Archive for December, 2007

Opening up

Tonight is one of those nights I feel… bouncy, yet has a tinge of moroseness in me.

In a way, I am not shying away from most people as I normally would.

Too many issues have bugged me in recent days, and I have shelved them away so I don’t have come face to face with them.

I finally find a hint of normalcy in these 2 days, and yet when things are getting better, you know you have to exorcise the bad.

I lost quite many friends along the way, and I know many those who I have deemed close, have dwindled to just… acquaintances.

It is painful, I know.

There were some mind-boggling actions from all over, and they are just as overwhelming each time they happened, and you wonder what will be next, and when will it end.

It started as perturbing. It started as puzzling… then when it slowly doesn’t mean anything to you, it became… just nothing.

It became something that just…. happens.

Then it pains you no more.

Faces became clearer in the storm these days.

Barriers became stronger these days.

Trust sliced itself thinner these days.

Friends and foes masked themselves well. The most understanding ones hid in a corner quietly. The most unexpected ones gungho-ly act righteously, and did exactly what they say they wouldn’t.

And then, there were ever the opportunists. Who did what they prove they are capable of, and then all of sudden, you realise, you never thought this person could feel this way about you. Ever.

It is great learning everything from the basics again.

And tonight, it is great not to pretend it.

I am not totally over all these, but I know I am getting better. And I know being open about it, may just give rise to more chances for people to try to think of something next.

But really, don’t bother.

Cos I will learn each time.

I will perhaps wallow, I will perhaps feel tonnes of hurt.

But if you didn’t already realise… everytime, I deal with it by getting myself to rock bottom, and I still stand at wherever I am.

I will get better.

Whilst you may, never do so.

I don’t think I will feel this way ALL the time, but I know I am trying, and I know as long as it is slowly taking charge more than half the time, it is my personal victory.

This blog has all the highs, the lows, the very, very lows.

But as much as I am such an emotional person, and have all these emotions running through that made me an overly “weak” person in your opinion, you forgot that in the wide arrays of emotions, there is also that of strength, and defiance.

I have my disappointments for certain people, particularly so because I had invested that much of emotions in them. Don’t think too far, I am talking about friends here.

Hurt, yes. Disappointment, yes. I would hide them to say I don’t care, I don’t mind, and perhaps throw a nonchalant “oh well” along the way, but then I can hor-nestly say “of course it pricks!” but after letting all those emotions flush out… here I am again.

In 2007, I did see a lot, I did learn a lot. The highest of highs, the lowest of lows.

Even the mahjong sessions are laughter-filled, and an unspoken cosiness, that I am beginning to feel comfortable with(though the girls will feel immersely uncomfortable with my hypnotic chatters).

And what a way to have such a song playing on my mp3 now.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I felt as if I was in way to deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

[Chorus]
Well, I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time ago!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags, and walked away
There was nothing I could say
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes, so I could see
That you never were the best for me

[Chorus]

Well, I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time ago!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
Well, I’m putting my heart back together
‘Cause I got over you
I got over you
I got over you

And for those who thought this song could only have that narrow a meaning. It does apply to many people in my life, who I wouldn’t say no longer matters… but just, don’t matter as much as they should be, anymore.

I remember those days when I was wary of people, and opening up to that few people. I don’t like meeting new people, and almost socially inept, I know.

And I relied heavily on them.

I don’t think I would be the same again, and I never would trust the way I did again, but I probably deserved it. And I know those who are still around have respected that, which I want to say a big Thank You to.

And as 2007 draws to a close….

… I should be getting to my closure.

Nice

It seemed like a really dry day.. until I finally fought the grogginess and got down to business.

Then, the thunder roared and the invitation to go shopping with the girlies doesn’t seem so appealing anymore.

I heated up my pasta, made myself a cup of hot milo and sat at the usual spot.

I left one of the windows open despite the intrusive rain, and sat in the hall, at the table.

Suddenly, my laptop seems like the greatest companion. I am actually blogging, eating, MSNing and chilling at such a nice spot.

A wedding dinner to attend tomorrow and I will be bringing Minibean along to meet all the ex-classmates of mine. I will take the chance for her to bask in the pretty Christmas lightings in town.

She will also be able to sit in her new toy, which will allow her to roam around in the hall while I do my housework, and she won’t have to scream for my attention and feel all alone in the cot.

I was blogging halfway through this post when the laptop shut down, but imagine my glee when the post was saved and I was able to continue on without much disruption.

Whee!

There will be some calls to make today and hopefully I will be able to blog more tonight.

Yes, possibly with Minibean’[s first birthday’s pictures.

She is growing prettily, and I wanna thank you guys who made it for the party.

Though ironically, those who were there, are mostly unaware of this little space online.

I love my new found spot.

I even managed to get my mic to work on my desktop so both my machines are finally beginning to bond with me. :)

Now, a little bit of chilling in the hall, before I will return to my desktop.

A day of rain

It was a wet Monday. Very wet, actually.

But it was a nice one where I could catch up with some sleep.

I didn’t see much of Sunday after waking up at 5.30 in the afternoon, did some chores, chilled, and was knocked out right by my computer at… say, slightly after 12.30am.

I woke up in the midst of my sleep, remembering the skies were pretty dark. It set the cosiness for more sleep, and I fell back into deep slumber, pulling my duvet closer, cuddling my baby pillow tighter.

It was as if the signs for a great Monday were there. I felt liberated. No heaviness. No whatever.

It was still raining out there.

I blogged.

It was still raining out there.

Caught up with the usual news, and the evening proved to be a pretty… productive one.

I managed to find a few neglected items from the wardrobe and extended their expiry dates.

It was still raining out there.

I finally deleted the tagboard after FF and JD had nagged me and made me promise them so. Though the bareness and quietness takes a little getting used to, I guess it is just a peace of mind we are all after. I will definitely miss those who leave friendly messages often though.

It was still raining out there.

Minibean’s new rocker toy is almost fully emsembled, and I stuck on the stickers myself, getting a kick out of it.  A shame that I couldn’t find any screwdriver in the house however much I tried to dig one out.

It was still raining out there.

I managed to leech wireless in the hall with my laptop, and it is no longer redundant.  Though the connection means it is a bitch to be downloading stuff into it. But ah-ha, no fear, a portable hard disk helps to get the program from this desktop to the laptop, and my laptop was greatly utilised for the night compared to this.

So now, I got my players and messenger on the lappy too.

I am starting to feel that I might bring out my lappy in my bag like an essential item in days to come.

And I got my microphone to work just fine, though it stubbornly refuses to work on my desktop.

I sat in the hall, at the usual table for the longest hours tonight, though Dad’s unexpected return did startle the very quiet living room in the middle of the night.

It was still raining out there.

I installed Battlefield 2 on my desktop too, and just when I was wondering if falling off the cliff would kill me, I did the ultimately silly thing of slipping off the cliff clumsily and got my answer instantly.

I even walked out in the drizzle to buy food after Sharon had dropped by to collect her boots. Apparently, the petrol kiosk now have some microwaveable instant pasta and baked rice, which honestly, taste pretty decent.

It was still raining out there.

They are now on sale one-for-one, and I bought 4 packs at one go, at $3.90 each(which means… I only spent 7.80 for 4 packs). Surprisingly, the meat was tasty and pretty tender. I guess I have my meals sorted out tomorrow.

It was a chilly night, but fulfillingly cosy.

I read. I managed to venture on with the frustrating book I am reading simply cos I wanna find out the ending.

I even had time to explore new options with my brr brr.

It was still raining out there.

It was almost daybreak when the ceaseless rain finally took a break, and I, decide to end the game, and close the book.

Yet, the refreshing day that just started makes me reluctant to hole up in the duvet, which still holds the bare traces of warmth from my laziness.

I surprise myself how easily Monday concluded itself.

It is no longer raining out there.

And somehow, I know not what, it seems such a breeze for Monday to pass.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

As the ground dries out there, a part of me still wish the rain will accompany me to sleep on such a lovely Tuesday.

iStupid

Okay…..

On Saturday, I finally collected my laptop. I manage to collect it within few minutes though the claim queue was like a 2-hours wait.

Thankfully so because of an acquaintance who works there, whom I met just a day before. What great timing.

I lugged my lappy to dinner that night and whilst waiting for the rest to arrive, I had wanted to explore it.

Uhm, oh well.

I didn’t manage to, cos I didn’t manage to find the button to switch it on, and I thought it just didn’t have battery power.

I whipped out a book and read instead.

JD arrived and found the button(ahem). She said she has stupid as friends.

So….

I was too tired to explore it until midnight last night.

I couldn’t find the wireless button. :(   As in.. I found it, I couldn’t on it.

And then I realise I don’t have wireless in the house, so I can’t surf from it.

*CURSE VERY LOUDLY*

So it is essentially useless to me.

Honestly, I don’t know how to use it, and that’s why it was returned to its bag promptly thereafter, and I fell asleep at slightly past midnight.

I woke up at 1am to switch off the lights and went to bed.

And by the time I greet the day, it was already 3.10pm.

I feel good.

Good enough to blog more and block out even more.

Pictures coming from me tonight. Stay tuned.

Facts and truths

In life, there are the facts

… and there are the truths.

Sometimes, what you know might be the facts might not be the truth.. and it may portray more lies than it already has.

And if you want to get truths, the direct source shall be it.

But if you just want facts to be your painting brush, go ahead.

But as you get to the facts, the truth will be lost, and what is ahead, may be just lies twisted facts to make their, our, your, and my lives more cushioned.

So your choice. Truth? Or twisted facts?

Life itself isn’t a breeze enough. There’s no need for more salt. And maybe, twisted facts work for some people.

My panties very wet

Having 4 hours of sleep after 3 rounds of 3 legged mahjong is no laughing matter.

Especially when you are coming of age, cough, like yours truly.

I felt a little feverish and I stoned on the bed for the longest time before I dragged myself out.

I had wanted to bail out of the job casting.. but then I managed to pop in the contact lenses before I made my way out to Ang Mo Kio. By train, no less.

Thankfully an empty train guaranteed my safe arrival without any fainting spell.

Then, I saw the first sign of drip drops.

That part of Singapore very the far.

And then the rain was so heavy when I was making my way there, and the wind was truly chilly. I instinctively lowered my head and pulled the jacket tighter together. I am glad I brought my jacket along just before heading out.

It was cold, and I couldn’t wait to get there sooner.

And then, I was late(not my fault :( boohoo) and it was a wasted trip.  I was dripping wet, cold, and uncomfortable in my soaked undies and jeans.

I headed for Hougang Point for lunch. It was such a foreign place. Whilst waiting for the rain to subside, I had lunch at KFC, bought bubble tea, and lugged back Minibean’s rocking walker/ride.. whatever you call it.

Gee, and there’s this cool remote control car for her to sit in so I could ‘drive’ her around. Damn cool can? Pink! It can be a manual/auto car. How freaking cool is that?

Alas, the space at home is incredibly small, and with my skills, I would probably crash her into the wall.

I hopped on the cab just as the rain was getting heavier.. and it was a long ride home.

I am just glad to be home. So cosy. A warm shower to rid the chills, and just to rest off the feverish feeling.

The sky was so dark. It was pretty.

***

Baby was sent back to JB last night and her fever finally subsided before I sent her back. Though it made me sob badly when she finally went back.

She puked all over the bed when I fed her medication and her crankiness made me feel rather helpless.

I am just physically and mentally drained.

I forced myself to head out. I waited for the girls for more than half hour before I felt the sudden dread. I just wanted to run home and hide.

JD’s new place is nice and very neat now. Heh.  It has a nice balcony where we could play mahjong next to.

It is a cosy nice little place, and I think I should go furniture shopping soon.

I have been spending an obscene amount of money this month(it is a law of relativity), but all’s well worth it.

I should resolute to go collect my laptop on Friday after my job, and lug home the printer too.

I am tired.. And I think I should read.

My computer, though new, is giving me a lot of migration problems, and a lot of old programs can’t be used here.  Sigh.

Okay, shall continue to sort it out before I take a break from the hectic week. It feels as if I have not enough me-time for a long while.

And it is just a blessing in disguise that I didn’t get the job today. However wasted the trip it was.

Towards the end

It has been an amazing 2007.

It is drawing to a close and I almost don’t want it to end just like that.

I love the end of the year, I always say. It is the cold that bring forth the warmth.

Lonely Christmas, someone told me. Indeed, and I have grown accustomed to it.

And then, there will be new year.

And then, there will be Chinese New Year.

And then, there will be the birthdays.

But wait.. which note does this year end on?

I don’t know. I seem more lost and distant than ever, yet 2007 brings me a good feeling.

Am not sure if my first year of motherhood has anything to do with it.

I still have yet to find the woman nor the confidence within me.

Yet…

Yet…

There were much I came to terms with, and there were much things I have acknowledged within.

Things that were familiar turn out to be unexpectedly foreign, and things that we once assumed so ain’t just so clear anymore.

***

I thought I would learn to love myself more this year, but then I realise as I have less resentment to people around me(despite everything that happened, it conditions me enough to just… zone out), I have only brewed more for myself.

Sometimes, if only I love myself as much as I am fascinated with myself.

***

For a brief moment, we sat and talked as the other 2 were eating.

“I think, despite all that had happened in 2007 to all of us, we can take in comfort that we have been truly happy. We have experienced the happiness we had wanted, however unreal it had turned out to be.” I looked into the far distant, that was no further than the glass window before us. The same spot.

FF nodded.

“The highest of highs, the lowest of lows.”

Indeed.

And it will be just us, and only us, to know, to feel, and to comprehend if all the lows were worth all the highs.

Even the highs might just be a fantasy, a figment of our imagination.

But at least, they brought us happiness, in a way other things never did before.

Minibean is sick

After sending Minibean back to Malaysia on Sunday night, just so she could spent the last hour of 2nd December with my mum, I stood on the train platform and bawled.

I leaned in to give her 2 kisses, to say goodbye, and wish her once again, happy birthday.

I didn’t bring her anywhere on Sunday, despite my initial plans, and we ended up just staying in bed, bonding. She loves to lean in close to me and just snuggle up close.

It was in the evening when we went for dinner, and let’s just say I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

Nonetheless, I know how much my dad had wanted it, and it was his proud moment too.

Her cheeks were flushed and many people asked if I had put on blusher for her. But it seems like they were swollen.

It was a cold, cold Sunday night, and I drew in a breath of relief to finally conclude the whirlwind week, over some teh-o-pengs.

It was cold, so cold.

I need some warmth in my life.

***

It was exhausting when I finally got back home, but my first day back into the internet world means lots of tweaking and installation processes, which honestly, I suck at.

So, I have half-running programs, hanging applications, and plenty of rebooting.

It was like… early morning and I still didn’t manage to get my email to work.

I went to the hall, and sat at the familiar spot before the window. The window was slightly ajar, and I could see the grey skies out there looking intimidating.

And then a cool(almost cold) breeze soothed, I indulged in that personal moment. I almost thought I could fall asleep that way.

It was a nice feeling though I have never felt more alone.

***

I tried to catch up some sleep and then back to troubleshooting with minimal sleep. NOTHING!!

I was feeling very tired, and then, I had my private moment again. This time, it was so sunny and I could feel the warmth on my back, and I thought of getting a tan. I just leaned back and just… think.

I think too much, most people say.

Honestly if I can have the power over the thoughts, I wouldn’t like to think that much. Is it really about self-control? Sometimes I do think exercising the control over your thoughts doesn’t necessarily bring away that awful feeling within. I can always try. I am trying.

It was finally evening when I got to meet the girlies for mahjong since Wanyi is back from Aussie!

Food, laughs, and just brilliant company.

Until it was almost 3am when my parents called me to say that Minibean’s brewing fever hadn’t went down and had spiked up instead.

Parents were having some sort of disagreement since my mum’s paranoia and constant naggings(she loves to accuse me and my dad for being indifferent and that baby means nothing to us), and dad threatened to bring baby back to Singapore so my mum doesn’t get to see her.

I was quite annoyed cos that wasn’t really the way to use her.

After couple of exchanges, the fever didn’t go down and went up despite her medication.

Mum started nagging how it was our fault for bringing her out over the weekend and blarblarblar. We look for solutions, she looks for blame. I tried to get her to sponge bath baby but I am not sure if it was something too ‘advance’ for her.

Dad was paranoid about doctors in JB, and thus, he drove the still very energetic Minibean back to Singapore, and headed for the Children’s A & E.

I joined him there, and I was told her fever was 39.5 degrees.

Was diagnosed to be some sort of viral infection and thus the rashes on her cheeks, and the fever was way too uncomfortable for her to sleep.

She puked when the doctor checked on her, and her appetite was waning too. Dad was so tired and his eyes were bloodshot.

We had to wait around in the hospital till her dosage of medication. It didn’t work as expected and we stayed around until the fever went down to 38.8 before she was discharged.

The doctor gave her another prescription to take concurrently with the paracetemol.

Oh, and er, she was given a MC(?). In my state of delirium, I nearly told the nurse that she is currently unemployed.

I got her back and she refused to sleep until I held her in my arms and pat her to sleep.

She finally drifted off when the day was bright and I was superbly tired.

I am supposed to adminster the medication every 4 hours, and it also means I have to rouse her from her sleep.

Her fever finally ceased, though she just puked all over herself, myself and my bed.

But her symptoms didn’t seem to cease and she is crying more than yesterday and feeling more restless.

But at least she is drinking milk, and managed to finish somemore after she had puked bulk of it out.

I am like a duck.

I can’t quite explain the amount of anxiety, or to show it, but seeing how she is crying because of the discomfort just unsettles me greatly.

Intuition is a scary thing

When you piece one and one together, it is scary where you find yourself at.

Now, I think I know why.

And I find it laughable.

Silly. Silly. Me.

It is pretty funny what grogginess can do to you at 4 plus am in the morning.

Minibean’s 1st parties

It was cosy, it was sweet. It was something I had wanted for her, though it was a shame that the many faces I wished had turned up, didn’t.

But I am just glad many others did and it did mean a lot to me. And I really mean a lot.

I was so tired at the end of it, and I supposed so was she. She slept for 12 straight hours, and I slept for 11. I still haven’t quite utilise my new internet connection fully yet.

I greeted her with a smile and a soft happy birthday when she woke up.

It is almost 3 and I am clueless where I should bring her to, today, since there is a family dinner which I am so not looking forward to.

Happy birthday Charissa. You have been an amazing gift. Though you should really stop fighting over the keyboard with me right now. And no, not the mouse either.

Besides her main party, we had a small, cosy, quiet one later, slightly after twelve midnight… after a little walk in the cold, cold night, a little playtime at the bench, and a little cupcake, which was deprived of a candle.

And when you run out of options, a cotton bud could make quite an interesting substitute. Make it many cotton buds.

I had wanted it to be a just-us thingy.

She was lying on my bed looking for the best positions to sleep but couldn’t find any. She toppled all over, and was burrowing for a tight space to nest herself in.

She was trying to burrow into where she came out from exactly a year ago. Hahaha.

I just leaned back against the wall and watched her. It was a pretty picture that brought much emotions from within.

We played a little before she fed on her milk. She was carried into the cot steadily, and she didn’t fuss.

She refused to sleep thereafter, and was tossing and turning, fighting sleep to keep herself awake for more company.

She finally dozed off at 2.12am.

I nearly teared when the day drew a close. I was so tired. I was.. in a way relieved.

It is just sad her actual birthday I can only give less than yesterday.

My daughter is 1 today. It is almost too overwhelming to think of the incidents a year ago. My pride, definitely.

I even announced at 7pm last night how my water had leaked exactly 365 days ago.

And thank you, for making it possible. To show her how loved she is.

And now, I have 3 bags full of new, pretty clothes for her. I can almost imagine how my mum is going to freak out(“tell your friends don’t buy her any clothes ah!”).

I am hungry and tired. I am just having too much on my mind.

Thank you, really. You have no idea how special you have made it to be.

As it was a rush to put everything together without the help of internet, I am just thankful for those who turned up in such short notice.

There were a few things I couldn’t do because I had work… and I guess it was just a shame.

Charissa, Mummy just want you to be happy always.