It was just a few weeks ago before all these happened and you told me that you stop playing mahjong with us because you feel that it will remind you too much of the past, too much of those emotions you went through at the table, and too much of her when I joked that you have new beau and friends are forgotten.
Or it was even the reason why you didn’t want to see us at one point, and that you were ready to lose us as friends.
From what you said last night, she still does hold a place in your heart.
So stop the fucking double standards if you fucking claim you know what you are saying, that you fucking understand.
***
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We’ll both forget the breeze
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
“Can I talk to you? You are not ready to talk? Then when are you ready to talk? Must you really do this? So you are saying you don’t want me as a friend? So are you saying you want to lose me as a friend forever?” she pressed, as she quickened her pace next to mine.
“Which part of yes didn’t you understand?” I snapped back.
Oh well. 2 friends down(or was it 3.. or 4… or 5… or 6…. or 7..?), more to go. *smirk*
When I am not talking to anyone, do not ever corner me. I am not even talking to “close friends” of mine, so don’t take it personally.
I was out today only for work. Don’t even think it is an open opportunity.
For those who think this blog is back for good, you can’t be more wrong.
This space, and myself, will no longer be the same.
I have stayed home and no go anyway(besides official stuff to get documentation done) for almost 2 weeks. And I don’t think I have spoken to more than 5 people. And I find that I don’t even feel like talking to this 5 people anymore.
2 weeks of down, down, down, down, and further down.
And I still don’t feel like blogging. And it annoys me no end with the constant probing. Do I look like I care about what you guys think? I will really love to chase away everyone in my life, including all of you. So if you are annoyed by what I said, and deduce that I am an ingrate, all the better.
Revenge is best served cold, he said.
You have gotten what you want. Exactly, and precisely, isn’t it?
And a personal attack left me crying for every single moment when I was awake yesterday. And all I can do is to wake up for an hour, sleep for an hour, and then wake up for another hour. And there isn’t a single moment went by without tears, and I can even laugh and put on a voice that hardly reflects so.
When you are barely talking to anyone, and the very person you turn to says such things, it is then you realise you don’t deserve, and don’t need friends.
Lose. Everything.
I should be glad that the 3 marks returned me my sanity.
Like he said. I have no life, really. And like he said, I am good-for-nothing, really.
And I believe some will be really jubilant to read this out-of-sorts piece from me.
And you shouldn’t be happy to hear from me.
Cos I just want to have somewhere to document my last words. Before I find somewhere else, or I just still them altogether for good, with myself.
And no, from today onwards, I will not blog about Minibean anymore.
I am nursing the terrible headache right now, which is bringing forth all the grouchiness.
I scrolled through her pictures in the previous post, and then I scrolled through again. And again. And again. And again…. and again…
The heat was horrible. I walked in the sun after taking bus(gasp!) to my meeting again, and I think the headache was brewed then.
We went to Ann Siang Road today to recce a venue, and then we stopped by to Scarlet Hotel, a place I had so wanted to check out, so that we could discuss ideas.
Honestly, with all the brainstorming and planning, I am only afraid that they are all for nothing, especially when we don’t even know if our ideas would be flick out of the windows as soon as we toss them in.
Just a pity the open-air bar wasn’t opened and I didn’t manage to check it out
Oh I had foie gras as finger food.
And despite downing 3 small pieces of it.. I am now craving for it more than ever.
I mean, like really.
I had that in the evening right?
Then I downed a McChicken and a double cheeseburger thereafter. Of course, what is a meal of McDee’s without fries, right?
Yet, I still have the strange craving in my mouth…..
I want to eat foie gras! Fat, tender, succulent, smooth….
I was feeling thirsty and was craving for bubble tea after walking the entire town area to run my errands.
I ordered, paid for it and then I remembered something else.
I was hungry.
I crossed the road to the dumpling noodles shop right opposite, and then sat myself down and ordered my noodles and a cup of tea.
Then it struck me.
WHERE THE HELL IS MY BUBBLE TEA?
I burst out laughing and I cringed badly.
I finished my noodles and I was afraid the uncle might recognise me and it would be damn embarrassing.
So, I walked back to the shop to the laughters of the uncle and his assistant. I sheepishly asked for my honey red tea which I had left behind half an hour before.
Uhm….. my skin quite thick after all.
***
There are times, we feel the need to barrier ourselves, so that we wouldn’t get hurt in the process.
Maybe that’s how innocence is lost. A tiny bit, a tiny bit, and then it all dwindles away.
We get all cynical, we get all suspicious, we get all.. afraid.
Disappointment is capable of mass destruction, and construction.
But one should also remember how tough, exhausting, draining it is, to build a barrier that great a scale.
***
I woke up from just a couple of hours of unsettled sleep, and felt an urge to head out to complete some stuff.
It was raining and I headed out with the drizzle pelting down.
I took a train. I walked around Raffles Place, taking in the memories the place brought me.
I walked for a long, long while, did what I wanted, and then headed to City Hall.
From there, I walked to Bugis.
I dropped by the location where Brian was having his seminar so I could sort out some work stuff with him.
And then, I took a bus to Alexandra. Terribly bus sick.
I had drinks with Wenmei as it rained outside. It has been a long while since I last felt so cozy with the rain out there.
The rain ceased a little and I made my way home while the workaholic continued her OT.
Okay I walked a long, unsheltered way out of the area with the rain getting heavier, before I felt a great urge to pee, and had to run back to the building through the tunnel…
Was pretty aimless, before I took the first bus that came by. It was pretty dazzling as I watched the traffic from the most forth seat… and alighted to change another bus, before walking home with the skies cleared.
I think I do prefer train rides.
***
Had various conversations with SBB, and it is a good change and brilliant diversion from work.
I breathe easier.
***
There is a very nice garden in my neighbour’s backyard. A magnificent, pretty, refreshing one.
People tend to want to have a closer look at it everytime they drop by, because it is so different from my plain, simple one. Sometimes, it could be hideously messy, or just, erratically ugly.
And everytime, people excuse themselves, saying how they want to look at my garden, when all they want, is to peer over next door. The proximity to my neighbour’s fanciful garden.
But when I see the trail of trampled plants and flowers they leave behind, I feel an ache for the love and attention I so painstakingly shower them with, are reduce to nothing with all their carelessness.
They never had a chance. To grow. To become what their seeds set them out to be.
Weeds then grow, and the plain, boring beauty of my garden is then buried.
I could almost feel the infection creeping back after the extensive day, and I spent the next few days at home, walking around knickerless with legs 2 feet apart, and even took up Mel’s very professional suggestion.
It pretty much works wonder, though as I headed out for meals in the past few days, I would come back feeling all uncomfortable again however short the trips were.
Sitting on it isn’t quite helping, so watching lotsa CSI, television, reading and such basically fill my days.
And amazingly, I tried to stretch to push my limit a little more to do a split after not trying for a week.
And I am almost doing a split even though I couldn’t even do so last week!
That’s a lame achievement, but hey, I always envy those who could, you see!
I met up with Johnson and Belle today to pass them some stuff, and I think they didn’t quite recognise me.
I know, I know. I don’t mean to lose so much weight as well. I know I probably look too unhealthy.
I am almost 10 kg lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight, and a good 18kg lighter than my pregnancy weight, and 12 kg lighter than the very day I gave birth(hospital had a scale to devastate us back then).
And yes, don’t remind me about being boobless and bumless. I have been eating okay, and I finish my food too. Though over the past couple of weeks, many a times the stress just put me off my meals after couple of bites.
I do want to gain some weight boobs and I am definitely not anorexic(ask the guys how often do I bug them to eat!) nor bulimic, and am absolutely not trying to slim down just because of the industry I am in.
***
I have been lagging with Minibean’s posts, and this will be a long, long post.
Of those days I spent with her, and the large amount of pictures I have of her.
Mum just told me how she will go “Mamaaaaaaa…. Mama..” whenever she cries these days.
Awww…
And today, she called someone ‘Cheh cheh’ after my mum prompted her to do so.
But she has an attitude, and even if she knows, she would purposely not do it unless she feels like it.
She loves remote controls. But she knows what the controller does. My parents tried to take out the batteries for the television control, yet when she fails to see anything happening on the television after pressing it, she immediately threw it away.
Tooth fairy has given her exceptional attention, and she now has 4 upper teeth coming out at the same time, causing much more discomfort than usual.
And she loves to stand up with the help of support, and then claps as she stands on the spot, doing it only when she is on cushioned places.
She no longer likes confined spaces, and demands to be let out on the floor.
And I was overwhelmed with emotions when I am thinking about planning a nice, cosy, brilliant one year-old birthday party for her.
You think it is too fast, but it is just a month odd away.
You mean it has been that long…? Gee.
***
Dad had a meeting today, so most likely I would only see baby tomorrow. And I have to remind myself that her next jab is coming up soon amongst other things.
I thought about it and I ain’t exactly up for the idea for her to grow up in a place like JB. In fact, I find it hard to reconcile with the fact that I am allowing her to be growing up in JB now.
***
Last Sunday(30th September), I followed Dad back to JB in the afternoon, and we went in by the Tuas route cos the Woodlands Causeway was way too jam.
Tuas’ traffic wasn’t exactly smooth either and the jammed roads in JB didn’t help much.
The trip was excruciating.
But it was great when I stepped into home, and I opened the room door to see her standing by her cot, looking at my sleeping mother.
She turned when she heard sounds, and with her hands firmly on the side of the cot, she turned her head with ample alertness, and flashed the brightness smile when she saw me standing at the door.
I went over with my hands extended and she leaned onto my arms.
I abducted her successfully without my mother realising, as she continued to sleep.
She crawled so quickly that I lost a few pounds trying to catch up with her. Her hair is so much longer now and she has to bear with this period of bad hairstyle until her hair is long enough to style heh.
Even without the pacifier, her teeth are already crooked with her constant pulling.
It was a good half hour before I put her back into her cot, and she cried as I closed the door.
That woke my mum, and I joked that my daughter would follow any abductor should any one decided to burgle the house.
She couldn’t sit still, and was exploring everything possible.
And she would actually follow us as we taught her to say… “A…”
Mum fed her porridge, and put her into the walker.
She has a strong grip and we always have to guard against her sneak attack whenever she made a grab for the bowl.
The week before, I was joking that her handshake was rude cos she had the tendency to withdraw her hand after a second, and this time, Mum asked me to try it again. She held it there much longer and my mum was so proud of it.
She even know how to follow us when we sing, and even know how to vibrate her lower lips to make soft, melodious sounds to amuse us. She is just so lovely.
After her dinner, I was playing with her in her walker, when she suddenly decided to make her prison break attempt.
I almost wanted to take a video with Mission Impossible tune in the background, but my memory card was maxing out.
She had leaned her body weight forward, and placed her feet on the plastic rim which has the wheels attached to.
Then, with weight on her elbows, she pushed herself upwards, and then placing her knee on the seat of the walker.
She reached for my legs for support, and hung her body out of the walker.
And then!!!!!!!!!!! She supported her weight by her palms.
Her feet got hooked in the seat and I didn’t help her. She shook it off, and then…
… Tadang! She made a safe landing.
My spiderbaby!
I immediately put her back into the walker, and she wailed the moment I made her efforts redundant. Hehehe.
Do not try this at home. She did it with supervision, and with no assistance.
Sidetrack a little, I hate the fact that sometimes when I want to carry her, and if she doesn’t respond, my mum will be so happy, declaring, “HAHAHA! See! She doesn’t want her mother.”
I absolutely hate that.
Me and my parents headed out for dinner and we went to the same place we had dinner just the week before.
She was amused with every passing baby/kid, and I think she longs for companionship. I think she will grow up to be someone who is scared of loneliness.
She was tired as my parents drove me to the causeway and she fell asleep before I got off in the midst of horrendous jam, and walked my way from JB to Singapore…
I dropped by Clementi to get some stuff from Justine before she sent me home.
It was a very… solitary, isolated feeling.
***
I am feeling that way again.
It is just sad that on a Saturday night like this, I could find no one to talk to when I feel an explosion of revelations within.
I am watching Road to Perdition now, and it just leaves me feeling more gloomy.
***
18th September – Dad picked me up from Novena Square and we headed back to JB to pick Minibean up.
She was instantly drawn to the button badge on my bag.
On it, it says, “BAD BITCH AHEAD”.
There is a story behind it when Brian bought it as a sample piece to show to supplier, and he had intentionally bought it for yours truly.
The funny thing was, when he was bringing it down in his laptop bag the other day, the pin somehow unhooked itself and was poking his ass from behind.
Hurhurhur, his karma.
Anyway, baby was so amused by it that she immediately zoomed in on it the moment she was put on the floor to crawl.
And she amazed me when she managed to unhooked and freed it from my bag when I wasn’t looking.
Tsk, baby! Dangerous!
Come to Mummy!
We went for dinner together in JB, and she was well-loved by the restaurant’s staff.
But the baby chair couldn’t quite restrain her as she tried her superbaby stunts again.
She pushed herself up onto the baby chair..
Leaned over it, and attempted to grab whatever that was on the table.
When she couldn’t, she crawled out of it.
*Cues Mission Impossible music*
Mummy brought her back to Singapore and spent some time bonding with her by stuffing her under the duvet with me. With her hair down, she looks like a little boy again. Heh.
Mummy loves baby! That’s MY baby pillow and HER baby pillow behind us.
Yay. Baby back with Mummy.
No!! I don’t want your kiss, Mummy.
Her happy grin, though I kinda miss her toothless.
I changed her into her PJs, and she retired pretty late in the night, after refusing to sleep before midnight.
From here, you can see her cosy cot of gifts. Cot mobile from Auntie FF, the side light(no longer working) from Uncle Ryan, and Elmo from Cheh-cheh Josephine. Not forgetting the PJs from Auntie Renee and Uncle Bryan.
She woke up in the morning, trying to get my attention.
My dad is always willing to drop everything just to bring her around.
I fed her, bathed her(she is getting used to the shower spray), before I prepared all her stuff whilst Dad looked after her.
She knows who to leverage her authority on, you know?
We finally left home and were half an hour early for the appointment.
She was constantly excited as she meet new babies and friends.
Just before her jab.
Doctor was saying she is still a bit small-sized for her age.
Whenever she wakes up, her left eye will always be a little swollen, and thus, appears smaller.
And yes, after all these while, the tongue-spitting thingy is still not under control. Heh.
Her cheeky grin just before she was sent in for her jab.
The nurse told me the jab is usually more painful for the babies, and thus she might cry a bit more.
But my brave little one just let out a wail and as soon as I sat her up and distracted her, she was fast to stop, though she still looked on to me as if I had betrayed her.
Baby, Mummy just wants to vaccinate you against bad bad diseases, so you can be well and healthy, okay?
My totally unsuspecting precious.
She had a companion who came over to play with her, and she clearly enjoyed the company.
Mummy then brought her to town, where we stopped by Playworks to say hi to the fantastic people who helped me through very tough months.
We then met up with Brian, and went around town to look for mooncakes.
We walked to and fro several hotels, before we settled for Carlton’s.
We sat down for coffee at Raffles City’s Gloria Jean’s, before Dad picked us up to head back to JB.
Minibean and her baby giraffe.
She was on her best behaviour despite how she would usually be grouchy after jabs. Probably because she was pushed around the area(she even jaywalked across to Raffles Hotel with the help from Brian), looking at people.
We put her in the baby seat on the way back so she would get used to baby seat.
And I find this picture incredibly cute cos of the sparkle in her eyes…
She pooed on her way back, and of cos my Mum went on and on about how I didn’t manage to detect it.
Then again we were trapped in the traffic for a good hour and half, and she was sleeping, I really wouldn’t have known. She had a quick shower and was back into the arms of my anxious mum, cos she normally feels a little discomfort after jabs.
Her and the Winnie beanie Papa bought her months ago.
And of course, her fixation on remote controls…
They sent me to the customs again with her in tow, and I really don’t like the feeling of heading back home alone.
***
6th September. Parents planned for a trip to KL, and thus, baby would be with me for a good 4 days. *Beams*
I went back to JB to pick her up that Thursday evening, and she immediately let me carry her.
She is narcissistic, definitely not from me. Ahem.
Don’t ask me why my mum would dress her up like this, but her explanation is that she tends to chew on her buttons these days.
Her looking at Mummy’s double chin.
Muahahahaha I just thought this is a funny pose.
She happily played peek-a-boo with me, before she was in the walker… so she could have, er, birds’ nest.
See how pampered she is!
Tsk, my parents are spoiling her silly.
No wonder she behaves like the queen of the household.
As much as I do have much pictures taken with her, I often think that it is never enough, and I don’t seem to have enough pictures of me and her, since I would have to self-take these pictures.
Mummy trying to annoy Minibean with “hair-brush”.
I brought her home, and cradled her until she fell asleep.
Despite the huge area of her cot, she is capable of flipping to every corner of the cot.
The next day, she slept till afternoon before waking up, and… *drums roll*Minibean in her bathtub with her uhm.. vibrating teething toy.
We left the house pretty promptly though we had no idea how long the day was ahead of us.
You know the days when she would lean in close and just be glued to my chest? It is rare these days since she would be more interested in the surroundings.
We met up with Brian and Roy at Sim Lim, where we became manual workers.
Uncle Roy abused her.
Though it surely beats her using the transparent piece of plastic as her teething toy.
She fell asleep as the rest of us concentrated on the production.
It wasn’t long before we realised we were not even 100 disks down, and we had 1200 in total to finish.
It was almost evening, and Brian managed to get help from Mork.
Yeap, that’s the stack of CDs we had to finish fitting.
Though it wasn’t until Monday that we had to deliver, we decided to finish it at one go on Friday.
It was repetitive, and I find it very therapeutic.
Though Minibean was probably bored stiff.
We went for dinner at Hotspot after Mindy joined us, before Mork gave us a lift to his place, with all the goods in tow(so coincidentally he was driving a van that day).
We ended up at Auntie Mindy’s place, and hmm somehow everyone loves to comment on the massive thighs of Minibean.
And then, Minibean has a new friend! Which would probably make my mum cry murder should she see…
Minibean’s new friend! Buttons!
She was apprehensive..
And she wondered who the ‘baddie’ was.
And she started to warm up to it.
Buttons felt left out when all the attention was on her.
And yes, those boxes behind were those we had yet to start with and had to finish.
It was pretty swift when she found a new interest.
She was trying to make sense of the ink on Brian’s leg.
“Mummy.. can I..?”
No, baby, don’t even think about it.
Brian babysat a while as Mindy and I were at the back in the kitchen.
“So fast ah? Very soon she will be asking questions,” she said as I was peeing in the bathroom.
I felt a heaviness, as it was the exact thought I was having. Time flew by so quickly and we all know the surprises time will bring.
“Yeap, and I will be thinking of what to tell her, but then I thought about it, should she ever ask, I would say that you have a lot of Papas like Papa Nick, Papa Roy, Papa Brian to fend for you as you grow up and give you all the papa-ly love, and grandpa is your father-figure,” I replied.
I am not sure how the conversation went, but I think she asked if I would ever tell Minibean who he is. I said I would, when she is sensible enough, cos it is her rights.
We went back to the productions, and Mindy’s parents were back.
Before that, we were joking that we would pretend that the baby’s Mork’s, to see their reactions.
They had initially thought she’s a doll as Mindy was playing with her.
They carried her and then they asked her “Where’s your daddy?” so that she would look at Mork, but she just looked totally bewildered and looked towards the very busy and emotionless Brian instead, which prompted everyone to laugh.
Baby and Mork, with his friend online (*wave* if you are reading), whom I chatted to for a while, before I was shooed back to work on the CDs.
Aww.. look at that innocence in the eyes.
Finally, a break, because our supper delivery was finally here:
No baby, no McDee’s for you.
She seemed pretty contended with the card in hand.
So much so that she pretty much entertained herself with picking the card up.
Though she actually slipped later on and fell flat on her face and wailed badly until I went over to carry her.
My poor darling was then pretty subdued, and fell asleep together with Buttons.
It was one of the cutest picture to watch, as I occasionally bent over to give her a kiss.
We finally finished by 7 plus am and I carried the sleeping beauty, took a cab back in the storm, and had a cosy sleep.
She slept till afternoon, thus I managed to have a bit of sleep as well, though I woke up with a bad headache and feeling really weak.
I showered her and put her in the dress that Uncle Roy bought for her.
She was to meet her young sweetheart on that very day.
It was Baby Axl’s baby shower!
We headed to Traders’ Hotel in the evening, and she had people carrying her, and she even tried to pull the collar of one guy and pull the buttons of another.
The lights dazzled her too.
And that’s why she is so happy.
I love this picture! Cos it is so rare that I have someone to take a picture for the both of us.
And this picture is so cute can! My cheeky little one melts my heart everytime I look at her.
No wonder Uncle Roy once said how he finds it hard to reconcile with the fact that something like that can come out of me.
Tsk tsk. This lass just has to get her way.Love love love this picture.
Her new hairstyle!
I feel like biting on that arm!
And I wonder what’s wrong with Brian, taking such a provocative shot of Minibean.
Mindy was saying Minibean was trying to seduce Brian as she tried to unbutton his shirt.
Eye contact, baby.
Hand on the chest…
Pose…
Smile… oh look, matching colours!
And lean in close.
She is such a little charmer.
I think this is a really cute picture and she looks like a puppy.
She fell asleep and Brian very generously walked into 7-Eleven and bought her a pillow.
A Winnie the Pooh pillow.
Damn cute eh?
She seems to be very thrilled by it as well.
She fell asleep in her cot after a long day…
We spent a nice, simple Sunday at home, and I am amazed by how she could fall asleep while sitting up.
She fell asleep whilst sitting up and just toppled over.
We spent the evening laughing, watching television together.
She was totally amused by my belly button.
My tummy was so wobbly that I was afraid she would fall without me holding on to her.
“Mummy’s tummy needs toning!”
She happily showed me how she could stand up just by holding on to the wall.
And I am beginning to discover her potential for posing for magazines.
Speaks plenty of attitude there, eh?
We had an earlier night on Sunday, before we headed out to Sim Lim on Monday to meet the uncles again.
Check out those thighs that everyone had been talking about.
My little flying baby who had so much fun!
Brian and I had coffee for a little while, before I realised Dad would be delayed, and thus, I headed home with baby by cab(thanks Brian, for helping and waiting for a cab with us) since I wasn’t feeling exactly too well.
Dad came back to pick her up, and since she hadn’t napped, she slept all the way on the journey back to Malaysia.
Mum and Dad couldn’t stop going on about how they weren’t used to her being away for so long.
***
Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to see her again.. before the next couple of weeks will really consume me.
Sometimes, all I need is just to blog about her, to find that balance within me again.
