I have had one of the more ‘happening’ weekends in a while.

Yet, I still can’t find it within me to want to blog, as if words got choked back by God-knows-what reason.

Even intensive probings from close friends, or even SBB, just couldn’t seem to release whatever I am trying to suppress back.

I seldom encounter such, and I found myself doing such for the past few days.

I am not even sure what is wrong with myself, that sometimes, when I am upset, it would perhaps take a day or two for things to pass.

This has last way too long, and instead of keep saying I am okay, I know for sure that I am not.

I have to admit, I am unhappy.

And still, words just don’t seem right, and I just can’t find it within me… to speak, to write, nor the extra ounce of energy to perk myself up.

I am unhappy.

And my defense mechanism is too strong for anyone’s comfort these days, and I feel.. as if I have hostile vibes about me that might just prick anyone unintentionally.

I feel like quarantining myself, for the good of the human race. Ha.

You know, how sometimes you can talk and talk to people closest to you about your problems, but whatever you say, you know they are only the crust of the surface, and never to the core.

Perhaps, it is just defense mechanism at work, that it is nothing more than a smoke bomb to lead people to believe what you want them to believe.

Maybe things are just getting to be clearer.

Maybe, I will never be happy.

Maybe, I will never allow myself to be.

I don’t know. It is as if something within me died for good, and I don’t even know what it is.

All I know, it is gone, it went away, it is missing.

And without it, I know I am the most unpleasant person to be around with.

Yet somehow, I know I should have killed it off long before.

Long, long before.