No, it has NOTHING to do with what you guys are thinking, though coming from me, talking about gag reflex (*giggles*) without a cheeky raise of the brow is considered quite a rarity.

And in true drama-mama fashion, I shall admit this post is an emo one (for me, that is!) more than anything.

Minibean has not been turning up for nursery classes earlier this week due to an unfortunate bout of flu which skyrocketed her temperature, and exhausted her lungs from all those hard core coughing.

There is one thing in the family about coughing. We never quite have minor coughs, but would often get those bouts that would inevitably give us abs.

I actually enjoyed having some me-time with her keeping her away from school, and now I might have too much of what I wished for, cos her form teacher had called me up yesterday to inform me that the school would be closed till end of the month due to the outbreak of Hand Foot Mouth Disease, and the school would be closed for all necessary precautions and thorough sanitizing of the school compound.

I thought it would be a good time for her to recuperate.

Another thing about Minibean is that, if she didn’t get one thing from me, is the ability to control gag reflex.

I was starting to be worried when some days she would throw up her first milk feed simply cos she was brushing her teeth.

She tends to barf her meals out intentionally when she doesn’t want to eat (so that she can get to the dessert part you see) cos it was just so easy for her to do so that it might become a habit.

She can’t take things of thick texture, like sweets, chocolate, jelly, ice-cream cos they would give her phlegm and the phlegm tends to make her throw up.

Now I understand why some mothers are so strict about their children’s diet, because Minibean doesn’t usually get to enjoy the treats she is given, and unfortunately, being a parent also means you get to have first picks of your favourite chocolates have to finish the leftovers and that would make Mummy very displeased with the weight gain (DID I MENTION I GAIN 4 KG WITHOUT REALISING?!).

Apparently, I have became one of those authoritarian parents, who can be rather strict with her liberty with the sweets, though if someone does offer, I would not decline because I feel impolite to do so.

Sometimes, the grans might spoil her a little cos despite what I say, I don’t think the older generation takes suggestions very well, and will attributing it to her being too full and 1) stop feeding her proper food when she starts to gag simply cos she doesn’t want to eat particular food or 2) will repeat the vicious cycle the next time round.

I was worried. I mean, the throwing up is stressing her digestive system, and she wouldn’t get much of the nutrition, she gets bulimic how?!

But my daughter loves food too much to be bulimic (she does have a huge appetite for her petite size!), I was just worried that she would use it to get her way to the food she likes and ignore the other food she is made to eat.

And the acid when she throws up wouldn’t do her system well either.

These couple of days, she threw up more frequently, simply cos she is coughing so hard.

I remember when she was 2 months old she had a cold too, and be it be then or now, hearing her coughing this bad really breaks my heart. I used to think people are exaggerating when they say they get “heartpain” when their kids get sick, cos c’mon, who doesn’t fall sick?! But then huh, really you know, her each cough can be tear-inducing, and you just don’t feel settled enough to want to go sleep.

So. I decided to do something about it.

The other day, when she was coughing, I told her she was coughing too hard, and if she continued, she might feel unwell and throw up again.

So I taught her to control.

Little did I know the effect till when I was brushing her teeth one morning, after she had rinsed her mouth, she beamed and said, “Look, Mummy! I controlled!“.

I didn’t even realise she was controlling her gag reflexes if she didn’t tell me soon. I was beaming with pride. Cos she could even control it when she took her medication (which she would force it out of her throat cos she didn’t like the taste) when I distracted her with.. “CONTROL!! Don’t let it come out!“.

It was kinda like a mini achievement that she has another uh, skill-set in life, and her throwing up incidents were cut down tremendously.

Late last night, I was kept awake by her uncomfortable tossing and turning, feeling the squeeze on the heart whenever she broke into those gut-wrenching coughs. At the same time it was the inquisitive  me trying to eavesdrop on what she was saying in her sleep (she sleep talks quite a bit! She was saying she doesn’t want “7″ and she doesn’t want white colour, and that she wants to play. I blame Apple for this. Find out why in the next post!).

Was trying to pat her chest to make her feel better, replenish the eucalyptus oil on the linens when I feel the smell was going off too soon, and constant tug of war with her as she kicked the blanket and me flustered-ly tucking her underneath it so to keep her warm.

Before I knew it, it was few hours before I finally drifted off a little, and within 15 minutes, I heard a series of vigorous cough and that immediately shook me up. And then suddenly, I heard Minibean wailing… “Muuuuummmmmeeee…”

And what she said next nearly made me cry.

In her tone laced with misery and guilt, she whimpered, “… I cannot control…”

I immediately got up and switched on the light, there she was, lying in her pool of vomit of phlegm and milk, and she was so tired that she wasn’t moving, and all she thought of was what I taught her and that she couldn’t do it.

I changed her, worried she might catch a cold and realised she probably had to take my bed. Realising her medication was wearing off, I had tried to get her to take her medication for a more peaceful sleep for her.

Alas, she refused and after I tucked her in, it was laundry time in the dead of the night, and I couldn’t sleep at all listening to her coughs, worried she might choke on her vomit (I know I am paranoid, but, I insist it was a very real worry!), so I ended up staying up till daylight, cos it was until then, after the laundry was all done and propped up, that I managed to feed her medication in her sleep.

Hearing her breathing smoother and the coughing stopped, I made her bed which by then had dried, carried her up, sat there just to cradle her in my arms for a while, shifted her to her bed, and snuck under my duvet. I held her tiny hand and drifted off myself.

I could hardly wake up this morning, finding myself under the weather. I was coughing harder than she is, and I felt her hovering above me, and stroke my face as I coughed. She let me rest a little before waking up, unlike how she would do so immediately everytime she wakes.

I cannot explain how heartbreaking it was to hear her cough this hard. I cannot explain how real the fear of her choking on her vomit was. Most of all, I cannot explain how and why I wanna cry when I heard her whimpering in the middle of the night, and her first worry was how she didn’t manage to do what I taught her instead of telling me how bad she felt.

And as I was kept awake till the morning light sept in, what was replaying in my head, was just her weak whimpers of how she didn’t manage to control, while controlling my urge not to cry.