If there is one thing when it comes to how I do serious things(not applicable to how my life is), is that I don’t really like uncertainty, or to be unsure.

It is enough to push me to do things I normally won’t get out of my comfort zone to do.

Just not too long ago, I had exasperatedly wanted to take matters into my own hands, simply because I didn’t like how everything is heading all directions.

I mean, really, sometimes I don’t like communication with certain work-related people, but let’s say when things really get out of hand, I will want to sort it out.

Yah. So yeap, I wanted to shove the person-in-charge aside, and take things into my own hands cos I didn’t like the pressure thrown on from the other side.

Anyway.

Sometimes you meet bad clients. The kind when you probe and they tell you it is nobody’s business when you want to eliminate the uncertainties.

The contempt was so strong to sniff.

It takes all I had in me to NOT say anything harsh back. It freaking does, and if I had wanted to take things into my own hands because of uncertainties prior, of cos it does.
I mean really, if I pass on the responsibilities just to get more uncertainties, I might as well shove the person aside and get things done myself.

Which I am freaking tempted to.

Of course, I am just a vendor, it doesn’t matter to anyone how I would feel. At the end of the day I am just a worthless piece of shit, who has to endure hypocritical, unfeeling, insincere words coming from them.

***

I am unsure of myself. Somewhat.

I am quite glad I got a couple of things done today.

I went for acupuncture and massage for my bad back and my knee ligament which has been acting up due to the cold weather.

I was told my back is like an old lady’s. I mean, hello? I carried a load in me for like 9 months, do you expect anything less?

I even went to scale my teeth after accumulating 4 years of tartar, cos my gums are bleeding excessively every morning.

The immigration number is totally dead, and I just couldn’t manage to reach ANYBODY. And I am not sure if my email will ever get a reply.
I made some arrangements for an upcoming dinner. I also called up some help for an upcoming event. I still didn’t dare to call my cousin. Dammit.

I got back and I could feel more of my back and then I just fell asleep.

Only to wake up to do the thing I have been doing everyday(yes, JD, it didn’t stop on Sunday).

Now, I just hope there is enough rest to last me throughout the night.. cos there’s much to be finished today.

I am.. unsure.

Of myself.

Scared. Even.

Making things right.

Nope, nothing to worry about, I hadn’t ditch myself into the dark side of self-righteousness.

But baby steps, for much of the stuff I have procrastinated…

Over the weekend, there wasn’t much to be done, though I had wanted to head out for errands.

I didn’t, cos I got the next best thing to a booty call. Mahjong call.

I almost forgot how it was like to play mahjong. It was too mindboggling.

And I broke my Kripsy Kreme virginity. I now know the reasons behind all the raves behind the famous donuts.

I have to assure you guys I ain’t anorexic. In fact, one of the ‘remedies’ I have been doing, is to tune my body to a healthier lifestyle. I have been eating more regularly, which includes breakfast, and I didn’t even eat breakfast for so long.

And the 8-glasses of water regime.

Somehow all of those went to the tummy. Sigh.

I had gained 2 kg. I am almost 46kg, when couple of weeks back, it dipped to 44kg.

***

Started the day with some work. Arranged for a meeting, and things are on track and going according to timeline.

I had wanted to call my cousin to ask for a quote, but I decided against it. The problem with such people is that, no matter what you do, it can never be right. You don’t call to tell them your changes, they say you are blarblarblar, when you do, they say you are spoilt and pushing them and the world doesn’t revolve around you.

So I just called up a friend who agreed to be my backup to help me with the house in case my cousin is taking too long, and getting too rude. In fact, he said he could help me to get in done before baby’s birthday.

I called up the inefficient ICA, which had their line engaged, for hours.

I thought they might have changed their number. I called up directory services without realising I did it subconsciously as I was busied with other stuff.

And then I rambled on about how I needed help with appealing a case and how I am a PR blarblarblar.

And then they connected me to the number, and I was still thinking they were diverting me to another department, before I realised I was talking to a phone directory operator.

So embarrassing can!!!!

I left home for errands, and then it was like speed shopping.

Things I need, I buy, I dump into my very big bag.

And then I went to the bank to get some financial stuff settled. Some money that was supposedly deposited by a friend didn’t go through at all, and I asked for advice.

It was said that it was banked into my account, but it doesn’t reflect in records, and the receipts hadn’t came in.. so I was getting a little desperate.

It was put off for way too long, and I can’t afford to put it off any longer.

Oh. And I begged another friend.

It is a long story. But let’s just say a month before I was supposed to give birth… someone came to me asking for help because “his grandfather was hospitalised”.

So it was a sum of money loaned out… and it was promised to be return in a week cos he knew it was for my labour fees.

Of course. A week became a year. And I should be glad there wasn’t any complication that would require additional charges.

I was almost crying and I even wanted to tell him to treat this as a favour. He didn’t reply. Like how he didn’t last week.

So I messaged him again today. I was edging on begging. To get back my money.

Last I heard, he used the money for betting, not for grandpa.

Honestly, I loaned him base on the trust that he wouldn’t cheat a pregnant woman and how he expressed how he knew I would really need the money for my labour fees.

Then again, in this age and time, ‘trust’ and ‘friends’ one kilo how much?

***

I did a mental calculation yesterday.

By next month, the month of joyous festive, I would be officially a bankrupt.

Hurhur. I won’t be having pay for a while, and even though I have some savings, my debt is due next month, and the countless bills and cord blood banking fees would be due next month as well. Medical bills and all of the above added up to be much more than my bank account could take.

Not forgetting, it is baby’s birthday.

I am just relieved I don’t live hand to mouth for the past month, so it could last me for the year end. And I think my cousin’s contempt just made me want to tie up the loose ends of my financial issues.

Or else, I wouldn’t be so pro-active about getting my bad debts back.. and I don’t like how it is dragging a bit too long. Don’t get it wrong, there are some debts I already written off for whatever amount they could be, cos some friends are really needy and I would have loaned out the money thinking I would never get them back. But these 2 cases are a little different, and that’s why I am adamant about remedying the situation.

***

So anyway, somehow I missed the Jamu drink my jamu massage lady brought for me during my confinement. I saw a Jamu shop in Jurong Point, and I headed in, and then I bought some cheap and good body scrub(better than those expensive brands, and it’s 3 for $10!), and looked for the lemony jamu drink.

I struck up a conversation with the Malay lady in the shop, and then I spoke about my confinement.

And then she suggested some boobs enhancement pills for saggy boobs due to breastfeeding, and slimming pills(uhmmmm…… I told her I don’t really intend to slim down further).

She turned, and swiftly grabbed a bottle of pills placed prominently on the middle shelf, before she lowered her voice to a near whisper, “This is very good, and very useful, many women use this, you will need this, very good for after giving birth.”

I didn’t understand the picture of an alluring girl on the bottle, and as I turned to the back to read, she discreetly turned away and walked two steps away.

I freaking blushed.

It was for vagina tightening(!!!!).

DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED IT?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!

Kegals baby, kegals! Save money! But it wasn’t that expensive for a bottle…. but I was so embarrassed that I tried keeping a straight face as I walked out, without breaking into fits of giggles.

But I didn’t give my poor pot pot any remedy.

Honestly, my jamu massage lady did tell me about this looooooooooooong time ago, I just didn’t expect how much uhm… raves they would receive.

I became such a social idiot that I was actually shy. Gee, how could I ever be?

But huh, I think I should recommend it to all my girlfriends.. those who have swaykee luck. *Chuckles*

Not that I don’t have swaykee luck. I am celibate, you see.

***

I should go for my much needed medical check up soon. I already delayed it for 4 years already.  Who knows I might have a relapse without realising it. Hurhur.

I am having a toothache, and my last dentist appointment was also 4 years. I could feel that there is a cavity somewhere on my right lower jaw.

And towards the end of the year, my knee is giving me problems again in the cold weather.

***

There was a very scary display of thunderstorm this morning.

And it woke me up from… my kinky dream of someone we spoke of last night over mahjong.

Yes, yes, that one, FF.

It was scary.. the dream and the thunder. But I know it was a very very scary thunderstorm.

I was almost crying as I hid myself under the duvet, under the pillow, with my heart racing, trying to shut out all the thunders that was going on non-stop.

I slowly heard the thunders getting further… and further.

***

It was an unexpected missed call.

It was someone I hadn’t spoken to in a while, and hadn’t expected to call.

I hesitated for a while, as I didn’t think I was ready, but I met up anyway, cos I hope there was something I could.. help to make a friend feel better.

On a Sunday night, just as the session with the girlies ended. Oh. How I miss Sunday nights.

We met up in the heart of Orchard, the part where it never sleeps.

As we had an elevated view of the buzzing late-night crowd, we spoke of much stuff, and had something to eat.

We found ourselves looking into the dazzling lights, at the Coffee Club across.. and though I do not know what was on my friend’s mind, I had mental pictures flashing by, peppered with snippets of myself giggling and laughing.

I found myself unable to express well, until tiny bits of information of the past month came trickling out, yet could hardly make a complete picture. Too tired to think, too whatever to feel.

I spoke of my cousin’s attitude, and then I just snapped back to the dazed, don’t feel like talking self.

It was late, before we finally made our way home. It felt good to have a companion who doesn’t try too hard to understand. Maybe that was what both of us had needed last night.

I was saying how I wish it would rain… it would be nice. A cosy night of rain. Under the duvet. Warm and cosy.

Thanks for sending me back, and I hope you feel better soon, too.

At the end of it, I was glad, I was there.

It must have been a very lonely day.

I woke up in the morning to empty out the cabinets.

I don’t have a single call. Then again, I haven’t had calls in a long while. Calls still unsettle me these days. Like only bad news beckon and little else.

I watched television. Lotsa television.

Somehow everything on television made me cry. I am not a vulnerable person(shut up. I am blardy not), but it was like blatantly in my face.

It was about divorce… to begin with. It was alright until this Taiwanese artiste spoke about how she feels like a useless single mother, and how she missed great deal of her child’s growth. She looks glam, she looks foxy, she looks… nothing like the low self-esteem person she claims to be.

She cried when she spoke about her young child. About how she was confident she could cope on her own until reality hit her in her face and she crumbled.

I cried harder.

Oh and then. There was another program, and 4 children spoke out against their step-parents, and how they could never get along with them.

It makes me scared. It makes me feel afraid that I would never find someone who loves Minibean like his own, and provides her with the fatherly she oh-so deserve.

The other night, I was talking to a friend who dropped by and the mention of how I feel bad depriving her of her rights to be a Daddy’s girl… just…. oh well.

I switched channels.

It was Cast Away.

It was painful for me to watch the first time. It was almost too painful to feel that loneliness. To be back into a place, where you don’t belong anymore, and you have to start all over again, leaving all the past behind. That the only companion, is an inanimated objected. I think it wouldn’t leave such a bad taste in the mouth if it wasn’t the fact the wife moved on and married someone else.

I switched channel.. only to watch a comedy about how a guy was trying to cover each little lie.. with another little lie, and to be living constantly in fear, until he came to terms with himself and let the truth set him free.

Strangely, I switched the channel after it finished and it was a foodie program. And of course, what else can the foodie program do right?

Then, somehow, the eatery they recommended, is the place… my estranged step-brother owns.

I saw the lady who is supposed to be my sister-in-law, and despite one simple exchange we had before, she didn’t connect the resemblances.

Then again, I believe if he had known who I am, he would have driven me out of the place.

You know, the feeling of an over zealous child trying to be affectionate to someone who hates children?

Yah. Most of my life I feel that way about… most people.

I am piecing things back together.

But whoever you are, you are wrong.

I was never, ever, confident.

Never.

And that is why, recent events just made all those denials of myself came out in the light.

Cos the facade just couldn’t be hidden anymore.

And it seems like, that esteem issue hasn’t, and will never, go away.