You could be a mass murderer, a reformed drug addict, a shameless slut, or you could have even watched your friend die while being a coward and running away… Or you could be a whore who charges 120 per one-time-good-good session, but, you could well still be my friend.

Still, I do have contempt for a certain kind of people(previously sugarcoated as ‘friends’), who perhaps explained why I am going through a detox phase, needing no such toxins in my life.

I do not know what my point is writing this post today, but if you are thinking this post is about you, you are probably wrong, when there are like more than 2 dozen faces flashing pass this morning as I sat in the train and typed this post.

I am a simple person, despite being the drama mama I am. I try to believe, again and again, until something isn’t right, and the defense mechanism kicks in. It is either I cry hard, or I bite hard. There is a reason why they say never piss off a Piscean, you’d wished you were never born.

Or, you could see it that such pain is just too great for a simple person to handle, and everything is out of instinct. Like a child who can’t communicate a point across, and the frustration gotta better of him.

That is also a reason why I love hanging out with simple friends, and I have tons of them. I dunno why, as much as wifey might come across as the most complex female ever exist, I find her simple to understand. Stubbornness, pride and all. Even if one day we cease to be friends, I believe I can still see where she is coming from.

Strangely, the past few months, the most intriguing people I have met, are the ones emphasizing to me how simple they are, and it is almost laughable that they are understandably so in denial.

I don’t know, but for me, it is easy to gain my respect, but as easy for me to throw it out of the window.

I don’t have the exact words for me to explain nor express myself, but I do try to be as honest to my friends and people close to me as possible, in fact, hiding a part of me kinda torments me.

I do not deny I once live a lie so long that, I ended up losing friends who mattered to me along the way, and not mustering enough to ever disrupt the lives that already moved on with a simple phonecall to say sorry. But of course, I am.

I don’t say the L-word often, but only justification was, I do love someone enough to do what he wants, and that includes losing everyone who mattered. That itself, was the simplicity of the matter. Aren’t we all silly once?

So, the basic simplicity I enjoy out of people around me, or even my mahjong kakis, are the fact that, it is good, simple fun.

No mind games or mental chess playing, no need to constantly watch over your back (except to make sure they don’t pat your shoulder when playing mahjong), no need to wonder what other things they hiding from you, and it doesn’t even matter they had a bad day and taking it out on you as long as they didn’t misrepresent who they are.

I really resent people who misrepresent who they are. You can paint a picture of what kind of friend or partner you are, but when the occasion rises, you are anything but.

I wouldn’t say I am the best mum, but fuck, I WILL fucking try.

Then there are the ones who are into lying to paint over the facts to try to look better in front of their friends. Seriously, if simplicity means not even able to be who you are in front of your friends, and dependent on how good you look in front of your friends… It doesn’t matter if you had never been dumped before and had too much pride that your friends cannot know the truth or if you are lying just because someone else put you up to do so.

Then, if I become your friend, when can I be sure I am not put down in yet another untruth of yours so you can look better? And I will just be the aggressor so you could end up looking like the victor?

Or that because I am your friend, you think it is less likely for me to be suspicious of you because I will eat up everything you say like I did?

I am sorry sometimes I could better put on a show, but like I once said, all these raw emotions are what they are, not to be sugarcoated so someone else will think how understanding you are, how “noble and sweet” you are.

I have been there, from the bottom of my heart, and it didn’t bring me anywhere, but just further down the pit.

Someone else could play the victim this time round even though I know how much you buy it, and I am determined let it not be me.

There was once a used-to-be friend told me about someone, “It just sucks that it is as if I saw someone fell, and I had to go up and kick the person who fell down.”

I kept my silence, as I looked on from outside, “Er, strangely, you fail to see you are the one who pushed someone to fall and caused the stampede, and why do you have to fake such sympathy?”

I didn’t say it, cos it doesn’t matter saying such to people who didn’t see it.

And then, there are the people who have endless things to hide.

To even the tiniest of things.

If the things didn’t matter, why do you bother to hide? Of course, it is the intention, isn’t it? And it is funny and scary that amongst females, there is always some kind of attention-competition I can never fathom. Maybe it is the fact you need that much self-assurance for the confidence you didn’t have?

Then, it become tiring to have such friends around, because they might never really have treated you as friends.

And then, there are the friends who shouted loudly about loyalty, and when something terrible happened to you, not only did they not come to your rescue… oh well. That is one episode that is not easy to talk about.

My defense mechanism is a simple one. I will just close the door, and not come out, nor let anyone in.

I will just become cold and not be who I was.

Still, I am still the same to some of the few who have always been there.

I do miss the innocence and sweet little me, but then people do change as their trust and everything else get misplaced and abused.

Maybe I just ain’t as good putting on a show. I could have pretended. But I just ain’t that good an actress.

Today is a day when I realise many things don’t work in the real world. There is always a limit to a person’s tolerance, and when the time comes, it comes.

And the timing doesn’t quite work with yours.

Because, sometimes we miss the timing… and it just take matter of days… hours, or even seconds, for us to kill off hope.

And for the hours you asked for, it is all it takes. It has been especially so in the past year, when I have been shown time and again how timing is so crucial in every, single decision made.

Many things had happened, “If only hours before I had….”

“If only I hadn’t 2 days ago…”

“If only.. ”

Sometimes the disappointment we have comes from the expectations others built up by saying who they are, and then slowly killing off the hope.

And with this post, I end with a note. If I ever don’t react to you the same anymore, you might just be the very person I have thought of as the past flashes past.

And yes, I have changed, and moved on.

And yes, soon, the expose will be out, with pictures and all. Of course, it is just my version for it, and you don’t have to take my words for it.