It has been a while.

It feels like it was left unattended on purpose, and I don’t actually miss it.

It has been a hectic week, and despite I am at the peak of my hermitism, I managed to pull through a few stuff despite the initial resistance.

I believe all are for the better, for I learnt a great deal in the past week, and met the most fabulous people who probably are going to be contributing factors for me to take the leap of faith… or rather, dread.

The week was finally over before I knew it, and despite the physically fatigue, what happened in earlier part of the week, which I had to put off temporarily, had confronted me in the face.

Family.

And this is the time I struggle to make the right decision.

What is right? The priority became a power struggle between keeping peace, and compromising to put everyone into the equation, or does it mean to be selfish and then, just, without a fuck care in the world and whoever’s feelings, and just seriously, pack up and go.

Just the two of us.

I can’t help for being a failure of a mother, and this was even more blatantly shouting into my face this morning, when the back-to-back schedule and late nights were probably too effective in slowing the mind down.

If only. If only ideally, I can just give everything up, and just uproot to wherever, somewhere, with just me and her.

Somewhere, where I will not be able to see the mess and tears I leave behind.

It had been a challenge to come out of my shell, and just throw myself into the momentum I set myself up for, and I still feel like I don’t belong anywhere.

I laughed really hard over the weekend, and giggled from the heart at some points, and even find traces of old self as I bounced to YMCA in front of a crowd without a care.

I felt real joy last week.

It was quick to feel real sadness soon after with things happening.

I felt conviction.

Yet I felt doubt.

I avoided plenty of eye contact with the usual people-jitters.

I looked confidently into some people’s eyes and spoke with what I didn’t know I had in me.

And then.

I saw the tears in my dad’s eyes, I saw the age creeping up on him and yet I can’t decide if the stress is the catalyst.

I met someone who really touched me greatly like a father figure, and somewhat, even if it was sweet-nothing, it reflected upon what I had missed out, and what I am missing.

Then I thought, the reason behind all the trying and the struggling and hard work to summon my strength, it was all for one reason – Minibean.

Yet, the past week shows that, I have lost sight of that priority.

I still couldn’t find the energy (it needs me to psyche my strength up) to write down the conversations I had with my dad, which made me cry, and the episode recently, that made my dad cry.

That, made me want to take action. An action that potentially can blow up in my face, but at this moment, necessary.

I took urgent leave today.

And the time is…. unfortunately, near.

But the last week, was one, that I desperately needed as a wake up call.

So, time to set things into motion, and make a radical change.

What a great relief it is.

With the madness going on, I shall now take refuge in The Lost Symbol.