It must have been a very lonely day.

I woke up in the morning to empty out the cabinets.

I don’t have a single call. Then again, I haven’t had calls in a long while. Calls still unsettle me these days. Like only bad news beckon and little else.

I watched television. Lotsa television.

Somehow everything on television made me cry. I am not a vulnerable person(shut up. I am blardy not), but it was like blatantly in my face.

It was about divorce… to begin with. It was alright until this Taiwanese artiste spoke about how she feels like a useless single mother, and how she missed great deal of her child’s growth. She looks glam, she looks foxy, she looks… nothing like the low self-esteem person she claims to be.

She cried when she spoke about her young child. About how she was confident she could cope on her own until reality hit her in her face and she crumbled.

I cried harder.

Oh and then. There was another program, and 4 children spoke out against their step-parents, and how they could never get along with them.

It makes me scared. It makes me feel afraid that I would never find someone who loves Minibean like his own, and provides her with the fatherly she oh-so deserve.

The other night, I was talking to a friend who dropped by and the mention of how I feel bad depriving her of her rights to be a Daddy’s girl… just…. oh well.

I switched channels.

It was Cast Away.

It was painful for me to watch the first time. It was almost too painful to feel that loneliness. To be back into a place, where you don’t belong anymore, and you have to start all over again, leaving all the past behind. That the only companion, is an inanimated objected. I think it wouldn’t leave such a bad taste in the mouth if it wasn’t the fact the wife moved on and married someone else.

I switched channel.. only to watch a comedy about how a guy was trying to cover each little lie.. with another little lie, and to be living constantly in fear, until he came to terms with himself and let the truth set him free.

Strangely, I switched the channel after it finished and it was a foodie program. And of course, what else can the foodie program do right?

Then, somehow, the eatery they recommended, is the place… my estranged step-brother owns.

I saw the lady who is supposed to be my sister-in-law, and despite one simple exchange we had before, she didn’t connect the resemblances.

Then again, I believe if he had known who I am, he would have driven me out of the place.

You know, the feeling of an over zealous child trying to be affectionate to someone who hates children?

Yah. Most of my life I feel that way about… most people.

I am piecing things back together.

But whoever you are, you are wrong.

I was never, ever, confident.

Never.

And that is why, recent events just made all those denials of myself came out in the light.

Cos the facade just couldn’t be hidden anymore.

And it seems like, that esteem issue hasn’t, and will never, go away.