Archive for August, 2009

Seen and heard

Over the weekend, much running around was done with some crisis management in hands, and getting endlessly worried, though at the same time, trying to make others less worried.

It must have been a not-so-good year with many things happening to friends around me, and there was this recent day, not so long ago, that at the SAME TIME, SAME NIGHT, SAME THING, happened to 4 individuals at the same time, when they are not related or whatsoever.

How creepy is that?

It is going to be challenging for many people for the days ahead, but I guess it is just a natural process of how we handle with whatever cards life dealt with us.

Sometimes do you realise we find it easier to go out of comfort zone of speaking to people, seeking for help, believing in what we do so, having a passion for what we speak when we are doing it for others, and it gets harder when it is actually for ourselves?

***

Some pictures which I had been too lazy to share.

A tiny piece of peace I found at some secluded area, distracting the cluttered mind from worries, plans, steps and circles of thoughts.

Of course, the only picture of the Fishery Market, since I was too chicken to even stare at the other dead fishes, much less to take pictures of them.

Was supposed to return on Saturday night with other friends, but the plan didn’t realise after a drive-around Singapore proved to be too tiring for one of them, understandably so.

***
So I didn’t really set out what I set out to do over this weekend, though I had procrastinated it for a long time.

I can only try again to keep our BIG (but unrealistic dreams) alive, hahaha.

Had a nice dinner at Hoo Ha Cafe again, before heading to the East to get my pampering treat for myself, and along the way the plan to head to Jurong Fishery was dropped, so we ended the evening somewhere in the middle of the island.

It was perhaps near midnight when I finally got back, and despite the fatigue, the little one was less than forgiving with her quest for attention. Though there was this part she managed to subdue herself a little, and had her head on my laps as she sang twinkle twinkle little star to me, and I joined in in chorus, patting her head, and she turned up and stared at me in the eyes.

I tried to pluck my armpit hair, but it proves to be a big NONO because she ended up saying, “Mummy I help you!“  and pinched my armpit, real hard.

Ouchie.

NOTE TO SELF: Never pluck any other hair in front of her again!

I was a little impatient and went on a sulking quiet protest, and she did her usual pounce-on-Mummy-to-tell-her-I-love-her-and-throw-in-a-big-wet-kiss.

I didn’t bulge, and I did my physio exercises, before lying down and sleep, while softly babyvoicing (oh dear, I still have IT) her that I was very tired and I am so sad she is not listening to me. I wonder who is the baby now.

She actually lie down quietly and then spoke in a soft babyvoice that she loves me, and I sayang-ed her face, hugged her, and we said a night prayer together before we went to sleep. I was knocked out in record timing. 2 weeks and still no solid rest.

I. AM. ALMOST. DYING.

I was woken a few times with her legs in my face, and her hand clawing my chest. There was this part she was crying in her sleep and I hushed her with And a few times I caught myself waking up in fear when I had treated her like my chowchow. But she is tough girl.

***

Left her in bed before leaving the house this morning in the rain.

What a nice weather to be sleeping in, and wasted to be out.

However, halfway through, was feeling too unwell and had to leave early just so I could get home and get medicated.

After I finally got to pluck my armpit hair, I actually fell asleep and found the weekend over before I actually found it beginning.

I take pride in the tiny things.

Like how I was able to do a bit of reading by a small pond which was teased by the drizzle (though the pain was too much to bear that I couldn’t even absorb much). I finally got the time to read a little, chill a little, breathe a little, blog a little. I collected my purchase (so many many many many awesomeness!). Got a deal in the bag just as week ended. And despite all the fatigue, Minibean fits into the schedule too.

Only thing? My Like button is still sucky! Hmphf.

***

Oh.

This is a note I saw on a P-plated car on my neighbour’s windshield.

Poor chap, meet such a rudie, though his parking was really quite bad, but that’s why his P-plate is there I think.

Reminds me of the rudie that left me THAT ridiculous note, that made me don’t know to laugh or fume.

I need nicer neighbours, I think.

Hidden gems

What meant to be a longer day turned out to be much longer than it had planned to be.

Meeting was shorter than the 2 days before, which perhaps spare the bad back a lil.

I ended up didn’t go gallop, galloping at the Turf Club, but since I had a prior pleasant experience in the box lounge, I guess forsaken this time for a greater good was more appropriate in this case.

A tiny piece of incident when I was almost “giaping” my legs with urgency when I needed the loo badly.

I ran into the ladies, looking for relief, only to realise that 2 men were looking at me all flustered.

Knowing how I have ALWAYS made an embarrassing mistake like this, I cupped mouth and squealed before running out apologising. In response, the guys squealed back in mocked horror.

Trust me, the running was cos I needed the toilet badly.

I ran out, turned around and saw it was LADIES sign what!

I ran back in, the 2 guys laughing at how flustered I was.

Plumbers.

Bah!

I didn’t care and went into the loo with all the embarrassing sounds to be heard.

Just as the day seemed too grim, my co-worker messaged to relay the exceptionally good news to me that I was only too eager to share with my boss with one too many “yay”s and giggles. I should be glad I didn’t use any “BOOMSSZZ“.

Sat around at Toa Payoh hub for a while, before going for dinner of Bak Kut Teh in between phone calls.

It should be a quick conclusion to the day though a reluctance of ending the day and the stress laden prompted an aimless, yet fruitful drive around places seldom ventured with me leading the way by not knowing the way.

The west can be a very mesmerising place.

Went into Jurong Island (haha!), okay fine, we went past the gantry and made an U-turn.

From the massive plants standing stoic in the orange lights, spitting out clouds of pollutants to the sky, to the small hills of biofuel still worked on by the digger at this time of the night, workers cycling after a long day of shift work, a shipyard so well-hidden that you could only barely see the helm of a very massive fleet, and sights that were never seen nor heard flanking the peaceful, rural roads.

I almost didn’t think there are still non airconditioned buses around. Or maybe they are all left to beautify places like Orchard and all.

I survived well without triggering the gurkhas’ suspicion cos being shot was not really the way the curious cat want to go.

And then, I thought of the camera I had underutilize, which would be of great use in such an occasion. Someday. I shall be back.

An early night of rest (which I had aimed to sleep at 11pm) was no longer of importance with this recharged feeling, and then it became a quest to look for other hidden gems I was determined to find.

A drive to Jurong Hill, to the place my dad used to bring me for Japanese dinner, as I recounted stories of my very first Japanese meal I could recall.

I must have been 4 or 5 back then. I remember my first attempt at cold noodles, and what an exclusive event that was.

The entire Jurong was not what I thought it to be.

And the main adventure of the night, was…. FEAR FACTOR!

Well, at least for me.

Friends know how much I am fearful of… DEAD FISHES, and how I get nauseous seeing them, and my palms get all sweaty and such.

Somehow witnessing a pet ariwona died when I was a young girl proved to be traumatic.

So after going through all the checks and all, which prompted the guard to say, “First time here huh?” to my enthusiasm.

I chirped a saccharine “Yup!” before skipping to the entrance.

Jurong Fishery, here I am.

The smell hit me first and I started breathing through my mouth, somehow, it is not unlike how people head to cemetery for the thrill, some kind of morbid curiousity.

I walked to the dock, and saw the many fishing boats, some really state-of-the-art, some just… classically worn.

Many men were sleeping around on the floor, or any where they can find, whilst many others were already preparing for business to be started at 2am. Nearby, there was a tentage of getai for the occupants of the building.

It was a world of its own.

I just walked around on the breadth of it, not wanting to venture in on the “walk of faith”. I browsed prawns and crayfish, totally intrigued by the business here, and of course looking totally out of place in a halter and jeans.

I saw only 3 other females there, who all worked at the place.

Left empty handed, but not before I took the walk of faith, as if like watching a horror movie, and keeping my head straight, squealing and eee-ing like annoying females should be.

When at the carpark, they were putting this BIG fish on the floor and I was so curious that I decided to look, though I felt a bit nauseous, I decided to be brave and made a conversation with the uncle.

I was thinking of buying  a fish for Minibean’s porridge, but I probably wouldn’t dare to hold it.

And then, venturing on.

***

I remember when I was in kindergarten, I would have came out tops if not for the fact that I was shuttering between JB and Singapore so often that my attendance was compromise.

Once, the incentive for the one who topped the class, was a trip to a nearby swim park, which was probably THE swim park back then.

I have always wanted to go to the swim park.

The teacher eventually got me to go as well, but because of the 60 day visa rule, I couldn’t.

I cried, and I begged and I insisted.

My parents relented and I remember on the day, I took a camera and snapped a picture of my dad crossing his arms and smiling at me.

I found the place yesterday.

It was no longer what it was, but had became a small fishing/prawning village, still buzzing with life at 2am in the morning.

It was… very comforting when I realised where it had been.

And then it was a great experience at the village.

I didn’t Tang dynasty had been demolished. I had assumed it was just abandoned like it always was.

I was almost burned out from the week, and with uncertainty looming, it was as good as the Friday could get.

Oh, in the midst of stress last night, I had almost forgotten that what was triggered by my purchase impulse is here?!?!

I shall go get it today.

Whoooooooppppppppeeeee Doooo! Yippieeee yay!

iLike!

Now there is a button to like the entry, just like how you like a facebook status!

Quite redundant, but, since I am a big-fan of Like button in facebook, here it is :)

Oooo… I liiiikkkkeee.

Wheeeee!

Edit: Bummer, it doesn’t seem to work, laughs. So the tech-idiot in me is still trying to figure it all out. Bah.

City of Lakes – Day 1

I have a hard time concentrating and staying awake this morning for yet another day of early, full-day meeting.

The aching in the body is definitely NOT helping.

I downed 4 pieces of Snickers/Toblerone mini, after 3 pieces of kaya/butter toast, hoping that I have some kind of sugar high to keep me going.

They did a miraculous job though I suspect one stick of cancer culprit did help.

***

Finally, I am gonna start (by right, I should be posting it in its entirety, but I sure delay until moo moo comes home) on the recap on Hanoi trip.

It was good to be on such a chilled work trip, which left plenty of fresh memories to last me for a long, long while.

It was a busy morning when I took a cab ride that cost more than 40 bucks to the airport (SERIOUSLY?!), and met up with the rest of the colleagues there.

Shopped around for 2 bottles of red wine each, and we ended up looking like a alcohol smuggling syndicate with enough alcohol to drown Sentosa.

The flight was only enough for me to watch one and half movie, and thankfully I didn’t get bored with Krisflyer’s help, before I entered a world nothing like I had ever been before.

***

Hanoi is quaintly beautiful, there is still an air of innocence about it, but it was just scorching hot during the days when we were there.

The only fortunate thing was we weren’t trapped in the flood due to the heavy rain storms the day before I reached, and the day after I left.

The rice field made me feel like walking around it barefooted, though I didn’t have the chance to do it.

I made a comment how some of the structures reminded me of the quieter part of Russia.

On the way, we passed by the Red River, flanked by tiny small houses, and it was a picture of exotica.
Couldn’t wait to get to the hotel, and it surely didn’t disappoint, as we resided on one of the lakes in the famed city of lakes.

(The picture of the hotel’s view in the centre, the guy with the piggies and us eating are courtesy of Ian Tan)

The hotel is really cosy, and there were woven baskets on the lake which made us wonder if we could row ourselves in them, but decided I probably couldn’t balance.

The massage pavilion was luxuriously pretty, though I couldn’t part with the money to splurge on a well-needed massage.

Upon arrival, we were greeted by the welcome team, and we checked into our room which comes with an attached balcony that opened up to a picturesque Westlake.

We got changed, and it was exploration time around Hanoi city centre.

***

One thing about Hanoi is, the traffic is infinitely intimidating.

And the honking NEVER stops. It is almost like a traffic offense if you don’t! It would still ring in your ears the moment you get away from the noise pollution, and I am just glad our hotel was tucked nicely away from all the buzz, and was very resort-ish with a nice pool that we couldn’t wait to dive into for a fulfilling dip.

We were almost wondering if there were any traffic lights in Hanoi, and we excitedly pointed out one when we finally saw one.

And I even saw a shop called “Scarlett – The Stylish Mum“, ahem, what a shameless plug!

Our first stop was Dong Xuan Market, but being a non-shoppy person, I walked away empty-handed, and was having a free sauna treat by the burning Hanoi weather, to the extend I had to bun up my hair with a pen I found in my bag. It also made the trip to Hanoi make-up redundant, laughs.

We walked for the longest time, with 2 NS-trained men leading us the wrong ways, before we got to Hoan Kiem Lake.

We took a cab to an air-conditioned mall to buy slippers/shorts, after being told the sneakers and jeans we brought were a tad too “formal” for the ballroom meeting sessions. Though surprised, but gee, absolute good news man!

Finally had a nice dinner with some of the others joining us, and we couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel for a nice, long shower to rinse the stickiness.

It was breezy, and absolutely cooling in the peaceful night of Hanoi (picture courtesy of Ian Tan again!), and the moon was beautiful.

Finally got into the showers, love the bathroom, though Marina Mandarin’s in KL still rocks.

I hid in the room and did a bit of work, surfed a little, and just stared into the far distance, lit by the night light, and its reflection dancing in the lake.

That was just before, the heavy downpour came as suddenly as it went.

Long

Some things are better off long, but today’s meeting is not one of them. Nonetheless, it has been a good meeting thus far, and all’s good :)

My neck and back are already aching from the light exercises given to me, and I was heaving and panting from them when I had written them off, thinking “OH SO SIMPLE!“.

Tsk tsk. When I woke up with the aches… I realise age really did catch up with me. Signs of “growing up” – sniggers. Maybe, just a little wiser.

Have to keep up with the perseverance of this, since this is one of the areas I have really wanted to fix.

***

I sprinted to the lift after being caught in heavy traffic today, and nothing much for the day, though I just, really, really want to head home to read, and write, after a long, good, relaxing shower.

I think the kitchen should be done by today, or latest, tomorrow.

Counting down to dinner time (we had lunch around the conference table cos time is tight for the 8am – 6pm meeting), though I doubt I would have the energy to sustain the karaoke session thereafter.

Had to do a report and I was seriously contemplating typing it in wordpress cos I am a tad mentally constipated at the moment.

But so ironic! The moment I started this post, not knowing what to write, I ended up typing so much bullshit.

Oh oh! Today I came to work wearing my cardigan inside out, buttons inside and tag and seams on the outside.

I didn’t even realise it until 2 hours later (!!!).

There is one real bummer though. Having something on each week of September means my honeymoon with Miss Jeles C can’t take place anytime soon.

Okay, will add more if I am going to get bored-er.

Dinner

Got home straight from work after multiple meetings today.

Minibean then followed me into my room, while my mum took the chance to take a breather and head out for dinner.

It was almost 8 plus when she got back with claypot rice, taro paste, and tangyuan with peanut soup.

She lured Minibean into the room with the cheese bread, so I could have some personal space to finish my dinner.

When I tried to peek into the desserts bag, I asked what it was.

Taro paste, and tangyuan, she said.

Oh, nice, I want to try the taro paste, and yay, tangyuan.

Then she continued, “cos you like the tangyuan, right?

I felt all warm and fuzzy. Got all teary.

And then, I know, it is moments like this, that stopped me from doing the absolute.

***

So I had the claypot rice. Half of the taro paste, and half of the tangyuan.

Now, I am gonna have an entire Aston’s chicken burger to myself.

Burp.

By the way, which one of you have been searching for “joewei taking a dump“, “scarlett ting taking a dump“? I really don’t know why you need the information for, but you can drop me an email for me to … er, update you whatever you are missing out. Hohoho.

***

Coincidentally, this morning, I thought of some of the plushies I used to have, and there is this really ugly pink Power Ranger toy, which I supposed is a “pirated” version. I remember she saw it at an amusement fair near our place, and then she played a game just to get it… for me, or so I would like to think so.

It was ugly, I thought back then, but it was one toy I never want to throw away, just like my first Barbie doll.

***

When I got back today, the construction work was still going on, and I walked in to see that she was crying cos she was scolded for being naughty.

The moment she saw me, she crawled towards my arms, and I lie her down on my chest as I sat on the couch. She leaned her tiny body on my chest and drew close , manja-ing. She was just hiding, looking so pitiful as I cradled her and wiped her tears away.

I took a flower and amused her.

It was only minutes before she sprung up smiling with tear streaks and back to her mischievous ways.

After showering, I lay in bed today and did some reading, and Minibean placed her head on my shoulder and pulled a Jeffrey Archer book and pretended to read.

Oh did I mention I bought SEVEN more books today?! And then I kicked myself for not buying No country for Old Men.

She was quiet throughout and it was as if she really knew what she was reading as she just snuggled up next to me, and we made small conversations that didn’t make sense.

She shifted around and put her head on my chest, my tummy, occasionally bugging me to make her milk, and then later, requested for some water.

There was this part as we just sitting together and I was reading, she suddenly sat up, kissed me on my cheeks and then said chirpily, “I WUFFF YOU..” (she still can’t pronounce L very well).

There was this part she made me angry when she threw something into my glass of water and I kept very quiet, she sprung onto the bed and then threw her arm round my neck and lean her head on my back from behind, just like how I would piggyback her, just that she is doing it like a hug.

There was this part I said I wanna nap for a little while cos I was incredibly tired, and I manja-ed her back, baby-voiced and all “Why you never sayang me oneeeee…” and she started stroking my arm.. she then whispered a low, “Sayang...”

She then insisted on pulling my spectacles from my face, so that I could rest.

I had wanted to blog about the amazing things she had been doing, but the list has grown so long and is drafted somewhere.

Busy week ahead, hope to have a lil more me-time for myself.

***

It may just be something so unrealistic thought out by us in our moments of boredom, but it is good to dream again, isn’t it?

When we are old maids, and have wrinkly nehs (can’t be saggy cos we no have), I think we can be proud to say that, at least, we had the courage to dream.

And how very big, it was.

Lovingly, your sleepy armpit.

Apples and hearts

Was so incredibly tired this morning when I woke up to the preparation works to a week of minor rejuvenation works to the kitchen, and converting the bathtub in my parents’ room to a shower cubicle, cos it has became increasingly inconvenient for Dad to shower in the tub as he is getting on age.

Age does not so pleasant things to you, and though you feel a little achy to look at him conceding that he is into a late phase in his life, it is just a relief to see him dealing with it with ample strength and with barely any hint of denial.

I dozed off in all my cab rides today and it was meeting after meeting today, before I made another trip to SIM again.

The day finally concluded when I finally found the perfect remedy after dumping my uber cute chiropractor after finding the almost $6000 upfront payment a little hard to swallow.

I found a physiotherapist who found the time, the patience, the expertise to make me feel at ease with the consultation and recommendations, and of course doesn’t made me spit my tongue out at the exorbitant “chop people put fire” pricings.

It is just the beginning of the sessions, but as I heal along, I will perhaps share my experience and have a more detailed write up about it, and for any physio needs in the future, you guys might want to consider her marvellous service! Ask me! Ask me!

***

Had dinner with a lovely, lovely couple who had tried their best to put me at ease. I realise I still do feel slightly socially inapt. It was almost hard for me to feel fit in. But they are really one of the sweetest couples I ever came across.

The Japanese food stall was fabulous!

Thank you, Yi Lin & Jeremy :)

***

Boooooooooks!

I mentioned how I bought many $5 books from the roadshow at SIM, and here are some of my loots!

Everything at $5!

I ended up returning today and got myself 3 more books cos that was all the cash I had on me. I had selected many, but could only lug 3 with me. Bah.

The thing is, I don’t even have the time to read these days, and my reading debt is growing as much as my writing debt.

A friend asked me why don’t I get an e-book reader instead, but I really like books in physical form. I always say the very essential thing for me to have in my own home next time, will be a book shelf and a comfortable, lazing/reading corner, which will oversea the nightview out there.

Now I just have to make do with a small shelf next to my door… and I am thinking I can pass all down to Minibean in the future!

***

And this, is Zhi Yu. :)

Shadow is a lil weird, but I was just happy to see her again after all these years, and the moment of the chanced meeting was truly, classic.

And that’s the new hair I gotten on Wednesday, after telling the stylist, just do anything to it and surprise me. I think I am so bored with it that nothing truly surprises me cos I had bangs already.. though not with curls. But at least, something different and I kinda like it when the bangs are not blocking my vision.

***

Oh oh!

On Wednesday, I read about this cute tote from Bagaholicboy’s blog, and I thought how cute it is! Of course, being the absolute cheapo I am, I was thinking that this would be a perfect light-weight shopping bag, and one that would do a brilliant job of carrying those nappies, milk bottles, and the likes.

It comes FREE with the purchase of the magazine, which costs $27.50. Of course, I have yet to even flip through it.

I called up Takashimaya branch, it was sold out, I called up Liang Court, and it too, was sold out.

I called up Bugis branch, and they put me on hold while they checked….

… *awaits with bated breath*

THEY HAVE ONE LAST PIECE LEFT! What are the chances?

I reserved it and went down to collect on my way to SMU for a meeting.

The lady before me, who is carrying a Longchamp bag, had kindly offered me her Kinokuniya card, and it only costs me $22!

She is so nice can?! That day really made me feel like so thrilled, and like got good karma like that :)

Then I secretly felt immensely guilty for poking fun at people with Longchamp bags (I AM SORRRRRRRYYYYY!!! DON’T STONE ME!!!). Woops.

Here it is! Like a mini-reveal.

Couldn’t wait to actually unwrap it in the cab so I could dump all my excess stuff into it.

Japanese has a knack for making things look so pretty! I would have made it look like a wet market bag!

And..

.. the box it came in!

It is just such a cheery bag.

I went for my hair cut after work and the lady at the reception asked me how much did I pay for my bag cos she finds it really cute and that she really likes it.

22 bucks!

Got myself some lurveee and apples!

***

The Marc Jacob bag has another fan.

Some sugary pictures are coming up, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Got back from work last night with her running to the hall and happily lugging my bag along.

But that didn’t seem to be enough for her before she dug out this….

… and kept her balance on the chilli heels!

Pardon the PJs, but that’s what my mum dressed her in. Tsk tsk.

***

She squashed my nose when I wanna kiss her. Giggles.

Trying to cut away the clutter at the back, with bloated tummy from the gastro orgasm of seafood last night!

One act cute, another act blur.

Both acting cute :)

She looked up to me and asked, “Can I sleep with you tonight, Mama?  I want to sleep together with Mama.

How sweet is that?

And that, really, made my night.

Gastro orgasm

Gastro orgasm.

*Burp*

What a day.

***

Reunion with someone from so many years ago, someone whose life was one I had one day followed on the papers, and my heart went all out to her, and.. when I finally saw her, our eyes met before I launched into a loud “Oh MY GOD!”

She stared at me at a good few seconds longer, before her smile of politeness became one of acknowledgement.

There isn’t much people from the past that would make me want to immediately pull them into my embrace, but she was definitely such.

I was just so glad to find her again after all these years.

We caught up. I teared. We aged. We perhaps are looking at the same direction right now to establish something for ourselves and everything is secondary.

It is an learning opportunity, and I filtered things for myself that I hope to take the positive and cast out the negative, just like the way she did.

It is just like this event, a chance to network, and establishing relationships with people from different trades, different industry.

Sometimes, we have to humble ourselves before we can reap and open up the minds for the endless possibilities out there.

People judge too soon, and maybe that’s why the circle they drew for themselves and lock themselves in, is one they wouldn’t, not couldn’t, come out from.

I can’t control what people want to say, but I can control who I have around me, she said. She held my hand very tight when we parted after we sat down at the lounge area.

How do you catch up 12 years of parting, loss, heartaches, crises.

And then you realise, it is not the juvenile shit people talk about.

The ironic thing is, as I chanted about sensitivity yesterday and how walking away is the polite thing to do, I totally forgotten about sensitivity as I went on about what she had missed out in my life, when I touched on a topic that was potentially painful for her.

I hope she doesn’t read this, cos it might be painful, but at the same time, I admire her strength. She is someone who touched me greatly.

Cancer, single-motherhood, social stigma, suicide, loss, hope.

I will never forget the day when I read the papers and saw her a picture of devastation and I cried in disbelief, when her mother was bugged so much by what people say, how people judged, that she ended her life on the MRT tracks to prove her innocence.

And her mother, I remember, was one of the coolest, and sweetest mothers of my friends.

It took just one moment of rashness. One moment of hopelessness. One moment.

***

I think that’s the reason why I love trade shows. Started from one. The first one. The Starhub one. The one chance I will never thank enough for an once-friend.

Then, the GP one, for another once-friend.

This time, I helped out at SBB(yes, THAT one, I can almost see the disappointment with me/scorns on your faces, depending on who you are)’s company, and I would say what I bartered for is pretty worth it.

The other day, a friend of mine asked me what it could potentially mean, and I told her I kinda knew what was going to happen, but it was going to be inevitable. Will it affect me? I knew what was coming, and what else can I do even if so?

It sounds cliche… but clear conscience? I say I have, if you don’t like me, you naturally wanna find an excuse to not like me and would rather think otherwise. If you started reading my blog not liking me, or gradually started to grow intense dislike for me, ah hah! I have all the fodder you need now, right? Like strike 4D!

But with that mental preparation was what made things good, cos indifference, can be a good thing, and what everyone is trying to strive towards, isn’t it? Like someone wise (ahem ahem, yours truly) once said, time is the essence for indifference.

Seriously I tell you I ain’t affected, you also think I bullshit you, but then the myriads of emotion were came quick and swift, then it became almost nothing (now you know what the previous post is about) and sometimes you feel affected cos you assume you will feel affected. Then you start asking yourself, “Eh, aren’t I supposed to feel affected?” Then when you don’t, you start to wonder where it is, then you start to wonder do I, do I not? Is it there? Then why cannot find it?  Then you like search for it and questioned if you are doing such a good job fooling yourself as well. The element of disbelief. Not unlike when you have been waiting for you sex change op for the longest time, and when you finally do it, you wake up to make sure your kkj is no more, and you wonder if it could be so fast and easy, and the accomplishment of it all.

I did feel affected briefly, like how people who go through traumatic event of being bitten and then there is a reminder (eh, like how I choked on fishball, I will be extra cautious about fishball and its choking potential) but nothing personal or the extreme way you or me would think it would be. Then you just concede this gotta happen someday (ahem, like a certain house party…) , and you are just heave a sigh of relief that there was no bitterness.

And like I said last night to Clar, that it was actually a great relief (though maybe I think too much about the need of sensitivity or else to be misunderstood of being doing things on purpose), and then the understanding of why and how it was a much needed closure for everyone.

Though sometimes, you can’t control how you life is a show for others who are interested.

***

A question a friend recently went through heartache gave me a choice, “Bitterness or hurt?

I say I wonder if I would wish to hang on to more bitterness to speed the healing, to kill off everything. I feel… safer that way. But very hard to brew and then try to fuel it to keep up with it.

And the former is a choice.

Forgiveness could perhaps come easy, but maybe it is a choice we want to fight, cos that’s how defence mechanism work, isn’t it? So complicated and complex. Tsk!

I guess it is good that I don’t need to pretend I am often angry with myself the most. I am strangely emotive sometimes, and that is often quite an open-book to read that those who leave hostile messages were quick to identify and know the vital points to hit, and I almost am the one who hands the ammunition to those who dealt low blows.

You may not understand, you may not agree, you may be frustrated, you may assume, you may be disappointed (yes, you, I miss you), you could feel pain for me.. but I really just wanna find the openness, again and not care who is reading, and fuck sensitivity and fuck self-protection (haha, I say only, I am the laziest bitch to crawl out of comfort zone to be out in the open these days).

Like. I cry, I laugh, I falter, I fume, I bitch, I burp, I pluck my armpit hair the way I do them best.

And it is very therapeutic!

I am not trying to win (unless in 4D, Mahjong, Casino and Toto!), cos I am well aware this isn’t a game and I don’t like to compete, nor do I wanna ra-ra to the point just to convince anyone anything, but it has became something I truly do not want to think about.

Escapism, denial, anything, or just sheer money-making crazy and busy to be thinking deep.

There too, is nothing to brag (unless I get a Longchamp bag, sorry, sorry, inside joke!), nothing to hide (some readers who emailed me had gotten honest answers from me), though sometimes, the more you say, or the less you say, get you into the same trouble.

Like the above, it could cover various areas, and depending on who you are, and what you want to read, you get different perspective of what it really, really means.

This post is getting me there, methinks. :)

***

The funniest thing happened when I approached a chap to ask him for help, when I saw his name tag, I was like, “Oh gosh. You are the only stranger on my facebook.

Someone who mis-added me and I mis-added him thinking he is a friend.

And what a strange way to meet.

So shy!

Of course, there are many funny shyshy moments….

***

I met a Malaysian girl who couldn’t speak much English and we conversed mainly in Mandarin.

It was an interesting chanced encounter, and somehow her down-to-earthness struck me and you know how you can randomly meet someone, and it just… I don’t know, you just wanna protect her kind? She was uncertain, and a lil insecure.

We didn’t talk anything personal, we just spoke of opinions and topics we aren’t even sure of.

Before she went off, her eyes lit up and said, “You know, it is very interesting talking to you.. and I look forward seeing you again

It is not sexual attraction, alright? It was just.. like we both found a safe place to feel kinda belonged, kinda relaxed and just, relate.

I didn’t even get her name.

All things, I believe, happen for a reason.

***

It was a chilly night, and I was dozing off at the table while the guys attacked the crabs.

Do you know the smallest Australian King crab weighs at least 3 kg and it would cost $400-500 for one?!

***

The biggest surprise and nicest thing is when I got home and the little thing ran into my arms.

Though the not-so-good news is Dad is having an infection from his previous surgery (yes, been a blardy long time, I know), but it was such a pleasant night to just talk to him and us sharing sweet little tidbits of the little one that made us laugh. I felt a sudden urge to hug him and just tell him how much I love him and how grateful I am to him.

Even when speaking to Mum, I managed to make her laugh.

Minibean kept kissing me, and then insisted on putting on the red heels and picking up my bag to parade around the hall.

And no, I still can’t find it within me to say yes though I have too much of a problem saying no.

Boom!

I am hearing the thunder out there and despite it will probably hinder me from drying my laundry I just did after a long day, I like this kind of rainy day.

I survived today! Surprisingly that I did, though in the morning all the emergency phone calls nearly made me have to find a contigency plan.

But! Everything went well, and I coped better than I thought I did.

On the heels, I was able to survive on the Salonpas on my lower back.

Speaking to strangers, somehow, more at ease with myself. No pressure.

Co-ordinating something else happening elsewhere, no sweat.

Overcoming weaknesses, I will give myself a A plus despite initial hiccups. Sometimes maybe you have to expect the unexpected and be prepared for the worst, to make yourself realise how ready you are, and there really, is, nothing much for you to feel uncertain, after you have overestimated the effect things have on you.

Such a strange, strange day.

***

It is a long day at InvestFair today, and met one of the vendors I was interested to tie-up with for an upcoming project was there, and we started joking and bantering about certain things, before another lady joined in for the conversation. We then realised we have common friends and we spoke about my primary school ex-classmates who is her colleague.

I also bumped into my ex-schoolmate, who was from the same college from me in UK!

An ex-colleague from Manulife.

Uma was doing some coverage there as well, and plenty of pleasant people at the fair.

Too busy to take pictures today though. Will make up for it somehow.

I got myself new lenses cos my eyes are too dry from the previous brand and it is a VAST improvement from the previous brand though I expected this to be dryer.

I finally got my first meal at 10pm. As usual, fried, greasy, comfort food.

Yum!

Too tired to continue, another early day tomorrow. Thank God it is sporty tomorrow, and off go sashaying in heels and corporate wear!

Goooooooooodddnight, and time to give my chowchow some TLC, and enjoy the rain tonight. By the time I finish tomorrow, it will be Monday ambushing me, so, an early night it shall be then.

Note: WHY AH? TWITTER AND FACEBOOK BOTH CANNOT POST MESSAGE. Grrrr!

Bookworm

Did anyone realise I cannot count?!

I just realise my maths fail! I had $4.15 cents with me, and I needed to pay $5.35 cents. So that’s $1.20.

But why did I keep thinking I had $3.15 on me? So silly.

***

Too busy/too tired to blog.

Have to wake up early on weekend is so NOT fun, but for the dough, especially in such times, is something I shouldn’t be complaining.

Now my blog debt includes:

1) Peining’s wedding

2) Hanoi trip

3) Minibean’s post

4) My PMS cravings (I actually made a list when I was hungry and sulky!)

I was hungry yesterday and after a long, long day, and went to one of the places that used to serve my PMS cravings. Alas, they changed chef. Boohoo. I had foie gras for starters but had to make do with a main course that was substandard.

I got home and finished my bacon bak gwa, and dug the fridge for SINS chocolate while watching Nanny, and finally got to sleep after that. I am suspecting I am about to get bacon off my body some time soon.

It was a long, long day. I was almost wondering if I could pull through.

***

Oh oh! If you love books as much as, or more than I do, Popular is having a mini roadshow at SIM from today onwards till next Friday (Sunday closed).

All the brand new bestseller titles are going at $5 ONLY!

There are kiddy books that are amazingly cute and cost the same.

There are many titles that I saw that are really new, like The White Tiger, and the classics like Jane Austens, and popular authors like Dan Brown, Haruki Murakami, Jeffrey Archer, John Grisham, Jodi Picoult, Nora Roberts and many more, and even the bigass, large-sized books are going at $5 only!

I fisted my chest when I saw my Catch 22 and Piano Teacher, and at least 10 books that I had bought at retail price in the past couple of years. Heartpain man!

I lugged back 8 books cos that’s all I could afford to pay cash for yesterday, and that was only after waiting for them to unpack half of what are gonna be displayed.

It was an evening of easy conversation, surprisingly.

I spoke of my friends, and the traits of them I so adore, but somehow.. how I often grow fearful.

Fear is something I have to let go.

I have till year end to start building on my confidence. Sometimes it is strange, you think you can do it, yet when serious self-doubt seeps in, you just feel you want to give up and don’t want to pull through anymore.

Oh. And I told Claris it is strange how we knew each other for almost 7 years, but we only met briefly at a trade show I worked at, and spoke on the phone less than 5 times, and I believe all 5 times were during some kind of crisis in our lives.

Strange ah.

Okay, work time. Byebye.