Archive for April, 2009

The afterthought

April 29th, 2009 by admin

Strangely, Tuesday was distinctively different.

Do you believe that indeed everything happens for a reason? And… how some strangest results could come out of the ugliest situations?

It started with a blog post on a colleague’s blog.

I spent the evening thinking about that.

Of the days my faith was shaken…

Of the cynicism, I found myself wanting to believe again when those thoughts came into my mind, vividly.

I remember how it used to be for me.

I spent the evening recounting my walk with Christ, how I first got to know Christ. My struggles and how it had never been easy.

And even the dream of Tsunami in 2004. I had the dream on the day of my baptism, and it was scary.

I found myself loosening the grip of my defence.

I couldn’t find myself loosening the grip of my determination though.

Maybe, it could be a better walk for everyone of us from here.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 8 Comments »

The rage

April 29th, 2009 by admin

A colleague of mine made a joke and I giggled and replied “Wait I throw the chair at you!”

Perhaps with the recent weight loss, everyone had assumed the weakling little me would be, well, a weakling, “You? You can lift the chair or not?!”

I smirked. If he only knew.

I told Wifey and she replied, “If only he saw how you plucked the bike’s side mirror out like a flower.”

So I thought I should share the details.

Sometimes, I just want to be difficult.

It was such a day, on Monday.

I started the day pretty positive until I saw the annoying pink roses. I don’t even like pink roses. Then my day felt like it was screwed from the moment on. It was a quiet Sunday where I felt totally peaceful to be left alone, and the morning gesture to be asked for forgiveness started me on a wrong note.

I had so much anger towards everyone, and I just wanna drive everyone away. When is the last time he heard lip service of people telling you “I know you are hurt blarblarblar” and you feel is annoyance, especially when they will tell you what to do because, “because of Charissa.”

I mean, I don’t mean disrespect, but it was just… argh.

After knowing how hypocritical some people are, I kinda confronted them for being such a disappointment.

Then, I wanted my money back. Hit it where it hurts most, right?

I was asked to sit down, and I got defensive the moment I felt ambushed when 2 of the aunties turned out from nowhere without my knowledge.

And then, the words spoken just triggered me off.

“I had a clean break… blarblarblarblarblar…”

“If it was a clean break, er, hello? How clean can it be when you guys sleep together within, say, a week?”

The answer made me fume.

“Clean break is clean break lah, but if she wants to sleep with me, why not?”

SIBEI DULAN AT THE MOMENT.

2nd moment is he said we never had exclusivity.

“We grey area what, so I was technically single.”

Couple of days after we agreed on working things out, he went to her place to ask her to wait for him. Gave you exclusivity, but you threw it out of the window.

And you wanna go into technicality? LAGI DULAN.

*Insert self-righteous, I-already-said-I-am-sorry-but-it-was-what-I-think tone* In front of his 2 aunties.

One of them left and left the other one.

At one point, I was reminding him to get the money to me the next day, and he asked “please give me detailed break down.”

It became a scuffle.

I palm-pushed him and called him names, and his nonchalance and what he had said earlier just made me, angry.

I didn’t want to feel hurt, I just wanted to feel… angry.

I think of all, I am angriest with the fact that he had painted that about me. And something in me told me, I might as well be who he wants me to be, since he was always hoping I would be someone else as I am never good enough.

Did you say I am drama queen? Did you say I am acting up? Did you say I am sick in the mind? Did you it turns you on when I became irrational? Did you say you didn’t want your child to grow up around me? Did you say I was unreasonable? Did you say I accuse you of lying when you were being totally honest with me?

I will be. Everything. You. Painted. Me. To. Be.

Nothing to lose anyway right? I mean it is like my mum likes to think I am stupid, I show her I am stupid. It is easier to prove them right than try so hard with efforts put into reversing some deeply rooted thoughts that wouldn’t go away.

I hit him. He grabbed me. Then he dragged me with my back facing the other direction, well, to hide behind his aunt I supposed. And because he was forceful and I didn’t want to move, I fell with my back to the floor instead.

Quickly came a “genuinely concern” respond of “I am so sorry, sweets.”

Lagi dulan.

So he wanted his aunt to see it. I walked back to the table, since she didn’t see any of those, and I threw 2 glasses of water at him.

And I approached his bike, ready to hit where it hurt most.

I waited for him to walk over before I tried pushing it over, well it is about time to see him pain, even however slightly. Basically I didn’t manage to do so, cos giggles, like I said, I am stupid, the side stand was still down.

Then ah, he mocked with a smirk, “That’s kinda funny actually, is that the best you can do?” and he came over to drag me away from the bike, holding my wrists.

The thought of him touching me disgusted me so much that I shouted at him to let me go. I couldn’t remove my wrists, and I tried kicking him.

Of course, with the annoying preaching at the side, I was fuelled.

“Not hard enough, kick harder,” he said condescendingly.

“Tsk tsk tsk(like how you would to a dog), is that the best you can do? Not hard enough, somemore, harder.”

And then, if you hear the story of how he said I was going to hurt him and his aunt that’s why he pushed me to the floor, then let me tell you, the first time when I was pushed to the floor, was at this point and he used his legs to hook me to the ground.

We both fell to the ground and he let me go, and we stood up again.

I tried scratching him, pinching, and anything for him to let me go since when he was holding to me, I couldn’t get to him at all.

At one point, his aunt wanted to hug me, “Aww so poor thing sweetie, you so poor thing,” that was after the hard way of asking me to stop was returned with, “Stop telling me what to do, everything is what you guys want me to do because of Charissa, and everything is using her against me. It is so annoying…”

I didn’t want to be touched, at all.

I moved, and wriggled out of both of them. For me, it was I didn’t want to be touched, and I wanted to walked out of both of them as I struggled. His version was, I was going to hurt his auntie. You know, if I can upfrontly say this is what I was up to here, I don’t even need to hide the intent even if I had any.

No, I didn’t have any intention, I moved away cos I didn’t want to hurt the aunt.

It was when he threw me down hard, and I landed on my back. It was very painful, and as much as he always maintain how he would never lay a hand on me, sometimes I think he relish in such moments when he could get back at me “reasonably”, valid excuse mah, I give it to you.

I remember the moment his aunt said, “Let her go, she is hurt. She is feeling very hurt.”

In my mind then was: I was very angry. Who are you to tell me I am hurt? I am not hurt. I AM SO FREAKING NOT HURT.

AND HE GOT AUDACITY TO KISS ME ON THE HEAD TO ASK ME TO CALM DOWN.

The more I got angry.

“Fuck off, and you promise me never to come near to me, nor my daughter again. Not you, not your family.”

Most of what I was shouting was how I just wanted him to stay away from Minibean cos I don’t want him or his family near her.

They refused, of course.

As I struggled again, he let me go because the aunt said so.

I walked towards the bike, and then I got thrown to the floor, this time, he landed me hard on my head. I remember the thud. I remember telling myself I will get back at him for this.

The more I got angry.

And then he was standing behind me, and he suddenly chose to choke me with his arm, when he didn’t have to(since he was hugging me from behind and restraining me). Like I said, between moments, I did suspect if he was doing some of those on purpose as it was a pretty good cover up. He moved his arm up and tried to make me black out.

I choked, and nearly puked. It took me 3 times, and for his aunt to stop him before he did.

So then, I am not sure if I got thrown again, because all I remember was, I will get back for every physical pain I felt then.

But there was once I could even remember telling myself my jaw hurts as it was scraping the floor, and my elbow was bruising as he pinned me down with my face down on the concrete. And I was wondering if my new watch was okay as I watched it scrapped the tarmac.

And he gave me another kiss on the head. ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

By the time this saga ended, I think I had said out everything that I had always meant to say when dealing with his family and how I feel they are pressuring, though they always try to be “encouraging” and “supportive”.

There were twice they said “If we are not Christians we will never accept Charissa” and that pissed me off.

And the moments they always used the law to threaten me.

Yes I adore them, but it was also very pressurising to feel the need to please every, single, freaking person with my parents in the picture too.

How they always say they have better support for Minibean and environment, and I finally said it, and it felt good, “What? And raise another person like him?” as I pointed to the equally defeated-looking coward who was drenched in perspiration.

Hiding behind whoever who would back him up?

And then, the parents reached.

And the episode made me more angry. I got angrier as they tried praying for me. I got angrier when they said they love me. I just got angrier and angrier.

I am angry when he says I am wonderful, I am angry when he says I am sweet, I am angrier when I hear him say he loves me.

I am so angry it doesn’t make sense anymore, and I want to hurt everyone around him so they will hate me, and leave me alone. The more his help rallied around him, the more I want to cause pain and hurt. The more they asked me to behave, the more unruly I became.

I am so angry. So angry. The more they prayed, the angrier I am. The more they reason, the angrier I am. The more they say they love me, the more I want to destroy. The more he gave me lame excuses and is unremorseful, the angrier I am. The more they say I am hurt, the angrier I am.

I am angry so I don’t have to cry.

As I raged on, driving everyone away, burning bridges, destroying everything in a bid to destroy him, and making everyone hates me the way I think they should after seeing the worst in me, I am tired.

I don’t want to be tired. I want to be angry.

I wanted to slap him before I let it go. He said okay, but as usual, he was hiding behind his dad again.

So when they were at a distance, I pushed the bike to the ground and slammed the helmet against the bike.

I wanted to see the pain etching on his face when he saw that. He walked away with his head bowed. No more attempt to stop me.

And I plucked the mirror out like a flower.

Unfortunately, the bike is still in working condition with minimal scratches. And I didn’t get to really hit him also. Bah.

I am quite the wimp and not destructive enough!

And worst part? I allowed him to do more damage to me than I did to him. Bruises to my legs and arms and my back and hip but minimal damage to him. Tsk.

Damn.

I am going into full on defensive mode and I can’t even do enough a good enough damage.

Well at least I think I got my money back. I think loanshark should employ me. Hurhurhur.

And I become who you said I am.

So yes, hello whoever reading, I am the drama queen, the destructive psycho bitch he had told you about.

You love the drama right? Turns you on right? Nah, give you lor.

***

I had a very good sleep when I got back that night.

Maybe cos I finally exhausted myself through all these episodes enough to have proper sleep, which I didn’t manage to do in a while.

This post is also blogged, because after knowing how someone had saved MSN messages of me accusing him to be a fucking liar (which in fact, a fact) cos he wanted to use it against me legally should he wanna fight for Minibean.

The thing is, yeah, I am not going to deny what had happened, cos no point too. And it is gonna be a chapter closed, and hopefully, not revisited.

If I have to, I think I have more against you, if you really wanna bring the case up.

On hindsight, provocative upon provocation is a vicious cycle.

What dignity? Don’t think you left me with any anyway. I have nothing to lose, and it felt kinda good.

And I promised before, I will bite back harder than you ever thought I could, when you hurt me any more than I could ever bear.

Posted in I bite!, Life of a Drama Mama | 28 Comments »

Froze

April 29th, 2009 by admin

The stark contrast of the past 2 days, was one I cannot explain(more on that later).

I guess there are still wounds which are still raw, which perhaps I am unwilling to erase, and others, that I am letting go without even looking back.

I will write about that later when I have the time.

I woke up with bad aches yesterday morning. I still managed to drag myself to work.

This morning, all I remember was a very bad headache, and a slight consciousness of the thundering out there, that unsettled me enough to dig my nails into my duvet as I choked on my own breathing.

I heard the alarm and tried to move to make a grab for it.

I couldn’t. It felt as if I was frozen there, and as I tried to turn to my right, I could hardly move so. I slumped back on my back.

I realised my jaws were tensely clenched, and I was shaking, trembling and shivering.

I rolled myself up under the duvet, and it didn’t seem to go away.

And I was actually sweating.

I tried to move again and I could feel the pain shooting down my back, and I remember not being able to walk much with my slipped disc, but unable to move and sit up from my bed, it surely gotta be the first.

I gritted my teeth and tried to stifle the pain, still not able to figure out where the cold and trembles come from.

It is strange.

It doesn’t feel like it was entirely because of the slipped disc.

I suddenly thought how scary the days of nightmares back in 2001 – 2004 were.

I knew I could barely get out of bed, and I actually could turn to my left.

So I became as if I was sunbathing throughout the day – lying on my back and flipping over when I was going to go numbed.

And then I realised it was a bad day not to go to work.

Power shutdown today!

I ended up having no connection, no access, no blogging(blogging from phone is soooooooo frustrating that I don’t think I can manage it when I was frustrated with my indoor sunbathing routine).

I stood up and felt like my body was going to fall apart.

Worst thing? I ran out of painkillers!!!!!

I got so sad and depressed staying in a house with no electricity(read: no air con, no internet) that I decided to go check what time it was going to be resumed in the lift. 6pm, it says.

I came back, sulked, and stayed in bed and did my sunbathing routine again with Salonpas down my back.

You know, how people say everything happened for a reason?

Ian, I was reading your blog yesterday after you asked me what “tush” means, and I was reading about your take on AWARE.

I felt a strange sense of peace, like your words were spoken to me.

And with things put into perspective last night, I think, it is time for me to come home.

If I could put up a good enough fight on my end, I can.

Posted in Life's Fillers, Making Sense of Life | No Comments »

Rage

April 28th, 2009 by admin

I find myself wanting to become who he says I am.

This is a scum with no remorse.

It was a circus.

He says, therefore I am.

I just want to be angry, very angry.

At least today, the physical pain is taking over.

Posted in Mental Mutilation | 12 Comments »

Cyanide words

April 27th, 2009 by admin

Sweet, lethal. And so convincing.

Someone had cowardly locked his blog(it was already locked but well, he removed my access to it) because he said his private thoughts are intruded, then I find it very funny how private those thoughts can be when they are all lies.

But of course, knowing how a liar operates, I know better to back it up, cos you know, he might just delete everything and said it was a figment of my imagination, or he might just mess the timeline up and say how I am just lying(cos you see, it is never others’ fault, we must be lying, not him).

So yeap. Here is goes. In segments, his version of story, and his private, barest, truthful-est thoughts, written when of course, just after he slept with someone else, all bathed and showered, back in his own home, or drafted just before he left the home into someone’s embrace and continuing with his lies.

Such mastery.

And he said wow, I ended things to get you back in October, and then he said he doesn’t remember.

I don’t remember. Such a sweet, powerful excuse reason. I feel like leaving a comment to each and every sentence written, to just, add to the mockery of “my private thoughts are used”.

Thursday, October 9, 2008
hurry home
I never thought it was worth it…
you know waiting for anybody…
till you meet someone…
who makes you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with them…
waking up next to them, day in and day out…
saying “gd morning sweets”…
even if they’re wrinkeled and old…
and their tits hang down to their belly button…
yup in the start I would have never thought I would wait for you…
and then I felt your kiss, I could wait forever for this…

inside of me there are words waiting to come out…
And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you…
And how much I love you despite the flaws you think you see…
And how I need you in my life…
And especially how much I want you…

Do hurry, Do what you need to do…
Hurry home to me…
please…
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody…
you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible…
Hurry back to me sweets…
I want the rest of our lives to start…
Posted by b at 1:13 AM 0 comments

sigh
Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I’m not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don’t understand,
I’m not…broke I’m just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I’m still in love with you…

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you’ll come back here to the place that we’d meet,
And you’d see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

Policeman says son you can’t stay here,
I said there’s someone I’m waiting for if it’s a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you’ll come back here to the place that we’d meet,
And you’d see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who’s waiting on a girl…
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world…
Hmmmm

and maybe I’ll get famous as man who can’t be moved,
And maybe you won’t mean to but you’ll see me on the news,
And you’ll come running to the corner…
Cos you’ll know it’s just for you

I’m the man who can’t be moved
I’m the man who can’t be moved…

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you’ll come back here to the place that we’d meet,
And you’d see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I’m not gonna move.

Monday, October 13, 2008
I Do, Chose & Love You….
I Chose you…

I Chose you to promise to wipe away your tears with my laughter, and your pain with my caring and my compassion…

I Chose you to give myself to you completely, and I promise to love you always..

I Chose you to promise to be faithful and to unfailingly share and support your hopes, dreams and goals

I Chose you to vow to be there for you always; when you fall, I will catch you; when you cry, I will comfort you; when you laugh, I will share your joy…

I Chose you to give my life, my love, my heart and my soul to you and only for you…

I Chose you to willingly give all of my time, efforts, thoughts, talents, trust & prayers to you…

Everything I am and everything I have is yours…

I Do love you…

I Do love you to want to protect you, care for you, guide you, listen to you and cry to you and only you…

I Do love you to be silly around you, never have to hide anything from you and be myself with you…

I Do love you to share all my sentiments, dreams, goals, fears, hopes, worries and my entire life with you…

I Do love you to want the best for you, to wish for the fulfillment of your achievements, dreams and aspirations…

I Do love you to keep my promises to you and pledge my heart, loyalty and faithfulness to you and only you…

I Do love you this much…
enough to do anything for you…

I Do…I Do give my life, my love, my heart and my soul to you and only for you…

I Do want the best for you, to wish for the fulfillment of your achievements, dreams and aspirations…

I Do willingly give all of my time, efforts, thoughts, talents, trust & prayers to you…

I Do Love You…

I Do love you to want to protect you, care for you, guide you, listen to you and cry to you and only you…

I Do love you to be silly around you, never have to hide anything from you and be myself with you…

I Do love you to share all my sentiments, dreams, goals, fears, hopes, worries and my entire life with you…

I Do love you to keep my promises to you and pledge my heart, loyalty and faithfulness to you and only you…

I Do love you to cherish your friendship, adore your quirky personality, respect your values and see you for who you are…

I Love You…

I Love you to fight for you, compromise for you and sacrifice myself for you if needed be…

I Love you enough to miss you incredible when we are apart, no matter what length of time it’s for or regardless of the distance involved…

I Love you to believe in our relationship, to stand by it no matter what happens and to never-ever give up on us…

I Chose you to spend the rest of my life with you, be there for you, when you need or want me, & never ever want to leave you or live without you…

What can I say to you that I haven’t already said?

What can I give you that I haven’t already given?
If there’s more, tell me and it shall be so…

Is there anything of me that isn’t yours already?
My body, my mind, my heart, even my soul…

Do you know that everything that is me belonged to you long before this?
And it shall be yours long after this…

I will follow you anywhere and everywhere you lead,
Hand in hand and heart in heart…

When I said I do, I meant that I will ’til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That’s what I had in mind when I said “I do, chose and love you”
Posted by b at 1:37 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Ironic…
Hahaha what can I say, it’s one of thoses times
where if I don’t laugh i’ll go mad…

Was looking thru your old stomping grounds and
this is what I saw…

“It is a song about a couple in which one has decided that he needs a break from the relationship to deal with his own issues, and the narrator is having a hard time with the separation and can’t move on. She is trying to express that she just wants to be with the subject despite what the subject thinks he may need to accomplish by taking a break.

She is saying. Don’t leave and try to get better because its just going to get worse. Stay with me and love me.

A couple, or even close friends, who are going through a difficult time in their relationship, but in the end they still love each other and want to get through it.

No Ordinary Morning – Chicane

If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

We moved too fast but I had no sign
I would try to turn the hands of time
Then look to you for the reason why
The love we had passed me by

And as the sun would set you would rise
Fall from the sky into paradise
Is there no light in your heart for me?
You’ve closed your eyes, you no longer see

There were no lies between me and you
You said nothing of what you knew
But there was still something in your eyes
Left me helpless and paralyzed

You could give a million reasons,
change the world and change the times,
Could not give me the secrets of your heart
and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now
there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me,
leave the thought of us behind
You could give a million reasons,
change the world and change the times
Could not give me the secrets of your heart
and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now
there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me,
leave the thought of us behind
”
Posted by b at 12:33 AM 0 comments

Teardrops Of My Soul
everything seemed too good to be true…
I thought you would always be mine till the end of time…
it seemed everything was just fine…

What is it that I miss?
I miss every hug and every kiss…

Why do I miss you?
I can’t forget how it felt to be with you…
I can’t forget all the times we had…
the good times and the bad…

I trusted you with my heart and soul…
and now you’ve torn it apart…

All the nights up late on the phone, talking endlessly till the glimmer of the break of dawn…
is now time I spend alone…
Wishing and praying you were here with me…
gives me nothing but misery….

So, why do i miss you?
simply because I love you…

My knees start to shake when you’re in sight…
my mind is filled with wonder…
my heart with fright…

When will this feeling stop?
When did it start?
How can I listen to my mind without breaking my heart?
I’m so confused…
what should i do?
I can’t think of anything except you…
should I ignore you…
or just give it time?…

I can’t think straight…
my heart controls my mind…

Love me without fear…
Trust me without questioning…
Need me as I need you …
Want me as I want you…
Open your heart to me, as I have opened my to you…
Desire me as I’ve always desired you…

You and me forever…
You’re in my dreams…
You’re in my thoughts….
You’re the reason my heart doesn’t stop…
You and me forever…
And always to the end…
I can’t live without you…
Because you make me complete…
I love you with all my heart…
And I knew I would from when the words left my lips…
As time goes on you and me can’t be apart….

I will give you my undying devotion…
For as long as I live…
I shall kiss you and love you unconditionaly…
For you have all I can give…

I want to be with you each night…
Falling asleep together…
Making the world so right…
Loving each other forever…

You are worth every breathing moment of everyday…
of each week…
of all 12 months…
of each year to come…
forever & ever…
You are worth my life…

Sometimes I wonder why I fell in love with you in the first place…
and continue to love you after all the pain…
and then you smile at me…
and I realize why…
without you…
I can’t breathe…

Sometimes I miss you so much…
I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you…
Everyday begins and ends with a thought of you, this I know…
Posted by b at 4:47 AM 0 comments

And every word disgusts me now as I read back.

Sunday, October 19, 2008
Teardrops from the heart
Oct 19th 2008

Why is it that I must climb thousands of mountains to get you…
when all you need is a smile to get me?

My pride has been forsaken…
thrown on the floor…
stomped to bits and pieces…
and then stomped on somemore…
i don’t deny it hurts…
cuts me to the bone…
it doesn’t matter…
fore my heat, soul and life are yours…
love me….
before i end up in a home…

How can it be that I want nothing and yet everything at the same time?
Maybe it’s because I want nothing but you, and you are everything…

Don’t tell the sun to keep shining…
it can’t be done…
the clouds exist….
Don’t ask the leaves to stop falling…
they can’t help it…
the wind exists…
Don’t ask me to stop loving you or trying…
how can I…
you exist…

You’re my insomnia…

I want to go to sleep at night…
wake up every day…
breathing knowing you are truly mine…

If you will asked me to give up everything…
my answer is no…
as it can never be so…
Why?
Because you’re my everything and I can’t give you up…

Don’t ever leave me…
I’m begging you…
take me with you…

After I chose you as that special someone in May 2008…
you’ll understand why…
it can’t work out with anyone else…

I see you when I’m dreaming…
even more when I’m awake…
You rob from my soul…
capture my life…
and it is my heart that you take…
It’s all yours to begin with…
When I chose you …

For the first time in a long time…
I’m hoping there’s a god in heaven…
so someone might answer my prays…
as life isn’t worth much when you’re not there…
I pray there’s a heaven…
because one life with you just isn’t enough…

If my time comes to go…
and there’s only one minute left…
I’d spend it kissing you…
cuz… I’d want you to feel my last breath…
and yours would be the last breath I could take…

During the day at random times…
thoughts of you fill my mind…
and I picture that smile you gave me…
I swear that for the moment…
I can barely breathe…

Will I wait a lonely lifetime?
Everything I am and have is yours….
So I will…

Hurry… pls…
we can work things out…
no such thing as it’s too late….
Posted by b at 5:30 AM 0 comments

Geee.. using God’s name in vain! Can’t work out with anyone else? Hahahaha! Sleep alone at night? Then who is the other person? Ghost ah? You think everyone is not a human like you?

Sunday, October 19, 2008
thoughts tearing thru the soul
Honestly…

I have no bloody idea what’s wrong with me anymore…
my insides get twisted up and so coilded up like seperants struggling for air…
It gets so hard to breathe…

It feels so wrong that I ‘m not there…
It doesn’t feel right…
that I’m not the one with both my angels…
or the pieces that make me complete…
Makes me think that it’s all my fault…
that i didn’t do enough…

It’s not you… It’s me… you cry…
I feel like I did something wrong…
Thou you constantly proclaim otherwise…

If that is so…

Why am I the punished and tormented?
Tears streaming down my cheeks…
like a leaky faucet that I have no control over…
It never used to be like this…

I never told you this…

But when I close my eyes and sleep…
The images of our future flash, tantalizes and beckon…
Bringing a bright smile to my face…
Bringing a slight relief to the pain that tears me up inside…
But that is not too be…

Fore in my sleep the devil plays…
Whipping and rending my skin…
Feel like a slave on a post, screaming out your name…
Rescue me and love me… I beg…
Fore I’m spirling into the abyss…
Sharpen claws and glistening fangs…

Your name screamed and used as a shield…
still a memory on my lips…
The door opens and a question is asked….
Are you ok?
No I’m not and I never shall be…
Fore you are the only saviour that can ease this pain…
I’m left awake and trembling in the dark…
Scared to close my eyes…
For when I’m asleep…
The devil plays…

Why am I the one left in the corner with cobwebs in my hair…
Left abandoned in the pouring rain & forgotten on a shelf…
Rusting like a forgotten tin soldier that has long left life itself…

All the defenses are gone & stripped of all pride…
Lay bare for all the world to see…
Sometimes I feel that others are starting to point & mock at me…
It’d doesn’t matter…
For as long as…
you are mine and I am yours…
the devil has no hold over me….

Out in the pouring rain left to rust…
Like a broken child’s toy…
That no one has any interest in anymore…

It’s killing me bit by bit…
This pain inside…
You try to find excuses to justify your stance…
It doesn’t work that way…
Fore I am yours and no other…
Fight all you want fore I’ll just take it…
Each of your excuses cut like a knife…
makes me feel like I hate myself…
Pushing me over the edge…
Hanging on to life….

The angels that are my lifeline…
So far away…
This stranger gets to see them…
Why the hell am I left to pay?

This stranger gets to enjoy my family…
While I’m left forgotten…
What the fuck has he done to deserve that joy…
These moments are fucking up my head…

Do you hate me that much?
That you won’t take another step…
Give us a chance and stick with us… I plead…
Hand in hand we can rule the world…
My hands have been out streched to you…
Waiting to catch you if you fall…
I love you with all my heart….
But you don’t seem to care at all…
Left me to rot and tossed me aside…
You just killed and fucked me over…
nothing much that’s all…

Screaming and sobbing in the pouring rain…
Just wishing that perhaps, it could somehow wash away my pain…
Forget, hopefuly for a moment…
That I can’t walk away from you….
And because of her I’ll never let me go…

I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t…
tell me of what to do…

Walk away?…
I can’t do that…
my heart has been entwined with yours…
Love or hate, it will never change…
Fore you are my everything…
And how can I let go of everything…

“You have to be cruel to be kind”
Are these the words echoing thru your mind?
From experience…
You’re just being cruel let me say…
Fore quotes like these are never real…
It scars for life…
These scars never go away nor do they heal…
They’re left open and very raw…
It fucks up the other party…
and they’ll never be the same…
If you’re lucky, the ride oneday won’t end in flames…

The public & media screams
“If you love someone you’ll let them go”
Fuck them all… If I let go…
I can’t go on…

But I can’t let go and take the easy way out…
Fore she is there…
And she has my heart till the end…

“You have to be cruel to be kind”
“If you love someone you’ll let them go”

The person who came up with quotes like these…
Should be dragged out and shot…
It’s these quotes that people hold to…
that make them seem so proud…
On a high horse they ride…
Justification never ends…

Quotes like these…
give the cruel and thoughtless an escape…
gives them an anchor to hold to…
when the waves of emotion come crashing in…

O just a senseless little quickie…
The people who wrote those quotes…
They’re all fucking dead…

You made your bed and you’ll sleep in it… You cry…
The words still echo in my head…
I have to look at you with confusion and hurt…
Fore before this started, it was you and me…
We were sleeping in our bed…
and now you’re kicking me out and walking away instead?

I’m spirling so bad, that I’m starting to bleed…
even the only avenue of relief is totally lost to me…

So what can I do? I scream…
Nethier here nor there…
Like an ethereal being…
stuck between the planes…
Waiting for you to answer my pled…
I’can’t carry on without you…
I love you so much…
Till you come back… I’m dead
Posted by b at 3:53 PM 0 comments

Sorry ah, you were the one who was sleeping in someone’s bed. Why mess all of us up? All of us could have moved on from then. You, the control freak, refused to let all of us moved on. You selfish scum. I don’t think people who wrote those quotes are dead. You are. To me that is. And now, you are the stranger to my family.

Amend
As I lay me down to sleep tonight…
Keep me safe from evil…
Keep me safe from harm…
And If I should die before I awake…

The devil will come screaming for my soul to take…
Let him come I proclaim…
I fear not the devil anymore…
Fore there’s no soul here for the muthafucker to take…
All that’s left is an empty shell…

My soul has belonged to you since that day…
Hate it or love it…
It’s there to stay…

Keep it safe and keep it warm…
Fore I swear I can do you no harm…
Gone are my claws…
And gone are my fangs…
All rendered harmless to both of you alone…

Love me and rescue me, this I pray…
For life doesn’t exist with you away…
God return my sweets to me I beg…
O god, let us work things out today…

All this I say…
Before I sleep…
To keep my hope and keep my faith…

I miss you…

Amend…
Posted by b at 12:09 AM 0 comments

Monday, October 20, 2008
Ans to your question
Sweets,

you asked why I wasn’t there and
how come I have all of this free time all of a sudden…
to blog, come around and date…

think hard and think back…
I have always been there for you…
I want to spend the rest of eternity wrapped in your arms..

Why didn’t I blog?
Simple…
I was happy with you and baby by my side..
I had no reason to curse, swear and bleed on cyberspace…
I was content and happy…

Why do I have all this free time to pop by your hse?
Think and think hard…
If i wasn’t in the office working to build something for us, had to prove myself in my boss’s eyes to get that raise… why? read and you’ll find out I have something to buy…

I was with you…
Every weekend I was with you and no other…
Fri u would play mj
Sat and sun i was always there by your side…

Why do I have the time to date?
(I assume u’re talk about me bringing u out on dates?)
Sweets I don’t ever want to lose you…
Sometimes I get wrapped up in work and need a goog conk on the head…
I proposed to you for godsakes sweets…
I want to spend forever with you…

Sweets you know all those times that I asked if you would be free to take leave and spend time with me?
And your answers were “no”
I never told you this, becaused you always seemed so busy and stressed at work that I didn’t wannt to impose on you… Next time I know and I’ll just tell you
But every single one of those times I had to cancel the resort that I booked for us… I think the receptionist is pissed off at me

I try to lose myself in work the past few days…
but i can’t focus… only thing i can think of is you…
and it’s tearing me up…

End of june I called a friend
And bought a ring…
Why haven’t I done anything?
I wanted to propose to you in a manner that you have always dreamt about and sweep you off your feet…You’re my sweets and i’ll do anything for you

Remember that day at PS, where we were eatting with Wen M and company?
You were feeling under the weather..
We bought chocs at Marks & spencers…
your friend bought a fake bun…
Your friend was going to get married…
You guys were talking about rings…
Your eyes lit up at their desciptions..
mine felt sorely inadequate… you deserve more…
I refunded it and have been saving for the one which will make your eyes light up again.
Posted by b at 1:50 AM 0 comments

Oh yes, like in your office working hard, fucking your colleague? Still finding excuses of why you weren’t around so no one can say anything about you?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Destiny & Fate are not matters of chance…
They are matters of choice…
they’re not things to be waited for…
They are things to be strived for & achieved…
Posted by b at 11:08 AM 0 comments
Love…
Overjoyed…
Peace…
Complete…
Silence…

That from the moment I saw your face..
These feelings washed over me…
Like a crashing wave across the jagged shore…

From the moment when I saw saw your face…
I could breathe…
if only just for a little while…

breathe in….
breathe out…
breathe in…

gone was the turmoil…
silence the pain…
gone was the ringing & poundin & dread…

quick was the smile, on my lips…
as i watched you..
amazed with your kooky grace…

sweets with you I felt whole…
I feel the comfort within your arms…
our hands made me feel that I’m never alone…
So many words go unspoken,…
But all the words seem to slip away…
As you tenderly wrap me in your embrace…

Entrust yourself to me…
Let go and set free your inhibitions..
Every layer torn away till we are raw…

Just us…
Trust us…
Fight for us…

When you left…
I felt a peice of me leave with you…

silence…

I miss you…
I love you…
I ache for you…

a brief pause..
I sit here in wonder…
Posted by b at 1:27 AM 0 comments

Thursday, October 23, 2008
Why is it that just the sound of your voice can make my heart feel lighter and heavier at the same time…

Where are you?

Why is it that you have this control over me like I’m your puppet to meddle with…

How much longer will I have to walk and only see my shadow?

no idea at all why you twist me up inside to the point that my feelings towards you embed deeper inside of me…

Don’t you know I need your warmth…

You have no clue that just the thought of you has such a profound affect on me…
A smile…
A twinkle…
The tone in your voice…

God, I miss you…

When I’m with you my heart pounds so fast…
When we’re apart my heart rips in two…
Sweets all my life I never thought I’d feel this way…
laying on my bed…
all alone in the dark…
crying…
I hug my pillow believing that it was you…
I know there are others in this world…
But i don’t want them…
i want you and only you…
This I know… I chose you…

missing your smile…
missing your touch…
missing the things you do…

I need you…
I want you…
I’m so madly in love with you…
I’m fucked… I’ll feel this way until i have you…

My life is incomplete without you…
My heart torn apart till i have you…
It hurts…
like a hungry beast ripping at my chest…
tearing and rendering…
with a malice of glee…

I pray…
I wish…
To feel your heart beating…
Each breathe that you take caressing my skin..
I dream till the day I’ll be with you…
until then I’ll be here…
Missing you…
Posted by b at 3:44 AM 0 comments

WAH ENTRUST MYSELF TO YOU? Luckily, I didn’t.

You know, tell me something, which of the above you have said, you haven’t said in the past few days?

And since it was all lies in the past, you don’t deserve a second chance to be believed again.

To the boy who cried wolf – some people in life deserve a 2nd shot.

Just not you.

Posted in Boys are Evil | 19 Comments »

Aftermath

April 26th, 2009 by admin

It has been an interesting weekend.

And of course, people you thought were no longer there would all spring up from nowhere and you know with ample comfort that, they are always there.

Thank you all. :)

There is nothing that was expected of him to be done or said that wasn’t, and I listened on with plenty of numbness or watched on with plenty of indifference as the oh-so familiar scenes played themselves out. Promises that sounded empty dissolved in the breeze as it became a one-way plead – one that he cannot handle the rejections and shun away from them, yet he forcing those words I want hear nothing of on me.

Every little thing said is a humiliation, and a bare reminder of what happened.

You know ah, the repetition is like such. Teary eyes, beady eyes, puppy look of devastation, and then endless pleading with attempts to try to hug you to calm you down. When you give absolute no, then give the cool “so be it” face and walk off.

Nonetheless, the weekend wasn’t one of its joy.

And this awfully sweet chap made me laugh:

Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
ehhh are you ok?
Scarlett Ting says:
yup?
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
if it helps i provide assassination services
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
arson will cost abit more
Scarlett Ting says:
why arson a bit more?
Scarlett Ting says:
giggles. u make me laugh
Scarlett Ting says:
hahaha
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
ehhh arson quite tricky to leave a clean trace mah
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
oso got package
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
torture den kill
Scarlett Ting says:
really tell me which onbe is the most painful u can tink of
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
torture den kill den arson
Scarlett Ting says:
ah sounds like music haha
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
haha
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
some ppl prefer the tie the guy up and force him to watch barney
Scarlett Ting says:
hmm the tying up might turn him on and he hates barney
Scarlett Ting says:
sounds like awesome
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
oh
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
tying turns him on
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
got the jesus christ alternative
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
nail him to the chair
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
den usually bad ppl need to detox them of their filth and sins oso
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
so need acid
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
tt one first litre is free
Scarlett Ting says:
wahahahahahaa
Scarlett Ting says:
all sound pretty… mild
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
juz the appetizer mah
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
usually i oso dun advise the ppl who were victimized to join in the torture
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
cuz they can get quite emotional and end up killing the guy too fast
Scarlett Ting says:
hahahaha!!!!!!
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
you want maximum torture
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:

Scarlett Ting says:
dun sound very the torture
Scarlett Ting says:
maybe like castration without anaesthesia
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
you noe like ermm
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
banana split
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
when they slice the banana into fine slices
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
i dun understand y ppl like to juz cut it off with one chop at the base
Kyros: april is the cruellest month says:
like hello? all the nerves are the the tip?

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS…. OUCH.

So cute lah. And I know it was his unconventional effort of bringing a smile to my face and telling me that he is there for me instead of making it a sombre topic. Thank you, it worked magic.

***

And the weekend went on brilliantly with a cute start to Saturday morning with guests over!

Cat and Eileen brought Kitty and Rene over after they had a swim, and Minibean had playmates!

I realised I must have lost a great deal of weight because there wasn’t any pair of shorts(those with elastic band one somemore) I could wear without potentially setting myself up for gross public indecency.

44kg.

It is almost reaching my all time low in 2001 when I had my braces on – 43kg. And I will be 20kg lighter than my peak pregnancy age. Hehehe.

Eileen and Cat exclaimed how my tush is gone, I used to have a tush no matter how skinny I was back in those days.

And I really ate all the fatty stuff and chocolate bars today in an attempt to pile on some weight and fats for my next big date out(application forms can be requested from joewei.ting at gmail dot com, and all submissions will be vetted by Miss Efbobofy and Miss Potatomus) so I could fill my dresses nicely.

Can’t wait for the picture to be out of the 3 of them standing side by side in red and pink and posing for the camera.

Minibean was so happy to have playmates and I looked on to Cat with ample envy as she is expecting her 2nd one, and how she has such a loving husband.

Minibean was being an angel, albeit a kaypoh one as she tried to feed the other girls(and mummy!), and getting me to drink my iced Milo, and getting the girls to drink their water.

And I saw the benefits of her mixing with other kids, teaching how important it is for her to love and to give.

We ordered in McDee’s for lunch and updated each other. The thing about having friends like them is, no matter what happens in your life, how much your life has progressed since they know you as the braces-clad girl or whatever… they will always be there, and you can always pick up where you left off like you, or they, were never faraway.

And the little one is already venturing into the dangerous phase – she will watch commercials and ask us to buy her Kinder Breno!

***

In the evening, it was dinner with Aunty Dorene and Aunty Naomi with Minibean at Holland Village.

Met up with Aunty Dorene at Al Dente, before we headed over to Essential Brews for drinks with Aunty Naomi, where Minibean was traumatizing charming the patrons when she was fascinated by the balloons brought by some vibrant group who was celebrating someone’s birthday.

I told Aunty Dorene how once I spent a night here till it was 5am(with people walking past wondering why the lights were still on and the doors locked) to try every tea selection, and just had a nice, long chat with an old flame friend. Everything was so simple, so innocent. It must have been near Christmas cos I remember the Christmas tree.

I watched on with plenty of envy. Youth. Happiness. Free-spirited. And loving friends. It is so good to be young. Alas, it won’t be again for me.

She hijacked the attention over so often, and when they were taking picture, she ran over to be part of it, to a point I was exclaiming pretty loudly, “Ai yo! Whose child is that? Running around? The mother never take care of her ah???”

I went to pack some dinner for my mum when I suddenly felt an overwhelming giddiness and a tightness to the chest.

I started to breathe a little difficult and was trying hard not to collapse.

It was somewhat very unwell yet I can’t quite figure what was it.

I ended up lying down on the seats cos I was beginning to feel unwell.

They sent us to Aunty Naomi’s to pick up the car, and I asked for a moment for a breather.

It was that moment I broke down as I mumbled, “I think he is right, I don’t want Minibean to grow up a mum with a sick mind like me.”

***

A lone, red rose(the irony, the mockery “red roses are only meant for you”) was found on the stack of messy shoes outside my house this late noon.

Like how last night a bag of grocery with a book with a “heart-baring” note was found hanging out there.

Mum asked if I have a new suitor and nagged, “Go find a good man and get married can? You are almost 30, time to look for a good man and settle down.”

It is funny isn’t it? When she sees him around so often to know that we were still seeing each other, and she is still nagging me to find.

I also want. Hahaha. And I laughed and said, “People always say get married is to give birth early, I already got Minibean… not bad already can?”

I wonder why we women are always on a neverending quest for love, and to be loved. And then when you stop, pause and think, gee, I am almost way past my sell-by date.

***

????? ???
????? ????
????? ?????
? ??

?????? ????
????? ????
??????? ?????
? ??

????????????
?? ?????????
?????????????
???? ?????

????? ?????
????? ?????
?????? ??????
? ??

????????????
?? ?????????
??????????????
?????? ??????????

?~~ ?????????
?? ?????????
?????????
????????

?~~~

???????

From Perfect Cut.

***

So many things to do tonight and I succumbed to watch Star Awards so I can have something to bitch and criticise.

Like how Perfect Cut should be a winner in so many senses for me.

So I should leave my reading and finishing my CSI later, and forsake X-men on Channel 5.

***

Suddenly there is something to look forward to in May.

Mothers’ Day again! I think I will give my mum a big ang pow though it is going to drain my very tight finances with me saving up for my own place.

I feel like bringing Minibean out for a picnic! :D

Posted in Life's Fillers | 12 Comments »

Our future

April 25th, 2009 by admin

Someone sent me an email which brought tears to me.

About how she had walked away with the most brilliant husband who had loved her unconditionally when she was in doubt and how it ended up with a lovely marriage with 2 amazing children.

Suddenly, today, I saw my future, if I allow myself to see.

And it was so a beautiful picture that I could envision, and I actually cried when I closed my eyes and painted the scenario of Minibean, me and the amazing guy I would one day marry.

The man who will banter with me with witty remarks, who I will do my silly dance around, loves Minibean like his own, and one who is an open book of love and has a big…. heart.

I can think about the laughters we share as we watch Minibean grow, and she will be told how she is loved every single night, just after we took turns to tell her stories(we will even put up impromptu play to amuse her on her bad days) and kiss her forehead goodnight. We will have a couple of more kids so she wouldn’t grow up lonely. He will say funny jokes to crack me up as I push and heave(and highly likely cursing him and digging my nails into his hand) when I refuse epidural again for my next bundle of joy. We will be a strong family nuclei, supporting each other, and our kids through every step of their lives.

We will love each other’s quirks(he must fart louder than I do!) and complement each other, and most importantly, compromise, respect and communicate like it was our first day falling in love.

We will watch the world go back at the deep of the night, of passing traffic and dazzling lights as we talk about everything random as I lay in his arms on a lazy couch by the window/balcony when the kids are asleep.

The kids will jump onto the bed and wake us up to go for weekend trips, and calling us leaving voicemails in our phones to ask us to hurry back to spend time with them.

Daddy would send kids to school, we will kiss them as we drop them off, and head off to work. We will always put family first because no matter how much money we earn, the time spent with them will never be replenished.

There will be little notes he will find in his suitcase(or maybe kinky thongs) when he reached work after dropping me off at work with a kiss.

He will surprise me and the kids with sudden tickets to Disneyworld and we will explore overseas as an entourage, taking pictures with ice-cream stains on everyone’s face.

The little skips in our steps… the sudden piggyback of the kids and even Mummy on his back.

The first school concerts, the first falls from the bicycle(possibly at Ubin as we explore the island, getting them acquainted to nature’s beauty), when they panic as they lose their milk teeth, and how Minibean will be there as the big sister giving them love and assurance as she had been there done that with our help.

Every morning and every night will be one of sweet, genuine kisses of affections.

Our fears all laid bare.

We will sneak out for little dates with the kids over at grandparents, and he will love my parents, and my parents will love him dearly too.

We will sometimes join MY friends, because he will know how important they are to me, and they will love him anyway.

And I don’t need to have the biggest sparkle, but I will have the most beautiful proposal with my friends and family all part of it.

Okay, I selfish a bit, we will have a fabulous sex life. Hehehehe.

Daddy will help Mummy’s mind to grow and not to wither with hurt or mindfucking. Each other’s source of strength, source of love, and source of confidence.

We will have a “Do-one-new-thing-a-month” theme for the family, and we will try to keep to schedule(sometimes Daddy and Mummy will procrastinate, but…) as we try things like…. like.. like.. learning hiphop(and see Mummy fall), juggling, going to the musical, going to a play, make-your-own-cup pottery classes, going to the nursery(you know the one with flowers)…. so many things to do.

We will bake cake on some weekends, and all birthday cakes will be home-baked, a result after a few flour wars and I make the kids clean up(erm, that’s what kids are for right? Haha).

Daddy and Mummy will become art appreciators as they figure out the abstract drawings of the kids and sometimes tsk-tsking at them for not drawing Mummy to be slimmer and Daddy’s tummy to be smaller.

We give them hugs when they need some cuddles and stroke of hair, and Daddy will do that to Mummy too.

Our first drawing will be from Minibean of all 3 of us with heart shapes all around the drawing block, and the rest will replicate hers, just with more little stick people to represent the siblings.

We will be going to different volunteer organisations where they will grow up with a big heart like their Daddy with the willingness to help, and share the love(the right way hor) with those who needs help. They will learn to love and give fearlessly with no discrimination.

They will be pampered but not spoilt. The parents will spoil and pamper each other. Giggles.

Daddy and Mummy will sometimes have to look out for little sneaky tricks the kids gang up to make fun of us, and our main mission is to bust their little mischiefs.

And before we knew it, we watch Minibean and her siblings growing up a little rebellious but still with us as best friends as we deal with their teenagehood problems, me giving them silly remedies for pimples(squeeze them when they are raw!!)… and I will be glad I don’t have my boobs hanging at my waist cos I don’t have them to begin with(but he will appreciate them all the same hahaha)!

And then, they are all fine, young adults who maybe have their imperfections but greatly, deeply loved and blessed.

We will be wrinkly, and he will still tell me how beautiful I am, and I will tell him how his belly is very sexy.

There are so many, so many, more.

It isn’t even hard, though it sounds ideal.

Because the moment you find the man who truly loves you and you love dearly, the future is what you can make of.

And I saw it, if I allow myself the chance to feel that I deserve such person, and as long as I move on.

And I smiled to myself at this picture.

And the other snippets I didn’t manage to capture fast enough to blog down, as the list will go on and on and on and on and on and on…

Just like the love for the family I can see.

Of love, of dreams, of hope.

Posted in The Dreamer Within | 12 Comments »

This was the post…

April 24th, 2009 by admin

… that he didn’t want anyone to read because his lies would have been busted back then.

So here it is, without locking, bare and honest as of the truth that was presented to me back then.

http://www.joewei.net/2009/03/06/i-give-up/

Hahaha cos looking back at the lies exposed, we all know why he didn’t want this post to see light despite it being my absolute raw, honest thoughts about coming to terms with myself.

Posted in Boys are Evil | 6 Comments »

Enough is enough

April 24th, 2009 by Scarlett Ting

Coming from the lady who is never enough, I think enough is pretty much enough.

I still feel kinda peaceful today and I certainly hope it isn’t calm before the storm. Tears had dwindled, and I just think the end to this before I turn cold is near. Very near.

And well Mr Patho Liar had just pleaded me to meet him tonight, to maybe stage another episode of Days of Our Lives. Sigh, I am tired of being the drama mama, really, and why do you always force me to be one of your casts?

You know that day when he asked me to give him chance, Chris Daughtry “Over You” played 3 times in the background. I told him it was a sign, and he rebutted it with whatever smoothness you will come to realise with more truth out in the open.

I just wanna deal with it with as much dignity and walk away from it.

The only time I threw all these out of the window is when he comes agitate me further with all the explanations that reek of insincerity, hypocrisy and, the most funny part, finger-pointing and repetition of what he had said to both of us before.

But of course, he would say how much he means it this time.

And I said things I wouldn’t be proud of when he annoys me, but the most hilarious part was when he had the cheek to message, “Believe me that when things are all said and done, I forgive you and I will still love you.”

ROAR!!

Did I hear, you forgive me?

SERIOUSLY! Uhm, do I look like I am desperate for your forgiveness, you the still high and mighty Mr Brian Lee?

Do I look like I am still desperate for your whorish love which means nothing but a load of crap that ANYONE can do without? Don’t taint the institute of love.

Wah, talk about this makes me become who I don’t like, so I am just gonna talk about something else.

***

Back is still bad and I woke up today still feeling somewhat under the weather.

But it was nice when me and Minibean spent some time together, and I showered her and she showered me.

I was telling wifey how I got back home to an annoying mother but I took the time to spend with Minibean, where she hugged and kissed me so many times as if she knew I needed it.

Do you love mummy? “YESH!!!!”

That’s enough, I whispered as I kissed her on her hair.

She leaned on my on my bed as I read stories to her, before she bade me goodbye and headed to sleep.

And there was this moment, when my nightie was hiked up and she went, “HAIR!” (MAO! she exclaimed).

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

She showered me today and insisted on washing my petpet for me. Giggles.

Lunch was homecooked food, and it was nice. :) Time to feed myself well and get ready to hit the dating market to look for a great father-figure for Minibean, one who is not as drama, more human, more responsible and not a boy.

And I have awfully good news.

Dad supported the idea of me and Minibean moving out and getting our own apartment so I can get away from my mum after how recently my mum is getting more unreasonable with everything.

So many people to run away from. Sigh.

But at least I have my family who is a little dysfunctional, but is enough, without having to swallow my pride to whatever that was thrown my way, just because.

Apartment scouting time :D In the meantime, renting is the next best option before finally settling down on a roof over our heads.

And oh, since no one ever offered to view apartments with me(I can’t help wanna have a dig at him lah, he can afford meh? He kept Minibean’s ang pow to say wanna open account, I can bet my last dollar he used it to buy gifts for others and sustain his lifestyle. I can claim I never touch Minibean’s money or at least I set aside more for her, can you?), Minibean’s best father figure, my dad, that is, will have the honour of doing so.

And kept using Minibean’s birth certificate as an excuse? You know, he could have acted on it, and I asked him so many times, say only, when had he ever got down to doing it?

Never.

No action, talk only.

Like that also good lah, not that I am that desperate to have his name on the birth certificate anyway.

Posted in Life's Fillers | No Comments »

Pathological Liars

April 24th, 2009 by admin

Seriously, all the bashing and all didn’t do anything to me, I feel no joy, no whatsoever, though it is just good to have a chance to clear up most things.

You know, when you lose all hope, the only way you feel is absolute blankness. And this time, the angst will go away even sooner than I expect it, because hope seeps away faster, and quicker.

Having said that…

Let me teach you guys a thing or two wifey taught me about Pathological liars.

A pathological liar is usually defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. Pathological lying is often viewed as coping mechanism developed in early childhood and it is often associated with some other type of mental health disorder. A pathological liar is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused – it is done to get one’s way). Pathological liars have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. A pathological liar often comes across as being manipulative, cunning and self-centered.

A pathological liar is usually a person who tells lies to make them selves look better, feel better and seem better. These people are often depressed with their lives, they often have very low self esteem and are lacking in social society. Confronting such a person can cause an emotional breakdown, where the lies they have told when confronted bring the person to the reality they are trying so desperately not to face.

How to Spot a Pathological Liar

* They change their story all the time
* They will exaggerate and lie about everything, the smallest and easiest things to tell the truth about and the big serious things
* What ever you do, they can do it better.
* They often don’t value the truth, and can often live in their own type of reality.
* They will act defensively when questioned or challenged, they see their lies as not hurting anyone
* They lie for sympathy or to seem better
* They usually never own up to the lies
* They contradict what they say, they lose track of the many lies told
* They lie because they are insecure

I see the definition I also can feel the piss-o-meter bursting. I guess we have one in the house!

To the extend that he had to lie that he had a threesome with his ex-girlfriend and her girlfriend when they were high on pills to.. uh, make himself look… I don’t know?

He said he didn’t even know why he even spun that lie(seriously, lie or not, doesn’t matter, but even this has to lie about is really hilarious) to Fiona.

Suddenly I realise, maybe this pathological lying thing gets him away with so many things that he started lying to himself and everyone because simply, he can.

In that way, he can stay in his pathetic reality he woven for himself. And he can stay sick in the head. Maybe I can use this against him in court should his dad ever wanna put a case against me.

Seriously, get some help, because you are truly becoming a mental nutcase. And apparently it will then manifest and get worse over a lifetime.

Oops, who is a psycho bitch (he says he never called me that and the term was coined by Fiona) to judge a pathological liar?

Then again, maybe really hopeless case cos er, “it is questionable whether it is always a conscious act and whether pathological liars have control over their lies.” and “Not much has been established about pathological lying, except that it is the mental state of the liar and not the lie that is abnormal”.

Doctors maybe also cannot help.

Or maybe.

Narcissistic personality disorder.

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special”
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitude

The etiology of this disorder is unknown according to Groopman and Cooper. However, they list the following factors identified by various researchers as possible factors.

* An oversensitive temperament at birth
* Overindulgence and overvaluation by parents
* Valued by parents as a means to regulate their own self-esteem
* Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback
* Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents
* Severe emotional abuse in childhood
* Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or talents by adults
* Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for poor behaviors in childhood

And hahahaha, I think I am damn pro in this area, cos today I was asking him if his parents did something wrong to bring up someone who he is today(then again, they are so amazingly sweet sometimes that… I really don’t know why, and I feel sorry for them), and I didn’t know most of it is indeed childhood-related!

No wonder someone was begging me for help to help him to become the man I want him to be last night. Seriously. Apparently in your world, there is only one man, and that is the man you want to be, so you know, your deep-rooted condition is not something I can help.

“I know I need help.. help me please sweets, help me.”

Uhm. Call 995? Or someone can give him Good Samaritans’ number? A mirror or a gun would be nice too.

And do I look like a free psychiatrist to you? Do I look like Mother Theresa to you? Some ailments no cure one you know? What is that word…? Oh! Incorrigible(suddenly I feel like eating porridge spelling that word! So strange!).

It has been suggested that narcissistic personality disorder may be related to defenses against shame. So must be it cos there are so much shame to be hidden!

Not bad lah, this one maybe still can get help.

Don’t say don’t have, help you diagnose two possibilities already. And that means giving you 2 brilliant excuses to tell people to paint a better picture of yourself next time.

It is just a game of control, isn’t it?

And the world you created where you are perfect and everyone else is flawed. Remember, the world we once exclusively resided on? Unfortunately you built a more destructive, unreal one, which I no longer reside.

And no one else deserves to be in that warped world of yours. Where Minibean is just a tool for attention, and machine for lies.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 24 Comments »
« Older Entries