letting anyone walk into any pillars/onto the paves of the ambulances and damaging the property in the process.

So before I knew it, with total embarrassment, he had asked for a wheelchair and an assistant came to strap me into it.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No need so drama right?! My protests went unheard. I even shared that when I was in labour and my water broke, I didn’t even use a wheelchair.

But I have to say throughout the process, I didn’t even quite open my eyes to see how they look like or even take down their names.

I cannot even start saying how embarrassed I was. I cannot decide if I would be more embarrassed in a wheelchair or walking into the walls. I think at that point of time, sitting in a wheelchair was more embarrassing than anything else.

And when I was supposed to take out my IC, I couldn’t see and I ended up taking out my MBS (cough, it means nothing, really) card. DUH.

It was such a boring wait since I couldn’t see anything to read but I managed to have my little indulgences when I peeped out of my left eye to tweet within 30 seconds and then bear with the excruciating pain to my right eye it brought… cos boredom triumphs pain in my dictionary.

That is my good eye you see in the picture, it was also swollen and opened to the max as it could. IMAGINE THE EYE THAT WAS BAD?! Superbly embarrassing to be “parked” at the wheelchair zone.

The bruises on my arms and legs make it seem like I was more like an abuse victim than anything else, and my eyes probably looked like they were punched.

Went to the Triage (would have taken pictures if I could see, a camwhore never changes her hiaoness) with help since I couldn’t see the numbers flashing, did some depressing tests to know my eyesight was pretty screwed, went to see another doctor who dripped some stinging iodine or something into my eye, before referring me to the eye doctor.

The eye doctor then did some tests to show my cornea has quite a bit of a cut, asked me to stop using the solution given to me by the GP cos it was going to build more toxins in the eye, and then I was sent home after being charged with a hefty bill.

I had to lie down throughout the journey home cos it was making me freaking unwell.

Got home, skipped dinner and went straight to bed after making arrangements so that Minibean would be cared for by her grandparents over the next few days. I was pretty glad I did some housework yesterday so that I don’t have to struggle with the chores cos I don’t think it would be pretty if I walk into the walls.

When I woke up, Minibean gave me a ready hug before I sent her off, feeling a bit morose cos I had wanted to spend the time with her this week, but I probably would be home bound for a while so I don’t become a safety hazard so that means no ferrying services. Bummer.

Besides that, I would really weep if I miss the beauty of the place I am leaving for, so praying for speedy recovery.

But thankfully, my eyes are good enough for me after the nap and medication to shut one eye and blog this post, and hopefully, I can finish 4 posts by tonight so I don’t have to fret over the limited time I have on hands.

Another note, it is quite terrifying to go through the day without depending on my sight. It was as if I couldn’t hear as well, and eating without looking at my food was not as appetising as well. Had to sharpen other senses consciously so I could gain a bit of confidence going thru the motions today.

I regret taking my sight for granted everytime I abuse my eyes with prolonged lens wearing, or when I get stingy over eye care (monthly lens become bimonthly, or simply the laziness of not changing the solution in the casing). But when I cannot see clearly, and the colours are not as vivid, it depresses me greatly. Even typing depends largely on “feeeeeeling” you know?

Will promise to be good to my eyes after this episode. YI HOU BU GAN LE! *pulls my ears*

(GASP! Just tried to select all + copy the entry like I always do in case you know, the internet screws me in the arse which happened once too many times. Then my vision caused me to select PASTE. And my post disappeared. Heart nearly wanna stopped, but thankfully the Undo button worked twice round! Yay!)

Extra: I just took off my glasses to put my medication. I am actually wondering if the cut to my cornea is like, uh, lasik. My short sightedness is bad, and that means I normally can’t see things too far a distance away. Just now my injured eye actually managed to see some words 2 metres away though it is blur, it is still sharper than my left eye. Which is strange cos my right eye can’t see anything near, have I became long sighted in one eye?!

On top of the pulled hamstring I have (which apparently I pulled the front muscle of the same left thigh, tsk), I think this week is really not my week. Hmphf.

Unfortunately for me, the days of me locking myself out of my own blog and ended up not being able to update most things at the fastest instance, kinda dampen the enthusiasm a little.

It was a long, long meeting that I dread, but it turned out well when I didn’t have to do something that was out of my comfort zone. Which was funny cos it was “taught” to me during Hanoi, the key to corporate survival after everyone had a drinks or two, and ironically at the same time, it was the opposite what the TKI report reflected about me.

But phew, the episode I dread didn’t happen. Yay! Things are picking up fast and my focus on work has been gradually on track since my return from Hanoi.

Much things have changed since the trip and I walk around the office with a bounce, and somewhat I could hold on to eye contacts a little longer these days. No more shy shy… okay, fine, just a lil. Heh.

Plenty of things on my plate, which probably explains the length of rest I take these days, time I leave office (it is nice in the evening, really!), and the lack of proper updates (okay, fine my site wasn’t friendly to me either).

Rushed from work to Novena and then brought Minibean to SGH for visiting before wrapping up a draining day with a sleeping Minibean in my arms.

***

God really has a wry sense of humor. 50 – 50.

Very funny.

Wah, even like that can be ambiguous.

No. Hmm, uh.. half yes.

Eh. Yes.

!!!!

No.

????

Okay, fine, I don’t care.

Maybe it is a lesson that there really isn’t need for black or white.

***

The evening was spent with Minibean lying next to me, and we watched Ice Age together. I bought a DVD from TS and thought I could utilise my TV, but then had to eventually rely on monitor instead cos the player couldn’t read. Bummer.

After couple episodes of Nanny, I dozed off by 11-ish on a Friday night.

***

Left office to have dinner with YF at City Hall Char Chan Ting before the vertically challenged Jacki joined us for KTV at Marina Square. He was supposed to join us at 10pm after his recent relentless girly whines of how he wanted to go and he “mei you peng you” to accompany him. And then finally we gave in to him, and he turned up only after 11pm (!!!!!).

I got sore throat now. BAHHH.

***

Will spend the weekend completing some work plans, sorting out my sites, and talk about some.. well, interesting topics.

I think I will go back to bed for a nap.

It was a nice morning when the little one climbed onto my bed and snuggled herself up next to me. When she left my room, she planted a big smooch on my mouth before she scurried out of the door.

What a way to wake up on a morning like this.

I finally managed to change my blog template after struggling with it for the longest time.  Don’t be fooled by its simplicity, cos I just can’t seem to sort out the not-so-nice comment form, and it took me hours, and it still was going nowhere. And the font looks a tad too small on my notebook,

Did some changes here and there, and all in all, a refreshing change.

A weekend that ended too soon, without much fanfare, and these days I find Sundays evil-er than Mondays. I am already looking forward to the weekend with a busy week panning out for me. I thought I was freed last week after the dreadful presentation, but no difference leh!

Anyway.

The episode of the unfortunate finger!

3 weeks after the fateful dive, the pain was getting worse though a long course of antibiotics made the swelling went away.

My finger couldn’t move without hurting, and even just lifting my arm up would trigger a shooting pain.

As usual, most discounted it as a simple, girlie whine.

Hmphf.

So, after getting a “2nd opinion”, it was suggested that I get an x-ray done. Initially I rejected the idea totally thinking it was too over the top (okay, fine, I was also terribly resentment of the idea that my finger would be cut open), and it was suggested that it was highly unlikely there would be anything showing up.

So…. what had supposed to be a quick drop-in during lunch time, showed exactly what was wrong.

Enlarge the X-ray film and you could see a foreign object on the left side next to the bone.

After a fast and furious referral letter, I was at SGH A & E waiting to see a hand surgeon.

First, they tested my fingers’ response with a needle and the masked lady asked, “Can you feel it?” I felt the prick and said yes, but I think because I didn’t yelp girlie-ly, she poked again, harder this time until it bled and I looked at her bewildered-ly and answered a louder yes.

I think I should have screamed like a girl when she pricked as hard for the rest of the fingers.

Then, they gave me a jab when I was on the phone with a business call. Because I didn’t yelp, the needle went in all the way and I could feel the sour pain in my bone.

Lesson learnt. Yelp and scream next time when someone prick you. They just wanna see you hurt.

In the room, there was a patch of blood on the floor with a piece of discarded tissue. Tsk tsk. If I didn’t know better, I would think I was visiting some quack.

The hand surgeon saw me next (seen below talking on the phone to my 2nd opinion) and she was coincidentally common friends to those whom I went diving with. In the beginning I was jittery, and I started joking with the nurses when I went into the OT.

And I was morbidly so curious that I asked the doctor for permission to take pictures while she worked on my hand.

I thought I might faint, but I was getting more curious and started to half sit up to see her inject local into my finger (yes, I got pricked again), she then tied a rubber band round the base of my finger (hahaha, it reminded me of how a cock ring works! Uhm, not that I use one before…) before she cut it open with a sharp scapel.

My finger looks look, red, flushed with blood, hard, and swollen as it stood rigidly under the lights.

She turned back to refer to the X-ray behind her to try to locate the splinter. Her grim words were, “If I can’t find it, you have to be admitted and we need the X-ray machine to locate it.”

Well, knowing how before that I had ticked off the boxes of all the “worst case scenerios” suggested to me with regards to my finger, I was thinking if I had to leave my cut gapping for the convenience of it.

She then commented coolly that some of the flesh around the wound is infected and the bad tissues needed to be scrapped off, briefly mentioning if it wasn’t done cleanly, I might have to go back to scrap it again. Yes, with the finger split open again.

And then she pulled out this white rubberband lookalike thingy out of the cut, showing me. She even gamely stretched my cut to show the white band as I took a picture.

Apparently the 1mm thick rubberband is my nerve. What nerves! And it was pierced. right through in the centre.

I don’t know to laugh or cry. It pierced the 1mm nerve (thankfully, the minor nerve), when it is 1mm.. of all places, you can pierce a nerve!!! Got more accurate or not?

And secondly. It is 1mm. And it didn’t snap?!?! It was like those worn rubberband, stretched thinly at the site it was pierced.

A nerve injury takes half a year to heal, and that also explains the shooting pain.

Fortunately the evil thing that lodged itself in my finger was located and plucked out like a thorn (Bottom row, 2nd from right).

No one could figure out what it was. Nemo’s toothpick? A coral’s thorn? Some fish bit me and I brought its tooth home? Idon’t know!!

It isn’t smooth and looks like a tip of the toothpick, but how is it possible to have a toothpick at that depth?!

Roarrrr!

But after having my finger wrapped up like a popsicle, it was a week plus before it was healed and I had help to get the stitches out (tried doing it myself but I guess I could have chop my finger off unwittingly with an “Ooooooops”).

My index finger is still weaker than other fingers and with all the bad flesh dug out, I thought it would do what liposuction meant to do, but it doesn’t seem to look any slimmer.

The long course of antibiotics also brought forth other ailments, and since then I seemed to develop an allergy to alcohol. Tsk tsk, maybe the kick-off will make me “test water” again to see if the allergy is here to stay for good.

And then it came back to haunt again, sending shudders, after shudders.

And then, hey, the fear is still there, and I am still frightened. Clammy fingers as I type…

I don’t know what I am more afraid of.

Maybe of what is ahead.

Or maybe of what I had gotten myself into.

I see the smiles I couldn’t match, I shook hands without comprehending, I watched faces I couldn’t read, I halted words I couldn’t speak.

Slow down people, what are you guys talking about? Oh. I see. Uhm, hmm, uh… then the words faded away. You know, the same ol’ same ol’, easily dealt with with a simple raise of the corners of the mouth, and a nod.

I tried asking for help to decipher the surreal 2 weeks plus I survived, but then my chowchow snubbed me as it was more interested in being drooled on.

Eh? Oh, like that ah?

Okay then.

Done deal.

Girl, I love your tatt.

It says best.

And this too, shall pass.

***

It was a nice Friday.

A nice, hearty lunch at Holland Village with a great massage thrown in for the bad back.

I giggled in response to his views on monogamy, and how he justified it was a concept brewed out of selfishness of mankind.

He believes in many.

I believe in open honesty.

A lift to NUS for a pretty long meeting, before I made my way back to town.

***

I thought it was an evening to remember.

Of someone losing it.

Of someone not taking a consistent no for an answer.

Weeks of anger, rage, hurt, and dramas/mindgames I have no wish to be part of, pushed me to be real firm with the decision.

Of threats and aggression.

Our drinks companion was caught in the awkward position when I shot him pleading looks for help, and then he would be met with dagger stares and aggression to warn him to stay out of it.

My phone was snatched, and numbers taken down.

I was “abducted” and dragged from the cab stand into the hotel so I wouldn’t go anywhere.  I was supposed to meet Mum and Minibean at the hospital to visit my dad.

I am so detached from the episode that I could make it like a joke that I was somehow kidnapped and fed with beef burger, steak and cheese platter in the room and my attempts to head anywhere would be met by a sturdy arm around my tummy, and got myself lifted from the ground, even if it was in public’s eyes.

My phone was robbed initially.

Then the door was blocked.

It pissed me off so much more, and more determined.

A part of me has died, and I am not sure if it will ever get revived again.

I left, eventually, but the night concluded with defiance clashing defiance in the face. It was a miracle that the cab window didn’t shatter from all those sharpness.

***

Was out on Saturday until I was asked to join for dinner.

Was reluctant but the companion with us the day before was pretty jovial about it all and that he would protect me.

Of seafood, and sea breeze, and sitting there listening to conversations and all. Spoke about work and all, before 3 hours passed.

Nothing prepared me for the long night ahead.

***

It was perhaps by grace of God, that everything went okay.

Though the image of that moment will perhaps etch in my mind, deeply, for the rest of my life.

If you think my life has been dramatic, nothing beats last night, almost a drama-series worthy scene. But it was real.

My palms get sweaty, my eyes get teary, and I feel the drop in my heart just by recalling the episode.

I don’t even dare to think between the chances of 50-50, what would have happened otherwise.

I don’t know where my strength came from, I don’t know how I managed to react, I don’t know how I managed to pull through the longest 2 seconds in my life, and the subsequent 20 minutes in between hyperventilating (teehee, I need to ventilate on this, Prontip) and pulling together my entire shaken being.

I saw it. My mind slow-framed every single moment though it was such a blur. A buzz, really.

I had nightmares of various images from last night put together.

And with that, sometimes in life, there are certain factors and catalysts that will push us to make a decision out of character. Like last night.

And then, I did. I am not even sure of it myself. I know the challenges ahead. I am not even sure if it is the “worst decision of my life” and what have I gotten myself into.

Cos seriously, everything is such a blur, so surreal that I have detached myself from my reality today, just so I could… have some much needed peace.

I am apprehensive of what the future holds, I really am, but for now, the anchor, needs some anchoring too.

Isn’t it surprising how things could suddenly take such a sudden change?

***

I need to solve my bandwidth problems. I was locked out of it again today and many things I wanna write kinda osmosis out already of my mind already by the time I wanna blog.

***

Nobody is trying to play a game here anymore. The last post was about someone whom I thought was close to us once, and someone who once understood, and someone who had seen us girls through all the misery and felt protective over us, but then…. oh well. Unfortunately, it was misconstrued by people who took it personally.

It isn’t a competition, and should never be.

***

Before I knew it, the new week is here.

Dad is supposed to discharge yesterday after his headache problem was solved, then he had a pee problem so it was supposed to be today, and then another problem cropped up today and he could only be discharged tomorrow.

He has been hospitalised for 5 days already.

I can’t wait for him to get home.

Perhaps with the recent weight loss, everyone had assumed the weakling little me would be, well, a weakling, “You? You can lift the chair or not?!”

I smirked. If he only knew.

I told Wifey and she replied, “If only he saw how you plucked the bike’s side mirror out like a flower.”

So I thought I should share the details.

Sometimes, I just want to be difficult.

It was such a day, on Monday.

I started the day pretty positive until I saw the annoying pink roses. I don’t even like pink roses. Then my day felt like it was screwed from the moment on. It was a quiet Sunday where I felt totally peaceful to be left alone, and the morning gesture to be asked for forgiveness started me on a wrong note.

I had so much anger towards everyone, and I just wanna drive everyone away. When is the last time he heard lip service of people telling you “I know you are hurt blarblarblar” and you feel is annoyance, especially when they will tell you what to do because, “because of Charissa.”

I mean, I don’t mean disrespect, but it was just… argh.

After knowing how hypocritical some people are, I kinda confronted them for being such a disappointment.

Then, I wanted my money back. Hit it where it hurts most, right?

I was asked to sit down, and I got defensive the moment I felt ambushed when 2 of the aunties turned out from nowhere without my knowledge.

And then, the words spoken just triggered me off.

“I had a clean break… blarblarblarblarblar…”

“If it was a clean break, er, hello? How clean can it be when you guys sleep together within, say, a week?”

The answer made me fume.

“Clean break is clean break lah, but if she wants to sleep with me, why not?”

SIBEI DULAN AT THE MOMENT.

2nd moment is he said we never had exclusivity.

“We grey area what, so I was technically single.”

Couple of days after we agreed on working things out, he went to her place to ask her to wait for him. Gave you exclusivity, but you threw it out of the window.

And you wanna go into technicality? LAGI DULAN.

*Insert self-righteous, I-already-said-I-am-sorry-but-it-was-what-I-think tone* In front of his 2 aunties.

One of them left and left the other one.

At one point, I was reminding him to get the money to me the next day, and he asked “please give me detailed break down.”

It became a scuffle.

I palm-pushed him and called him names, and his nonchalance and what he had said earlier just made me, angry.

I didn’t want to feel hurt, I just wanted to feel… angry.

I think of all, I am angriest with the fact that he had painted that about me. And something in me told me, I might as well be who he wants me to be, since he was always hoping I would be someone else as I am never good enough.

Did you say I am drama queen? Did you say I am acting up? Did you say I am sick in the mind? Did you it turns you on when I became irrational? Did you say you didn’t want your child to grow up around me? Did you say I was unreasonable? Did you say I accuse you of lying when you were being totally honest with me?

I will be. Everything. You. Painted. Me. To. Be.

Nothing to lose anyway right? I mean it is like my mum likes to think I am stupid, I show her I am stupid. It is easier to prove them right than try so hard with efforts put into reversing some deeply rooted thoughts that wouldn’t go away.

I hit him. He grabbed me. Then he dragged me with my back facing the other direction, well, to hide behind his aunt I supposed. And because he was forceful and I didn’t want to move, I fell with my back to the floor instead.

Quickly came a “genuinely concern” respond of “I am so sorry, sweets.”

Lagi dulan.

So he wanted his aunt to see it. I walked back to the table, since she didn’t see any of those, and I threw 2 glasses of water at him.

And I approached his bike, ready to hit where it hurt most.

I waited for him to walk over before I tried pushing it over, well it is about time to see him pain, even however slightly. Basically I didn’t manage to do so, cos giggles, like I said, I am stupid, the side stand was still down.

Then ah, he mocked with a smirk, “That’s kinda funny actually, is that the best you can do?” and he came over to drag me away from the bike, holding my wrists.

The thought of him touching me disgusted me so much that I shouted at him to let me go. I couldn’t remove my wrists, and I tried kicking him.

Of course, with the annoying preaching at the side, I was fuelled.

“Not hard enough, kick harder,” he said condescendingly.

“Tsk tsk tsk(like how you would to a dog), is that the best you can do? Not hard enough, somemore, harder.”

And then, if you hear the story of how he said I was going to hurt him and his aunt that’s why he pushed me to the floor, then let me tell you, the first time when I was pushed to the floor, was at this point and he used his legs to hook me to the ground.

We both fell to the ground and he let me go, and we stood up again.

I tried scratching him, pinching, and anything for him to let me go since when he was holding to me, I couldn’t get to him at all.

At one point, his aunt wanted to hug me, “Aww so poor thing sweetie, you so poor thing,” that was after the hard way of asking me to stop was returned with, “Stop telling me what to do, everything is what you guys want me to do because of Charissa, and everything is using her against me. It is so annoying…”

I didn’t want to be touched, at all.

I moved, and wriggled out of both of them. For me, it was I didn’t want to be touched, and I wanted to walked out of both of them as I struggled. His version was, I was going to hurt his auntie. You know, if I can upfrontly say this is what I was up to here, I don’t even need to hide the intent even if I had any.

No, I didn’t have any intention, I moved away cos I didn’t want to hurt the aunt.

It was when he threw me down hard, and I landed on my back. It was very painful, and as much as he always maintain how he would never lay a hand on me, sometimes I think he relish in such moments when he could get back at me “reasonably”, valid excuse mah, I give it to you.

I remember the moment his aunt said, “Let her go, she is hurt. She is feeling very hurt.”

In my mind then was: I was very angry. Who are you to tell me I am hurt? I am not hurt. I AM SO FREAKING NOT HURT.

AND HE GOT AUDACITY TO KISS ME ON THE HEAD TO ASK ME TO CALM DOWN.

The more I got angry.

“Fuck off, and you promise me never to come near to me, nor my daughter again. Not you, not your family.”

Most of what I was shouting was how I just wanted him to stay away from Minibean cos I don’t want him or his family near her.

They refused, of course.

As I struggled again, he let me go because the aunt said so.

I walked towards the bike, and then I got thrown to the floor, this time, he landed me hard on my head. I remember the thud. I remember telling myself I will get back at him for this.

The more I got angry.

And then he was standing behind me, and he suddenly chose to choke me with his arm, when he didn’t have to(since he was hugging me from behind and restraining me). Like I said, between moments, I did suspect if he was doing some of those on purpose as it was a pretty good cover up. He moved his arm up and tried to make me black out.

I choked, and nearly puked. It took me 3 times, and for his aunt to stop him before he did.

So then, I am not sure if I got thrown again, because all I remember was, I will get back for every physical pain I felt then.

But there was once I could even remember telling myself my jaw hurts as it was scraping the floor, and my elbow was bruising as he pinned me down with my face down on the concrete. And I was wondering if my new watch was okay as I watched it scrapped the tarmac.

And he gave me another kiss on the head. ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

By the time this saga ended, I think I had said out everything that I had always meant to say when dealing with his family and how I feel they are pressuring, though they always try to be “encouraging” and “supportive”.

There were twice they said “If we are not Christians we will never accept Charissa” and that pissed me off.

And the moments they always used the law to threaten me.

Yes I adore them, but it was also very pressurising to feel the need to please every, single, freaking person with my parents in the picture too.

How they always say they have better support for Minibean and environment, and I finally said it, and it felt good, “What? And raise another person like him?” as I pointed to the equally defeated-looking coward who was drenched in perspiration.

Hiding behind whoever who would back him up?

And then, the parents reached.

And the episode made me more angry. I got angrier as they tried praying for me. I got angrier when they said they love me. I just got angrier and angrier.

I am angry when he says I am wonderful, I am angry when he says I am sweet, I am angrier when I hear him say he loves me.

I am so angry it doesn’t make sense anymore, and I want to hurt everyone around him so they will hate me, and leave me alone. The more his help rallied around him, the more I want to cause pain and hurt. The more they asked me to behave, the more unruly I became.

I am so angry. So angry. The more they prayed, the angrier I am. The more they reason, the angrier I am. The more they say they love me, the more I want to destroy. The more he gave me lame excuses and is unremorseful, the angrier I am. The more they say I am hurt, the angrier I am.

I am angry so I don’t have to cry.

As I raged on, driving everyone away, burning bridges, destroying everything in a bid to destroy him, and making everyone hates me the way I think they should after seeing the worst in me, I am tired.

I don’t want to be tired. I want to be angry.

I wanted to slap him before I let it go. He said okay, but as usual, he was hiding behind his dad again.

So when they were at a distance, I pushed the bike to the ground and slammed the helmet against the bike.

I wanted to see the pain etching on his face when he saw that. He walked away with his head bowed. No more attempt to stop me.

And I plucked the mirror out like a flower.

Unfortunately, the bike is still in working condition with minimal scratches. And I didn’t get to really hit him also. Bah.

I am quite the wimp and not destructive enough!

And worst part? I allowed him to do more damage to me than I did to him. Bruises to my legs and arms and my back and hip but minimal damage to him. Tsk.

Damn.

I am going into full on defensive mode and I can’t even do enough a good enough damage.

Well at least I think I got my money back. I think loanshark should employ me. Hurhurhur.

And I become who you said I am.

So yes, hello whoever reading, I am the drama queen, the destructive psycho bitch he had told you about.

You love the drama right? Turns you on right? Nah, give you lor.

***

I had a very good sleep when I got back that night.

Maybe cos I finally exhausted myself through all these episodes enough to have proper sleep, which I didn’t manage to do in a while.

This post is also blogged, because after knowing how someone had saved MSN messages of me accusing him to be a fucking liar (which in fact, a fact) cos he wanted to use it against me legally should he wanna fight for Minibean.

The thing is, yeah, I am not going to deny what had happened, cos no point too. And it is gonna be a chapter closed, and hopefully, not revisited.

If I have to, I think I have more against you, if you really wanna bring the case up.

On hindsight, provocative upon provocation is a vicious cycle.

What dignity? Don’t think you left me with any anyway. I have nothing to lose, and it felt kinda good.

And I promised before, I will bite back harder than you ever thought I could, when you hurt me any more than I could ever bear.