This trip is one I did plenty of thinking.
The trip has been nothing short of fabulous. You said she asked if you were sure you wanna go on the trip, which I know you pretty much had that doubt within you despite your immediate response of “I will go if you want me to”, when it was first brought up.
Truth is, I am not even sure if I want you on the trip. But then eventually I knew why I wanted you on the trip, so I can finally bid my goodbyes.
I knew I would say goodbye in Rome, and I did.
I found my peace on the trip, and the vast out there was so beautiful, so overwhelming that all I felt was I am this minute being… suddenly thrown into wonderland, full of surprises, full of beauty.
God was kind to us, that it was a trip of plenty of blessings, where we saw lotsa things, and things went pretty smoothly in all ways. I love spontaneous trips where nothing was ever planned, and you just have to take the good and bad that come your way.
Doing the adventurous exploring, venturing on like any other intrepid tourists, last minute changes of plans, sleeping in, chilling and just slowing the pace to fit in like we have been there for years…. and gee, even the naivety of trying Carbonara again and again just to see if my favourite pasta is really that disappointing in its native country.
So much seen, so much felt.. so much.
This morning I realise I no longer wake up in misty(though I had 2 mornings yesterday with time differences. I left London in the morning cold, and reached Singapore in the morning heat) cold, and then to be hugged by the thick coats as we stood outdoors for our first morning drag.
And then, as I passed the 2 bags I bought on behalf of someone(Gee, I love shopping for people!) nearby my office, only to realise the skies were grey and gloomy as I walked in this familiar concrete jungle.
There was not a single day of gloom nor rain in Rome nor London for the days we were there. Not at all even when the weather forecast warned us of the potential.
The weather was so beautiful with all the flowers blooming, and spring springing. It was absolutely lovely.
Aunty Dorene said it was heavy downpour after we left, we had brought the sunshine away.
Ironically, I am back at a reality with no sunshine, and I was drenched in the morning rain, when I walked back to my office building.
Gee, and screw jetlag, I have no jetlag with my lovely sleep with my beloved chow chow, after rejecting an invite of a sleepover.
I miss my chow chow, and my bed is the awesomest bed in the world.
I mis-set the alarm to 7.45pm, but I woke up at exactly 7.45am instinctively to realise the booboo.
God, don’t you just love instincts?
And the train ride to work was… strange despite being on the road and all modes of transport with longer travelling time than this.
I miss the cab ride from Stansted to Kensington.
I have so much to write, so much more to jot down.
And the choice to forgive, everyone and anyone, and even myself, is one that I realise is easy to take, and a much easier way out than I thought there could be. The human heart is big enough, but unfortch, so is the mind, and that’s why people get fearful cos things never get forgotten. People can pretend, like it never happened, but that’s why scars exist, to remind us.
I will be healed, with God’s grace, I strongly believe. And with His love, I know that’s why I can choose to forgive, for everything. From 28th July 2005. Or whichever day he made his mind to play the game. And everyone else, or whatever that was said.
To whatever nasty emails, tags, SMSes, phonecalls, or even the very smart way of hiding your tracks of using a office number of 9101 9543(or was it 9453?) you memorised by heart instead of the usual phone number just because of the way it was planned. The calls before we left for London, and SMS exchange for personal usage between you. Yah, it wasn’t Andy when the number came in Rome, unfortunately, and it wasn’t about work, just like how it wasn’t on that particular Sunday when the vulgarities spewed. But the calmness that accompanied, was perhaps one that made me know it was something I can let go of, to forgive, once again.
Alas, I just wanna be fooled no more, and I also choose to treat myself a little better. It has been a struggle for almost 4 years, carpeted by denial, shielded by defenses, buried by guilt, and so on and so forth.
There are only so much walls to be hit.
And I am writing this down to say, yes I know, and stop treating me like a fool.
But when you feel this sort of calmness and turn your back on this, you wonder as much as you can forgive, but how much more longer, how many more times anyone has to go through this. I don’t know, this calmness makes me feel as if I can still go on, yet putting myself in such a position, doesn’t seem like I would do myself, nor you, nor anyone any great justice.
You should be freed, and be free. If you feel doubt, then go with your heart.
We watched Duplicity on our last night in London. I laughed at the show, and man, I love the show. Did I mention Julia Roberts parked her bike at where we parked the rented Vespa?
Did I mention the funny conversations that they had that tickled me as I laughed out loud in the cinema that prompted a jab in the ribs by him? The 2nd guessing game they had to see who is being played?
But they made a choice. They put everything on the table.
We couldn’t even make one, we couldn’t even overcome the doubt. Everything became under the table.
I wished everything is simpler to you, and not just a game to feed your ego, a game you choose your own gameplay, and everything is according to what you want, when you want.
But sorry love, that’s not love you have for me, nor anyone nor your babes.
That’s love, for yourself.
This post is one that…. I don’t know. One written for myself so that I will not succumb, or one that I will look back at the X-th time I slap myself in the face, laughs, I don’t know. Because seriously, no decisions have been made, yet.
My pride and determination can sometimes scare myself. Laughs. So does my ability to abuse myself by being the absolute pushover.
But one thing is, I am not a confident person, I don’t like to compete, nor do I like to fight. So most of the time, like most things in my life, I concede defeat.
But it was one that is bittersweet, with memories, with smiles, with…. a lot of release.
And to the lost friend, I wished you have read the post. I can finally manage a sorry, with a book end closed.
Words and miscommunication, blarblar, I was told. But then sometimes the damage done can never be repaired, and chances can never be spared. It obviously takes 2 hands, and sometimes there are factors I cannot control.
No matter where we go from here, I wish all of you well.
Meet up with my lovely the casino prosper
