Archive for July, 2010

Cervical cancer – A story to share

July 27th, 2010 by Scarlett Ting

I am uncertain where to start.

This is a story I had been meaning to write about, but never quite had enough within me to share, though the closest around me would have heard about it along the way.

I am not sure why it actually takes quite a lot out of me to be revisiting it, that I procrastinated writing this post for the longest time, and even as I am doing it now, I could feel the nerves tangling themselves up in a bundle. I swear my heart rate is increasing and my breaths are getting shallower, and I know this is what I have been avoiding to experience again, that’s why I very nearly wanted to give up writing this.

It was no big deal. It should be no biggie. But perhaps this episode in my life had had much more implications than just something that had came and went, especially when it had happened at a time when I was pretty lost, ignorant and scared.

I will be the first to admit it, I have a fear for pap smears. BIG, MASSIVE FEAR. I get all worked up and defensive whenever I have to go for my pap smears, and it is an emotional thing for me to do so that I would be on the verge of bursting into tears whenever I have to do one.

It is not painful, it is nothing scary and it has something to do with the psychological fear more than anything else which I have since learnt to deal with these couple of years.

But it has everything to do with my first pap smear. That very first one.

And I know, it is a story that has to be shared, with each and every lady out there.

***

So where do I start, really?

It was in 2003, when I was 22, and I had already started blogging, but somehow this only appeared in fragments of subtlety.

I know no one really believes in the bull about intuition, or grace of God if you don’t share the same faith as me, but I really have no other explanation than this.

It was a day when I woke up and nothing felt right. I started crying for no particular reason, and there was a nagging thought in me which I tried to wave away.

I must be mad, I thought to myself (AHEM, I know some of you already think I am, but still…!), but the tears and uneasiness didn’t stop.

I remember it was one of those time when I MSN-ed (or should I say IRC) quite a bit with Faith, and somehow I was feeling so thoroughly miserable that I decided to speak to her.

I told her I just felt something wasn’t right with me, and I wanted to see a doctor. I told her I have this incredible urge to see a gynaecologist because I am just so freaking scared. I told her I couldn’t stop crying with this nagging feeling. I told her I couldn’t understand why I feel this way especially since I had never done even a basic body check up prior to that day, and I just wanted to get my vijayjay and its neighbours checked. I told her it was my intuition and that I know I sounded pretty crazy to be over-reacting with all the tears.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHERE GOT PEOPLE WAKE UP AND FEEL THIS WAY ONE?!

Instead of assuming I was really out of my mind and close the chat window reassuring me and asking me to brush the thoughts aside, she actually told me if it was upsetting me this much, why not just go for a check up to buy myself some peace of mind?

Er… where to go for check up huh? I asked.

Then, I remembered couple of days before I was having meals at Jurong East central and remembered this clinic for women.

I then did a search and found its number.

I even asked Faith if I should really call, cos I wasn’t working and moolah had meant quite a bit to me. But then again, I didn’t know how it was going to work, so I didn’t know other channels to go through (I mean, I could have gone to a GP right?).

I was feeling a tad shy, and I called to ask if they have a female doctor, which they told me they do, but she would only be at the clinic 2 days of the week.

Since it was a specialist clinic, it would mean appointments were pretty packed and since I was pretty clueless, I just said I wanted to see a gynae.

For what? I was asked. Don’t know, just basic check up. Pregnant? No, am not.

I couldn’t possibly say I woke up crying and wanted a check up cos I scared my female bits give up on me right?!

So anyway, I said I wanted an appointment soonest possible, and a date was given.

After making the appointment, the uneasiness worn off, and I got a tad regretful for over-reacting the way I did. And I half expected that when the day passed, I would end up thinking how silly I was, and cancelled the appointment.

As the day progressed, I was ready to give the appointment a miss, and a call came in from the clinic to tell me that they have a cancellation on that very day. It was very last minute, and they have only one slot, the final slot for the day, at 6pm.

Since it was on the very day itself when I called, I actually jumped on the opportunity to say yes, instead of cancelling.

So off to the clinic I went.

When I got to see Dr Chua, she asked me what was my concern, and I just said I wanted to do a check up, and what would she suggest.

She suggested a pap smear, some blood tests and ultrasound was done to look at my ovaries, which she spotted some cysts.

I was told to open up my legs cos I was just too shy, half giggled my way through. I felt something cold, and as I was making small talk with my gynae asking what the procedure was for and if I really had to do it, and it was over before I knew it.

And that, marked my first pap smear, and perhaps the only one that was the easiest for me. I could still joke and make small talk, you know?!

Cysts were my prime concern and other than that, I was sent home pretty promptly without much stuff to be concerned about.

I didn’t have any sort of pain, didn’t have any funky discharge nor abnormal bleeding, nor did I offer any boarding space for things like cauliflowers and mushrooms.

So off I went, feeling pretty alright, and a slight pinch from the bill, booboo-ing my earlier outburst, crediting it to a bout of PMS, and everything was left long forgotten.

***

A call came in one afternoon a few days later.

The clinic. I almost forgot why they would call me.

There was a slight urgency in the caller’s voice when she identified herself, and she had called to ask if I had recently did my check up with Dr Chua.

My pap smear had turned out abnormal and I was told to return for another check up to make sure the report was accurate.

This is where my memory starts to get a little fuzzy, cos it was perhaps the point in time I tried to bury the whole episode.

I was not nervous, cos I simply didn’t understand what an abnormal pap smear meant, but thought I could speak to my gynae to ask what it was all about.

I got to speak to her, and she tried to assure me it was just further tests to eliminate possibilities, and then arranged for me to go for a biopsy (didn’t know what it was either!) with a certain A/Prof Arunachalam Ilancheran at NUH. An appointment was already set for me.

I was pretty uncomfortable with the arrangement, because I had wanted to female gynae all along, but I was told that, for the field it was related to, there was no female gynae she could refer me to.

That got me puzzled, greatly.

Still, I thought nothing of it, so reluctantly agreed.

And then, I relied greatly on the power of internet search to find out what an abnormal pap smear had meant, and what a biopsy is about.

THAT WAS WHEN INTERNET TOLD ME WHAT MY GYNAE DIDN’T WANT TO SAY.

Biopsy is done when there is a suspicion of cancerous cells, and an abnormal pap smear is a major concern.

Still, I tried to keep cool, and that it must have been some kind of mistake (tsk, denial, denial, denial!).

I still wasn’t as worried, as I was more concerned with showing my vijayjay to another male.

The alarm bells rang when I got to NUH, and realised what my gynae had meant when she said he was the ideal person in that field, gynaecology + oncology. Oncology.. wait a minute.. isn’t that.. CANCER?

WTF?!

My gynae was there too for the biopsy.

And I had such mix of emotions that I was confused, afraid, and very much in a daze.

My legs were propped up onto the stirrups, and it was the most unpleasant thing that was told to me, perhaps cos I was feeling so apprehensive and guarded. I was told they needed more sample for further tests, and the biopsy would be done pretty swiftly with little discomfort.

It was when I was told how it was done that I had great discomfort.

A colposcope with a bulb (NOT THE NORMAL LIGHT BULB OKAY, MY VIJAYJAY CANNOT FIT!), magnifier & a camera would be inserted to view the cervix and yes, I watched my you-know-where close up on the monitor next to me. Not. sexy. at. all.

Vinegar was then applied onto the walls, and the abnormal cells would then turn white. He then snipped a part of the tissue (not kleenex, my poor cervix) for sample, which would cause some bleeding, and the discomfort was cleverly masked when he asked me to cough.

Results were out in a couple of days and this time, I think my female gynae called me. Personally.

I was told my condition was actually more severe than they originally thought it was, and they would immediately slot me a date to go for treatment.

If it was mild dysplasia, CIN I, no treatment would be required and it would usually go away on its own.

I was told I had severe dysplasia, and it was CIN III (Severe dysplasia that spans more than 2/3 of the epithelium, and may involve the full thickness. This lesion may sometimes also be referred to as cervical carcinoma in situ) also considered as stage 0 cancer and surgery was needed ASAP as it would very swiftly progressed to Stage 1 cancer if not treated.

The call ended with me in a daze.

HUH?

Cancer?

WHY?!

HOW?!

Bear in mind that I had absolutely NO symptoms except for that weird hunch.

Questions I failed to ask, I got my answers via Friend Google and Friend Yahoo.

I then got acquainted with the term HPV.

I remember calling up asking my gynae why, how and all the questions that came flooding my mind.

Do I have HPV? WHY DO I HAVE HPV? The dilemma, the frustrations, the hurt, and boy, did I even feel a tad of betrayal.

And most of all, shame.

***

Everything defied logic.

And cos it is a STI, who the hell can I even relate it to, except my then boyfriend without being judged? The lack of education on the issue made me incredibly helpless, and pretty much, had no one to turn to.

Even from brochures or even the POCC sites these are the risk factors you should consider:

1) All women who have ever been sexually active

2) First sexual intercourse at young age

3) Multiple sexual partners in their lifetime

4) Smokers

5) Suffered from STDs

I was 1) of course.

But I was a late bloomer, cough.

I wasn’t a slut when I was younger (not that I am now… but that’s subjective you see. HAHAHA. JOKE, OKAY?) and I wasn’t that sexually experienced.

I was with a boyfriend whom I loved dearly, and we see each other 24/7 and I didn’t even hang out with other guys cos he didn’t like it that if HPV was airborne, I was unlikely to catch it either.

I never did smoke prior to that.

No STDs, from my earlier checkup.

So I had to get it from SOMEWHERE, right?

SO. That left me with questions for my gynae, I remember she had asked me not read too much into things.

But I was young, I was ignorant. Then the answer was supposedly clear.

You see, even if you are monogamous, or you only have ONE sexual partner, the sexual history of your partner would play a big part.

Say, your partner, only had one partner prior to you, and you are a virgin, what if the partner before you had 3 partners, and those 3 partners had had 8 partner each, and the number had just grown exponentially.

HPV does not have any symptoms for guys and neither for girls, and since it has not much effect on guys, and many ladies might have caught it which the body immune system would have overcome that.

Back then, I only felt shame, and I did feel a tad bitter that I have something like this, that I plunged badly into depression, and the relationship was dealt quite an enormous blow as well.

I couldn’t get my head around it and I just kept crying, and I was frustrated cos I had no outlet. No support.

***

When the day of the surgery came, I remember I was so fearful that I was in a daze.

That very morning, my then partner brought me to the Science Centre McDee’s for a meal, and got me one of those The Dog cushion. It was because I needed some form of cheering up from all the built up anxiety.

I felt so resentful of the whole process that I was so hostile to the doctors and nurses and just couldn’t find it within me to go through with it.

I shall shamefully admit that I even had wanted to kick the doctor away cos I didn’t want him near me.

I was trembling so much that I actually reached out for the assuring nurse (till today, I can’t thank you enough) and she held my hand throughout.

The process was relatively uncomplicated, it was the same stirrups in the same room I had my biopsy, you don’t even need an operating theatre.

This time, it was excruciating because of the psychological barrier I had.

I was trying so hard not to cry.

Local anaesthesia was administered, and then the horror played out like a movie on the screen as I smelt it happening.

Laser treatment means that the bad cells were burnt off and the sound and smell of it, still deeply etched in my mind for what was an absolutely traumatic experience for me.

When I walked out, I was pale, perhaps cos from the fright, and I actually remember walking from the building to NUH main lobby by this linkway which had these automatic doors, I just had to collapse and sit with my back to the wall to absorb whatever had happened.

In absolute dramatic fashion, I was clutching to the report which stated that I had HPV strain 16 (if I remember correctly) that had caused the lesions.

I was alone (technically I wasn’t cos I had walked out on my own in my state of trance, but still, with no one understanding it, I felt I was all alone). I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t think anyone would understand. So that actually brought on a bout of depression cos of the anxiety, fear, and like I mentioned, shame.

I was told to return back for check up to make sure all cells were removed, and I remember I was so upset that I asked does it mean if all weren’t removed, I would have to go thru it all over again.

I returned, and I was clear.

I was told to return every half a year for a pap smear, compared to the recommended once every 1 – 3 years.

But I know a part of me wasn’t the same anymore, because of the stigma of having HPV, a sexually transmitted infection, and this was 7 years ago before campaigns raised the awareness and gave us more learned information on this.

It is believed that 75% to 90% of those who are sexually active have HPV at some point of their lives.

It could easily be you, and that your immune system couldn’t cope and help you recover.

And because I had no one to turn to, or to get support from, not even my family knows about this, I was reluctant to return for my pap smears.

It was only until last year, in year 2009, 6 years after my surgery, that I had returned to do a pap smear. Only because I had wanted to get an insurance policy for Minibean.

It was not an easy task for me, for all the emotional turmoil and attachment I had associated pap smear with, and thankfully for all the great, great friends I had (whom I had to SMS throughout the entire process so they could cheer me on), whom I had opened up to and did not judge me for it, I got through it despite being so afraid of it.

It was 6 years too late, I know, but I am glad I finally got through with it, and it didn’t feel half as bad, it wasn’t even painful.

This year, I had returned to do my pap smear with polyclinic and am set to make it a yearly affair. Though the reception I had the polyclinic was a little different, cos of the history of CIN III, a doctor had to do the procedure and I was told to return within half a year.

I was so relieved and happy when the pap smear results turned out normal. But most importantly, with the recent Power Over Cervical Cancer campaigns, it has helped me to overcome my initial fear and liberate the emotional burden I had, and pushed me to be more conscientious with protecting myself, cos seriously, 6 years for my pap smear when I am high at risk? That’s stupidity for you.

***

Here are some important facts that I hope to share with ladies out there, and if you belong to the gender with hanging bits between your groins, it is crucial for you to take note and share it with people you care dearly for.

  • In Singapore, cervical cancer takes the life of one woman every 5 days.
  • About 200 new cases are diagnosed every year, with 100 of them not surviving it.
  • Cervical cancer is when the cells in the cervix change or grow abnormally, thus the need for pap smear to detect the abnormality.
  • Almost all cervical cancer is caused by HPV a virus which is very common, but not as commonly understood or heard.
  • It could take decades to develop and you need not have cancer in the family history to develop it.
  • Early stages of cervical cancer have no symptoms, and only a pap smear can detect it like it did for me.

It is evident why this is a cause I strongly support and believe in, because that ONE pap smear, saved my life, and I really would hate to see people around me have to go through with what I had went thru, or are not lucky enough to detect it as early as I did.

That’s why when the campaign had started couple of months back, I was quick to pledge my support for the cause.

With the recent campaigns, more ladies know how to protect themselves from this with regular pap smears, but there would be some who would think they do not have any need to do so because they are low at risk, but I hope my example would make you think twice, and get your pap smear done soon.

LIKE NOW! Go make your appointment ASAP. You need kaki, I can go give you moral support!

***

And if your pap smear is clear, prevention can reduce the risk of cervical cancer greatly too.

And if you are NOT sexually active, the vaccination is perfect for you cos it is aimed at those who are NOT YET sexually active (9 – 26 years old) before HPV could even sneak up on you. It may even be a good idea to vaccinate your child against HPV.

I am all for the vaccination despite already had previous history of HPV.

In fact, though I know that the vaccination would not prevent me against the strain of HPV I already had (which you might not even know you have), I made the decision to go for the vaccination as it could still help me prevent against other strains of cancer-causing HPV strains, and I might still benefit from it.

Thanks to Nadnut’s invitation, I had my vaccination done on last Saturday at Dr Leslie Tay (OMG, he is the man behind ieatishootipost! -fangirl mode on-)’s clinic.

I have to admit that I had put it off for the longest time as the cost was of issue to me and I wasn’t sure if the jab was gonna make much difference, but with the special offer and Dr Tay’s responses to my queries, I decided to go ahead.

Thus, I would like to encourage those who have had past experiences with CIN, to also consider going for the jab to protect yourself from other strains of HPV.

The jab was done at Dr Leslie Tay’s Karri Family Clinic at Tampines, and I was pretty surprised to see some fellow bloggers whom I have not seen in a long, long while there as well.

I was incredibly late (not an Easterner, lost my way and crashed lightly into the cashcard machine cos I was in too much a daze) and was the last one to have my jab.

It was over in a flash, less than a second, and I think I would have been out of the room less than 10 seconds if not of the camwhoring!

Here’s how it went:

He said if I could go through child birth (luckily detected early right, or else how such bundle of brilliance could come out of my you-know-where?!), this should be nothing.

I was sulking not because from the needle, but because I was just too sick from the long journey! The jab was painless! Only thing was, my plaster was placed on my blood mole mistaken for the jab hole… :|

And I got free stickers from the quite cute Dr Tay which I brought home for Minibean (okay, yes, they are disney princesses.. uhm.. hmm..).

We will be back in a month’s time for the 2nd dosage, and then in another 6 months for the booster.

If anyone of you are interested in getting your vaccination, do let me know and let’s see we can get a bulk discount, alright?

Suddenly getting all these off the chest is such liberation. Truthfully, even I, who had went thru a close shave with cervical cancer have so much to learn still. And if you think it couldn’t happen to you, neither did I think it could happen to me.

But, my first pap smear (and that strange intuition) did save my life. I was 22. Way below the average age of women diagnosed with cervical cancer (which is 40s). I did not appear to be in the high risk group. It hit me when I least expected it.

Well, the only certainty in life, is uncertainty, isn’t it? It boils down to how prepared you are for uncertainty.

Wah super long post, and bear in mind my cornea is scratched and I have double vision and tearing while writing this post which wasn’t as emotionally draining as I had anticipated it to be.

Well. If this could help even ONE of you, or convince ONE of you to take charge of this uncertainty, it will be all worthwhile.

***

Power Over Cervical Cancer is a campaign that aims to make Singapore the country with the lowest incidence of Cervical Cancer and they need your help to spread the word. Pledge your support for this cause and protect those you care about by telling them about Cervical Cancer. Together, we have POWER Over Cervical Cancer. Click the button below to begin!

Posted in Intimates, Making Sense of Life | 13 Comments »

Deep

July 26th, 2010 by admin

It is evident that I have lost interest in words.

All I have to do is to reach out.. to search through all those memories that had meant so much to me, to find those words again.

I could feel the tiny frustrations building up as I just couldn’t emote the way I used to, or let my thoughts flow deftly through my fingertips.

I know what’s wrong. But I can’t fix it.

My reluctance to write has everything to do with my refusal to dig, search, pore deep within again.

Simply because I am afraid of what I might find there, simply because I am scared that I might not come back from that limbo.

Trying. And being extra careful not to tip the balance.

***

I searched thoroughly just to look for something that meant much to me. Your presence was felt as I plunged into a whirlpool of history we shared. I held my breath as I barrier myself from the nostalgia of it all.

Carefully, glazing over the words that once meant much, shut off every skip of heartbeat the moment certain words triggered.. something.

Then I found it. The one thing that meant so much more to me than you would ever do, or you ever did. And the memory bank was locked up securely again. For good, I hope.

***

Half a lifetime of memories. You shouldn’t matter.

But how could you not, it was half a lifetime of memories, however vague.

You were one memory I refused to lock up.

I thought I must have done so somewhere along the way.

Apparently, I had naively underestimated you and let you run loose.

***

You defeated my confidence, but you showed me how I could ever love, abundantly and fearlessly, and on the other spectrum, fearfully. You showed me so many things though so many years had passed.

I tried to remember how we first started, and it turned up a blur, and then did I realise how deep into the recesses I had locked you away into.

Perhaps because, you had once meant everything to me.

And made me realise, a snap of fingers is all it took for you to become someone I never knew.

Wherever you are, be well, cos it just doesn’t make sense that someone I ever feel so much for can become such a stranger.

Especially when I slowed my pace and reminisced, I remembered how I once felt. It felt real, though it probably is losing its shine in the jam packed boxes of memories.

Then, I was reminded, of all the years I thought I had forgotten how it felt like, I felt it all over again.

***

It was me, you said.

I am in denial that I was the one who took you away, from me, from us.

***

It is intimidating to know that I am feeling all those feelings I had kept hidden away. I am afraid the day the tsunami of the past will just claim me as a fatality.

And it is scary to know that you can still feel for every of those people who had left an impact in your life, at the same time (oh gee, such a slut, hahaha), as if those feelings had never left you, and you conveniently forgot the bads, the hurts, the flaws that had made all of the above became stories of the impossible.

Posted in Intimates | No Comments »

Wheelchair bound

July 25th, 2010 by admin

It has been a pretty terrible Sunday. I had prayed extensively since this noon when I woke up and thankfully as Sunday’s end is nigh, I am finally functioning enough to blog.

Well, it was the result of too fabulous a Saturday. As always, you take some, you give some, and the trade off would mean waking up on a Sunday, barely able to open your right eye, and when you open your left eye, the pain on your right eye automatically weighs down your left.

So. I couldn’t keep my eyes opened for more than 30 seconds, before my right eye would go into a teary mess.

The teary mess in turn creates a stinging, burning sensation in the right eye… that brings on further discomfort, and more tearing.. and you think to yourself how this is certainly not the way you expect your dysfunctional tearducts to start working again.

I tried to close each eye to survey the damage.

I know I was in pretty big trouble when my right eye’s vision was a perpetual blur, even with the glasses on. I can be pressing my nose into my handphone screen and I still cannot make out the words on my phone. That’s how bad my vision is.

When my vision was accessed, I had trouble even making out the finger numbering when the Medical Officer was just a meter from me.

But besides the bad vision, the inability to open my eyes was what I was really worried about.

I didn’t care if I was a fashion disaster, and I just grabbed whatever I could get my hands on to change and headed out.

And with daylight at its full glory, my photosensitive eyes switched on the waterworks pretty swiftly. I sat in my car and knew I probably could keep my left eye opened for only 5 seconds before I had to close them to will the discomfort and pain away.

Was sent to a nearby clinic to see a GP, one of the very few clinics opened on a Sunday (tsk! Of all days!). He said it could be contact lens infection and dispensed the usual SOP advises that if I could open my eyes when he was talking, he would probably see me rolling them.

His advice was to go down to the A & E, simply cos it was a Sunday, no eye doctors around, and my eyes were impairing my daily routines, so much so that when I alighted at the carpark, I didn’t once open my eyes as I was helped to the clinic and my eyes still didn’t stop tearing.

The blurred vision was giving me giddiness, and the sun was starting to make my photosensitive eyes too painful for me to handle. I thought I might just collapse. It didn’t make any sense to me cos I was just having a swollen, painful eye, but I didn’t understand how it was bringing me this much discomfort.

Decided to head to A & E since it was a Sunday and I didn’t wanna sit on it till Monday cos I wanna know how serious it is and make necessary arrangements for Minibean’s school tomorrow, and as I am going on a trip on Wednesday, this eye issue really sets out to be the dampener of everything.

I was dropped off at the entrance, and since it was too bright and my eyes were tearing constantly, I had to stagger a little and my hands were out in the air searching for the pillars and beams. The giddiness certainly wasn’t helping.

Before I knew it, I heard someone’s voice, and I managed to peep out of my left eye (which perhaps due to the swollenness, despite it being okay, I could only open 1/3 of it, and I felt like I was fighting sleep) to see a paramedic came to me and insisting on helping me.

I told him I was perfectly fine and it was nothing serious and he told me sternly to let him do his job, which perhaps involves him not letting anyone walk into any pillars/onto the paves of the ambulances and damaging the property in the process.

So before I knew it, with total embarrassment, he had asked for a wheelchair and an assistant came to strap me into it.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No need so drama right?! My protests went unheard. I even shared that when I was in labour and my water broke, I didn’t even use a wheelchair.

But I have to say throughout the process, I didn’t even quite open my eyes to see how they look like or even take down their names.

I cannot even start saying how embarrassed I was. I cannot decide if I would be more embarrassed in a wheelchair or walking into the walls. I think at that point of time, sitting in a wheelchair was more embarrassing than anything else.

And when I was supposed to take out my IC, I couldn’t see and I ended up taking out my MBS (cough, it means nothing, really) card. DUH.

It was such a boring wait since I couldn’t see anything to read but I managed to have my little indulgences when I peeped out of my left eye to tweet within 30 seconds and then bear with the excruciating pain to my right eye it brought… cos boredom triumphs pain in my dictionary.

That is my good eye you see in the picture, it was also swollen and opened to the max as it could. IMAGINE THE EYE THAT WAS BAD?! Superbly embarrassing to be “parked” at the wheelchair zone.

The bruises on my arms and legs make it seem like I was more like an abuse victim than anything else, and my eyes probably looked like they were punched.

Went to the Triage (would have taken pictures if I could see, a camwhore never changes her hiaoness) with help since I couldn’t see the numbers flashing, did some depressing tests to know my eyesight was pretty screwed, went to see another doctor who dripped some stinging iodine or something into my eye, before referring me to the eye doctor.

The eye doctor then did some tests to show my cornea has quite a bit of a cut, asked me to stop using the solution given to me by the GP cos it was going to build more toxins in the eye, and then I was sent home after being charged with a hefty bill.

I had to lie down throughout the journey home cos it was making me freaking unwell.

Got home, skipped dinner and went straight to bed after making arrangements so that Minibean would be cared for by her grandparents over the next few days. I was pretty glad I did some housework yesterday so that I don’t have to struggle with the chores cos I don’t think it would be pretty if I walk into the walls.

When I woke up, Minibean gave me a ready hug before I sent her off, feeling a bit morose cos I had wanted to spend the time with her this week, but I probably would be home bound for a while so I don’t become a safety hazard so that means no ferrying services. Bummer.

Besides that, I would really weep if I miss the beauty of the place I am leaving for, so praying for speedy recovery.

But thankfully, my eyes are good enough for me after the nap and medication to shut one eye and blog this post, and hopefully, I can finish 4 posts by tonight so I don’t have to fret over the limited time I have on hands.

Another note, it is quite terrifying to go through the day without depending on my sight. It was as if I couldn’t hear as well, and eating without looking at my food was not as appetising as well. Had to sharpen other senses consciously so I could gain a bit of confidence going thru the motions today.

I regret taking my sight for granted everytime I abuse my eyes with prolonged lens wearing, or when I get stingy over eye care (monthly lens become bimonthly, or simply the laziness of not changing the solution in the casing). But when I cannot see clearly, and the colours are not as vivid, it depresses me greatly. Even typing depends largely on “feeeeeeling” you know?

Will promise to be good to my eyes after this episode. YI HOU BU GAN LE! *pulls my ears*

(GASP! Just tried to select all + copy the entry like I always do in case you know, the internet screws me in the arse which happened once too many times. Then my vision caused me to select PASTE. And my post disappeared. Heart nearly wanna stopped, but thankfully the Undo button worked twice round! Yay!)

Extra: I just took off my glasses to put my medication. I am actually wondering if the cut to my cornea is like, uh, lasik. My short sightedness is bad, and that means I normally can’t see things too far a distance away. Just now my injured eye actually managed to see some words 2 metres away though it is blur, it is still sharper than my left eye. Which is strange cos my right eye can’t see anything near, have I became long sighted in one eye?!

On top of the pulled hamstring I have (which apparently I pulled the front muscle of the same left thigh, tsk), I think this week is really not my week. Hmphf.

Posted in Life of a Drama Mama | 2 Comments »

Fairytales

July 20th, 2010 by admin

Someone should have banned me from motherhood.

While reading bed time story to Minibean today…

Mummy, reading from the book, “… the seven dwarfs -sniggers- laid her -muffled laughs- in the glass coffin… wahahahahaha”

Minibean: Mummy why you laughing? Why funny?

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, nothing you should know.”

And then… as I read on, I added in things on my own. “The necrophile of a prince passed by Snow White’s glass coffin and fell in love with her beauty…..”

Honestly, is it me or most children stories are so warped?

Jack and the beanstalk glamourised a burglar, Goldilocks and her bad manners… the Ugly Ducklings speaks of the importance of looks (it says the moral is to learn to love your true self, but that’s only because it eventually became beautiful, or else what would become of it?!), Pied Piper and his mass child abduction, and many more others which I have came to learn through those children stories DVD and I wasn’t the only raising my eyebrows sometimes.

Don’t even get me started on The Princess and the Pea – about a young woman whose royal identity is established by a test of her physical sensitivity.

And it has nothing to do with the fact that we have been trying to locate that mysterious pea to test our physical sensitivity.

But, the story is about a prince who wanted a real princess for a wife and refused to marry all those he was set up with. And he wanted to ascertain this girl is a real princess by placing a pea in the bedding.

I mean, how shallow can he get? Must have real princess then can get married huh? So other ideal candidates with solid characters are being scoffed at for being a non-princess?! Then it doesn’t give hope to people who believe in Cinderellas (ahem, like yours truly).

“…. that she endured a sleepless night, kept awake by something hard in the bed; which she is certain has bruised her. The prince rejoices. Only a real princess would have the sensitivity to feel a pea through such a quantity of bedding.”

Sorry, my mind is just too deep down in the gutter.

Or maybe, it was just the more subtle way of looking for a virgin bride.

Posted in Minibeanism, Piercing the mundane | 5 Comments »

Inception

July 19th, 2010 by admin

This movie is definitely worthy of a post of its own.

But well, spoilers are ahead and skip it if you don’t want anything to give the plot away.

Had wanted to catch it at Gold Class after knowing the lengthiness of this film, but every seat was fully booked even though it was late afternoon when I had checked for the film schedules.

Even the midnight shows were packed to the brim on the Saturday where a theme dinner took place that saw me struggled my way into a kebaya and hoping it wouldn’t drop to my ankles at any point of the night.

Quickly changed into some common clothes, or else I would stick out like a sore thumb, as if I just walked off the set of Little Nonya or something.

The other couple was there early to secure the seats, while other motherly duties, like buying milk powder at 11pm, took priority.

Nonetheless, I was adamant about watching the movie the very day, and there was no compromise, simply cos the amount of tweets that had flooded my twitter about the show had piqued my interest, and I was brain-teased enough to want to satisfy that curiosity, and more importantly, didn’t want anyone else to spoil the mystery behind the show for me before I get to the theatres.

And gee, was I glad to finally catch it, and it didn’t even matter that it wasn’t Gold Class, cos I certainly did not feel the time pass with such a mesmerising, amazing show.

How do I even begin?

Complex plot like what people had raved about, but Christopher Nolan’s brilliant cinematography and geniosity pretty much made sure that the common you, me, him, her are not lost in the twists to the point that the interest is lost.

Is it as complicated as much of the others had said…? I think I must have lacked something up there that I had failed to dwell and think deeper to see much to be mind-fucked. I had pretty much enjoyed the show at literal value, and just let it led me emotionally.

It wasn’t quite the physics of the dreams or the plot that made me feel that it was a good show.

It was just that.. it was utterly provocative.

Be it be mentally, or emotionally. I found myself drawn into the show sensually, because it was visually, emotionally, and just mentally stimulating, and you could feel it manipulating your senses, and for me, it was just so haunting that towards the end, I was in denial.

Especially the ending. I chose to believe what I had wished for. And perhaps, this is the very thing the director had wanted to put it into our minds.. that the power of suggestion would very much stay on even after the show to cast the doubts in us.

We would then trace every single step back, and even try to read into things that might not even mean to be anything.. just because. And it might really be nothing because.. we were guided step by step, weren’t we (maybe I am too slow and missed something here?)?

Since I tried to watch it simply, and not over complicate it that might potentially smear a captivating movie, the only time I got mind-fucked (well, in ANOTHER way) was probably the time when Joseph Gordon-Levitt graced the screen and I was giggling away like a schoolgirl with my breath held.

Sorry, where were we?

Ah.

The cast. The stellar cast… I am not sure if Leonardo DiCaprio’s Titanic reputation precedes him that much that no one seems to take him seriously.

But can you think of a BAD LeoDi movie even if you are not a fan of his?

Neither can I. There is always a certain depth to them (ironically, Titanic maybe is the one with most depth.. ocean, right? Wahahaha, lame joke.. shoot me please) and there is no way you can say he is a bad actor just because he is too much of a pretty boy.

There is a parallel I could draw with Inception and Shutter Island, but Inception is a piece of art with the way the pieces are brought together while maintaining the film’s commericiality.

But the cast was distinctive with the characters fleshed up by the people playing them. I enjoyed all their performances.

The pace was impeccably timed for the concurrent 3 stories to run side by side, and everything was so amped up that I could not recall a lull in the movie.

The idea of how vast our minds are while sleeping, and how it could liberate us from limits and boundaries.

I know this is a bit off topic, but the most vivid dream I ever had, was one that was layered. Strange as it sounds, but it was a dream that freaked me out the most, ever, but the dream within the dream was the one that was the most realistic that my senses remembered for a very, very long time.

Okay, I am no Christopher Nolan, so there is no way I could describe it creatively, and convincingly without sounding I am half a lunatic.

Not that I think anyone want to steal my dreams, but if my dreams are ever intruded and Christopher Nolan wanna make a movie of it, it would be a meat fest of different yummy men and be rated child unfriendly. Nolan might need to venture into another film market which uhm, giggles, might work better with credit cards.

Cough.. s… l… u.. t… cough.

Why do I keep steering off topic?!?!

Anyway.

After watching the movie, I actually thought it is damn possible to transcend logic and venture into another world via our dreams, and the expansive imagination to engineer an original set for dreams to be set in.. WOW. Just wow. Wonderland wouldn’t have charmed me that much compared to a universe closer to reality created by the mind.

It is very much the little things and all the elements that make this show works for me, though people might feel an extreme of if it was overhyped, too complicated, too simple, too commercial, too… overrated.

Got action, got sci-fi, got romance, got friendship, got hot men, got mentor-ship, got family, got things being blown up, got hot men, got gun fight, got children (*sniff sniff*), got inner struggles, got hot men and everyone kinda survived. Did I mention Tom Hardy, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Cillian Murphy? Nuff said.

But it was refreshing from the usual plots, and it certainly worked for me to be one of the more enjoyable movies in a long, long while.

Worth a watch, and if at the end of the movie, he didn’t care if the totem fall, perhaps I shouldn’t be too caught up with how I wished it did (and thus, ignoring all the other signs), and then it had became a dream come true for him.

He’s happy, he has found what he had been looking for. So, regardless, so what if it was the reality or not?

And that was how, the genius of a director had left us with a buzz to carry on guessing. The power of suggestion. The power of Inception, pun fully intended.

Well, it is real, as long as you believe.

Posted in Life's Fillers | No Comments »

I would never

July 19th, 2010 by admin

Remember how I set out to make 2010 different?

Oh boy, different it has been.

Just a tad more and I would have pretty much what I had wanted to do during this period of time, and it has been pretty awesome, though at times the doubts set in pretty promptly, but faith has pretty much tide me through and brought opportunities I didn’t think possible.

Lack of blogposts were contributed by poor hosting, a lack of motivation since I pretty much wall up quite a bit and doubt this space is still active, an inability to find words… and having major distractions like the yummy men running on the field playing the occasional fabulous games of football, or like how this post was halted in between to make milk, brush Minibean’s teeth, and washing her bum bum after she pooped.

Sometime within the next few minutes, I have to change her and then get my chauffeur duties done, before a lunch date with an old, old chum of mine.

You can say I have arrived at auntiedom, or that I am tai-let right now since there is nowhere I am near full blown taitaidom as savings are depleting faster than my energy level each day handling a toddler who is at her most active and curious stage.

Without concentration to let words flow freely and abundantly, the reflective me-time I used to spend liberally has became a luxury.

Only reminders of those things that happened in the past 7 months have taken forms in scattered drafts just to remind myself I would one day jot them down.

Like.. the many things that happened or came to mind.

Keeping fingers crossed that my ambitious target of 4 blogposts by the end of this week is not too impossible, especially since this month only saw me posting a miserable post, the lowest churn rate since this space kicked into operation 7 years ago.

Now, they say about the 7 year itch. It seems very real now.

***

Though I have not ventured onto fulfilling my bucket list during this time, but I thought what would be nice and different is to always pause to put things into another perspective whenever I make a decision.

Like, many people would wanna do what they always set out to do.

This time, I told myself I would do things that I thought I would never do.

Like, public speaking, bungee jumping blarblarblar, things like that, and NOT along the lines of “I would never do John Terry and become a Chelsea fan”.

So an impromptu trip was kicked into motion and though I had an option to go to somewhere cooler and more likely to be somewhere I would go… I immediately stopped to reconsider my other option which I had originally scoffed at.

And all it took was half an hour for me to change my mind and decide to go to a new country, new city to explore a place I never thought I would go.

The excitement and the anticipation is even greater than what I had felt when going to a place of familiarity.

I think plunging into an unknown does bring me thrills. Can’t wait for the surprises (including those that might be unpleasant) await.

Let’s just hope I survive. No land mines. No malaria. No… well, anything that would make this space permanently quiet. Heh.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 2 Comments »

Siempre con nosotros

July 12th, 2010 by admin

I am an emotional mess.

I am moved by such overwhelming joy, seeing Spain has come such a long way to make history tonight.

When my Elvish Prince broke down in tears, I just felt the surge of emotions making their ways to the tear ducts and they were just uncontrollable.

I just sat there and soaked in every single emotion displayed….

.. the unadulterated joy, the pure ecstasy to be top of the world… and the brilliance when the stadium was lit up by the fireworks, and marked the fairytale (well, at least to me, it was) ending.

My heart went out to the Dutch as they sat there, despondent, yet with great sportsmanship, flanked the champions as they descended to the pitch with the prize in hands.

Though I might have a word or 2 on the level and amount of fouling which tainted the game. They say it is only Mark van Bommel, but gee, he definitely isn’t alone!

When Netherlands played Brazil, Brazil had commented that Netherlands play South American style football.. now we know why.

I am now slightly apprehensive to wear Orange anytime soon, in case I become somewhat violent too. Cross me and I might just stamp you in your chest!

I have been lucky that I didn’t get my heart broken so far with all the world cup finals, but I know the blow will be too hard to take that I kept repeating to myself how lower expectations will bring lesser pain with build up to the match. Especially with my Azzurri out of the competition, my hopes and happiness were hanging on the sometimes inconsistent Spain, which I prayed and wished for a night of splendor on the night it matters most.

And with my kind of jinx, I tried very hard not to show too much blatant support to jinx the team I support. Not even the Oracle Octopus could buy me a peace of mind.

Apparently, judging from the facebook and twitter responses, most people are actually not in favour of a Spanish win.

Have to say that I was surprised to see Netherlands seemingly run out of steam towards the end, and the goal just killed them. They seemed to give up there and then and didn’t see the need to fight back. I was expected higher level of resistance from this team cos I did have very high expectations of them.

I have so much to say but with so much emotions build up, I shall go savour this moment of glory by such a brilliant team, and ease the tension I put my mind and body through. You know, some moments call for clenching the butt cheeks quite often…

I thought I was gonna have a heart attack or something and gonna die too soon as I waited for the final whistle with bated breath. And when it finally did, it was a fiesta!

I have been waiting for the day my Elvish prince to shine and become King.

And he finally did.

A warm, thoughtful touch from the match winner of the night, was for the team mate who had passed on too immaturely at the prime of his life – Dani Jarque – siempre con nosotros.

Always with us.

And I believe, this team would like to dedicate this victory to him.

Congrats Spain, all these years of emotional investment finally got some positive ROI, laughs.

The moment of pride when they wore the scarlet tops with a star.. the men grinning like boys.. the bad singing from my Elvish King.. the instance the cup was lifted and the confetti rained.

A virgin victory. One that holds so much meaning behind it. Etched into the history books.

Unlike the last world cup when I am happy, laughing, jumping and screaming, this year’s world cup win is a much more emotional one, where it is lingering, and hauntingly so.

If it was few days earlier, I might just empty an entire box of tissue.

I might as well confess that I was so emotionally earlier this week that I was triggered by Waka waka MTV to actually break down and sob. I remember how silly and emotional that moment was. I mean, really, what the fuck right? To actually wanna break down just because of a fucking waka waka MTV?!

Well, that’s hormones for you.

Will write more when I am more coherant. I think I might just have sweet dreams of me on the pitch, part of the Spanish celebration :)

You guys have come a long way, baybeh.

Posted in Perk-me-ups | 2 Comments »