I tried the colorgenics thingy from JD’s blog, and…. it was a true reflection of what I had just spoken to someone in a long talk just before I got home at past midnight.
“The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.
Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person – so much so that ‘the wrong word’ can lead you to tears. You feel other people’s pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.
Circumstances are holding you back, forcing you to back off and to forgo all the pleasures, fun and games for the time being. But this is only a temporary situation and before you even know it the situation could change.
You are trying to prove yourself – not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different – to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don’t like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes.
It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own making simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial ‘you’ is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities. You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.”
Uhm…. what can I say beside the fact that it is absolutely creeeeeeeeepppppeeeeeey.
***
Today has been yet another hectic one. It didn’t kick off to the right start and I was terribly upset by what could have been miscommunication or just… a rather meetup with someone recently, and it could lead to unnecessary bad feelings or misunderstandings.
I already stated I wish to have no part in that aspect because.. simply because.
And I honestly have no idea what others would be thinking about it. It eventually brought forth a lot of unhappiness within myself which I just… took it out on people around me(only Brian la, since he was the first to meet me about work today) because I had no wish to be told what to do, which I would already anticipate what he would say.
I have no balance, and I know that.
So much so that I had insomnia last night again. Grr…
We rushed down from Far East for casting, before we rushed off for the Breitling for Bentley launch at Millenia Walk.
And that was when my past haunt me when I bumped into this guy who eventually became a teacher, and was there with his wife.
I would never forget that phase of my life, where I gullible took in whatever lies a guy can smother me with.
And Jiali, if you are reading this, you would have a very good idea who he is. Haha.
Of course, my esteem would never bring me far enough to go up to him to ask him if it was indeed him, and why he has put on so much weight.
And coincidentally, I bumped into Selene, whom I knew through him at the same event.
How small can the world be?
I even bumped into the very nice Ohlins(from the biking group last time)… which of course brought back lotsa memories too.
Problems with me is, memories bring me further in to my shell. I wish someday I could just proudly stand with my head high, and recognise the fact that I, am no longer haunt by the past, and my esteem would not be affected anymore.
I know I have esteem issues. And no, I am not ready to hear what you guys have to say about it.
***
Had dinner at Burger King before we went on separate ways.
Brian just had to bring up the issues at the hot and humid carpark, before I had to shoo him off to a petrol kiosk or something where we could grab a drink or some sort.
We sat by the petrol kiosk at Balestier to iron out some work issues before going on separate ways.
***
Yesterday was equally unadventurous, though it did become more productive even though I just stayed home and did whatever co-ordination I could.
Now, more or less everything is settled, and if everything goes as smoothly as planned, it would be a sigh of relief till event day.
I… dread…. event… day.
Anyway, we went out to have dinner with birthday girl Tracy last night, before we adjourned for drinks at Grapevine again.
Max says my boobs damn small and I agree with him.
I woke up today with no clothes I would want to wear. I wear baggy clothes cos of flabby, untoned tummy, and to hide the flatness.
In fact, I realised why I don’t dress up anymore. Cos my esteem just doesn’t bring me far enough, and I would just dress down and casual so no one has things to say.
“I am a mother of one,” is a great excuse when they comment I look like an absolute auntie.
I looked at the clothes and dresses I used to wear, and honestly, I had tears in my eyes cos I feel THAT lousy.
***
I can’t sleep.
Dammit.
Again.
madam, FYI , i got your backlash too…. not just Mr brian..
He worse. he suffered it all the way bo dai bo ji at far east.
U… u deserved it!