.. That the weekend would be one freed entirely of procrastinating what I set out to do..

Which, of course, did not flesh out the way it was supposed to be.

Spent Friday trotting around in the heat yet again, before I wrapped up the day with a trip to IKEA, since I was in the area.

Have you ever felt how much things you have gotta sort out/take care of when you suddenly decided to quit the standstill, and get on with it?

The bills left unpaid, empty shampoo bottles left unchucked, neglected books which are replaced by new ones that only captured your attention again when you dug them out from various corners…

.. And of course, the toilet seat that was threatening to break.

Didn’t manage to finish my CSI on Friday, cos I dozed off at the 2nd last episode of the season, and had to leave it till Saturday – which of course, I had painstakingly tried to schedule nothing on, so I would stop procrastinating.

I thought I would wake up at 12 noon to start the day, but it was much later in the afternoon when I crawled out of bed when someone unexpected had bizarrely woke me up with a message.

And giggles, I even had a message which came in to say he had found a husband for me. If all goes well, I will become a lady boss of a curry puff joint.

I turned down mahjong, I postponed Da Vinci The Genius, and I plugged in my notebook to do some serious planning (or so I thought).

Wifey, next Saturday I will be free for you.

I didn’t head out (sometimes, we fool themselves that way)… but I realised I had packed my house with so much possibilities (actually, it seriously doesn’t take much when your heart is set to betray you) that… I started making tea, sipping it through the noon, getting myself comfortable (which, I of course, convinced myself I was all out to make myself comfortable, so I could gather my concentration).

And then, there were things that annoy you.

The slowdown in posts can be explained in many various ways, but then I realise none of them is a reason for myself. I once said whatever we write is for ourselves, but we can’t deny how it would sometimes set off a chain of reactions which are not desired.

I do not wish to have whatever written here to be taken as a cue, to be… I don’t know, to be a cause of action, for people to do things they should do “for my best”, when in fact, sometimes all we want, is an outlet, not a reaction. I don’t need heroes/heroines who mess things up further, stirring things are meant to rest (then again, it could be argued that some things will never rest).

Cynics definitely won’t feel that way, and as long as this blog is public, there is nothing for me to stop people thinking otherwise.

So yup, something written here, triggered a reaction. Not one I desired, cos it seriously pissed me off.

Someone attempted to help me get my clothes back, and that act itself, is yet another illustration of someone who has no right to do so, and had done so without using his pea brain to think. Stop acting like a fucking hero behind my back, thank you very much.

And then, the response.

“Eh, you and the scheming bitch go fuck each other and leave rest of the world alone.. after what you’ve both done to me, u still have the cheek to ask me for anything? Mum threw the clothes away. Too bad”

I can’t say I am surprised by the reaction, and I thought hard about it. I could almost say I don’t and neither did I understand what had transpired, but there can be a time when it used to matter, but then you just don’t care and don’t wanna salvage anymore, because… it is easier that way when you realise you don’t matter.

But gee, finally after all these couple of years, I did get a whiff of what is really going through other people’s thoughts. And the irony of I was just asked about it just recently, and I gave a serious, pensive frown, before I shrugged, “You know what, I really don’t know. I can only speculate.”

Maybe something did go wrong. And hey, there were episodes with some others I know I definitely did do wrong when I drove them away with my insistence. On hindsight, if I didn’t, what would have gone on with the “he says, she says, they say?” It really filtered out many things, though I would have found out much more about people I thought I knew, or there would be chances for me to speak up for myself, if I want to.

Maybe I am really the person they say I am, maybe, it is easier to think that I am, so that it is easier for people to get on while spicing up some drama along the way to fit their agenda. Or maybe, there is an easier person to blame as we look for what is lost in our lives, or when people found a common ground factor.

But hey, it is another episode altogether, that happen thereafter.

Whatever it is, for that episode thereafter, for what was said, I don’t know, but (you can say I am deluded or whatever, hand on heart, God above) did I scheme? No. Did I ever scheme in the “friendship” with any of them? No. Not even with the person who should not be my friend. Having said that, in no way am I justifying I wasn’t wrong to do so.

And it is just the same old irony, that people want you to get out of their lives, rarely will leave yours. Call it morbid curiosity, call it closeted obsession, that where there is a chance to p0unce, they will never be too far away, especially when you have your face in the mud.

That was actually one of the factors I thought would stop me from blogging… because you know some people will never leave yours. And then for a good year, I did all I could to just keep a side of my life private, as I will myself to prove them wrong, and I can only get better.

Then, suddenly, there isn’t a need anymore. The dirt came out, and all and all. Have I thought bout who’s reading? Hell ya. Did I care? Probably not. Did I realise people will try to find out more, and find common grounds? Yes. Did I realise the repurcussions, of course, you think, what, I stupid?

But it is always others’ choices. And the choice is obvious because it will always be one made, that will fit whatever you wanna think of me. If you wanna find a reason to blame, or to hate, perhaps really, the “scheming bitch” part will scream out at you like winning Toto number, and you try to dwell on why people wanna call me that, and there must be something terrible I have done and then you go “Ah hah! I knew she IS like that!” and it could justify whatever reasons you wanna loathe me, and you delight in your own tiny victory.

But I thought they would have know me enough that, I am a lose-all person.

If I don’t mention, if I delete comments, people will say I have something to hide, I am guilty. If I mention, people say ra-ra, drama, self-righteous, or gee, spiteful. Then I realise, there is really no 100% crowd-pleaser. And if I say it, it is just for you, whoever you are reading this, be it be someone who reads leisurely, be it be someone who reads as you were part of the story, be it be someone who reads who is concerned… be it be someone just for the show, or just someone from the past who just wanna know how an old friend is doing.. your pre-conceived impression of me will definitely make each post different for you.

But at the end, I am blogging for myself, right? Sometimes I can overcome that, sometimes I can’t. That’s the truth. Today I hadn’t been wanting to write about it, cos…what does it do? What could it potentially do? Then again, heck, my space right? Did it make me think? Yes. Did it affect me? I know my friends will probably smack my head for it, yes, cos if it sounds hypocritical, too bad (then don’t read.. but we know it is not going to happen), but these people did mean a lot to me.

Or maybe, I am still.. *small voice* procrastinating.

***

Gee! Talk about procrastination!

I thought I was hungry, and I cooked. With cooking, comes cleaning up.

After cleaning up and all, Princess diaries was on television, so I ate as I watched, sipping tea, and lazing in the living room with my notebook running in the background.

After that, I got into the room and got myself obsessed with Word Challenge. I was getting my mojo for it, and I fully utilised it with a new high score, and maybe honing my skills up for 6-figure to catch up with Wendy and Wifey.

Then I decided to finish my CSI season, and I finally ran out of excuses since I finished all 3 franchises.

Yeah, right.

I ended up watching one of the best shows ever, Shawshank Redemption since I downloaded it.

Then woops, what do ya know? It was almost 4 in the morning.

Then, wanderlust set in and I made new resolutions over tripadvisor. Venice. Florence. Valley of Kings. New York. Barcelona. Or even a quiet farm stay in rural France…

I was all dreamy and smitten, I tell ya. Damn the time.

Told myself I will wake up early today.

Woops. What do ya know? It was almost 4 when I woke up.

Then did my routine of reading news (halfway through) and wanted to drop a short entry which ended up anything but short.

And oh, I am hungry now.

Maybe I should make myself a cup of tea… some dinner.. and see what’s on television.

Weekends should be like this.

Oh fuck.

What did I say I was supposed to do over this weekend again?