I fell into a nap at 7.30pm last night, and woke up only at 11pm.

Which translate into the fact that I didn’t manage to fall asleep till 4am.

And I think with the state of confusion I am perpetually in a state in, I have dwell deeper into life and its issues all the more these days.

I was talking to a friend who got married. I was talking to another friend who dumped a friend.

And it was funny as I thought back of many people just couple of days ago. People who came and went. People who might not even remember me as part of their lives before.. and I chewed on the memories they left me with.

Wifey told me I am soft, which pretty much explains and describes(Wifey! You are like the kkjs in your life, exclaims Effy) the men in my life physically(ROOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!), and the reason behind the fickle-mindedness of when to chuck someone outta my life.

When do you chuck someone out? When you realise the hippo crispy KFC is too lardy to force down your throat?

Okay, hypocrisy(nb, I keep typing hypocrispy), I meant.

Or when your friends become too dodgy for you to share your lives with?

Or when the passion runs out and the love runs dry.. even towards your family, and closest friends?

Or when the mutual trusts between people closest to you dwindle to bare nothing?

And then I realise what is my problem.

I am “quite” principled. Okay, don’t get started on double standard and all, but sometimes the crux of the matter is often the principle behind each issue, rather than the episode. It is hard to explain. It is either you get it, or you don’t.

It is like you don’t like a person because he is cold to a needy, helpless elderly, it is not that he didn’t help, but it is because he is just essentially inconsiderate. You know what I mean?

So with the principles, the fatal mistake is, I seldom listen to warnings.

As much as I am a pessimist, there is this strange, queer little optimist in me, who still wants to believe.

The reason behind, is probably like what Oscar Wilde had said “The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror.”

Upon dissection, I love too easily, yet I am always in love with the people(sorry, I don’t love the men I in relationship with, yet I love and adore friends as much I am brilliant in losing them) whom insecure people shouldn’t.

I could be honest and upfront, yet at the same time, I can’t bother to be upfront.

And when it is time to be upfront, that is when tolerance bleeds dry, and it will be words of goodbye, and not words of remedy.

At the end of it, what difference would it make if I had been more emotionless and cut off from the beginning.

Some people can cut off, I find it hard within me to do so.

Anyway.

Having said that, there is no point in this post except for the fact I am terribly restless.

I can’t concentrate without thinking of 101 things in my mind.

Yet the only safe thing I can find within myself to do these days are safe, indoor, cosy mahjong.

Where I could just wallow in my world, and not feel threatened and scared.

I need my moments of madness, and boy, do I have some in mind.

I am jaded enough to want to get married. To get over and done with, to….. just… I don’t know.

I mean, there is nothing such as perfection, so why bother to be deluded into thinking there is, ended up being grossly disappointed and have a huge part of your esteem chip off you?

Why do we go through the same routine everytime to realise they are all essentially the same?

I think my mind needs to rest or else I will thinking of 1001 things and still no closer to the answers I need for them all.