I feel ready, and slightly empowered today.

It is really odd.

You know, it is like you can just wake up one day and *snaps of fingers* you decide and you feel ready to do so.

It was something that I felt slightly for yesterday, but could hardly get myself on path.

Then it grew stronger today.

And you shouldn’t ask me about the day before.

Honestly, the day before was the hardest to get by.

I started great with an early start to the day. A nice lunch with Wenmei at Vivocity. Had a great time shopping by myself(though fruitless trip).. before I started sitting outside, looking at the fountain, and just tear. As if it was nothing. It was like… nothing.

I walked around with no particular emotion and I even helped a group of tourists taking pictures with tears streaming yet they didn’t even sense anything wrong because I was smiling and just having the normal expressions.

I got back.. and it was bad. Quite bad.

But maybe people are right… once you get to the bottom of the pit, perhaps, just perhaps, it couldn’t get any worse.

I was suicidal the day before. And I am not saying this in the attention grabbing sense.. but it was so bleak that.. I could hardly see what is going to be in front of me.

I even browsed some suicide sites to know that I could get ready my anti-nausea pills so I wouldn’t… you know, puke whatever I was ready to take.

I even knew how effective it would be to have alcohol aiding everything.. and the higher the content, the better. So my DOM came in pretty handy. I even had plans for her. I even wrote a will.

I even threw away.. ahem, my toys.

No. Don’t start. Don’t even comment. I don’t want to hear.

But it was strange. Someone called me about work, and it snapped me out of it.

If I ain’t ready, maybe I won’t be disclosing so much… the most I have done in 3 weeks.

Yesterday.

I had another early start.

I am staying put.

I made a few calls, made a few plans. It was high, and low. High and low, swaying from one peak to another.

To the extent that I didn’t dare to get in touch with someone special to wish her happy birthday.

I didn’t answer my confinement nanny’s question of ‘How are you?’, though I was quick to throw her an offer to stay 4 days with me, with 2 spring cleaning sessions(once this month, and once next month), cos the cleaning companies are charging me annoyingly high for 1 session of spring cleaning which will last only 1 or 2 days, and I wouldn’t mind upping the price a little to get someone I feel comfortable with.

She is supposed to be taking care of another baby who is supposed to be discharging today but the baby is still hospitalised for jaundice. So she was able to spare these couple of days for me.

And the day breezed pass pretty soon.

I threw away a huge part of my life in the past 3 days. And in the wake of so, I threw away even more today. Much more so than I had done in the past 3 weeks.

And in the midst of doing so…

It is no wonder the amount of junk I have at home.

My secondary 1 and 2 textbooks.

And the painful reminder that I never once passed my English. I kept this possibly because it was one of the highest grades I ever had.

And uhm… I used to be good in Science, alright?

Though…… apparently the intelligence in that particular field didn’t quite help me much.

Speaking of which…

… it was thoroughly embarrassing when my confinement nanny(who came over to help me with my spring cleaning since those stupid professional cleaning companies didn’t call me back like they said they would, and I would rather have someone who doesn’t complain about the load and someone I trust to do the job, and pay them the amount the companies asked for) was cleaning my room and found a condom box under the bed. But she is a cool chick so I giggled and we could talk openly about it.

We had lotsa fun today.

And we only managed to clean 3 rooms.

She is an amazing help. Now my room’s bulb is changed, and the clock which hadn’t been working for 4 years out of the past 20 years of service has its ticking breaking the silence of the living room.

I even cleared 3 cabinets which are in good condition so I could donate them to Salvation Army.

Though she doesn’t sweep(she mops and wipes with cloth) sanitize or clean the cobwebs on the ceiling(which she would clean the next session) like the cleaning company promises to, she does go through every single item before asking me if I would keep/chuck them.

She even took the initiative to sort out baby’s clothes, and mine too.

She even took the initiative to take my old stuff to donate to her poorer neighbours back home.

She even moved the cabinets and furnitures around the house by herself, which I believe professional cleaners won’t do that(I mean, hello? They don’t even return my calls).

My hall and kitchen are still in a mess. The hall will be in a mess until those items are collected I guess.

I am looking forward to tomorrow.

And slowly… seeing things taking place.

And tomorrow.. will be 3 ladies having fun together with a girls’ night in, and what can beat that?

Well.. auntie will be staying over, and she would be bringing Minibean out with her tomorrow morning(see! She even picks up my baby from Malaysia for me), and buying some food so we can cook and eat in.

I miss home-cooked food! Especially auntie’s ginger with mushrooms! And mee sua with rice wine!

I am a little coughy and sneezy, so I might need to wear a mask with her around. I think it might be allergy to the massive amount of dust around the house.

But hopefully things will be fast tomorrow cos it will be a lot of throwing things away tomorrow!

Fuuuuuunnn!

Baby had a fall today at home whilst she was learning to walk.

Though I have no idea how she fell on the back of her head.

Poor baby…