A quarter of the year is almost coming to an end, and it is only now I seem to have the thought of blogging nagging at the back of my head.

So far, 2010 has been very, very, very kind to me. So is my favourite month of the year (it is tie between December and March), especially with the sporadic rain spells and more reasons to meet up with people I hadn’t seen in a while.

Alas, I wish I could say the same about how it could have been the same for people around me. Somehow I do feel I seem to take on the grief of others sometimes, and everything will just spiral from there.

Besides, the negativity seems to bring out some of the not-so-nice traits in other people, amplify their short-comings as a friend, and you start to wonder how far can this disappointment go. The usual tolerance for such insensitive, juvenile behaviours also came to a halt because you longer defend yourself, but someone else, someone who is vulnerable.

I brought this issue up to someone, who was there for me during one of them mornings when I felt overwhelmed by everyone’s issues and couldn’t find sleep.

It is not our stories to tell, and as with many things in life, there are things we wouldn’t know. You think you know Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? Even in AJ and BP breaks up, maybe they would remember some of their happiest time together as a couple, and will still be happy cos the way they handle it is more unconventional and had a certain kind of understanding. And even if one day we are gloating, they have passed 10 years of happy life (if they choose to be happy when they are happy and even when they are not, so doesn’t mean 10 years of togetherness) while we have yet to move on.

Seriously, it depends which camp you are on to believe they are perfect and happy together without believing in lifelong commitment, or that they are miserable and putting together an act just to declare victory for the world to see. Most of the time, we just see what we would rather believe in, no?

It does indeed, have a feel-good factor to think they are incredibly unhappy together, and everything is for a show, and BP is missing JA every moment… and BP is becoming a scruffy puppy (no, I do not agree with the others who wish upon Downs on their babies just because of this resentment) with the constant fights they are having and they are yadda yadda yadda… so it is like justice, served cold.

But others do no lead their lives for us, just like how we don’t, for them.

If not, wouldn’t it be tiring that if I grow a pimple on my forehead, and other people will think it is because I cross their paths, and I am having a pimple because of them?

I believe one thing for sure, there are bounds to be ups and downs in one’s life, but we can’t say for sure that when there is a down, say 3 years down the road, it is because it happened because he stepped on my toes during Salsa class and I bore a grudge since then.

They may be down and out, say now, or even few years later, and there will be a time you will be too, that’s just the simple logic of life.

And sometimes, depending on perception, you think they are down and out, yet they are at the happiest of their lives, cos a change is about to take place. Or you think they are getting to places they don’t deserve and you get your nerves tied cos your little insecurities and jealousy are playing up, when in fact they might not be all that happy.

I don’t have that much of my life to sit back and wait for the day to happen and gloriously claim those things happen because of me, cos I acknowledge the fact that I am not that important, and the time is better spent, say, watching How I Met Your Mother and worrying which school to send Minibean to (it is a bloody stressful task okay?) like a typical kiasu parent.

In the same breath, haven’t you seen the most tragic happening to the loveliest people around you, and the most manipulative hypocrites getting away with their class acts?

That gotta show that, suck it up biatches, life is indeed unfair.

Sometimes, there are no definite rights and wrongs, but it is all a matter of principles, of how things are handled. There were some things that some parties involved did that are obviously NOT NICE, and it goes to show character. But sometimes, there will be repentant ones, yet some others will just go on cos their egos got in the way and went on to be malicious.

It is quite low, if you ask me.

Yet, the beauty of it is also the people who shine through during this time, the beauty of their characters simply cos, you know these people would have your backs should someday something like this happen to you. And the people who would stand in the face of the verbal abuse just to shield you from them even though they know they would be at the receiving end.

I know like all things, this too, shall pass, with time.

It is a little disheartening at times to see everyone getting affected and quite eye-opening to see even the usual objective people starting to voice opinions of their own.

Through these, you really do know people on a deeper level.

***

It wasn’t my intention to start off this post with something this heavy, especially it is titled “Favourite”. Strangely enough, I have ended up writing about things that are not what I originally intended to write, which honestly, had diffused out of my mind as I went on.

So much had happened in this month, that I feel a need to start my momentum in blogging so as to not miss anything.

Maybe the most significant of all, is the little glimpse I caught of the self I had been searching for, and it gave me enough hope that anything is possible.

It is gonna be a long, long catch up, dating all the way back to 15 December 2009.

I need more quiet nights like this, that words can come effortlessly, though I have to remind myself that I did fall asleep at near midnight, halfway through Magnolia, and woke up at 3am thinking it was 7am.

I was woken up in a dream that was reflecting my reality, just that in my dream, it was 7 am and there was a hint of daylight out there.

I remember I dreamt of Potatomusmaximus, and Jenn, and Jenn was somewhere overseas, and it was a strange dream that didn’t make sense cos we were in a country that isn’t like where we belong, which even Michael Jackson made a cameo.

Strangest thing was we were exchanging adult materials online, and I ended up springing up at 3am in the morning, and having an urge to well, do some “adult research”. Instead of getting the decent, proper movie Atonement, I ended up downloading something by Jenna Jameson.

It is 6ish on a Monday morning, and I still haven’t seen anything adult-ish to get my blood running cos it is taking a long time. Bah.

Giggles, don’t judge me, you will be surprised when I mentioned it to ladies, and even the sweetie pie looking one told me she has an entire HDD she hadn’t explored. You know, I have my needs curiosity too?

It would be the 13th movie I watched in the past few weeks, and the only Blue Movie (oh yes, that’s the title). Don’t ask me why I even need plots for such things.

My blog productivity is not as strong when it is in the day, so perhaps it means more strange and awkward sleeping pattern to bring the bloggomojo back.

“Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.”

Don Delillo

***

Words. They either cost as much as the sturdy rope that snakes into a noose, or they come free, like the air that you breathe that keeps you going.

Cheap or priceless? Your call.

Can’t wait to come to my own rescue

And someday I will die happy, for I get “quoted” like the great men did. Cough.

I find it hard to hold my tongue when I see injustice to people around me. I probably can keep my peace, but it irks me how people get away with just playing the perpetual victim, or simply, because they often get away with things cos people give in to them, even when they don’t deserve such privilege.

I do remember months ago, I have a friend who did something not right, and another friend said, “You know how she is, just let it be, we are her friends, what can we do but to let it go, right?”

The friend got away without even a smack on the wrist, and went on to think her righteousness was justified, cos no one disagreed. It fuelled her loud blabs on calling someone else names and stick untrue stories to make someone else look bad, when I know for a fact those things didn’t happen.

Unfortunately, someone else was someone I do know personally, and respect, just that on a personal intimacy level, my acquaintancy with someone else does not supersede a relatively long friendship.

I know of someone who would jump out and protect each and everyone of her friends, and she is like a mother hen, fiercely protecting her chicks.

I always see people around her, and I feel that people are very fortunate to have a friend like her, because of her fierce loyalty to her friends, and you know she is someone who always have your back. Even when your house needs cleaning, or when you are sprung with a bowl of homemade chicken soup, just because she thinks you need it.

Alas, not everyone would think it is a good thing, because many people have pride, and they would prefer to fend for themselves and not let someone else do the dirty job. And there will be people who will be cautious, probably because of the other people they have met along the way who acted protective not because they are truly protective friends, but because these friends wanna hog the drama to themselves and create a bigger script it already has.

But humans do take sides, that’s what it is. Sometimes it is clearer, sometimes it is just by sheer faith and blindness, sometimes it is just, friends, but sometimes it is just…. injustice that prompted words.

And regardless what it may be, I do always feel thankful for the fact that people who had came into my life, seldom mince their words around me, and always put me back in place. For that, I really, really, do appreciate.

I don’t like it when things are said about my friends. I don’t like it when things that aren’t true are said about people who are not even close friends. I don’t even like it when untruths are spun about people am neutral to.

I don’t know how to put it, call it a hunch, call it a fast dissection of characters, or call it protective instinct.

It is like if someone says something about your sister, your mum or your wife or girlfriend, you know the “qi” that flows up to you?

Sometimes some people, however sweet looking, nice and dainty they are, they can trigger such a reaction in you, just like how you can’t put a finger on what is wrong with the equation which is seemingly… nothing wrong.

Funny how this topic started today with a phone call from 6am, with a toyboy on the phone for 3 and half hours, and then we touched on topic from anything from A to Z (and even a plan to just scoot away for a week or so, but I might be charged for abducting an underaged boy hahaha), but then eventually, it went on to human nature.

In fact, it was hilarious cos the usually polished speech of his, became peppered with words I am better acquainted with (The Story of the Polished Nuts, I was told), and the wise one here and the young one were discussing about the art of nonchalance and the theory of karma (which honestly not a theory we believe in) and how all things, shall pass.

Of course, if I do say this, there is always a chance that I might risk sounding double standard about things, cos hey, c’mon, we all make mistakes along the way.

But trust me, I was just surprised when the topic was brought up, and could just giggle at the irony of it all.

You know when we see injustice, we will tend to make a comment, and then we move on after hoping to putting things in place, just that, sometimes, when people’s hearts are not open, it becomes a thorn in the flesh and people do not move on from there, because they believe people have “turn against them“.

And in the absolute rule of the book “Your world is MY world (and it shall spin and revolve around me)”, if you don’t let this species of people get their ways or be agreeable to them, you are in their book of death, probably for a long long time, even if you have long forgotten about them.

You see, me writing this, a few people might think it is about them, because that’s the secondary rule in the book (#2 – Everything is about ME!), but I am writing about a stranger and at the same time, a close friend (see above for the mention of the friend who got away), whom I think had went too far, and I might risk incurring their wrath so much that I might be cursed to become a frog because I said something they might not want to hear.

CROAKKK!

Remember, their rules are the LAW? Cos they had practically being given the luxury of getting away with almost anything, IF you not feeding their insecurities mean, uh oh, it translated to: you have committed a grave sin; because you guys have spoilt them enough that they cannot handle NOT getting their ways.

Or maybe, their acts have brought them far enough to get what they want, and when their acts fail to pull the wools over the unblinded, they panic, and fluster.

However, I am fully aware that it is measurable by our own yardstick of morals and what’s right and wrong, th0ugh sometimes there is an obvious, and some other times, people just say things for the benefits of themselves.

Like the friend who says others are riding the drama, hmm, is she ownself not? Maybe not, cos she is speaking up for a friend. That, I give it to her, cos maybe she forget other people have true friends.

And definition of gorgeous? Something I know a person who slashed someone’s Gucci bag when incensed by jealousy can never be, sniggers. And yes, Rach may be someone I do not know well, but what people around her and around you reflected about you guys, you can never be as gorgeous as Rach that way.

On a side note.

I saw something that happened today between people I do know, and I didn’t like it. Not liking it in the sense that it makes me very uncomfortable.

There are knights on horses whom I failed to see on other occasions, and I have seen broken hearted men saying words of irrationality, which are not new because there are countless girls whom have said the same thing way before his time and got away with. But here’s the difference: he is a guy, and he gets beaten up harshly for it.

I don’t see you jumping out protecting the other people when they are at the receiving end? In fact, all I saw was you trying to fuel if situation is reversal.

Careful if you fall from that horse, it is gonna be very painful from that height.

Emotions often run high, I understand. Excuses can always be found for the other people you know, especially friends. Sometimes, you need a bit of patience to extend that grace to people beyond that.

And it is base on the incident I make this comment, and nothing personal. In the same breath, even if I don’t agree with what you have said and done, I might still speak up for you if same thing happens to you.

All people need, is that bit of understanding, sometimes. Especially a friend in need.

But if you do not have the kind of sensitivity for others, no one would spare any for you either. To give you the benefit of doubt, maybe it was tough love to ask someone who is down and out to grow a pair, but no one did say anything when everyone tried to hide for you when you do not have a pair to let someone know where you were during Lunar New Year. Small things need a pair already, big things, how?

All I am saying, is the grace and leeway for people around you.

Though there will be people who acted not on emotional irrationality, but simply on manipulation and pride… who probably do not deserve any respect, yet sometimes… people will rather side the latter than former.

Okay. Just random thoughts, and my thoughts are with those who aren’t feeling too great and hope they pull thru this time soon.

Yawns.

Just an auntie here watching too much drama series and not very pleased to see my friends being treated shabbily with words and all and feeling this perpetual need to speak a word or two, just cos my weakness is not able to hold my tongue very well.

If this post does get your feathers ruffled, just to let you know I will have my mind on my fishes, my dinner, and my next blog post (wah!!!), my next read and pondering which movie to watch tonight, and you will be there stamping your feet with your breaths quicken and teeth gritted, when in fact, I may not be talking about you at all.

Be well all, be well.

*Beams SQ smile*

It is a bit out of tune for me to post this, but sometimes the tension needs to be diffused, and what better way than to present you the one with the magnetic draw…

Oh yes, that’s my name alright.