Been wanting to write, but not knowing what to write.

All I could do is to be hooked to sleeping, clocking more than twelve hours, and playing Word Challenge endlessly, watching CSI Miami(well yay today can go on to New York and Las Vegas), The Nanny(okay, I think I am a fan. Haha!), and whatever that is watchable on television.

You know, just doing things that leave me no space to think?

Everyone pretty much left me alone.

No more tears, no more anger no more rage, no more emotions stirred within… well, at least not for the creep. No love, no affections, and daily delivery of flowers added to the mockery.

Oh sunflower? Isn’t that what you bought in front of my friends the day you swore using my name? Let me think. 27th? The day you slept with someone else 2 days you proposed(actually you proposed so many times I don’t even remember. What can I say? One trick pony lor)?

And oh, like Pots had mentioned

(Speaking of which, we were talking about diamonds last night, and I told him that the rule of thumb is, the diamond should cost at least 3 month’s of the guy’s salary. He gave a big “WAH” and said, ok lah I buy for you now. Ahboh next time when my salary hit like $10k, means must buy $30k diamond for you leh. Now buy at least no need buy so expensive one. So loving.)

So seriously, who wants your cheap ring? Which is absolutely nothing special? The design sucks, the carat sucks, okay fine, colour and all else pretty alright, but seriously, since you probably earn the LEAST amongst most of my friends, and so what it did WORTH 3 months of your salary, when you didn’t even spend a month on it(ai yah, look for friends who work in the industry, get good discount) and rave how you spend so much on it?

Of course the most priceless, you would tell me is how you spent months, getting refunds, and the tears that accompanied it. Oh, not mentioning how sleeping with someone else too, which makes the ring mean and worth SOOOOOOO much.

Most of the flowers lie meaninglessly on the floor, on the table, scattered around the mahjong table, looking like an eyesore that add to my, remember, very untidy home?

The groceries and repetition of same thing that doesn’t warrant any responds from me anymore, just goes to show what a one-trick pony he is.

I looked on with so much detachment that… sometimes I feel unreal. Like the reality doesn’t seem to belong to me and I am just looking on to someone’s story and deciding what the protagonists should do.

I read Prontip’s post, and I asked myself “Why would the wife take him back?”, and then I suddenly asked myself, if he had truly given up the wife, how likely was it for the other side to take him back?

Guys always have choices. Guys always have contingency plan. They will always live. And then I see very clearly that I do not want to be that wife, even if I can find it within me. It is about time guys take it upon themselves and face their consequences.

So what if they really do change? They had many chances to, but they didn’t, so they have to suck it up and just live with the fact that they don’t deserve a 2nd shot, except like wifey said, unless it is a 2nd shot to the head.

Men are like this, they always have to lose it all before they could change, when well, it is too late.

If they can change, good for them. Truth is, like this Christian mentor who spoke to me(speaking of which, the other day when I was voicing my opinion on AWARE and I was cynical of the new exco’s agenda, I was greeted with quick rebuttal about how a new exco might be actually better and focused by Brian’s father. I was wondering why, and then, ai yo, no wonder lah, Josie Lau and them all same church one! But ah, he said he cannot accept Minibean if he isn’t Christian but maybe his fellow Christians cannot accept Minibean or singlemotherhood cos they are Christians too, how?! Maybe they cannot accept your son also leh! And wow, all like to use the “disrespect” card when they don’t respect others. For the record, I am a Christian, and I love God, but just that what you guys have been doing just brings disgrace and crumble what many other Christians have been trying to build – faith amongst others without scaring them off with such righteousness.), men will always remember the biggest forgiveness they had gotten from the women who don’t leave them, but then I retorted how men had always taken it for granted and I don’t always have to be that woman.

I was called a coward, but yeah, I am. I make the choice to be.

I was killed, lost, and this part of me, most probably, will never come back. There is a chance a person really do change and you have endless redemption of emotional blackmails for life(but what for, really?), and there is a chance a person will just think he gets away with it and do it over and over again.

Like his very good friend, who has been mindfucking his little mistress, and in front of us paint a degrading picture of she is a submissive tool that worth nothing and will never come between his family. When he is free after meetups, when he has nowhere else to go, or when he is bored, he will just grin at us and said, “Hurhur, I going for my entertainment” while his wife is at home, taking care of his child.

He probably is in for the thrill for someone who he can flaunt his wealth and “take care” of.

Wife will probably take him back, if she doesn’t, his little mistress would. Life is unfair in such a way that he will not lose both sides. He shrugged when he was warned to treasure what he has and cut off before he loses all.

Somehow, men don’t really lose, ever.

Anyway.

That day of rage, I smoked almost 3 packs. The next day, a pack and half, or perhaps, 2 tops.

And from that day onwards, I stopped. I picked a cig up yesterday and realised I didn’t even like the taste. Some addiction can be gotten over, and all we have to do is to stick to it.

Been hiding at home, in my room, not even finding it within me to venture into the hall, with the other person driving me and my dad to the brink of insanity.

Like always, I sucked it all up, I hid, and I did not respond.

She is becoming more difficult, and the other day I woke up with myself barely able to get out of bed. Minibean walked in and showed her concern.

I told Minibean Mummy wasn’t feeling well and needed to rest, and standing behind her, SHE just had to throw in a jibe that doesn’t make sense.

“Air con on until so cold, bu si dou si(won’t die also will end up dead)!”

Nice. Just plenty of love and warmth I need on a bad day.

You know seriously, I think I haven’t gone on full rage on her before…. all thanks to Minibean.

What can I say? I drive myself crazy.. and I have 2 others drive me crazy… Uhm, I should just stay away from Pisceans. Ha. Ha. Ha.

My dad called me 3 times a week to pour his woes to me. For someone who bottles his feelings and is always cool, I can hear his exasperations and his frustrations well and clear… there were years that went by without me ever hearing him complaining anything to me.

It is actually quite painful. I cannot imagine them knowing. If my dad knows, he probably will be devastated. But he has been understanding towards the insults and humiliation piled on me by my own mother and that was why he suggested to me to move out. On the other hand, if she knows whatever that had been going on, she probably will use it against me to rub salt into the wound.

Like how I can still hear her outside the door, in the hall I so dread, speaking ills about me to Minibean, yet I am the coward, hiding in my room, and just let her assume that I am uselessly sleeping away.

All I can do now is work hard and save hard.

Not going anywhere. I feel too ugly to be heading out anyway(but tsk! I need to find a hubby, how?). No retail therapy. Scrimp on meals.

I need to get out of this place and regain my control.

With the swine flu, at least their China trip is cancelled and I feel better with her nearer to me.

And I have 2 at home who are down with flu, and I have a high suspicion I am next on the list. Bah.