It must be a mockery of irony as I typed in this title, my MP3 song list had brilliantly, randomly played the song “The pieces don’t fit anymore”.

I am screwed over and over by my hormones.

I think it is just freaky that few days back I re-read my archives, and found an old post, about a friend who had passed on.

I read through the comments.

Then, one name stood out, which vaguely reminded me of a certain someone whom I met over the course of work recently.

Couldn’t be. I thought. Though I played with the idea that I could perhaps ask the next time I see the person.

I conveniently forgot, and since I am moving on, it is unlikely.

Strangely, the said person added me on facebook today.

We started a short and brief facebook chat, and she suddenly asked if I used to blog under this online persona, since my facebook’s name, is well, related.

I was shocked. And then she mentioned him. Then it hit me. Oh my God. Freaky.

***

At the same time, an old boss called in the midst of the chat.

Impeccable timing, I should say. And it feels strangely surreal to be reminiscing the past one year….

I am strangely emotional today. Though rationally so.

***

A primary-one classmate of mine and I started talking as I responded to his desire to have CHANGE in my motherland.

Speaking of which, it is strange I have at least 5 or 6 adds of facebook friends, all from my primary school in the past few days. Ahhh! Nooo!!

My family had returned to the said motherland today, and I am not sure if I am totally at ease, or the fact that I could ever trust them to my country.

And then, it became a candid conversation.

And a challenge to find the said pictures of me in bright pink spectacles.

I happily decided that a jobless person like me, would go do something about it when the rest of the world goes to sleep(or goes to supper without inviting me).

So, I searched.

The first thing I found fuelled the anticipation.

And it was the first sign that I am someone who stuff my memories at the back of somewhere, never throwing them away.

My primary 2 exercise book! OMG.

Don’t ask me why there were 4 digits there. But I recognised it as my mum’s handwriting.

So, this book is 19 years old, at least.

LIKE SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!

Just as I was laughing at the memories… the ghosts came tumbling out of the closet.

It is funny how fast moods can swing extreme ways.

I saw the pictures of the 2nd ex I.. well, explore adulthood with.

Then I saw the picture of the other ex I bumped into recently, and spoke to briefly.

Then I saw… the ex whom I wrote so much of in the past in the beginning of this blog.

I stuffed them away quickly as I found them.

Then I searched.

Then, I still couldn’t find the one I was looking for.

I searched.

Yet, the pieces of the puzzle… were more than I could take.

Out came Charissa’s first lock of hair(A LOT LEH!), her dried up cord… and many other memories…

Then I found… the pictures of another friend, and I thought of how he had left us, 6 years ago. To be reminded of 2 friends who passed away in one night.. just feels strange.

Then I searched the drawer my brr brr is in.

And. Gasp. I found it.

And then, right next to it, I found this…

….

Signed. Checked. Processed. 10th May 2006.

I swear I could have burst out crying.

I bit my lips with the relief knowing that I was too much of a coward to go through with it.

I should have chucked away memories that don’t belong anymore.

Like not stuff them at the back of the closet, but really, throw them into the bin.

All I did, was to put them back where they belong, and maybe just like the exercise book that serves no purpose other than to remind me of the past, they just might stay for another 19 years.

***

當　我和世界不一樣　那就讓我不一樣
堅持對我來說　就是以剛克剛
我　如果對自己妥協　如果對自己說謊
即使別人原諒　我也不能原諒

最美的願望　一定最瘋狂
我就是我自己的神　在我活的地方

我和我最後的倔強　握緊雙手絕對不放
下一站是不是天堂　就算失望不能絕望
我和我驕傲的倔強　我在風中大聲的唱
這一次為自己瘋狂　就這一次　我和我的倔強

對　愛我的人別緊張　我的固執很善良
我的手越骯髒　眼神越是發光
你　不在乎我的過往　看到了我的翅膀
你說被火燒過　才能出現鳳凰

逆風的方向　更適合飛翔
我不怕千萬人阻擋　只怕自己投降

我和我最後的倔強　握緊雙手絕對不放
下一站是不是天堂　就算失望不能絕望
我和我驕傲的倔強　我在風中大聲的唱
這一次為自己瘋狂　就這一次　我和我的倔強

***

I swear this hormonal phase is unhealthy…

If I don’t bleed any sooner, I will probably turn psychotic.

I am feeling so fat it isn’t even funny. My favourite past-time is squishing my tummy fats and willing them to go away.

Of course, if I can do that, I will probably be the world’s richest woman, as I will become every girl’s new best friend forever.