“We can’t pretend we haven’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to ‘seize the day’. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.”

I remember the conversation last Saturday.

I can’t try.

I can’t bring myself to.

***

Oh did I blog about secrets? I just watched the season finale of season 1 Grey’s.

“One thing is certain, whatever it is we’re trying to hide; we’re never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked. That’s the problem with secrets – like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything, until you don’t have room for anything else, until you’re so full of secrets you feel like you’re going to burst.”

The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they’re out in the open, like it or not. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don’t have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you’re in control, you’re not.

***

I spent today at work for an extended training, simply because yesterday’s training was cut short because of a launch(damn, I didn’t even know!).

I finally ended the running-abouts for the past few days, and headed home straight after work.

By the train, no less.

It is interesting that our DISC profile was evaluated today, and strange enough, for the first time in many, many years, and possibly the first time in my life, I am branded as a high ‘D’, both internally, and externally, and I am a low ‘I’, which I suspected was what was expected out of my trainer, as I had displayed flamboyant I traits throughout.

I assume it is because I was darn stressed and work-focused yesterday that this profile is based solely work wise.

But I shall declare DISC a whole load of bullshit, because it has reflected that the candidate, who is yours truly, is under little or absolutely no stress. The only part it gotten correctly is that I wouldn’t cope well with stress shall it arise.

Anyway, the DISC evaluation had branded me unpredictable and it is unable to determine my strengths nor weaknesses, nor could it elaborate more.

Bummer.

Ah well.

I reached home today feeling kinda okay.. I almost forgot tomorrow is a holiday.

I just watch and watch Grey’s, and I want a Dr Shepard or a Dr Burke in my life.

It’s like… doctors are just, so, yummy.

And perhaps, I am tired of mothering, and just need someone to tell me what to do, so I don’t always have to be… strong.

Oh.. and the wits.. and the dreamy-ness, and the sexiness… and most importantly, the lingering gaze, oh yes, the lingering gaze that speaks a thousand words, and more.

***

I almost forgot tomorrow is a holiday.

I almost wanted to ask him over.. until, I remember not everyone has off days on holidays.

I was looking on, from the corner of my eyes again.

***

Dad was utterly sweet when he bought an exact same Exilim for his daily use.

I had bought one for him back then, and he decided it was so good that he bought one so he could give one to me for use.

I chided him for spending the extra money and how I could possibly get a better bargain.. and he told me how he was trying to get a DVD player and thus he was in the area(read: Sim Lim, which is where I was for the past 2 days, and he so should have called me so I could just call uncle Roy!).

***

I saw Charissa last night.

I am happy.

I was almost tearing when I put her in the cot.

She fell asleep in my arms, on the car, when I brought her out for supper with the guys to celebrate Nick’s birthday.

She is getting cuter, and prettier.

I had bugged them to fetch me to my JB home so I could see her. I was so in need of a dosage of sanity.

She grabbed every single thing in sight, and has a strong grip.

She was holding the spoon, and the amazing thing is, she would never drop whatever that was given to her.

And when I attempted to get it away from her, she would pass it to her other tiny hand.

I really, really love you, my sweetheart.

It is just simply amazing everytime she would lean on my chest, and doze off…. as if that Mummy is her greatest security fort.

If only.

***

I am sick. Bad throat, bad cough.

That would mean no Minibean for me till I recover.

I am just so glad the guys were brilliant enough to give in to my request to leave earlier than the rest to send me home.

My mum was very nosey and came down just to see my cousin and my cousin’s girlfriend. Duh.

***

I miss you baby. Mummy really does.

I miss you.

***

Damn. I type this until the tears well up.

***

I have been called ‘auntie’ looking for the past 2 days due to my frumpy dressing.

I totally abhorred the long training hours, and I could barely keep myself awake.

We went down to Suntec yesterday for the product launch and I had drinks with Filee(I missed you much, babe! Glad to see you happier now!).

Left early to check out some stuff, and rushed down to Sim Lim.

Happy! BRATworks officially raked in its 1st 3 cheques!

Though the evening was a heavy one, with me reasoning with a client cos something simple had went wrong in every way it could.

It is just that it was pretty unfair in my opinion cos their in-house designer had a huge part to play when we reverted back to him a few times and he had totally given the wrong information or was not of help(Bugger hung up on me). I should say I am proud of what my side did, to tally the colour with precision for them, and pressing them for exact details, or else the designer would have messed it up big time.

Ah well. It deserves an entry on its own, and I just wanna end it on a good note. And I am surprised by myself, sometimes.

***

All of us headed into JB at around 9ish last night, and was caught in the jam.

Happy 30th Nick!

You are like, so old.

Big Three. Ha! Ha! Ha!

But dammit. I am just 4 years away from it.

***

I quite like the bar at Marina Mandarin.

Hmm.

***

“Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know, maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

***

Who did I wanna ask over, you ask. Possibly cos you just read this.

You.