Gastro orgasm.

*Burp*

What a day.

***

Reunion with someone from so many years ago, someone whose life was one I had one day followed on the papers, and my heart went all out to her, and.. when I finally saw her, our eyes met before I launched into a loud “Oh MY GOD!”

She stared at me at a good few seconds longer, before her smile of politeness became one of acknowledgement.

There isn’t much people from the past that would make me want to immediately pull them into my embrace, but she was definitely such.

I was just so glad to find her again after all these years.

We caught up. I teared. We aged. We perhaps are looking at the same direction right now to establish something for ourselves and everything is secondary.

It is an learning opportunity, and I filtered things for myself that I hope to take the positive and cast out the negative, just like the way she did.

It is just like this event, a chance to network, and establishing relationships with people from different trades, different industry.

Sometimes, we have to humble ourselves before we can reap and open up the minds for the endless possibilities out there.

People judge too soon, and maybe that’s why the circle they drew for themselves and lock themselves in, is one they wouldn’t, not couldn’t, come out from.

I can’t control what people want to say, but I can control who I have around me, she said. She held my hand very tight when we parted after we sat down at the lounge area.

How do you catch up 12 years of parting, loss, heartaches, crises.

And then you realise, it is not the juvenile shit people talk about.

The ironic thing is, as I chanted about sensitivity yesterday and how walking away is the polite thing to do, I totally forgotten about sensitivity as I went on about what she had missed out in my life, when I touched on a topic that was potentially painful for her.

I hope she doesn’t read this, cos it might be painful, but at the same time, I admire her strength. She is someone who touched me greatly.

Cancer, single-motherhood, social stigma, suicide, loss, hope.

I will never forget the day when I read the papers and saw her a picture of devastation and I cried in disbelief, when her mother was bugged so much by what people say, how people judged, that she ended her life on the MRT tracks to prove her innocence.

And her mother, I remember, was one of the coolest, and sweetest mothers of my friends.

It took just one moment of rashness. One moment of hopelessness. One moment.

***

I think that’s the reason why I love trade shows. Started from one. The first one. The Starhub one. The one chance I will never thank enough for an once-friend.

Then, the GP one, for another once-friend.

This time, I helped out at SBB(yes, THAT one, I can almost see the disappointment with me/scorns on your faces, depending on who you are)’s company, and I would say what I bartered for is pretty worth it.

The other day, a friend of mine asked me what it could potentially mean, and I told her I kinda knew what was going to happen, but it was going to be inevitable. Will it affect me? I knew what was coming, and what else can I do even if so?

It sounds cliche… but clear conscience? I say I have, if you don’t like me, you naturally wanna find an excuse to not like me and would rather think otherwise. If you started reading my blog not liking me, or gradually started to grow intense dislike for me, ah hah! I have all the fodder you need now, right? Like strike 4D!

But with that mental preparation was what made things good, cos indifference, can be a good thing, and what everyone is trying to strive towards, isn’t it? Like someone wise (ahem ahem, yours truly) once said, time is the essence for indifference.

Seriously I tell you I ain’t affected, you also think I bullshit you, but then the myriads of emotion were came quick and swift, then it became almost nothing (now you know what the previous post is about) and sometimes you feel affected cos you assume you will feel affected. Then you start asking yourself, “Eh, aren’t I supposed to feel affected?” Then when you don’t, you start to wonder where it is, then you start to wonder do I, do I not? Is it there? Then why cannot find it?  Then you like search for it and questioned if you are doing such a good job fooling yourself as well. The element of disbelief. Not unlike when you have been waiting for you sex change op for the longest time, and when you finally do it, you wake up to make sure your kkj is no more, and you wonder if it could be so fast and easy, and the accomplishment of it all.

I did feel affected briefly, like how people who go through traumatic event of being bitten and then there is a reminder (eh, like how I choked on fishball, I will be extra cautious about fishball and its choking potential) but nothing personal or the extreme way you or me would think it would be. Then you just concede this gotta happen someday (ahem, like a certain house party…) , and you are just heave a sigh of relief that there was no bitterness.

And like I said last night to Clar, that it was actually a great relief (though maybe I think too much about the need of sensitivity or else to be misunderstood of being doing things on purpose), and then the understanding of why and how it was a much needed closure for everyone.

Though sometimes, you can’t control how you life is a show for others who are interested.

***

A question a friend recently went through heartache gave me a choice, “Bitterness or hurt?”

I say I wonder if I would wish to hang on to more bitterness to speed the healing, to kill off everything. I feel… safer that way. But very hard to brew and then try to fuel it to keep up with it.

And the former is a choice.

Forgiveness could perhaps come easy, but maybe it is a choice we want to fight, cos that’s how defence mechanism work, isn’t it? So complicated and complex. Tsk!

I guess it is good that I don’t need to pretend I am often angry with myself the most. I am strangely emotive sometimes, and that is often quite an open-book to read that those who leave hostile messages were quick to identify and know the vital points to hit, and I almost am the one who hands the ammunition to those who dealt low blows.

You may not understand, you may not agree, you may be frustrated, you may assume, you may be disappointed (yes, you, I miss you), you could feel pain for me.. but I really just wanna find the openness, again and not care who is reading, and fuck sensitivity and fuck self-protection (haha, I say only, I am the laziest bitch to crawl out of comfort zone to be out in the open these days).

Like. I cry, I laugh, I falter, I fume, I bitch, I burp, I pluck my armpit hair the way I do them best.

And it is very therapeutic!

I am not trying to win (unless in 4D, Mahjong, Casino and Toto!), cos I am well aware this isn’t a game and I don’t like to compete, nor do I wanna ra-ra to the point just to convince anyone anything, but it has became something I truly do not want to think about.

Escapism, denial, anything, or just sheer money-making crazy and busy to be thinking deep.

There too, is nothing to brag (unless I get a Longchamp bag, sorry, sorry, inside joke!), nothing to hide (some readers who emailed me had gotten honest answers from me), though sometimes, the more you say, or the less you say, get you into the same trouble.

Like the above, it could cover various areas, and depending on who you are, and what you want to read, you get different perspective of what it really, really means.

This post is getting me there, methinks.

***

The funniest thing happened when I approached a chap to ask him for help, when I saw his name tag, I was like, “Oh gosh. You are the only stranger on my facebook.”

Someone who mis-added me and I mis-added him thinking he is a friend.

And what a strange way to meet.

So shy!

Of course, there are many funny shyshy moments….

***

I met a Malaysian girl who couldn’t speak much English and we conversed mainly in Mandarin.

It was an interesting chanced encounter, and somehow her down-to-earthness struck me and you know how you can randomly meet someone, and it just… I don’t know, you just wanna protect her kind? She was uncertain, and a lil insecure.

We didn’t talk anything personal, we just spoke of opinions and topics we aren’t even sure of.

Before she went off, her eyes lit up and said, “You know, it is very interesting talking to you.. and I look forward seeing you again”

It is not sexual attraction, alright? It was just.. like we both found a safe place to feel kinda belonged, kinda relaxed and just, relate.

I didn’t even get her name.

All things, I believe, happen for a reason.

***

It was a chilly night, and I was dozing off at the table while the guys attacked the crabs.

Do you know the smallest Australian King crab weighs at least 3 kg and it would cost $400-500 for one?!

***

The biggest surprise and nicest thing is when I got home and the little thing ran into my arms.

Though the not-so-good news is Dad is having an infection from his previous surgery (yes, been a blardy long time, I know), but it was such a pleasant night to just talk to him and us sharing sweet little tidbits of the little one that made us laugh. I felt a sudden urge to hug him and just tell him how much I love him and how grateful I am to him.

Even when speaking to Mum, I managed to make her laugh.

Minibean kept kissing me, and then insisted on putting on the red heels and picking up my bag to parade around the hall.

And no, I still can’t find it within me to say yes though I have too much of a problem saying no.