Greetings, from Thailand.
I am here in Phuket, in search for my peace, but it never occured to me how ironic it is.
Nonetheless, am absolutely looking forward to my dives, and as much as there are plans for countdown party at the beach, I ain’t sure if I am up for it.
I am happy to see baby before I left, and I miss her terribly already.
She went for the Kelong trip but was too scaredy cat to go on a boat. Giggles.
Wah, this occasion really special, you know?
10 years ago, I kinda helped this couple get together when they were mere teenagers. Today, both are already doctors, and still one of the nicest couples I have ever known.
And yes, Wenwei and Huina finally walked down the aisle over the weekend.
I was invited to both weddings(Singapore and JB) since I was tasked with the awful awesome role to be their emcee…. well, only for the mandarin part, of course.
Of course, I have received responses from people who were like, “Er… you speak cheeenaaaaahhh meh?”
Or, the meaner ones, like Norman, would say, “Wah lau!?! What in the hell were they thinking? They are allowing you to screw their wedding like that?”
And during rehearsals, I had cheekier improvised my own version of “JB style emceeing” which was so fabulous that the groom had issued a threat serious enough for me not break into fake JB accent on stage.
Well, I don’t think I react well to an entire bottle of alcohol, thus I behaved myself on stage.
And the wedding over the 2 days were tiring, but wonderously awesome. I caught up with people I haven’t met in years, and getting to know people who had been acquaintances for the past 20 years(cough, and even see the bare butt of someone from mirror’s reflection, and OHMYFREAKINGGOSHPLEASETELLMEIDIDN’T the cough kkj of someone from someone else’s computer. HAHAHAHAHA!).
I hink I am becoming one of the chaps.
It was… nice(the catching up!). Tiring like hell though.
Cos the day before the Saturday’s wedding, I was having my usual mahjong night with the others(wah my biggest winning ever in my mahjong career – $420), and I had thought I would perhaps sleep in late and wake at 5pm.
I checked my email before I slept and realised meet up time is 2pm lor!! I only fell asleep at 7am-ish?
And all are a good bunch of people who know how to have fun.
I was invited for the religious ceremony the next day, which I was really hoping to skip to get more rest(I had to wake up at 8am after sleeping at 2.30am the night before! On a weekend!), but it was honestly the sweetest part of the wedding.
I swear I was on the brink of tearing.. and I know one day, I will one day want to let me dad give me away in a church, and I even already thought of the pastor I would like to have around to officiate my wedding.
It was… awfully sweet.
And I can only imagine my own, if I ever do… you know, get hitched.
“When the bride comes in and she makes her giant grand entrance, I like to glance back at the poor bastard getting married. Cause even though I think he’s an idiot for willingly entering into the last legal form of slavery, he always looks really, really happy.”
Thanks both, for the invitation for the ceremony, it meant a lot to me. 
Much pictures and stories to share, one of which is like how when I was ferried to the restaurant in JB yesterday(wah lau, the jitters could kill me, to speak in front of 1000+ people), TTY started talking about my blog, and Wenwei and Andrew were amused.
Then, when the reception started evening when I was running around and getting my preparations done before going on stage… someone came up to me, “You are Ting of joewei.net?”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In JB!!! SO SHY!!!
*Waves* Hi there! I am very shy in person, really. But it was great meeting you
And I think I got overzealous with the yam sengs. Hahaha.
And I survived the 2 nights without screwing their wedding up! Thank God!
You have no idea how nervous I was, trying so hard NOT to screw their big days up. Well, you know I am just prone to… mistakes. Hurhur. In fact the first day they say I can try voiceover professionally(or those sleazy chatlines.. you know, no need see faces one hahaha), but I decided it is only because they are all bananas!
Oh the jazz band has such good rapport that it helped with our emceeing last night. Whee!
And here’s wishing the lovely couple to many more drunk nights ahead, lotsa bliss, plenty of happiness, and a big family(eh, go give birth to a future male doc for my Minibean to date next time!
It was a nice Christmas, and I bet she enjoyed every, single bit of it.
But the story of my life goes such that, there is no such thing as pure, undiluted happiness, and fate will have something in place round the corner just to taint it.
Like, how I am feeling slightly weak and unwell for whatever reason.
Like, how I am looking forward to quite a number of things to finish at work tomorrow(yes, checking email right now to mentally prepare myself, laughs).
I just wish everyone happiness, and good health.
Christmas is special to me, though I didn’t wake up in time to bring Charissa to church today(that little one is so high from last night she didn’t sleep till 3.30am, and woke up at 1.30am, only because we roused her to).
Somehow, there is lingering sense of moroseness every this time of the year.
I guess, I just gotta learn how to be happy, and be self-sufficient.
And thanks to my mahjong kakis, whose enthusiasm brought the game to whole new level. And hilarious antics brought much smiles for this festive season.
But I can’t have the heart to say “Win big ah!” cos… if you are my regulars, you probably will be winning mine.
And oh. Congrats to Johnson and Maybelle, who tied the knot last night. This absolutely adorable couple is a match made in Playworks, and came a long way.
Of course, knowing how they have been there for me and baby, and how they are one of the nicest people I know… means that I could at least be less cynical about how true bliss could exist.
Be happy, you two, always!
I am very, very impressed with myself.
I have never shopped the way I did today and I am very impressed.
I had intended to do my Christmas shopping way earlier, but of course with the distraction of boys, mahjong, baby, wifey, work and the likes, I never quite gotten down to doing anything.
Then, it is now of never.
It should have been yesterday but after picking up a jacket and a new book for myself(I am selfish!!!), I scooted off town for a game of mahjong that lasted…. 10 hours.
Seriously.
Though it was interrupted by “Mama carreeeeeee” and “Mama faa chaiiii” “Mama anggg tiooongggg”, or “Bird bird!”
Work been unusually hectic(okay, fine, I have been unusually paranoid as well) these days, but somewhat peaceful cos it seems like the flow of it means something is moving forward and everything been pretty.. smooth.
And now I can venture into the holiday season, a bit chilled.
***
Oh. Speed shopping.
I have so many paper bags hanging off my shoulders, wrists, fingers, arms…. that I was breathless as I sashayed up and down Orchard.
So much sale!
I went into Gucci to get something for my dad.. and I ended up doing, “Hmm.. which one huh?”
I ended up saying, “Okay, I want this, this and this.”
Then I walked into the store again just before I wanted to leave for my office(after lunch time).
Then I walked into the store again!!!
I am the kind who like to plan what I wanna get, and I will just walk in, and buy.
I did that twice yesterday.
I did that again today. “This one, new one. Got discount? Okay. Thanks!”
So I think I managed to get around 18 items within an hour, spanning from different part of Orchard.
I am most impressed by myself, I tell ya.
Of course being credit-card happy means… I am now a very broke person.
And I haven’t even gotten the little one anything yet! I am such a choosy mum.
She has destroyed all the books she owns, and the trick is to get something that will keep her attention and is easy to pack(wah!!! Lego are hard to pack man! And she loves to thrown them around! Grr…).
When I finished my shopping today, I started thinking to myself why I never quite could bear to part with the moolah for myself.
But like I said, I love Christmas, and the cool weather kinda make me a more mushy-mellowy person who feels the need to love the world(yeah, right), oh alright… love the world in the cynical way I always do.
And just when I thought I could give my pocket a break.. I am just reminded that I am attending 3 weddings this week.
Oh joy of joy. But seriously, it is filled with such abundant joy that it makes a PMS-sy bitch like me strangely annoyed and sick of the saccharinely sweet bliss.
Like seriously, what is wrong with these people?
Of course, if you know me well, I am in plenty of denial. PMS-sy bitch doesn’t like to admit there is joy in the world when she is internally cooing and swooning how sweet everything is….
And there is nothing more annoying that to be caught in such a struggle.
Minibean is back in my arms today
I sat her on my lap at night and went through pictures we have taken for the past one year… perhaps like, a conclusion to a good year we share.
(Though she had unceremoniously kicked the drawer closed with my hand and fingers still stuck in between, I am lucky to walk away with no broken bones)
We were going through her 2nd year birthday pictures, and as I scrolled along, she suddenly squealed, “Jiejie! Auntie!”
I reversed back to that very picture, with Effy, Potato and Jiali and me holding Minibean.
So which one is Jiejie and which one is auntie, I asked.
She pointed to the first one of the left, and went, “Auntie!”
Then.
“Jiejie!”
“Mummy!”
“Jiejie!”
Sorry Effy, you were the only auntie.
***
She is darn smart.
She is already learning Li Bai’s Jing Ye Si(you know, the one with chuang qian ming yue guang thingy?).
And she knows exactly which page to flip the book to, whenever she reads the poem. She will then point to the word as she reads.
(GASP!!!!!)
Today (she is fighting off my grasp as I am blogging this *grin*) she saw me, and she was happily shouting, “Mummy! I meeee(miss) youuuuuu!”
It is all it takes to melt my heart.
She is such a sweetheart. Though she doesn’t listen when I told her she can’t sit on the Lego horse.
I feel so much peaceful with her around, you know?
In other news, I bought my mum’s Christmas present from Espirit today.
One down, many more to go!
And.. it was an eventful Saturday.
And when your past and present caught up with you, you realise there is only so far you can run.
Giggles.
I can’t believe I have a girl-crush on you-know-who.
And his “father” and “brudders”.
Oh, one of his “brudders”(the quirky, curly-haired one, is actually born in Singapore! Like seriously, why we can’t seem to keep such cuties)?
Suddenly, losing a tan is the new in thing, and the pale, ethereal look is panties-wetting.
I am sure the signs were there when I was in the theatre when everytime he came on screen, you can hear the collective gasps.
The lady(not young girl, but those pretty decent looking executive one) who sat next to me had went alone, and she had her hand to her heart “awwwing”, “giggling”, and I swear her heart broke a million pieces(like many others) when their brand of heroin got hurt.
I swear in the beginning I was duly amused when you hear the gasps, squeals, oohs and ahhs.
The last time I had experienced this phenomenon, was when Legolas came on screen and I am not going to admit that I used to dig my fingernails in to the ex’s arm and grin “hamsup-ly” when I watched LOTR.
Having said that, I am a big LOTR fan and it is not because of Legolas alone.
So. The movie must be a comedy cos I remember laughing lots during the movie.
Like the part when I said out loudly in the cinema after being utterly annoyed by squealing girls, when he started… sparkling.
“Wah! Girls’ best friend leh!”
At the end of it, sibei sia suey.
I hate to admit it did rouse the hopeless romantic in me, and like in any other cases, I am in denial.
Cos I was starting to giggle to the thought of how delicate his touches must have felt like on my neck… how it feels like with him bringing me to the top of the tree to see the world.. how he is so man when he protects me…. And I got absolutely high thinking to myself, “you can inject your, uhm, venom into me, anytime, baybeh.”
Heart pom pom tiao you know?
Be still my heart… be still.
*Snaps back to reality*
But can I say his doctor father damn hot. Really!
And I think their selection of cast was… great. Everyone has a certain exotic draw…. and it pieces together a strangely nice movie without scary budgets.
I wish I can pitch like his short-haired sister.
The only reason why I walked out of Popular with a book in hand last evening(despite of 2 waiting cuties), is truly because it was on sale and only cost 10 bucks.
Not a very good idea when you are playing mahjong thereafter. Ahem.
And it has nothing to do with the fact that I got a book called Twilight.
The movie tie-in one by the way, cos the original no more.
But it is okay. My brand of heroin on the cover anyway.
I walked out into a very bright open today.
Which was, a nice surprise since the skies hadn’t been cleared for quite a while.
The cosy weather could explain the reason why I have been feeling the chills, and falling asleep much earlier these days, without any urge to even blog…
I can’t wait for my photoblog to be up, so I could leave all the talking to be done through pictures.
I am still frustrated with my limited capacity. Sometimes I wonder why do I get annoyed with myself this easily.
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I went out for supper on Sunday night in the light drizzle.
I saw someone from the past, someone whom I never met before.
Yet the moment I set my eyes on her, I know for sure, who she is.
Isn’t it strange how answers you looked for in the past… will eventually surface, and then you realise, lots of things that mattered then, don’t really matter now.
And the realization hit me too, that what matters to me today, could well mean nothing to me tomorrow. And sometimes, I should learn to let go easier, however painful it is for me now, I will recover, someday.
Does it really matter?
I reached home, spent some short me-time, before dozing off to anticipate the new week.
A week I know no what was in store for me.
***
I need to shop.
I need to shop for Christmas pressie.
Tomorrow is the secret santa thingy and I haven’t got anything for the….. person I suey suey lucky lucky picked.
My colleague who sits next to me asked me if I had gotten a gift, and she joked, as we went down in the lift, “Who you picked shouldn’t be that hard right…? XXX is it?”
I pouted and gave a resigned look.
Another ang moh colleague in the lift overheard the conversation and burst out laughing, while shaking his head.
SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
***
Monday was kickstarted with an unusual pace. By the time it was 4.30pm, I just packed and announced to my boss, “Okay, that’s enough for me for today. Going off.”
He laughed and bade me goodbye.
I was just glad I caught the train before it was flooded with the peak hour crowd. I needed the peace.
It was getting dark out there with the clouds shadowing.
I quickened my steps when I walked out of the MRT station.
It started raining just a step before I walked into the sheltered lobby. Talk about great timing.
The moment I got home, I did my liberating routine of stripping down to nothing, sashaying around the hall to pack some stuff, before I hopped into the showers to wash my hair.
I stepped out of showers feeling freshed, and left the house as dimly lit as it was(since it was raining slightly), and I felt a wave of compulsion washing over me.
So.
Dark washings go into the washing machine.
Glasses in the sink washed and scrubbed.
Shoes by the door put back into place.
Extra chair by the mahjong table went back to flank the dining table.
Out came the glass cleaner spray and I wiped 3 glass tables clean.
Clothes folded and packed into the middle room.
Stray plastic bags and boxes kept.
Magazines and newspaper to go into magazine rack after it was cleared of older magazines.
Toilet bowl scrubbed. I scrubbed it many times, but it doesn’t reach the places I want it to go. Bah. I need a new toilet brush.
I washed the floor, sink and even mopped the floor dry after my shower.
I cleared some stuff from my room.
Not ideal, still messy. But, I felt accomplished at the end of the evening as I sat down in the hall to watch television.
The Little Nonya show bored me to death. I tried to play the Xbox 360 but I didn’t quite manage to do so.
I switched on CSI: Miami.
I fell asleep halfway through.
I must be getting old.
It was a brand new day before I knew it.
***
Was pretty tired on a busy Tuesday.
Halfway trying to come up with something, I needed a break so much that I whipped out my camera and started snapping 2 pictures in the office.
And then I felt better and went back to work.
Am I weird or something?
***
Was pretty tired after work but was glad the day was survived.
Caught Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, and it reminded me of Before Sunrise, which itself is a compliment.
I don’t expect everyone to like it, but I did.
Headed home and caught In her shoes on Channel 5. It was good too.
I am becoming more and more boring as a person. Heh.
***
I was in the train today when I was trying to delete a music file.
I didn’t know how it happened, but I accidentally played it instead.
So there I was, standing there with music blasting out of my palm.
It was terribly embarrassing, and I was thinking coolly, “Well, they might just think it was an irritating ringtone” as I tried to fumble with the buttons to off it.
I couldn’t find the damn button, even after going in and out of applications.
Bah.
So in my utter state of panic(after the song was playing far too long..), I offed my phone.
I kept my head bowed throughout the train ride.
***
This Christmas is unusually quiet.
Though I have plans to bring Charissa to church on Christmas morning.
So.
Lotsa stuff happening to keep me busy till new year.
Like. Friday’s mahjong session.
Saturday’s I-will-try-to-convince-them-I-am-not-a-drinker night. And my long-time wish to check a particular place out.
And much more to happen in time to come.
Woohoo. Stay tuned.
With a Thursday spent shivering under my duvet, and my tummy feeling absolutely strange… it was spent with me drifting in and out of consciously for a better half of the day.
I was unusually grouchy feeling under the weather, and it ain’t helping when there were quite a load of things at the back of my mind I need to clear, gasp, before the holiday season.
I have been quite a wet blanket with my impending diving plans with Gills to do my advanced open water, with either too much worries of work at the back of my mind, or the fact that the vacay is taking place right at the most crucial peak of all things.
I felt bad when I had shot down the plans for live onboard the very moment it was suggested today. “Is the phone signals going to be any good? Cos it would mean no email, and I need at least contactable by phone.”
Mind you, though the phone call was in the afternoon, I had said that when I was semi-conscious in my sleep after a late night of mahjong.
I want also! I want to dive more too! But but but…. oh well, that’s an adult’s life isn’t it? Obligations, commitments, responsibilities.
I sooooo want cannnn *sulks*
I am just glad to be away for new year, since.. new year doesn’t quite mean much to me. It is just a day I wanna hide away.
As I get older, a new year is just as exciting as adding a new tab to a folder, to box up the previous year, so we know in which exact year we screw up/do something right, and we can always refer back to the folder for reference in the future.
It means nothing anymore.
I think I agreed with myself that I resent new year countdowns, last year.
I laughed and cried at last year’s, despite a joke kinda took on a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I laughed out of what was expected of me to do so.
I cried, because I really needed to.
The bad start wasn’t an indicator of what a great year it has been, and it was just another bad day.
So, this year, the jump in the last of the 4-figured thingy, is just a jump of December to January. Like November to December.
And most probably I will be fast asleep cos of an early boat ride the next day. Wooohooooo!
Okay, more on that later, cos… I was going to blog about my very excited mahjong week.
My mojo for mahjong seems to at its peak, despite being on medical leave on Thursday, when an invitation came in from the hands-itchy trio, I couldn’t refuse.
So, it was an impromptu session(I love spontaneity especially from my mahjong kakis) at my place, and my cards for the night were good/bad enough for me to have a pending Da Si Xi (Big 4 happiness), and 2 very close chap sar yio (13 terminals).
Like the joke at the mahjong table, so “turned on” but “cannot cum”(-cue shy giggles-), the good hands(no pun intended) didn’t bring the climax.
So there wasn’t any point to my shallow breaths, currents down the spy, shaky hands, increased heartbeats , slight tingles… and absolute thrill as I waited.
But it was a good night nonetheless.
We gave our usual Friday a miss, and I fell asleep early while watching CSI… I feel like an absolute auntie, despite feeling a tad lost without my usual mahjong night.
I took the evening to make a slight change to my hair, though I make a vow never to believe when a hairstylist say “one inch” their sense of measurement must be at the other spectrum when a guy says “9 inches”.
It was at least 3 inches she took off my original locks, but it isn’t a biggie, cos my hair was so thick/heavy/dense/long that the stylist took turns to touch my hair, egging their colleagues on to hold the bunch of hair in their hands… and then asking how I normally survive washing my hair without having sore arms.
I felt lighter, but felt a little naked.
She cut my fringe again, and I feel I look like I am trying to look young.
But you know how hairstylists are good sales people, but I don’t blame them when they thought I was a student and suggested I could go for more vibrant colours(The young stylist had said “Our age we can try colours like this…” cough cough). Wahahahaha.
I had mentioned I have had tremendous hair loss, so it wasn’t as thick as before, and they asked if it was due to stress. Child Birth, I said. And they stopped tending to my hair(I had colour, cut and treatment, which always require 2 of them each taking one side to save time) and stared at me, asking if I had married(er, duh) damn young.
Like you can see, it was just an attempt to rub my ego a little, after suffering so much abuse and bruising to it recently.
A quick late dinner later, I was back home. It was a nice, relaxing chat at the lobby, and I am still working to where I want to be.
***
Was woken up earlier than I had expected to be, to head to Kembagan to get some dive gears, which were on sale.
I didn’t really wanna get anything, but still gave in to the buying impulse. So now, I have a mask, as well as booties. Now, I probably need fins. With the gloves WT got for me, I am all ready to go, though I hope it doesn’t appear overkill on a newbie like me.
It was then late lunch with Stanley and WT at Old Hong Kong cafe at Katong, bored stiff by all their doctor talks, before heading to town to be trigger-happy.
Orchard was so packed. Very much packed with people like me, holding cameras… getting overwhelmed by the human traffic, awed by the festive spirits.
I don’t see people laughing much. I wanted to take street photography(hahaha, I am such a noob), but I just… lack gift.
Wanted to catch Twilight but tickets were sold out everywhere, and we holed up at Borders’ and I was given a book “450D for Dummies”.
No prize for guessing what it is for.
Heading home to curb the itch of the hands with the usual suspects, and it was another night of laughter, and great company.
Special pizza delivery from one very important friend of my life… and it was good seeing her again. Maybe, it will be great if I can tempt her enough to join me for some new year diving, and take our advanced open water together.
Hor, Jijo?
And that marked my mahjong Thursday and Saturday, with Levin lamely joked that we had a kar-long(you need to mahjong to know this) Friday, thus making it up with 2 nights.
It didn’t end till early 6ish this morning.
I was almost too exhausted to realise what had dropped on the floor when I stripped for the showers.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Lauren was exceptionally late for the mahjong session, and we had WT to stand in for him(zzzzzzz… giggles).
WT had lost 30 bucks for him. COUGH. Okay, Levin had helped WT to lose 30 bucks to us.
So, being superstitious about “borrowed luck”, I insisted on returning the pink chip.
Which because of some twist of fate, didn’t happen.
So whenever the chip is in my drawer, I will lose.
To the point Lauren suggested keeping the chip in my bra, and it might help.
And well…. it did, when I put it in the left side, and I started winning 1 or 2 doubles.
But I would lose 3 or 4 doubles.
Hahaha, so he suggested switching side.
Wah. Then I won 5 tais! Self-draw!
My mahjong wifey then placed one yellow chip in each side to follow suit.
Though I remembered it throughout the game, I forgot about it when the game ended.
So when I was in the showers, it hit the floor, much to my amusement. In fact, I was so delirious that when I heard it, I totally didn’t expect it to be the pink chip and had seriously wondered what it was as my vision frantically searched for it.
Anyway.
I am tempted to head to the cinema myself today.
I was tempted to head in to JB myself too.
I was tempted to get my Christmas shopping done…. and I still haven’t done so! Of course, this will come with lugging my new black beauty around.
Despite all the temptation, the greatest evil of all – my cosy, lovely bed, seduced me enough to stay home, and blog… watch CSI… edit pictures, which itself, is a lovely way to spend the Sunday.
Well, the next week will be, challenging, I believe.
Hopefully I can finish whatever I need to before timeline is up, so I can breathe freely, in Phuket.
I have heard this on 93.3FM constantly recently, and the very first time I heard it, I could only catch the above sentence.
You are not truly happy, or so it translates.
Maybe it is the effort to get in touch with my very “cheenah” roots these days, which suddenly make me listen in to 93.3FM more often(despite feeling a bit old listening to some of the cringe-worthy pop-py songs by guys with wispy hair and girls with super act cute voice)… or the sense of nostalgia kinda reminded me of who I was… a decade ago.
Anyway. The song kinda stuck in my head.
And I heard it again last night, and I still couldn’t catch the lyrics.
But, I finally did, today
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越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深浅浅 的刀割
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Ouch.
Nice.
How far can you take the truth?
I honestly can say I am not someone who can handle the truth well despite a relentless pursue for them.
I would want to know, and test my limits as I cool myself, telling myself that if I want the truth, I must be able to handle them.
I once killed my old self because I knew too much, I probed too much.
Sometimes having a pretty sharp intuition may not be a good thing, cos there is no bliss as there is no such thing as ignorance. There might be, for a while, but that just builds the anger you have cos eventually, you wonder why it took you so long to find out.
I am not sure how far I can go. I am not sure the physical truth hurts, or the principle behind the truth hurts more. To me, the principle definitely hurts more… I think I overcompensated the immense emotions I once had towards such incidents, to the point that, I will just emotionlessly, walk. Away.
Like the person who…. I recently thought of. The incident at Zouk. Sometimes I wonder if I had cut myself off far too fast, far too emotionless.
Snap of fingers, was all it took.
It kinda made me regret a little, cos I love to keep friends… and yet I often realise being.. ahem, *add… ic…tive*, it doesn’t really work and require more extreme effort.
And I am not sure if I have already lost the friend. He has been in my mind a lot, because at the base of it, I still very much am concern about him as a friend.
But that’s the story of my life. People come and go, come and go. I drift. Once too often. To the point I forgot how to settle.
To the point, I forgot how to believe.
To the point, I forgot how to… live.
I remember the spark I used to have, the zeal, the passion. Oh God, how I used to have abundant passion, and I danced. Well, not really, but you know, figuratively(Think the song “I hope you dance”).
Now, I turn cold, and my wall can come up like automated shutters.
Yet I know I still have plenty of empathy within me to know there are things I will walk away and never look back, cos I know how potentially hurtful and devastating they can be.
I once heard a story of used-to-be friend who was close to my heart, that how he had called his then girlfriend, and by an absolute twist of fate, to hear her having sex with another.
I remember that moment when he related the story to me. He didn’t hang up, he said. I felt really, really painful for him. I couldn’t even imagine the pain.
I wonder how could someone do that to him.
I was angry.
I was.. I don’t know.
And if it was you.. how would you feel? To be reminded what was once yours no longer belongs to you? And to be reminded of it, when you were at your most devastated, when you were looking for some sort of solace through a phone call?
I don’t know.
It will kill me. And I will walk. Because I cannot bear the pain. And if I was the girl, I would walk, because I wouldn’t want to put anyone through that, and my first reaction will be to clam up, and turn cold. I will, cos I don’t want to feel the guilt.
Either way, my threshold is maxed.
What if one day, when you are left on your own to your partner’s computer… and you see things you shouldn’t?
I remember one of the very thing me and an ex once quarrelled cos we chanced upon a private video clip on a friend’s computer. Not his girlfriend.
I used to be so judgmental that I remember it was 3rd day of Chinese New Year, and we had such a big fight, because I thought what the friend did was wrong, and I was disgusted with my ex making a joke out of it, like it was natural guy-thing to do.
I wonder how angry, and heartbroken I would be, if I were the girlfriend, and saw the clip.
Even if it was an ex-girlfriend of his. I don’t care.
Maybe in my state of denial, I have wished that intimacy to be exclusively mine.
Is that the same feeling of when I see the pictures of ex-dates of guys I seeing? Even just happy faces, to a memorable place, to a shared secret location, to mark a particular occasion… those are enough to rouse jealousy in me sometimes… so.. what if, the pictures chanced upon are those… you wished you never see, yet can’t resist to stare at them a little longer than usual just to test your own threshold.
I don’t know. I will walk if I was the girlfriend.
So the images will not haunt me, ever.
I shouldn’t give chance to such, cos as much as I think I can control myself well, I don’t think I can control when things will creep into my mind without me knowing.
I don’t even want to make the effort to control it anymore, cos I know.. how tiring it is to fight internally, and to struggle.
Where was that fighting spirit I used to have?
I know not, anymore.
I am superbly emo today I think. I am laughing and going on pretty strong, feeling pretty upbeat, and getting through work with absolute breeze.
An impending meeting in just minutes.. and everything is good.
I finally got the song I have been looking for. The moment it played(thank you ), I have my eyes filled with tears.
I feel a heaviness within, which I am trying to wave away.
Trying.
Still trying.
Walk.
Just walk.
