Archive for February, 2009

The show – Lenka

February 18th, 2009 by admin

Since I am in a chirpy mode, I shall post a chirpy song!

I’m just a little bit
caught in the middle
Life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
I can’t do it alone
(I’ve tried)
and I don’t know why

Slow it down
make it stop
or else my heart is going to pop
‘cuz it’s too much
Yeah, it’s a lot
to be something I’m not

I’m a fool
out of love
‘cuz I just can’t get enough

I’m just a little bit
caught in the middle
Life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
I can’t do it alone
(I’ve tried)
and I don’t know why

I am just a little girl
lost in the moment
I’m so scared
but don’t show it
I can’t figure it out
it’s bringing me down
I know
I’ve got to let it go
and just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
in the sky
just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
and synchronize in time
It’s a joke
Nobody knows
they’ve got a ticket to that show
Yeah

I’m just a little bit
caught in the middle
Life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go
I can’t do it alone
(I’ve tried)
and I don’t know why

I am just a little girl
lost in the moment
I’m so scared
but don’t show it
I can’t figure it out
it’s bringing me down
I know
I’ve got to let it go
and just enjoy the show

oh oh
Just enjoy the show
oh oh

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

Posted in Making Sense of Life | 1 Comment »

Stop asking

February 18th, 2009 by admin

The first time the ring was presented to me, was in mid November.

He almost begged. But nothing. I remembered it thundered bad that day.

There was another gift of a necklace which came along that day.

Then came the actual proposal, with the help of the family.

Nothing.

So all the tears and the begging for me to wear the ring.

Still, nothing.

How do you say yes to something with nothing concrete, nor worked out, it is like investing in a property without seeing plans, blueprints, finding out the developers.

I think I am heartless. But seriously, maybe I am just indifference.

Or maybe, my ESP is too strong and once too often proves me right.

Posted in Boys are Evil | 6 Comments »

Facts in the midst of the fog

February 18th, 2009 by admin

One of the few funny things I heard recently is… “She can’t hold a candle to you in bed.”

“Of the 5 times I fucked her, 3 times I went soft and I couldn’t be bothered continuing.”

“I have never ever said I love her, cos I never would, cos I never did.”

Uhm… is something wrong with the equation there?

Wifey and I can thump chest together.

***

People ask why am I so drama with my decisions. If only they see struggles within of wanting to believe, wanting to trust, yet the fear of disappointment. And thus, my fear of commitment, to come to a decision, because… how do you do so to someone you can never really trust? How can you learn to take the plunge?

There seem to be a trend these days. I have been there, thus the sympathy.

Insecurities, don’t we have them all? Don’t we try to exorcise them all? Don’t we get lost in them all?

Word plays are not meant for me. Evasiveness and a shy of question. Don’t tell me how the words spoken to her were you talking about me, but she took it out of context thinking you meant her… and you didn’t want to correct her. Not only you humiliated her, you humiliated everyone.

I have been there. I labelled myself a slut once too many times.

Self-righteousness that no one believes.

Facts. There are no facts. Facts are what we individually see, not what people want us to see.

Those are what you think are your facts. I saw what are my facts. He thought what he thinks are facts. She believed what she thought are facts. Some of you assumed what are facts, others dissect the facts.

So, no, I cannot see your facts in the midst of the fog.

So, no, it is not no choice for anyone of us. We all have. And we have to make ours.

There are no facts, even if there are, there are no principles behind them anymore.

I found my facts when they fell into place together. She remember you swore. So how are you gonna twist your words round this time?

One day he will find his. Someday you will find yours.

And I am clinging to my dear life for them, and never shall I forget them.

***

I lied last night.

It felt damn good to be lying… and it was queer as I struggled to lie. Like it doesn’t feel right. It took many minutes when I did so.

Yet there is this thing about us, we learn and pick up things fast, whatever it takes to survive.

I have lived mine, and will continue to do so, and I will feel damn good about it.

Posted in I bite! | 4 Comments »

Crumbles

February 18th, 2009 by admin

I crumbled, and I died.

And it bled.

Oh gosh, did I bleed.

It tasted sweet, it tasted fine. No pain, no hurt, no nothing.

All that was left, was an empty shell.

I don’t believe, I should never had believed.

Posted in Mental Mutilation | No Comments »

Brides-to-be

February 17th, 2009 by admin

Yesterday, I have 3 friends confirming with me their wedding dates, all happening this very year.

And amid all the cooing and sounds of congrats, I met up with the noisy bunch of “old” friends at Vivocity, with the bride-to-be very, very late.

Nonetheless, it was a rowdy, hilarious meet up, where we reminisced all of our old school memories, and even recalling where everyone was seated.

I was able to name everyone and even pointed out where they sat, and who they sat next to.

It was darn nostalgic and we all laughed crazily as we recalled an ex-classmate of ours and his famous “sun is shining” stunt, which involves him sticking his fingers up his shorts, and scratching his balls throughout the day.

We even spoke of the silly things we did, the silly nicknames we endured, the horrendous memories..

… and even the crushes, which led to the confession of my long-time crush of.. Mr KG, which spanned over a decade.

And I realised I was close to almost everyone in my class at one point of my life or another.

It was.. bittersweet.

They joked, “We, sit in front ones were so innocent, don’t know why you guys at the back were the naughty ones.”

I said candidly, “Yah what, we so happening, all have kids first one!” (a neighbour classmate had a son shortly after Minibean was borned)

We bitched spoke about everyone and anyone, though sometimes I turned coy for there are taboo topics I shied away from. I also know how to be shy one okay? Especially when it concerns a certain Mr Anthony.

And it was an evening to remember. I laughed hard.

And it is good to be meeting up with a bunch of unassuming, awesome and non-judgemental people.

And before we knew it, we are all part of the “jie-meis” for a wedding in September.

It is going to be one hellava wedding.

Posted in Collage of Words | No Comments »

Be well

February 17th, 2009 by admin

It was a strange day when I decided to message him.

How ironic cos exactly a year before then, it could have been a turning point.

But like all things, fate intervened.

Impossible, but true, I got a response I didn’t expect.

Today, we finally got to chat. It was a tirade of questions and whys and anger that never took shape.

It was a sense of panic, a sense of…. I don’t know, relief.. yet plenty of confusion.

And then, there was fear he would suddenly disappear.

Isn’t it strange? It was a strange, strange feeling. That.. the person could suddenly slip away.. when he chooses to, and you have no idea when he will appear.

Even a “talk to you soon” is so filmsy.. and you feel a renewed sense of loss when the name fades away from online.

There. You lost contact again.

Take care my friend, take care.

We wish we could have shared your worries.

Posted in Making Sense of Life | No Comments »

Impossibly restless

February 16th, 2009 by admin

I fell into a nap at 7.30pm last night, and woke up only at 11pm.

Which translate into the fact that I didn’t manage to fall asleep till 4am.

And I think with the state of confusion I am perpetually in a state in, I have dwell deeper into life and its issues all the more these days.

I was talking to a friend who got married. I was talking to another friend who dumped a friend.

And it was funny as I thought back of many people just couple of days ago. People who came and went. People who might not even remember me as part of their lives before.. and I chewed on the memories they left me with.

Wifey told me I am soft, which pretty much explains and describes(Wifey! You are like the kkjs in your life, exclaims Effy) the men in my life physically(ROOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!), and the reason behind the fickle-mindedness of when to chuck someone outta my life.

When do you chuck someone out? When you realise the hippo crispy KFC is too lardy to force down your throat?

Okay, hypocrisy(nb, I keep typing hypocrispy), I meant.

Or when your friends become too dodgy for you to share your lives with?

Or when the passion runs out and the love runs dry.. even towards your family, and closest friends?

Or when the mutual trusts between people closest to you dwindle to bare nothing?

And then I realise what is my problem.

I am “quite” principled. Okay, don’t get started on double standard and all, but sometimes the crux of the matter is often the principle behind each issue, rather than the episode. It is hard to explain. It is either you get it, or you don’t.

It is like you don’t like a person because he is cold to a needy, helpless elderly, it is not that he didn’t help, but it is because he is just essentially inconsiderate. You know what I mean?

So with the principles, the fatal mistake is, I seldom listen to warnings.

As much as I am a pessimist, there is this strange, queer little optimist in me, who still wants to believe.

The reason behind, is probably like what Oscar Wilde had said “The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror.”

Upon dissection, I love too easily, yet I am always in love with the people(sorry, I don’t love the men I in relationship with, yet I love and adore friends as much I am brilliant in losing them) whom insecure people shouldn’t.

I could be honest and upfront, yet at the same time, I can’t bother to be upfront.

And when it is time to be upfront, that is when tolerance bleeds dry, and it will be words of goodbye, and not words of remedy.

At the end of it, what difference would it make if I had been more emotionless and cut off from the beginning.

Some people can cut off, I find it hard within me to do so.

Anyway.

Having said that, there is no point in this post except for the fact I am terribly restless.

I can’t concentrate without thinking of 101 things in my mind.

Yet the only safe thing I can find within myself to do these days are safe, indoor, cosy mahjong.

Where I could just wallow in my world, and not feel threatened and scared.

I need my moments of madness, and boy, do I have some in mind.

I am jaded enough to want to get married. To get over and done with, to….. just… I don’t know.

I mean, there is nothing such as perfection, so why bother to be deluded into thinking there is, ended up being grossly disappointed and have a huge part of your esteem chip off you?

Why do we go through the same routine everytime to realise they are all essentially the same?

I think my mind needs to rest or else I will thinking of 1001 things and still no closer to the answers I need for them all.

Posted in The Dreamer Within | 2 Comments »

How bizarre

February 15th, 2009 by admin

He is cute. He is only 13. He looks only 8. She looks like his mother. Has he even hit puberty yet? Apparently yes.

The world is becoming a strange, strange place.

Then again, if he doesn’t look as young as he is, will the public uproar be so strong?

Posted in Senseless Quickies | No Comments »

Plunging into absolute darkness

February 15th, 2009 by admin

Whatever day that comes with a “happy” in front of its greeting seems eternally cursed. Well, at least for me.

This week been one I have been awfully deprived of sleep. To the extend by the time I went to bed on Friday, it didn’t take much for me to just doze off and missed the alarm. I still woke up pretty tired.

It started with work, and by the time I got home at almost 5pm(at least I had a nice lunch with a very pleasant “date”), I was to take a quick nap before heading out for a steamboat dinner at 7.30pm.

It was almost 8.15pm when I woke up and my world plunged into total darkness.

It was a night I would hardly want to remember.

I changed, and I sat there, not moving.

For a long while.

I hid under the duvet, and then I stripped.

I didn’t see light for the entire evening… and I sat/lie there, in the darkness.

Not even trips to the loo, or to the kitchen to get an occasion drink got me to the switch.

The solitary was further enhanced by the fact my internet was down since Thursday night. The withdrawal didn’t hit me that hard, though it felt my life was slowly ebbing away in a way I never knew. Ha. Ha.

The technician was here today to diagnose a fused connection somewhere, which prompted me to remove the stuff from the store.

I could have watched CSI, but I didn’t.

An SMS came in. I couldn’t remember how long, or how many times, but it was good to finally break down and sob like a baby throughout the night.

As it usually does, it ended on a relatively calm note, though as it seems and feels to me that, nothing ever really changed.

Posted in Mental Mutilation | No Comments »

For the love of Street Fighter IV..

February 13th, 2009 by admin

All gaming fans wouldn’t miss the launch of one of the most loved titles of all time… 20 years of Street Fighter already!

I remember how “hot” the title was with the boys in my primary school back then, and the stamp of “20 years anniversary” on the pretty poster kinda made me feel a little morose….

I am getting old. Boohoo.

Many of the games are already sold out despite the title’s expensive price tag.

And since it is Valentines’ day tomorrow… here is something for all you Street Fighter IV fans out there who loves Chun Li…

So hot.

Have a great one everyone, and that you will escape Friday the 13th unscathed.

And yes, I already know the dirty little secret.

Posted in Collage of Words | 2 Comments »
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