The weather out there right now reminds me of the nice Saturday (23 October) which just passed. The one where it stormed and brought with it fresh air and plenty of comfortable chills.
It was a pretty special Saturday.
There was something special with the mundaneness of it all, and one that kept my mind overloading with thoughts that I couldn’t sleep at all till it was almost9.30am Sunday morning.
I know why.
My dad. My fabulous, fabulous father.
***
Dad returned home in late afternoon around 3pm after the Barley was boiled and the rice was fried, and left me with little time to prep the soup I had in mind.
The endless supply of Minibean’s favourite Kinder Joys kept Minibean pretty happy and was enough of a bribe for her to bond with my dad, something he had not had the luxury to do so in the past month my mum was in Jaybee.
Mum hasn’t exactly been easy, with her irrational phone calls coming in all too frequent these days.
Minibean used to go out with my parents all the time, and it is no secret how much my dad dotes on her. These days as I try, and still making the best effort to be a better mum to her, she has obviously grown more attached to me, and sometimes might snub my dad’s attempt to spend time with her.
Nonetheless, it was a Saturday when the thunders started to rumble in, and I was just trying to scrub the kitchen clean and bring in the laundry with Minibean running around in the hall.
We both jumped a little when it started to thunder.
She then whimpered and ran to me, afraid, telling me that she doesn’t like the thunder.
With me occupied, I thought it was the perfect timing to get her to run to our common hero, my dad.
My dad immediately told her that with him around, there is nothing she should be afraid, and I felt all warm and fuzzy when he said that.
I think one of the reasons I want her to spend time with dad is that my dad is obviously aging too quickly, and I also relive my memorable childhood with my dad with their interactions.
She cheekily asked for her Kinder joy which my dad was only too happy to oblige her requests despite the few frowns I gave.
I looked at their interactions for a little longer before I walked back to the kitchen with the washing.
By this time the storm was in full force. Just as I finished with almost everything, I was scrubbing the last wok when a loud one made me drop everything and wash my hands so I could just run back to my room, alone, and snug under the duvet.
I must have drifted off for a while, as Minibean had in the next room, sheltered and protected by her gong gong.
Gong gong later brought her out and relieved me of babysitting duties.
***
It was also the Saturday that Pudding, Eunice’s pup, who had went missing on Wednesday, was found.
She brought it along with her when she and her family went to the dog cafe and we went down to meet up with her when it was late.
It was a cooling night and it was a nice breather too.
***
Rushed to Vivocity to catch The Town at the theatre for midnight show only to realise we were late, and there was no ushers at the door to tear our tickets.
It was certainly a movie which went under the radar that was worth watching.
Many had raised a brow to hear Ben Affleck is the director, but this guy co-wrote Good Will Hunting and directed Gone Baby Gone, you have to give him more credits even though we all know his good friend Matt Damon is more of the actor between them.
He is quite an intelligent man which was cleverly disguised by the fact of that relationship with J Lo and the doomed Gigli.
I didn’t know what to expect, since reception to the movie is pretty lukewarm locally, and locals slammed it pretty hard for its reviews. I went with gut feel and thought I made a pretty good decision.
It was full of stellar cast, and entertaining with action.
And at times, it was pretty reflective of how life is just a struggle to change your destiny. You ended up graying the line of what’s right, and what’s wrong, and you actually wish the wrong to triumph in this case.
Don’t let Rebecca Hall’s yawn inducing performance mislead you.
Jeremy Rennar really impressed with his performance and I was so charmed, and eventually, heartbroken!
The very fascinating Pete Postlethwaite who always seem to leave a very lasting impression on me in every show I had seen him in, probably cos his looks is just so… exotic and at the same time, giving that extra draw into his acting?
Jon Hamm. Oh gosh. I so wanted to kick him in the balls so many times in the show, and yet wanna draw him in and do him, you know how wrong that sounds, but yet how right that feels when I watched the show?
Blake Lively was always a serious actress before her Gossip Girl stint and I was thinking it would be hard for people to come through and see her performance, but many did express shock for her acting, which actually was something I expected.
The role was intended for an older female but then she got it!
Apparently, her Boston accent was so authentic that Ben Affleck actually asked her which part of Boston was she from during the casting, and I thought she nailed it pretty well too.
***
Dad had lulled her to sleep by the time I got home, and I could chill to CSI and all and continued with my reading till dawn.
I couldn’t sleep. Could be the violent dreams, or that just the usual me overthinking about stuff.
I went into Dad’s room at 8.30am to see the both of them still sleeping soundly. I know Dad always leave home around half past 7, so I went in to check if he needed to leave soon so I could bring Minibean over to my room.
I straightened the blankets on both of them, and felt so much overwhelming love seeing the both of them sleeping.
I really want to go on a holiday with my parents and Minibean some day soon. I have been overlooking the fact that Dad’s pace has slowed down over the years, and I have no idea when did a slight limp set in.
It could have been there all the while, cos he walks with one of his shoulders stooped all these years, and his hunch might have aggravated it.
But it is age that had set in and exaggerated all the dread in his steps.
It is almost heartbreaking to see that he gets tired, and I wanna go explore the world and see the beauty out there with them, before he gets too tired to catch up.
I still remember how I was just 10 when I went for my first trip with my parents, to Hong Kong, and it was there at Ocean Park where both of us ran and chased each other, he was already 50 years old then, until a heart attack slowed him down dramatically 2 years later and we no longer take roller coasters ride together.
When we were in London and Paris when I was 17, I didn’t even take pictures with him. That was the last time we had ever travelled together.
If I ever have a place next time, I want it to be adorned with plenty of pictures depicting the love he and my mum have for me, for Minibean, and despite all the dysfunctions in the family, I believe they do.
It was these thoughts that occupied my mind and he woke up and we chatted, and he laughed everytime he recounted the silly things Minibean did, like how she wanted a Princess magazine (which she brought to me and asked me how to play Sudoku, how I explain to her man?!), a Polly Pocket car (I wanted Polly Pocket so much when I was younger but never owned one), and the bread and Kinder Joy while she was out, the liberation she had when Mummy is not around.
He paused and looked stressed whenever the topics broached my mum and his job, and a part of me selfishly want to bring them together through Minibean, yet a part of me can’t bear to do so with the stress I know she would bound to give us. And it was evident how at 3am earlier on, she had called and ranted irrationally with threats and whatnots again.
I know I had set out to mend the bridges with my mum this year, and sometimes it pulled off great results, only for her to become overbearing to destroy everything for everyone, and I am not sure how to go about it anymore.
Still, am not going to give up I supposed.
It is also harder to get into a conversation with dad these days with his hearing deteriorating, and he often replies something irrelevant cos he can’t really hear me right, and I find myself having to raise my voice to get it across to him, which sometimes is a challenge for him to understand me cos whenever I had to raise my voice, I find myself choked up a little cos I know this is age, and it will only get worse from here.
And maybe, it had already gotten a little worse each time, and I am afraid.
I am always afraid by morbid thoughts on life and the inevitable, but but I never thought aging to be this scary, and whenever he sounds so relented, so resigned, with a tinge of feeling not up to how he used to be, it is heartbreaking.
For a man so strong, and the support of everything for so long, his strength, his sturdiness, his independence and his sharp mind were what made him who he is, were what made him so authoritative, and I know he doesn’t want to slip into just another old man who will just get blunter, and feeling a sense of uselessness, with his self confidence eroded away by age.
I can’t say I know how it is, but I believe that’s how he feels. Like sometimes how I feel I used to be say, a certain level of “good” in something, and then no matter how much I try, how much I try to break out and go another level, I realise I can no longer get out of that bottle neck, and then because you have been to “good”, you know it is attainable, just that somehow, you can’t get it back again, and you feel so helpless, and useless…
It is because you had it, experienced it and owned it before, thus the loss is greater. Like say, pre-pregnancy waist with no loose skin (just to make the topic less heavy!), or the way you could fearlessly love the world, or the unadulterated happiness and optimism. You are comparing to no one but yourself.
It is just disappointing in its little ways, on your own terms.
I told myself I wanna have one of those precious talks with my dad. Recently, the few times I could sit down with him, we had one of those most interesting talks that I actually found out about him, his past.
Many times I drafted up blog posts in my dad to want to capture his stories, but everytime, the backlog just ate away all those.
One of the motivations for me to pick up my DSLR again and hone those skills.
I must do it someday. Maybe I should get a voice recorder.
I think about my parents aging and I want to cry.
So I tossed around in bed till it was almost 10am after I brought Minibean into the room, and heard the lonely door closed behind my as he went about his routines, like any other day.
Side note: Just heard his alarm clock went off in the next room as I am tying up this post at 5am, as he has to make a trip to Malacca to run his errand. I remember few years ago he tried retiring, and he told me he changed his mind cos his friend stopped working and became disconnected from the world, and then died shortly after and became too lonely. That was before Minibean came along. He told me he was going to retire next year, but changed his mind again, because he said the restlessness would be hard to bear.
He is someone I really, really respect.
God, do watch over him, his health and his safety as he travels. Make him strong and have a long, long life so he can watch Minibean grow up into a fine lady.
If I don’t succumb to some 
