I remember how my body was already sleeping but my mind wasn’t.

It was a very weird feeling, as I could feel my mind still fighting to keep conscious, and I was already dreaming.

It was an odd dream. I remember JD, FF were both inside.

I remember I was in a dark, dark room, and I was trying to arrange the furnitures in the dark.

I woke myself up, and I was feeling fully awake, and after a couple of minutes, I allowed myself to went back to sleep.

The dream continued.

The pattern repeated 4 or 5 times. Some of the times, when I was with my eyes opened, the dream actually continued itself.

And then SBB called, and I picked up the call with a very alert voice, and a very alert mind, but it was so strange, cos I could feel my body asleep and my dream continued, but it is not the kind that you are nodding off and not replying kind, but the kind that you revelled in and trying to figure out that oddness of it.

It was just plain odd.

I went back to sleep as I bade him good night.

Strangely, this time round, the dream ended for good.

***

As I tried to put my fear behind me, and push it to the back of my head, I realise I could hardly do so.

I started the day today at 2-ish pm, and the first thing I did was to message to my friends for prayers, and at the same time, sobbing uncontrollably like I had just woken up from a bad dream.

Just that, it might not be a nightmare, but a painful truth.

I will just stay home and wallow today. I don’t feel like eating, don’t feel like doing anything.

I found myself hugging the duvet, staring at the ceiling, stoning, with brief moments of positivity slipping in and out of me.

I want to blog my next post, which is a happy post.

Looking at the pictures is enough to make me smile.

Like how I was talking to SBB last night, and losing control of my emotions as I voiced out my fears(did I mention how I hate crying in front of him?), everything he said out of concern just received snappish remarks from me.

“How long have you been holding it to yourself?”

“Quite sometimes, I guess. Just that it isn’t something I want to think about. But today, the nagging thought is just too much, and I just have to try to find out. I can’t even bring myself to talk about it…. ”

My voice trailed off as I couldn’t find it within me to continue.

Yet, when the topic was brought on to Minibean, those were fast even outs.

I am just very glad, that I kept Minibean, for she, irons out much regrets in life, and that she might just be the one, bringing the memories I wish to preserve.