A colleague of mine made a joke and I giggled and replied “Wait I throw the chair at you!”

Perhaps with the recent weight loss, everyone had assumed the weakling little me would be, well, a weakling, “You? You can lift the chair or not?!”

I smirked. If he only knew.

I told Wifey and she replied, “If only he saw how you plucked the bike’s side mirror out like a flower.”

So I thought I should share the details.

Sometimes, I just want to be difficult.

It was such a day, on Monday.

I started the day pretty positive until I saw the annoying pink roses. I don’t even like pink roses. Then my day felt like it was screwed from the moment on. It was a quiet Sunday where I felt totally peaceful to be left alone, and the morning gesture to be asked for forgiveness started me on a wrong note.

I had so much anger towards everyone, and I just wanna drive everyone away. When is the last time he heard lip service of people telling you “I know you are hurt blarblarblar” and you feel is annoyance, especially when they will tell you what to do because, “because of Charissa.”

I mean, I don’t mean disrespect, but it was just… argh.

After knowing how hypocritical some people are, I kinda confronted them for being such a disappointment.

Then, I wanted my money back. Hit it where it hurts most, right?

I was asked to sit down, and I got defensive the moment I felt ambushed when 2 of the aunties turned out from nowhere without my knowledge.

And then, the words spoken just triggered me off.

“I had a clean break… blarblarblarblarblar…”

“If it was a clean break, er, hello? How clean can it be when you guys sleep together within, say, a week?”

The answer made me fume.

“Clean break is clean break lah, but if she wants to sleep with me, why not?”

SIBEI DULAN AT THE MOMENT.

2nd moment is he said we never had exclusivity.

“We grey area what, so I was technically single.”

Couple of days after we agreed on working things out, he went to her place to ask her to wait for him. Gave you exclusivity, but you threw it out of the window.

And you wanna go into technicality? LAGI DULAN.

*Insert self-righteous, I-already-said-I-am-sorry-but-it-was-what-I-think tone* In front of his 2 aunties.

One of them left and left the other one.

At one point, I was reminding him to get the money to me the next day, and he asked “please give me detailed break down.”

It became a scuffle.

I palm-pushed him and called him names, and his nonchalance and what he had said earlier just made me, angry.

I didn’t want to feel hurt, I just wanted to feel… angry.

I think of all, I am angriest with the fact that he had painted that about me. And something in me told me, I might as well be who he wants me to be, since he was always hoping I would be someone else as I am never good enough.

Did you say I am drama queen? Did you say I am acting up? Did you say I am sick in the mind? Did you it turns you on when I became irrational? Did you say you didn’t want your child to grow up around me? Did you say I was unreasonable? Did you say I accuse you of lying when you were being totally honest with me?

I will be. Everything. You. Painted. Me. To. Be.

Nothing to lose anyway right? I mean it is like my mum likes to think I am stupid, I show her I am stupid. It is easier to prove them right than try so hard with efforts put into reversing some deeply rooted thoughts that wouldn’t go away.

I hit him. He grabbed me. Then he dragged me with my back facing the other direction, well, to hide behind his aunt I supposed. And because he was forceful and I didn’t want to move, I fell with my back to the floor instead.

Quickly came a “genuinely concern” respond of “I am so sorry, sweets.”

Lagi dulan.

So he wanted his aunt to see it. I walked back to the table, since she didn’t see any of those, and I threw 2 glasses of water at him.

And I approached his bike, ready to hit where it hurt most.

I waited for him to walk over before I tried pushing it over, well it is about time to see him pain, even however slightly. Basically I didn’t manage to do so, cos giggles, like I said, I am stupid, the side stand was still down.

Then ah, he mocked with a smirk, “That’s kinda funny actually, is that the best you can do?” and he came over to drag me away from the bike, holding my wrists.

The thought of him touching me disgusted me so much that I shouted at him to let me go. I couldn’t remove my wrists, and I tried kicking him.

Of course, with the annoying preaching at the side, I was fuelled.

“Not hard enough, kick harder,” he said condescendingly.

“Tsk tsk tsk(like how you would to a dog), is that the best you can do? Not hard enough, somemore, harder.”

And then, if you hear the story of how he said I was going to hurt him and his aunt that’s why he pushed me to the floor, then let me tell you, the first time when I was pushed to the floor, was at this point and he used his legs to hook me to the ground.

We both fell to the ground and he let me go, and we stood up again.

I tried scratching him, pinching, and anything for him to let me go since when he was holding to me, I couldn’t get to him at all.

At one point, his aunt wanted to hug me, “Aww so poor thing sweetie, you so poor thing,” that was after the hard way of asking me to stop was returned with, “Stop telling me what to do, everything is what you guys want me to do because of Charissa, and everything is using her against me. It is so annoying…”

I didn’t want to be touched, at all.

I moved, and wriggled out of both of them. For me, it was I didn’t want to be touched, and I wanted to walked out of both of them as I struggled. His version was, I was going to hurt his auntie. You know, if I can upfrontly say this is what I was up to here, I don’t even need to hide the intent even if I had any.

No, I didn’t have any intention, I moved away cos I didn’t want to hurt the aunt.

It was when he threw me down hard, and I landed on my back. It was very painful, and as much as he always maintain how he would never lay a hand on me, sometimes I think he relish in such moments when he could get back at me “reasonably”, valid excuse mah, I give it to you.

I remember the moment his aunt said, “Let her go, she is hurt. She is feeling very hurt.”

In my mind then was: I was very angry. Who are you to tell me I am hurt? I am not hurt. I AM SO FREAKING NOT HURT.

AND HE GOT AUDACITY TO KISS ME ON THE HEAD TO ASK ME TO CALM DOWN.

The more I got angry.

“Fuck off, and you promise me never to come near to me, nor my daughter again. Not you, not your family.”

Most of what I was shouting was how I just wanted him to stay away from Minibean cos I don’t want him or his family near her.

They refused, of course.

As I struggled again, he let me go because the aunt said so.

I walked towards the bike, and then I got thrown to the floor, this time, he landed me hard on my head. I remember the thud. I remember telling myself I will get back at him for this.

The more I got angry.

And then he was standing behind me, and he suddenly chose to choke me with his arm, when he didn’t have to(since he was hugging me from behind and restraining me). Like I said, between moments, I did suspect if he was doing some of those on purpose as it was a pretty good cover up. He moved his arm up and tried to make me black out.

I choked, and nearly puked. It took me 3 times, and for his aunt to stop him before he did.

So then, I am not sure if I got thrown again, because all I remember was, I will get back for every physical pain I felt then.

But there was once I could even remember telling myself my jaw hurts as it was scraping the floor, and my elbow was bruising as he pinned me down with my face down on the concrete. And I was wondering if my new watch was okay as I watched it scrapped the tarmac.

And he gave me another kiss on the head. ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

By the time this saga ended, I think I had said out everything that I had always meant to say when dealing with his family and how I feel they are pressuring, though they always try to be “encouraging” and “supportive”.

There were twice they said “If we are not Christians we will never accept Charissa” and that pissed me off.

And the moments they always used the law to threaten me.

Yes I adore them, but it was also very pressurising to feel the need to please every, single, freaking person with my parents in the picture too.

How they always say they have better support for Minibean and environment, and I finally said it, and it felt good, “What? And raise another person like him?” as I pointed to the equally defeated-looking coward who was drenched in perspiration.

Hiding behind whoever who would back him up?

And then, the parents reached.

And the episode made me more angry. I got angrier as they tried praying for me. I got angrier when they said they love me. I just got angrier and angrier.

I am angry when he says I am wonderful, I am angry when he says I am sweet, I am angrier when I hear him say he loves me.

I am so angry it doesn’t make sense anymore, and I want to hurt everyone around him so they will hate me, and leave me alone. The more his help rallied around him, the more I want to cause pain and hurt. The more they asked me to behave, the more unruly I became.

I am so angry. So angry. The more they prayed, the angrier I am. The more they reason, the angrier I am. The more they say they love me, the more I want to destroy. The more he gave me lame excuses and is unremorseful, the angrier I am. The more they say I am hurt, the angrier I am.

I am angry so I don’t have to cry.

As I raged on, driving everyone away, burning bridges, destroying everything in a bid to destroy him, and making everyone hates me the way I think they should after seeing the worst in me, I am tired.

I don’t want to be tired. I want to be angry.

I wanted to slap him before I let it go. He said okay, but as usual, he was hiding behind his dad again.

So when they were at a distance, I pushed the bike to the ground and slammed the helmet against the bike.

I wanted to see the pain etching on his face when he saw that. He walked away with his head bowed. No more attempt to stop me.

And I plucked the mirror out like a flower.

Unfortunately, the bike is still in working condition with minimal scratches. And I didn’t get to really hit him also. Bah.

I am quite the wimp and not destructive enough!

And worst part? I allowed him to do more damage to me than I did to him. Bruises to my legs and arms and my back and hip but minimal damage to him. Tsk.

Damn.

I am going into full on defensive mode and I can’t even do enough a good enough damage.

Well at least I think I got my money back. I think loanshark should employ me. Hurhurhur.

And I become who you said I am.

So yes, hello whoever reading, I am the drama queen, the destructive psycho bitch he had told you about.

You love the drama right? Turns you on right? Nah, give you lor.

***

I had a very good sleep when I got back that night.

Maybe cos I finally exhausted myself through all these episodes enough to have proper sleep, which I didn’t manage to do in a while.

This post is also blogged, because after knowing how someone had saved MSN messages of me accusing him to be a fucking liar (which in fact, a fact) cos he wanted to use it against me legally should he wanna fight for Minibean.

The thing is, yeah, I am not going to deny what had happened, cos no point too. And it is gonna be a chapter closed, and hopefully, not revisited.

If I have to, I think I have more against you, if you really wanna bring the case up.

On hindsight, provocative upon provocation is a vicious cycle.

What dignity? Don’t think you left me with any anyway. I have nothing to lose, and it felt kinda good.

And I promised before, I will bite back harder than you ever thought I could, when you hurt me any more than I could ever bear.