I remember how a hangover feels like, and it feels like the migraine that is almost subsiding but not yet given up tormenting me.

Like a trespasser, invaded the space rudely and unexpectedly, created way too much chaos for my mind to bear, and stubbornly refused to leave.

And when it finally decided it had enough fun, it lost its way out.

***

I think the year of the Ox is jinxing me way too much, and 2009 is just a bad year thus far.

I am thinking about turning 28, and I realised how most of my birthdays have been quiet affairs. If you ask me, I would definitely have said…. I have always wanted one with a big bang, crazy party, lotsa friends, plenty of surprises and a darn awesome cake.

I remember I only had it once. It was my 23rd. At West Coast park.

And it just went downhill on there.

I always think my life is one that…. can’t have too much of a good thing, it seems like I always have to bleed more, just to have a moment of goodness.

It seems like nothing good stays in my life long enough… and what I thought was good, might just ended up as a nightmare.

Is it why I became such a paranoia, whenever something fantastic falls into my way? That I am actually afraid of being happy, and would gladly deprive myself the chance to me.

Because as much as it seems like 200% to be better, it will end up costing me 600%?

It is like I can buy this at a steal today, going through all the trouble looking for this great deal, but somehow something will happen, and I would end up spending the same amount anyway.

I make my special black crayon the most fashionable accessory I adore.

Like I said, never perfect. I know people say never say never, but when it comes to “perfection” and “change”, it could almost be chain-balled to “Never” – Never perfect, change never stops.

All my life, I pondered upon that question. I am good today, but what will it cost me tomorrow, the next time?

Maybe that’s why because when I am exceptionally strong when I am down and out, because I would be relieved, thinking that maybe by the time I accumulated and inherited all these negativity, the postive things wouldn’t be too far ahead… or that I wouldn’t have fear of losing.

I believe there is a balance in life, people just pay for it in different ways. Your good karma will be returned in other ways, in multiple folds.

I just didn’t believe that rule on myself. I believe I always have to compensate with more bad karmaphala, in order to redeem my good karamphala.

I could plan, I could avoid, I could control… still, it doesn’t make any differences.

I think I must have been a really bad person in my past life, if there was ever one.

It  is a strange feeling, that everytime something good happens, I will have that cloud that forbade the storm looming…

Like say, finding a dodgy hotel receipt in a boyfriend’s room just after you guys have the most fantastic anniversary celebration.

Like say, finding a letter of sudden dismissal because of global downsizing right after the week you get a promotion and pay raise.

Like say, winning a free trip to Europe, only to break your leg as you tumble down the stairs, or being robbed of all your fortunes, which either will cost you more than the trip already did.

Like….. having the most heart-achingly beautiful baby, and you wonder if she will grow up hating you, resenting you, loving others more….

Like…. having a new boyfriend and then somehow you will lose a very close friend.

Like…. having McDee’s and flowers, and then, absolute silence, and even more constrasted loneliness.

Or even, when a mahjong kaki treats you dinner, and you wonder if the act is something you gotta pay heavily for the very evening. Laughs. 

Speaking of which, I swear, swear, swear, the last time I won the most, I had a sudden bad omen. It just came and washed me for that brief 3 seconds. I actually felt… guilty(sorry peeps, I very selfish, guilty for myself hahahaha!), that, what is the price I have to pay for winning this?

I got my answer lor!

Though I might have gotten a bit of bad luck accumulation that I was given the red mouse I wanted to get when my mini-mouse died on me this morning.

But I think I gotten used to the small-ness of it(some things are better off big though), that what looks really good and perfect.. just doesn’t quite fit into my comfort zone.

I probably don’t make sense.

But as I watched the music video of Leaving on a Jetplane… I just wanna head home to hide and nurse that bloody migraine of mine.

And… what price will you pay…?