I am not the girl you think I am.

If I could just scream and shout and throw an extreme fit.. I will just yell, “Shooooooo.. go away. Walk away. Run if you can!”

Maybe, just maybe, I am just on a road to self-destruction and going the extremes just so I could be left alone to finally find myself. And complexifying everything when nothing is complicated just seems like the best way to go.

There’s so much I could say, but I could block them away by just, being cold.

Dramas, we love yet hate them. We create them, it is not because we want to be drama queens, but simply because we don’t want to be unprepared when life deals you one you can’t handle.

I don’t need to be understood. I don’t need to be figured out. I don’t need to be taken care of. I don’t need to be loved. I don’t… need to needed.

I am fucking drained.

Someone pass me the black crayon please.

***

It must be the marathon mahjong that just ended at 8am that is doing funny things to my brain. It brought together someone I used to work with, and someone I went to secondary school with. And of course, Miss FF who would never miss a game of mahjong. It was a funny combination, but it worked. Prosperity burger…. has its magic and it made me cry(I laughed till I cried) when I stuffed it down when I wasn’t actually hungry.

Zeguang(who learnt mahjong at my place some 12 years ago) and I were just trying to do funny things to get our luck working for us and we thought the burger could change our fengshui a little. Hahaha.

It was a nice, cosy, chilly night. And most importantly, it was peaceful.. regardless the fact that mind was anything but.

I don’t know when will be the next time I see the guys again. And I don’t know when will be the next time when we will play till such timing again.

***

Sometimes I wonder are we still searching for the perfect guy when he doesn’t quite exist. Maybe we should look for one who is sexy and yummylicious whom you can’t get enough of, simply because he liberates you when it comes to the bedroom department. But nah-uh, you think you would prefer someone who is charming and has a glib tongue that makes you feel a million dollar when in fact, you hardly worth a penny, so that you know there is always someone who makes you smile and perks you up. Then no no, you might want someone who is the handyman that fixes the things in the household, and along the way, fixes you.

Maybe guys should come in bottles of such cocktails.

***

I had flowers on Valentine’s Day delivered to my door, and it is the first time a bouquet that really mean something to me.

I don’t get flowers much ever, and the nice pretty lilies made me feel warm and fuzzy.

On a day when I woke up shivering and yet sweating.

Fever.

I sat up and I felt as if I was ran over by a dozen bulls. My throat felt as if I had swallowed some razors or something.

And I ended up lying down and felt absolutely crap. I could hardly walk to the bathroom and it sucks.

The nap did me good and it went down a little, till I was dragged out of the house and went to the doctor.

I spent the night playing mahjong till 4.30am in the morning before watching a soccer match with a headache that kept me awake till.. late.

I slept for a couple of hours and I woke up feeling lost.

I went back to sleep and it was 8pm when I finally coughed myself awake and greeted the day with 15 missed calls.

I have obsessive friends.

***

Eeee. I have blood in my phlegm.

And I am still refusing to rest and sleep.

Maybe, I just don’t want to greet tomorrow.

But who am I kidding? It is already tomorrow.