Rainy day, yet again.

What one drama ceases, there are others going on around us, that probably will still go on for quite a while.

As I bask in the relief of how somewhat I found the truths I was seeking, I have been hiding from more self-orchestrated drama and refrained from dwelling more, because, since the dust settled, there is little else left to say.

Of course, it is exactly to avoid what some might think, that I am using others as tools for the drama. Seriously, uhm, if this one kind of drama I would gladly not like to be involved in, thankewverymuch. -inserts PR smile here-

But yet, it is very true that there will definitely be people milking it for all its worth for their own dramas, which I wish to be no part of. Especially those of something which was spun out of nothing. We have went through this couple of years ago, didn’t we?

Then again, you can never please everyone.

You react, people will assume you milking the drama. You don’t react, people will be snide and taunt you for softening. Hello?

Truth is, we know the drill, 2 years down the road and this will yet be another chapter of the forgotten, that is revisited to be laughed at, to be reminisced of how silly we once were.

What’s bad with being finding peace in my own solitude and friends (yes, beside CSIs, food and Word Challenge, I do have some… good ones I might add)?

And even “that side” had chose to leave me alone. No talks about Minibean, no threats, no nothing, though the I was still irked by the occasional emails that came in that went unreplied.

I successfully stuck to my firm NO and fed plenty of silence to requests and SMSes for last week (it is empowering, baybeh), though I must say my angst is still easily stirred, especially by mindgames that are easily identified.

Which translated into a kind request from me to foxtrot oscar, simply cos I didn’t want my peace to be disrupted by hypocritical messages that piss me off.

A red box came in with my favourite snacks, a box of Godiva chocolate, some scones were delivered to door steps, accompanied by a bouquet of lilies and a bear which is tied to a balloon. A box of Tiffany & Co somewhere in the red box, which prompted rolled eyes from me, and the red box was quickly chucked aside since I couldn’t find a wee bit of excitement within me.

I am thinking the assortment of flowers on the mahjong table feels like the grave to my soul. All you need, is just a photo of me.

Roses of various colours, lilies, sunflower which didn’t even warrant a 2nd look, things that are insignificant are just… insignificant even by itself they could be pretty, alas, tainted and uglified.  I feel more dead than ever.

Such disconnection of emotions can be pretty surreal. No rage, no happiness, no whatever. Just indifference.

So what if it was Mother’s Day?

***

The post today… was stirred on by a few(which is quite a lot, I tell ya) drama cases around me, which, all mirrors my own. A couple of switched roles, but their mindsets and mentality.. would probably be something I could relate to.

As my dust settled, other unrest minds out there are just about to open the can of worms hidden from them.

And boy, if you think my wormies are absurdly delicious, then these showed me hey, what I went through seems like the standard scripted storyline….

The extent of cover-ups.. blarblar..

And it is not easy seeing people I care for going through this… and being mindfucked cos they just can’t seem to find the truth they need.

People say “you can’t handle the truth”, but I think for us, it is harder to handle not knowing the truth. The anguish, the mental torment, the neverending doubts…

Did the truth set me free? Absolutely. Did it hurt? Like a bitch. But it didn’t hurt any less when I didn’t know, I just had less power/cause/justification to react.

But because the expectation was set right, the expectation was set low, the numbness sets in faster since I was all ready to go. There were episodes I probably not shouldn’t be proud of (seriously… I think I am still pretty proud of plucking mirrors and showing “Don’t fucking mess with me or else..”) which I wilfully, consciously chose to do so, because I didn’t want to play nice anymore.

You know the difference between “you have to” and “you want to”? Try crying for no reason during PMS, vs ordering the enticing chocolate cake in the display window.

Both falls under you have to, for me that is.

But I am not sure if you get what I mean.

Marking my own importance down was a big step, but I know I have never meant much to anybody, and I had never thought too highly of myself.

So yeap, I can manage that.

But seeing my friends having to do that, or have this imposed on them(or sometimes, shudders, seeing who they are up against. Gasp!), I suddenly realise why it was not easy for my friends to see me going through that.

I don’t know, but eventually, I still think everyone has the rights to know the truth.. if it ever is allowed out.

Sit tight. Cos it ain’t pretty.

You know, just like how the market crash? The million-dollar stock you own, turns to nothing overnight. Things devalue, just like that.

And you wanna ask for it, be nice. But please bear in mind sometimes we have people to protect, we are bonded by loyalty and integrity.. and sometimes we aren’t at the liberty to disclose what concerns others.. unless we are told or authorised to.

And when you don’t get what you want, or when you hear what you don’t want to hear, or what you get is too limited, don’t go snide and sarcastic, because you had asked for it, and you could have gotten a cold response, insults, or totally be ignored if it were other people who wouldn’t give a hoot about giving you basic courtesy.

At the end of it, I don’t think anyone will be the same again.

I definitely am not the same again. Neither do I think you will be.

***

I am surprised about him, and her. And her… and her.. and her…

I am surprised about what he said, and what she said.

I am surprised when they aren’t even my friends to begin with.

But it did put things into perspective. Albeit a pretty sad one (not for me, fortunately).

Though it sends shudders down my spine about people. But it also kinda makes me heave a sigh of relief for… there are people out there who have their eyes wide open.

***

I am not feeling too great today, because of a phone call with Dad.

I gotta do something soon.

Dad will be going for surgery end of this month, and he doesn’t even want to tell Mum.