Of course, the post gathered a reaction, and it didn’t come as a surprise. But the calmness was one I surprised myself. The more I typed, the more peace there seems to be. Sometimes I don’t understand myself. Hmmm. You know some people reason, some people rant. Reasoning to someone who rants and resort to name callings(well for someone who actually once called to spew expletives because her name was mentioned in a post she couldn’t read nor even knew what was in it, simply cos she caught a glimpse of a tag board message, this sound be well seen coming), sometime just doesn’t quite find the frequency, does it?

So. It might not get published, and obviously no one is bothered anymore, but these couple of months taught me something well, having a record to cover my ass is always a good thing to have. Sometimes I wanna just go full on offensive and start questioning everything and go full on dirt-dishing, instead of defensive, and I think it will really be a good, liberating experience to suddenly attack everyone whom you wanna have a word against. Seriously.

Like questioning the “friend” who changed names to his contact number just to say something about what I did. Just to find out why? Or the endless I had heard about him.

-Blarblarblar-

Or even just to rant at my mum and say… -sorry if I have to type everything I will probably take 10 hours to do so-.

And to tell someone how ugly his/her baby is because it really is and I cannot mutter.. “oh so cute” without lying so I didn’t say anything. But it is a factual statement and I know of many ugly babies who turn out really beautiful when they into their wrinkly skin.

And I wanna know how I really feel without bottling up or showing people I can do it. But I have sealed it up until I need to search for it again.

I wanna just sit on the floor and kick my legs and whined, “I SUCK AT SALES!!!!” in front of my boss.

And I wanna tell someone about something I did about giggles, I so shouldn’t have but I already did but then I shouldn’t have but I always do… but you know. And that he should haha stop being… hahahaha… okay nevermind.

I wanna tell my BFF she is the BFF.

But then, this is just the very “Ally McBeal” kinda imagination that goes on in the head, sometimes.

Maybe I just wanna have the last word, so here was my reply which she probably wouldn’t publish and would say something snide about. -Shrugs- Hey, for the record you know? In case she said I left comment and call her names and… it never get printed and people say things about it.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone can really compartmentalise like my mind does, and truly understand the bits and pieces..

Maybe I am just the deluded-est of all. But as much as I know how it frustrates my friends sometimes, I know they are always there to keep me grounded.

You did wanna question and call, but no one wanna answer that’s all cos all the others ask to ignore. Me and him getting back together or not, just ask anyone that day, and I did say that’s not going to change the fact i am angry with him despite what they tell me.

Have she been manipulated? I cannot speak for her cos I didn’t even speak to her about such.

I don’t have a BFF in the group. Your friend would have told you that. And your friend why never tell you that they have spoken about? If your friend did, then….. hmmm, you wouldn’t have been so quick to point fingers and rant mindlessly like you did in your previous post that pushes everything to us.

And so did what you did had it repurcussions, and your spite. you had to choice to let it go when it happened, cos apparently it is work related why people are annoyed and not because of this incident that no one bothered to bring up.

For me, all I want is address what you say. Cos like you said, whatever lah, cos I choose to address what you say about me, and if I wanna drag up things about such about you perhaps thats really a lot to say of what i have heard and seen …. i could have done so and it would become very much no end cos you would think is character assassination and all, this will be no end, and no point arguing about that.

i have heard things too, but i decided not to ask you when u stopped messaging me, and it was written off. i have said it very right from the beginning that it is not healthy too, and if you wanna be someone casually talking about something else, sure, but the topic always trend back to someone, which obviously needs to move on from.

Sensitivity is subjective, and I did mention to someone (i dun tink is the bff you think i have) when he asked me to and I told him it is not very nice) and he said, “if you guys have really moved on, why does it matter and your world revolves around someone and think about what other people think? there is nothing wrong and not about her what”. Same thing, if they wanna add me on facebook and post the pic and tag me, i did think about it, I was uncomfortable about it and spoke to someone and he asked if I wanna ask them to take the picture down. But then nothing to hide, and someone said it is just a casual meet up and it was nothing personal don’t need to read into it, which i agreed. part of moving on, no?

to me he lied. he said i was nothing like u always mentioned, so to me, i accepted that. i already said it hurts you, it hurts me. i never discounted that.

I never did wanna be a “friend” that sunday. apologise, yes, and in my words, “well i guess a closure on a good note”. u know very well what happened that sunday. i wanna know the truth and of cos you telling me which guys i can consider.. at least not hostile. i can say what i did and what i didnt do, but i did ask a couple of friends who rent plces and to me, that day was i found the peace to move on, and there was nothing personal to u anymore. subsequently, all i find it strange is how u can lie thru ur teeth for him(not that i don’t understand why) but i don’t understand why when you know you are lying, you can well make use of the situation and sarcastic and calling people names about it when you know you are guilty of lying. i can call you many other names, and stoop to what you said before you found things out, i can brand you too, but what’s the point?

u know something, u could very well gotten what you want all along if u had came clean that sunday before lying on the phone and met up with him.

because that week was the week i truly did let go and told him i don’t want to work out with him anymore cos he was obviously lying and i jus wanna be freed. and thats why eventually he came clean with the truth(sibei brief though nahbeh), begging, the posts, and drama that dragged on till today.

and the thing is, u know the timeline well. i thought you were nice over the phone call. i feel bad for u, yes, angry for you yes. collateral damage back then, yes, and reacting to what he said, maybe, and cos what i have seen, yeah. i never did deny i ask him to tell you boss (the truth is, you guys were still sleeping together anyway after putting up such an act, so should i say anything about you pretending all so sincere and nice too and then turn around to be someone else with all the name callings which not necessarily contributed by what he had said about me? what end will that be?), and i have been upfront about it, mentioned it on my own blog a few times and even on your blog comments and i said why. if i do, i did it, i will admit it. i go berserk, i am not ashamed to be judged. i am just like that. i don’t need to paint a good picture of myself for who needs to think what of me, but i will respond when i feel i have to put record straight. other things, you do not address openly but i have heard, i ain’t gonna touch on, until of cos, someone flips the coin, and i say my side.

but he never did, which i wasn’t surprised. You did the honors eventually when you were angry with him or perhaps me(if it was me, then too bad that bugger is collateral damage), good for you to be same league as me? but anger has its control and that’s not for me to judge.

And of cos, it doesn’t help with him saying you were pestering him, and he wanna prove to me… quoting his exact words, “I will do anything to prove to you how much you mean to me, even if it means hurting her, cos she meant nothing.” but is there really such a need to mention such things now?

If you want to see a bigger, fuller picture, you might not be trapped in all these circles. yes it did took me 2 months to learn, feb – april. but one of the greatest lessons ever learnt. and this circle now is not one i wanna be trapped in.

and you being you, and all these episodes, i never did think you would keep quiet and be “submissive”, i remained cordial after whatever I have known you have said and done (which you could also say some of the “nonsense” from you, if you wanna term it that way) and i was asked to be cautious ard you, only cos the backlash will come to me sooner or later, which i honestly told my friends about.

yes enough is enough, so it is out in the open and no need to really take me as a friend when you perhaps find it was more situational and circumstantial than anything else. does it got to do with brian? the starting of the “friendship”, yes, the demise of it, definite no.

the thing is, for me is, i do feel neutral towards people after a while, like that sunday when i called u, and I look back and wonder why all the blarblarblar and all happen during a phase of my life. i have clash with people due to diff opinions or misunderstandings and became real good friends. and maybe in a week or two, i hope i won’t even need to recall what you have said or done or what all these are about anymore. some just are too different to be friends, and some people just don’t have what some people look for in friends. that’s the simple truth in life. i just dun want friends i have to always guard myself around, or wonder about hidden intention and have to pretend to close a blind eye to it. and one who constantly puts others down to make herself look better and appear the winner.. and wanting to win in all sense of words.

it you think everything is about you and everyone is your enemy, then you are just gonna be having a phantom battle when every one is just being nonchalant about it and not in it with you. if u wanna be in it, at least know why u are in it the first place. eh, as in, strange analogy it might sound… don’t fight the french army when you don’t realise it is just the british troop retaliating to your attack.

this message might not even get approved, but at least if you read it, then fine. of cos it will be whatever-ed by you and you will still go fighting the world that wasn’t against you to begin with.

Qoo: if you are not comfortable with meeting people, you just don’t do it. The times she wanna meet me, I can remember when – 2 mths ago, the very next day when we found the truth, and i decided not to after my friends told me it isn’t a good idea.

You cry, you haven’t got sleep, and you are next to someone you are nothing to, you don’t want to be out in public, you don’t know how much emotional destruction it gonna bring both of you.. not awkward?

back then i wanna hide, gradually i came out of hiding and did stuff and move on (well even my gradual postings showed my feeble attempt to have a social life)

there might be many reasons why i was there. sometimes some things i need to see and hear for myself.

there is no right or wrong, cos like i said, it is always catch 22. it is jus perception and all cos there are many things left unsaid, and people will never get the full picture if people just rant endlessly and not say the full picture. i try to be as factual as possible or whatever was the fact was presented to me. self righteous or what… i guess it is more for myself, cos no matter what i say, u will still think this way of me, and there might be few who sees my side of coin(though not much people are interested in this saga except for wanting to watch show and not caring for either party, what for?).

Woops too long have to cut into parts.

(I was right. So okay. Okay post opened up cos the reply was hilarious. I left many messages(when I had I cut into parts?). Okay. Whatever stories that make you look pretty, Missy. If you awaiting the drama to gloat, which part says letting go? Just like those “friends” you mentioned, you were just the part of drama they wanna make use to watch, not because you are important, but cos they never did let go. Oh and your endless MSN messages to them… I am sure you let go pretty well, still go on bitching about it endlessly, and if they are doing this to you to just stir things, “close or not” you decide. The friends of yours I cannot explain. But some who were close, told of why it was eventually not so. And taking things out of context is always what you like to do, and since I can’t be bothered to go into details, but someone who knows you told me, “This is just a game, and if you want to play it, you can play so much more”. I can, but no point, so I wasn’t surprised so many things you mentioned just projected what you wanna see, people to read. Our last MSN conversations are one that you are start to talk about him, and you did mention you stopped blogging about him and will do so again when you move place. Uhm, okay. Letting go? Told you liao, 2 different matters, but because you can’t see beyond you keep lumping both together. It is your character and your reactions and what you had been trying to do, or what I was warned about. Of course coming from me more tricky cos.. people will tend to think otherwise and you will take out of context to prove otherwise for your own anger. Not because you are one of those he slept with. Someday, you two might just be my distant memories and while you guys might just be kaypoh and wanna gloat about my lives, please remind yourselves then the game is just for you guys to play and I can’t control how my life plays out, and it definitely isn’t playing out exclusively for you through the bads, so don’t feel sensitive about the goods either cos your lives ain’t gonna matter much to mine when I move on. Just like those who are apparently tapping on this drama for their own amusement or bitterness from the past which I ain’t aware or that I have gotten over. People rise and fall, I wish your one will turn out well cos I am not angry towards someone who just can’t see. The goods of my life which if you hear/read in the future about is definitely not a show for you guys, and the bads will definitely not because of you guys. Or else, why do I document them knowing who are reading and there will people who will wanna watch you happy/fall. You can’t keep all of them happy. That’s why I once told you why do you care who you write for? For me, I will just be indifference to your life from now, unless it is something to do with me. I said before, catch 22, no matter what I write, you will take it whichever way you want to fill what your perception wants to. Ok, your life drama because of him, not because of me, or maybe you want part of it. I mean, before you deleted your old posts, you are already name-calling me before I even know of you. -Shrugs- I don’t know I was even dragged into it. If my life always been drama, I am definitely had wished it doesn’t entangle with yours. They happened, okay, I come to terms with it, but I stopped wanting to be a part when you are creating dramas out of others(the baseless allegations and name smearing on others out of practically nothing and your own imagination). Okay enough of a show we put up for others already cos we are just like jokes to them. Byebye! Heh.)