I sat in the living room, dazed.

The cluttered living room is bleeding away.

Silence. Empty. Hollow.

And then, there seems to be so much vast space.

***

Despite the great weather to hole up and sleep, I took a great deal of tossing before I finally drifted off.

It was late. I didn’t sleep much the day before. It was cosy. Something was just lacking.

I didn’t hear the phone, but I heard the door bell. I sprung up from my sleep.

Still a cosy day, still considered early for a Saturday morning.

***

There are many furnitures of this house that was bought hastily by people of poor co-ordination.

I was part contributor at a tender age of 13/14(I mean, honestly, how could anybody forget that?), with mismatched furnitures that piece together the house.

Slowly. I became afraid of the living room. Slowly. I didn’t like my room. Slowly. I changed my room. Slowly. The room is the only place I would go.

Until baby came.

I have the bad habit of keeping everything because they are of sentimental value. I threw away a lot with the lovely help of Enqi, and I remember that night was one of moroseness.

Then things started piling up again. Things were thrown, but not furnitures.

This time, I heard about how furnitures in good condition could be donated to Salvation Army, and they would upkeep it to either sell it to raise funds, or donate it out.

I realised how great condition my furnitures are, for they have been in my house for.. 12 years.

But, much of the furnitures are never used in this house. Simply because, it was just, a house, and never a home.

I am trying. Trying to make it a home. For her.

Nothing much were carried away on this morning.

4 pieces of it.

2 side cabinets. One of which is the one I always habitually put my keys, wallet, letters on whenever I got home. The glass display had countless gifts that don’t really make a picture together, but meant much to me. Oh, I even threw away a Evolution IV model that was given to me by a jerk, but kept the fully painted(albeit disabled) Evolution V I made myself.

And.. that keychain, from Shubin.

And.. some others, that seems juvenile, but had pieced together, and made an impact on much of my life.

And then, there was a big table that was just a shelf for many years, never quite utilised the way it was.

Except when I was 16. When I first had internet. When I was first hooked to IRC, chatting to multiple friends at the same time.

Back then, it was friends I knew. But never from my own school.

They showed me what selfless, genuine, and down-to-earth are.

It made the spare room, my bunk for a while, because the small area made it oh-so cosy.

Now? Uhm, well, I just put the smaller table(it is a set with the big one I gave away) next to my bed in my room.

Very cosy.

Very lazy.

And then.. there was the mirror.

Ah.. the mirror.

***

When I was staying in UK, the house I lived in had this huge mirror that greets you at the foot of the stairs.

It wasn’t a big house, but one I love very much, cos it was… cosy like a home.

Whenever I felt a little out of it, I would sit on the steps, and stare right into the mirror. I would even talk to my housemate there whenever we felt a little homesick.

People took it as vanity.. somehow it was just strange to look into the mirror and ask myself questions.

Sometimes the person in the mirror just didn’t seem like myself.

And sometimes, I cringe at the sight of the person staring back at me.

It was like, I could blame, could scold, could ask, could just… be angry at the face I detest.

It is so strange.

***

It was last year, when Minibean got back home from hospital, when Potato, Midodo and MrsBudak helped to carry the dressing table into the living room to make space for baby.

It is funny how when the table was in my room, it was hardly stared into.

My nanny insisted it was in too good condition to throw, and Salvation Army was too busy since Christmas was their peak, thus, I.. kept it. The girls put it right at the windows of the living room.

Slowly. On it sat the beautiful bouquets from Belle and Glenn.

Then, it seemed to hold a place in the living room as I slowly placed more stuff in it. Then, because of the good lighting, it became a must-stop place everytime before I rush out.

I remember the very first time I ventured out whilst still in my confinement, I had worn a red turtle-neck top, and piled on makeup right at that table, just before I met the girlies, yes Potato, that day at Marina Square, when your first words made me laugh, smirk, giggle…

It was reflecting the Christmas tree behind me, that is no longer in my living room.

And then, it became like a part of the hall.

And then, more things went in.

And then, sometimes, the occasional surprise cuddles from the back, or hanky-pankying.

Then, it became a place for me to bring Minibean to, to get better acquainted with her reflection.

When my mahjong table became a permanent fixture in the hall for me to write, plan, sit around to talk, I often stare into the mirror just behind it.

And then, I slipped back into the mode of… how it was like when I was in UK.

I often shifted my glance into the mirror, whenever I want to avoid eye-contact with whoever I was talking to.

It wasn’t moment of vanity, but one of questions.

For the past month, I often sat at that place, in that chair, and looked into the mirror. Just. Stare.

I was trying to look through something, or to find something in that reflection but it was just.. empty.

Somehow, I felt a little lost, when it was finally removed today.

The mirror must have felt very abandoned. From how it had meant so much, served so much, and given the hope to be kept with all the things piled onto it over time… and suddenly, it loses all its meanings and.. is gone.

Maybe, it wasn’t the cabinet.

Perhaps, I just need a new mirror.

***

In the past couple of weeks, I learnt.

Sometimes, you could turn your back to someone, but it doesn’t stop the urge, the need, the hankering for a pair of arms to suddenly wrap you from behind. A strong pair. To offer all the comfort that you need. No words.

Nothing. Just an embrace.  An embrace that lead to that churn in the tummy, the tingle in the skin.

Nobody has to move. Nobody has to have those usual bursts of fire to have that sparks of chemistry setting off.

As you turn your back, you want to walk away. But you realise you are actually have never moved. You are just on the same spot.

You don’t dare to move. You don’t even dare to breathe.

Because, it is the moment when you yearn for the pair of arms, that sometimes, would never come.