Gonna be busy, and not sure if I would be blogging much, cos there has been really nothing much to blog about, unless you wanna hear about how I spent 13 hours at the mahjong table just to unwind on Friday night, and how I had been running about.
And… how I am biting my nails right now cos I am nervous.
Alrighty, gotta go, wish me luck on my first day at work.
I started typing and ended up abusing the backspace more often than I should. It is a day I am no good with talking much, and maybe my space here spares me a little liberty to do so, so I can finally, stop my shaking hands with all those things bottled up.
Endlessly running around while high on cough syrup, pacing every single mall whilst trying to get things going. Somehow the adrenalin kept me going, and I didn’t stop.
When I had to force an end to it when the shops closed, all I felt was just utter emptiness and plenty of fatigue.
This, is how it feels like, fatigue, and exhaustion.
All the rushing, all the walking.. it was refreshing, and my mind wasn’t thinking much else.
And then, I started feeling like an awkward figure standing in a place where I don’t fit in.
And the occasionally shopping spree I allowed myself to indulge. It should have been a productive and happy day. Yes, new shoes, new dresses, and a new planner for me to put my aims and goals into writing. So what?
I enjoyed the pretty girls’ company, and I had a glimpse of what are to come. I was excited.
I turned down a dinner invitation cos… I simply didn’t feel up to it. I could have sat elsewhere and break down and cry, yet all I did was venturing to the nearest foodcourt for my first meal of the day.
I didn’t want to explain myself, cos I am just.. afraid.
I walked to the door of the eatery, and I turned my back and walked away, it was easier.
And then, accusations were thrown at me. All I wanted to do, was to return home and hide. I need my rest. I need my space. I need to be away. I need to be at some place where my stress doesn’t bite.
So. I didn’t bother with answering my phone.
The irony.
Everything that happened, bit. Bit too harshly, cruelly, and ruthlessly.
I bit down my tongue for all that I could have, and wanted to say. But it wasn’t a night like this. The moon and ride were too pretty.
Trouble I am, the joke was brought up once too often. Oh yes baby, you have no idea.
I bit my lips in the car ride back so I wouldn’t succumb to tears with what he said. But I know I shouldn’t explain. Some things, are better left the way it is.
Somehow I wanted to say I hope the ride wouldn’t end, yet I thought the better of it.
I couldn’t wait to escape to my safe haven, and then I heard the dark figure before I saw him coming up behind unexpectedly.
Well done. Just what I needed. I couldn’t be bothered. The more I wanted to run. But something told me not to. The friend who was offering my comfort, and a ride back, was still there.
Just before the doors closed, my instinct dragged my already exhausted body out, and marched up.
It was plenty of shoving, pushing, and I saw the rage in his eyes clearly. I didn’t know I had spare energy within me to grab someone’s shirt till I felt my nails in my flesh.
I didn’t know I have that side of me in me.
Who are you to do that to my friend?
Who are you to insult my friend?
And who are you?
I took all the might in me and assertively etched the words out, “I. DON’T. EVER. WANT. TO. SEE. YOU. AGAIN.”
That sentence, repeated in my mind over and over again throughout the night. And the “stay away for a week, give me some peace, please” plea apparently didn’t work.
Don’t tell me you reacted certain way cos I didn’t say something. I said it too many times, but you didn’t listen.
If only you listen, not hear.
I couldn’t speak later. I called for help. I only kept shivering as I coldly muttered, “Don’t come near me.”
Cold. Shivering. I didn’t stop that throughout the night, even till now. I am still crying for help internally. My fingers still trembling with…. rage, or is that disappointment?
I won’t cry. I can’t cry. Cos I am cold. I am supposed to be cold.
I am sorry I allowed it to happen.
I am sorry I could only imagine the hurt on your face as you inched away, away from the spot where people tend to inch out of my life.
I am sorry I could only watch in utter horror the scary eyes, and couldn’t find the words to say.
I am sorry I could only be cold, as I see you on bended knees. Why? Why did I feel absolutely nothing?
“If it is a game you are playing, I am at the losing end.”
No games, darling. No games. Not with you, not with him, nor him. I hate to be manipulated by games.
Honestly, I am physically, mentally, and emotionally empty now. Cos it had ebbed away, drainedaway, bit by bit.
Everyone played a part, and I am sorry I am just trying to protect myself, cos saying how my intention was to protect you guys from the start from “Trouble” may seem too fake, too hypocritical.
Each other, is just a convenient target, cos it all started, and all it was, was me.
Sorry I lacked the energy and patience in me to pick up the call earlier this evening.
And sorry that, now, I simply lack the courage to do so.
And sorry I was that close of finding my old self back, and now she is going away again.
I categorised this under Mahjong Inspirational for a very good reason.
I hit out my 3rd Chap Sar Yio(wah piang, darn shooter man) to JD last night, and lost badly(I conveniently forgot my theory of whoever buys dinner will end up losing badly).
I hit out many other 5 tais and 4 tais, and I am very surprised that the damage was only 60 bucks – one chap sar yio’s cost.
I had too much on my mind to sleep. Stress. Which made me wake up with another slight fever and a sorer throat. And to top it off, a persistent cough. Bleah. I was staring at the screen and was seeing double vision that I could hardly concentrate.
And I finished my antibiotics last night so it seemed like I had to make another trip to the doc’s.
Not cheap. And not nice. Mum bans me from getting close to Minibean(yes, sigh, she is still very much around).
Tell me it is not a coincidence that today was the 2nd time she cooked for me, and on both occasions I had the runs. Kidding.
Anyway.
Woke up at 9 yesterday and headed out for the entire day in the blazing sun.
Was in town, at a casting, at a meeting, and in cloud 9 as I squealed in the middle of Orchard Road.
Lunch time. Tea time. Dinner time. I am a very fair person. Minibean joined us for mahjong therapy.
I am pretty delirious with happiness.
Reason being so is…..
I met some very nice people. What can I say? I am blardy thankful to them. As in really blardy so.
And a boo boo made by me yesterday means that I had a pleasant surprise today.
And a boo boo made by me some time ago means that I had a pleasant surprise yesterday.
The boo boo about naming mahjong as my favourite hobby?
Mahjong does bring me luck  (Okay, Poker shares the credits too)
This town is colder now, I think it’s sick of us
It’s time to make our move, I’m shakin off the rust
I’ve got my heart set on anywhere but here
I’m staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel…
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal… for the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re ‘here’ not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see
They’re tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could…
Steady feet, don’t fail me now
Gonna run till you can’t walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I’m standing down…
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, you don’t need
What u need, what u need…
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be
Oh, do u see what I see…
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere.
Breathe. You guys told me to.
And I will.
The confidence you guys had given me is something… I could have never given myself.
If I could just scream and shout and throw an extreme fit.. I will just yell, “Shooooooo.. go away. Walk away. Run if you can!”
Maybe, just maybe, I am just on a road to self-destruction and going the extremes just so I could be left alone to finally find myself. And complexifying everything when nothing is complicated just seems like the best way to go.
There’s so much I could say, but I could block them away by just, being cold.
Dramas, we love yet hate them. We create them, it is not because we want to be drama queens, but simply because we don’t want to be unprepared when life deals you one you can’t handle.
I don’t need to be understood. I don’t need to be figured out. I don’t need to be taken care of. I don’t need to be loved. I don’t… need to needed.
It must be the marathon mahjong that just ended at 8am that is doing funny things to my brain. It brought together someone I used to work with, and someone I went to secondary school with. And of course, Miss FF who would never miss a game of mahjong. It was a funny combination, but it worked. Prosperity burger…. has its magic and it made me cry(I laughed till I cried) when I stuffed it down when I wasn’t actually hungry.
Zeguang(who learnt mahjong at my place some 12 years ago) and I were just trying to do funny things to get our luck working for us and we thought the burger could change our fengshui a little. Hahaha.
It was a nice, cosy, chilly night. And most importantly, it was peaceful.. regardless the fact that mind was anything but.
I don’t know when will be the next time I see the guys again. And I don’t know when will be the next time when we will play till such timing again.
***
Sometimes I wonder are we still searching for the perfect guy when he doesn’t quite exist. Maybe we should look for one who is sexy and yummylicious whom you can’t get enough of, simply because he liberates you when it comes to the bedroom department. But nah-uh, you think you would prefer someone who is charming and has a glib tongue that makes you feel a million dollar when in fact, you hardly worth a penny, so that you know there is always someone who makes you smile and perks you up. Then no no, you might want someone who is the handyman that fixes the things in the household, and along the way, fixes you.
Maybe guys should come in bottles of such cocktails.
***
I had flowers on Valentine’s Day delivered to my door, and it is the first time a bouquet that really mean something to me.
I don’t get flowers much ever, and the nice pretty lilies made me feel warm and fuzzy.
On a day when I woke up shivering and yet sweating.
Fever.
I sat up and I felt as if I was ran over by a dozen bulls. My throat felt as if I had swallowed some razors or something.
And I ended up lying down and felt absolutely crap. I could hardly walk to the bathroom and it sucks.
The nap did me good and it went down a little, till I was dragged out of the house and went to the doctor.
I spent the night playing mahjong till 4.30am in the morning before watching a soccer match with a headache that kept me awake till.. late.
I slept for a couple of hours and I woke up feeling lost.
I went back to sleep and it was 8pm when I finally coughed myself awake and greeted the day with 15 missed calls.
On Sunday night, I thought I max out a side of me.
So.
I was going to stop trying.
Strangest thing was, while I stopped trying in one aspect, I was trying to walk closer in another.
However, whenever I took one step forward, I will turn around and take another 2 steps.
So come to think of it, I am heading nowhere.
***
A total redundant piece of information.
I caused someone to have a hard on. Without touching/flirting/doing anything.
It was freaking funny I tell ya.
And apparently, it wasn’t the first time it happened.
Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
***
I am pretty much tired since I was trying my darnest best to complete this post. I wasn’t even half way through when I did fall asleep.
I woke up yesterday morning to more shoutings, and I didn’t grab much rest either.
Mum was cooking lunch(oh wow. A first in a long while) and I went to the kitchen to make myself a tea.
I started telling her in the nicest possible way(I can be sweet sometimes you know?) that she should try to tame her shoutings cos it will just make Minibean learn all the wrong things.
The little one?
She just sat down on the floor next to the bathroom and watched as I brushed my teeth. Quietly.
I turned and looked at her, and she flashed me the brightest grin to start my day.
After lunch, I probably made her hate me very much with a trip to the PD for 2 vaccination jabs.
I decided to bring Mum along so she could be the “baddie” this time round. Heh heh heh.
***
20th January 2008
If I have to start my recap backdated to so far back, it is not going to be a very short post.
Anyway, it was the day when we mistakenly headed to Balestier when it was actually at another location. Such a big boo boo and the 20 minutes trip turned into an almost 2 hours trip with the to and fro, plus the errands-running.
But Minibean had a field day.
13 months old Minibean loves combing her hair.
And she pooped in the toilet.
It was her time over with grandma in tow.
So the best part was when grandma was no longer around.
Yay!
Hmm Mummy, something’s not quite right. I think we are supposed to head to Auntie FF’s…
On our way to Balestier.
Gasp! I have a rude baby!
Over at Effy’s, when she relentlessly dug for stuff from my bag, when she wasn’t ogling at Effy’s German housemate. Yes yes, I know how badly she needs a proper haircut. I heard from my mum she did go for a proper haircut and the hairdresser even took a picture with Minibean.
Finally ending the night, with Mama taking Minibean for a walk and packing dinner for grandma. Chilling by the pool wasn’t quite a good idea if you don’t want to become mozzy’s supper.
***
21st January 2008
Well, who can forget the day when I made an enemy in the estate?
Did I mention how I was going out yesterday afternoon and I saw the same note returning again?
Nonetheless, I had spent some time with Minibean before Uncle Keith picked me up and then picked FF up nearby.
Suddenly I realise our expressions are pretty matching in the pictures we took.
We are both smiley.
Grin, baby!
Pout, baby, pout.
And baby in the adorable Ralph Lauren gear Mummy bought.
I think she looks gorgeous in white.
It was FF’s blind date night and we all had dinner at Millenia Walk.
Mahjong. Supper. Home.
***
22nd January 2008
Minibean is happy to pose for camera.
I was having supper near my place after watching Dan in real life(not too bad a show, really) when I bumped into.. surprise surprise… my daughter, who was coincidentally having supper with her grandparents.
Yah, I do look kinda scary without makeup and I wonder how she looks gorgeous despite being her natural, sweaty self. Heh.
***
23rd January 2008
My baby just before she headed back to Malaysia with my parents.
I think she doesn’t like Mummy that much.
So, Mambo didn’t happen after we shopped much of Great World City and we ended up playing mahjong again. Heh.
Supper of Bak Kut Teh. It was off to home.
***
27th January 2008
Baby was back again!
She now loves to strut around the house with a bag. Very hiao.
I was up early to have lunch with the girlies at Novena Square before we went to visit poor Sherry who broke her arm.
We walked out of the ward before we headed back in again for photo-taking. We are pretty hardcore, and we are well aware of it.
Get well soon, babe!
I went back home by train to pick up Minibean, and I think she has eyes for this particular male model…
Nice choice, baby.
We then headed down to Plaza Singapura by train(whee! It was drizzling somemore!).
The many expressions of Minibean on the train, in her pram.
She entertained herself pretty well on the train, kicking other train-users, and I had to smile and apologise profusely to the very nice people who would smile and assure me it was okay(maybe they were having mental bubbles with rude words but I really didn’t have to know that). And the cheeky on decided to get her hands on some smelly recruit’s backpack.
I nearly flipped her pram over whilst she was still in it when I finally got to the right floor at Dhoby Ghaut station (considering how I once dropped a wheelchair down the escalator….)
Eventually, I had to ask a passer-by to help as I pivoted the pram with my legs(lovely blue-blacks they make!) after 3 thousand people walked past without lending a hand.
I headed up the escalator with her in my arms and made it to the mall! Yay.
Auntie JD doing her nails.
And we went to look for her.
Uncle Keith pampering her.
And Auntie FF and Uncle Keith put her on a leash.
It would be the first time I walked her around the mall. So excited!
She was so happy can? I held her hand and we shopped!
I took a couple of videos of her and she was just total cuteness.
As she roamed in the mall, “walked” by Auntie FF, that was when, she was being picked up by Donavan Lee.
Who appeared out of nowhere to give her a tight, sweet hug.
I went Awwwwww at the sight and he was such a pretty boy(trust me, this picture doesn’t do him justice!). So charming, and looks a little Eurasian in person.
Minibean just smiled and smiled, and leaned on his tall shoulder.
Their Mills and Boon moment.
Yes, that’s the leash Auntie FF got from Japan for her.
Thanks Auntie Effy!
After Minibean had her fun, she turned her back and leave.
What can I say? It’s all in the genes baby.
We headed to Crystal Jade for dinner thought most of them didn’t eat.
But Minibean was one happy baby who was fed by Auntie JD.
That Cheshire cat grin. Heh heh heh.
We ended up at FF’s place for mahjong again, before I sent baby back for bedtime and met Jeremy for supper with Uncle Keith.
***
31st January 2008
Baby napping with me.
Stayed home with baby and spent lotsa quality time together without the parents around.
Until they were back around midnight.
And I snuck out for a little topless ride.
It was a pretty night and we ended up at East Coast before we had breakfast at Taman Jurong.
We were cruising along until we saw the ferris wheel with pretty lights(why the colours so gay?).
It was fascinating nonetheless.
Maybe I should finally get my arse moving and get my driving license and terrorise other roadusers.
Marina Bay.
***
1st February 2008
It was a nice Friday where I travelled all over Singapore.
My baby and I before I headed out to meet my ex-schoolmate Felicia.It was a pretty nice day
I even met up with Auntie JD and the gorgeous Bella.
And I bumped into Peishan. And I bumped into her again on New Year’s Eve. I bumped into her everywhere! Balaclava, Zouk, Velvet, and even Live Impact.
It was such a chilly night.
I watched The Mist and I was one angry person.
***
2nd February 2008
Just spending time with the impish one.
Who loves to wear my clothes.Fights for my phone.
And tussles for my wallet.
Of course, she pulls my heartstrings too.
***
5th February 2008
It was girls’ night out!
It was pretty Vivocity where we had Hoggies and caught a movie together!
They didn’t want to take pictures with me!
I wanted to take pictures to show off my very straight hair.
And of the night view.
With Thomas, who probably is the coolest housemate around(sorry Thomas, Max takes the hottest housemate award).Camwhore.
My Maria with very big boobs.
And I am very inferior about mine.
If we ever get stranded on an island…. her one boob can last me for 3 days and I could probably not even last her a meal.
My loveliest girlies.
And us being really silly.
We caught 27 dresses and now I wish all my friends are gonna get married and make me the bridesmaid!
I started having really warped ideas of being bridesmaid for guys I had dated before, but I really doubt they are keen on that idea.
I went “Awww…” in the cinema so loudly that my girlies disowned me as friend.
It was an early conclusion to the evening as baby was coming back the next morning and it was a nice night out with good food.
Though my steak was really too rare for me.
But whee, we got discount.
***
6th February 2008
And then, it was reunion dinner day.
The morning started positively with Minibean back!
And then I dressed her up to go out visiting.
I just thought she looks so cute trying to stand up while pretending to talk on the phone.
And how she loves exploring what’s inside my bag. Sometimes I thought how she would fit into the bag nicely too.She is becoming so active that it is almost hard to make her sit still. Remember what I said about her expressions matching mine?
My cutie.
Who fell asleep when we were out after running about the entire afternoon.
I brought her back to my parents who took her to the reunion dinner I managed to opt out of.
I spent the night munching pineapple tarts, love letters, and stayed very starved.
I was so freaking bored that I…. I… I…
… ended up at Mambo!
Woohoo! My first Mambo since last May.
With Jeremy and his friends before we headed in.
Alan and I. Listening to his stories was pretty hilarious.
I see boobs! She is one hellava interesting lady.Charlene and I.
Daisy!
Melvin.
Daisy, Melvin and I.
The night crawled to a slow start. I bumped into Kiat whom I knew on my first trip to Zouk in 1999. November.
I also bumped into Joyce, my secondary school classmate.
And many other people I haven’t seen for ages.
My all-time favourite bouncer
Hot babe Evie.
Another hot babe, Linna.
Uncle Keith, who left early in search of his Thai beauty queens.
Finally heading home after a long night of partying(or rather, catching up with friends).
Whee.. It was finally Chinese New Year, and it was really nothing to shout about.
Damn. My keyboard is freaking cranky now and I wonder if I had typed too much.
***
7th February 2008
The first day of Chinese New Year started with me greeting my parents, and giving my baby a big hug.
We sat down for a meal together, and it was nice that Mum was cooking.
I can’t remember the last time we sat down to have a home-cooked meal together, and it was much missed.
I had a long nap when parents were out visiting, and only woken up to head out for a small gambling session which saw our pulses racing when our pot went up to $1500 playing “In between”.
It was cool, though they decided they WILL ban me from the gambling table next year. I didn’t win, but I guess it was no fun having someone who “predicted” cards too well. Like, you wish your rivals get Ace, and they really do get an Ace. It happened once too often that they had branded me “not a human”.
So unkind on New Year’s Day!
I got home and stayed up till Minibean and parents were heading out of home for my mum’s hometown at around 5.30am.
I laid down next to a sleeping Minibean and just kissed her before I woke her up and gave her milk.
I made coffee for my parents, chatted to them a little, before sending them out.
The house was back to its quietness again.
*** 8th February 2008
I didn’t wake till it was in the evening.
In fact, for Friday and Saturday, I slept for 12 hours each day.
It was good rest. I finally finished my 3rd season of Sex and the City.
After some really boring attempt to gamble on Friday night(no one dared to take another risk like the night before!), we ended up catching PS I love you.
I cried and cried and cried from beginning even though it was pretty much nothing too emotionally overwhelming.
I am such a wuss.
It was a nice show, and don’t write it off as a chick-flick.
Now, I really want to find myself a cool, sweet Irish man.
*Sniff*
***
9th February 2008
Was utterly bored and slept till late.
I left home for Sherry’s to teach the girlies how to play mahjong.
We didn’t really play much cos they were too engross with Edison Chen’s scandalous pictures(What’s wrong with HK girls? Do they ever shave/trim/wax?).
And since I was heading out thereafter, Sherry had kindly loaned her dress to me.
The back of it.
And ahem, yes, that’s the front of it.
Anyway.
Jasmine very nicely dropped me off at Tanglin where I joined the guys for poker for a while before Joce asked me along to Zouk for Above and Beyond.
Woohoo! It was so much fun that night and everyone was pretty high.
The music was awesome man.
And of course, the company was better
And I was sober throughout.
Sharon was there too, and we danced together most of the night.
The very gorgeous Sonia with Evangeline. They both disappeared after a while…
Sara Ann.
Ian.
Jeremy.
Evie.
Joanne.
The crowd.
And of course, Daisy who as usual, wouldn’t miss Zouk on such a night.
Ben. He is NOT gay.
Paikia Leo!
Gerald and Leo.
All thanks to Gerald, we had a Lychee Martini each. The amazing part is, I actually downed the entire drink and I didn’t get sloshed!
It was 5.30am when the lights came on.
I received a lengthy call which I wish I didn’t.
Sometimes, I just don’t… understand.
***
10th February 2008
I got home and it wasn’t too long before it was daylight again.
I slept for only an hour before I was woken up and fed Minibean.
She didn’t want to go back to sleep and it was incredibly funny watching her.
She was sitting in her cot and she started dozing off, while still sitting up, holding her pillow!
Absolute cuteness can?
Finally she succumbed to the snoozebug after trying to keep her balance whilst sitting, and ended up falling over with her head on her baby pillow.
The sweetest sight ever.
Woke up and brought her to IMM for lunch, where I was chasing her around the mall, just to make sure she didn’t rob the shops.
She was very happy.
So was I It was a nice day out. Just us.
She nearly had a ladder falling on her when she grabbed it and the realisation how fast my reflexes CAN BE surprised me. And she loves searching for power switches to flick, and my reaction time has been pretty much record-breaking.
When we reached home, Mum was back at the same time.
Mahjong session was cancelled, and I stayed home trying to finish this entry, which.. I am still struggling to do so.
***
11th February 2008
Brought her to NUH for her checkup.
She wailed badly when she had a jab on each arm. Poor cutie pie
She was happy before she was heading out with Mummy dressing her up and putting her in her new shoes which she hasn’t quite gotten used to.
In fact, she had preferred them in her mouth than on her feet.
Nonetheless, she looked absolutely cute in them(The pair on her feet and the one in her hands are her new shoes!).
The doctor was measuring her weight and height, and she is slightly below the lower percentile, but is of good proportions. Though the doctor did mention something about her head being a little bigger.
I turned to baby and started saying “Gee baby! You are like a lollipop!”
She charmed everyone at the hospital, and was staring at some ang mor for the longest time(some Daddy who took his daughter to the PD), with a smile and looking totally mesmerised.
She even went up to boys who were sitting down to grin and smile at them, trying to befriend them by putting her hands on their knees.
She even stroked this little girl’s face affectionately, surprising me even cos I had expected her to be really clueless and might end up hurting someone else.
She tried reaching out for the hands of other kids, and I just hope it is her way of showing love and she will continue to love the world as she grows.
Be kind, baby, Mummy is proud of you.
She even walked around the hospital on her own, only stopped to walk back when I was out of sight. She thought I was playing hide and seek with her and it thrilled her whenever she managed to find where I was.
She unwittingly walked into the jab room by herself, and I bet it was her greatest regret of the day.
I was tormenting my own flesh and blood and it was cool that she was smiling and making friends in the hospital with two plasters on her arms briefly after.
Mum and I left the hospital to head for home, and I didn’t manage to blog much before I was activated for mahjong session at JD’s.
FF and I headed down by train, before JD picked us up from Novena.
It was great seeing the girlies again and the session ended early at 1 plus, before we chilled around for a bit till 2 plus.
Supper. Yak. Yak. Yak.
Home.
And then trying my darnest best to finish this entry.
And I am hungry!
I guess this entry drains me enough.
And you know what to do whenever I make the effort to post more pictures. Heh.
And Happy Chinese New Year everyone. As much as its significance to me has diminished this much over the past couple of years, I think a part of me still… believes.
And gee, isn’t it scary to think what is in 2 days’ time?
My defense mechanism has been at its tip-top condition in the past few days.
Woohoo.
Anyway, the post with many pictures is on its way. I still haven’t finished it.
Now, I shall haul my ass out and have my first mahjong session for the new year. Woohoo!
I will post the long ass post tomorrow(you see, I am posting pictures from 20th January and I am only done till…. 5th. So still a bit more, you know?).
The only things I did worth mentioning over the past few days(besides spending time with my amazingly adorable princess), are…. mediocre gambling sessions(can you fucking believe it? I didn’t play mahjong over Chinese New Year! It’s a sin!), and pretty enjoyable partying sessions(well, definitely could be better sans the drama, but I can chuck that aside).
Minibean and my parents have been staying over for almost a week now(Okay, fine, with 2 days spent in Malaysia visiting relatives), and they are going to stay till Wednesday.
Things are better between Mum and I now, but then an episode today totally gave me the creeps.
I think my past is here to haunt me, and I was terribly uncomfortable.
Well, it happened cos she had thought I was heading out, when in fact I changed my mind and then I was hiding in my room after my shower.
And then, she tried to open my door. Normally I would lock it, and maybe she thought she would get lucky this time.
I mean, either way, 1) If I were home, she should have blardy knocked. 2) If I weren’t home, she had no fucking business to snoop in my room.
Throughout the evening, she was freaking shouting and screaming at my baby. It was the tone and the volume that made me jump, and I nearly acted up by opening the door and confronted her.
I didn’t. I froze. I stayed where I was and hid safely under the bed. And then it all came back to me.
I should be out there rescuing my baby, isn’t it? I tried to listen, and I tried to find excuses for her shouting. Mum has always equate shouting with authority, and I know what she was trying to do. Most kids didn’t like my mum cos she is the kind who would just lecture and shout and scream at anyone, thinking that is the most effective way of disciplining people. Eventually, she became the one every kid wanted to irritate, because there is really nothing she could do except making a nuisance of herself.
And much to my relief, she was trying to warn Minibean not to go near her as she was mopping and she might floor. But every single sentence she was screaming at my poor baby(“Go away!” “Don’t come near me!”), and I did nothing. Helplessly sat in my bed and did nothing.
Honestly, baby is with her most of the time, and like a friend always reminded me, I have to rely on her and she is taking care of Minibean and I can’t afford help on my own, so I have not much rights, do I?
And then I remember how she had never shouted baby that way when either Dad or I were around. I mean, she still shouts(that’s why I never have peaceful mornings with her around. Now she does that to baby, and in the past, she does that to me x 10 the violence).
I listened hard, and was ready to pounce on her if she was being mean to my baby.
I am worried she would start using rejection as a means to discipline Minibean. I would definitely make sure she never stays close to my baby if she ever does that.
I opened the door, and she was utterly surprised when she saw me, and asked when was I back.
I didn’t say anything.
I surprised myself for not saying anything and just went into the room to look at my sleeping baby.
I felt like the most fucked up mother ever.
And I start to know where Minibean learnt all those voice-raising skills from.
***
When I had the slight urge to want to blog about it, my blog experienced some silly down-time.
Now, at 5.15am, I am not sure if I should start blogging.
I mean, by the time I finish with the post and the almost 200 pictures that were to follow(most likely I will sift them out and upload the bulk of them on facebook)…. I could probably greet the day like how I did for the past days…. watching daylight seeping through the curtains.
I still have no idea how to sort the pictures. Hmm.
Chronological order, it shall be.
Seems like I really am braving the attempt and sacrifice some sleep tomorrow.
@AlleyMurphie love it! I miss London ! Going back SG tomorrow :( 13 hours ago
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. A brilliant night of snowball fighting, great company and just sheer beauty. http://t.co/eG20ZbdL2012/02/05
@jingpey yes I can be a life changer that way 2012/02/04
@jingpey Hehehehehe neither can I again so must spread the poison! 2012/02/04
RT @nickyholden9988: There is a line in åç姿 "ææ念ç" that is talking about anal sex:
"æè®°å¾ä½ å¨èåï¼ä¹è®°å¾æ颤æç." 2012/02/04
