A colleague of mine made a joke and I giggled and replied “Wait I throw the chair at you!”
Perhaps with the recent weight loss, everyone had assumed the weakling little me would be, well, a weakling, “You? You can lift the chair or not?!”
I smirked. If he only knew.
I told Wifey and she replied, “If only he saw how you plucked the bike’s side mirror out like a flower.”
So I thought I should share the details.
Sometimes, I just want to be difficult.
It was such a day, on Monday.
I started the day pretty positive until I saw the annoying pink roses. I don’t even like pink roses. Then my day felt like it was screwed from the moment on. It was a quiet Sunday where I felt totally peaceful to be left alone, and the morning gesture to be asked for forgiveness started me on a wrong note.
I had so much anger towards everyone, and I just wanna drive everyone away. When is the last time he heard lip service of people telling you “I know you are hurt blarblarblar” and you feel is annoyance, especially when they will tell you what to do because, “because of Charissa.”
I mean, I don’t mean disrespect, but it was just… argh.
After knowing how hypocritical some people are, I kinda confronted them for being such a disappointment.
Then, I wanted my money back. Hit it where it hurts most, right?
I was asked to sit down, and I got defensive the moment I felt ambushed when 2 of the aunties turned out from nowhere without my knowledge.
And then, the words spoken just triggered me off.
“I had a clean break… blarblarblarblarblar…”
“If it was a clean break, er, hello? How clean can it be when you guys sleep together within, say, a week?”
The answer made me fume.
“Clean break is clean break lah, but if she wants to sleep with me, why not?”
SIBEI DULAN AT THE MOMENT.
2nd moment is he said we never had exclusivity.
“We grey area what, so I was technically single.”
Couple of days after we agreed on working things out, he went to her place to ask her to wait for him. Gave you exclusivity, but you threw it out of the window.
And you wanna go into technicality? LAGI DULAN.
*Insert self-righteous, I-already-said-I-am-sorry-but-it-was-what-I-think tone* In front of his 2 aunties.
One of them left and left the other one.
At one point, I was reminding him to get the money to me the next day, and he asked “please give me detailed break down.”
It became a scuffle.
I palm-pushed him and called him names, and his nonchalance and what he had said earlier just made me, angry.
I didn’t want to feel hurt, I just wanted to feel… angry.
I think of all, I am angriest with the fact that he had painted that about me. And something in me told me, I might as well be who he wants me to be, since he was always hoping I would be someone else as I am never good enough.
Did you say I am drama queen? Did you say I am acting up? Did you say I am sick in the mind? Did you it turns you on when I became irrational? Did you say you didn’t want your child to grow up around me? Did you say I was unreasonable? Did you say I accuse you of lying when you were being totally honest with me?
I will be. Everything. You. Painted. Me. To. Be.
Nothing to lose anyway right? I mean it is like my mum likes to think I am stupid, I show her I am stupid. It is easier to prove them right than try so hard with efforts put into reversing some deeply rooted thoughts that wouldn’t go away.
I hit him. He grabbed me. Then he dragged me with my back facing the other direction, well, to hide behind his aunt I supposed. And because he was forceful and I didn’t want to move, I fell with my back to the floor instead.
Quickly came a “genuinely concern” respond of “I am so sorry, sweets.”
Lagi dulan.
So he wanted his aunt to see it. I walked back to the table, since she didn’t see any of those, and I threw 2 glasses of water at him.
And I approached his bike, ready to hit where it hurt most.
I waited for him to walk over before I tried pushing it over, well it is about time to see him pain, even however slightly. Basically I didn’t manage to do so, cos giggles, like I said, I am stupid, the side stand was still down.
Then ah, he mocked with a smirk, “That’s kinda funny actually, is that the best you can do?” and he came over to drag me away from the bike, holding my wrists.
The thought of him touching me disgusted me so much that I shouted at him to let me go. I couldn’t remove my wrists, and I tried kicking him.
Of course, with the annoying preaching at the side, I was fuelled.
“Not hard enough, kick harder,” he said condescendingly.
“Tsk tsk tsk(like how you would to a dog), is that the best you can do? Not hard enough, somemore, harder.”
And then, if you hear the story of how he said I was going to hurt him and his aunt that’s why he pushed me to the floor, then let me tell you, the first time when I was pushed to the floor, was at this point and he used his legs to hook me to the ground.
We both fell to the ground and he let me go, and we stood up again.
I tried scratching him, pinching, and anything for him to let me go since when he was holding to me, I couldn’t get to him at all.
At one point, his aunt wanted to hug me, “Aww so poor thing sweetie, you so poor thing,” that was after the hard way of asking me to stop was returned with, “Stop telling me what to do, everything is what you guys want me to do because of Charissa, and everything is using her against me. It is so annoying…”
I didn’t want to be touched, at all.
I moved, and wriggled out of both of them. For me, it was I didn’t want to be touched, and I wanted to walked out of both of them as I struggled. His version was, I was going to hurt his auntie. You know, if I can upfrontly say this is what I was up to here, I don’t even need to hide the intent even if I had any.
No, I didn’t have any intention, I moved away cos I didn’t want to hurt the aunt.
It was when he threw me down hard, and I landed on my back. It was very painful, and as much as he always maintain how he would never lay a hand on me, sometimes I think he relish in such moments when he could get back at me “reasonably”, valid excuse mah, I give it to you.
I remember the moment his aunt said, “Let her go, she is hurt. She is feeling very hurt.”
In my mind then was: I was very angry. Who are you to tell me I am hurt? I am not hurt. I AM SO FREAKING NOT HURT.
AND HE GOT AUDACITY TO KISS ME ON THE HEAD TO ASK ME TO CALM DOWN.
The more I got angry.
“Fuck off, and you promise me never to come near to me, nor my daughter again. Not you, not your family.”
Most of what I was shouting was how I just wanted him to stay away from Minibean cos I don’t want him or his family near her.
They refused, of course.
As I struggled again, he let me go because the aunt said so.
I walked towards the bike, and then I got thrown to the floor, this time, he landed me hard on my head. I remember the thud. I remember telling myself I will get back at him for this.
The more I got angry.
And then he was standing behind me, and he suddenly chose to choke me with his arm, when he didn’t have to(since he was hugging me from behind and restraining me). Like I said, between moments, I did suspect if he was doing some of those on purpose as it was a pretty good cover up. He moved his arm up and tried to make me black out.
I choked, and nearly puked. It took me 3 times, and for his aunt to stop him before he did.
So then, I am not sure if I got thrown again, because all I remember was, I will get back for every physical pain I felt then.
But there was once I could even remember telling myself my jaw hurts as it was scraping the floor, and my elbow was bruising as he pinned me down with my face down on the concrete. And I was wondering if my new watch was okay as I watched it scrapped the tarmac.
And he gave me another kiss on the head. ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
By the time this saga ended, I think I had said out everything that I had always meant to say when dealing with his family and how I feel they are pressuring, though they always try to be “encouraging” and “supportive”.
There were twice they said “If we are not Christians we will never accept Charissa” and that pissed me off.
And the moments they always used the law to threaten me.
Yes I adore them, but it was also very pressurising to feel the need to please every, single, freaking person with my parents in the picture too.
How they always say they have better support for Minibean and environment, and I finally said it, and it felt good, “What? And raise another person like him?” as I pointed to the equally defeated-looking coward who was drenched in perspiration.
Hiding behind whoever who would back him up?
And then, the parents reached.
And the episode made me more angry. I got angrier as they tried praying for me. I got angrier when they said they love me. I just got angrier and angrier.
I am angry when he says I am wonderful, I am angry when he says I am sweet, I am angrier when I hear him say he loves me.
I am so angry it doesn’t make sense anymore, and I want to hurt everyone around him so they will hate me, and leave me alone. The more his help rallied around him, the more I want to cause pain and hurt. The more they asked me to behave, the more unruly I became.
I am so angry. So angry. The more they prayed, the angrier I am. The more they reason, the angrier I am. The more they say they love me, the more I want to destroy. The more he gave me lame excuses and is unremorseful, the angrier I am. The more they say I am hurt, the angrier I am.
I am angry so I don’t have to cry.
As I raged on, driving everyone away, burning bridges, destroying everything in a bid to destroy him, and making everyone hates me the way I think they should after seeing the worst in me, I am tired.
I don’t want to be tired. I want to be angry.
I wanted to slap him before I let it go. He said okay, but as usual, he was hiding behind his dad again.
So when they were at a distance, I pushed the bike to the ground and slammed the helmet against the bike.
I wanted to see the pain etching on his face when he saw that. He walked away with his head bowed. No more attempt to stop me.
And I plucked the mirror out like a flower.
Unfortunately, the bike is still in working condition with minimal scratches. And I didn’t get to really hit him also. Bah.
I am quite the wimp and not destructive enough!
And worst part? I allowed him to do more damage to me than I did to him. Bruises to my legs and arms and my back and hip but minimal damage to him. Tsk.
Damn.
I am going into full on defensive mode and I can’t even do enough a good enough damage.
Well at least I think I got my money back. I think loanshark should employ me. Hurhurhur.
And I become who you said I am.
So yes, hello whoever reading, I am the drama queen, the destructive psycho bitch he had told you about.
You love the drama right? Turns you on right? Nah, give you lor.
***
I had a very good sleep when I got back that night.
Maybe cos I finally exhausted myself through all these episodes enough to have proper sleep, which I didn’t manage to do in a while.
This post is also blogged, because after knowing how someone had saved MSN messages of me accusing him to be a fucking liar (which in fact, a fact) cos he wanted to use it against me legally should he wanna fight for Minibean.
The thing is, yeah, I am not going to deny what had happened, cos no point too. And it is gonna be a chapter closed, and hopefully, not revisited.
If I have to, I think I have more against you, if you really wanna bring the case up.
On hindsight, provocative upon provocation is a vicious cycle.
What dignity? Don’t think you left me with any anyway. I have nothing to lose, and it felt kinda good.
And I promised before, I will bite back harder than you ever thought I could, when you hurt me any more than I could ever bear.
gal, reading this post reading pains me to hear wat u r going thru. although u n i haven seen or tok for many yrs now, chancing upon ur blog to read hw strong u were to have minibean, and reading this unfortunate phrase of your life (which u totally dun deserve) sends heavy emotions to my heart.
For this had happened to me some years back. Only that I wasn’t as strong as you took it in your stride. The bastard is still happily fucking ard while he painted a psycho-me enuf to make me want to “disappear” from all our mutual friends.
while i knew that wat shld have done, i lack the courage and determination to do wat i shld til he had enuf fun of me. silly and naive i was to tink one day he’ll change and unfair it was that I was the only one suffering for believing.
i’m still wondering if “karma” is true or “what comes around goes around” is real. why r the bastards still living happily with no remorse?
revenge is sweet but it doesn’t make u feel better. rant, scream, yell all you want… get over it cos u have more importance in life than to waste more time and energy over a scum like him.
but watever is it, i’ve finally moved on and I’m happily married to a man beyond my sweetest dreams and I’m still wondering wat did i done to deserve someone as sweet as him. maybe he’s my “karma” after all that sufferings, finally someone here to take care of me? =)
I know urs will come soon too… for u so deserve it! Dun lose hope in love, k!
by the way, congrats on your little minibean. She’ll grow up so proud of her mummy!
Brian, Brian, Brian. Seriously, with all this “Happy Family” thing going on around you (did you *actually* grow up among that? If yes, what happened to you?), how is it that no one brought you to the doctor to get you checked yet? Are you really that good at self-fulfilling prophecies, or are you really fucked up with dissociative identity disorder? In any case, D-O-C-T-O-R. You can usually get a good referral from them to either shrinks or IMH.
Ting can be lying in this entire entry for all I fucking care. Perhaps this entry IS even oh-so-maligning you poor innocent baby. If this entire entry is not true, you probably did something(SSSSS) to her anyway to warrant such a post from her – to which you totally deserve it anyway.
Of course, we all know how fucking shameless you are, you will not stop hounding. Not you; not your family. For every reason/”proof” you all can come up with to justify how Ting is not “eligible” to provide Baby with an environment, I guarantee you we can come back with more.
What fucking right do you think you have to claim the baby as YOUR family’s? Who forced Ting to do a DNA test (the sheer disrespect and ridicule of it all, you fucker)? Who made sure his name wasn’t in the birth cert? Where the fuck were YOU when mother and daughter were discharged? Fuck you.
If you even have the least bit of conscience in you, stop your nonsense. (Yes all of it my dear. Did you get taken over by your alter-ego again?) Otherwise, don’t go around fucking blaming people for treating you like some pathetic fuckser (that’s fucking loser for you), because that is exactly what you have proven yourself to be.
Oh. Here’s wishing you bliss and happiness with your next victim.
wtf how could he hit you?!! IT IS WRONG *FUMES* like seriously, how could he do it? :/ are you okay now? did you see a doctor about your back?
why didn’t get someone to accompany you when he got his aunts to be there? he is such a bastard i swear. he doesn’t deserve you or minibean!
why did you meet him alone?
minibean would be much happier with you and your dad! yes don’t ever let minibean go near his family again.
the time for words are over.
perhaps consider posting a clear photo of the “chivalrous” man in question. no need to put words to it. no need to give anyone further ammo than they have dug up. just to simply share with your readers, and let it go out of your hands for once
I’d be mighty pissed if someone offers to pray for me at such a moment. Screws loose or something in him and his family? Geez.
KAOZ .. It really upset me to read your post on how he laid his dirty hands on you!!!!!
SICKENING!!
Maybe you should consider getting a Personal Protection Order (PPO) for Minibean and yourself from that bastard!
And just in case that bastard wanted to get Minibean back thru legal means .. the PPO might just serves it’s mighty purpose!
Yes, this is unacceptable. Pls get a restraining order against him and his family.
Ting.. you know when u sms me after the drama…
I sent him a sms and told him to bugger off and not to lay his fingers on ya..
Then… he replied… I’m not hitting her. Don’t be fucking stupid. I didn’t do it on purpose!
And then i bla bla bla… sending him nasty smses….
He replied… she is acting up! bla bla bla…
Gosh… I dunno wat to say anymore u know.. look at the bright side…
I bet after this yet another drama episode, you are determine enough not to go back to him after 4 years of ding ding dong dong!
Hang in there babe! U know ah… this whole week, he never disturb me… i had so much peace. I hope one day you will also enjoy this very peaceful moment too! Love Love!!
Hi Ting,
I’m a silent reader of your blog for many years.
I teared when I read this post.
I cannot believe that his family cornered you in such a way, so many against one and that his aunty just stand there and witness him abusing you? Did you see a doctor to assess your injuries and lodge a police report? This would be useful in future.
He is such an a**hole. Next time if he request for meetup, please ask someone along and if possible bring a videocam and ask your frd to hid one corner and video it.
Take care and I’ll keep you and minibean in my thoughts.
E
Flo: It is so nice to hear from you
you know the guy who treated you that way, i always thought he was so sweet and nice, but of course we realise how guys can be such great actors.
I certainly haven’t lost hope of finding that person to take care of me and Minibean
***
Wanyi: no one can contest u cos when we discharged u drove us back.. if u got kkj, i would have married you and i promise i won’t turn psycho on u! giggles.
now i know why sometimes he bait me to “slap me sweets, please, if it makes you feel better.” maybe to tell people, and also to gather as evidence. haha.
***
Fiona: Yup i know, and then now he is saying he baited me with those words to agitate me so I would burn out my rage faster wor. So nice of him.
Strangely after that day, sibei peaceful liao.
Maybe to do something as irreparable like this, is the way to go cos it really kills off hope in everyone.
***
Thanks all for your comments,
Actually my purpose of the post is that, I was angry.
I lost it.
In fact, I even had to call Wifey to come down with Banana.
They tried to talk me out of it, and I refused to let it go.
I think I just allowed myself to be really scary.
This post is to say I am a drama mama but you all very cute ah, giggles, all supporting this psycho bitch here, when she was the one who unreasonably started the drama, and had a choice for them not to see me this way.
I do have it to go off the rails. and I did.
On the other perspective, his family are more afraid that I would do something to him, and kept him away from my rage. They told him to not to reply to any of the “humiliations” on blogs, emails, smses, and not to see me without a neutral party.
His handphone died and first thing they messaged me to ask me if i know his whereabouts, possibly thinking I chopped him up into many pieces to cook curry.
I think they think, and I do think, I am pretty dangerous too, and they might get PPO against me hahaha and like i said, use it against me.
But we know each other so well that we know how to bait it out. His aunt had said “you have to behave or else he would let you go.”
But i guess it is an episode that i was determined to make it no room to be salvaged.
He does have a supportive and loving family that I am envious of.
He could have said self defense, or he was just restraining me and he didn’t mean to.
He looked so hurt and remorseful (please imagine how hurt and pain twisting someone’s face) when i got my cheque from him(thank you Papa for settling my debt! thank u papa paying for the DNA test which I got the results and did nothing about!) and he saw all the bruises, as if he genuinely didn’t believe he could inflict such on a “woman he loves more than anything else”.
He looked so disturbed and convincing that Chen Hanwei didn’t even look half as convincing acting as an AIDS patient.
He had said he agitated me to burn my rage out, he had said i had to be restrained before i hurt others, he had said i had to be restrained and he had been careful that i would have never landed harshly cos he was always half pulling me back.
I retorted him that I certainly didn’t feel it on my back, nor when my head first hit the floor with a thud. and that i suspected how part of him wanted to get back on me and would do it on purpose. it was such full force i just wanna fight back.
He looked so affected when he realised he could be like that, you know?
Now I have all the deep heat ah, shoulder rubs lah, medical patch possible.
And then i said, isn’t this what you always do? inflict the pain and then say sorry?
sorry just doesn’t bring pain away, and doesn’t make things go away.
and sometimes, sorry is just too simple a way out for people like him.
Unfortunately, at the end of it, we are just two losers, who are very, very damaged.
No one wins.
Hang in there….
how dare he!! kns! this is the worse of the lot man! i truely feel sorry for u, ting, he shld be locked up and i think despite the lving family he has. i guess they are all physco. fakingly sweet kind.. this is also a type of dsyfuctional family. where they only choose to look at good things and ignore all the ‘abnormal’ things going on.. oh goodness!
he shld rot and die siaz!
hey ting,
*hugs*
i hope you will be good really soon. please take care of yourself and not subject yourself to any of this anymore. this is a vicious cycle and it has gotta stop. you deserve more than this.
and if need be, do what has to be done. seek for personal protection / file a police report for harassment (if the jerk’s family ever come close again).
brian, if you are ever reading this, i think you should be very ashamed of yourself. but judging from all the things that you have done, i doubt you would be even remotely remorseful about it. leave ting alone already. and get your family to mind their own business too. you are such a coward. i wish you would never mention anything about minibean again cos’ she is a precious little girl. and you are not fit to be a father.
After Fiona told me to read this post, I feel pitiful. Not to you Ting, but to Brian. Having to chicken out even after being caught red handed by two most valuable witnesses, if I were you, I would probably have laid a very very low profile. You fucked up and instead of being very sorry and treating the girl who gave birth to your daughter, you’re acting as though you still have every right to voice out as a man! HOLY CRAP…..
YOU ARE A TOTAL DISGRACE TO ALL MEN!
I think all of us would wonder what else do you have in life and what are your thoughts towards your own for the next 5 years. Can you even tell us where will you be in the next 1 year?
Ting…
I know I’m being nosey again, but I just can’t stand it when any guy for whatever reason gives physical threats to a girl. Oi…Brian Lee… YOU STUPID AH?
Ting, I know this sounds silly but can I mail over this kick-arse pepperspray to you? All you need to do is aim at him if he ever goes near you. Remember to close your eyes when you spray.
And here are some photos for you to get the idea of how to deal with him the next time he touches you o.
http://www.lakewoodbudokai.com/images/womensselfdefenseelbowgray.jpg
http://northdallasfitness.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/woman-palm-heel-strike.jpg
I would like you to kick his balls if you have to. But then again, if he dies because of that, you’ll have to take the blame…again.
No eye to see already….wtf…wtf…..
Hi, I’m just a passer by who stumbled here by accident.
You sound so angry! And maybe you have the right to be, but a man is one man, and life is so much bigger than one guy, to put things into perspective.
There’s no point being spiteful and trying to behave worse because you want to hurt him. You should accept the loss (i.e. him) graciously and move on. You and minibean will find someone better.
Take care and hopefully you find peace soon.
Janice: no worries, the rage burns out after a while. of cos i sound so angry or else where did all the actions come from? hahaha.
Chris: you know he is trained in all these self defences courses and that’s why me grabbing his balls, kicking, or wanting to slap him will go nowhere cos he could retaliate and counter my moves. Thats why i didnt even manage to hurt him any bit. hahaha.
filee: *hug* so good to hear from you babe. No worries, this vicious cycle gotta stop.
hi ting! i have been following your blog for the longest time but just never get down to posting anything, but this time i really would like to say smth, after all the reading of what has happened from you and fiona’s blog, i really really could not take it lying down, such a bastard he is.
please get away from him because he sounded worse than a liar, or psycho, he gets so abusive and tgt with his so called lovely supportive family, you really ought to be more wary of him, it sounded as if you would get killed anytime you know!
so just dont let him get near to you again alright?
take care and yes, you have many more than loves you!
Hi. Another stranger who stumbled here by accident. I’m sorry to hear what you have been going through and I hope you will feel better in time. Here is something which i find very meaningful. Hope it helps.
There are people who deserve you and people who don’t. If you have someone in your life who takes you for granted or doesn’t give you the respect that you deserve, leave them in the past where they belong. Surround yourself with people who challenge your mind and bring out the best in you. As for the ones who only exist to bring you down or cheapen your potential; let them find people who are better-suited to their own qualities and principles.
Hold yourself to the highest standard possible. People who don’t measure up don’t deserve your time. People who can’t see past their own cowardice or their own arrogance don’t deserve your time. Anyone who doesn’t treat you the way you treat yourself doesn’t deserve your time. And if you are treating yourself in a way that gives people permission to take advantage of you, start showing yourself the exact same respect that you should be demanding of everyone else.
You’re really worth more than you give yourself credit for. It’s time that you start making sure people recognize that.
Ting, It really saddens me to read about what happened to you.
I can really understand why u reacted so deviantly, wanting to cause destruction to him and anything associated with him.
Really hope u will heal in no time and move on.
Life is beautiful without him screwing your life up. and of cos your little minibean will be there for you.
Be strong.
elaine: giggles, i think they think the same way of me too. we once had said, “we would end up killing each other.” figuratively. i think it is possible to be physically now.
Quan Er: I know where you are getting at, and it is very meaningful to me at moments like this where i am calm and sane. but you know, at the end of the entire episode, i think i am left with much little self worth than you guys give me, and i react with the intent that.. there is really nothing much for me to lose anyway.
kai: I hope so too. With rage already burning off, it is in no time, i know
ok…i’m mailing you a pepper spray okay. all the way from kl…:P
hey.. silent reader here too. im in shock =(. pls take care!!!!
Well do take good care of ur self. Dun let this kind of guys affect u too much. take care of ur xiao baobei and use the laws on him if he is to ever come near u again. CHEERS
There’s no way in hell he’ll gain full custody of MB. Joint with equal rights at best. Full custody.. not even in his wettest dream
Joint is bad enough.
don’t go back to him.
i agree…….. i had a ex who is a pathological liar, naive me believed i can change him, but i learnt it the hard way. I walk out of the r/s after discovered being two timed and it was so hard for me coz i nv had such a heartache before. Still, if i dun love myself, who will? ultimately, it’s ur life, it will be a tiring draggy battle, but surely, u will want ur daughter to look upon u & u to look up to urself.
i hope it is a heartache u don’t have to go through again *hug*