I once said it, that I feel hate itself, is too harsh a word, an too extreme an emotion.
I never thought I would.. and this is absolutely out of nowhere, except for a browse through my archives.
This I read. And the one on September 22nd.
And I know not why, of a strange squeeze to the heart.
Then, I mockingly laughed at myself that how these make this Goodbye Post look downrightly stupid.
And for the very, very first time, I actually feel hatred. Strong, disgusting, bring-nausea to the throat kind of hatred.
And much more amazingly, hatred, for you.
And then, everything comes in a full circle, and the realisation dawned upon me why the conversation that fateful night.
I hate you.
Possibly the 5 hours talk was a pre-empt cos you would one day fear, the new girl you fell for then would ever find out. And thus, the ‘warning’ tone.
And the mockery of that post grew clearer. Shine glaringly brighter.
And the one on 22nd, you need to tell me your frustration of your friend judging you. And I told you to breathe. And as I remembered what was your friend chiding you about, I laughed.
I know it will go away, in minutes.
But… this feeling is so strong that, I scare myself.
As I discover more bits about myself, this is something I need to record down, to register for this strange phenomenon that I could be so capable of resenting and despising someone that much that tears are brought to my eyes.
It is just a pity that, it gotta be you.
And I feel it in me that, you too, once, have this feeling for me too.
It is unfair that this mutual hating is based on the past.
I don’t like this part of me.
Perhaps, sometimes the only one I hate.. is myself.
And when someone reminds me so much of myself… I can’t help but, hate.
OH NO. Don’t do this to yrself. It’s not wrong to love someone wholeheartedly, but it’s disgusting to have that love being taken advantage of.
The person I love wholeheartedly is Minibean
I think it is perfectly alright to feel hatred, because you start recovering after this stage.
You are right about one thing though, sometimes the one we hate most, is ourselves for being downright stupid, naive, soft-hearted and forgiving.
Then again, besides loving minibean wholeheartedly, you should love yourself wholeheartedly too. =)
*hugs*
dont hate yourself babe. *hugs*
You are one of the strongest people I know, sweetie. And I think you deserve nothing more than to be totally happy with someone who really deserves you. What I’m trying to say is: hating him is fine, but don’t hate yourself. Just use the momentum to get the hell away from him.
Startears said it right.
Hey, nice layout. That picture with your title ‘Out of My Mind’ somewhat portrays an image of a place where the “mentally troubled” go for rehab.
This reminds me of a song called.. wo hen wo ai ni.
Hmmm.
startears: ah… trying to love myself is something i have tried to come to terms with.. all my life.
i will. one day.
nadnut: *HUGGG uu adorable sweet lil thing*
Uma: Strong? Where?! Like i said in the post, the momentum doesn’t last more than minutes since it was based on past posts that stirred memories n emotions. now i know why some people are perpetually sour all their lives.. they have been tryin to gain momentum!
kelly: Uhm.. it was an honest mistake when i had wanted to click on the picture to browse the picture before i realised they had changed it in a flash. not exactly what i have in mind.. but i will live with that till my lazy ass can figure out how to do up this thang
FF: Hmmmmmm Hmmmmmm Hmmmmmm.
hey, maybe it’s a good thing to hate him. ‘coz it may just mean that u’re on ur way to recovering from this long n dreadful rs.
but don’t ever hate urself. u r stronger than a lot of ppl i know. n even if u do for now, i’m sure there’ll be loads of ppl here for u.
*hugz*
Dear Ting,
I have been reading your blog for months and I was a little worried when you didn’t make any entries these few days. I am a johorian.
I am a mother as well. My daughter is making me who I am today. I was once hated myself because of lack of confident of myself.
I think being a mother is a tough job, and it is even harder when you have to raise a daughter by yourself. But bear in mind, you can always pray about this, and letting God taking care of everything. I know it is hard to let go all burden and have God to take charge. But, trust me, try! It works for me.
YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER.
You know… hatred is pretty normal, I think. After all that he has done to you, let you down, not even being half a man. Even as an outsider, I look down on him and despise his irresponsibility and cowardice. Hatred fro you is… almost justified. I hated my ex husband too after I walked out on my marriage. I hated him for ruining a good 9 years of my life, for being such an asshole for never being the kind of father he should be.
But now, I am at peace with myself. So, hatred is normal and part of the healing process. The important thing is to MOVE ON. Take time to heal, but for god’s sake (and your own) don’t give in to this destructive “relationship” again.. It’s very unhealthy and very unfair to you.
Hate is such a tiring emotion, and just brief minutes of it is exhausting enough.
i am just glad that I never have to hate for too long. It jus makes a person sour cos u jus have to put in extra effort n emotions to hate someone.
Hating myself has been a vicious process since young. I am just trying to get over it as I come to terms. I will stop, one day. I hope.
Jacinle, don’t worry, I was just busy with work and some major decisions that came up, thus the absence. But things have been well offline.
Thanks for the concern n e nice words.. maybe it is jus me who will always fall short of my own expectations.
I made a small prayer last night.. and I know I will pull through!
Rach, sometimes I wonder should hatred sustain longer? I almost forgot how immense hatred feels like. when i feel it, i certainly dun like it. i wish there are easier ways to heal.
and I really admire u for who u r, and how u are coping with that shining confidence and strength.
Hi, i am sure u alrdy noe tis, but your videos in this post can’t b played on any know browser on the planert