I lost it tonight.

Screaming down the phone at Brian(it became a shouting match!), hauled vulgarities at Roy over SMS, sending curt SMSes to Tracy, when all the angst should all be directed at the culprit – Kelvin Tan. (All of them were shocked I guess, for they had never seen me like this before…)

Arghhhhhh.

Okay, nevermind.

Right after screaming down the phone at Brian, I hung up the phone and just broke down and sobbed.

Uncontrollably.

Right at Ang Mo Kio MRT station, for an entire hour. It was near midnight.

I wanted to head to Orchard, so I could grab a bus to my office(yes, at past midnight) but as my tears lost all control, I was afraid I would be stopped at the gantry by the SMRT staff, cos most probably they would put me in a straight-jacket to prevent me from jumping the tracks.

So I just stayed around, stranded, and just aimless.

It was just a hard, harsh day, and I am just fucking, fucking, tired.

More about this episode, and today’s event some other day.

***

I just got back at 3 plus am, after I made a final work stop at my River Valley office after a long day.

I am just glad I am now sitting in front of my monitor, and that if I want to cry, I have my pillow with me.

***

I think I am just PMS-sy.

The last time I felt this way, was perhaps when I was pregnant and my emotions went haywire in the first trimester when I had crying spells.

By the way, it is just weird that last year this day, I cried just as much.

If things had went the ‘other’ way, 18th May would be the day I would remember as the day I.. give Minibean up.

And last year 17th May… I remember how I was calling Wanyi from East Coast, as I sobbed in the dark… and refusing 101 phone calls from SBB, making him darn panicky when I had sent him an email to tell him that I was chickening out from the surgery.

I remember we said goodbye at Miss Clarity.

I hugged him goodbye, knowing what I was going to do, when he had thought he would see me the next day at the hospital.

It was fucking ouch as I turned my back, after the supposed ‘last hug’ that I almost refused to let go, and as I walked aimlessly down the streets, I ended up somewhere near Raffles Hospital(I remember he called to check where I was), and hopped on a cab towards East Coast, where I sent out the email from McDee’s.

He was shocked. He felt that he was fucked upside down.

I wasn’t sure if it was anger, helplessness, or just simply resignation..

***

It is good, I let out a lot of pent-up stress within me, and I just feel so exhausted that I know I could be fully recharged, soon.

***

I had coffee with Vamp on Monday night after she dropped by to get a couple of items from me for a shoot.

The stall uncle asked, ‘Where’s handsome?’ and SBB was damn happy to be remembered as ‘handsome’. Eek.

She was saying how Minibean is growing to be a splitting image of SBB. -Gasp in horror-

Which is funny, cos someone told me that Minibean ‘fortunately’ has not so much resemblance to SBB, but me. Muahahaha.

Maybe I look like SBB.

It was a night of nice catch up, though my meal-less day made my tummy churned after a heavy meal of spicy food.

I ended up feeling damn unwell as I walked home, and had to rest by the lobby bench and called the heartless creep for ‘manja-ing’.

I ended up puking my dinner out, and burrowed under the duvet… feeling miserable as I felt a slight tummyache.

***

Headed out on Tuesday to meet up with the girlies for movie. Had dinner at Plaza Singapura by myself, before doing some grocery shopping at Carrefour.

After what the girls had reviewed about 28 weeks later, all I can say is…..

… Damn, I should have finished their nachos and the red-dotted 9-inch hotdog(with lotsa red…. chilli).

I gritted my teeth most of the time, and I realised how I can conceal my emotions damn well, though internally I was greatly traumatised.

Gore and blood really not for me. The most interesting part of the show is to look at those snipers, and I was reminded of the good ol’ days of Battlefield 2.

***

I reached back and *giggles* SBB came over.

We had supper till the ‘optimum’ timing and returned to watch my CSI: Miami finale(I love Jake!), which I was so eager to watch, but was left feeling damn disappointed.

I was distracted, must be.

‘Optimum’ timing wasn’t optimised(inside joke).

I hugged the very warm body to sleep after I made him sit through Heroes with me, and it was a nice sleep till this morning, when work calls have to disrupt my sleep.

But I remember I was woken up by a nice little kiss when he sprung onto the bed after washing up, and offered a nice little hug to start the brand new day.

If only the end to the day, is as nice as the start of it was.

I miss my baby.

I really miss her very much.

Now, the thought of her, and looking through her pictures just make me…. wanna bawl again.