Everyone who knows me would probably agree that it is unlikely that I would win “Mother of the Year” award anytime soon, or EVER, and it is more typical of me to be spouting something too dirty to be coming out of a mother’s mouth than to dispense wise, proper motherhood tips.

Which was one of the reasons why I was pretty surprised when a friend suggested me to read her sister-in-law’s blog and said that I could just pop by whenever I am free (which was pretty swiftly cos even when I am not, I am a master of multi-tasking and busybodying hurhurhur) and give her some motherhood tips.

I choked. Because scoffing and laughing really don’t go well together.

You know, it probably is a miracle that I have not started spamming her sister-in-law’s email and sending out desperate SOS messages to beg for some help.

I am trying. But like Oscar Wilde puts it best, am not young enough to know everything.

I probably am as imperfect as the next person you see, and with different schools of thought on how bringing up children is like, I am really in no position to tell people what to do, especially when I am wearing shorts even my daughter would disapprove of, or finishing her candies when she ain’t looking (sweets are NOT good for her, I insist. Tolberones are wasted on her too!).

I would even admit that there were 2 occasions when I accidentally let rip the unfortunate English word which is perhaps worse than Kanina, but miles better (in my opinion) than er, well, you know, the Hokkien term for twat in front of her when I dropped things (which happened so often with my clumsiness that cursing twice seems like tremendous control on my part).

But having a child-like, and impossibly vast imagination (where do you think all that kinkiness in me come from?!) certainly does help in parenthood, for those times you need to recover from situations where your friends spew poetry of profanities cos she is just too tiny to be spotted, or the times with the onset of terrible 2s, terrible 3s.. and honestly it probably never stops from there onwards.

So. It was with creativity that I started honing my art of distraction, and as minimal as possible, my art of deception.

HELLLLL YEAAAHHHH, you are right. Hardships lay the eggs of creative geniuses!

And hell ya, I should be frickin Monet by now too!

I do not like deceiving Minibean to get my way, and I would not promise things that I cannot fulfill. If I cannot, I say I can’t. Even if I can, I would just loosely say I would try, in case anything crops up. So the expectation is managed, and it would be a bonus and she is happy when it gets fulfilled.

I do not like to disappoint her with lies, cos I know how lousy it felt when I was younger, and with a memory that serves me since 3 years old (yes, unfortunately, I remember THAT far back), trust me, 3 years old children also got FEEEELING one.

But I still do say those deceptive things like “CANNOT ANYHOW RUN LIKE THAT, WAIT GOT AHBUNEHNEH COME AND TAKE YOU AWAY.“, “CANNOT BE SO NOISY, WAIT POLICE CATCH!” (which we know is not true, or else with the amount of kiddos to catch, no one would ever join the police force) to the point that one day she saw the police and she thought they are all ahbunehnehs.

Then I have to keep myself in check.

Having said that, it was not being racist in anyway, but it was just how we were brought up when younger, and it became some sort of “traditional” thing to say, but to me, the image of ahbunehneh when I was younger would be those fluffy monsters (think the monster Stitch in Lilo and Stitch!) and not with relation to any race, cos the term is an affectionate one (sounds quite cute what?).

So, with that failed examples, it was perhaps better to rely on the art of distraction and using some creativity to counter the very brilliant, may I add, overly brilliant mind of Minibean.

You know what is more dangerous than driving under the influence of alcohol?

I tell you. Driving under the influence of kiddos.

They scream, they whine, they cry, and if you haven’t encountered it – I hope you never do – they might even throw a shoe or 2 at you when you are not there to reassure them or rubba their tummies, while driving with your elbows as you mix the milk powder into the hot bottle of water you had “kiap-ed” in between your thighs.

They don’t take no for an answer, and NOW means NOW.

Then some time ago, to get some peace, I started counting 1 – 30, restarting at 1 when I have to, just so to distract her, and perhaps she wouldn’t interrupt when I am talking.

There was another time, I decided to change my tone, and then started to ask, “Hmmm Minibean, have you ever wonder….?”

Wonder what, she asked.

… instead of crying and making a fuss, you should just relax, slow your pace, and look at what is happening around you? The beautiful sun setting… handsome chaps walking out there, the differences between each tree.. and hey look, that tree has flowers. Look at that car driver and how rude he is, and have you ever thought why your mother is so awesome…?

She went absolutely quiet.

I turned to her and realised she had fell asleep.

I felt pretty insulted but yet at the same time, it was as if I had found a diamond mine or something.

I tried it again the next time, she didn’t fall asleep but ended up asking me why the sun setting, why the tree has flowers while the others don’t have and why is her mother awesome.

I was glad to tell her why which means she wasn’t fussing or crying or throwing a shoe at me cos she was too focused on finding out the answers.

It is interesting how over her growth, at different stages, more things are required out of me to deal with her infant years, the terrible years (I must tell all those people out there who can’t stand screaming kids and how kids misbehaving are parents’ fault, judge them until the terrible years have passed!), and now, transitioning to making sense of the world years.. Some of such creativity also means honing her creativity cos well, she has to counter us sometimes, isn’t it?

She has successfully pulled a couple of “LOOK, IT’S A BIRD” (not exactly that, but you know what I mean) tricks, and stuffed couple of gourmet chocolates into her mouth while I had my sight diverted.

It is constantly a game of chess.

I remember on my flight back to Singapore from Sri Lanka, I was sitting next to a breastfeeding new mum, who had wrapped her daughter in winter gear (they were heading to Ozzy) when she had boarded the very packed and warm flight.

Her child was hungry and covered in sweat, I can only imagine how uncomfortable it was for the baby. But she had no idea how to stop the child from crying.

Of cos, she probably didn’t know how painful the pressure would cause the baby’s ears to be, so the baby probably need to suckle something. But I would think this part would be more of common sense than being creative cos your ears would have hurt too right?

And now with Minibean (yes, I am jumping topic from topic randomly!) down with a fever and a bad, bad cough, another challenge would be keeping her medication down without her puking it out, if we manage to fool her into finishing her medication in the first place.

The syringe method, the dilute with water method, the spike her milk method, the force it down her mouth method (done by the older folks but never by me), the bribery method (I really don’t like to use bribery methods for ANYTHING with Minibean), the coaxing method, the begging method, the make-it-look-damn-fun-and-I-challenge-you-to-do method…. you name it, I’ve done it.

The spike her milk method was my favourite until it failed when one time, she told me that it was not her “normal milk” cos it tasted nothing like it and insisted I got it changed.

This morning, I spiked her water, only difference was, she was asleep when I tickled the bottle teat to her mouth and she chomped up everything.

So last night, the diluting method didn’t work when it worked wonderfully previous times when she fell sick. She had gotten so yucked out by the taste that she threw up right after she got to her fever medication.

Eventually, I pretended to be really urgent when I asked her to pinch her nose “OH! QUICK QUICK QUICK!” in the kind of exaggerated, baby-tone voice you will see on kiddy channels too often.

I told her to hold her breath, and she had to do it really fast. I put the medication on the spoon without diluting it, and quickly send it into her mouth, and immediately pop a blueberry into it. When she tasted the medication and wanted to barf, I pointed to this random chap on television and asked, “HEY, WHO IS THAT HANDSOME GUY? You think handsome or not?”

Then, she suddenly forgot about the taste in her mouth and stopped gagging.

And I am quite thankful she is a child who loves her greens, her fruits, her meat, her seafood and the occasion durian. Apparently, my dad started her with a sip of beer a week or 2 ago, before I realised that was also the age I had my first sip of beer.

But I still do have some challenges when feeding her cos she could love long beans today, but she would not want them in her porridge the next.

The “Aeroplane flying into your mouth” spoon trick no longer works, and my old bones are too old for running around to feed her.

She didn’t want the greenies, and I had asked her to close her eyes, and tell me what she thinks is in the porridge.

She did so, and she didn’t taste anything (which would be followed up by “HOW COULD IT BE? I give you one more chance, you try again and guess!“). It has been almost 2 months that during most meals she would be having her eyes closed, and those will be the days she would finish an entire massive bowl of rice/porridge.

Sometimes I feel like I need more energy to keep up with the perpetual kiddy show I have to put up, or the exhausting scheming, and now with her reading up on ballet, I have to demo the moves to her when I am the last person she should be picking up graceful moves from.

I shall end this post very abruptly cos she has just been knocked out by the very potent medication and I am now scoffing at the non-drowsy formula given by the same doctor the previous time which only made her more energetic, more restless, and Mummy more tired.

Since she is now knocked out, pardon me that I have to treasure this break and catch some 40 winks for myself too. My mind has automatically shut off the moment I heard her soft, tiny snores, and my body just yearns to snuggle up close to her to enjoy her angelic moment, which of course, when she is all subdued, and not bombarding me with too many “Whys”.