Archive for the ‘I bite!’ Category
Protected: The email that wasn’t sent
News that pissed me off
“IT’S NOT MY FAULT”
Who is this bloody, irresponsible Lim Huang Khim?
HE stopped his car abruptly on the fast lane of a busy highway to insert his CashCard.
And it caused an accident that left a woman seriously injured.
But to Mr Lim Huang Khim, 45, it was the ‘natural thing’ to do. He does not think he did anything wrong.
AND THEN HE HAS THE BLOODY CHEEK TO SAY SUCH THINGS?!
Earlier this month, Mr Lim, who works as a driver, insisted he was not to blame and smiled several times as he recounted the accident on the stand.
I don’t want to mean, but I hope you have some sort of retribution and if this happens to your own kids, don’t bloody blame anyone, cos it is just your kids being inherited with your stupidity.
I wonder what kind of kids he has.
Aaaaaaaaarrrrghhhhh. Such idiots piss me off big time.
Another one?
Anyone read the disturbing news of how an Austria father raped and imprisoned his own daughter for fucking 24 years? And then went on to father 7 of her kids. She lived in a dungeon for 24 freaking years, and gave birth 6 times(once was twins) without any medical help, nor support!
And when one of the twins died, he just conveniently tossed him into a furnace!
Fucking sicko.
I dread to think how she is going to cope with starting her life all over again.
Argghhh I am angry! I don’t know why I am so angry with such injustice.
Grouchy ish me. 
If it is that accurate…
Fluctuating humors, but you won’t have to be concerned about them. Be vigilant as far as your food is concerned so as to avoid taking on weight which would transform itself into horrible folds of fat. A vitamin cure would do you good by allowing you to recover your tonicity. Don’t wallow in your recent unhappy love affairs. In work, you’ll give precedence to originality and independence even though these two qualities are generally frowned upon by the firm that employs you; but this time you’ll be appreciated and it will be made known to you.
…. Uh huh. Then where is the part that says I am extremely PMS-sy?
And horrible folds of fat. Thanks man. I feel so happy now. -scorn-
No wonder I polished off the last grain of rice while I had dinner at Tiong Bahru by myself. It was delicious. Could be the additional sodium you know?
Anyway, sometimes, trying your best might just means, your best is never good enough to be the best in others’ eyes.
Monday very blue
Of fears and old ghosts
The only things I did worth mentioning over the past few days(besides spending time with my amazingly adorable princess), are…. mediocre gambling sessions(can you fucking believe it? I didn’t play mahjong over Chinese New Year! It’s a sin!), and pretty enjoyable partying sessions(well, definitely could be better sans the drama, but I can chuck that aside).
Minibean and my parents have been staying over for almost a week now(Okay, fine, with 2 days spent in Malaysia visiting relatives), and they are going to stay till Wednesday.
Things are better between Mum and I now, but then an episode today totally gave me the creeps.
I think my past is here to haunt me, and I was terribly uncomfortable.
Well, it happened cos she had thought I was heading out, when in fact I changed my mind and then I was hiding in my room after my shower.
And then, she tried to open my door. Normally I would lock it, and maybe she thought she would get lucky this time.
I mean, either way, 1) If I were home, she should have blardy knocked. 2) If I weren’t home, she had no fucking business to snoop in my room.
Throughout the evening, she was freaking shouting and screaming at my baby. It was the tone and the volume that made me jump, and I nearly acted up by opening the door and confronted her.
I didn’t. I froze. I stayed where I was and hid safely under the bed. And then it all came back to me.
I should be out there rescuing my baby, isn’t it? I tried to listen, and I tried to find excuses for her shouting. Mum has always equate shouting with authority, and I know what she was trying to do. Most kids didn’t like my mum cos she is the kind who would just lecture and shout and scream at anyone, thinking that is the most effective way of disciplining people. Eventually, she became the one every kid wanted to irritate, because there is really nothing she could do except making a nuisance of herself.
And much to my relief, she was trying to warn Minibean not to go near her as she was mopping and she might floor. But every single sentence she was screaming at my poor baby(“Go away!” “Don’t come near me!”), and I did nothing. Helplessly sat in my bed and did nothing.
Honestly, baby is with her most of the time, and like a friend always reminded me, I have to rely on her and she is taking care of Minibean and I can’t afford help on my own, so I have not much rights, do I?
And then I remember how she had never shouted baby that way when either Dad or I were around. I mean, she still shouts(that’s why I never have peaceful mornings with her around. Now she does that to baby, and in the past, she does that to me x 10 the violence).
I listened hard, and was ready to pounce on her if she was being mean to my baby.
I am worried she would start using rejection as a means to discipline Minibean. I would definitely make sure she never stays close to my baby if she ever does that.
I opened the door, and she was utterly surprised when she saw me, and asked when was I back.
I didn’t say anything.
I surprised myself for not saying anything and just went into the room to look at my sleeping baby.
I felt like the most fucked up mother ever.
And I start to know where Minibean learnt all those voice-raising skills from.
***
When I had the slight urge to want to blog about it, my blog experienced some silly down-time.
Now, at 5.15am, I am not sure if I should start blogging.
I mean, by the time I finish with the post and the almost 200 pictures that were to follow(most likely I will sift them out and upload the bulk of them on facebook)…. I could probably greet the day like how I did for the past days…. watching daylight seeping through the curtains.
I still have no idea how to sort the pictures. Hmm.
Chronological order, it shall be.
Seems like I really am braving the attempt and sacrifice some sleep tomorrow.
Bitch fest
Okay, I shan’t repeat the story of how I nearly bit Mum’s head off today.
I cursed and sweared too much under my breath, and I think it is just for the best of everyone for me to lock myself up in the room.
There is a reason why I only feel safe in my room.
Oh well. At least Minibean is sleeping peacefully on my bed now and I feel good just with her by my side. No wars, no walls, no games.
And thus, I have lost all urges to lament about the hellish start to the day. Okay, I so not going to say how Mum is only packing HER stuff and BABY’s stuff, and leaving my stuff strewn around all over the place.
You see, she was so jealous of the past helps I had, and when I was telling her how good they were, she went into a petty fit and just left my things there.
Well done.
She soaked my belt into the water and then berated at me for not using my brains to take them out when I remove my clothes.
I retorted that I stayed here by myself, and I have the brains to check the clothes and pockets before I dump them into the washing machine(I shall not mention how she once soaked my phone into a pail of water for half an hour before she realised. The phone survived for another 2 years before it died on me. Rest in peace, my Nokia brick!).
And she fucking screamt at my baby when she innocently crawled towards her.
Hello? *snaps fingers* Direct anger *points to self* HERE!
Ok.
Apparently my urges aren’t exactly lost.
Sigh.
***
Anyway, I wonder where my baby learnt the headbanging tricks. She would start wailing and banging her head on the floor when she doesn’t get what she wants.
My heart froze for a while when she does that, but she is always smart enough not to knock too hard.
This cheeky one… makes me speechless.
She is now capable of sashaying down the hallways, around the house, without anyone’s help.
She smiles at me whenever I walk out of the door to greet her.
She calls me Mummeeeee whenever I call her baaaaaaaaaaaayyybbbeeee.
She now eyes my food greedily, and “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”s me to feed her.
She is amazing, and I can say it over and over again 
***
Dad and I couldn’t quite give in to each other when we both said we wanna bring Minibean out.
Eventually he told me how stress he has been, and he just needs to be around baby, spending time with her to take his mind off stuff.
So he and Mum were taking baby to visit their friends.
Uhm… okay.
So baby went with them, and we went to have dinner at Millenia Walk with JD and her housemate. It was a nice dinner of 6, before we shopped around for a while….. and FF went for a blind date.
We left for JD’s for mahjong before we called it a night.
Went for supper before I headed home.
Baby is now snatching my phone as I chat, and I have her on my lap as I blog, so I shall blog some other day.
Oh, she just hung up my call. Haha.
And I think I am hungry.
Goodbye, my space
Okay.
I am darn annoyed today.
I packed the house, cleared the hall of pictures, hid things(boohoo, in the process, I discovered the sudden death of my brr brr. I now am left with no toys), threw away things(you know how horrifying it is to find Donkey cards from your childhood still lying around?!), sprayed air freshener, and most importantly…. searched for the key to my room.
Unfortunately, it remained nowhere to be found.
Nahbeh.
I was even thinking about looking for a safe in IMM today when I went there to do my furniture shopping(Yay! I got a side table but my ideal lamp is still yet to be found).
I tell you, I guard my mum more fiercely than I guard strangers.
Well… for someone who checks your wallet, runs through your bag, and whom you had very episodes with, it is just natural for the defense mechanism to kick into motion, I guess.
The conflict already started yesterday when we had an argument about living arrangements hereon forth.
Call me ingrate or whatsoever, but the only reason why our relationship remains cordial, is simply because we ain’t living together. I love you mum, but I simply can’t stand staying together with you.
I rushed out after waking up at around…5pm(Gee Ting, no good!), and was reminded why I hate to be out on a Saturday. The crowd just puts me off in the mall. I got too tired from all the walking, and headed home without the energy to stop to buy dinner.
I think I am not gifted for shopping, like seriously.
I went home and holed up in my room the entire evening.
It was a strangely quiet day. Not a single phone call nor message, and I ended up watching an episode of Prison Break (in between Texas Hold’em on Facebook) before I finally felt hungry enough to walk out to buy food at the nearby coffeeshop.
It was a breezy night. Not cold. I had my hair ruffled too much though.
A missed call from FF, and I concluded the night with a nice 3-way chat with my bitches.
No one wants to meet my mum!
***
I had a pretty productive Friday the way I wanted it to be.
I managed to get myself a rug at Furniture Mall, get my arse down to Immigration, and bought lightbulbs to change the fused bulbs(they have been fused for say… at least 5 years). I bravely climbed up the ladder(hey, fear of heights, alright?) and whee! There was light.
Tsk tsk, who needs men for this? I remember climbing up the ladder when I was 7 months pregnant to get something done too….
The carpet was delivered on the same evening, and I vacuumed the living room, before spreading it across the centre of the hall.
Damn, I so should have gotten the grey one I adored.
Oh well.
Met up with Dad when I was having dinner to pass him the documents, before I looked at him with utter devastation when he said he is going to bring Mum in tomorrow.
Oh. I played poker(yes, real) last night.
My stupidity(what’s new?!) provided quite a bit of comic relief and it wasn’t surprising that I lost all my chips before it was end of the night.
Left early to head for supper. It was such a cold night last night.
It was too cold a night.
You know what? I think I am just tired.
***
Sometimes, is it better to know, or better not to know?
Why are the people who can’t take brutal honesty always the ones who ask for it?
I think I lost myself somewhere along the way when 2008 took flight.
Much had happened, though seriously, I can’t remember much of them.
Maybe it is easier not to remember.
***
Isn’t it strange?
Looking at the things happening around me, all drew the same conclusions.
We are all strange this way.
There are some things in life, you may want them very much, but when you do get them, you realise you don’t really need them anyway. Some lasted the novelty, some don’t.
And sadly, there are some things in life, you may never want them to begin with, but when you lose them, you realise how badly you need them.
Then again, the pathetic thing is, denial clouds all judgments and you may never know, which is which to begin with.
You might think you want some stuff bad enough, when in actual fact, you don’t. And when you convince yourself you don’t need something, that very something is perhaps what you have always wanted.
Then again, when fear gets in the way, things just ain’t what they look like anymore.
***
Let’s talk about my fears.
Cockroaches, dead fishes, staircases, thunders.. and you could perhaps throw my mum into this category as well.
I remember there was once, someone tried to make me get over my fear by grabbing my hand and ran down a flight of stairs.
My mind was in a blank and I freaked out like, totally.
Eventually, I still landed on the ground floor without any broken bones, though my soul was nowhere to be found thereafter.
“See! Not scary right? Get over your fear already?”
I was pushed out of my comfort zone, almost forced.
I swear if my legs weren’t wobbly I would have knee him in the balls.
I was almost angry, but I had no rights to be.
People are trying to help, aren’t they?
Yet I think they crossed the line. Cos my fears are meant to be conquered at my own time, and when I am mentally prepared to take them on.
Not when I am still trapping myself in those fears.
Cos the dash down the flight of stairs didn’t give me more confidence not make me feel better.
It just fucking freaked me out in pure, cold fear.
And the next time when I see a flight of stairs again, all I will feel is the cold-sweat, and racing heartbeat. Maybe, just maybe, my fear gotten worse since that day.
I will one day get over my fears, definitely, but I don’t think I will get over my fear of cockroaches with someone waving a cockroach right before me like really out of nowhere and tell me to just.. you know, get used to it.
My heart not very strong, you know?
Someday, I will be okay. I know I will be.
What you want now?
So what now?
I cut off all ties with everyone I know.
I stopped talking to everyone I know.
I stayed home and not head anywhere.
And now you called me to “accuse” me. And that’s the only reason why you would call me for.
Please. I don’t leech to you and I stayed away. And now? Do I really need all these humiliations?
Really.
You made your choice and it is like my “fault” for them not to believe in you.
And that has something to do with me? Or that I have spoken to them?
Maybe it is not about what I want.
It is now about what YOU want, and what THEY WANT.
So now, whatever I do is not enough, apparently.
Stop that. Really. Stop that.
So what more do you guys want? WHAT MORE?!?!
Can you just spare me with whatever bare traces of dignity?
Because, with all these coming down, I am just not sure how much more I can take.
And it will come to a point that I will not give the respect to everyone which I ain’t getting.
Weekend spoiler
The supposed day of watching some magician didn’t take place, but it was replaced by a very nice surprise of the little one’s presence.
My nanny brought her out terribly early on Friday morning, and I was already up waiting for their arrival.
Not because of anything, but because of the cold sweat I broke out at 6am, accompanied by a little pain in the tummy, and the sudden squirt that alerted me.
I started to brew a cough and I was quick to pop a pill for pill relief.
It was Part II of the cleaning process.
The little one was pretty subdued in my arms. She has the tendency to lean her head limply onto me whenever she is tired, and I held her close as I slowly watched her eyelids becoming heavier.
She was out pretty soon, and I grabbed a couple of hours of nap as well.
When I woke up, my nanny informed me that the girls’ night in was probably a no go as she had to start work that very noon.
Baby and I stayed in until it was dinner time, and I had wanted to bring her out.
Dinner was at Jurong Point, and she attracted plenty of attention from the staff who served us.
Wasn’t feeling too well, and Dad brought her back to Malaysia the very same night.
***
I did some packing on Saturday, and my day just sept by.
Watched match. Watched a movie on television. Watched CSI.
And my reading bug got to me so much that I decided to wake up early to do some bookshopping.
I got myself 4 books and I was hoping they would keep me occupied and awake for many days to come.
But honestly, how long could they last me?
I was then forced to sit through the horrid competition on television when I was on my reading break.
I know they must have put in lotsa of efforts, but the stunts made me laugh real hard cos I was wondering if they were preparing to take part in circus-like fund-raising stuff in the future.
Then, I think there was a segment to test their eloquence. And then it was funny when one of the judges complain something about them talking too much instead of acting with feelings in their eyes.
Uhm… like.. really, duh? Then why make it a test of eloquence?
I saw some big-nosed lass scrunching her face up like she was shot… with acting skills that made me cringe big time.. and was horrified to see her earning praises from all over. And.. how did she make it through the competition anyway? She was so painful to watch that I switched channel.
Towards the end, I switched back. Mind you, she got 3rd. Gosh.
Some joker-lookalike with bad complexion won the competition and he looked scary.
Though the guy who got 2nd seemed more deserving a winner.
Yawn.
Eek.
And oh please, boy bands who can’t sing to save their lives and jump around like they are the coolest things are like… so yucky.
Back to my book.
Meeeeeoooooowwwwww!
Feeling better?
Does it make you feel better now that I gave you the chance to “do your part” for what you planned for the last time?
Does that somehow make you feel more “right”?
Does it?
Does it make you more “up there” like you believe yourself to be?
I am sure it does.
Good for you. I was stupid huh.
And I thought, you were genuinely concerned.
Hurhurhur.
