It is evident that I have lost interest in words.

All I have to do is to reach out.. to search through all those memories that had meant so much to me, to find those words again.

I could feel the tiny frustrations building up as I just couldn’t emote the way I used to, or let my thoughts flow deftly through my fingertips.

I know what’s wrong. But I can’t fix it.

My reluctance to write has everything to do with my refusal to dig, search, pore deep within again.

Simply because I am afraid of what I might find there, simply because I am scared that I might not come back from that limbo.

Trying. And being extra careful not to tip the balance.

***

I searched thoroughly just to look for something that meant much to me. Your presence was felt as I plunged into a whirlpool of history we shared. I held my breath as I barrier myself from the nostalgia of it all.

Carefully, glazing over the words that once meant much, shut off every skip of heartbeat the moment certain words triggered.. something.

Then I found it. The one thing that meant so much more to me than you would ever do, or you ever did. And the memory bank was locked up securely again. For good, I hope.

***

Half a lifetime of memories. You shouldn’t matter.

But how could you not, it was half a lifetime of memories, however vague.

You were one memory I refused to lock up.

I thought I must have done so somewhere along the way.

Apparently, I had naively underestimated you and let you run loose.

***

You defeated my confidence, but you showed me how I could ever love, abundantly and fearlessly, and on the other spectrum, fearfully. You showed me so many things though so many years had passed.

I tried to remember how we first started, and it turned up a blur, and then did I realise how deep into the recesses I had locked you away into.

Perhaps because, you had once meant everything to me.

And made me realise, a snap of fingers is all it took for you to become someone I never knew.

Wherever you are, be well, cos it just doesn’t make sense that someone I ever feel so much for can become such a stranger.

Especially when I slowed my pace and reminisced, I remembered how I once felt. It felt real, though it probably is losing its shine in the jam packed boxes of memories.

Then, I was reminded, of all the years I thought I had forgotten how it felt like, I felt it all over again.

***

It was me, you said.

I am in denial that I was the one who took you away, from me, from us.

***

It is intimidating to know that I am feeling all those feelings I had kept hidden away. I am afraid the day the tsunami of the past will just claim me as a fatality.

And it is scary to know that you can still feel for every of those people who had left an impact in your life, at the same time (oh gee, such a slut, hahaha), as if those feelings had never left you, and you conveniently forgot the bads, the hurts, the flaws that had made all of the above became stories of the impossible.