How far can you take the truth?

I honestly can say I am not someone who can handle the truth well despite a relentless pursue for them.

I would want to know, and test my limits as I cool myself, telling myself that if I want the truth, I must be able to handle them.

I once killed my old self because I knew too much, I probed too much.

Sometimes having a pretty sharp intuition may not be a good thing, cos there is no bliss as there is no such thing as ignorance. There might be, for a while, but that just builds the anger you have cos eventually, you wonder why it took you so long to find out.

I am not sure how far I can go. I am not sure the physical truth hurts, or the principle behind the truth hurts more. To me, the principle definitely hurts more… I think I overcompensated the immense emotions I once had towards such incidents, to the point that, I will just emotionlessly, walk. Away.

Like the person who…. I recently thought of. The incident at Zouk. Sometimes I wonder if I had cut myself off far too fast, far too emotionless.

Snap of fingers, was all it took.

It kinda made me regret a little, cos I love to keep friends… and yet I often realise being.. ahem, *add… ic…tive*, it doesn’t really work and require more extreme effort.

And I am not sure if I have already lost the friend. He has been in my mind a lot, because at the base of it, I still very much am concern about him as a friend.

But that’s the story of my life. People come and go, come and go. I drift. Once too often. To the point I forgot how to settle.

To the point, I forgot how to believe.

To the point, I forgot how to… live.

I remember the spark I used to have, the zeal, the passion. Oh God, how I used to have abundant passion, and I danced. Well, not really, but you know, figuratively(Think the song “I hope you dance”).

Now, I turn cold, and my wall can come up like automated shutters.

Yet I know I still have plenty of empathy within me to know there are things I will walk away and never look back, cos I know how potentially hurtful and devastating they can be.

I once heard a story of used-to-be friend who was close to my heart, that how he had called his then girlfriend, and by an absolute twist of fate, to hear her having sex with another.

I remember that moment when he related the story to me. He didn’t hang up, he said. I felt really, really painful for him. I couldn’t even imagine the pain.

I wonder how could someone do that to him.

I was angry.

I was.. I don’t know.

And if it was you.. how would you feel? To be reminded what was once yours no longer belongs to you? And to be reminded of it, when you were at your most devastated, when you were looking for some sort of solace through a phone call?

I don’t know.

It will kill me. And I will walk. Because I cannot bear the pain. And if I was the girl, I would walk, because I wouldn’t want to put anyone through that, and my first reaction will be to clam up, and turn cold. I will, cos I don’t want to feel the guilt.

Either way, my threshold is maxed.

What if one day, when you are left on your own to your partner’s computer… and you see things you shouldn’t?

I remember one of the very thing me and an ex once quarrelled cos we chanced upon a private video clip on a friend’s computer. Not his girlfriend.

I used to be so judgmental that I remember it was 3rd day of Chinese New Year, and we had such a big fight, because I thought what the friend did was wrong, and I was disgusted with my ex making a joke out of it, like it was natural guy-thing to do.

I wonder how angry, and heartbroken I would be, if I were the girlfriend, and saw the clip.

Even if it was an ex-girlfriend of his. I don’t care.

Maybe in my state of denial, I have wished that intimacy to be exclusively mine.

Is that the same feeling of when I see the pictures of ex-dates of guys I seeing? Even just happy faces, to a memorable place, to a shared secret location, to mark a particular occasion… those are enough to rouse jealousy in me sometimes… so.. what if, the pictures chanced upon are those… you wished you never see, yet can’t resist to stare at them a little longer than usual just to test your own threshold.

I don’t know. I will walk if I was the girlfriend.

So the images will not haunt me, ever.

I shouldn’t give chance to such, cos as much as I think I can control myself well, I don’t think I can control when things will creep into my mind without me knowing.

I don’t even want to make the effort to control it anymore, cos I know.. how tiring it is to fight internally, and to struggle.

Where was that fighting spirit I used to have?

I know not, anymore.

I am superbly emo today I think. I am laughing and going on pretty strong, feeling pretty upbeat, and getting through work with absolute breeze.

An impending meeting in just minutes.. and everything is good.

I finally got the song I have been looking for. The moment it played(thank you ), I have my eyes filled with tears.

I feel a heaviness within, which I am trying to wave away.

Trying.

Still trying.

Walk.

Just walk.