Everyone loves a good piece of drama.
I think it is good I have a phantom writer for what I could not find energy within me to write so. It is way too draining for me…
So, the big, big, revelation, shall come in parts.
I will add in comments and let Fiona tell you the story.
Check comments for the debunking of myths.
I am just too tired. Way too so.
Brian Lee, I have never seen anyone as psychotic, as perverted, and twisted as you.
I am ashamed you are Minibean’s father.
And now, the 2 psycho bitches you painted us to be finally realise the lies you have been feeding us, and how you have using Minibean as an excuse, and a lie, to get sympathy votes.
And the end of it, we know who is the psychotic one. The real reason for all the hurt, the humiliation, the insanity and drama you have orchestrated.
Well done.
Well done.
I will never forget the lies you had fed us with. How you lied I was pregnant again so she would not agitate me with the truth and I would not go for abortion.
How most importantly, you didn’t love me and I make you sick and you are just doing everything to get your name into Minibean’s birth certificate. Of course, we both got different stories.
And you were just waiting for the procedure to be done so that you could be with her, spend the rest of your life with her, bring her go house viewing, with me out of the picture. Oh then why the ring, no choice?
And that you didn’t screw me at all, so you could screw her with all the trysts at Hotel 81, sometimes on the same day. How you make me out to be the psycho bitch to all your ex-colleagues, when you pestered us both at the same time when we wanted to walk away. Not bad, you screwed us sometimes on the same day?
How you painted the trip to be so disastrous when you kept repeating how nice, how great the trip was to me, and how much you missed it.
How you kept saying you wanna marry me and you wouldn’t lie anymore.
When the lies were still there, all the way, till today.
How the drama of you wanting to take your life, how you had used her as a weapon because I was seeing someone else, and the stories you painted to others so you could look so much better, when it had started way before.
How Scarlet Hotel you were detached and ignoring me, and how you don’t ever hug me to sleep again. I wonder who was the one who pleaded “hug me please sweets” every single night.
If ever you look back on your life, this is the point of you screwing everything up, your life, your family, and hurting everyone around you who loved you the most.
And perhaps, the only persons who would love you.
Everything you did, we see clearly now. Thank you. And now if I really am the drama-mama, the psycho bitch, I don’t know how I deal with this with so much coolness within me now that….
….. I don’t see a point of reacting anymore.
Like I said, I found my peace, and please, leave it alone.
I don’t care what threats your dad throws my way.
I have to walk, because I don’t want to succumb to this anymore, all these beggings, kneeling down, pleading, and the fake tears you shed… even on the day you forced me to wear the ring, you bought her a valentine’s gift.
A diamond pendant, and hahaha, I got the chain. Wait a minute, I got a diamond pendant too. Now I wonder are they the same design?
Cans of worms. Indeed.
I could have so much more of the lies that were busted as I type, and at this moment you still try to hug me from behind to cool me down, but like I said, I don’t want to be the irrational one anymore because all the hurt, the tears, the physical reactions, didn’t do a wee bit to change anything.
I finally succumbed to the painkillers again last night, and it was the wrongest choice.
I had the strangest rest ever.
Can you imagine being awake and conscious yet resting and dreaming?
Then the surrealism of reality and subsconsciousness and dreams mix altogether?
I could feel every touch, and even to the sound of passing buses, the clock striking as every hour passed, and I could even remember the dream and dissecting the dream with my alert, logical mind.
Breathe. Shallow. In, out, slow and steady.
I could even remember telling myself how good it feels to have the duvet against my skin, my baby pillow against my cheeks, plenty of warmth, and unexpected whispers of “love you so much..” from an equally unconscious one, despite totally knocked out and unconscious.
***
There was this part that was pretty hilarious when I was suddenly being shaken in my sleep when I was facing away.
My mind was conscious of me being shook pretty hard, and I was too tired to respond.
It was the sense of urgency in the voice laced with ample panic that finally that gotten a response from me.
“Sweets, you okay?! Sweets! Sweets!!”
No response from me.
It was repeated with double the urgency before it stunned me enough before I groggily replied, “I am okay… what’s wrong…?”
I think I might have stopped breathing shallow or become absolute still in my sleep or something, and he was checking if I was having a reaction to my medication, since I always reflected how my breathing became too shallow and how my medication affects me on and off.
Ahem, sorry to disappoint you, I haven’t die yet, giggles.
***
It was an interesting 4-persons lunch after I was asked to join them for lunch. Gave Aunty Dorene and her guest a surprise when I made an appearance.
I can’t say enough how much I miss London, and Rome, and the relaxed and chilled pace had done me plenty of good.
Just like how recently, slowing my pace here and there brought me much peace.
***
My parents are still not talking to each other.
It was pretty funny when tiny issues like milk powder have to be solved with me being the middle person.
Gee.
I woke up yesterday feeling pretty good.
Gearing up for work, with a meeting to “introduce” myself, which means, it was finally a get-out-of-jeans day. Not forgetting how the night before, someone had joked he would want to see me in a skirt.
It made me feel good enough about myself, that.. I could smile at everything and anything that came my way.
Like, peace for the past couple of weeks, that knowing allowing myself to hide, is also a great way to protect myself.
And then, the decision hit me. No drama, not a threat, not anything.
I think, everyone should have the freedom to be happy, and if I am not the one who can give that happiness, maybe, it is time for me to let go.
I could feel the pain and the brokenness in that decision, but why hold on to something that is not entirely mine. I had a vision of how I want to be part of someone’s life, fit into it snugly, and it is always a bigger picture I would look at, for a narrow vision would bring all of us nowhere, no matter how hard we try sustaining it just base on a strange, unexplanable addiction.
I had planned to leave in May. But somehow, I should walk when I can find the strength within me to cope with it.
And then, I left.
***
The reaction was one of puzzled, and followed by the revelations of the plans he had for us for the day, for the evening.
I took all I can, to make it amiable, and peaceful.
What was expected was also the harshness when the ultimatum question was posed.
“So be it, u made the choice”
I smiled to myself and knew it was perhaps, right.
I went on smiling, talking, mingling and sipping orange juice… laughed along, bantered along.
I walked out feeling a little lost, a little empty, a little pained, and gritted my teeth.
Headed to the next location for my walkabout and just wanna lunch by myself without my colleagues, and took all I can to ignore the chain of unanswered calls, refusing myself the weakness to succumb.
What was unexpected, was…
“You’re messing me up, pls call me.”
Before I knew it, a message came in during lunchtime that he was at my office building.
I guess fate had it that I was not in.
And the mockery of reality was, I was actually at where he was, since my walkabout was nearby.
He looked, he searched.
“Tell me where are you or what happens next is on your head.”
I never found out what he meant, and he had asked me to turn up at the place we once had lunch. I hadn’t wanted to be found.
And then I realised how coolly I could have done it in the past couple of months, if I had allowed myself to.
And as if it was a twist of fate. I was actually at the place he said he would wait for me.
I couldn’t call for the bill in time to make my escape, and braced myself for an awkward meet up.
We sat in silence for the longest time.
“I do want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I still do want to marry you, you know that?”
I don’t, actually. Believing is not easy, and with whatever that happened, there are much more to iron than to just.. commit to something this major.
My hand was held tightly, and at that moment, when our eyes met, we knew for sure, it was the day of make or break. No drama, no mindfucking games going on, no… more hiding.
I have no more strength within me.
I couldn’t decide, perhaps I do think too much, dissect my pros and cons too much. And when the confidence seeps away, it is me I know I don’t believe in.
I mean, I don’t like to be a fighter, cos I don’t think I can ever win. I can never be enough. I would never want to assume I am special, cos I may not be.
Before long, he had to leave to settle some stuff.
“If I return and don’t see you here, I know your decision.”
I gave him the tightest hug I can muster and watched his back as he walked away.
I sat there, thinking to myself, for quite a while.
I stood up, and left. Just when the message came in “Gimme a while, hope to see you still there, please. I don’t want to lose you.”
I walked around, bumped into an ex-colleague who stopped to chat, I went to people-watch, did a bit of work…
And the consistent calls that came in, was starting to mess with me. I switched it off, and carried on walking.
Don’t look back, I told myself.
“I don’t want to lose you, I am here, you are in the bathroom right?”
“Why are you taking so long? Faster faster pleace come back to the table…”
I weighed. I struggled.
I thought of the conversation earlier.
The deal-breaker, was the admittance.
The iPOD. The meals. The phonecalls. What really, really happened in September and October. The mercy fucks in February till like, 2 weeks ago. When all along, still fucking me 3 to 4 times a week.
The irony. I don’t buy the guilt talk.
Neither do I buy the work talk.
And that I realise, I was being called immature and called names by a person who was lying.. All for uhm, nothing.
Great show.
In an attempt to lie, I don’t think it was her rights to call me names. Especially a person of such ‘pride’ and ‘integrity’. Classy. But knowing what we would do, who is there, or what is there to blame anyway? Are we just victims of circumstances, or sheer stupidity that we ended up compromising pride and credibility to others out there?
Whatever it is, what end is there?
“Whatever had happened in the past weeks, will not happen again.”
Why was it that we always have to wait till it was all hanging on a thread before… we could swallow our pride and admit to ourselves what we really want?
Are we running away enough? I don’t know.
I found myself strolling back to the table, and greeted by an embrace that was hard enough to choke. Or maybe it was the tears, or the words that never found their way out stuck at the back of my throat.
Peace can be made, and found.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
Who knows, a day or two, or a week or two, we may be slapping ourselves across the faces again for a wrong decision made, but, moments, especially moments like this, are what I relish in.
Resignation. This is what it is.
Though this word could always go both ways.
It is good to dream again, however brief.
I woke up to head to Intercontinental Hotel for a meeting this morning.
Imagine my surprise when I met 2 familiar faces in the midst.
Suddenly, something hit me, and I know, for sure, something HAD to be done. I took all I could within me to do just that.
***
To turn up? Or not to? This game of fate has went on far too long.
***
We were at the meeting and one major but pleasant surprise was my vendor is expecting her first baby in August! She told me her struggle about keeping the baby when she suspected in December, and how in January it was confirmed and she spent 2 months wondering to keep or not to keep.
I told her this will be one decision she won’t regret. She told me how things have changed for her, and I was equally maternal and excited for her. Now I keep thinking what are some of the stuff I could pass to her and I wish her all the best when she gets registered to her boyfriend in 2 months’ time… 2 lifetime commitments, and wonderful, beautiful ones.
One of the old faces I met told me how he just became a dad 2 months ago and how he is going to take a break and just enjoy fatherhood after being in this industry for the longest time in between his animated reminisce of how we met in the past.
***
We took a cab home today, and watched Wolverine, and played Godfather II.
I must have been really tired to nap from 6ish to 8ish, and the past 2 days of me weaning off painkillers made me realise the pain that they had suppressed had not gone away, but just, suppressed.
It doesn’t help I was coughing last night and am feeling some sort of chills. And I can feel my temperature climbing steadily at this moment. No good.
And it just felt better when I had my hair stroke and hugs that took me by surprise in my nap. You know the feeling of being watched tenderly while you are asleep? How that is like the best security blanket ever.
I think I have this inert need to be sayang-ed.
I am not sure if this is a bad year for my health, but before I could deal with my back, I seem to have caught something with the recent erratic weather, and it doesn’t help that my weight has plunged to 45kg. I can’t remember when was the last time I was this scrawny, and I don’t like it.
Hopefully the ordered in Spizza pasta will miraculously help with the pounds.
***
There’s something to look forward to this week! 
Today I was feeling tired and sickly.
I suddenly thought of Ralph Lauren and thought of you… and you, and that magical moment.
And I laughed. 
It was a pleasant weekend.
It was uncle’s birthday dinner at Shangri-La, where I kept conversations to the minimal, and then when the topic was brought up for my plans for this coming year end.
And out of nowhere, the awkward suggestion of getting married to get a flat was brought up, got more unromantic or not?!
We headed over to Aunty Naomi’s, where I put my portable Selphy into good use.
Everyone was pretty amused and awed by the little, mean machine that churned out pretty pictures of the family and Minibean that brought smiles to everyone’s face. Everyone had something to keep, and it kept everyone happy.
They prayed for my back, and suddenly they prayed something that was once prayed for when I was in church camp many years ago, without knowing anything prior to that. Sometimes, faith works in strange little ways.
Got back, popped some medications, chilled, and just lazed. Not forgetting counting coins and be called a genius when I fixed something someone couldn’t. Giggles.
Sometimes seeing ourselves in the mirror and looking at the reflections of what was, what is and what could have been…. all we need is to have a little light on, and a little change of perspective.
And I finally heard what I had been wanting to hear.
Surprises, surprises. Don’t they just take you when you least expected it?
They are not called surprises for nothing.
***
I didn’t sleep early yesterday and woke up feeling strangely awake.
The prayer said before my sleep yesterday did work wonders and suddenly the peace and revelations that accompanied were.. pretty awesome.
Such clarity, and I am not just about to pretend something I am not. There are some people out there who are just out to win, but life isn’t a competition. Never been one to me. I am not in it with you, but I am only in it if you put me into it. And more often than not, I would gladly hand you the victory.
Whichever way which will make your ego swell
Hey guess what? I don’t feel too bad now!
It was almost storming when I left for work today, but I took heart in the comfort of a car ride to be driven to work.
I didn’t experience any of the heat people complained about for the weekend(my colleagues were all talking about it and I was like – huh? Got meh?), probably cos I was pampered by my solitude without giving a hoot to the rest of the world. Very the liberating.
***
Yes there were the bads. The goods are for me to to relish in and for no one else to judge, to speculate, to.. I don’t know, brag?
Thus the locked space, and no guilt and no self-mindfucking of what kind of things will trigger what reactions.
My consistency for past 7 years, and I am not about to change for anyone.
Sometimes I think, I blog about bad, people think why would I do that, but I am not one who just want to paint a perfect picture of my life, or myself. It is not an indication everything is just bad and nowhere near having a glimpse of hope. When I blog about good, it is also not an indication that everything is rosy, because life certainly isn’t perfect.
Nonetheless, it was just good to be cradled like a baby and to be carried onto the bed to sleep when I was too beat to move. Though the thought that flashed past was, “Gee, am I too heavy?”
***
April is concluding soon, and plans have to be made for May.
Can’t wait for Dad to be back for me to finally… make plans.
A trip to the bathroom whilst on the phone was interrupted with the sudden buzz of the door.
“Hmm, -insert big, dramatic sigh- lemme guess, must be McDee’s,” I speculated.
“Hmph, ingrate!” chimed the voice over the phone.
“Oh, you ordered? Hahaha, aww…”
I didn’t manage to finish the Big Mac meal, but the Iced Lemon Tea and fries (did I mention Robert Pattinson fed me fries in the dream when he was trying to get rid of a pesty admirer of mine in the dream? Oh man, let me dream the same dream tonight, please!) were very much craved for.
Burp! Very full now. And absolutely satisfying.
I did my laundry, soaked the toilet bowl with detergent, and am now re-watching a very brilliant show, The sixth sense.
“I think I can go now. Just needed to do a couple of things. I needed to help someone; I think I did. And I needed to tell you something: You were never second, ever. I love you. You sleep now. Everything will be different in the morning,” he whispered to his asleep wife, just after the truth hits him.
Wah, that part, can cry.
And they are playing Talented Mr Ripley, one of my favourite shows with an awesome cast on television later on tonight. Hmm though the Arsenal V Chelsea match is a great distraction too.
Yay, many things to keep me busy, before greeting the busy week again on Monday.. and possibly leaving behind my chowchow tomorrow.
Now? Getting the dark washings up to dry before doing the light washings tomorrow!
I gave myself a treat last night with a nice dinner with myself, and spending some me-time with books, television, surfing for a great cause, despite the nagging migraine.
I took the medication for my back and ended up fighting sleep before it turned 2ish am, which certainly wasn’t what I was expecting as I had wanted to just relish in the weekend’s late nights, chilling and doing things that I like that cost me nothing.
I found myself awake early in the morning, early enough to be shooed back to get more rest.
I believe I was awake from 2pm to 3ish, but I ended up giving in to utter sloth by drowning myself in more sleep without the help of medications.
Refused to answer any more emails, SMSes nor calls, just contended in my little world of my own, except a call that made me smile from ear to ear with who else but the little one who is now so brilliant with making up sentences and eagerly throwing in kisses at the end of the conversations.
I woke up many times in between, but just forced myself to head back to more sleep.
I remember it was finally nothing bad, nothing floaty, but I remember I was dating Robert Pattinson in the dream(that explains why I refused to wake up), and he kept coming to my rescue when I shouted for him.
There was this part I was tempting him with my blood and I blame it on the article I read of him in Little Ashes just before I sought refuge in sleep, which spoke about him taking up a serious role, and one that is controversial. He even revealed his willy in the show!
There are many shows I want to catch. Like Wolverine, and of course, the highly anticipated Transformers.
Revolutionary Road seems like something I should catch too, which speaks about how delusional some people are, and at the end of it, the things they believe in, and fight for, may not be just so special anymore.
Maybe sometimes, to believe in how we are special, or how people trying to convince us we are special, is just something for us to look forward, feel good and, er, be contended with where we are.
I haven’t started with any CSI nor reading and it seems like the weekend is gonna be over before I could even start it.
And the struggle for tomorrow is still on. I half want to fulfil the little wish, yet dealing with the mum is not something I would want to do to disrupt the peace I have accumulated for myself.
Tough.
