Archive for February, 2009

What’s with my procrastination?

February 12th, 2009 by admin

I am blogging because I am procrastinating in the midst of all the things I am supposed to finish by tomorrow.

So I will keep it short and return to my reality of figures and datas.

On a side note, I was struggling to chomp down my Mega Prosperity Burger meal, while watching American Idol 8(Sigh.. procrastination + distraction yet again!), when, well, I had yet another surprise.

Someone had very nicely assumed I didn’t have dinner and sent some love my way.

Another prosperity burger(!!!!!!).

I didn’t touch the food, except for having those waxy cups of lemon tea on my desk as I try to work out some analysis.

Oh yet another season with me and my favourite contestants.

Mr Caterpillar brows and the Robert Downey Jr lookalike are my favourite. Of course, I can’t wait for Miss Over-the-top Psycho to be ousted.

And I am not sure if it is good news to find a little of old me back. I could almost feel the familiarity of that… softer side, which sometimes confuses me definitely, and I subconsciously try to fight it out of my system.

And it it no good that I was teary and all emo-mama during the entire episode of American Idol.

And it is no good that every movie seems to tug my heartstrings along, and how every book can manipulate my feelings just like this.

Anyway, just some pictures taken recent.

At Portsdown:

I need an open door, an escape route.

A stranger was getting his tattoo done. I am not sure what this is but it certainly looks like the devil’s embrace to me. The rawness, the scarlet hue to each stroke of the needle… has this enticing 3-dimensional effect to it, and I was truly fascinated.

Burp. Back to… what I should be doing.

Gasp! Almost 11pm.

I haven’t got time for my reading even! I was hoping to finish reading 2 books before weekend. :(

Posted in Life's Fillers, Senseless Quickies | 2 Comments »

Holding it together

February 11th, 2009 by admin

n556750709_5870314_5641I haven’t found the mojo in me to search for the lost words.

In fact, I have been so erratic in this monotonous routine of mine that… any more excitement might just tip me over.

Hey, but guess what? The rise of the crimson tide yesterday probably explains the calmness and coolness after a week of emotional torment..(on myself and perhaps many others).

And as the motion is set for the crucial 4 weeks ahead, I probably will have plenty on my plate to keep my mind occupied… which is bad, cos it means I will be damn complacent about growing older.

I probably  need to plan for another runaway trip.

Anyway.

In the midst of all the hectic schedule, it would be easy to recount how my life just whooshes pass with such intense speed.

Work. And trying to cram as much things as I wanna do during my free time.

Almost not enough free time these days.

I don’t even chill much but yet just wanna squeeze in as much as possible.. and there seems to be just… not enough time.

For the past week:

1) Mahjong on Thursday night. Missed American Idol.

2) Got back home on Friday evening and read a little, before I fell asleep while watching CSI.

3) It was almost 15 hours of decadance. I woke up and prepared Minibean as we headed out with her Daddy to Funan for me to check out some work stuff on a Saturday.

4) In Funan’s MPH, a grouchy boy was in his pram, frowning. Before I knew it, my flirt of a daughter went up to him, stroked his face, smiled at him alluringly, threw her tiny little body forward and embraced him. Boy’s mother was stunned, I was embarrassed. And then as Minibean drew her body back, she leaned forward and plant a smacker on the very confused boy’s lips. He looked up, upset, as if been violated. An amused laughter was heard, one filled with disbelief.. It was the boy’s dad. It was almost he was going to say, “Hey look! My boy, the chick magnet!”. I was so embarrassed that… I called out to her Daddy to manage the situation.

5) Chased the energetic one around. She went into MPH Raffles City, saw the fake firecrackers(new year decoration), and plucked one roll out of the bunch, like you would twist a banana out of its. I was just glad she didn’t take the big, shiny ingot.

6) It was impossible to shop. But 3 books were enough.

7) Still, bought diapers for her before heading home in a cab and watched her fall asleep within seconds. Awesome.

8) CSI! Finally caught up with the series. Read! And… watching The Departed. Then, Mystic River. 2 sad endings are not healthy for me.

9) Finished Agatha Christie’s The Secret Adversary on Sunday. Grocery shopping on Sunday at IMM without her. She was down with  fever. Xbox 360.

10) Mini adventure at Portsdown with Wifey and Mr NoLeo. Lost my inspiration mojo even. Lost my way also. But I found my way, by walking! So amazed by myself, I tell you!

11) Got hit on… by a man of steel.

12) A gorgeous white German Shepherd kissed me.

13) It was a beautiful place.

14) Had dinner at Cicada. Post dinner adventure – Lit a lighter when wifey couldn’t. You should hear what she was saying when I asked to try. “You?!”

15) Got back home, read. Exhausted.

16) Started on Catch-22. Tuesday was tormented by cramps. Popped 3 painkiller at a go in an attempt to concentrate at work.

17) Valkyrie premiere. It made me cry. 3rd movie with sad ending. Why am I tormenting myself like that huh?

17b) Oh, was buying more books when I was randomly asked by the person at the counter: You aquarius? Now I know how people feel when I ask people, “You piscean?”.

18) Finished Norwegian Wood, started on Curious Incident of the dog in night time.

19) Had great reluctance to get to work with the great loss of blood.

20) Contemplated on starting Picture of Dorian Gray.

21) Meeting.

22) Ahhh… lunch.

Posted in Collage of Words | No Comments »

Trespasser

February 6th, 2009 by admin

I remember how a hangover feels like, and it feels like the migraine that is almost subsiding but not yet given up tormenting me.

Like a trespasser, invaded the space rudely and unexpectedly, created way too much chaos for my mind to bear, and stubbornly refused to leave.

And when it finally decided it had enough fun, it lost its way out.

***

I think the year of the Ox is jinxing me way too much, and 2009 is just a bad year thus far.

I am thinking about turning 28, and I realised how most of my birthdays have been quiet affairs. If you ask me, I would definitely have said…. I have always wanted one with a big bang, crazy party, lotsa friends, plenty of surprises and a darn awesome cake.

I remember I only had it once. It was my 23rd. At West Coast park.

And it just went downhill on there.

I always think my life is one that…. can’t have too much of a good thing, it seems like I always have to bleed more, just to have a moment of goodness.

It seems like nothing good stays in my life long enough… and what I thought was good, might just ended up as a nightmare.

Is it why I became such a paranoia, whenever something fantastic falls into my way? That I am actually afraid of being happy, and would gladly deprive myself the chance to me.

Because as much as it seems like 200% to be better, it will end up costing me 600%?

It is like I can buy this at a steal today, going through all the trouble looking for this great deal, but somehow something will happen, and I would end up spending the same amount anyway.

I make my special black crayon the most fashionable accessory I adore.

Like I said, never perfect. I know people say never say never, but when it comes to “perfection” and “change”, it could almost be chain-balled to “Never” – Never perfect, change never stops.

All my life, I pondered upon that question. I am good today, but what will it cost me tomorrow, the next time?

Maybe that’s why because when I am exceptionally strong when I am down and out, because I would be relieved, thinking that maybe by the time I accumulated and inherited all these negativity, the postive things wouldn’t be too far ahead… or that I wouldn’t have fear of losing.

I believe there is a balance in life, people just pay for it in different ways. Your good karma will be returned in other ways, in multiple folds.

I just didn’t believe that rule on myself. I believe I always have to compensate with more bad karmaphala, in order to redeem my good karamphala.

I could plan, I could avoid, I could control… still, it doesn’t make any differences.

I think I must have been a really bad person in my past life, if there was ever one.

It  is a strange feeling, that everytime something good happens, I will have that cloud that forbade the storm looming…

Like say, finding a dodgy hotel receipt in a boyfriend’s room just after you guys have the most fantastic anniversary celebration.

Like say, finding a letter of sudden dismissal because of global downsizing right after the week you get a promotion and pay raise.

Like say, winning a free trip to Europe, only to break your leg as you tumble down the stairs, or being robbed of all your fortunes, which either will cost you more than the trip already did.

Like….. having the most heart-achingly beautiful baby, and you wonder if she will grow up hating you, resenting you, loving others more….

Like…. having a new boyfriend and then somehow you will lose a very close friend.

Like…. having McDee’s and flowers, and then, absolute silence, and even more constrasted loneliness.

Or even, when a mahjong kaki treats you dinner, and you wonder if the act is something you gotta pay heavily for the very evening. Laughs. 

Speaking of which, I swear, swear, swear, the last time I won the most, I had a sudden bad omen. It just came and washed me for that brief 3 seconds. I actually felt… guilty(sorry peeps, I very selfish, guilty for myself hahahaha!), that, what is the price I have to pay for winning this?

I got my answer lor!

Though I might have gotten a bit of bad luck accumulation that I was given the red mouse I wanted to get when my mini-mouse died on me this morning.

But I think I gotten used to the small-ness of it(some things are better off big though), that what looks really good and perfect.. just doesn’t quite fit into my comfort zone.

I probably don’t make sense.

But as I watched the music video of Leaving on a Jetplane… I just wanna head home to hide and nurse that bloody migraine of mine.

And… what price will you pay…?

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 3 Comments »

The meme post

February 4th, 2009 by admin

I haven’t been blogging much cos I have been feeling grumpy.

I feel… like I am just trudging on aimlessly in my life at this moment. Neither here nor there is not a good thing.

My PMS theme this month is helplessness, and extreme resentment towards myself. I want to cry but I cannot. Sigh….

I can’t blog cos I don’t even know if I would make sense.

So I shall just cut and paste what I was tagged.  I did some changes cos.. haha, facebook sometimes no privacy!

1. I don’t ever fake orgasms.
2. I am a walking hazard(Clumsy is my middlename), or a walking drama-serial, verified by multiple sources. Some are even surprised I am even alive.
3. I don’t take fish. I am afraid of dead fishes. Something about the skin and smell make my hair stand even at the thought of it. I love sambal stingray though.
4. I wish there is something I like about myself.
5. I have pretty small feet for my height. 4.5 or size 36.
6. I miss crying. The sob-your-hearts-out-uncontrollably kinda crying. I get misty-eyed often… but I don’t seem to be able to cry the way I did. But I don’t miss being hurt.
7. I love my baby pillow. Mine, not Minibean’s. Which I hugged for all my life. It is so tattered that I once said I will marry the guy who gets me a pillow case of exact material.
8. I get different PMS-themes each month. Sometimes angst, sometimes emoness, sometimes hermit-ism. This month, it is helplessness and a great sense of defeat.
9. My defense mechanism is absolute coldness. I just freeze with all seriousness. Have no idea why.
10. I am a person of extremes. If you can find me on one end, you probably will find me on the other. I could be warm, and then cold. Loud and then silenced. And dare I say it, intelligent(ha ha!) and utterly stupid. All glammed up and all auntie.
11. Despite that, I have loved crazily, yet I have never really hated anyone. And I don’t like to use the word “hate” as that’s too much emotions for someone you have contempt for.
12. I miss us. I do.
13. I find very bad skin on the face distracting.. though mine isn’t fantastic.
14. I type with 3 fingers only. Left index, and right index amd middle finger.
15. I took a cab to hospital by myself when my water broke, and it was hilarious.
16. I cannot stand guys who don’t wash their hands after going to the toilet. C.A.N.N.O.T.. And peeing on the toilet seat without lifting it up is absolute no-no. I believe it is a character-defining trait. This rule only applies to shared toilets, not public toilets.
17. Contrary to popular beliefs(people seem to be always sceptical about this) – I don’t drink. I am a terrible drinker. I seldom finish one drink. And recently I have developed an allergy to it. Hives and itch… awesome.
18. Contrary to popular beliefs II — I am not the confident bitch you think I am. I am badly scarred and battered that.. an extra ounce of confidence might actually save my life. And that… makes me an incredibly shy person. Unbelieveable but I am unbelievably shy, which… is often mistaken for arrogance(when you stay quiet) or bimbotism(saying something wrong)
18. I am a cheenah girl at heart, I love the language but am too lazy to type it on the computer cos…
19. .. My thoughts run faster than what I type, and i ended up saying a lot of things that are damn random, or have the exact opposite meaning the way I meant it to be.
20. I didn’t swear, smoke, got pregnant till I was 25(ha! ha! ha!). 25 is the new 15!
21. I have a quirky sense of reasoning… sense of humour. I am quirky. Period.
22. I have the worst short-termed memory. Strangely, my long-termed memory still awes myself and plenty of others.
23. I always give up. Be it relationships, hobbies, life, stuff… because I am afraid of the greater sense of failure and utter incompetency upon feeling the slightest bit of it. Strangely, most of the things people perceived as diffiicult, were perhaps the easiest for me to deal with plenty of resilience. I don’t reason it quite as same as everyone.
24. At my slimmest in adulthood, I was 29-21-30. The guy I was dating then can verify I was a big eater.
25. I naively think there is actually innocence in me that is untainted. I still believe.
And strangely I thought of so much more things to type but I shall keep it at 25. Haha.
***
MY WEAKNESS:
A tie between the words “trust me” and my very bad back.

2. MY OVERUSED PHRASE
Recently is “sibei sian”

3. DO YOU SMOKE?
Occasionally.

4. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA
chocolate, baybeh.

5. DO YOU SWEAR
I am a lady. A vuglar one.

6. HAVE YOU BEEN IN LOVE
Thankfully yes.

7. DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS
I get along with dad.

8.NUMBER OF PIERCINGS
2.

9. DO YOU THINK YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE
Never.

10. EVER BEEN CALLED A TEASE
Giggles. Always.

11. HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE
Old and wrinkly… loved and remembered.

12. NUMBER OF TATTOOS
no have yet.

13. FAVORITE SPORT
running. or diving if it is a sport.

14. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, YOU USE TO…..
be innocent.

15. FAVORITE CARTOON AS A CHILD.
carebears

16. IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU DRANK ALCOHOL
HAHAHAHA. No.

17. IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU BEEN ON DRUGS
Plenty. Been sick most of Jan.

18. IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU SMOKED
Yes.

19. IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU GONE ON A DATE
Waiting for the invite.

20. FAVORITE CANDY BAR
Milo bar

21. FAVORITE COLOR
Scarlet

22. FAVORITE FLOWER
Red/white roses.

23. MY WEIGHT
49kg

24. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
Do I even believe in love? Then again, no, I believe love at first sight gives room for comtempt down the road. and your eyes often lie too much.

25. DREAM VACATION
Backpacking in Italy

26. WHAT CAN’T YOU LIVE WITHOUT.
Oxygen.

27. ONCE I GOT DRUNK AND……
I don’t ever get drunk.

Fuck. Fine. I needed a colleague to clean my puke.

28. FAVORITE SCENT
Baby’s smeel.

29. DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF
Been trying.

30. I AM ADDICTED TO…..
mahjong.

31. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ANYONE
seriously?

32. THE LONGEST YOU’VE GONE WITHOUT SLEEP.
not more than 48 hours.

33. DEFINE YOURSELF IN 3 WORDS.
absolutely no idea.

34. ARE YOU TICKLISH
Giggles. uh huh uh huh.

35. FAVORITE ICE-CREAM
chocolate

36. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH
a small and soft kkj. Did I say that?

37. WHEN I AM SAD OR DOWN, I …..
become a hermit.

38. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD.
Aboslutely.

39. KISSES OR HUGS
Hugs

40. ARE YOU A VERY EMOTIONAL PERSON.
No lah. Not at all. Where got. Don’t believe anyone else who try to convince you otherwise

41. DO YOU GOSSIP
Of course! Hahaha.

42. DO YOU PROCRASTINATE.
If i don’t i wouldn’t be doing this right now.

43. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK
Friday night, is the night, feeling all right, yeah yeah.

44. DO YOU WHINE
I torture people with it.

45. DO YOU COOK.
If I have to, if I want to.

46. DO YOU FIDGET
All the time.

47. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST.
Too many to name.

48. WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST.
Comfort. Not the cab.

***
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No… Such cheenah name is just.. bland.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Not something I allow myself to remember

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It is unruly, unpredictable, wild, antisocial, horrible, unrbirdled. just like me. of cos i hate it. but i like my cheenah handwriting.

4. DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND? IF NO, WOULD YOU WANT ONE?
Yes. Li Yen, my lawfully wedded mahjong wife. Seriously singlehood is awesome.

5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU
Uhm, if I were another weirdo… of course!

6. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Seriously, like I would harm anyone with sarcasm. It is so not me. Like totally.

7. HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE IN A COUPLE OF YEARS? (REALISTICALLY PLEASE)
Happy. With goals, with a house for Minibean. And, friends I love to stay around. Oh, and rid of toxic ones.

8. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I always think I wouldn’t.. but never say never.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Love the banana nut crunch and frosties!

10. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I won’t wear shoes with laces. too.

11. WOULD YOU MOVE AGAIN?
Yes. Can’t wait to.

12. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
If they are observer, wallflower, or just soulless.

13. RED OR PINK?
Hello… there’s a reason why the name is Scarlet-t

14. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORlTE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Everything. The uselessness, the ugreeness.. the… incompetency.. just… for being myself, and does that spell low self esteem too?

15. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Innocence.

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Old me.(wah lau miss 4DL machiam I copy your answer like that)

17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Doesn’t matter.

18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Blue jeans and rainbow Nikes(which Minibean has a pair too!)

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Creep fading… and going onto Angels or Devils. Awesome songs lah.

20.WHAT ANNOYS YOU THE MOST?
Selfishness.

21. FAVORITE SMELLS?
You know the way babies always smell powdery?

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My mum.

23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Bo bian, mus say yes.

24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Soccer and swimming. Soccer best if LIVE at the stadium ;)

25. HAIR COLOR?
Brown…

26. EYE COLOR?
Black

27. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAJOR REGRETS?
I do. Always do. But I move on.

28. FAVORITE FOOD?
Pasta

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED, AND WITH WHOM?
Twilight. Brian.

31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Pink tee.

32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter!

33. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs

34. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
to others’ spite.

35. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
when reading.

36. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Norwegian Wood

37. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
No have mouse pad.

38. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Nothing.

39.WHAT LITTLE THING MAKES YOU HAPPY?
Minibean.

40. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Neither.

41. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
London.

42. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Oh… that you have to find out. ;)

Wait a min..i realised i didn’t finish the note

43 WHERE WERE U BORN?
Johor, somewhere in a private clinic that did baby smuggling

44. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
no one.

45. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Hahahaha in mambo, baybeh!

 

****

I am not sure if I should tag anyone, cos am not aware who is even reading.

So let me do something different.

If you are reading this and feel like it, tell me 5 things about me, and 5 things about yourself.

Posted in Senseless Quickies | 15 Comments »

Weekend? What weekend?

February 1st, 2009 by admin

The hormones are playing up and I feel myself easily manipulated by everything that’s going on around me.

The moroseness fills me up once in a while, and I realise how it is harder to deal with it, as compare to.. angst.

Like, how I could feel the tears welling up at the edge, and immediately the stone, hard front walled up pretty quickly again, and I reacted, without hiding the impatience in my voice. That seemed like the most natural thing to do.

Alas, it was perhaps a stupid thing to do, if you know who I did it to. Giggles.

***

It is no surprise that the fatigue of the week overwhelmed me so much that I reached home on Friday trembling, and I attributed the weakness to the lack of food.

I felt much better after a home-cooked meal.

I struggled to stay awake in front of my Xbox 360, and before I knew it, I was concussed out before I could enjoy my long  night ahead.

****

I am such a boring person these days I might well be a hermit or something.

This month, though a short one, will be one with careful budgeting after a planning screw-up the last(which also shrunk my parents’ ang baos by half) which saw me holding my breath to wait for Chinese New Year to be over so the new month will start.

It will probably be the same as Jan, where lunch is a no-no, flagging cab is a no-no, and shopping should be avoided like plague. I will want to eat in as much as possible though it is unlikely as my parents are bringing Minibean overseas this month.

Good news is I probably have enough work to keep myself busy, like how it had done so over this weekend.

Or I could perhaps hone my gaming skills so I can last a game longer when playing online with other people.

***

I shall end this abruptly to give my Xbox 360 some TLC and attention.

I wish I could find it within me to blog more, without censorship, or without the self-imposed restrictor of emotions-filtering.

But I guess, a part of me is really refusing myself the rights to crumble and die.

Posted in Life's Fillers | 1 Comment »
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